If a Man... Class Dismissed

A school just like yours.

For two years, our cameras have followed day-to-day life here.

There have been highs and lows.

We returned for another year to find out how these talented

teachers continue to excite and inspire a generation of young,

eager minds at this most ordinary of schools.

SCREAMING

This is Class Dismissed.

The start of the school day,

and an opportunity for pupils to catch up on everything

that's happened since they last saw each other.

And I was like, "No way."

And he was all like, "Way."

And I was like, "No way."

BOTH: No way.

Way, literally.

Teacher coming through. Coming through!

Yes, I'm a teacher.

Hey, look, it's weird kid.

I'm a teacher!

I love that kid.

BELL RINGS

Punctuality is very important at Dockbridge,

and with just seconds to go until the first lesson,

one pupil needs some help.

Er, hello?

Hi, yeah, can you help me? I'm just trying to find...

Ah, ye have travelled from distant lands for the knowledge ye seek.

Kind of, I was just wondering where...

Those who ask questions should beware of the answers they may find.

I'm going to be late!

Yeah, OK, just wait.

SHE PANTS

If help you seek from such as me,

then first you must answer riddles three.

I just want to know where the design block is.

Yeah, well, I just want to give you three riddles.

So, just wait for this, cos it's very good.

Ah...

If the design block be your destination,

then three riddles for your consideration.

I'm just going to find it myself.

You must follow the light of the m-...

Never mind!

SHE SIGHS

Did I feed my dog this morning?

BELL RINGS

The day starts with history, and Miss Kinder wastes

no time in reminding the class that she's definitely a teacher.

Listen, I haven't got time to discuss altering electricity

payments right now.

I've got a class to teach, because I am a teacher.

Sorry, you know what it's like.

Bills, bills, bills.

Well, you wouldn't, because you're children.

But I certainly would, because I'm a teacher.

Why is weird kid being weird?

Mmm, what a lovely black coffee.

Oh, it's so bitter. Mmm, yum.

Er, where do you think you're going?

-To the toilet.

-Not until you ask more politely.

OK, can I go to the toilet, please, weird kid?

Oh, just go!

Now, today we're going to be talking about the history of cinema.

And talking of cinema, I went to Return Of Doom Island last night.

Was it scary?

No, because I'm an adult! I mean, yes.

Yes, it was very scary. Some people were very scared.

Especially when the zombies...

SHE GASPS

Or when they...

SHE WHIMPERS

Or the bit when they...

Some people cried all the way through.

Not me, though, because I'm very mature

and don't get scared by movies.

How about the bit when the head zombie comes in and goes...

SHE SCREAMS

Someone's done a proper stink in the toilet.

THEY LAUGH

Where did weird kid go?

BELL RINGS

In Geography, today's lesson is being taken by part-time

supply teacher and part-time street performer, Mr Busk.

Donate to learn? What's that about?

Er, sir, the lesson can start now.

Welcome, children. Oh, ain't it windy?

Now, today, we're going to be learning all about...

About what, sir?

..how to pass your GCSEs with flying colours.

Sound good, son?

THEY GROAN

How much is it going to take for you to teach us the full lesson?

Tenner.

Come on, guys. Donate to learn. Come on, everybody.

BELL RINGS

Breaktime, and Mrs Mark spots an old enemy while on

playgrounds duty.

What do I think of Marcella?

The girl that my Markie may or may not have been dating?

That female is not good enough for my Mark.

But as breaktime monitor, I have to make sure everyone is happy.

Even if it is...

..her.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

OK, great.

It's just...

..my friends.

They just literally, like, mugged me off.

They mugged you? You mean, they stole some of your things?

No, I mean they mugged me off, like, literally.

This is very confusing.

They're being mean about my hair, and now they've left me all alone.

What! That's outrageous.

Your hair is the only nice thing about you.

I mean, your hair's lovely.

Thanks, I guess.

I like your make-up. You could be a jogger.

A jogger?

You know, a make-up jogger on an internet.

Oh, you mean a blogger.

Thanks.

You mustn't listen to people like that.

You probably won't believe me,

but people used to say nasty things about me.

No way, that's, like, so not cool.

Well, I like your dress.

Oh, well, this old thing?

Yeah, it's sort of retro.

Oh, is that a good thing?

Yeah, retro's like old, but cool.

What a lovely thing to say!

-Crisp?

-Oh!

You know, you deserve to be treated better than that by your friends.

-Do you really think so?

-Mmm!

My son, Mark, would make a very good friend for you.

Oh, no, thanks.

Come round for supper one evening.

He certainly wouldn't mug you.

Maybe, whatever.

-Wonderful, it's a date.

