Monday Again Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours,

a school like any other,

a place where bright young minds are taught by

some of the wisest, most respected members of the teaching profession.

Our cameras returned for another year to find out

what life is really like for the students and their teachers

at this most ordinary of schools.

Welcome to Class Dismissed.

BELL RINGS

It's early morning, and librarian Mrs Winston

is enjoying the peace and quiet.

WHISPERING

Hey, whispering boy!

What part of "strictly no talking" do you not understand?!

Despite warnings from her friends,

Jasmine has decided to join the library, or the "family",

as Mrs Winstone calls it.

Look, Ron. We've got ourselves a visitor.

Take the weight off.

So, what's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?

I'd just like to join the library, please.

You want to be part of this, you've got to earn my trust -

and bring two passport photos and a completed form.

Huh! I like you, kid.

I like you a lot.

Looks like we're in business.

DEEP GRUNT

You're part of the family now, understand?

We'll look out for you.

Was it just books for you?

We'll even send you a reminder

-the day before you need to return your loans.

-Um, thanks.

But remember, don't be overdue.

-I won't.

-Now, get outta here!

BELL RINGS

In Geography, wannabe magician Miss Presto

is taking the register with the power of her mind.

John! Is there a John in the room?

Anyone here called John?

Or Jack?

There's always a Jack.

James.

Josh.

-Emily.

-Yes, Miss.

I knew it! I read your mind.

You read the register.

I'll do it again. I'll name your pet.

Your cat's name is Martin!

That's amazing!

-You're not a cat.

-Oh.

Wrong, Miss. Sorry.

I know that, because I read your mind.

I meant to say Kitty.

Snuggles.

-Fluffy?

-No, it's called Kat Kardashian, Miss.

You're kidding me!

How am I supposed to guess that?!

Mind-reading?

Who wants to see a card trick?

Magic.

BELL RINGS

The next lesson is Art, with Mr Rhomb.

Mr Rhomb likes to immerse himself in the work - quite literally.

PUPILS GASP

Gather.

Today, without thinking, I want you to splatter the canvas with paint.

By doing this, we bypass our brains and paint a picture of our mood,

like this.

Exquisite.

I can see that I want to buy a new pair of shoes.

-Shoes?

-Precisely.

Now you try.

I want you to find the inner you,

then find the you that lives inside that you and get to know them.

Buy them a coffee, go for a pizza.

What are we supposed to do?

Go!

METRONOME TICKS

CLATTERING

Time's up. Show your art.

Exquisite.

A miracle.

You have all done marvellous work...

..apart from you, Martin.

I didn't have you down as a member

of the counter-reactionary bourgeoisie,

but you have set me straight.

Stay behind and do it again.

BELL RINGS

Mr Nasal is on his way to spend break time

with his girlfriend, Miss Spray.

Thank you very much. Bye.

Morning.

Who was that?

The delivery man. He brought some new test tubes.

What's wrong with the old test tubes?

Nothing. You just asked me to order some more.

Well, I don't like the look of him.

Anyway, are you ready to spend our break time together, Miss Spray?

I can't today, Mr Nasal. I have to put these away.

I'll see you at lunchtime.

But, Miss Spray...

Hmm...

The delivery man...

BELL RINGS

After break, it's Citizenship with Counsellor Joy.

Good morning to you. Welcome again.

Come in, take a seat.

Welcome.

Right. Before we begin,

I want you all to know that this is a safe space.

We can say anything we want here and there are no wrong answers, OK?

Right, so what topic are we going to discuss today?

-Football.

-No.

But I thought you said there were no wrong answers.

Very funny, Billy. That's very funny indeed.

But remember that, upside down, a smile is still a frown.

Today, we're going to talk about voting.

What is...

..voting?

-I know, Miss.

-Uh-uh-uh! Call me Joy.

Oh. OK, Joy. Voting is a way to determine the opinion

of a group of people.

No, I wouldn't have used those words myself, Tahj.

I'd have said voting is a way to decide things

when there's lots of people.

Another wrong answer, then.

So, let's have our very own vote.

Hands up who would like to spend this lesson doing the worksheets

I made especially for today?

Come on. Vote!

I spent a very long time on these.

No pressure.

That's fine.

That's fine.

I'll just make a note of that to tell your parents

on parents' evening.

No, you don't want to do it. That's fine. That's fine.

Who votes that sometimes words can hurt?

Who votes that kindness is wasted on the selfishness of others?

Who votes that betrayal is worse when it is least expected?

Oh! Oh, I see. Oh, we're all voting now.

We can all vote now, right?

Well, it's too late.

It's too late!

I'm sorry, children, but I need some time out in my safe space.

Whose turn is it to get her out?

Come on, Joy.

I'll do your worksheet.

Please?

Citizenship is a surprisingly tricky subject.

BELL RINGS

The next lesson is Spanish with the one and only Juan.

FLAMENCO MUSIC

HE CLICKS STAPLER LIKE CASTANETS

-SPANISH ACCENT:

-Ole!

Now, that's Spanish!

Here we go again.

You see how I entered the room

like the Spanish bull -

proud, strong...

