Hey Mr DJ Dani's Castle

The sun is shining and we're

listening to our very own

radio station. Life is...

Swagalicious!

Exactamondo!

To Bogmoor FM, the coolest,

most cutting edge radio station

on the planet.

-OVER RADIO:

-Esme? What does this button do?

There appears to be no Post-it for it.

You don't know what you're doing.

Oh, really?

Please stop interrupting me when I do the Ghost phone-in.

But I give way better advice than you.

I think not!

Anyway, we're not even on air yet.

But the light says "on air".

Bother!

Cool and cutting edge, are we?

The whole of Bogmoor must have heard that.

Rich, the people don't listen to us.

On Twitter, they called us Bog Awful FM.

Yeah, but it would be great if we worked at it.

If we could, um...

Ooh, I know exactly what we need to do.

Bogmoor FM can be a hit, but there's one problem.

Gabe's harpsichord hour.

My show has a very loyal following.

You've got two fans.

And both of them never miss a show.

But two fans ain't enough, Gabe,

we need something fresh for the night show.

I'll give it my fullest consideration, Master Richard.

Back to the bigger problem, which is, we're all rubbish at DJ-ing.

-We are?

-We are?

So, here's what I propose.

Boot camp?

I did not realise that footwear was so important to being a DJ.

No, boot camp's like army training.

And you'll become the best DJ you can possibly be.

Well, who's going to train us?

HELICOPTER THRUMS

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

HELICOPTER LEAVES

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

At ease, cadets.

Why, Jimmy?

Because I've worked at Crackerbox Radio,

Fab Dab and Too Kool For Skool FM.

-You have?

-Yeah, I've delivered sandwiches there.

SHE GROANS

Anybody else better qualified? No? Good.

Lift, two, three, four.

Hold, two, three, four.

You're the worst set of potential DJs I have ever seen.

How about we replace harpsichord hour with the bagpipe show?

Keep it up!

No, I don't think so, Gabe.

A ten-part series on the history of dust.

We need to find something a bit more exciting.

I know, what about a fitness show for ghosts?

We do not have bodies, Master Richard.

All right, well, don't new ghosts get training?

-No!

-Lift!

And there are so many things to learn.

What about Ghost Apprentice?

You cannot be fired from being a ghost. The job is for ever.

All right, well, just try and think about what you're good at.

Can we stop now?

Not long now. Only 80 more to go!

80?

79.

78.

-78

-Yep!

What's the sequence?

Jingle, Chat, Track, Jingle, Chat, Track.

What's in the background while you chat?

-The Wall.

-I mean, what can be heard in the background?

Oh, yes, I know this one. It's...

-The end of the last track or the start of the next one.

-Correct.

What's the worst thing that can happen on a radio show?

-Silence.

-Correct. Silence is the enemy. What is silence?

-ALL:

-The enemy!

Listen up, people. Get in line!

Rich, you're doing the chart show.

Yes!

-Dylan, news and weather.

-OK.

-Esme, sport.

-No way.

Gabe...good workout!

50 star jumps, now.

Um, what's my job?

50, starting now!

HE BLOWS WHISTLE

Let's go! Let's go!

C'mon.

DJ Kait, report for duty and ready to rock'n'roll, sir.

Awesome.

OK, so, everybody else has a show, which one am I doing?

Kait, the thing is...

Because you're so bossy,

Because you're such a good organiser,

we would like to make you station manager.

-Station manager. Really?

-It's an important job, I mean,

you'll be in charge of the spending,

-and come up with schedules for the show.

-I love doing timetables.

I'm going to go and start it now. Hee, hee, hee!

She's weird.

I thought perhaps I could be station manager.

Sorry, Gabe. Look, organising really is Kait's thing.

There's got to be something you're good at.

Very well, then, I'll do the sport.

Wait, no, I'm doing that.

-You said you didn't want to do it.

-Well, I do now.

OK, I'll continue doing the phone-in.

But you're rubbish at it.

Look, Gabe, mate, you've been around 250 years,

there's got to be something you're good at.

You're right.

There is something I excel at...

..being a ghost.

I know more about ghosting than Master Jimmy knows about DJ-ing.

I will set up my own boot camp

and teach the newly-departed how to ghost.

You sure you don't want to be part of the radio station?

I have never been more sure of anything in my entire death.

That's it! Doing something we're good at will make us unique.

Look, we all love music, yeah? So if we get some bands in to

perform live in the studio, stuff that hasn't been recorded yet...

And we can get them to do live webcasts, too.

We need someone young, fresh and local. But who?

Leave it with Jay Lo.

You know, Jimmy should have me singing on his show.

When you sing, it's like someone's put your tail in the toaster.

You're just jealous because I was in the mouse choir and you weren't.

You had to sing in another room.

Yeah, but that's just cos my voice is

so powerful it would drown out the other singers.

If I had an audition tape.

I'll make you an audition tape. The best audition tape ever.

What? The best audition tape ever ever, ever, ever, ever...

Skip to the end.

..ever, ever made?

So, these are the days and these are the hours and every slot has

a name in it, so we never confused about who's doing what show.

Do you know what? That's really good, Kait.

It's kind of my thing.

# We'll never be the sa-a-ame

-So have you booked a live artist yet or what?

-Yes.

-Who is it?

-I'm just waiting for his agent to confirm.

-Is that my phone ringing?

-I don't hear anything.

Press...send.

COMPUTER BEEPS

I just booked out first live artist and he will be here tomorrow.

Conall Connell, AKA The Con Man.

Never heard of him.

That's because he's brand new and we'll get a world exclusive on him.

This rapper is so hot and so fresh,

he makes Dizzee Rascal sound like your granny.

-RADIO:

-# Take good care of your mother... #

What's this?

Soulful, that's what it is.

Jimmy, have you booked a country singer?

No way, it must be the wrong CD.

-Well, his name is on it.

-We're not a country music station, Jimmy.

If you don't like him, can't you just cancel him?

I already signed the contract.

Clause four, paragraph two - we're stuck with him. Sorry.

At least he can sing.

So he's a country singer. It doesn't matter.

What matters is that Bogmoor FM promotes live local talent.

That'll make us unique.

That'll make us... Picture it, Jimmy, picture it...

Bogtastic FM!

'So who's this Conall Connor?

I hear he's coming to play in the studio tomorrow.'

-He's a country singer.

-'Never mind that. What does he look like?'

Just checking his website.

Oh, Dani,

he's gorgeous,

he's like all five of One Direction rolled into one.

Ah, sounds messy, but I'll take your word for it.

-Oh!

-What? Kait, what is it? Mouse, rat?

-What?

-A horse!

-What, in the room?

No, on his website. Connell's got a horse!

SHE LAUGHS

Imagine our first live musician in the studio.

Apart from Gabe on his harpsichord.

But he's not really a live musician, is he?

See, we couldn't have done this without Kait.

Isn't she just great at organising?

Yeah. Kait's great.

I mean, isn't she? I mean, that timetable she done was wicked.

And she's got cute freckles.

Did you just say she's got cute freckles?

Erm, no!

You are asleep...

..and dreaming.

I am? OK.

DOORBELL RINGS

It doesn't matter that we don't like country music, just make him

feel good and he'll give a great performance.

-We're excited to have him here, OK?

-OK!

-Tone it down.

-OK.

Better.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Hold on!

-Can I help you?

-I'm here to enrol in the Ghost School.

The what?

You must be Agnes? A thousand welcomes, my lady.

Gabe, mate? What is going on?

My lessons for a new ghost begin today, and Agnes is my first pupil.

Yeah, but the musician's coming in to record today.

Do not fret, Master Richard. He will never know we are here.

My lady.

This is Bogmoor Castle, isn't it?

Gabe! Another student for your ghoul school.

Erm...

It's Conall Connor!

Well...I mean, I recognised you from your website

and you look exactly the same, I am very happy to say.

Hi, I'm Rich.

I'm Jimmy.

And this is our studio manager, Kait.

Well, hello, Katy Kate Kait.

SHE GIGGLES

-What's she wearing?

-Well, she's dressed to impress.

I'm going to get the studio set up.

I'll leave you two to look after Conall and I'll see you in a sec.

You like horses, don't you? So do I. I've got my own stabled here

and I brought him a bridle, do you want to see?

Bridal, why are you getting married?

SHE GIGGLES Me? Getting married?!

Hee-hee.

-She all right?

-She was before you arrived.

Well, come on, Conall, I'll give you the grand tour. This way.

Dear Students. I bid you a hearty welcome to Ghost School.

I will endeavour to teach you all the skills required as new ghosts.

Nice one.

SHE TUTS

So today, I will be teaching you levitation.

Whoa! I'm totally up for that.

Dylan, you do realise that these are classes for ghosts?

Yes!

You are, in fact, not a ghost.

Not yet.

But one day I may be. And if I do a course now, I'll be ready.

Very well.

Now...let's stand and try levitation.

Er? Levi-what?

Levitation. Great!

SPOOKY MUSIC

Oh, ace!

So, think of something light.

-A feather?

-A cloud.

-My cakes.

-LAUGHS

-Have you got something to say?

-Me? No. Sorry, sweetie.

OK, So think of how light those things are...

and gently...push off the ground.

TUNES GUTAIR

Ah, that's lovely.

I'm just tuning up.

Erm, would you like another biscuit?

I know they are your favourites, it says so on your fan site.

No. Thanks.

Do you have to be with me all the time?

Yeah, it's my pleasure. I mean, it's my job.

So will you be doing the recording, too?

I wish, but I don't know anything about technology.

Really? Nothing at all?

I get confused putting a plug in a socket.

That's great!

I mean...it's not a problem.

I could teach you how everything works.

I'd love that.

Conall? Sit down.

Do you like poetry?

Ah, yeah, sure.

Because I've been writing a poem about my horse and yours...

Oh, what's your horse called.

Er, My horse...is called...

..Blue Bucket.

Aw! Blue Bucket, that's a lovely name.

Hey, why don't we write a song out of your poem?

What...really? Me and you together?

Yeah, definitely!

OK, I'll count you in. Five, four...

Wait, wait, wait, is my bow straight?

Oh, look, you're fine. You're totally rocking it.

Just stop mucking about.

OK, I'm almost ready, but do you think I need to backcomb my tail?

Oh, just sing, you stupid mouse!

Well, I'm sure Beyonce never had to put up with this sort of abuse.

Our next lesson is walking through walls.

Like so.

I'm Esme, Gabe's sister.

This is my class, you're not invited. Kindly leave.

It's a free castle and, besides,

I'm only here to see my best friend, Dylan.

Oh, please can she stay? She'll not interrupt.

I promise.

Very well. But the first interruption and you are banished.

Understand?

Now, my good pupils, on your feet.

And follow me.

Think of something vaporous, like smoke.

And allow that feeling to fill you as you walk through the door...

..and pass through it. Now, one by one, walk towards the door.

Well done, my lady!

Oh, it worked!

Yes! Ha-ha!

Oh, boring!

You can do this, I know you can.

You really think so?

-Just imagine you're smoke and pass through the door.

-OK.

I am smoke.

I am smoke... I am...

THUD

SHE LAUGHS

This way, Conall. The studio is ready.

This is a romantic song, Rich, so I thought maybe it would work

better if I sang it alone to a beautiful lady.

I'm sorry, I haven't arranged for a beautiful lady to be here.

-I was talking about Kait.

-You were?

Oh, of course you were.

Sounds like a brilliant idea.

But who's going to work the mixing desk?

No biggie, I'm sure we can manage on our own.

Absolutely, well, erm, just give me a shout if you need anything, yeah?

All I need is my beautiful assistant, Kait.

-Isn't he dreamy?

-SHE GIGGLES

Dreamy?

Well, it's still a rough copy

and I'm not really sure about some of the rhymes...

Oh, no, you'll do great, just take your time.

"There was a lovely little horse.

"Prince William was his name.

"He had a really shiny coat and a long and silky mane."

Oh, that's really great, you know, it's really...horsey.

-Do you think so?

-Hmm.

Hope I'm not interrupting anything. Have you seen my shoes?

-These?

-I must have left them somewhere else, sorry.

"He loved to gallop across the fields, he loved to run and play.

"But he was the only horse in the village

"until Blue Bucket arrived one day."

-Who?

-Blue Bucket, your horse!

Oh, yeah! Cool.

What about tea, juice, water? Do you need that?

-No.

-Crisps, biscuits muffins, snacks of any variety?

I think we're fine. Thanks.

Oh. Well, OK, if you need anything, I'm just here.

Outside the door.

"My lonely days are gone," he said.

"Now I've found another horse.

"And off they ran together and lived happily ever after, of course."

Kait, that is the most beautiful lyric I've ever heard.

Really?

I tell you what you are going to need...

-BOTH: No!

-All right.

Are you ready?

-I think so.

-Good.

COMPUTER BEEPS

So, just push the red button when I give you the thumbs up

and we'll be recording.

It's show time!

(SINGS OUT OF TUNE) # Take good care of your mother

# And all along you'll know

(HIGH-PITCHED) # She'll linger on! #

Wow, what a voice.

# No matter what you do

# She'll be proud of you

# Remember now you'll always have a home. #

-Any news from the record companies?

-Sort of.

-Sort of?

-They said no.

No? As in, "we know she's the mouse for us?"

-No as in never.

-But...I've got the voice of an angel.

The good news is I took your audition tape

and put it online. It's gone viral

I've gone viral? Yeah, do you know what? I was feeling a bit peaky.

I'm going to have a lie down.

She's so easy to wind up.

One of the most important ghost skills is de-materialising.

What's that?

It's the ability to disappear and reappear elsewhere.

I will demonstrate.

Right. Do you want to learn how to do that?

You betcha!

OK, so stand up and close your eyes.

Now, imagine the ballroom downstairs in your mind.

On the count of three, say, "I'm outta here!"

One, two, three...

ALL: I'm outta here!

I'm outta here!

-We did it!

-Yeah, whatevs.

That was most peculiar.

Oh, don't worry, Agnes, there's no need to be nervous.

You'll love being a ghost!

I'm outta here!

And that is how...

I'm outta here!

Where did they go?

And that's how simple it is!

