Cat Food Creeped Out


Cat Food

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The Curious, they say he collects strange tales.

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And if you ever hear his whistle,

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you know something creepy is about to unfold.

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No-one knows where he's from, or where he's going to,

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but somehow he senses when a tale is about to happen.

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He's...drawn to them.

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Have you ever wondered what might be going on behind closed doors?

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A door only just across the street might have behind it something you

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wouldn't get within a mile of.

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SHE SIGHS

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Don't tell me you're still on that level?

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And loving it.

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You know what you need to do?

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Yeah, win. Zip it, stupidio.

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Just use the cheat code that I gave you.

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And you should zip it.

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SHE SIGHS

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You'll go straight to the coin fountain.

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You won't need to fight the bank robbers.

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Yeah, well, we're not all cheaters like you, little brother.

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Hey!

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I'm offended you would even suggest such a thing.

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Anyway, it's not cheating.

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It's winning without the pain.

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If I don't practise on the bank robbers,

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I won't have the skills for the coin fountain.

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SHE SIGHS

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You can't cheat your way out of everything.

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What are you doing?

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WHISPERS: Showtime.

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HE COUGHS

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Mum!

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HE COUGHS

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Oh, Stu, you look awful.

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HE GROANS

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Yeah, you do look awful. And so sudden!

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I can make it, I know I can.

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No, don't be silly.

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I'll work from home.

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What's that doing up here?

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That's mine. It...

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adds shine to your hair...

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they say.

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Really?

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Apparently.

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HE COUGHS

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You just rest up.

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HE MOANS

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You owe me big-time, stupidio.

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I'll tell you what I do owe ya...

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HE CHUCKLES

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BIRD CAWS

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Cat-killer strikes again.

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CAT MEOWS

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One, two, three, four.

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Yes!

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Jackpot.

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WATER RUNS

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FLOOR CREAKS

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SCREAMING ON TV

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No! It's consuming him!

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No, no, no!

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How many cats does this woman have?

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Weird.

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ALARM SOUNDS

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Well, what you doing over there?

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I didn't want to get behind,

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so I thought I'd catch up on some school work.

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Oh, that can wait, silly.

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Now, I was saving this for your birthday, but I thought you could do

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a cheering up.

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-MUFFLED:

-It's a two-headed trick coin.

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You know, heads always wins?

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Stu?

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It's great. Thanks, Mum.

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Whoa.

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False wall.

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How's she so strong?

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She's a freak.

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LIQUID BUBBLES

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What is she doing?!

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Stu?

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Mum, something majorly weird is going on.

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What are you doing in my room?

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Mrs McMurtle was carrying crates of cat food bigger than her!

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And she was pouring them into the cauldron in a hidden space in the

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-garage...

-Oh, you're all hot.

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Just look, there's a false wall in the garage!

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Oh, my days.

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What? What?

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This fever's worse than I thought.

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Now, you're hallucinating.

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Come on, bed.

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-But the wall...

-Bed!

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HE SIGHS

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DOGS BARKING

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CAMERA BEEPS

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Ugh!

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What is she doing?

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Grim!

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GROWLING

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HE GASPS

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Oh, great.

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"Steals your body."

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HE GASPS

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-What happened to sleeping?

-Mum, she's a monster!

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-Who?

-Mrs McMurtle, look!

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I just saw her turn into that!

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Stu, stop this. You're not well.

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Look for yourself. She's bathing in melted cat food!

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This is the little old lady across the street we're talking about?

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She's also one of them!

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I saw her change!

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-A koekoeken!

-Enough.

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If you're well enough to be making up stories,

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you're well enough to go to school.

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Wait.

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If she's not a monster, then maybe she's losing her marbles.

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Why else would someone do that?

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Well, maybe you didn't see what you think you saw.

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What if I did and she needs help?

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We should call the police.

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They can go over and check it out.

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She could be in danger.

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I'm not calling the police over this.

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I'll go over and check out the garage.

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What? No!

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-Mum, you can't.

-Don't worry, I'm not going to embarrass you.

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I won't tell her you were spying on her when you've should've been

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in bed. I'll just pretend I'm there to borrow her lawn mower.

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Mum, please. I don't want you going over there alone.

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I think I can handle a little old lady.

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Don't answer, don't answer.

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Oh, no.

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Mum, keep focused!

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Man...

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HE SIGHS

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Be careful, Mum.

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PHONE RINGS

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Don't answer the phone!

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What's that?

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She'll be back soon!

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The wall, Mum. The false wall.

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Keep looking. I know it's there.

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Yes, I knew it!

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What?

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No.

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The bath, she's hidden it.

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Turn around, Mum. Turn around!

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Mum, behind you.

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She's coming!

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Oh, thank you. Your garage is...

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No.

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Kidding me.

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Look what the monster sent over for you.

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She's perfectly sane by the way, unlike some people.

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That gardening stuff, it must've been a false wall or something.

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She must've moved the bath.

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We're not talking about this any more.

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You are going straight back to bed,

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while I take care something at the office.

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-Since when?

-I got a call while I was at Mrs McMurtle's.

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Don't worry. I've arranged a baby-sitter.

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Thanks for the idea, by the way.

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No more monsters!

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Baby-sitter?

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oh, no.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hello, duck. Aren't you going to invite me in?

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So, your mum tells me you're ill?

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What is it, duck? A poorly head?

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You need vinegar and brown paper.

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"Jack fell down and broke his crown.

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"Up Jack got and home did trot as fast as he could caper.

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"He went to bed and bound his head with vinegar and brown paper."

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Care for a mint, duck?

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Oh, well.

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Your loss is my gain.

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This old lady routine might work on my mum, but you don't fool me.

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Routine?

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I saw you in the garage.

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I know you did, duck.

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I made sure of it.

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I got your attention with the delivery...

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..and I allowed you to see my sure strength on the driveway.

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And then, the garage.

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GROWLING

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You needed to see everything you saw today.

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I wanted your mum to come over.

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It only took one fake phone call to get her out of the house.

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Why?

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So, I could end up here...

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with you...

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alone.

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Do you think you're the only one that spies on your neighbours, duck?

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SHE CHUCKLES

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I've seen you, at the end of every term,

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break into your poor father's study and copy his exam questions.

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I suppose you sell them on to fellow cheats at a price?

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Bingo.

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Why would you do all this?

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What would you do, duck,

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if at the end of your life you could start all over

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by taking a fresh new body?

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I've taken many forms over the years.

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SCREAMING

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When I acquired this body,

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it wasn't much younger than you.

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Acquired? You mean stole?

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Oh, no, duck.

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I didn't steal it.

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It were given to me.

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Just like you are going to give me yours.

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I'm looking forward to being a boy again.

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You looking for this?

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I expect you're wondering about the cat food.

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It's the taurine inside -

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we need it for nourishment.

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Of course, 500 years ago, there was no cat food.

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We had to boil up cow's urine to sustain us.

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SHE CHUCKLES

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Can you imagine?

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KNOB TURNS

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KNOB TURNS AGAIN

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I've written a letter, duck.

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All I have to do is post it.

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-What letter?

-To your school.

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Imagine what they'd say when they find out that you've been selling

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exam questions.

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You'd be expelled...instantly.

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People would know that you're a cheat.

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Your father's the vice principal.

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He'd be fired.

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And your loving sister Kelly, she works so hard for her grades.

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Imagine if people thought she were involved, too.

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I don't want to do that.

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I just want you to play the game.

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What game?

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The koekoeken are not without their morals, duck.

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I can't just take your body.

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First, I have to win it.

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How?

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Best of three games of chance - of the host's choosing.

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And if you lose?

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Then I stay in this body.

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Sometimes the koekoeken don't live for ever.

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It all depends on how well you play the game.

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This game...

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..it can be anything I choose?

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Mm-hm.

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OK, the game is heads or tails.

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I call heads.

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Oh, now, Stu.

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You know I see everything,

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including Mummy's little presents.

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Choose another game.

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I know.

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Why don't we...

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..play cards?

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We both choose a card and the highest card wins,

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so all you have to do is to pick a card higher than me.

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Easy.

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Oh, my dear duck.

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What are the chances?

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That's one-nil to me.

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Lose again and you lose your body.

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SHE GIGGLES

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SHE GASPS

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HE SIGHS

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It's all down to the final game.

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Winner takes all.

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My turn to pick.

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Oh, my.

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You do know the only thing that beats a king is an ace?

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I don't want to play any more.

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If you don't play, you forfeit.

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I win by default.

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HE SIGHS

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SHE GASPS

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-Boom!

-No.

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No!

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HE CRACKS HIS KNUCKLES

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SHE GASPS

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You cheated!

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It's not cheating.

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It's winning without the pain.

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You!

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Stu, breakfast is ready.

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Finish up, now. Can't be late this morning.

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I'd show you a cool trick with those,

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but I know you don't like cheating.

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No, I don't know.

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People can change...

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..can't they, duck?

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Turns out Kelly would do anything to protect you from being expelled,

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including playing a harmless little card game.

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What have you done?

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Thank you for teaching me that camera trick, Stu,

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otherwise I might never have beaten Kelly.

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But it isn't cheating, right, duck?

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It's simply...winning...

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without the pain.

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A quick cheat, a lifetime to regret.

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So next time you feel like taking that short cut to victory,

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think twice.

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You never know who might be watching.

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