Mostly Haunted Dani's Castle

THUNDER RUMBLES

Undead spirits of Bogmoor,

I have come to commune with thee.

Reveal to me your secrets...

and your...

Puddles!

I despise puddles.

I curse you, puddles!

I curse you!

I curse thee!

I curse thee, puddles!

PRESENTER SPEAKS ON TV, THUNDER RUMBLES OUTSIDE

ELECTRICAL HISSING

THUNDERCLAP

Ooh-ooh!

Ghost!

A-ha, you should have seen your faces.

You were like, "Ah!"

-Sister, that is not amusing.

-You've got to stop scaring people.

-Yeah, starting with us.

-But it's what I do.

-It's all you do.

Boo!

Boo!

Esme!

# My lady, darling... #

Boo!

-Boo!

-Ah, Esme!

-Hello, Trafford.

-Hello, Dylan!

So, what are we watching?

Nothing. Until you learn to stop scaring,

you are banned from spending time with the rest of us.

You can't ban me from hanging out with you.

No, but we can choose to stop hanging out with you.

-Yep, bye.

-Farewell.

Oi!

Hey, Dylan,

do you want to go have some fun and leave those losers to it?

They have a point.

Sometimes you scare me too, Esme. Friends shouldn't scare friends.

That's rule number two of friendship.

What's rule number one?

Never buddy up with a crocodile.

Even though they show their teeth, it doesn't mean they're smiling.

Look, I don't need you lot anyway.

I've got friends on Ghosltybook. Real friends.

How many of your Ghostlybook friends have you actually met?

It doesn't matter. I'm a ghost, I'm supposed to be scary.

KNOCKING

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

Oh, no, please do come in(!)

What a wonderful place you have here.

I can almost smell the history.

Well, that will be the dry rot.

-Sorry, who are you?

-Poor child.

You don't have a television.

No, I prefer real life, the picture quality is better.

Ah! It's Damien Davenport! THE Damien Davenport!

Not THE Damien Davenport!

THEY SQUEAL

-Who's Damien Davenport!

-Mr Davenport, you made it. I'm Rich.

I'm richer. I have a swimming pool.

-We've kind of got a swimming pool too, Mr Davenport.

-I thought the last time we checked, the water

-was green and there was a dead badger in it.

-No...

This is Damien Davenport.

Top TV ghosthunter, and he's here to film his show.

He's filming Mostly Haunted in our castle?

Fame overload. Don't pass out.

-Don't pass out.

-Eh, Rich, huh?

What?

Are you out of your mind? Why didn't you speak to us first?

What? So you can talk me out of it like you always do? Dream on.

Mr Davenport...

I must explore. Soak up the vibrations before my crew arrives.

I'm like a sponge for spectral energy.

What am I, a hat stand?

Unbelievable.

Well, you're the one playing a scary vampire.

See, people like to be scared.

True, but the people coming to see my film are choosing to see

the Bride Of Spatula.

Look, maybe being a scary ghost

and having loads of friends just don't go together.

But being scary is what ghosts do.

It's like having a pet dog and telling it not to bark.

-Gabe isn't scary.

-Yeah, but Gabe's an idiot.

He was no better a human than he is a ghost.

And that is what is driving people away, Esme.

Look, Gabe's got loads of positive qualities -

he's kind, he's sensitive. Oh, he's good looking.

Dani...

Look, the point is, being scary isn't the be all and end all.

But then what do I do?

I like having friends, but I absolutely love being a ghost.

Well, it might be a crazy idea, but maybe it's time to retire

from scaring or just do it to people who enjoy it.

I'll make a souffle out of your blood.

EVIL LAUGH

Well terrifying.

Ghosts.

Poor, poor, ephemeral beings.

Rich, do we really want everyone to know what ghosts live here?

Everybody who watches Mostly Haunted thinks

the ghosts are special effects and that Davenport's a fake.

-And a show-off.

-Oh, I can't think why.

But all the places that he visits become massive tourist attractions.

Do you think he can put us on the tourist map?

If Gabe and Esme end up on camera,

everyone's going to think they're actors. What do you say?

Come on.

-I don't know.

-Please.

Pretty please.

-Do I need to beg now?

-No, no, no, don't beg.

Yeah, thought so.

Look, if you really think it'll help the castle then I'm in.

But I just hope you know what you're doing.

I always know what I'm doing.

Ah, right on cue.

Oh, Mr Davenport. This is Gabe, one of our ghosts.

Don't worry, Gabe, I've told him all about you.

It's OK, Gabe, just do something ghostly.

Come on.

You can do it.

Woo!

I'm a ghost. Beware...

..my ghostly hands!

-What are you trying to pull here?

-What do you mean?

Ghosts are scarier, otherworldly.

