Boys v Girls Dani's Castle

THUNDER RUMBLES

Found you!

-Ow!

-Ha-ha!

Boo! Found you.

But I'm a wall. You can't see me.

-Boo!

-Ah!

Ha-ha! Found you!

Dani and I were the last people to be found in hide and freak.

-And I was the freaker.

-That makes girls better than boys.

-Better at being worse.

-Name one thing that boys are better at than girls.

-Growing a beard.

-Dream on.

I actually agree.

-There are many things females are better at than males.

-Thanks, Gabe.

Housework, caring for their husbands, giggling, looking pretty.

Want to see how pretty my fist is up close?

Mate, I'm all for a bit of friendly competition

but you can't go around saying stuff like that.

-Yeah, times have changed, brother.

-Exactly.

When you were alive people still thought the earth was flat.

The earth isn't flat?!

-Let's just settle this, yeah? Mano e mano.

-Mano e womano.

I think I may have just the solution.

Later, losers!

This is the winner's trophy from the Bogmoor Battle of the Sexes.

Whoa! Imagine how much ice cream sundae you could fit in this thing.

Forget the sundae, you could get the whole week in there.

What is Bogmoor Battle of the Sexes?

A yearly competition of brains and skill between the men

and women of the village.

In the final ever battle, my father bravely led the men to victory.

-What made them stop holding it?

-Probably cos it's so heavy!

Ow! I meant that.

We should have our own competition. What do you reckon?

But be warned, the final battle split the village.

It was years before the men

and women of Bogmoor spoke to one another again.

Yeah, but that's not going to happen to us.

-This will be a friendly competition, right?

-Right.

Cos you know we're going to wipe the floor with you, don't you?

All right, if that's how you want it.

-Whoever loses has to treat the winners like royalty all week.

-Yeah?

Deal.

HE LAUGHS Fine.

Me and Esme versus you, Jimmy and Gabe.

Alas, the rules state that the teams must be balanced.

It's too bad Dani's not here.

One of the boys are going to have to go on the girls team then.

I know just the guy.

Your turn, Trafford.

Ah, Dylan. How would you...like to be a winner?

We need another team member for boys versus girls.

No, I lose everything, Kait.

Even Trafford's beating me at a game of chess.

Well, me and Esme think you make a great girl

and we're definitely going to win.

No, seriously, Kait, I lose everything.

Chess, hide and seek...

..my favourite scarf.

I miss you, Scarfie.

What if I could change that?

We need you on our team.

I hate to break this to you, Kait,

but the last time I checked, I was a boy.

Unless...

I knew it.

Some bearded dragons can swap from boys to girls

just before they're born.

That's what must have happened to me but a bit later.

No, Dylan. You've not turned into a girl.

But we need the teams to be balanced and you were my first choice.

Will I have to wear a dress?

-Do you want to?

-Nah, I'll stick to trousers.

More pockets for stuff like this.

-Ooh, mints.

-Er, that's a gecko egg. I'm incubating them.

You in?

You actually going to put me against my own brother?

That's just the type of low blow we expect from a girl.

I'm sorry but Kate asked me first.

-Usually I get picked last for everything.

-Listen, come here.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Cos we're going to do whatever it takes to win.

But the girls have pompoms, Rich. Pompoms.

-Which just gives them a little bit of an edge.

-Come on, Dylan.

One, two, three, four, five, boys will fail, girls will thrive!

THEY CHEER

ALL: Huh!

-Bring it on.

-Yes, what he said. Bring it on.

-Come on, the boys.

Let's do it.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, mums and dads,

stepmum and stepdads, grannies and granddads, stepgrannies...

Anyway, you get the idea.

Live from Hollywood, I am proud to declare

the Bogmoor Hungry Games open.

BOYS: Huh!

Good luck, everyone and may the odds be ever in your favour.

Especially the girls.

GIRLS CHEER

-Dani!

-Sorry.

-Make-up.

-I've got to go but I will be back.

-ALL: Bye, Dani.

Round one is the logic challenge.

Team talk.

-OK.

-Dylan.

-(Dylan.)

-Look, do any of yous know how to do that?

-No.

-No?

-Not a clue.

-Look at the size of it...

Right, so, the first round needs somebody who's good at puzzles.

Ooh, me, me, me, me. I love puzzles.

This is one that only took me one week to complete.

How about we wait for a round that uses your unique, er, skills.

So, as team captain I reckon I should do the first challenge.

I'm a bit of an ace at those puzzles.

Let's just say I had a lot of time to kill before Bogmoor got internet.

On the count of one...two...three.

ALL SHOUT ENCOURAGEMENT

The suspense is killing me.

One.

-Two.

-No way!

This is too easy, Rich. Come on.

