Extra-curricular Teaching Class Dismissed


Extra-curricular Teaching

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A school just like yours.

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For two years, our cameras have followed day-to-day life here.

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There have been highs and lows.

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We returned for another year to find out how these talented

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teachers continue to excite and inspire a generation of young,

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eager minds at this most ordinary of schools.

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SCREAMING

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This is Class Dismissed.

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BELL RINGS

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It's Wednesday, and while some staff welcome the pupils...

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Hola! High five, fam.

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Morning, sir.

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..child-fearing headteacher Hillary Head, has decided to pretend

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that they don't exist by keeping her eyes shut.

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And then we'll tour the science blocks,

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loop 'round the playing field, and pop into the changing room...

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Ow! What was that?

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What did I trip over?

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Was it a chair? Was it a...

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A chair! You tripped over a chair.

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A chair? Who left a chair in the middle of the corridor?

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-What an idiot!

-I don't know, Madam.

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-It's all very, very regrettable. I agree.

-Idiots!

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All I'm saying is there are other people who might be better

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suited to the headship job.

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BELL RINGS

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Due to an outbreak of diarrhoea in the history department,

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today's lessons will be covered by new supply teacher, Mr Valachi.

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As he arrives, he receives a warm Dockbridge welcome.

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I am a form of salutation used across the nation.

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I sound like yellow.

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I am, of course...

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Yeah, I'm in a bit of a hurry.

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-..hello.

-Yeah, hi.

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Er, the name's Valachi. I'm covering history today.

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-The agency sent me...

-Yes, OK. Here you go. Here's your pass.

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Great, could you tell me how to get to me class?

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Well, yeah. That's what I'm doing, so, just listen, OK?

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I am confinement, but I open minds...

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Forget it, I'll find it myself.

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I was just getting there.

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Impatient!

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BELL RINGS

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It's not long before both lessons and Juan Castenetta's hips are

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in full swing, as Year 10 start the day with Spanish.

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Today, we will learn one of the most important

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lessons in the whole of Spain.

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A Spanish dance as old as time, as passionate as the ocean,

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as lively as a prawn in a spicy paella.

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So, let me ask you this -

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can you do the fandango?

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# Thunderbolts and lightning very, very frightening, me. #

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Well, can you?

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I'll take that as a no.

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We will learn it together. Everyone up, vamos. Up, up, up.

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Sir, could you teach us some real Spanish?

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Like, some of the words?

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Words?

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You have all the words you need right here.

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THEY LAUGH

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Now, before we can dance the fandango, we need the castanets.

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HE PLAYS THE CASTANETS

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And now we can begin.

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First, you move your hips like this.

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Si, and you move your arms like this.

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Asi.

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And then you stamp your feet like this.

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Good!

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Good!

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It's... It's just I'm not sure this is going to help in the exam.

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Feel the rhythm rising up inside of you.

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Feel the passion

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coming from your h-...

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..heart.

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Feel it in your body.

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Feel it in your soul.

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Feel it in your...

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THEY GASP AND GROAN

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..head.

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I definitely felt that in my head.

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And that, my friends, is Spanish.

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I can even do the fandango with my eyebrows.

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Look at this. Look.

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# La-la-la-la-la-la. #

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Ole! Huh?

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Break time, and while supply teacher Mr Valachi is still looking for

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his classroom...

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English teacher, Mr Capps spots a new craze in the playground.

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-Oh, what's all this then, guys?

-It's a new game, sir.

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-Everyone's been playing it.

-Oh, yeah, yeah.

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Can't get enough of, erm...

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I've completely... What's it called again?

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-Bundle.

-Bundle, yes!

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Bundle, 'course.

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Bunds!

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Bun-dacious.

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You know, over the weekend I was swapping them all over the place.

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Erm, throwing them.

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Tapping them? Ruffling them? Shuffling them?

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Stacking them into pairs. You put them into pairs.

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OK, there's two teams.

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There's no teams.

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-If you don't know, it's fine, sir.

-Yeah.

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HE LAUGHS

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Obvs, I'm just pulling all your legs. Banter.

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No. Yeah, but seriously, guys, that game's old news.

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Yeah, I've been far too busy with a brand-new craze...

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..the water bottle challenge. See, how it works is that...

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Yeah, yeah. We know how it works. You flip a water bottle.

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Yeah, but not just that, Billy.

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You've got to get it to land upright.

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Yeah, it was a thing ages ago. We know.

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-Yeah, but do you though?

-Yes.

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-Yeah, but do you though?

-Yes.

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-Yeah, but do you though?

-Yes.

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-He doesn't know.

-I do.

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I'll show ya.

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Ugh!

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You know the bottle's meant to have a lid on it, right?

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Yeah, 'course!

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Banter!

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After break, Year 10 are in with Miss Fun-With-Numbers

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although she seems to think she's teaching a much younger class.

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Now, since you've been so good all term,

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I decided that we're going to skip making pasta pictures of

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mummy and daddy today, and instead, I'm going to read you a story.

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THEY GROAN

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Won't that be fun?

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Yes, fun.

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Fun!

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Now, what do we need to be when we listen to a story?

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Four years old.

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THEY CHUCKLE

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Oh, I'm sorry, Billy.

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Do you not want to hear a story?

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Honestly, no, miss.

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Oh, well. I'm sorry, Billy.

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If you don't want to hear a story, then you'd better leave.

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-Seriously?

-Yes.

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-Off you go.

-Great!

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Now, are the rest of you sitting comfortably?

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Then I'll began.

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Once upon a time, there was a very naughty little boy,

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and his name was Billy.

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Billy was very rude,

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and he thought he was too grown-up to listen to stories.

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Not this again.

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What a naughty little boy.

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But don't worry, boys and girls,

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because naughty boys ALWAYS learn their lessons.

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When Billy came into his lesson the following week,

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he discovered that he had to learn quadratic equations.

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And for every single one he got wrong,

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he had to do a lap of the playground...

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..in his mum's nightie.

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Oh! Hello, Billy.

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Have you decided that you DO want to hear a story?

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-Yes, miss.

-Lovely!

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SHE CLAPS

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BELL RINGS

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Next, Year 10 are in history,

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but their supply teacher is still having trouble finding his class.

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Excuse me!

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With more than 90 classrooms,

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finding the right one is a harder task than expected.

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SHE SCREAMS

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Just when it looks like he'll miss the lesson altogether,

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Mr Valachi finally arrives.

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I made it! I made it!

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With no help whatsoever, I'm here on time.

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Now, turn to page...

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Er, sir, we've only got a few seconds left of the lesson.

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No point really, now.

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It's fine. It's fine. We can do this.

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We've got loads of time.

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So, er, Roman invasions, straight roads.

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Julius Caesar eating grapes a lot.

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The Anglo-Saxons, they were all right. The Vikings.

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1066, er...

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..the Battle of Hastings. A bit gruesome, let's not dwell.

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Domesday Book, the Magna Carta,

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The Black Death!

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Sir, we're going a bit quickly.

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Then write faster!

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Agincourt, Bosworth, Henry VIII getting married all the time.

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What's that all about?

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Establishmentarian, that's what.

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Elizabeth I, Shakespeare, Drake,

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Guy Fawkes, Queen Victoria, World War I, abdication crisis,

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World War II, man on the moon, power dressing,

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Ian Rush drinking milk, Oasis, the Millennium bug.

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It didn't happen!

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And...

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..Brexit!

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And that's it. That is history. Is there any questions?

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BELL RINGS

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You're out of time. I'm sorry.

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Now, my next class is in room 472.

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Does anyone know where that is?

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It's at the other end of the school, sir.

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'Course it is.

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THEY LAUGH

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BELL RINGS

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It's lunchtime, and in the library,

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Mrs Winstone is doing something she doesn't like not one little bit.

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I don't like this, not one little bit.

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You think I'm just going to let you walk into my house

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and disrespect me like this?

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I just need an extension on this book.

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I thought we were family, and this is how you treat me?

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But...we're not family.

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You're just my librarian.

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Think you're a wise guy, do ya?

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I can make things very easy for you, Jasmine...

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..or very, very hard for you.

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What do you want from me?

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When you're old enough...

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..I want you to marry my nephew.

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What?

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I agreed, but only so I could keep the book for as long as I like.

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I may have made a mistake.

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BELL RINGS

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The day ends in art with Mr Rhomb,

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where the first assignment is to find the teacher.

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Some educators feel that the imparting

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of knowledge can be done through long instructional presentations.

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Do you mean they teach us lessons?

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Art cannot be taught.

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It can only be embodied.

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Today, you shall all be the art.

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Do not be afraid to become your vision.

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I want to understand what inspires you.

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Begin.

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Time's up.

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Exquisite.

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You embody serenity.

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You are life. You are vision. You are art. What are you?

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I am art.

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Emily, you have painted your canvas with your heart. What are you?

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I am art?

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Incredible.

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I am art.

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Yes, Martin.

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Yes, you are.

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Yeah. Yeah, I am.

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BELL RINGS

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Class, you may go, but remain art.

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Except you, Billy.

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Your vision was somewhat one-dimensional.

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Stay and try again.

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What are you?

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-I am art.

-Disgusting.

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-I AM art.

-Mundane.

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-I am ART?

-Obtuse.

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BELL RINGS

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It's the end of the school day...

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..and everyone's eager to go home.

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Wait, do I just leave this with you?

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That will be determined when you answer me these questions three.

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My first is in potato.

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Please, my bus leaves in two minutes.

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Well, just get the next one, cos this is brilliant.

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You're going to want to hear it, OK?

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The answers you seek lies in the path of retribution...

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HE SCREAMS

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But while most can reflect on a successful day's learning,

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Billy is still struggling to BE art.

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-I am art.

-Jejune.

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-I am a-art.

-Ersatz.

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-I am art?

-Sophomoric.

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-I am art.

-Lacklustre.

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-WHISPERED:

-I am art.

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No.

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