This very ordinary boy, peculiar dress sense aside,

couldn't scare his way out of a paper bag.

-Who says ghosts have to be scary?

-I do.

And if you're a real ghost, you'd know that.

You think I'm a human?

As human as I am.

Maybe not quite as handsome.

Was only having a bit of fun. It's only a laugh, eh, Gabe?

-He's not really a ghost.

-No.

No, that's me. No dead people here.

But if you want to see a real scary ghost,

you've come to the right place.

Sister, you won't believe what's happened.

There's a ghosthunter visiting, and he thinks I'm...

What is...?

Gibby!

-Gibby?

-I've missed you.

You saw me less than an hour ago.

You're the bestest brother a girl could ever ask for.

Do you like what I did with the place?

Doesn't it make you want to scream?

MUSIC: "Barbie Girl" by Aqua.

There's an unnatural coldness in this room.

That breeze.

Could it be the long, dead breath of a wandering phantom?

Can't believe we've got another huge celebrity in the castle.

And I can't believe you're actually impressed by this great big show-off.

I can't believe our castle's going to be on TV.

And I can't believe that this whole thing

-isn't going to end in disaster.

-Urgh.

I sense so much pain here.

So much sorrow.

-My boots filling with ectoplasm.

-Wow.

If he's like this before the cameras get here,

imagine what he'd be like later.

I bet he's even cooler. I'm going to ask for his autograph.

I was wrong about the phantom.

The breeze was coming through a gap in that window.

Yeah, we've been meaning to get that double glazed.

Anyways, could I have your autograph, please, Mr Davenport?

Do you have any idea how many times a day I get asked for my autograph?

-Hm.

-Sorry, I didn't mean to...

-Here.

Come along now.

My TV crew will be here within the hour.

Awesome. I'm going to add this to my autograph collection.

Since when did you have an autograph collection?

Since now. You're looking at it. Woo!

It's time to talk to Esme.

She keeps making me jump. It's giving me aerophagia.

-Aero...what?

-The hiccups.

Look, you're the only one who can get her to do the scare,

-you're her best friend.

-WAS her best friend.

I know Esme can be a pain sometimes, don't get me wrong,

but you don't want to fall out with her, plus,

if you do, Davenport will leave and the castle won't get on TV.

What do you think, Trafford?

Oh.

All right. Fine.

Yeah.

All right. Right, I'll talk to her,

but don't expect me to be her best friend straightaway.

Drink up.

Esme, Dylan's got something to...

Yay, two of my most favourite friends in the whole wide world.

This isn't... This isn't you.

-What's happening here?

-Would you like a cupcake?

I baked them myself.

Rich wants to know if you can be scary for us.

Oh, I've turned over a new leaf.

You said I couldn't hang out with you if I was scary.

But... Esme, I know it's come at a bad time,

but the castle's going to be on TV and we really need you to be ghosty.

I'm sorry, Richiepoo, but I'll do anything you need,

I just don't do scary.

Let's have a dollies' tea party.

Um, bruv, I'm going to leave you to it.

Bye, friends.

That's Princess Sparkle.

This is Lady Sweet Pea.

And that's Roderick the Rascal.

Be very careful with him - he's a very, very naughty boy.

Esme, what's happening here?

We're having a dollies' tea party.

A zombie tea party I'd believe, but this isn't you.

The old you would have been all, "I'm Princess Sparkle

"and I'm going to eat your brains!

"Brains!"

No!

Princess Sparkle would never eat brains.

She's a vegan.

What did that mean Dylan make you do?

Why don't we go and have some fun?

We can have a custard fight

or see what's the biggest thing we can flush down the toilet.

We can always try Jimmy's duvet again.

I thought you wanted me to be more like this?

Yeah, but, I did, but... this is just creepy.

Well, get used to it, BFF, cos this is the new Esme!

So, let's recap.

Davenport thinks that Gabe is a human.

And we can't rely on Esme now to be scary,

she's apparently turned into Tinkerbell.

So, in short, we're ghostless.

But we still need to try and find a way to prove the castle is haunted

to give Davenport what he's expecting.

What about the poltergeist?

We can bang some pots and pans and get that bad boy out the cellar.

He wants to scare his viewers, not give them a heart attack.

She's got a point. I need more ideas, guys, hit me.

We make a cake shaped like a ghost and then say,

"That's what we thought you wanted." And then eat the cake.

We release a lion into the castle and try and scare him like that.

Or we tell Davenport this whole thing was a huge mistake

and call the whole thing off. Who's with me?

Boring.

Cake, lion... Fake!

That's it.

Look, we'll fake a haunting and we can be ghosts.

-But I am already a ghost.

-Yeah, I know that.

That's why you're going to be the human

pretending to be scared by the ghosts.

So you want me, who's a ghost,

to pretend to be a human, who are scared of ghosts

who aren't really ghosts?

He's got it. It's quite simple, really.

I think I preferred Gabe's lion idea.

We go live at eight o'clock.

We'll kick off with your intro to camera, upstairs in the library.

Then we'll do a walk-and-talk with the owners.

Make sure you get my good side.

Remind me which side is that again.

The front one, obviously.

Why would anyone in their right minds want to hide this?

Mr Davenport, all set for the filming?

We will be if your ghosts ever turn up.

I can assure you the ghosts are never that far away in this place.

Speaking as an ordinary human,

I find it all quite terrifying living here.

Oohh!

Oh, my goodness, there they are.

We are the ghosts of Bogmoor Castle.

You will never banish us.

We belong here. Woo!

And you!

We are really scary!

WEAKLY: Ohh! Eee!

Gabe.

Ah, ghosts!

Real ghosts!

Look how realistic they are.

Who is the one they call Mr Davenport?

We have crossed over to commune with you. You, you, you, you...

Ooh!

Ah!

Watch where you're stepping, you big-footed klutz!

I don't have big feet. It was your chain that got in the way.

Take no notice of these imposters, Mr Davenport,

for I am the real ghost of Bogmoor Castle.

He is, I can vouch for that, take it from a real gh... I mean, human.

I mean... I'm so confused.

-Do you think I'm stupid?

-Well...

No, no, sir.

Do you think you're the first people to attempt to lure me somewhere

claiming to have resident ghosts in an attempt to get on television

so as to put their place onto the tourist map?

-But this castle really is haunted.

-Then what's all this?

See, I told you it would never work.

-It's really complicated, yeah.

-Try me.

Well, our resident scary ghost

has decided to not be a scary ghost any more.

It is true, my Lord, she is upstairs playing with dollies.

Dollies!

Ghosts don't play with dollies.

Well, she realised that being scary made her lonely,

so she's trying to change.

Precisely one hour, I'm going to be doing a live television broadcast.

My viewers are going to be expecting this show to be broadcast

from a castle inhabited by real, actual, scary ghosts.

And if you can't provide me

with some evidence that this place is haunted by the time we go to air,

then I promise you that I shall expose you as the charlatans

I'm starting to suspect that you are.

See if that puts you on the tourist map.

Paul, Brenda, shall we do a run-through, hm?

I thought we were quite convincing, you know?

You, you, you, you, you...

I was just giving it a bit of pizzazz.

Esme just doesn't want to be scary any more.

I don't even think Master Dylan can turn her around.

We've lost her.

Just like Master Jimmy lost his trousers sliding down the banister.

That still gives me nightmares even now.

I knew this plan was doomed from the start.

But it's my best chance to be a TV celeb.

I've been working on my best celebrity smile as well.

You need some crackers with that cheese.

Hey, where you going?

To check if Esme's OK.

Maybe if she talks to another girl she might come around.

You, girly chat?

No offence, cupcake, but don't think girly chats are really your thing.

Er, just because I like to wear jeans and get my hands dirty

doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my feminine side, cupcake.

So, what do we do now?

There's only one option left.

The unthinkable.

-Demolish the castle...

-What?

-..quickly rebuild it somewhere else...

-No!

-..before Davenport even finds out.

-The poltergeist.

Humans are scared of everything. Roller coasters, ghosts, even mice.

Mice?

Don't be so ridiculous.

I knew it was you!

Yeah, who'd be scared of a mouse?

-Mr Davenport...

-Careful.

Having your make-up done, I see.

Very observant of you.

I thought it was only the females of the modern era wore make-up?

Is there something I can help you with?

I thought it'd be nice to make conversation.

Human to human.

It's been a while since I've been...just reading this newspaper

like an ordinary 21st-century person.

It's good to keep up on events in the human world...

of which I am part of obviously.

I see David Beckham...has purchased a new hat.

Hm.

It's great to be alive, everybody, isn't it?

I love waking up to the smell of flowers in the morning.

Makes me feel alive.

Taking a deep breath.

Eating a well-prepared meal.

Such things make me glad to be alive.

It's the little things... that I would miss if I were a ghost.

Even like sweating. Taking a bath.

You like sweating?

I'd miss that if I were not such a...ordinary human.

Yes, but you're not such an ordinary human, are you?

You're an exceedingly strange person. Quite the weirdest one I've ever met.

Now, go away, I have a television show to prepare for.

-Careful, that's expensive.

-Sorry.

Got a sec?

I suppose.

Hey, Esme. I guess it's tough being a ghost.

Is this another attempt to get me into being scary for that TV show?

We just want to check you're OK.

Look, being dead must get lonely sometimes.

What would you two know about being a ghost?

I once played a short-sighted ghost detective in a flopped TV pilot

called The Spectacle Spectre Inspector.

And I just found out exactly how hard it is to be scary.

Being nice is way tougher.

You really love scaring, don't you?

It's what I'm good at.

Good? You're amazing.

Well, it takes some serious skill.

A lot more skill than I've got apparently.

Look, I know that if anyone tried to change who I am,

I'd tell them where to get off.

Unless it was for a part.

How do you like your eggs? Mwha-ha-ha...

Dani, your blood's ready.

Sorry, guys, must feast before dawn.

Bye.

If I was you, I'd make myself scarce.

-We're going to wake the poltergeist.

-You can't do that.

Yeah, the poltergeist is completely unpredictable.

What choice do we have? Davenport needs a ghost.

Esme's gone nice and Gabe's gone human.

Old Polty Boy is the only ghost around here.

Stand back.

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

Here, poltygeisty-geisty.

POTS AND PANS BANG

You sure about this?

Come on, Polty-Pants, come out and scare us.

Ew. Does the poltergeist have a cold?

-Do ghosts even get colds?

-I think poltergeists do.

Great. The poltergeist was our last hope.

Now Davenport's going to humiliate us all live on TV.

We're doomed.

Let's just get this over and done with.

I am Wonder Mouse!

I am a more dynamic Diego. I am Wonder Mouse! Saviour of the meek!

No, you're an idiot!

I've also got a catch phrase.

Mice to see you!

Oh, I've got a catch phrase for you.

I'm Diego and I'm completely ridiculous!

-No!

-Catchy, huh?

It's Wonder Mouse!

-HE GASPS

-My cape's caught.

What a hero.

Welcome, spirit fans

to another edition of Mostly Haunted with me, Damien Davenport.

This week we come to you live from Bogmoor Castle in Northern Ireland.

A country rich in mystery and magic.

With me now are the young owners of the castle.

Rich, Jimmy, Gabe and Kait.

Yeah, Kait doesn't actually live here.

She's more of a hanger-on.

Can you tell me a little bit more about why you brought me here today?

-Well, basically, our castle is haunted.

-Really haunted.

Yeah, we got ghosts coming out of our ears.

Strange, because in all the hours I've been here,

I've yet to find any evidence of any haunting.

Perhaps it's so haunted that even ghosts are scared.

Or maybe your ghosthunting powers aren't working today,

or perhaps you never had any at all.

But the castle is still a great place to visit, I mean,

we take bookings for weddings, birthday parties, tours...

Let's explore, shall we?

And then maybe we shall discover how truly haunted this place really is.

Ah.

Oh.

It's as I suspected.

There's no evidence of ghosts here either.

There's not a single hint of the restless dead in this place.

Personally I don't think you'd be able to spot a ghost

if there was one right under your nose.

Even if there was one standing right in front of you.

I may be a failure as a person,

but at least I'm not a failure as a ghosthunter.

Ladies and gentlemen at home, I must apologise.

Sometimes here on Mostly Haunted we get letters from charlatans

making false claims, and I believe that this is one such...

What's going on?

-Esme.

-Is that your plumbing?

Mr D, brace yourself, it's about to get funky.

Cool.

Finally a ghost.

See, I told you.

Who are you, creature of the other world?

Tell me, spirit, what is it that you want?

Oh, nothing. I just want to scare you.

She's back.

That's my girl.

OK.

So I'm not a great superhero.

But...I did make this cape.

There's got to be something I can do with it.

Oh. I know.

SHE BLOWS

Roxy!

So easy to wind up.

We didn't get any of that. He jumped on me...again!

But it was really scary. I mean, really scary.

Boo!

Well, not all of us can be as unfrightening as my brother.

Oh. He's a ghost!

He's rubbish.

But he's the best at being my big brother.

And at being our mate.

-Gabe, don't ever change.

-Or you, Esme.

CAR HORN BEEPS

Oh, that's my car.

I best go and see what I can salvage out of this ghost train wreck.

Don't you ever get scared, Mr Davenport?

I live my life in the shadows.

I've seen things that you can barely comprehend.

From the strange to the bizarre.

No, it would take an awful lot to terrify m... M...

What is that thing?

It's unnatural. It's terrifying.

Keep it away from me!

It's my bearded dragon, Mr Davenport,

we just want to say hello before you go.

Argh!

-Adios, my little friend.

-But it's only Trafford.

-See you.

-Bye.

So, the castle got on TV and nobody saw any ghosts.

Sounds like a winner all round.

And our secret's safe.

I knew you'd come back.

-It's what I'm best at, right?

-Hey.

What's a few scares between friends?

In that case...

Oh-oh!

Everybody run!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd