It's Not Easy Being Green Dani's House

I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with S.

Spaceship.

Yes.

I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with...S.

-Space.

-Nope!

I spy, with...

What?

No. It's not "space".

Space...capsule.

-No! Give up?

-No. Space...

-station?

-No!

You'll kick yourself when I tell you.

Space...timewarp integration device?

-No.

-OK. Tell me.

Shark.

Where can you see a shark?

You have to SEE it?

What was that for?

HE SIGHS

Hi, my name's Dani, and this is my wonderful...

-I'm Sam - her best friend.

-As I was saying...

I'm her best friend too, Toby.

As I was saying, this is my show.

-Max!

-That's me. I'm her brother.

-Get out of here...

-And I'm his best friend, Ben.

-As I was saying,

my name's Dani, and this is my show.

THEY ALL ARGUE

And...point. And...

point. And...

point. And...

point.

And point. And...point.

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

RINGING CONTINUES

Hi, I'll do it!

Mum, I can't talk right now,

I'm waiting to hear about the funky weather-girl job. Bye!

-For your sake, this better be a dream.

-Oww!

No, it's real.

Wait a sec, let me double-check.

Oww! Yep, definitely real.

-What are you doing in my room, anyway?

-Dusting!

You expect me to believe that?

Ooergh! Yes, but then I expected a quad bike for Christmas...

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hi.

What?

Lynsey Bakewell got the funky weather-girl job?

I've been practising funky pointing to Cornwall!

OK. Fine.

Lynsey Bakewell beat me again. Why?

Because she knows where Cornwall is?

This is turning into a bit of an odd morning.

First Max, now Sam...

What is it with videoing innocent household objects?

Innocent? These plugs can cause a typhoon in India.

Wow. You heard it here first, folks.

Too much reading really can rot your brain.

Is that true, Co-ordinator Zang?

I think, Co-ordinator Zark, it depends what you read.

Ugh...

Sam, no-one is gonna be interested in two plugs and a socket.

Ahh! Two plugs and a socket...

They must be in love.

Wait. He's a 13-amp and she's a 15.

So...?

Trust me. It'll never work.

Wow. This is REALLY boring, Sam.

Hey, guys!

BOTH: OWW!

Leaving chargers plugged in contributes to global warming.

And...you're contributing to global boring.

Me?! Who watched 14 hours of football yesterday?

Er, 15½. I watched another when I got home.

-Do you know how much electricity that is?

-It's the European Championship.

Anyway, how'd you get here? Cycle?

Yes, actually.

-You cycled?

-Oh, when did you get your stabilisers off?

When I started my Reduce Your Carbon Footprint course.

Reduce Your what?

It measures your personal energy use. "Carbon Footprint" sounds more hip!

Ah, cycling.

An archaic mode of transport on two-wheeled machines called "bikes".

Oh, bikes! Remember those?

-No.

-Me neither.

Obviously a stage of transport evolution that passed us by.

I wonder why?

Oh, I really can't think...

-And teenagers are the worst at wasting energy.

-Oh, rubbish.

It's true! Check out my project.

'Hi. I've been measuring the carbon footprint of two average teenagers.'

-Average? Try "exceptional"!

-Try cute - check that hairstyle.

'Yeah, mate. I'm watching the game.

'Dani's house.

'Oh, you should've seen that shot!'

'Could this teenager use any more energy-guzzling devices?'

'Hang on a sec... Yeah?'

'Sadly, it seems he can.'

How can you use so many things at once?

Practice?

'And this is the result.

'Just look at the size of his carbon footprint.'

-It's a yeti!

-Yeah, and here's his big sister...

'..with HER carbon footprint.'

No way.

Cameras can't lie.

'This teenager doesn't even use the energy she's consuming.

'Polar bears could be on the brink of extinction,

'but this girl warms her socks in the tumble dryer.'

You warm your socks in the tumble dryer?

Doesn't everyone?

-How'd you get that stuff, anyway?

-Meet my undercover camera team.

If polar bears are on the brink of extinction,

then you two are over the edge.

'But not ALL teenagers are so irresponsible.

'Take actress and green teen guru Lynsey Bakewell.'

Lynsey Bakewell.

-She got my funky weather-girl job.

-Not surprised.

Great little carbon footprint.

-She campaigns for Save Our Climate Now.

-So?

So she gets to predict funky drizzle over Doncaster, you don't.

-I could be a role model.

-Pfff...

If it means not coming second to Green Cinders again.

-Can I help you?

-Um, yeah. Can you do something with this?

Ooh, nah, can't get the parts.

What parts?

I dunno, it's just something I always say.

Just plugs and points, then?

-It's not a car. This is my image!

-Mm. Bodywork's a bit dented.

-That's cos I'm always coming second.

-Ah, well.

Let's see what we can do.

There ya go. First place!

-In what?

-What's your name?

-Dani...

In the Dani Of The Year contest. In this shop, obviously.

Er... There you go. There's another one.

Best Customer In Shop?

-I'm the ONLY customer.

-Er... Funniest Customer In Shop...

Baddest Customer In Shop...

Happiest... Grumpiest... Only... Baddest... Best.

Is this helping?

Oh, yeah. Tonnes better(!)

-Congratulations - Most Improved Image In Shop.

-Stop it!

These awards are just covering up the dents. I want them to go away.

Ah. Well. That's a rebuild, then. Means you gotta make some changes.

-How? Is there a book or something?

-Oh...

Like, How To Stop Being Second And Start Coming First?

Yeah, exactly.

Sorry, sold that to the last customer.

OK, I really want to do something to save the planet,

and more importantly, my career.

Like...?

Like...giving up the baby's disposable nappies?

-Really?

-Yeah. I mean, washing babies' nappies, how hard can it be?

BABY SQUELCHES AND GURGLES

Or, I could write a blog on recycling and carbon typesetting?

Carbon offsetting.

That too.

-I think climate change makes the human planet interesting.

-I agree.

-The Ice Age was my favourite.

-Boring.

Once you've seen one iceberg, you've seen them all.

But Ice Age 2 had such a great beginning.

-The meteor crashing into the Earth and wiping out the dinosaurs.

-Ooh!

-Classic.

-Typical. You'll watch anything that's got explosions.

That's your carbon footprint?

-I'm surprised you can stand up.

-She's just showing off.

I could beat that if I wanted to.

-No you couldn't.

-Bet I could. Any day.

-OK, you're on.

-Hey!

Wow, I'm impressed. Missing the football's going to really hurt.

No, not today.

You heard him, everyone. A bet's a bet.

I meant a day as in... "a day", not "today".

You know, there's one thing I don't understand with Sam's video.

What, how Sam thinks carbon dioxide emissions damage the ozone layer?

-OK, two things.

-The definition of a greenhouse gas?

-Ok, three things.

How a three degree rise in temperature

-could reverse the Gulf Stream?

-OK, I didn't understand any of it.

But what I really want to know is, what is carbon offsetting?

Carbon offsetting? We learnt about it at school.

Oh yeah... No, nothing.

Instead of cutting your carbon emissions

-you pay someone else to cut theirs.

-Have you explained it yet?

Cos I just heard words.

OK. Say Dani wants three showers a day.

Sorry, I thought you said three showers IN A DAY!

She could pay us NOT to shower, then it would seem like she only had one.

People would pay us not to shower? But I only pretend to, anyway!

< Ben, have you had your shower yet?

I'm taking it now, Mum!

I think we should start...

the B-Max Personalised Carbon Offset Scheme!

-Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Ha-ha!

I don't even know why we're laughing!

Oh, ho-ho! That is highly amusing!

What is carbon offsetting?

It's when humans consume more than their fair share

and pay someone else to plant a tree for them.

Why?

It makes them feel better

when they've done something they think is selfish.

Co-ordinator Zark. I see you've planted a lot of trees.

Is there something you want to tell me?

No. Why?

Buuuuurp!

FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING

-Just checking.

-No problem.

D'you wanna help me with my green webpage?

Yeah, sure. I've got nothing better to do.

-Coordinator, do you think we should go green?

-We already are.

Oh, yes! Well, that was easy!

Hi, I'm Dani! And this is my new Green Team webpage.

OK, if this is the problem...

Yeah, I'm watching the game...

NEEDLES CLICK, THUNDER RUMBLES

..then what's the solution?

Here are today's two top carbon-cutting tips!

Hey, you!

Yes, you!

Mobile phones use electricity.

So why not switch them off?

And talk?

'Talking is fun, why not try? Open your mouth and let the words flow!

'See, isn't this fun?'

MOBILE BLEEPS

And what about those wasteful text messages?

Well what's wrong with good old-fashioned pencil and paper?

Recycled, of course!

'So, pick up a pen, write it all down.

'Instead of pressing send, pass it to your friend!

'And think of the person receiving it.

'Think of what joy it will bring to their lives!

'And then, you can start the whole thing over and over again!

'Think of the hours of endless fun!

'No electricity needed! Oh, how we've laughed!'

What do you think?

That you're not taking this seriously.

It's a fun way of getting the message over!

Things about climate change can be so boring.

Like my video project, you mean?

Uh, no. Your footage was great, once I had gagged it up a bit.

It's about global catastrophe, laughing can't help.

-Well it can't hurt, and it's already helping my career.

-How?

Casting director saw it. I'm up for an ad in Vague.

-Vague? The new green magazine?

-Yeah!

BOTH: For women with more important things on their mind than fashion!

-What's the ad for?

-Organic swimsuits.

Mmmmm. Organic swimsuits, my favourite health food.

Hmmm. Almost as good as these - wholemeal underpants!

-Cue cards?

-Check.

Props?

Check.

Suits?

Check.

-Oh, I'll say.

-Sorry. All they had at the charity shop.

OK, we're going in!

C'mon, let's have a crack, c'mon...

Let's make a pass, come on!

Through ball! Through ball! Oooh!

Toby, still want to reduce your carbon footprint?

Like to reduce unwanted nagging?

-By 100%?

-Or even more!

Not now, boys. The guy opposite is watching Switzerland - Croatia.

Co-ordinator Zang, where is Croatia?

I don't know. But it must be close if he can see it through the window.

Don't give your wife the remote!

Take it off her! That episode of Friends has been on 12 times!

Closed the curtains!

It wouldn't matter if you had...these.

What are they?

B-Max carbon offset pouches.

That's vouchers.

Sorry. Chocolate spread on my cue card.

How much?

Before we talk money...

Have a seat.

Let me ask you this.

Which is more dangerous - a wolf, or a cow?

D'uh...! A wolf?

Only if it eats broccoli curry.

-Because a cow gives off 500 litres of methane a day...

-By farting.

And methane is deadly to the environment.

Far worse than someone watching football, for instance.

"Can I do some kind of trade?" I hear you ask.

What, stop a cow from farting? How?

-You could try a cork.

-Or stop two ten-year-olds eating baked beans.

-We don't fart...

-You watch the football,

net carbon increase in the atmosphere...

"10 quid an hour!" Sorry, turn over to new cue cards...

Zero!

I like it! But ten quid an hour is a bit steep though.

-Call it five.

-Done.

"All right, £2.50."

OK, check out my outfit!

-What's it for?

-The casting!

Do I look cool, committed, like I'd swim with dolphins?

Like you've been shopping with dolphins.

-Was that a yes or a no?

-It's a no.

If you wanna make a point then take back the designer tat

and just wear those wasteful bags.

Sam, that is a fantastic idea. And purple is SO this year's colour.

-I'll change in the taxi.

-A taxi? Very green. Don't forget to offset.

Good point! Silver offsets purple brilliantly.

Go! Go! Use the flanks! Go wide! Defence! Defence, boys!

As I suspected, this football thing really isn't that hard.

Oh!

Help me up, Co-ordinator Zark!

Whoops! Maybe it is that hard.

Go wide! Go wide! Woah-oh!

Knew you couldn't do it. I win!

-No, cos I've got this!

-Huh!

Carbon offset vouchers? That's cheating.

What, cos I won? This is the crazy golf, all over again.

You knocked my ball into the clown's mouth!

All that hot air, not good for the atmosphere.

B-Max? Sounds like a bunch of cowboys.

Hmmm. More like hobbits in really bad suits.

-MOBILE BLEEPS

-Oooh!

Go on! Aw!

What are you doing?

Taking a nap. One hour's extra sleep reduces carbon output by 8%.

Someone has to make sacrifices.

So why are we sitting here freezing again?

W-w-we turned our radiator off so Toby can watch football.

OK. Let's go down to the warm living room and watch it with him.

We can't. We have to save energy we would have actually been using.

Oh, yeah.

-Max?

-Yes?

I want to play Car Crime Derby!

Me too, but we can't. It uses electricity.

I want to see computer-generated cars

causing computer-generated chaos!

Stop it, we can't, all right?

We'll play this.

To take our minds off.

What d'you have to do?

Stop the ball going on the floor, as I remember.

There's gotta be more to it than that.

COMMENTATOR: 1-1 in this match. Time for penalty shoot-out...

MOBILE RINGS Oh! Ooooh, oh!

Max, I know my time's run out but I've run out of money for vouchers.

All right, I'll try.

-Hi, Toby!

-Oh, Dani, gimme a fiver! Please, please, please!

Casting went by me, thanks(!)

Hi, Dani.

Oh, the outfit looks great. Did they like it?

They liked Lynsey Bakewell's better.

-They want her to be cover girl.

-Can't you be carrier-bag girl?

Out of the way, I'm on 191!

-Urgh!

-Sweaty children!

Great way to keep warm. I forgot how much fun it is!

Me too, and I've never played before!

Guys, I'm really not in the mood.

-I'm sorry Lynsey beat you again.

-That's OK.

-Once I met her I realised she's way more committed than I am.

-How?

-She's given up deodorant.

-Urgh, that IS committed!

Woah, think how committed Max must be.

199... Oh! DANI!

OK. You, shower now.

There you are! Here you go, here's your fiver, quick, turn on the TV!

-It's a penalty shoot-out.

-B-Max? Don't be so dumb!

-It still counts!

-No way.

-But it's the European Championship!

Versus the survival of the planet!

-You said you could do without football.

-Uuuuh...

Right, but if we're doing this, we're going carbon zero, right now.

No heating, no lighting and of course, no computers.

-How am I meant to write my project?

-Uh, no football, no project.

No heating?

This may take a while,

you might wanna look at some pretty pictures.

MICROWAVE PINGS

That was the microwave, wasn't it?

No. It was me practising.

-Practising what?

-Practising going "ping".

PING!

What's in the mug?

Water.

Smells like soup.

There's soup in the water?

Do you have any environment-friendly food, please?

We have Bio Burgers, Carbon Free Cola, Rainforest Gateaux.

-Great, I'll take a Coke and a burger, please.

-Coming up.

Mmmm! Delicious! It tastes just like a normal burger.

-And it looks just... This is a normal burger, isn't it?

-Yeah.

But I thought you said it was environment friendly?

No, I just changed its name.

The cola really is carbon free though.

-It's flat.

-Yeah, I opened it yesterday.

Have you got anything green?

Only the lettuce.

-Looks a bit tired.

-So would you if you'd just flown in from Africa.

Just a tap water, please. Thanks.

Can we put the heating on yet? It's like Wisteria in here.

-That's Siberia.

-Whatever.

No heating, no lighting, no project. Sooner or later, she's gonna crack.

Not me. I'm still writing it in my head.

And I've stockpiled emergency provisions.

Oooh! Guys, this is too hard! We can't go carbon zero. It's not us!

-Speak for yourself, I'm not giving up!

-Me neither!

It's not a competition! Can't we compromise?

-I'm willing to compromise...

Not as much as I am!

-OK, I'll start. I'm gonna remember to turn things off.

-Me too.

No, you're gonna stop multi-tasking. One appliance at a time.

Ha!

And you're gonna stop video-spying.

Ha!

-I'm a journalist!

-Then get a pad and pencil!

-That is so old school.

-Sam?

-OK.

Toby?

OK.

There! That wasn't so hard, was it?

There goes a great business.

At least we'll never have to play this again.

Football, anyone?

'That was a truly incredible ending to this spectacular European Cup!'

Anyone for a game of catch?

Woooooaaaaaaah!

-Oh!

-Oh, ho-ho! Another fine show, today!

And a good recipe. B-O Burger.

I think you'll find that's Bio Burger.

Ah. Why are humans so worried about energy?

They're running out of natural resources.

Don't they know you can run cars on hair gel?

Yes. Or fuel power stations with celebrity magazines.

Shall we tell them?

Uh...not yet.

I'm reading all the celebrity goss.

OK. No hurry.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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