-It's not a date.

You're going to love Mark.

After all, I do, and we're not so different you and I.

BELL RINGS

In PE, newlyweds Mr and Mrs Love are so in love that they prefer

to teach together.

A lot of PE's about teamwork, and what better team than us?

-There you are.

-Oh!

Here I am.

Excuse me?

Oh, sorry. Didn't see you there. We're just so in...

ALL: Love, we know.

Right, class, who's up for some badminton?

Now, badminton is all about working together as a team.

That's a great point, Mr Love, but a better point would be that

badminton is about hitting a shuttlecock over a net.

Love you.

That's so true. Love you too.

And whilst I do love you too, I'll just mention quickly that

-teamwork...

-We work so well as a team, because we're just so in love.

And the greatest thing about being in love,

which I definitely am, is knowing when to let the other person speak.

It's probably only right I speak now.

-I am so good at badminton, after all.

-You truly are, Mrs Love.

Probably not quite as good as me, but that's not important

when you're in love!

You're starting to sound like it is important, Mr Love.

Well, what is important is my love for you and also the fact that I...

..am better at badminton.

Where is this going?

You know what I don't love, Mr Love?

Your attitude.

And also, the fact that you're a real, actual poohead.

ALL: Oh!

Well, I don't like the fact that YOU...

..smell of bottom!

Well, your bottom is a bottom!

ALL: Oh!

Love you!

Love you too.

BELL RINGS

In maths with Mrs Hushman, Year 8 pupil Molly is still missing

her previous teacher, Mr Konnundrum.

I love the way he'd start every sentence,

"If a man or a woman, but in this case probably a man,"

and then he'd tell us about a problem that was just about him.

-I wish he'd come back from that cruise he went on.

-Me too.

Mrs Hushman's not quite as nice.

Can I please have some quiet!

There will be no talking, no whooping,

and certainly no...

ALL: Shenanigans.

I said quiet!

If Mr Konnundrum was here, he'd say,

if a man or a woman, but probably a man, didn't like shenanigans,

except he did, he loved them.

One more word and you'll be straight to isolation.

-YELLING:

-Do you hear me?

Hard not to, to be honest.

BELL RINGS

Lunchtime, and over in the playground,

Mrs Mark has some very exciting news for her son, Mark.

Oh, Markie!

-Oi oi, mum at 12 o'clock.

-She's not my mum!

You'll never guess who I was chatting to.

Who, Miss, who?

Marcella.

My girlfriend? Uh, she's not my girlfriend.

Well, I was thinking she SHOULD be your girlfriend.

She's such a sweet thing, like, literally.

And her friends were being mean to her,

so I invited her round for dinner, literally.

Oh, no, Mum!

I mean, Miss...

She's not my miss. I mean, mum.

You could wear your best shorts.

Oh, and we could buy those posh fish fingers.

You know, the gujon?

Oh, classy!

Oh, and you could borrow some of your father's aftershave.

Certainly worked for him.

Please make it stop.

Oh, this is going to be literally splendid.

Just you and my new daughter-in-law.

SHE GASPS

Do you think she'll call me Mum? No, you're right.

Mrs Mum is more professional.

Why is this happening?

BELL RINGS

After lunch, Mrs Hushman's next class is Year 10,

who are no more pleased to be there than her previous group.

So, if X over Y is greater than the square root of 678,

but less than...

-Mate...

-Sh!

-..do you hear that noise?

-Shhh!

You'll get us in trouble.

William, what are you doing?

HUMMING

It's Mr Konnundrum!

If a man or a woman,

but in this case probably a man...

Everyone, back to your seats.

I must have quiet!

Have you worked out the integer?

..and if that man gave up his job to pursue his dream of working

on a cruise ship,

but that turned into a floating nightmare of noise with

absolutely no-one doing any quiet reading.

And so, in a panic, he jumped overboard...

.. would the class that he abandoned,

A, take him back,

or B, reject him in favour of a new,

probably much more fun teacher?

A, sir. They take him back.

Definitely A, sir.

ALL: A! A! A! A! A!

Right, I'll take it from here, shall I?

ALL: A! A!

Right, then.

-YELLING:

-It's been a pleasure!

Colin says quiet reading.

We've done it, Colin!

Yes!

BELL RINGS

It's the end of another day,

and while certain people are happy to be leaving...

I've enjoyed my time here!

..for once, some pupils don't want to.

And if a man decides to do his business on his own leg to cure

a jellyfish sting, due to having seen it on a documentary,

what are the chances that that man will lose his balance

and land in a terrible mess of his own you know what?

100%, sir?

Correct.

THEY GROAN

And there was another time when...