Slapstick Creeped Out


Slapstick

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Transcript


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NARRATOR: The Curious.

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They say he collects strange tales.

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And if you ever hear his whistle,

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you know something creepy is about to unfold.

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No-one knows where he's from or where he's going to.

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WHISTLING No-one's ever seen under his mask.

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Maybe he's embarrassed to show us what's really under there.

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Some people go to extremes to avoid embarrassment...

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..even if it means sacrificing their own family.

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FAINT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

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DISTANT VOICES SING

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# Happy birthday to you

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# Happy birthday...

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# Happy birthday, dear Patty

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# Happy birthday to you. #

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There you go, darling. Hope you like it.

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SHE GIGGLES

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-LAUGHTER AND GIGGLING

-What are you doing?

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What are you doing with that? Come here, give me the... Argh!

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Get off it!

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Oh, when did this one slink in, eh?

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-Morning, Dinky.

-Dad, we agreed to stop calling me...

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-Oh!

-HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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Someone needs to cut down on their fibre diet.

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-Yep. Never gets tired, that one.

-Uh-uh, sneaky badger.

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-Rank! What even is that?

-Surprise.

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It'll do you a lot more good than those revolting lumps of sugar.

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Mm.

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THEY LAUGH AND GIGGLE

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I don't want it! It's poison! You're poisoning me!

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Please, can you try to resemble normal humans at the party tomorrow?

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Oh, the annual Peterson smarm-fest.

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I still don't get why we force ourselves over there every year.

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Shall we not go?

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Shall we just stay at home and cosy up on the sofa

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-and have a horror movie marathon?

-Guys, no!

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We need to make an effort. Pat is, like, the coolest girl in my year.

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Really? Surely that prize should go to you, Dinky.

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Dad, seriously!

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Del, you know she hates that name.

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Why, though? It's so cute!

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It's really not.

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And come away from the window, they'll see you.

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Relax. It's not like they're the royal family or anything.

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Patty got them new trainers I told you about.

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Jessica, sweetheart, not again with the shoes.

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Patty's mum gets her what she wants.

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You don't see her begging.

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Keep dreaming of someone else's life, kiddo,

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you'll end up missing out on your own.

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Wow, Dad. Deep.

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And, guys! Come away from the window!

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-Hey!

-All right?

-Your shoes are so nice!

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THEY GIGGLE

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Del! That was a clean shirt.

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And? I'm saving that bit for later.

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Are we going, then?

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I take it you won't be wanting your present, then?

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Drum roll, Maestro, please!

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No, really, you actually got me a pair...?

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I know they're not the exact ones you wanted,

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but the man promised these were just as good.

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And a quarter of the price. Ker-ching!

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I actually think they look cooler.

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Am I right?

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At least try them on.

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Come on, give us a show.

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Shoes! Shoes!

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-THEY CHANT:

-Shoes! Shoes! Shoes! Shoes! Shoes...

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THEY LAUGH

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Come on!

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Bada-boom, perfect fit!

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Yay.

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Come on. Let's do a catwalk. Come on.

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Yeah, come on.

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That's it, try them out.

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This way, girls, please. This way.

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HE MIMICS CAMERA SHUTTER

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-Nice shoes, Gerstenberger, where can I get a pair?

-GIRLS LAUGH

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The shop round the corner, girls, called Footloose.

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-They're on sale, too.

-Dad!

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Although you won't find anything

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-quite as hip as these bad boys in there.

-LAUGHTER

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Sweetheart, what's wrong?

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Are you actually kidding me?

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Them. They're laughing at me.

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Go on. Go away, you bunch of brats!

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Mum! Stop!

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I cannot believe you.

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First you buy me these... these things...

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Then I'm forced to parade up and down in public.

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Why would you do that to me?

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Why?

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Everyone's going to know about this.

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Don't overreact, Dinky.

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Sorry. I wasn't thinking.

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You never do. Either of you.

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Not when it comes to me.

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Jesse, hon, we just...

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We didn't want you to miss out. That's all.

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Why are you like this?

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Why?

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I just...

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I wish you were both normal.

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You are kidding. I can't go to work dressed in that.

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There was a teeny little minor mix-up with the machine.

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LAUGHTER

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Don't forget your jacket.

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LAUGHTER

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Thank you, everyone. Thank you, boys and girls.

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Any change? Thank you.

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-Thank you.

-Thank you.

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-I don't have any cash on me.

-A bit old for a puppet show.

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I wasn't watching. Just...

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..needed to sit.

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What?

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There's someone you need to talk to.

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Over there.

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Look, I said I don't have any money and I wasn't even properly watching,

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-so...

-It's not about that.

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He just wants to say hello.

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Who?

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Mr Blackteeth.

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He won't bite.

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He shouldn't do.

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You look troubled.

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Not giving you the heebie-jeebies, am I?

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-No.

-The handle's Mr Blackteeth.

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To make your acquaintance is my utmost pleasure.

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OK.

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I'm Jessie.

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Okey dokey, pig in a pokey.

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By my reckoning, that makes us pals.

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Penny for your thoughts, Jessie?

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No need to fear.

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Unburden your woes.

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HE CACKLES

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Nothing. Just...

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..my stupid parents.

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We all know that feeling.

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My mum and dad were thick as two short planks,

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literally!

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HE LAUGHS

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You don't find me funny.

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-I have to go now.

-Don't!

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You haven't heard my proposition.

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Yeah?

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I'm good.

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What if I said you could have the power to control your parents?

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Interested?

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It's easy peasy, lemony squeezy.

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Just got to rap on your forehead three times.

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WOODEN CLACKING

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Then repeat back to me,

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"That's the way to do it."

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Come on, friend.

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Unless you're scared?

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Ooh, that's it! A yellow belly!

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HE CLUCKS

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Fine. If it'll make you shut up.

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That's the way to do it.

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Happy?

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HE GIGGLES

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LAUGHTER INTENSIFIES

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What's this, then, silent treatment?

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Because I stormed off yesterday?

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Fine. Well, if you're planning on ignoring me, can you at least

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do it whilst making me a normal breakfast for once?

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Toast? OJ?

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Is this, like, one of Dad's jokes that I never get?

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Seriously.

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OK. Well, whilst we're in normal mode,

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how about Dad sticks on some decent trousers for once?

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What are you doing?

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What you told me to.

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OK, stop.

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So, if I told Mum to stick as many of these as she can in her mouth...

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This is messed up.

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What if I said you could have the power to control your parents?

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They're like puppets.

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OK. Recap time.

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Remind me of the party rules.

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-Dad?

-I must not crack jokes.

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Nor will I embarrass Jessie.

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If anyone in initiates conversation, I will simply nod and smile.

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Bingo.

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Mum? What do you do if there's group laughter?

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I must join in, but using only an acceptable level of giggles.

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This is going to be great. OK.

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Perfect parents.

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Let's do this.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hi, Patty. Loving the dress.

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Gerstenberger. Loving the...

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..shoes?

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Ah. The neighbours.

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You all look delightful.

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Please, come in. Make yourselves at home.

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Patricia, drinks are running low.

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Head to the kitchen and top us up, dear.

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Mum, my friends are on the way.

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Um, I'll lend a hand...

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..if you want.

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Perfect.

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Stop smiling. Come on.

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I was thinking,

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seeing as we're neighbours, plus I'm in your class...

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Well, it makes sense that maybe

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we walk to school together?

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I really don't want to do that.

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Patricia.

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What's that?

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Have you been wrestling pigs in a sty?

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Take yourself upstairs to change.

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Must have been when I sat on the bench.

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Bird poop.

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I still think you look great.

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Patty?

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Thank my stars, Del.

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Almost didn't recognise you.

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Thought I was destined to suffer this hell alone.

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Same old Peterson guff every year.

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Why do we force ourselves, eh?

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How about one of your jokes? It'll liven this place up a bit.

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Del?

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Is...

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Is everything OK?

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Gerstenberger.

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Do you want sauce with that?

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GIRLS LAUGH

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Yes! I can't believe you've done that!

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Why would you do that?

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Cos it's funny?

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Mum was right.

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You lot are just...

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..losers.

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-THEY LAUGH AND GIGGLE

-Losers!

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GIGGLING QUIETLY

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TV IN BACKGROUND

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Mum?

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I was wondering if maybe tomorrow I could have one of your smoothies?

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And what would you like in this smoothie?

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Well, I don't know.

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Surprise me.

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And how would you like me to surprise you?

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Actually, don't worry.

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Dad?

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Haven't been given one of them annoying bear hugs in a while.

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Go on, then, as we're here.

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No, no, it's more like...

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SHE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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Remember?

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Stupid fibre diet?

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OK. I think it should stop now.

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I'm done. Game over.

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Just...

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..just go back to how you were.

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-BOTH:

-And how do we go back to how we were?

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Wait. Wait, hang on.

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That's the way to do it.

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That's the way to do it, please.

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That's the way to do it!

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He's gone.

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ECHOING CACKLE

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I'm sorry.

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I'm so sorry.

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SHE SOBS

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-FAINTLY:

-Roll up! Roll up!

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Come and see Mr Blackteeth's Theatre of Hilarity!

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Roll up! Roll up! The show is about to begin!

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-Oh, Del!

-What?

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-That was a clean shirt.

-And?

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I'm saving that bit for later.

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You sneaky badger!

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LAUGHTER

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HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

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Oh! Someone needs to cut down on their fibre diet.

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LAUGHTER

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Come on, Del, I'll fix you one of my smoothies.

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Oh, wait.

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What's in it this time?

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It's a surprise.

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-CLANG!

-Oh!

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Well, I'm not sure, not after last time.

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Well, it'll do you a lot more good than those revolting lumps of sugar.

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Oh.

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Ta-da!

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-Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

-Thank you, boys and girls!

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-Bye!

-Bye-bye!

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-Jessie.

-Sweetheart.

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Mum?

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Dad?

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-Is that really you?

-Help us, Jessie...

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Whoever's in charge, come out.

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GIGGLING

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Right now!

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GIGGLING

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Right, well, I'm coming in.

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Well, well.

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My old pal Jessie.

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I want you to come out. Now.

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SCURRYING

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Say!

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You lost your noodle?

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Who are you talking to?

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I'm the one in control.

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So, beginning to regret your decision, huh?

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Not surprised.

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Your mum and dad are a big hit.

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HE LAUGHS

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Get us out of here!

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How do I turn it off?

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You don't.

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No. There must be a way. Anything, please, I...

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..I just want my parents back.

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There is one way.

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But I don't think you'll like it very much.

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I had to come. To explain.

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As soon as you sat down for the show, I knew you were a candidate.

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What do you mean?

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He tricked me, too. Blackteeth.

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I had this dumb argument with my parents.

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I played along with his little game.

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Then the next morning...

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You know the rest.

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There was only one way to free them.

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I had to find replacements.

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Uh-uh-uh!

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I prefer the term understudies.

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Took me a long time.

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Then I found you.

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As soon as you uttered those words...

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..they came back to me.

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This is yours now. You need to find your own understudies.

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I'm sorry.

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Let's go home.

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What are you willing to do

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to get your parents back?

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It's all yours now, kiddo.

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Good luck, Jessie.

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HE GIGGLES

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You've already had one.

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Sort your attitude out, all right? I've had enough.

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-Yeah.

-You always want more and more and more.

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Never satisfied, you.

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NARRATOR: Ever been embarrassed by your parents?

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Why not knock three times and say out loud,

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"That's the way to do it."

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ECHOING LAUGHTER

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But only if you're willing to face the consequences.

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