Don't Tell the Bride Dani's Castle

A pinch of salt.

One last stir...and voila!

-Lunch is served!

-CLANGING

Oh!

Ah-ha! Did someone say lunch?

-HE SHOUTS

-Oops!

Who put that there?

Sorry. I was announcing lunch, old school style.

-What's wrong with texting?

-Give me a break! At least I made lunch.

-When was the last time you did that?

-I do stuff.

-Like what?

Like coming up with brand new brilliant business ideas.

Let me stop you right there.

I don't think there's money in selling old bells, Rich.

-Old bells, no! But antique bells, maybe.

-How do you know it's antique?

I don't. But there's got to be antique stuff in the attic.

What's for lunch? ARGH! I meant that.

Wait, Rich!

Help! Please! I can't...quite...reach...lunch!

-What about this?

-What is it?

It's erm... Erm... A thingamajig.

An old...fly catcher.

No it's not, it's a bed warmer, stupid.

-Have you found...

-SHE SCREAMS

-Sorry. Have you found anything of value yet?

-No, not really.

-Well, what's that?

-This?

-Alas!

That's Great Uncle Chester and Great Aunt Vivian.

So, hold on. You...you know these dead dudes?

Everyone knew them. They were the perfect couple.

Their love was known throughout the land

for they were married for a whole 20 years!

-20 years was a long time back then.

-Amazing!

-Oh, dear!

-Bogmoor Castle is going to host a wedding.

Hundreds of weddings, in fact.

How many people have you asked to marry you? Casanova, there.

SHE LAUGHS

-SHE LAUGHS

-I forgot about that one.

Ah! The old ones are the best.

-Esme, you've got to see this. What's that?

-What's what?

Whatever you're hiding behind your back.

I'm not hiding anything behind my back.

Usually I would fall for that.

If it wasn't for the fact that, you know, you're a ghost.

SHE GROANS

-My old Practical Jokes For Ghosts book.

-Oh, cool!

-What's this all about?

-Don't ask us.

Master Richard has summoned us all. Intriguing.

He must have something of great importance to announce.

As long as he stops going on about Bogmoor doing weddings.

It's official! Bogmoor is available for weddings!

It's like he was waiting for me to say that.

-How does one make that official?

-You put them on the internet, Gabe.

That's how you make everything official.

-You put Bogmoor online as a wedding venue?

-Yep!

What? For, like, actual people to actually hire out?

Designed the website myself -

"Bogmoor. A fairy tale castle for fairy tale weddings."

-See? I even came up with that line myself.

-Unbelievable!

-I know, genius.

-No, not you, Alan Sugar.

The idea that we could host someone's wedding is ridiculous.

All we need is a few flowers, a few bows, two people to say "I do".

There's more to it than that!

That's why we're going to stage our own wedding tomorrow, at Bogmoor.

Look, it's simple. A few photos, a video put up online -

show people that Bogmoor could be great for their wedding.

Well, pretend wedding.

Who, might I ask, is uniting in fake matrimony?

I'll have to let you know tomorrow cos there's a few things

still not quite in place.

-But you've all got a role to play.

-I hope I'm not the bride.

Diego, Diego, Diego! Wake up! Wake up!

Guess what the humans are planning?

I'll tell you what they're planning - something really exciting!

-It's called a wedding.

-Wedding?

What is it?

I don't know but I think it's something to do with water.

-I heard they've got cake, though. Mmm, cake.

-We should go.

-Well, we're not invited.

-Roxy, we're mice.

And when there's cake, we're always invited.

Come on.

That was Bruno Mars, Marry You.

Just a little snippet of what's here to come at Bogmoor Castle

but right now I'm going to leave you with this.

MUSIC

Booking! Somebody actually wants to book the castle for their wedding!

Yeah! HE SINGS

You look like you've got a wasp trapped in your trousers.

I'll have you know that I'm an excellent dancer.

Yeah, right(!) I wanted to talk to you about this wedding madness.

It's not madness, Kait.

It's going to put Bogmoor on the map and make us rich in the process.

OK, but what's the big rush? I mean, weddings take months of planning.

All I'm saying is, can't we just slow it down a bit?

-You know, do things properly.

-Do I do things any other way?

Look. I'm just getting a head start on the PR.

The golden rule of business is great advertising.

I thought you said it was "stick to what you know".

-Yeah, that's another golden rule.

-OK, look.

If I help you with the fake wedding, will you promise me one thing?

-What's that?

-Don't take any bookings until we're ready.

-Yeah, but if we...

-No. I mean properly ready, Rich.

Otherwise I'm not helping with the photoshoot or the video.

Fine.

Yeah!

-Thanks, Rich.

-For what?

For compromising. I like it when we get along.

Me too.

She didn't say anything about them viewing it though, did she?

Rich, do you think there are gecko ghosts?

And bearded dragon ghosts? Rich?

-Are you there?

-Yeah, totally.

Well, what's up? You've been quiet all evening.

I'm planning for tomorrow. I want everything to run smoothly.

It will. And even if it doesn't, you can always have another go.

That's the thing - I've invited a couple to come

and view the castle while the wedding's in full flow.

Why on earth did you do that?

Cos they might want to book us for their wedding.

-You're not ready for bookings.

-That's exactly what Kait said.

Technically it's not a booking.

It's a chance for them to come and view the place.

-And Kait knows about this?

-No. And don't tell her cos I need her help,

-otherwise it's not going to work.

-I'm not sure about this.

Chill out, little man.

-Have I ever messed up things before?

-Well...

-Actually, don't answer that.

Look, everything's going to be fine. Trust me.

-What about Kait?

-What about Kait?

Once the wedding's in full flow she ain't going to care who I've invited.

Girls love weddings. Fact.

Just makes them a bit crazy, that's all.

Couldn't pay me to get married. It's too weird.

Unless I got married to Trafford.

I'd definitely get married to Trafford.

-That wouldn't be so weird.

-Yes, it would.

I bet I am going to be best man.

No way, kid. I'm best man. It's a cert.

-What on earth is "best man"?

-All right, all right.

Now firstly, thank you for turning up.

I know the photo shoot is a big ask but, hey, if we work as a team...

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Blah, blah, blah.

Just get to the point. What are our parts?

Yeah, what the ghost said.

Right. The line up for the Bogmoor photo shoot is...

-Drum roll.

-Dylan, I want you to be page boy.

-What?

-LAUGHS

In your face!

Rich, that's a job for five-year-olds!

Esme, I want you to be bridesmaid.

-HE LAUGHS

-What are you laughing at?

-I don't know.

-Gabe.

-Master Richard.

-Now, I want you to be the best man.

What? No!

I will strive to be the bestest of the best of men, Master Richard.

-Excellent. Jimmy.

-What?

I want you to be the creative director.

Keep talking.

Basically, you're in charge of everything stylish.

I'm talking decorations, the cake, the photographs,

-especially the video.

-I do have a keen eye for detail.

Good. Use it.

Now Kait, lovely, lovely, lovely Kait.

-Oh, please don't say it.

-Our beautiful blushing bride.

Nope. Not happening. Not a chance. Not in a million years.

-Not even if I was marrying Prince William.

-Huh?

-The real Prince William.

-So, who's Kait marrying?

-Yeah, whose going to be the groom?

-Me, obviously!

You've got to be kidding me?

I'll have you know I look great in a suit.

Nope, not a chance. Not happening.

Listen, I don't do weddings

and I definitely don't do wedding dresses, all right?

Look Kait, wait.

Look, what about compromising?

The other day you asked me to do you a favour, yeah?

And today I'm asking you to do the same.

OK? We can't do it without you.

-Fine!

-Yes!

Ha-ha!

Today's the day that we get hitched.

Come on, my lovely bride. No?

Fine, that didn't work.

I'm going to kill Rich. I look ridiculous.

-Yep.

-Why don't you have to wear anything stupid?

Beauty of being a ghost, I suppose. One outfit for all occasions.

If you had to give away one -

I mean, absolutely have to give away - which would you give away?

-Drum or Bass?

-You cant say that. Drum and Bass are a pair.

They come as a package. They'd be totally lost without each other.

-I was going to ask if I could keep one.

-What?

-The one you didn't want, obviously.

-I want both of them!

I mean, they need each other.

You can't stand in the way of gecko love, Esme.

There you are! I've been looking for you everywhere!

Did you know as part of my duties as Master Rich's best man,

-I am to give a speech?

-Of course! Everyone knows that.

I cannot give a speech in front of people!

Nerves will get the better of me. I'm going to be a laughing stock.

-Don't worry. We'll help you.

-We will?

-You get started and we'll be there to help.

-Thank you, sister.

-No sweat, brother.

-How are we going to help?

-We're not.

We're just going to have some fun with him.

Jimmy, is that you?

-IN FRENCH ACCENT:

-Jimmy is not here.

Jimmy The Genius is, however, and he is in the creative zone!

Come again?

As creative director I'll be making the masterpiece for the wedding!

-The cake!

-Try and keep it simple, yeah?

Jimmy the Genius does not do simple.

Where on earth did Rich get a wedding dress at such short notice?

-Me! I found it packed up in the attic.

-Wow! Classy(!)

Excuse me, but as bridesmaid,

aren't you supposed to be helping me with stuff like this?

-It's easier to put it over your head.

-Could've told me that earlier?

Who in their right mind would volunteer to wear one of these?

-Lots of girls.

-Lots of girls are crazy.

I am never...ever...wearing one of these again.

SHE GROANS

Well, that's attractive(!)

I'm supposed to be friendly but funny.

And I must remember to thank everyone.

I am going to let Master Richard down, aren't I?

Gabe, you'll be fine.

As long as you remember the key best man traditions.

-Which are?

-Well...

The first one is to always remember to greet the bride by insulting her.

-Insulting her?

-It's a very old but very important tradition.

I can't insult the bride.

You have to if you want to be a good best man.

I do not recall seeing it in my book on marriage traditions.

Because it's common sense - everyone knows it's the best man's duty

to insult the bride on their wedding day.

Gabe! How's the best man's speech?

I haven't even started it yet.

But Dylan has just informed me about insulting the bride.

Insulting the bride? I mean...yeah!

Insulting the bride! Did you not know about that?

-And you did?

-Of course I did.

It's nearly as important as the best man's salute.

The best man's salute? What on earth is that?

You don't need to panic, Gabe. You're lucky we're here to help.

Beautiful!

Yeah, baby!

Done it!

-What the...

-I know. It looks wedalicious, right?

It's not very fairy tale is it, Jimmy?

You try working magic with the budget you gave me!

-I didn't give you a budget!

-Exactly.

Right, well we'll just have to deal with it.

Listen. Where is everybody? We're running half hour late.

-Do not fear, the best man is here.

-CLICKS FINGERS

Right, Gabe, get everybody ready, right?

HE SHOUTS Gabe, what you playing at?

Just giving you the traditional best man salute.

When you've finished, can you get everyone to stand-by.

-And where's Kait?

-Outside.

-What's she doing out there?

It's bad luck for the bride and groom to see each other

-before the ceremony.

-We're not actually getting married!

Oh, come on! We ain't got all day!

Hey! Has anyone seen Trafford? I had him a minute ago.

Dylan, not now. We need to get the photos done.

-Kait?

-Yeah?

-Come on!

-What, no music?

-What do you need music for? We're taking photos.

I'm not coming into silence. I already feel stupid.

Fine. You want music, you get music. Ready?

THEY SING THE WEDDING MARCH

ORGAN MUSIC

Yeah, baby! You're a princess. Think regal, think royal.

-CRASHING

-Think upright.

-Kait, are you all right?

-Do I look all right?

I think you look like a giant toilet roll, Miss Kait.

-What?

-Have you lost your mind?

-Jimmy!

Get my face out of that camera or you'll be wearing

-this wedding dress in a minute!

-Come on, Esme, I've got to find Trafford.

Oh, come on. Let's just get the photos done.

Preferably ones that don't involve walking.

-Sure you're all right?

-Yep!

I'm fine. Can we just get this over and done with?

No! No! No!

It just doesn't look like you're in love.

-Because we aren't!

-Can't you just make it look like we are?

-Believe me, there's stuff even Jimmy the Genius can't do.

-We'll try.

OK. Right, Rich. Imagine you've just won Young Businessman Of The Year.

-How do you feel?

-Amazing!

Kait. Imagine you and Prince William

have just won Olympic gold in show-jumping.

I really think we could, you know!

Got it! You actually look like you like each other.

-Any chance of a kiss?

-No way!

Come on, we're on a roll!

You know, it would look good for the website. Romantic and all.

All right but, erm, make it quick.

HE SIGHS

MUSIC

HE SCREAMS Get off!

-It was your idea.

-What?

-I'm not that repulsive, you know.

-Don't move! Trafford!

Trafford? DYLAN!

I think we should move onto the speeches ASAP.

-Where is Gabe?

-Erm...erm... I need some help. Rich! Jimmy!

And that reminds me of an old saying someone once told me.

"Marriage between humans is like marriage between pigs -

"you grow old and fat together

"and then after a while you realise how bad the other one smells."

-Nice touch!

-Thanks. I was proud of that one.

So please, stand and raise a glass.

To the bride and groom.

May you both continue to drive each other up the wall

-until you grow old and die.

-BOTH: To the bride and groom.

Are you sure that's the right tone for my speech?

Trust me, it's going to bring the house down.

Look, it's not that I didn't want to kiss you...

-But it's not that I did.

-Oh, you're making it worse.

-Look, where is everybody? Cos we're behind schedule.

-Calm down!

If we don't get all the photos today, we can get them another time.

-No, no. It needs to be done today.

-Why?

What's gotten into you? I've never seen you so stressed.

Nothing. I just want Bogmoor Weddings to work, that's all.

Well, maybe we're not ready.

-HE SIGHS

-Hey, relax!

-It's not like we're taking any bookings?

-No. No bookings.

Oh, Dani. I've butterflies in my stomach over the best man's speech.

-Aw, Gabe.

-Pray, tell me, what's your secret to overcoming nerves?

Well, they say the best way

is to picture the audience in their underwear.

-Their undergarments?

-Yeah.

-SHE LAUGHS

But every time I try that one,

I get the giggles and forget my lines.

Oh, no! What if I forget my lines?

I'm already having difficulty remembering

what Esme and Dylan have told me.

Oh, Dani.

I wish you were here to keep me calm.

Look, Gabe, If all else fails just speak from the heart.

That way you can never go wrong.

-Thank you, Dani. I've got to go.

-Break a leg.

-And action!

-What action?

It means we're rolling. We're filming.

I had prepared a speech for today...

..but I've decided to speak from the heart instead.

They say marriage is a celebration of love.

Now, I've never been married...

..but I am in love...

..with the most amazing lady I have ever met in my 247 years.

And you might just think I'm a gushing ninny-noggins...

Ninny-noggins?

..cos that what love does to a gentleman

and makes him want to...

..cry...

..when he sees a little puppy playing.

Shout from the mountain tops.

It makes me want to...

..skip through a golden meadow...

..giggling like a young school girl.

So. There it is.

I confess my love here today

and I hope that one day...

..I'll be lucky enough to prove my love...

..through the beautiful institution of marriage.

So please, stand...

..and raise a glass...

..to the bride and groom.

ALL: To the bride and groom!

Gabe? That was the best best man's speech ever.

You really think so?

Yeah, man.

Give it up for Gabe.

But I ignored everything you told me.

Your speech was better.

Wow.

That was lovely.

I mean, er...

Erm... I mean it'll, you know, look great on the website, wont it?

-Cut the cake!

-Cut the cake!

-Please!

Wait, why is the cake shaped like a giant sandwich?

Because the two pieces of bread represent the bride and the groom,

-and the filling is the love that holds them together.

-Awww!

It's a wrap!

Nice one Jimmy.

Hit some music. Just had an idea.

ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

I'm not so sure about this.

I am.

They actually look good together.

Yeah, whatevs. Selfie!

Wow, you can actually dance?

Told you I could.

Oh, no!

Slushy teenage stuff happening on the dance floor right now.

Do something.

Like what?

Just follow me.

Oh, yeah!

SONG: "Get Up (Rattle)" by Bingo Players

This is my cue for the Best Man Shuffle.

Here we go.

# Then say what's up Then slide out with your lady

# No ifs or buts about it

# My style is technotronic

# Got grips and models... #

Darn, this is my tune!

Watch this!

Oh, yeah!

Yeah!

-Here we go!

-Go, Jimmy!

Maybe we're ready for a real wedding at Bogmoor after all.

-Really?

-Maybe the couple that Rich is meeting today will book us.

What couple?

Oops!

Don't overreact, but I've invited a couple to come view the castle.

-Overreact?

-After you promised me you wouldn't take any bookings?

Well, technically it's not really a booking,

it's just erm... It's more of a viewing.

MUSIC BLARES

This was just an opportunity we just couldn't miss.

Look, they wanted to pay big bucks for the castle if they like it.

And if we keep cool, act professional...

we might just get away with it.

Professional? I'll give you professional.

Kait, what are you doing?

This is not the way to act on your wedding day.

It's not my wedding day!

SHE SCREAMS

Oh!

SHE SCREAMS

Trafford!

There you are, boy.

Sorry.

SHE SCREAMS

Guess they won't be getting married here, then!

He lied to me, Dani.

Just when I thought we were finally starting to get along.

You know what Rich is like when he gets a business idea in his head.

-I'm sure he's sorry, though.

-Yeah, right.

The only thing Rich is sorry about is missing out on that booking.

I'm sure that's not true.

Just give him a second chance...

What? No way, why would I?

Because he's your friend and that's what friends do.

-Or is he your husband now?

-Er, we are definitely not married.

-Well, you're certainly arguing like an old married couple.

-Oi!

Kait, I'm really sorry, I've got to go and get into costume.

I'll catch you later, OK?

Whoo!

Wow, what a wedding! There was way less water than I expected,

but it was still pretty fun, weren't it?

Well, I'm exhausted. Human parties are not for me.

What? You can't go to bed, you old grump!

We've got to keep the party going.

And party, and party!

When will this nightmare end?!

SHE TURNS THE MUSIC VOLUME UP

I've got Jimmy sorting out the kitchen.

Look.

Kait, I'm sorry I lied to you.

And I'm sorry for putting everybody on the spot like that.

But I meant what I said yesterday.

I do like it when we get along.

So no more weddings at Bogmoor, real or fake?

No. No more weddings at Bogmoor.

I'm sorry.

You know, I never did like weddings.

They do something to people's brains, makes them act crazy. Fact.

You know you surprise me, Kait, I thought girls loved weddings.

Ah, well, that's your problem, Rich,

I'm not like all girls.

I'm starting to see that.

Do you think you'll ever get married?

Me? No, never.

Well, maybe never.

You know you could have taken that dress off ages ago, right?

I know.

I will - in a little bit.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd