Slapstick Creeped Out

NARRATOR: The Curious.

They say he collects strange tales.

And if you ever hear his whistle,

you know something creepy is about to unfold.

No-one knows where he's from or where he's going to.

WHISTLING No-one's ever seen under his mask.

Maybe he's embarrassed to show us what's really under there.

Some people go to extremes to avoid embarrassment...

..even if it means sacrificing their own family.

FAINT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

DISTANT VOICES SING

# Happy birthday to you

# Happy birthday...

# Happy birthday, dear Patty

# Happy birthday to you. #

There you go, darling. Hope you like it.

SHE GIGGLES

-LAUGHTER AND GIGGLING

-What are you doing?

What are you doing with that? Come here, give me the... Argh!

Get off it!

Oh, when did this one slink in, eh?

-Morning, Dinky.

-Dad, we agreed to stop calling me...

-Oh!

-HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Someone needs to cut down on their fibre diet.

-Yep. Never gets tired, that one.

-Uh-uh, sneaky badger.

-Rank! What even is that?

-Surprise.

It'll do you a lot more good than those revolting lumps of sugar.

Mm.

THEY LAUGH AND GIGGLE

I don't want it! It's poison! You're poisoning me!

Please, can you try to resemble normal humans at the party tomorrow?

Oh, the annual Peterson smarm-fest.

I still don't get why we force ourselves over there every year.

Shall we not go?

Shall we just stay at home and cosy up on the sofa

-and have a horror movie marathon?

-Guys, no!

We need to make an effort. Pat is, like, the coolest girl in my year.

Really? Surely that prize should go to you, Dinky.

Dad, seriously!

Del, you know she hates that name.

Why, though? It's so cute!

It's really not.

And come away from the window, they'll see you.

Relax. It's not like they're the royal family or anything.

Patty got them new trainers I told you about.

Jessica, sweetheart, not again with the shoes.

Patty's mum gets her what she wants.

You don't see her begging.

Keep dreaming of someone else's life, kiddo,

you'll end up missing out on your own.

Wow, Dad. Deep.

And, guys! Come away from the window!

-Hey!

-All right?

-Your shoes are so nice!

THEY GIGGLE

Del! That was a clean shirt.

And? I'm saving that bit for later.

Are we going, then?

I take it you won't be wanting your present, then?

Drum roll, Maestro, please!

No, really, you actually got me a pair...?

I know they're not the exact ones you wanted,

but the man promised these were just as good.

And a quarter of the price. Ker-ching!

I actually think they look cooler.

Am I right?

At least try them on.

Come on, give us a show.

Shoes! Shoes!

-THEY CHANT:

-Shoes! Shoes! Shoes! Shoes! Shoes...

THEY LAUGH

Come on!

Bada-boom, perfect fit!

Yay.

Come on. Let's do a catwalk. Come on.

Yeah, come on.

That's it, try them out.

This way, girls, please. This way.

HE MIMICS CAMERA SHUTTER

-Nice shoes, Gerstenberger, where can I get a pair?

-GIRLS LAUGH

The shop round the corner, girls, called Footloose.

-They're on sale, too.

-Dad!

Although you won't find anything

-quite as hip as these bad boys in there.

-LAUGHTER

Sweetheart, what's wrong?

Are you actually kidding me?

Them. They're laughing at me.

Go on. Go away, you bunch of brats!

Mum! Stop!

I cannot believe you.

First you buy me these... these things...

Then I'm forced to parade up and down in public.

Why would you do that to me?

Why?

Everyone's going to know about this.

Don't overreact, Dinky.

Sorry. I wasn't thinking.

You never do. Either of you.

Not when it comes to me.

Jesse, hon, we just...

We didn't want you to miss out. That's all.

Why are you like this?

Why?

I just...

I wish you were both normal.

You are kidding. I can't go to work dressed in that.

There was a teeny little minor mix-up with the machine.

LAUGHTER

Don't forget your jacket.

LAUGHTER

Thank you, everyone. Thank you, boys and girls.

Any change? Thank you.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-I don't have any cash on me.

-A bit old for a puppet show.

I wasn't watching. Just...

..needed to sit.

What?

There's someone you need to talk to.

Over there.

Look, I said I don't have any money and I wasn't even properly watching,

-so...

-It's not about that.

He just wants to say hello.

Who?

Mr Blackteeth.

He won't bite.

He shouldn't do.

You look troubled.

Not giving you the heebie-jeebies, am I?

-No.

-The handle's Mr Blackteeth.

To make your acquaintance is my utmost pleasure.

OK.

I'm Jessie.

Okey dokey, pig in a pokey.

By my reckoning, that makes us pals.

Penny for your thoughts, Jessie?

No need to fear.

Unburden your woes.

HE CACKLES

Nothing. Just...

..my stupid parents.

We all know that feeling.

My mum and dad were thick as two short planks,

literally!

HE LAUGHS

You don't find me funny.

-I have to go now.

-Don't!

You haven't heard my proposition.

Yeah?

I'm good.

What if I said you could have the power to control your parents?

Interested?

It's easy peasy, lemony squeezy.

Just got to rap on your forehead three times.

WOODEN CLACKING

Then repeat back to me,

"That's the way to do it."

Come on, friend.

Unless you're scared?

Ooh, that's it! A yellow belly!

HE CLUCKS

Fine. If it'll make you shut up.

That's the way to do it.

Happy?

HE GIGGLES

LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES

What's this, then, silent treatment?

Because I stormed off yesterday?

Fine. Well, if you're planning on ignoring me, can you at least

do it whilst making me a normal breakfast for once?

Toast? OJ?

Is this, like, one of Dad's jokes that I never get?

Seriously.

OK. Well, whilst we're in normal mode,

how about Dad sticks on some decent trousers for once?

What are you doing?

What you told me to.

OK, stop.

So, if I told Mum to stick as many of these as she can in her mouth...

This is messed up.

What if I said you could have the power to control your parents?

They're like puppets.

OK. Recap time.

Remind me of the party rules.

-Dad?

-I must not crack jokes.

Nor will I embarrass Jessie.

If anyone in initiates conversation, I will simply nod and smile.

Bingo.

Mum? What do you do if there's group laughter?

I must join in, but using only an acceptable level of giggles.

This is going to be great. OK.

Perfect parents.

Let's do this.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, Patty. Loving the dress.

Gerstenberger. Loving the...

..shoes?

Ah. The neighbours.

You all look delightful.

Please, come in. Make yourselves at home.

Patricia, drinks are running low.

Head to the kitchen and top us up, dear.

Mum, my friends are on the way.

Um, I'll lend a hand...

..if you want.

Perfect.

Stop smiling. Come on.

I was thinking,

seeing as we're neighbours, plus I'm in your class...

Well, it makes sense that maybe

we walk to school together?

I really don't want to do that.

Patricia.

What's that?

Have you been wrestling pigs in a sty?

Take yourself upstairs to change.

Must have been when I sat on the bench.

Bird poop.

I still think you look great.

Patty?

Thank my stars, Del.

Almost didn't recognise you.

Thought I was destined to suffer this hell alone.

Same old Peterson guff every year.

Why do we force ourselves, eh?

How about one of your jokes? It'll liven this place up a bit.

Del?

Is...

Is everything OK?

Gerstenberger.

Do you want sauce with that?

GIRLS LAUGH

Yes! I can't believe you've done that!

Why would you do that?

Cos it's funny?

Mum was right.

You lot are just...

..losers.

-THEY LAUGH AND GIGGLE

-Losers!

GIGGLING QUIETLY

TV IN BACKGROUND

Mum?

I was wondering if maybe tomorrow I could have one of your smoothies?

And what would you like in this smoothie?

Well, I don't know.

Surprise me.

And how would you like me to surprise you?

Actually, don't worry.

Dad?

Haven't been given one of them annoying bear hugs in a while.

Go on, then, as we're here.

No, no, it's more like...

SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Remember?

Stupid fibre diet?

OK. I think it should stop now.

I'm done. Game over.

Just...

..just go back to how you were.

-BOTH:

-And how do we go back to how we were?

Wait. Wait, hang on.

That's the way to do it.

That's the way to do it, please.

That's the way to do it!

He's gone.

ECHOING CACKLE

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

SHE SOBS

-FAINTLY:

-Roll up! Roll up!

Come and see Mr Blackteeth's Theatre of Hilarity!

Roll up! Roll up! The show is about to begin!

-Oh, Del!

-What?

-That was a clean shirt.

-And?

I'm saving that bit for later.

You sneaky badger!

LAUGHTER

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

Oh! Someone needs to cut down on their fibre diet.

LAUGHTER

Come on, Del, I'll fix you one of my smoothies.

Oh, wait.

What's in it this time?

It's a surprise.

-CLANG!

-Oh!

Well, I'm not sure, not after last time.

Well, it'll do you a lot more good than those revolting lumps of sugar.

Oh.

Ta-da!

-Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

-Thank you, boys and girls!

-Bye!

-Bye-bye!

-Jessie.

-Sweetheart.

Mum?

Dad?

-Is that really you?

-Help us, Jessie...

Whoever's in charge, come out.

GIGGLING

Right now!

GIGGLING

Right, well, I'm coming in.

Well, well.

My old pal Jessie.

I want you to come out. Now.

SCURRYING

Say!

You lost your noodle?

Who are you talking to?

I'm the one in control.

So, beginning to regret your decision, huh?

Not surprised.

Your mum and dad are a big hit.

HE LAUGHS

Get us out of here!

How do I turn it off?

You don't.

No. There must be a way. Anything, please, I...

..I just want my parents back.

There is one way.

But I don't think you'll like it very much.

I had to come. To explain.

As soon as you sat down for the show, I knew you were a candidate.

What do you mean?

He tricked me, too. Blackteeth.

I had this dumb argument with my parents.

I played along with his little game.

Then the next morning...

You know the rest.

There was only one way to free them.

I had to find replacements.

Uh-uh-uh!

I prefer the term understudies.

Took me a long time.

Then I found you.

As soon as you uttered those words...

..they came back to me.

This is yours now. You need to find your own understudies.

I'm sorry.

Let's go home.

What are you willing to do

to get your parents back?

It's all yours now, kiddo.

Good luck, Jessie.

HE GIGGLES

You've already had one.

Sort your attitude out, all right? I've had enough.

-Yeah.

-You always want more and more and more.

Never satisfied, you.

NARRATOR: Ever been embarrassed by your parents?

Why not knock three times and say out loud,

"That's the way to do it."

ECHOING LAUGHTER

But only if you're willing to face the consequences.