Bogmoor Birthday Dani's Castle

I declare this castle meeting open.

I think we all know what the first order of business should be?

Guys, I know exactly what you're about to say.

We have to evict those pigeons from the downstairs loo.

The only reason we have pigeons is because of your filthy habits!

There is absolutely no proof that any of that is my fault.

Jimmy, you're turning this castle into a total dump. OK,

even more of a total dump, but it has to stop!

Yesterday, I found an old sock in the bread bin.

-A used hanky in the library.

-A half-eaten burger in the sink!

We have ghosts. Let's face it, some of them

have been known to prank...

Hello? I'm a professional ghost-slash-terrifying presence?

-Like I'd waste my time on dirty dishes!

-We all know it's you, Jimmy.

And we've all agreed that you have to clean

the castle from top to bottom. Sweeping, dusting and wiping.

-By the end of today. No excuses!

-Excuses?

I live to clean!

There's no way he's going to spend a whole day tidying!

You want a clean castle? I'll give you a clean castle!

Esme, Jimmy's a gentleman!

-He's given his word and I have every faith in him.

-Thanks, Gabe.

-Never going to happen.

-Hey! This time I'm serious.

-There, see.

-We WILL see.

-Hiya.

-Kaitlin! Muddy puddles.

You're turning this place into a right dump!

You took Prince William for a ride around the field again, didn't you?

-He doesn't throw me off deliberately. He just...

-Hates anyone riding him?

Enjoys seeing you suffer?

Is the worst-tempered horse in the whole world?

What are you talking about? Wills is a total sweetheart!

Will, will you please just...

Well, it's not his fault! How would you react if no-one liked you?

-We would like him, if he wasn't so horrible.

-Face it, Kait.

-That horse is a monster!

-Totally.

-Definitely!

-Absolutely!

The rest of you I expected this from, but you!

Do I make fun of television or fashion or any of your hobbies?

I thought you were my best friend!

Let's see Jimmy try and tidy all this up.

He'll never catch all that dust with some lame duster!

Let me get this straight.

You're going round the castle, making the whole thing even

more untidy, just to make Jimmy's life harder?

-Yep. That about sums it up.

-OK!

Hey, look, I'm really sorry

we were really hard on Prince William.

Come on, Kait, Prince William's not that bad.

He has a really shiny mane?

That's due to the conditioning treatment I use on him once a week.

What happened to your hand?

Oh, I went out to tell him what everyone said. Did not go well.

I wish people could see him like I do.

Maybe if more people believed in him then he'd start to win rosettes

instead of bite or kick or blow snot in people's faces.

-As if that's ever going to happen.

-Well, maybe.

-I mean, there must be a way, right?

-Like what?

-Hey, we're best friends.

You want the world to see your version of Prince William

and I am going to make it happen.

Somehow... Does he really blow snot in people's faces?

Yeah, but it's not that bad when you learn to keep your hood up

and wear a balaclava.

And after I promised the others you were as good as your word!

Look, I've tried! I'm not made for tidying!

I'm made for spilling things and playing video games!

Sorry, Jimmy, but we all have to do our bit.

Why should you get away with doing nothing?

It's not as if it's Christmas, or your birthday or something.

-It is my birthday!

-What?!

-Yep.

Today, anniversary of my birth.

-Didn't I mention this before?

-It isn't, is it?!

And you all forgot. Poor, unloved me.

Allow me. Birthday boy.

Kait, you will never guess what?!

-Well, aren't you going to guess?

-Why?

You said I'd never be able to.

Prince William is going to be the Horse Of The Week

on Bogmoor News today!

But they told me to get lost when I suggested Prince William be co-host!

What did you say to them?

Let Prince William on your programme or Pongo gets it!

Pathetic.

No big deal. I used to be a soap opera actress, remember.

So I have got a little bit of juice with the media.

This is amazing! Thank you so much.

-Excuse me, ladies.

-Hi, Gabe.

When people see Prince William on the telly,

they're going to love him just as much as I do!

Your horse is finally on the road to redemption.

Which makes a change from being in the road, blocking traffic!

Oh, there's a journalist coming over to give you an interview,

so be ready to big up Prince William.

No problem. I've got loads of great stories to tell him.

Oh, I could tell him about the time

he chased those schoolkids seven miles.

Or I could tell him about the time

when he ate the gardener's best wig...

Oh, or what about the time

when it was Prince William's first gymkhana?

You mean when he didn't jump over a single fence?

-And kicked over the cake stall?

-So he doesn't like cake.

He's a healthy eater!

Maybe when the journalist gets here

you should concentrate on more positive stories.

Those were positive stories! Weren't you listening?