Gabe like to complicate things all the time. I remember this...

He's behind me, isn't he?

I'm outta here!

SHE HUMS TO MUSIC

Where's lover boy?

He's in the library taking a very important phone

call from his manager.

-Is he?

-Hm-mm.

Auto tuning.

-Isn't that what singers use to make their voice sound better?

-Yeah.

-Did you download it?

-No.

Conall was in here last, do you think he used it?

Only one way to find out.

# Take good care of your mother. #

That sounds all right.

Now let's hear it with the autotuner off.

SONG IS OUT OF TUNE

Argh, turn that off!

Well, someone must've downloaded the software. But how?

He plugged something into the computer.

Hold on, so he wanted to sing to me alone

because I don't know how any of this stuff works.

I thought he liked my poem.

I thought he liked me.

-Crafty boy.

-No wonder they call him The Con Man.

Really? I thought he was called Conall Connor.

No, you're right, it's probably cos he's a conman.

Just wait till I find him.

Will I call for the ambulance now?

Jimmy, I cant wait for this!

-We know about the autotuner.

-What autotuner?

-The one you downloaded onto our computer.

-Oh, that!

That's just something I use when I sometimes hit a bum note.

Every note you hit's a bum note.

You're the worst singer in the world.

Chillax, Katie, let's discuss this after the interview.

It's Kaitlin, and there isn't going to be one!

We only work with real musicians, not cheats like you.

I signed a contract to do an interview and play my new song.

I don't care what you've signed. We don't have to play your song.

-Actually we do.

-See!

Yes, Kait, we absolutely HAVE to, and while we're at it, why don't

-we make it our first live video webcast?

-What?!

That's even better! Look, guys, I've got to get ready for the cameras

so I'll see you later. Gents.

Sorry, we were aiming for the kitchen.

Too much spectral energy confuses things.

Perfect timing. I could use an extra pair of hands round here.

-What for?

-A treasure hunt.

# Is the party over over, over, yeah?

# Is the party over over, over, yeah?

# Is the party over over, over, yeah?

# Are we getting colder, colder, yeah?

# If you wanna love me sometime I'm not gonna give my love

# If you're gonna give me nothing

# Then maybe this love is better off lost

# If you wanna love me sometime I'm not gonna give my love

# If you're gonna give me nothing

# Then maybe this love is better off lost

# So it's over Wishing the stars wont fade. #

It's a big day here at Bogmoor FM.

Not only is it our first live interview with rising star

Conall Connor, AKA The Con Man, it is our first live video webcast.

Hi, fans!

So, in a second, you'll hear the first official airplay of Conall's

new single, but first I have got to ask you, you've got a unique voice.

Oh, well, thanks very much, Rich.

When your fans hear this record, I think they'll play it

-over and over and over again.

-Oh, I do hope so.

Country fans, get your ears ready, it's Conall Connor.

(OUT OF TUNE) # Take good care of... #

Wow, what a voice(!)

Smile for the camera.

Turn it off. Turn it off now!

Conall Connor, officially the worst singer in the world.

Do you think I'm going to let you get away with this?

-Excuse me.

-Get out my way, lacy cuffs!

You will not harm Master Richard, you...you bounder.

What you going to do about it?

Argh! Mummy!

Argh!

Oh, I am so sorry! I was aiming for the library.

No need to apologise, Agnes. You are my star pupil.

'This is the J Dog bringing you all your favourite rap

'and grime from now until eight on Bogmoor FM, where we

'never play country music - not now, not ever, just never!'

Nothing about Conall was real. He was a total fake.

I bet he doesn't even have a heart.

I thought I'd finally found someone who liked all the things I do.

Look, you aren't going to find someone who likes exactly

-the same stuff as you

-Maybe.

You've got a friend who likes some of the same stuff as you.

Oh, yeah? Who?

Me. Look, I like people to be honest...

and so do you.

I like having a radio station, so do you.

BIRD COOS

I think I've just been pooed on.

So have I.

Seem we have some stuff in common.

This is not cool. Here, look, you can have my...

Don't flick it on me! This is a new dress...

Urgh!

Did I get you back?!

You are listening to the Ghost School on Bogmoor FM.

Gabe will be giving you lessons on ghostings, #theghostschool

and if you've any problems, text, call or contact us

at # Ghostproblems.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, caller.

I have a problem, Esme, I still can't walk through walls.

That's cos you're not dead yet, Dylan.

Oh, yes, sorry.

So how did it go with hunky Conall?

He was a total nightmare, but he helped make us

-the number one station in the country.

-Really? How?

We punked him live on air and put the video on YouTube.

-Almost got a million hits.

-That's brilliant!

Yeah, but the only video that got more hits this week

was the singing mouse.

DANCE MUSIC

I saw that. The mouse reminded me of someone. But I can't think who?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd