I'm a Teacher! Class Dismissed

This is Dockbridge High - a school just like yours.

For two years, our cameras have followed day-to-day life here.

There have been highs and lows.

Achoo!

We returned for another year to find out how these talented teachers

continue to excite and inspire a generation of young, eager minds

at this most ordinary of schools.

SHE SCREAMS

This is...

BELL RINGS

It's Tuesday, and having spent all of last year being mistaken

for a pupil, newly qualified teacher Miss Kinder isn't taking any risks.

You can do this. You're a strong adult teacher.

Good morning, Alan.

That's Mr Potter to you!

But I'm a teacher!

Teachers call each other by their first names.

Not this nonsense again.

-You are not a teacher!

-I am!

I am a teacher! I'm a grown adult teacher.

Look how tall I am.

Look at my extremely adult drink.

Get off the premises.

-Now!

-You can't make me.

Fine. As an adult, I will leave with dignity.

Ow!

You may want to put on some more sensible adult shoes.

Yes, Alan.

Mr Potter.

Did you hear that?

Mr Potter's first name is Alan.

Urgh, it always makes me feel a bit sick when you hear teachers'

first names. It's like they're actually humans, or something.

Like when you bump into one on the weekend and they're wearing jeans.

Urgh.

BELL RINGS

The day starts with drama, and head of arts, not including actual art,

Mr Christopher, is in a particularly good mood.

Woo!

Woo!

Dance day!

Ah! Woo! Ah!

Now, today we're doing interpretive dance.

You will each perform a dance representing an issue

you feel strongly about, like polar bears or peer pressure or...

..whatever. And I will assess you on whether I know what your dance

is about.

And remember, this is a safe space, guys, OK?

No getting it wrong, no judging.

Except for me judging you if you get it wrong.

Billy, you're first.

Go!

APPLAUSE

Um, no, no! Do not applaud that.

Seriously, Billy, is everything OK?

-Are you dancing about an illness you have?

-No, sir.

OK, benefit of the doubt.

So were you dancing about an irrational fear of marbles?

Or Brexit?

No, it was the robot and then the worm. Did you not get that?

OK, A, robot worms have nothing to do with issues.

And, B, this is how you do a robot worm.

CHILDREN GIGGLE

That was amazing.

Did you film that, Martin?

Um, no, sir.

Right, I'm not angry, Martin, I'm just disappointed.

And angry.

Now, watch me, a professional, do my dance.

So what's my issue?

-Healthy eating!

-No.

Your failed career as an actor.

What?

Oh! He's joking!

Of course. But seriously, if I was showing you the dizzy heights

of my career, it would look more like this.

Wow.

Who's next?

BELL RINGS

The next lesson is maths, and after Mr Konnundrum left last term,

Year 10 are hoping their new teacher will be just as nice.

Can I please have some quiet in here!

I do not stand for messing about, horseplay or any kind of

shenanigans, and no talking!

Do I make myself clear?!

Yes, miss.

-WHISPERS:

-What did I just say?

No speaking in class!

Now, I read some of your maths homework from last year.

-It was excellent!

-CHILDREN GASP

This class's grasp of geometry is fantastic!

Argh!

Your maths skills are on the higher end of the scale

expected of your year group!

Now open page 21.

I liked her.

BELL RINGS

Break time, and Mr Potter is doing every teacher's favourite activity -

playground duty.

-Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

-I'm here to fix the toilets.

-Who booked you?

-A party by the name of Kinder.

Shush!

Hang on.

-What is going on here?

-I'm a teacher!

If you're a teacher, why are you sneaking in?

-Where's your pass?

-I left it at home, sir.

Get off the premises, now!

But I am a teacher!

Put him down!

BELL RINGS

And now we head over to the 11.30 media studies lesson

with professional news presenter, Naga Munchetty.

Now, when the school approached me about coming in,

I thought they just wanted me to do a talk.

I didn't expect to be taking lessons.

And I wouldn't have stayed, but this place, it's full of

juicy news stories.

We're live on air in five, four, three...

This is media studies. In today's news...

BONG!

..Callum Wexford's verruca finally clears up.

BONG!

Billy hopes to get away with yet another silent burp.

BONG! CHILDREN GASP

And in today's top story, popular schoolboy Mark is exposed

as a little liar.

To tell us more, we can go to our roving reporter, Lydia Pryor.

Lydia, what more can you tell us?

Well, Naga, earlier this morning, Mark left classes to attend

what he described as his oboe lesson.

But witnesses reported seeing him hanging out with his mates.

I'm here on the scene to find out more.

Mark, what have you got to say about the allegations that you've been

-bunking off?

-Who are you? What's going on?

-It's not the first time you've bunked off, is it?

-I...

Do you even know what an oboe is?

I... It's like...

Earlier, we spoke to a family member who agreed to speak to us

as long as we protected her identity.

Mark, bunking off?

Oh! My Marky wouldn't do that!

That's not my son!

You told my mum!

Oh, my days!

Yeah, yeah, I know, detention.

-And there we...

-She's not my mum.

And there we have it, another criminal behind bars.

Thank you, Lydia. Well, you heard it here first.

This is Naga Munchetty, reporting for Dockbridge High.

Goodnight.

That's a wrap, everyone. Great show today, guys.

Well done.

BELL RINGS

Lunchtime, and having been exposed for bunking off,

Mark's serving time in isolation.

Hiya! I'm Tammy.

Right. Hey.

I'm here because I talked back to teacher in 1989.

Oh, yeah! I heard about you.

What did you do?

Nothing much, bunked off some lessons. Got caught, innit?

You're so naughty!

I like a bad boy.

What sort of girls do you go for?

Like, long hair.

-Mm-hm.

-Like, girls with attitude, I suppose.

Yep!

Older girls are cool.

Well, I've been here since 1989. I don't even know how old I am.

Right, there is one girl, yeah. I really like her,

but I don't know how to ask her out.

Yes, I will be your girlfriend for ever, ever and ever!

Eee!

I was talking about Marcella from Year 13.

You got that, right?

Can you keep it down, please? We're actually in isolation.

And then we made up and now I'm his girlfriend.

She's not my girlfriend.

I am your girlfriend!

-She's not.

-He's so funny!

BELL RINGS

After lunch, Miss Davis is filling the air with her creativity,

as she covers art.

Today, we're going to be making lovely bowls out of paper mache.

Now, start by taking the sheets of paper in front of you.

All you need is to tear one out.

PHH-RRT-TT! CHILDREN GROAN

You'll need to divide the paper into long, thin strips,

so get right in there and rip one off.

PHH-RRT-TT!

Keep shredding them, one after another.

PHH-RRT-TT! PHH-RRT-TT!

Miss, please could I open the window?

Oh, no, Jasmine! You don't want a sudden gust of WIND...

-PHH-RRT-TT!

-..disturbing your art.

Now, take a strip of paper and dunk it in your paper mache mix.

Now give it a good squeeze out.

PHH-RRT-TT!

You don't want any lumps!

-PHH-RRT-TT!

-Oh, that's awful!

I need to get some air!

What are they creating such a stink about?

PHH-RRT-TT!

-It's just gross.

-ALL:

-Yeah.

-It's so unprofessional.

-I totally agree.

PHH-RRT-TT!

She must be nearby.

That was one of mine, actually.

BELL RINGS

History next, and Year Ten's teacher, Miss Kinder,

seems to have finally made it into the school.

-Weird kid!

-Hello, class. Time for me to teach your lesson,

because I am your teacher.

So, today...

Get out!

You are trespassing on school property!

But I'm a teacher!

CHILDREN GIGGLE

-CHILDREN CHANT:

-Weird kid, weird kid, weird kid!

I'll be back, because I am a teacher!

Bye, weird kid.

BELL RINGS

The last lesson of the day is Spanish, and teacher

Senor Juan Castaneta welcomes the pupils

in the traditional Spanish way.

Ay, ay, ay!

Ay!

That was Spanish for "take your seats and get ready to learn".

Here now, people always ask me,

"Senor, Juan Castaneta, what does it mean to be Spanish?"

And I tell them, "This."

-A tomato?

-This is not a tomato.

Well, technically, it is. But it is so much more than that!

It is alive!

It is love! It is passion!

You know, every year in Spain, we have a festival to celebrate

the tomato.

By throwing them at each other!

Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

You, little girl, throw this at me.

Come on.

Don't be scared.

Oh!

Oh!

Argh!

I'm OK!

Not bad.

But we need more tomatoes.

Here, take some tomatoes and pass them back. Vamos!

Three, two, one!

Ay, ay, ay! Ay, ay, ay! Ah!

CHILDREN LAUGH

Now, that's Spanish.

Ole!

BELL RINGS

It's home time, and deputy head Mr Potter is keen to make sure

that's exactly where Miss Kinder goes.

Now get out of my school!

But I'm a teacher!

School's over, out you go!

PHH-RRT-TT! CHILDREN GROAN

# Sisters are doin' it for themselves

# Standin' on their own two feet

# And ringin' on their own bells

# Sisters are doin' it for themselves. #