Mostly Haunted Dani's Castle


Mostly Haunted

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THUNDER RUMBLES

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Undead spirits of Bogmoor,

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I have come to commune with thee.

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Reveal to me your secrets...

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and your...

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Puddles!

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I despise puddles.

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I curse you, puddles!

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I curse you!

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I curse thee!

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I curse thee, puddles!

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PRESENTER SPEAKS ON TV, THUNDER RUMBLES OUTSIDE

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ELECTRICAL HISSING

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THUNDERCLAP

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Ooh-ooh!

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Ghost!

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A-ha, you should have seen your faces.

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You were like, "Ah!"

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-Sister, that is not amusing.

-You've got to stop scaring people.

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-Yeah, starting with us.

-But it's what I do.

-It's all you do.

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Boo!

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Boo!

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Esme!

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# My lady, darling... #

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Boo!

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-Boo!

-Ah, Esme!

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-Hello, Trafford.

-Hello, Dylan!

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So, what are we watching?

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Nothing. Until you learn to stop scaring,

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you are banned from spending time with the rest of us.

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You can't ban me from hanging out with you.

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No, but we can choose to stop hanging out with you.

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-Yep, bye.

-Farewell.

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Oi!

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Hey, Dylan,

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do you want to go have some fun and leave those losers to it?

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They have a point.

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Sometimes you scare me too, Esme. Friends shouldn't scare friends.

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That's rule number two of friendship.

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What's rule number one?

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Never buddy up with a crocodile.

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Even though they show their teeth, it doesn't mean they're smiling.

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Look, I don't need you lot anyway.

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I've got friends on Ghosltybook. Real friends.

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How many of your Ghostlybook friends have you actually met?

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It doesn't matter. I'm a ghost, I'm supposed to be scary.

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KNOCKING

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DOOR CREAKS OPEN

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Oh, no, please do come in(!)

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What a wonderful place you have here.

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I can almost smell the history.

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Well, that will be the dry rot.

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-Sorry, who are you?

-Poor child.

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You don't have a television.

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No, I prefer real life, the picture quality is better.

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Ah! It's Damien Davenport! THE Damien Davenport!

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Not THE Damien Davenport!

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THEY SQUEAL

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-Who's Damien Davenport!

-Mr Davenport, you made it. I'm Rich.

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I'm richer. I have a swimming pool.

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-We've kind of got a swimming pool too, Mr Davenport.

-I thought the last time we checked, the water

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-was green and there was a dead badger in it.

-No...

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This is Damien Davenport.

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Top TV ghosthunter, and he's here to film his show.

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He's filming Mostly Haunted in our castle?

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Fame overload. Don't pass out.

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-Don't pass out.

-Eh, Rich, huh?

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What?

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Are you out of your mind? Why didn't you speak to us first?

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What? So you can talk me out of it like you always do? Dream on.

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Mr Davenport...

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I must explore. Soak up the vibrations before my crew arrives.

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I'm like a sponge for spectral energy.

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What am I, a hat stand?

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Unbelievable.

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Well, you're the one playing a scary vampire.

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See, people like to be scared.

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True, but the people coming to see my film are choosing to see

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the Bride Of Spatula.

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Look, maybe being a scary ghost

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and having loads of friends just don't go together.

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But being scary is what ghosts do.

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It's like having a pet dog and telling it not to bark.

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-Gabe isn't scary.

-Yeah, but Gabe's an idiot.

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He was no better a human than he is a ghost.

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And that is what is driving people away, Esme.

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Look, Gabe's got loads of positive qualities -

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he's kind, he's sensitive. Oh, he's good looking.

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Dani...

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Look, the point is, being scary isn't the be all and end all.

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But then what do I do?

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I like having friends, but I absolutely love being a ghost.

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Well, it might be a crazy idea, but maybe it's time to retire

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from scaring or just do it to people who enjoy it.

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I'll make a souffle out of your blood.

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EVIL LAUGH

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Well terrifying.

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Ghosts.

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Poor, poor, ephemeral beings.

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Rich, do we really want everyone to know what ghosts live here?

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Everybody who watches Mostly Haunted thinks

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the ghosts are special effects and that Davenport's a fake.

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-And a show-off.

-Oh, I can't think why.

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But all the places that he visits become massive tourist attractions.

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Do you think he can put us on the tourist map?

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If Gabe and Esme end up on camera,

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everyone's going to think they're actors. What do you say?

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Come on.

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-I don't know.

-Please.

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Pretty please.

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-Do I need to beg now?

-No, no, no, don't beg.

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Yeah, thought so.

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Look, if you really think it'll help the castle then I'm in.

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But I just hope you know what you're doing.

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I always know what I'm doing.

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Ah, right on cue.

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Oh, Mr Davenport. This is Gabe, one of our ghosts.

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Don't worry, Gabe, I've told him all about you.

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It's OK, Gabe, just do something ghostly.

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Come on.

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You can do it.

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Woo!

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I'm a ghost. Beware...

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..my ghostly hands!

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-What are you trying to pull here?

-What do you mean?

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Ghosts are scarier, otherworldly.

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This very ordinary boy, peculiar dress sense aside,

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couldn't scare his way out of a paper bag.

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-Who says ghosts have to be scary?

-I do.

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And if you're a real ghost, you'd know that.

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You think I'm a human?

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As human as I am.

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Maybe not quite as handsome.

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Was only having a bit of fun. It's only a laugh, eh, Gabe?

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-He's not really a ghost.

-No.

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No, that's me. No dead people here.

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But if you want to see a real scary ghost,

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you've come to the right place.

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Sister, you won't believe what's happened.

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There's a ghosthunter visiting, and he thinks I'm...

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What is...?

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Gibby!

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-Gibby?

-I've missed you.

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You saw me less than an hour ago.

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You're the bestest brother a girl could ever ask for.

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Do you like what I did with the place?

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Doesn't it make you want to scream?

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MUSIC: "Barbie Girl" by Aqua.

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There's an unnatural coldness in this room.

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That breeze.

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Could it be the long, dead breath of a wandering phantom?

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Can't believe we've got another huge celebrity in the castle.

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And I can't believe you're actually impressed by this great big show-off.

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I can't believe our castle's going to be on TV.

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And I can't believe that this whole thing

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-isn't going to end in disaster.

-Urgh.

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I sense so much pain here.

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So much sorrow.

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-My boots filling with ectoplasm.

-Wow.

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If he's like this before the cameras get here,

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imagine what he'd be like later.

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I bet he's even cooler. I'm going to ask for his autograph.

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I was wrong about the phantom.

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The breeze was coming through a gap in that window.

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Yeah, we've been meaning to get that double glazed.

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Anyways, could I have your autograph, please, Mr Davenport?

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Do you have any idea how many times a day I get asked for my autograph?

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-Hm.

-Sorry, I didn't mean to...

-Here.

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Come along now.

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My TV crew will be here within the hour.

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Awesome. I'm going to add this to my autograph collection.

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Since when did you have an autograph collection?

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Since now. You're looking at it. Woo!

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It's time to talk to Esme.

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She keeps making me jump. It's giving me aerophagia.

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-Aero...what?

-The hiccups.

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Look, you're the only one who can get her to do the scare,

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-you're her best friend.

-WAS her best friend.

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I know Esme can be a pain sometimes, don't get me wrong,

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but you don't want to fall out with her, plus,

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if you do, Davenport will leave and the castle won't get on TV.

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What do you think, Trafford?

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Oh.

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All right. Fine.

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Yeah.

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All right. Right, I'll talk to her,

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but don't expect me to be her best friend straightaway.

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Drink up.

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Esme, Dylan's got something to...

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Yay, two of my most favourite friends in the whole wide world.

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This isn't... This isn't you.

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-What's happening here?

-Would you like a cupcake?

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I baked them myself.

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Rich wants to know if you can be scary for us.

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Oh, I've turned over a new leaf.

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You said I couldn't hang out with you if I was scary.

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But... Esme, I know it's come at a bad time,

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but the castle's going to be on TV and we really need you to be ghosty.

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I'm sorry, Richiepoo, but I'll do anything you need,

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I just don't do scary.

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Let's have a dollies' tea party.

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Um, bruv, I'm going to leave you to it.

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Bye, friends.

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That's Princess Sparkle.

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This is Lady Sweet Pea.

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And that's Roderick the Rascal.

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Be very careful with him - he's a very, very naughty boy.

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Esme, what's happening here?

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We're having a dollies' tea party.

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A zombie tea party I'd believe, but this isn't you.

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The old you would have been all, "I'm Princess Sparkle

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"and I'm going to eat your brains!

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"Brains!"

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No!

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Princess Sparkle would never eat brains.

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She's a vegan.

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What did that mean Dylan make you do?

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Why don't we go and have some fun?

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We can have a custard fight

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or see what's the biggest thing we can flush down the toilet.

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We can always try Jimmy's duvet again.

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I thought you wanted me to be more like this?

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Yeah, but, I did, but... this is just creepy.

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Well, get used to it, BFF, cos this is the new Esme!

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So, let's recap.

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Davenport thinks that Gabe is a human.

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And we can't rely on Esme now to be scary,

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she's apparently turned into Tinkerbell.

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So, in short, we're ghostless.

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But we still need to try and find a way to prove the castle is haunted

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to give Davenport what he's expecting.

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What about the poltergeist?

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We can bang some pots and pans and get that bad boy out the cellar.

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He wants to scare his viewers, not give them a heart attack.

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She's got a point. I need more ideas, guys, hit me.

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We make a cake shaped like a ghost and then say,

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"That's what we thought you wanted." And then eat the cake.

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We release a lion into the castle and try and scare him like that.

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Or we tell Davenport this whole thing was a huge mistake

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and call the whole thing off. Who's with me?

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Boring.

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Cake, lion... Fake!

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That's it.

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Look, we'll fake a haunting and we can be ghosts.

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-But I am already a ghost.

-Yeah, I know that.

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That's why you're going to be the human

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pretending to be scared by the ghosts.

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So you want me, who's a ghost,

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to pretend to be a human, who are scared of ghosts

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who aren't really ghosts?

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He's got it. It's quite simple, really.

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I think I preferred Gabe's lion idea.

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We go live at eight o'clock.

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We'll kick off with your intro to camera, upstairs in the library.

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Then we'll do a walk-and-talk with the owners.

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Make sure you get my good side.

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Remind me which side is that again.

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The front one, obviously.

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Why would anyone in their right minds want to hide this?

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Mr Davenport, all set for the filming?

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We will be if your ghosts ever turn up.

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I can assure you the ghosts are never that far away in this place.

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Speaking as an ordinary human,

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I find it all quite terrifying living here.

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Oohh!

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Oh, my goodness, there they are.

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We are the ghosts of Bogmoor Castle.

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You will never banish us.

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We belong here. Woo!

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And you!

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We are really scary!

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WEAKLY: Ohh! Eee!

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Gabe.

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Ah, ghosts!

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Real ghosts!

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Look how realistic they are.

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Who is the one they call Mr Davenport?

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We have crossed over to commune with you. You, you, you, you...

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Ooh!

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Ah!

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Watch where you're stepping, you big-footed klutz!

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I don't have big feet. It was your chain that got in the way.

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Take no notice of these imposters, Mr Davenport,

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for I am the real ghost of Bogmoor Castle.

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He is, I can vouch for that, take it from a real gh... I mean, human.

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I mean... I'm so confused.

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-Do you think I'm stupid?

-Well...

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No, no, sir.

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Do you think you're the first people to attempt to lure me somewhere

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claiming to have resident ghosts in an attempt to get on television

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so as to put their place onto the tourist map?

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-But this castle really is haunted.

-Then what's all this?

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See, I told you it would never work.

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-It's really complicated, yeah.

-Try me.

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Well, our resident scary ghost

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has decided to not be a scary ghost any more.

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It is true, my Lord, she is upstairs playing with dollies.

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Dollies!

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Ghosts don't play with dollies.

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Well, she realised that being scary made her lonely,

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so she's trying to change.

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Precisely one hour, I'm going to be doing a live television broadcast.

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My viewers are going to be expecting this show to be broadcast

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from a castle inhabited by real, actual, scary ghosts.

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And if you can't provide me

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with some evidence that this place is haunted by the time we go to air,

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then I promise you that I shall expose you as the charlatans

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I'm starting to suspect that you are.

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See if that puts you on the tourist map.

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Paul, Brenda, shall we do a run-through, hm?

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I thought we were quite convincing, you know?

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You, you, you, you, you...

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I was just giving it a bit of pizzazz.

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Esme just doesn't want to be scary any more.

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I don't even think Master Dylan can turn her around.

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We've lost her.

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Just like Master Jimmy lost his trousers sliding down the banister.

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That still gives me nightmares even now.

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I knew this plan was doomed from the start.

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But it's my best chance to be a TV celeb.

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I've been working on my best celebrity smile as well.

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You need some crackers with that cheese.

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Hey, where you going?

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To check if Esme's OK.

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Maybe if she talks to another girl she might come around.

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You, girly chat?

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No offence, cupcake, but don't think girly chats are really your thing.

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Er, just because I like to wear jeans and get my hands dirty

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doesn't mean I'm not in touch with my feminine side, cupcake.

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So, what do we do now?

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There's only one option left.

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The unthinkable.

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-Demolish the castle...

-What?

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-..quickly rebuild it somewhere else...

-No!

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-..before Davenport even finds out.

-The poltergeist.

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Humans are scared of everything. Roller coasters, ghosts, even mice.

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Mice?

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Don't be so ridiculous.

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I knew it was you!

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Yeah, who'd be scared of a mouse?

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-Mr Davenport...

-Careful.

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Having your make-up done, I see.

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Very observant of you.

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I thought it was only the females of the modern era wore make-up?

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Is there something I can help you with?

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I thought it'd be nice to make conversation.

0:17:200:17:22

Human to human.

0:17:220:17:24

It's been a while since I've been...just reading this newspaper

0:17:250:17:30

like an ordinary 21st-century person.

0:17:300:17:33

It's good to keep up on events in the human world...

0:17:330:17:36

of which I am part of obviously.

0:17:360:17:38

I see David Beckham...has purchased a new hat.

0:17:400:17:44

Hm.

0:17:440:17:45

It's great to be alive, everybody, isn't it?

0:17:510:17:53

I love waking up to the smell of flowers in the morning.

0:17:550:17:59

Makes me feel alive.

0:17:590:18:00

Taking a deep breath.

0:18:020:18:03

Eating a well-prepared meal.

0:18:050:18:07

Such things make me glad to be alive.

0:18:070:18:10

It's the little things... that I would miss if I were a ghost.

0:18:160:18:19

Even like sweating. Taking a bath.

0:18:210:18:23

You like sweating?

0:18:250:18:27

I'd miss that if I were not such a...ordinary human.

0:18:270:18:31

Yes, but you're not such an ordinary human, are you?

0:18:310:18:34

You're an exceedingly strange person. Quite the weirdest one I've ever met.

0:18:340:18:39

Now, go away, I have a television show to prepare for.

0:18:390:18:42

-Careful, that's expensive.

-Sorry.

0:18:500:18:52

Got a sec?

0:19:110:19:12

I suppose.

0:19:120:19:14

Hey, Esme. I guess it's tough being a ghost.

0:19:190:19:22

Is this another attempt to get me into being scary for that TV show?

0:19:220:19:25

We just want to check you're OK.

0:19:250:19:27

Look, being dead must get lonely sometimes.

0:19:270:19:29

What would you two know about being a ghost?

0:19:290:19:31

I once played a short-sighted ghost detective in a flopped TV pilot

0:19:310:19:36

called The Spectacle Spectre Inspector.

0:19:360:19:38

And I just found out exactly how hard it is to be scary.

0:19:380:19:42

Being nice is way tougher.

0:19:420:19:44

You really love scaring, don't you?

0:19:440:19:45

It's what I'm good at.

0:19:450:19:47

Good? You're amazing.

0:19:470:19:49

Well, it takes some serious skill.

0:19:490:19:50

A lot more skill than I've got apparently.

0:19:500:19:52

Look, I know that if anyone tried to change who I am,

0:19:540:19:57

I'd tell them where to get off.

0:19:570:19:58

Unless it was for a part.

0:19:580:20:00

How do you like your eggs? Mwha-ha-ha...

0:20:000:20:02

Dani, your blood's ready.

0:20:020:20:05

Sorry, guys, must feast before dawn.

0:20:050:20:07

Bye.

0:20:090:20:10

If I was you, I'd make myself scarce.

0:20:130:20:14

-We're going to wake the poltergeist.

-You can't do that.

0:20:140:20:17

Yeah, the poltergeist is completely unpredictable.

0:20:170:20:19

What choice do we have? Davenport needs a ghost.

0:20:190:20:22

Esme's gone nice and Gabe's gone human.

0:20:220:20:24

Old Polty Boy is the only ghost around here.

0:20:240:20:27

Stand back.

0:20:270:20:28

DOOR CREAKS OPEN

0:20:320:20:34

Here, poltygeisty-geisty.

0:20:370:20:40

POTS AND PANS BANG

0:20:400:20:42

You sure about this?

0:20:430:20:44

Come on, Polty-Pants, come out and scare us.

0:20:470:20:50

Ew. Does the poltergeist have a cold?

0:21:020:21:05

-Do ghosts even get colds?

-I think poltergeists do.

0:21:050:21:08

Great. The poltergeist was our last hope.

0:21:190:21:21

Now Davenport's going to humiliate us all live on TV.

0:21:210:21:24

We're doomed.

0:21:250:21:27

Let's just get this over and done with.

0:21:270:21:29

I am Wonder Mouse!

0:21:410:21:42

I am a more dynamic Diego. I am Wonder Mouse! Saviour of the meek!

0:21:440:21:50

No, you're an idiot!

0:21:500:21:51

I've also got a catch phrase.

0:21:530:21:56

Mice to see you!

0:21:560:21:58

Oh, I've got a catch phrase for you.

0:21:580:22:00

I'm Diego and I'm completely ridiculous!

0:22:000:22:04

-No!

-Catchy, huh?

0:22:040:22:06

It's Wonder Mouse!

0:22:060:22:07

-HE GASPS

-My cape's caught.

0:22:110:22:12

What a hero.

0:22:130:22:14

Welcome, spirit fans

0:22:240:22:26

to another edition of Mostly Haunted with me, Damien Davenport.

0:22:260:22:30

This week we come to you live from Bogmoor Castle in Northern Ireland.

0:22:300:22:34

A country rich in mystery and magic.

0:22:340:22:37

With me now are the young owners of the castle.

0:22:370:22:39

Rich, Jimmy, Gabe and Kait.

0:22:390:22:41

Yeah, Kait doesn't actually live here.

0:22:410:22:44

She's more of a hanger-on.

0:22:440:22:45

Can you tell me a little bit more about why you brought me here today?

0:22:450:22:48

-Well, basically, our castle is haunted.

-Really haunted.

0:22:480:22:53

Yeah, we got ghosts coming out of our ears.

0:22:530:22:54

Strange, because in all the hours I've been here,

0:22:540:22:57

I've yet to find any evidence of any haunting.

0:22:570:23:00

Perhaps it's so haunted that even ghosts are scared.

0:23:000:23:03

Or maybe your ghosthunting powers aren't working today,

0:23:030:23:06

or perhaps you never had any at all.

0:23:060:23:08

But the castle is still a great place to visit, I mean,

0:23:080:23:11

we take bookings for weddings, birthday parties, tours...

0:23:110:23:14

Let's explore, shall we?

0:23:140:23:16

And then maybe we shall discover how truly haunted this place really is.

0:23:160:23:21

Ah.

0:23:280:23:29

Oh.

0:23:310:23:32

It's as I suspected.

0:23:360:23:37

There's no evidence of ghosts here either.

0:23:370:23:40

There's not a single hint of the restless dead in this place.

0:23:400:23:45

Personally I don't think you'd be able to spot a ghost

0:23:450:23:48

if there was one right under your nose.

0:23:480:23:50

Even if there was one standing right in front of you.

0:23:500:23:53

I may be a failure as a person,

0:23:530:23:55

but at least I'm not a failure as a ghosthunter.

0:23:550:23:58

Ladies and gentlemen at home, I must apologise.

0:24:000:24:03

Sometimes here on Mostly Haunted we get letters from charlatans

0:24:030:24:07

making false claims, and I believe that this is one such...

0:24:070:24:10

What's going on?

0:24:120:24:13

-Esme.

-Is that your plumbing?

0:24:150:24:16

Mr D, brace yourself, it's about to get funky.

0:24:180:24:21

Cool.

0:24:270:24:28

Finally a ghost.

0:24:330:24:36

See, I told you.

0:24:360:24:37

Who are you, creature of the other world?

0:24:370:24:40

Tell me, spirit, what is it that you want?

0:24:420:24:45

Oh, nothing. I just want to scare you.

0:24:450:24:47

She's back.

0:24:470:24:48

That's my girl.

0:24:540:24:55

OK.

0:25:000:25:02

So I'm not a great superhero.

0:25:020:25:03

But...I did make this cape.

0:25:040:25:07

There's got to be something I can do with it.

0:25:080:25:10

Oh. I know.

0:25:100:25:12

SHE BLOWS

0:25:140:25:15

Roxy!

0:25:170:25:18

So easy to wind up.

0:25:180:25:20

We didn't get any of that. He jumped on me...again!

0:25:230:25:28

But it was really scary. I mean, really scary.

0:25:280:25:32

Boo!

0:25:320:25:33

Well, not all of us can be as unfrightening as my brother.

0:25:370:25:40

Oh. He's a ghost!

0:25:400:25:43

He's rubbish.

0:25:430:25:44

But he's the best at being my big brother.

0:25:440:25:46

And at being our mate.

0:25:460:25:48

-Gabe, don't ever change.

-Or you, Esme.

0:25:480:25:51

CAR HORN BEEPS

0:25:510:25:52

Oh, that's my car.

0:25:520:25:54

I best go and see what I can salvage out of this ghost train wreck.

0:25:540:25:58

Don't you ever get scared, Mr Davenport?

0:25:580:26:00

I live my life in the shadows.

0:26:000:26:03

I've seen things that you can barely comprehend.

0:26:030:26:05

From the strange to the bizarre.

0:26:050:26:08

No, it would take an awful lot to terrify m... M...

0:26:080:26:13

What is that thing?

0:26:130:26:15

It's unnatural. It's terrifying.

0:26:150:26:17

Keep it away from me!

0:26:170:26:18

It's my bearded dragon, Mr Davenport,

0:26:180:26:21

we just want to say hello before you go.

0:26:210:26:23

Argh!

0:26:230:26:26

-Adios, my little friend.

-But it's only Trafford.

0:26:260:26:29

-See you.

-Bye.

0:26:290:26:32

So, the castle got on TV and nobody saw any ghosts.

0:26:340:26:38

Sounds like a winner all round.

0:26:380:26:40

And our secret's safe.

0:26:400:26:41

I knew you'd come back.

0:26:410:26:42

-It's what I'm best at, right?

-Hey.

0:26:420:26:45

What's a few scares between friends?

0:26:450:26:47

In that case...

0:26:470:26:49

Oh-oh!

0:26:490:26:50

Everybody run!

0:26:500:26:53

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0:27:170:27:20

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