-Well, maybe you should let me give you a spot of media training.

-Why?

She asks the questions, I give her the answers. No problemo!

But I could just give you a few tips to help you present

Prince William in the best light.

Sure, if you think it'd help.

Anything to help me spread the news about the best horse in Ireland!

By the time I'm finished with you,

you'll be so good at giving interviews

Prince William will sound like... Well, like Prince William.

-Whoops! Oh, no.

-Don't worry about it,

-Jimmy!

-You can't call poor Jimmy to clean this up!

-Not on his birthday!

-BOTH: Birthday?!

Esme! I cannot believe you!

You're creating more work for poor Jimmy?!

OK, first of all, he deserves it.

And second of all, why can't you believe it?

-This is something I would totally do.

-Wow.

No-one's cleaned in here for a while.

-Someone should really get on that.

-Good news!

As it's your birthday, Esme and Leo

have offered to spend the day attending to your every need.

-They have?

-We have?

-We have?!

Unless they want me to tell Dani and Kaitlin what they've been up to...

-Yes.

-Well played, brother. Well played.

Please take a seat, Master Jimmy.

-You deserve to be spoiled. I got you this for starters.

-A milkshake?

Yep, a fruity milkshake with all the fruit strained out

and topped up with sugar.

Almost no nutritional value whatsoever!

One of you peel Jimmy some grapes.

Why can't you just eat the grapes with the skin on like normal people?

I would but it's my birthday. Refill?

Would you like some peanuts with your beverage this time?

-You know what? Yeah, I would!

-Esme? Peanuts? Chop chop.

Is it just me or does this whole birthday thing

-sound a bit convenient?

-Nah, it's just you.

-Ready.

-Yep.

-Kaitlin?

-Natasha from Bogmoor News.

-Hello, Natasha from Bogmoor News.

Lovely to meet you. Take a seat.

I'd like to tell you a little bit about my horse.

-A pleasant creature, is he?

-Definitely! Super-friendly.

Although some people don't really like the horse

eating at the dinner table, but what do they know?

-Yeah, it's probably best to avoid that whole area.

-OK, will do!

-Well, Prince William is a very clever horse.

-Really?

Do tell me more.

-Oh, yeah, he goes to school.

-He goes to school?

-Well, he's been caught

breaking into the local school more than once.

-Kait! You can't say that!

-Why not? He has a thirst for knowledge!

We both know he was aiming for the canteen.

Look, please just don't tell any of these stories.

You want Prince William to be loved, don't you?

I've heard all these stories and I still love him.

Why don't you tell her a nice neutral story that doesn't have any

incriminating details?

Still don't know what's wrong with any of the other stories,

but all right.

See, the thing about Prince William is, he's a fantastic friend.

Always there when I need him,

and there to cheer me up when I'm down.

That's perfect! Now just relax, lean back.

Just act like you don't care.

THUD

I think that might be too relaxed.

BANGING

-That must be the reporter!

-Yay!

-Yay?

-What, you really think you're ready for this?

-Well, why not?

This is about Prince William, not me.

Besides, what are the chances I'd fall off my chair a second time?

THUD

WHALE MUSIC PLAYS

-You like?

-Yeah!

I'd never considered having a beauty routine before,

-this is well relaxing!

-Good.

What's going on?

What happened to the lovely whale noises?!

So, it's your birthday, is it?

-What star sign are you?

-Um...

-What age were you three years ago?

-I know this one...

-Which celebrity shares your birthday?

-Justin Bieber?

-No, Carly Rae Jepsen!

-Ha! I knew it wasn't your birthday?

-Is so!

I wouldn't lie about something like that.

Especially just to get out of cleaning the castle. Oops.

Please don't tell anyone!

-Gabe'll be really upset.

-Fine, I'll keep it to myself.

On one condition.

Keep juggling. The producers of Living People Do The Funniest Things

are going to lap this up! Smile.

Do we really have to bake Jimmy a

seven-tier super-deluxe chocolate birthday gateau?

-Yes!

-I feel terrible for having such a go at him this morning.

-Why didn't he just tell us?

-Too shy.

-Jimmy?

Too loud, too annoying, and too dirty I understand, but too shy?

You know how much it means to him to be living with family at last.

How would you feel if we forgot your special day?

OK. One super-deluxe chocolate birthday gateau coming right up.

It worked!

Soon the whole world will see how amazing Prince William really is!

And here we are with the owner of Prince William, the self-proclaimed

best horse in Ireland. Kaitlin, tell us a bit about him.

This is my bit! This is my bit!

It doesn't matter which race Prince William enters,

he's always the best one of the bunch.

Even though he's never won a single one.

'He's kind and loving, he's always joking around.

'This one time he ate this lady's hat and she was really angry

'until she turned around and saw his lovely face.'

That was Mrs Boyd from the bakery.

She started crying, called him a horse goblin and then ran away.

Well, you know what they say, love is blind.

'He's worth millions to me. Ever since I found him

'wandering around in that field, we've been inseparable.

'I can't imagine anybody finding a better horse than my Wills!'

'And with that, it's back to the studio.'

See! I told you it would work.

Although it is a bit weird they didn't use

more of the stories I told them.

-I mean, I went on for hours.

-Yeah, weird.

But everyone can see how much he means to you

and that's the most important thing.

-Well done, Kait.

-And well done, Prince William.

-Yeah. Him too.

-ALL: Happy birthday!

-Right! Cos it's my birthday!

I totally know about that. Oh, this is for you.

Someone from the village said they want to take

Prince William out for a ride.

Finally! Prince William getting the recognition he deserves!

Does anyone else think we're going to have

a lot of trampled villagers on our hands?

Where are you all going? I recorded it!

So we can watch it over and over again.

Yay(!)

And this is the part where the journalist says my name!

-'..best horse in Ireland. Kaitlin, tell us a bit about it.'

-We know!

-You've showed it to us 50 times already!

-Please stop. I beg of you.

BANG ON DOOR Ooh, I'll get it.

It'll probably be some fans to see the best horse in Ireland!

'He's kind and loving and he's always joking around.'

-You're Kaitlin, aren't ya?

-I sure am.

-Fantastic, I couldn't believe it when I saw you on the news!

-I know.

Pretty impressive, huh?

After Freddie ran off, I didn't think I'd ever see him again.

I looked everywhere and just when I'd given up, there he was!

-Wait. Freddie?

-Freddie. My horse.

The horse you've been calling Prince William.

I'd really like him back, please.

I should be clear that I don't usually spend my time chillaxing.

-It's just it is my birthday.

-Happy birthday.

-Thanks.

Everyone's making a pretty big deal of it.

-Lucky you. Your friends must really like you.

-Yeah, they do right now.

I just hope they don't find out anything

that may change their opinion of me.

Oh, when they find out what I've done, they're going to fling me out.

Waaaaaa!

Something tells me you're not been entirely honest about something.

It's not really my birthday.

-SIGHS:

-That felt good to say!

I don't believe this.

He's sat there, in the library, wanting his horse back.

-What am I going to do?

-Don't worry, Kait, we've got this one.

Our mission, should we choose to accept it -

and you all will accept it -

is to find a way to keep Prince William at Bogmoor.

What if we don't WANT to do it?

OK. Question withdrawn.

There's no way this joker is Prince William's real owner,

we just need to prove it!

Actually, I didn't exactly pay money for Wills. I sort of just found him?

-You found him?

-And you actually kept him?!

So for all we know Prince William could be his horse?

It was two years ago! I tried to find the owner, I swear.

I put up posters, nobody ever phoned!

I thought nobody wanted him except me.

Like, maybe he was meant to be my horse.

-Do you think that maybe this could be a good thing?

-How?

Well, think about it. Give Wills to the owner

and get a new horse that jumps fences and doesn't bite people.

I don't want another horse. I want Prince William.

OK, well, that settles it. We fight. We'll do whatever we have to do.

The pressure of keeping up the con was killing me!

-HE LAUGHS

-Classic mistake.

You gotta leave your guilt at home, buddy.

-Do you want to know the best way to get away with a con?

-Umm... OK.

I hear you gotta pick the target. Come up with a plan.

Then really, really go for it.

You seem to know an awful lot about conning people.

What? No! Con people? Make a fast, easy buck? Me? Never.

-Whose friend did you say you were?

-I didn't.

Come on, people, we need ideas.

Nothing can be too crazy or too stupid.

We could hide Prince William so the real owner can't find him.

I could hypnotise the real owner into thinking he's a toad.

OK, so you can come up with a few ideas

that are too crazy and too stupid.

I was thinking more along the lines of

getting the police involved or going to court.

No problem. If it comes to it, I can trick the police

and the judge into thinking they're toads too.

-The police? Court? No. No way.

-This is serious, Kait.

If Prince William really does belong to that bloke,

we might have to give him back.

And I really appreciate all this, but what if the reason

Prince William's so badly behaved is because he's missing his real home?

-Maybe he's been unhappy at Bogmoor all this time.

-Come on!

Prince William loves you, anyone can see that!

OK, no-one can see that. But that's not a reason to give up!

And I'm not, but I love Prince William

and I just want him to be happy.

I only want to keep him if he wants to stay.

Is it OK if we go and see Freddie now?

I've missed him so much, the thought of spending any longer apart...

Kait's willing to give you your horse back.

-No police, no court, you can just take him today.

-Really?

On one condition.

That you can prove to me that Prince William loves you and he wants to go.

He's a horse! All he knows is walk, eat and jump.

More like stop, throw and spit.

If you can show me that Prince William loves you, you win.

-But if not...

-We fight. Whatever it takes.

Seems like it's up to Prince William then. Lead the way...

-So we just see who he goes to?

-Yep.

What if he bolts away from you both and makes a run for the sea?

It's happened before.

Contestants, take your places.

Let me see!

Wait a second. I don't care who keeps the horse!

-Ready?

-Ready.

-Ready.

-Come on, Prince William!

-Come on, horsie!

Come to Daddy.

Go to Kaitlin, you daft horse!

I'm winning.

Come on, horsie, come to Daddy.

You can do it.

Come on, Prince William, come on.

-Good boy!

-No!

'You've got to pick the target. Come up with a plan

'then really, really go for it.'

This is all a big con!

This is it, old friend.

We've had some good times, haven't we?

Like that time you threw me off into the bog.

And that other time you threw me off into the bog.

And what about that time in the bog where you threw me off?

I'll miss you, Prince William.

HORSE WHINNIES

You, mate, are going to make my fortune.

We're going to enter you in every race we can, you'll win them all.

We'll hire you out for kiddies' parties,

get paid a mint, get a load of free cake.

Come on, you daft horse.

I'm so sorry, Kait.

Wait! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Prince William!

You haven't let him go, have you?

Jimmy, you're too late. Wills really did belong to that man.

No, he didn't. You don't understand! Wayne's a crook!

What are you talking about?

And you are basing this on what exactly?

He practically admitted it to me.

The guy's a con man, I'm telling you!

I know what you're trying to do, Jimmy.

But Wills obviously loved Wayne. They were meant to be together.

-HORSE NEIGHS

-Save me!

That horse is nuts. You, you said he was the best horse in Ireland!

But he is a monster! All that stuff in the interview was guff!

Nope. She actually believes all that.

I thought I could make a mint from him.

-Saw you saying you'd found him and took a chance.

-You are a crook?!

-And a cheat!

-Uh-oh, it sounds like Wills is coming back for more.

Yes! I'm sorry! Now please help me! I'll do anything!

-HOOVES APPROACHING

-Getting closer.

One thing you should know about Wills,

when he takes a liking to someone...

And by liking she means absolute hatred.

..he just wants to be with them all the time.

HORSE WHINNIES

-Wills!

-No! Get him away from me!

Jimmy, please show Wayne off the castle grounds.

My pleasure, cuz.

Or perhaps Prince William would like that pleasure.

HE SCREAMS

I can't believe you didn't tell me

there was a real-life criminal in the castle!

Do you know how hard they are to scare?!

That would have been a challenge, even for me.

-So Prince William stays exactly where he belongs!

-Hang on a minute.

You didn't tell us how you managed to find out what Wayne was up to.

Well, I had a feeling that he was, you know, dodgy.

You told us he practically admitted it.

-Did I?

-Yeah. I mean, he must have been pretty stupid

-just to come out with it.

-That's true.

-Now you mention it...

-Is it hot in here all of a sudden?

-Jimmy, what's going on?

-Well, um...

-Oh, for goodness sake!

It isn't really Jimmy's birthday.

He lied to get out of cleaning the castle.

I'm guessing Wayne only told you his secret

because he thought you were a con man like him?

I can't believe you, Jimmy! You made us all look like fools.

And just to get out of a bit of cleaning!

To think we nearly baked you a cake.

If you think about it,

I sort of made up for it by helping to save Prince William.

-Didn't I?

-You've really let us down.

-I know, I want to make it up to you. Anything.

-Anything?

Anything at all. As long as you guys forgive me. Please.

If it makes you feel any better, I don't really care what you did.

You know what, for once, that does make me feel better.

-Thank you, Esme.

-You made us look like a fool.

So we're going to make you look like a fool.

Prepare for some payback.

-Is this really necessary?

-ALL:

-Yes!

I want this castle sparkling by the time you're finished.

No corner cutting!

Pay particular attention to the custard in the cutlery drawer.

And the gunk in the plughole.

And the unidentified mould in the fridge.

Look, just before I do this,

I want to say I'm sorry I made you all run after me,

but it was the best birthday I've ever had mainly

because I got to spend it with all of you, real or not.

Must be some dust in my eye.

And on that note, good luck!

What, you mean you're still going to make me clean it?!

I think you're going to need this.

Living people really do do the funniest things!

Oh, I hate dusting.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd