Child Care Issues Class Dismissed


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Child Care Issues

Comedy series. New teaching assistant Mr Nappy discovers that being in a school and taking care of three babies doesn't mix.


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This is Dockbridge High, a school just like yours.

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For two years, our cameras have followed day-to-day life here.

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There have been highs and lows.

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We return for another year to find out how these talented

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teachers continue to excite and inspire a generation of young,

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eager minds at this most ordinary of schools.

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SHE SCREAMS

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This is Class Dismissed.

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BELL RINGS

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It's Wednesday and Year 10 start the day with English where Mr Capp

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appears to be going through some sort of rap battle phase.

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Let's get ready to Rumbleeeee!

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Kicking it old-school stylie. Holla!

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What's happening?

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Now, today, we're going to unbox the fresh vocals of my fam,

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the lyrical gangster... No, not Stormzy,

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it's big Willie Shakespeare!

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Epic rap battle time.

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-ALL GROAN

-Seriously, kill me.

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I knew you'd be ready to spill some rhymings.

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-What did you just say, sir?

-Tahj, sweet volunteering.

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Tough luck, mate.

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RAP MUSIC PLAYS

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I'm going to rap some Shakespeare

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and you're going to holla back when you're ready, T-Dizzle.

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But be warned, I'm pretty boss at rap battles.

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Uh-huh-huh, yeah.

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-RAPS:

-# I'm Mr Capp And I'm here to tell you

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# Billy Shakey's A hustler like a kangaroo

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# In iambic pentameter He pops all his lyrics

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# His use of the English language Is jolly terrific

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# He lived in old times But his words are relevant

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# I'm going to the shop to get myself an elephant. #

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Mic drop.

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-RAPS:

-# Your boy likes Shakespeare Your boy likes lyrics

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# But he always try and to teach us with gambits and gimmicks

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# We like plain speaking No need to try a witty

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# Shakespeare say it better in this little ditty. #

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Whoa!

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He's so good!

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# Listen to the many But speak to a few

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# Hear them opinions But let them cut through

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# No disrespect, sir I ain't being rude

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# I'm just quoting Hamlet Polonius too. #

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CLASS: Oh!

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Yeah, man. That was amazing.

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Did you just summarise Hamlet

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when Polonius tells Laertes to stop showing off and just be himself?

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Yeah. It's a good speech.

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Epic truth bomb!

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We cannae take much more truth, Captain,

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the ship won't take it! Rap bants.

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-I don't know what to say.

-BELL RINGS

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In reception, part-time teaching assistant

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and full-time dad Mr Nappy arrives late. Having been up all night

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with screaming triplets, he's finally got his babies off to sleep.

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-Shh!

-WHISPERS:

-Could you all keep it down, please? They're sleeping.

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I love babies. Can I just take a little peek?

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Oh, of course. But...

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if y'all wake them, then y'all will be the one who has to spend

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the next six hours holding them

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at a 45 degree angle whilst waggling Mr Tootsie at them

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so that they don't scream at a volume louder than a jet engine.

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Do you still want a little peek?

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Nope. I'm backing away now.

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Shh!

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BELL RINGS

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Meanwhile, in science,

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Mrs Stein uses custard to get Year 10 excited about physics.

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Right. Now, forget everything you've ever known about learning science.

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-Done.

-Excellent.

-Why are we out here, Miss?

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Because of Newton's first law of motion.

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Was that the answer you were looking for?

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If the laws of inertia are correct,

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if I spin this bucket round my head, the custard inside should

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stay inside, but what will happen if the bucket stops spinning?

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-The custard will fall out.

-But how do we know?

-It just will.

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How do we know before conducting an experiment?

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Because we know about gravity.

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Just to be sure though, I need a volunteer.

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Don't do it, please.

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Yes, Martin. Come here. Right. Excellent.

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Now, what I want you to do is spin the bucket round and round.

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Now, what do we say, children?

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-ALL: Stand back, we're doing science.

-Right.

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Off you go, Martin. Spin, spin, spin.

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Now spin that bucket round and round.

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As you can see, the custard stays inside the bucket,

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-but what happens if the bucket stops spinning?

-It's fairly obvious.

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Well, let's just check, shall we? OK, and in three, two, one, stop.

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Oh!

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Well, now we know. Science in action. Well done, everyone.

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-Tahj, clear him up, will you?

-What?

-Come on, everyone.

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-Back to classroom.

-Me?

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Break time and while Martin gets the custard out of his hair,

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Mr Nappy is juggling both playground duty and nap time.

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Shh!

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Shhhh!

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-BABIES CRY

-NO!

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-Hush now, little ones.

-BELL RINGS

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In art, Mr Rhomb starts with a lesson in camouflage.

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Greetings.

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I'm sitting here amongst you in order to appreciate more

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fully the mundanity of teenage life.

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-It's all right being a teenager, sir.

-Thank you, Emily.

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What a wonderfully tepid observation.

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Class, we are very fortunate to have a guest speaker with us today.

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One of the region's most formidable artists, Billy's parent.

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-Welcome, Billy's parent.

-Er, hi.

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It's such an honour to have another artiste in our midst.

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Tell me, what palette do you use when you are at work?

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Well, I usually just use magnolia,

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-but it sort of depends what the client wants.

-Phenomenal.

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For too many years I have underappreciated linear colour.

