Extra-curricular Teaching Class Dismissed

A school just like yours.

For two years, our cameras have followed day-to-day life here.

There have been highs and lows.

We returned for another year to find out how these talented

teachers continue to excite and inspire a generation of young,

eager minds at this most ordinary of schools.

SCREAMING

This is Class Dismissed.

BELL RINGS

It's Wednesday, and while some staff welcome the pupils...

Hola! High five, fam.

Morning, sir.

..child-fearing headteacher Hillary Head, has decided to pretend

that they don't exist by keeping her eyes shut.

And then we'll tour the science blocks,

loop 'round the playing field, and pop into the changing room...

Ow! What was that?

What did I trip over?

Was it a chair? Was it a...

A chair! You tripped over a chair.

A chair? Who left a chair in the middle of the corridor?

-What an idiot!

-I don't know, Madam.

-It's all very, very regrettable. I agree.

-Idiots!

All I'm saying is there are other people who might be better

suited to the headship job.

BELL RINGS

Due to an outbreak of diarrhoea in the history department,

today's lessons will be covered by new supply teacher, Mr Valachi.

As he arrives, he receives a warm Dockbridge welcome.

I am a form of salutation used across the nation.

I sound like yellow.

I am, of course...

Yeah, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

-..hello.

-Yeah, hi.

Er, the name's Valachi. I'm covering history today.

-The agency sent me...

-Yes, OK. Here you go. Here's your pass.

Great, could you tell me how to get to me class?

Well, yeah. That's what I'm doing, so, just listen, OK?

I am confinement, but I open minds...

Forget it, I'll find it myself.

I was just getting there.

Impatient!

BELL RINGS

It's not long before both lessons and Juan Castenetta's hips are

in full swing, as Year 10 start the day with Spanish.

Today, we will learn one of the most important

lessons in the whole of Spain.

A Spanish dance as old as time, as passionate as the ocean,

as lively as a prawn in a spicy paella.

So, let me ask you this -

can you do the fandango?

# Thunderbolts and lightning very, very frightening, me. #

Well, can you?

I'll take that as a no.

We will learn it together. Everyone up, vamos. Up, up, up.

Sir, could you teach us some real Spanish?

Like, some of the words?

Words?

You have all the words you need right here.

THEY LAUGH

Now, before we can dance the fandango, we need the castanets.

HE PLAYS THE CASTANETS

And now we can begin.

First, you move your hips like this.

Si, and you move your arms like this.

Asi.

And then you stamp your feet like this.

Good!

Good!

It's... It's just I'm not sure this is going to help in the exam.

Feel the rhythm rising up inside of you.

Feel the passion

coming from your h-...

..heart.

Feel it in your body.

Feel it in your soul.

Feel it in your...

THEY GASP AND GROAN

..head.

I definitely felt that in my head.

And that, my friends, is Spanish.

I can even do the fandango with my eyebrows.

Look at this. Look.

# La-la-la-la-la-la. #

Ole! Huh?

Break time, and while supply teacher Mr Valachi is still looking for

his classroom...

English teacher, Mr Capps spots a new craze in the playground.

-Oh, what's all this then, guys?

-It's a new game, sir.

-Everyone's been playing it.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

Can't get enough of, erm...

I've completely... What's it called again?

-Bundle.

-Bundle, yes!

Bundle, 'course.

Bunds!

Bun-dacious.

You know, over the weekend I was swapping them all over the place.

Erm, throwing them.

Tapping them? Ruffling them? Shuffling them?

Stacking them into pairs. You put them into pairs.

OK, there's two teams.

There's no teams.

-If you don't know, it's fine, sir.

-Yeah.

HE LAUGHS

Obvs, I'm just pulling all your legs. Banter.

No. Yeah, but seriously, guys, that game's old news.

Yeah, I've been far too busy with a brand-new craze...

..the water bottle challenge. See, how it works is that...

Yeah, yeah. We know how it works. You flip a water bottle.

Yeah, but not just that, Billy.

You've got to get it to land upright.

Yeah, it was a thing ages ago. We know.

-Yeah, but do you though?

-Yes.

-Yeah, but do you though?

-Yes.

-Yeah, but do you though?

-Yes.

-He doesn't know.

-I do.

I'll show ya.

Ugh!

You know the bottle's meant to have a lid on it, right?

Yeah, 'course!

Banter!

After break, Year 10 are in with Miss Fun-With-Numbers

although she seems to think she's teaching a much younger class.

Now, since you've been so good all term,

I decided that we're going to skip making pasta pictures of

mummy and daddy today, and instead, I'm going to read you a story.

THEY GROAN

Won't that be fun?

Yes, fun.

Fun!

Now, what do we need to be when we listen to a story?

Four years old.

THEY CHUCKLE

Oh, I'm sorry, Billy.

Do you not want to hear a story?

Honestly, no, miss.

Oh, well. I'm sorry, Billy.

If you don't want to hear a story, then you'd better leave.

-Seriously?

-Yes.

-Off you go.

-Great!

Now, are the rest of you sitting comfortably?

Then I'll began.

Once upon a time, there was a very naughty little boy,

and his name was Billy.

Billy was very rude,

and he thought he was too grown-up to listen to stories.

Not this again.

What a naughty little boy.

But don't worry, boys and girls,

because naughty boys ALWAYS learn their lessons.

When Billy came into his lesson the following week,

he discovered that he had to learn quadratic equations.

And for every single one he got wrong,

he had to do a lap of the playground...

..in his mum's nightie.

Oh! Hello, Billy.

Have you decided that you DO want to hear a story?

-Yes, miss.

-Lovely!

SHE CLAPS

BELL RINGS

Next, Year 10 are in history,

but their supply teacher is still having trouble finding his class.

Excuse me!

With more than 90 classrooms,

finding the right one is a harder task than expected.

SHE SCREAMS

Just when it looks like he'll miss the lesson altogether,

Mr Valachi finally arrives.

I made it! I made it!

With no help whatsoever, I'm here on time.

Now, turn to page...

Er, sir, we've only got a few seconds left of the lesson.

No point really, now.

It's fine. It's fine. We can do this.

We've got loads of time.

So, er, Roman invasions, straight roads.

Julius Caesar eating grapes a lot.

The Anglo-Saxons, they were all right. The Vikings.

1066, er...

..the Battle of Hastings. A bit gruesome, let's not dwell.

Domesday Book, the Magna Carta,

The Black Death!

Sir, we're going a bit quickly.

Then write faster!

Agincourt, Bosworth, Henry VIII getting married all the time.

What's that all about?

Establishmentarian, that's what.

Elizabeth I, Shakespeare, Drake,

Guy Fawkes, Queen Victoria, World War I, abdication crisis,

World War II, man on the moon, power dressing,

Ian Rush drinking milk, Oasis, the Millennium bug.

It didn't happen!

And...

..Brexit!

And that's it. That is history. Is there any questions?

BELL RINGS

You're out of time. I'm sorry.

Now, my next class is in room 472.

Does anyone know where that is?

It's at the other end of the school, sir.

'Course it is.

THEY LAUGH

BELL RINGS

It's lunchtime, and in the library,

Mrs Winstone is doing something she doesn't like not one little bit.

I don't like this, not one little bit.

You think I'm just going to let you walk into my house

and disrespect me like this?

I just need an extension on this book.

I thought we were family, and this is how you treat me?

But...we're not family.

You're just my librarian.

Think you're a wise guy, do ya?

I can make things very easy for you, Jasmine...

..or very, very hard for you.

What do you want from me?

When you're old enough...

..I want you to marry my nephew.

What?

I agreed, but only so I could keep the book for as long as I like.

I may have made a mistake.

BELL RINGS

The day ends in art with Mr Rhomb,

where the first assignment is to find the teacher.

Some educators feel that the imparting

of knowledge can be done through long instructional presentations.

Do you mean they teach us lessons?

Art cannot be taught.

It can only be embodied.

Today, you shall all be the art.

Do not be afraid to become your vision.

I want to understand what inspires you.

Begin.

Time's up.

Exquisite.

You embody serenity.

You are life. You are vision. You are art. What are you?

I am art.

Emily, you have painted your canvas with your heart. What are you?

I am art?

Incredible.

I am art.

Yes, Martin.

Yes, you are.

Yeah. Yeah, I am.

BELL RINGS

Class, you may go, but remain art.

Except you, Billy.

Your vision was somewhat one-dimensional.

Stay and try again.

What are you?

-I am art.

-Disgusting.

-I AM art.

-Mundane.

-I am ART?

-Obtuse.

BELL RINGS

It's the end of the school day...

..and everyone's eager to go home.

Wait, do I just leave this with you?

That will be determined when you answer me these questions three.

My first is in potato.

Please, my bus leaves in two minutes.

Well, just get the next one, cos this is brilliant.

You're going to want to hear it, OK?

The answers you seek lies in the path of retribution...

HE SCREAMS

But while most can reflect on a successful day's learning,

Billy is still struggling to BE art.

-I am art.

-Jejune.

-I am a-art.

-Ersatz.

-I am art?

-Sophomoric.

-I am art.

-Lacklustre.

-WHISPERED:

-I am art.

No.