HE SNIFFS

..a little bit whiffy?

And now you see how I move my hips

like the flamenco dancer doing the special guest appearance

on the Strictly Come Dancing.

Ha-ha-ha!

Stand up. Sit down.

That's Spanish.

Sir, how do you say "thank you" in Spanish?

Someone once asked me, "How do you say 'thank you' in Spanish?"

My answer to them was this.

Put your hand on your heart.

Can you feel it?

Everyone, do this.

Can you feel the beat?

That is Spanish for anger, for love,

and also for...

"Excuse me, where is the nearest supermarket?"

Is it Spanish for "thank you", too?

No!

That's gracias.

It's a really complicated language.

Now it is time for my siesta.

While I am asleep,

I like you to practise the r-r-rolling of your Rs.

R-r-r-r-r!

You can just shake these instead.

Buenas noches.

R-r-r-r-r!

In Spanish, r-rolling your Rs is...

r-r-r-r-r...eally important.

BELL RINGS

Lunchtime, and Mr Nasal is finally going to spend some time

with Miss Spray.

-There you go. Nice to see you again.

-You, too.

-Afternoon.

-Get out!

And don't come back.

Mr Nasal, what on earth's gotten into you?

Unbelievable!

How could you, Miss Spray?

How could I what?

I saw the way you were looking at him through your safety goggles.

You're in love with the delivery man.

Don't be so silly, Mr Nasal.

Oh, and what gifts did he tempt you with this time?

-HE GASPS

-Hydrochloric acid!

The way to any woman's heart.

It's for the classroom, Mr Nasal. We ran out last week.

I should have known I could never hold on to

a wonderful woman like you.

What are you talking about?

Oh, go on, just go.

Well, if you're going to speak to me like that, I shall.

And...if you're going to be so jealous all the time...

..consider us over.

Fine by me!

HE SOBS QUIETLY

While Mr Nasal suffers the consequences

of his unfounded jealousy,

Year Nine suffer the consequences of a lesson with Miss Fun-With-Numbers.

Hello, everybody.

Today we're going to be learning about shapes.

Will that be in our Sats, Miss?

Some of them are very difficult, but don't worry,

I know just the person to help.

-Look!

-PUPILS SIGH

It's Miss Keen!

Say hello, then.

PUPILS: Hello, Miss Keen.

Miss, we're a bit old for sock puppets.

Shh! Don't let Miss Keen hear you say that.

Besides, she's not a puppet.

She's a teaching assistant.

Isn't that right, Miss Keen?

Have you got a shape for us, Miss Keen?

She says yes.

It's a triangle!

It's a circle.

Oh.

I do apologise.

Naughty Miss Keen!

BELL RINGS

There's just one more lesson to go -

with improvisation expert Mr Christopher.

Improvisation is a key drama skill.

I once worked my way round Europe doing street improv.

I got as far as Calais.

Right, guys, it's time for some improvisation, or improv,

as we actors call it.

Abbreviation!

Martin, I suggest you film this as, once it's been done,

it cannot be recreated.

So here's how this works.

You shout out a location,

an object and a person's name

and I will completely make up or "improv" a song

before your very eyes and ears.

So, a location.

-Your nan's house.

-Your nan's toilet!

-LAUGHTER

What was that? The school?

-No.

-Yes, it was.

Now an object.

-A banana.

-The keyboard, you say?

Good choice. Now a name.

-Steve.

-What's that? Mr Christopher?

Oh, you guys!

OK, here goes. Are you getting this, Martin?

MUSIC STARTS

# Mr Christopher is so cool

# Mr Christopher rules the school

# Mr C plays keyboard jazz

# Mr C has showbiz pizzazz. #

Aren't I amazing? I'm completely making this up as I go along.

Sing along, everyone.

# Mr Chris... #

I said, sing along.

# Mr Christopher is so cool... #

PUPILS SING HALF-HEARTEDLY

# Mr Christopher rules the schoo-ool!

# Mr C plays keyboard ja-a-azz!

# Mr C has showbiz pizzazz.

# Mr C, Mr C, Mr Cee-eeee-eee!

# Mr C, Mr C...

# A-ta-kat-va! Oh, yeah!

# Yeah, Martin, film on me

# Martin, film on me, yeah

# Ooh, ooh-ooh-ooh... #

You can't pay to see talent like that.

BELL RINGS

It's the end of the school day.

Miss Spray. Wait!

Please stop.

I'm sorry!

That doesn't look good.

And Mr Christopher's regretting his improv class.

-Swimming pool!

-Monster truck. Monster toilet!

What is it with you and toilets?

Stop it! Show's over! I can't just perform on the spot, you know.

But I thought that's what improv was, sir.

-T-rex.

-Cabbage.

-Cabbage toilet.

-What is it with you and toilets?

-Arrghh!

-It's funny.

# Mr Christopher is so cool

# Mr Christopher rules the schoo-ool!

# Mr C plays keyboard ja-a-azz

# Mr C has showbiz pizzazz

# Mr C, Mr C, Mr Cee-eeee-eee! #

What can I say? I was born to perform.

BELL RINGS