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Can you tell me if you use any equipment

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when you are creating a piece?

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Well, again, it depends what the client wants, but I usually just

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carry around a bit of spare tape, a roller, that kind of thing.

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Mind-blowing.

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Bringing the mundane into the heavenly.

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-And where could we see your art?

-Oh, well, I actually painted

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Jasmine's mum's living room the other month.

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It was great, sir. Really nice.

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Just fascinating. Habitation interiors.

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For the benefit of the class, do you think we could see you in action?

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Yeah, sure. Why not? Erm...

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-Go.

-TIMER TICKS

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An installation piece. Miraculous. I am in awe.

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She just paints people's walls.

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Installation pieces if you will, Bill.

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BELL RINGS

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Music next, and supply teacher Miss Davis is enjoying using

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her wind instrument.

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Make sure you're in a strong upright position,

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take a deep breath

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and simply blow away to your hearts content.

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SHE BREAKS WIND

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ALL GROAN

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Miss, I can't reach the high notes.

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Oh, I used to have that problem, Martin.

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Until I realised all I needed to do was close my eyes

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and believe I could do it.

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BREAKS WIND

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-C sharp if I'm not mistaken.

-Yep, very sharp.

-Right.

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If we're all ready. A-one, a-two, a-one, two, three, four.

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SHE BREAKS WIND

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BREAKS WIND

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BREAKS WIND

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MISS DAVIS FARTS REPEATEDLY

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THEY GROAN

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Very good, class.

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Although, whoever was playing the trombone was way off key.

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BELL RINGS

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It's lunchtime

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and Year 8 pupils Molly and Tammy are cementing their friendship.

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-I love your lunchbox. Let's do lunch swapsies.

-Yeah, OK, sure.

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We are so B-F-F-I-D-S-T-F-I-A-B.

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Best friends forever if destroyed still true for infinity and beyond.

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Yes! Sandwiches are, like, totally my favourite.

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No way! Crisps are, like, totally, like, my favourite-ist thing

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in the whole wide space planet world!

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Yeah, they're all right.

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I don't believe it,

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apples are, like, my totally favourite fruit beginning with A.

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How did you know?

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A pencil sharpener.

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A tube of glitter.

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A piece of paper with the word "sausages" written on it

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and the drawing of a goldfish.

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-She's called Marjorie.

-Is that it?

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I know, right? You are welcome.

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But where's the food?

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There's no food in there, silly!

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BELL RINGS

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In the afternoon,

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librarian Mrs Winston has finally decided to retire...

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Hey, readers, I need some privacy, capiche?

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..and pass on her empire to a young apprentice.

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Sometimes you have to know when to give it up.

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This is a young librarian's game. It's time for fresh blood.

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-Ain't it, Ronald?

-Yeah.

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So I'm saying to myself, I need someone I know.

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Someone who'll protect the library, you see what I'm saying?

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-Sorry, no.

-Someone who'll treat it like their own home, Martin.

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Someone will respect the no fizzy drinks near the books rule.

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Someone very close to me now.

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-Oh, you mean...?

-Yeah.

-..Ron?

-No, you!

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Now, pay attention! Cos running this joint ain't no piece of cake.

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Here is my most prized possession.

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It belongs to you now. The stamp.

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-Now repeat after me, don't be overdue.

-Don't be overdue.

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He's a natural. Good luck, kiddo. You're the boss now.

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Come on, Ron, it's time to leave. We've a plane to catch.

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Hey, Ron, you're staying with me.

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What? You can't be serious!

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I'm afraid I am, Miss. My library, my rules. Ron stays.

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Say hello to the family, won't you, sweetheart?

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-Nice lady that.

-Hm.

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BELL RINGS

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In the last lesson of the day,

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Year 10 are with Mr Konnundrum

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who's got more on his mind than maths.

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So, if a man, or a woman,

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but in this case probably a man,

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joins a dating website without fully understanding how it all works,

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because it's very confusing with all the different buttons and widgets

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and other complicated tech-fangled things on his smartphone, hm!

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And somehow, through no fault of his own,

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instead of arranging a date with a lady...

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..accidentally books an emergency plumber.

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LAUGHTER

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Should the man, A, apologise to the plumber for wasting his time

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and send him on his way, or B,

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go on a romantic dinner with the plumber anyway because he's already

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paid for the deposit on the table and wouldn't want to disappoint?

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Just explain to the plumber that you booked him by mistake.

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-I'm sure he'd understand, sir.

-You're right. Thanks, Tahj.

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You best be off.

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At least I saved some money on the dinner. You're right, Tahj.

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-By the way, there's still an 80 quid call-out charge.

-Oh. Of course.

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-Quiet reading!

-BELL RINGS

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It's the end of another day at Dockbridge High

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and Mr Nappy has managed to get his kids and himself off to sleep.

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HE SNORES

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BABY CRIES

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HE GROANS

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Hush now. Hush now.

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Hush now.

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# Wake me up before you go-go

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# Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo

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# Wake me up before you go-go

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# I don't want to miss it when you hit that high

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# Wake me up before you go-go

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-# Take me dancing tonight

-Jitterbug. #

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New teaching assistant Mr Nappy discovers that being in a school and taking care of three babies doesn't mix, Billy brings his mum into school and Miss Davis shows off her wind instrument in music class!