Finished.

Piece of cake. Booyah!

Booyah to yourself. Got a long way to go, yeah?

First point...

..to the girls.

Two, four, six, eight, boys are stupid, girls are great!

I'm bored, Diego. Ooh, let's have a competition.

What sort of competition?

Well, we could have a competition to see who's the least boring

out of the two of us.

Oh, wait. You collect stamps. I win.

Go, Roxy. Go, Roxy. Go, Roxy.

DANCE MUSIC

Win! Win! Win! Win!

-Dylan.

-I've got a system for fast running.

-And that is?

Well, I pretend I'm being chased by dinosaurs.

-The more dinosaurs I imagine, the faster I want to run.

-OK.

I've been in the castle for over 200 years.

I know the shortcuts better than anyone.

-Esme's doing the assault course.

-What?!

-Sorry, Dylan.

We'll find something you can do sooner or later, OK?

Listen, the first one to get to the attic

and ring the bell is the winner.

-Understood?

-No teleporting.

-Why would I do that?

Lions...

-..ready?

-Lions?

BOYS GROWL

Ready. On their marks, get set, go!

Can't catch up, Esme.

I'm stuck, I'm stuck!

I'm stuck!

Yeah!

No fair.

-Hey!

-I said I wouldn't teleport.

Didn't say anything about walking through doors.

-Not fair.

-I lo-o-ove being a ghost.

Technically there is nothing in the rule book stating that ghost

powers can NOT be used.

-Gabe, whose side are you on?

-The rules are the rules.

Right, pass the book.

From now on...

..can't use ghost powers.

Three, six, seven, nine, boys are useless, girls are fine!

THEY CHEER

Next round is...archery.

Ha! Who's had archery lessons?

We're never going to beat Kait.

If we lose, they're going to be rubbing it in out faces for ever.

And when you're a ghost, for ever is literally for ever.

Well, gentlemen...

..I think it's time we talk strategy.

What's with the frowny face, Dylan?

I'm pleased that we're winning and...I like waving my pompoms.

It's just you and Esme seem to be doing all the winning for us.

Well, you're still part of the team.

-Yeah, a team is only as good as its members.

-Mm-hm.

You're not keeping me on the sidelines because I'm a boy, are you?

Why would we do that(?)

Look...

..why don't I put you in charge of...team strategy.

I mean, every team needs a plan for winning, don't they?

And in some ways, you'll be the most important person on this team.

Awesome. Feeling important is one of my top-five favourite feelings.

Along with feeling tickly, happy, inspired and itchy.

I'll start right now.

Look, this is serious now. The girls are two points ahead.

-We will NEVER beat Kait at archery.

-I know.

-She's like Robin Hood in a blouse.

-Maybe we need to cheat like Esme?

I want to win but I'm really not comfortable with all this

breaking of the rules.

Look, who said anything about cheating?

Have you lost your mind?

That book is over 100 years old and you're bending it.

Exactomundo, Gabester.

Who said anything about breaking the rules to win?

Maybe we just need to bend them a little in our favour.

Straddling, straw hats... Ooh, strategy.

How To Be A Winner.

"Do you want to be a winner 100% of the time?"

Do I ever!

"With Chas Champion's foolproof system,

"you'll go from zero to hero in an instant."

This is exactly what our team need.

With Chas Champion on our side, we'll be unstoppable.

Winning isn't an achievement. It's a state of mind.

Act like a winner and you'll become a winner. Pow!

-You want to be a winner, don't you?

-I sure do, Mr Champion.

Well, then, get up out of that chair.

It's time to show the world what you're really made of.

Bones, skin and hair mostly.

Hey! Winners never answer back.

-Sorry, Mr Champion.

-And they never apologise.

-Sor...

Much better.

You're already on your way to becoming a winner.

Pow!

-Pow!

-Now, show me that winner's attitude.

This is the archery round, not the gaming round.

-We don't have any archery gear.

-Well, I'll just run home and get some.

Oh, no, no, no. It's wet. Don't want you to catch cold.

Your character in the game has got a bow and arrow.

-What's your problemo?

-You all know I'm rubbish at video games.

You've done this on purpose.

Well, there's nothing in the rule book stating that we cannot

have virtual archery.

So...

Shall we?

This cheese competition - very cool idea, Roxy.

Well, I know how you love a chance to prove that you're the best.

Let's get smelling.

Mild...

slightly salty...

-Edam.

-Well done. OK, cheese number two this way.

Come on, Diego.

OK, here you go.

Powerfully pungent. Gorgonzola.

You're right!

You're well good at this. OK, the last one.

Here we go.

This way, this way.

Ooh! I think I recognise this one.

Nutty...

Ooh, a floral bouquet.

A cheddar. A very OLD cheddar.

Actually, it's human earwax.

SHE LAUGHS

I don't get it. Why is it not working like real archery?

Oh! Ooh!

-I do believe that's a point to us, Gabe.

-Yes!

-So, tell me, Kait, how does it feel to be a loser?

-YOU'D know.

That was desperate, even for you.

'Sup, peeps?

Yeah, that's right.

My medal.

Gather...around...the champ.

-Awarded for being Dylan?

-Yeah, it's called having 'tude.

-'Tude?

-Attitude.

Bruv, what's all this about?

Bruv, calm down. You're not even on my team.

Me and my ladies are going to be winners by acting like winners.

Laugh all you want.

But it's not going to get through my shield of success.

Dylan?

Wearing sunglasses isn't going to help us win.

-We need an actual strategy.

-Act like winners and we'll become winners.

That's how it works.

-Pow!

-Dressing like an idiot isn't going to help us.

Oi, leave him alone, yeah. He's trying his best.

He's your brother but he's my team-mate.

Without him we wouldn't have enough team members

and we'd have to forfeit the games.

-So, you only wanted me to make up your numbers?

-No.

Well, yeah, kind of but...

-Only cos there was no-one else to ask.

-But I thought I was special.

That's why you asked me to be your...first choice.

-Well, you are special, Dylan.

-I am, you're right.

I am a winner.

Pow! Pow! Pow!

Look, bruv, wait.

Nah! I don't need you lot and your silly games to prove that

I am a winner. All right?

Bye.

So, with Dylan out of the game doesn't that mean

the boys win by default?

-Victory!

-Hold on, ladies. Wait until you meet my, er, newest team member.

Oh, hello.

Yeah, bet it doesn't say anything in your stupid

rulebook about somebody joining in through the internet, hm?

-I'm sure it does.

-No, it doesn't.

-Trivia round. Ready?

-Ready.

What is Jessie J's full name?

Em...

Jessica...

..Joyful.

-Wrong. Dani?

-Jessica Ellen Cornish.

Correct. Gabe? I thought you said you were good at trivia?

-18th-century trivia.

-Well, that's helpful(!)

One, two, five, eight, boys going to lose and the girls can't wait!

In your face.

-Come on, Jimmy!

-Come on, Jimmy!

Take your time, son. Take your time.

-BOYS CHEER

-That's what I'm talking about!

Sunny Sands Holiday Camp crazy golf champ for three years running.

-That's my brother.

-My turn.

BOYS CHATTER LOUDLY

-You ain't going to do it!

-You're going to miss!

-Sh!

-Sh!

Go on, Kait, you can do it.

-Thanks, Dani.

-Go on, go on...

Go on, you can do it.

What?!

Ha! I did it! I don't know how I did it but I did it.

Ha-ha! Hole in one, booyah. Up top!

-Yes, go on.

-Cheat. She cheated.

-I didn't cheat.

-Not you - Esme.

The only you could have got that ball in there is if...

-she used ghost powers.

-How dare you accuse ME of using ghost powers.

How dare you cheat at that, you cheating cheat of a girl!

-Take that back, brother.

-You make me, sister.

-I would never cheat.

-You did earlier.

-That was a one-off.

-Come on, how else could she be that good?

-Natural skill.

-And the rest.

I want to win this competition fair and square, not by cheating.

Have you no respect for the dead?

-Right, well...let's just call it a draw.

-Yes, good idea.

-Actually, that ain't a bad idea.

-So it's 4-2.

If we're going to win this thing, I want to win it legitimately.

-Fine, what's next?

-The rule book.

Esme!

Rich is right. We have to play by the rules, no cheating.

Yeah, yeah...

I've had doughnuts for breakfast the last three days this week.

I should do the doughnut-eating contest.

-You done the crazy golf.

-I, too, think he should do it.

-Outnumbered, Rich.

-Hang on a minute, I'm team captain.

-Team captain only wants the glory all for himself.

-I am wondering

if this is boys versus girls or girls versus Rich.

-We're a team here, lads.

-Are we going to do this...or not?

Yeah.

-Jimmy's going to do it.

-Boom!

Master Jimmy, perch.

-We've got this. I am the best at eating doughnuts.

-Go on, Dani.

Eating doughnuts without licking my lips is going to be ee-zay!

-Contestants, ready?

-Ready.

-Huh!

And...begin!

BOTH: Dani! Dani! Dani!

-Aah! She licked her lips.

-Dani!

-I'm sorry. It's just too tempting.

-Victory!

-Ha-ha-ha!

Two, three, seven, nine,

boys storm ahead and the girls decline!

Hur! Hur!

-In your face!

-I don't even care.

-In your face, Gabe.

Erm, I think it's time we had a timeout.

Yeah, I agree.

-Come on, Esme.

-Yes!

-Victory!

-(Beat it, sister.)

-Mm.

We're so close to victory I can almost smell it.

Must be the doughnuts.

Heads.

I don't even win this.

Trafford, fetch.

Next time I'm getting a dog.

-Got your message.

-Yeah, this needs to stop.

-OK.

And we're having this conversation in a cupboard because?

You seen what it's doing to Dylan and Gabe's talking like we're at war.

And you want to surrender. Consider it done. Girls rule, the end.

Kait, this is serious. I'm frightened of history repeating itself.

And everybody falling out with each other.

Yeah, you're right.

So what are we going to do?

Somehow we need to make sure that nobody wins.

You're suggesting a draw?

Yep. Look, it's the final round.

-And the boys are one point behind the girls so...

-OK.

-So, how are we going to guarantee that it's a draw?

-Don't worry.

I know just the chap. Follow me.

-After you.

-Ladies first.

-No, I said after you.

-No, no, gentleman.

Ladies first.

-I said after you.

-Just walk.

-Rich!

-Just walk. Just walk, just walk.

-Just walk, just walk.

-You made it really awkward now.

Look, bruv. I need you on my team.

You didn't want me last time. You let me be a girl.

Yeah, that's cos I thought everyone was going to have fun,

not rip each other's heads off.

What difference can I make?

You're the only one who can stop history repeating,

make sure everyone don't fall out with each other.

-Me?

-Yeah, you. Not chess champion, you.

Dylan can't join your team. You'll have too many players.

-He can if I drop out.

-What?! You're abandoning us?

Yeah, yeah, do you know what? I've got a really, really bad back.

Dylan, you traitor, you were one of us. You were a girl.

If chameleons can change colour, I can change sides.

-Don't worry, boys, I can do this.

-He's actually a champion starer.

-If you ask me, they're up to something.

-Kait, do something.

I don't see why he can't join their team.

Fine, we're still going to beat you, though.

Dani's our secret weapon in this.

I once played a robot delivery driver in a TV pilot called

Vandroids. I am the BEST at non-blinking.

Right. Contestants.

-Ready?

-Ready.

-Ready.

-Good luck, Dani.

-And good luck, Dylan.

-Don't encourage them.

I'm just being friendly.

And...

..begin.

That's it. That has to have done it.

Dani...focus.

-Oh!

-Yes! Boys win! Boom!

-I'm sorry. I did my best.

-You won, Dylan.

-I did?

Yeah, it was for real this time.

-Winner, winner.

-All right, don't milk it. No-one likes a show-off.

Your brother is not normal. No-one can go THAT long without blinking.

I learned how by studying snakes. They have transparent eyelids.

-Hang on, the boys haven't won, they just equalised.

-Well, well done.

-Anyway, I'll be back soon. Got to go.

-ALL: Bye, Dani.

-Bye, Dani.

-Indeed.

It is a draw.

-I guess that means boys and girls are equal.

-Who'd have thought that?

Well, we can't just leave it like that.

-We need to know who's better, boys or girls.

-Look, we've had a laugh.

Ain't that enough?

Yeah, time to let it go.

History demands an answer.

We're duty-bound to play until we know.

-For my mother's honour.

-For my father's honour.

BOTH: Tie-breaker.

Rock, paper, scissors, go.

-Oh, ghosts!

-Paper beats rock.

-Best of 100.

-OK.

You guys were right. There are things better than winning.

-Ice cream.

-Maybe we'll never know if girls or boys are best.

How long do you reckon it'll take Esme and Gabe

-to figure that one out?

-Long enough for us to finish this.

Hold on a second, my spoon isn't big enough.

-Here, brother. You've earned it.

-Sweet.

-Tuck in, little man.

So, Diego, what have we learnt today?

That my hall mate is a sneaky, tricky...trickster

who thinks it's funny to feed me earwax.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Will you accept some...

..cheese as an apology?

Don't mind if I do.

Thank you.

Aw!

SHE LAUGHS

OK. This is the one.

It's going to be...

This is a joke. I hate this game.

-Bull's-eye!

-You was meant to go home hours ago.

-Home can wait.

I just want one more go in this game. I reckon I can take you on now.

I thought you wasn't bothered about girls beating boys any more?

-This is about proving that Kait is better than Rich.

-All right.

Oh!

And she's only gone and done it.

You know, unless you're, er, scared I'm going to beat you?

Scared? You know I never lose, don't ya?

-Oh, never?

-Never.

-At anything?

-Never, ever, ever.

-I don't believe that.

You ready for this?

-Check it out.

-Watch this...

Woo-whoop!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd