Celebrity Dani's House

ALARM SOUNDS

Ah! Auto-pilot successfully engaged!

Excellent work, Coordinator Zang. Now, could you do it all again?

-Why?

-I forgot to press record.

-What are you doing with the camera?

-I thought I'd go for a wide shot,

then come in close, maybe go tight at the end,

and this time, could you be more natural?

Why are you filming me?

Oh, I've been so inspired by the human Dani show

I thought we could make our own!

-We'll call it Zark And Zang!

-That's a preposterous idea!

Terrible! Never heard such nonsense!

But a show called Zang And Zark, now that might work.

Hi, my name's Dani, and this is my wonderful...

-I'm Sam!

-Oi!

-Her best friend.

-As I was saying...

-I'm her best friend, too, Toby!

As I was saying, this is my show. MAX!

That's me! I'm her brother.

-Get out of it...

-And I'm his best friend, Ben.

As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this is my show.

-It's not your show!

-Well, it is...!

THEY ALL ARGUE

Hey!

Ta-dah!

Yes, to the dress. No, to the comedy platforms.

-Seconded.

-Yeah, thirded.

BABY GARGLES

But you definitely think this is the dress?

One that expresses my personality, yet retains a hint of mystery.

-Says subtle yet stylish.

-Makes your bum look like J-Lo's.

Oh! This is the dress!

You must be so excited, your first award nomination,

AND for Best Actress, no less!

-Well...

-Paid for by your peers, voted by your admirers,

recognised for your hard work.

-Well, it's...

-What an honour!

-Well...

I've not thought of it like that!

-I was just looking forward to free food!

-There's gonna be free food?!

-Woo-hoo!

-Now I'm nervous. Gee, Sam!

It's OK to be nervous, it's a big night for you.

I suppose. And whatever happens, at least I have my best buds with me!

You sure will,

and I'm touched that you've used your two guest passes on us.

Wouldn't wanna share my big moment with anyone else!

And if I win this trophy,

-it belongs as much to you guys as to me.

-Aw, that's so sweet!

-Group hug!

-Course, it'll only have my name on it!

Humans certainly do strange things to communicate affection.

Agreed. Tentaclising is so much more enjoyable.

Shall we?

TOGETHER: Mmmmm!

Mmmmmmm!

-You're one weird kid.

-Aw, thanks!

Anyway, better get Max's lunch.

If his milk shake's any warmer than three degrees below room temperature,

he'll start to foam at the mouth.

Well, I'm sorted. We've gotta get you two looking red carpet-tastic

if we're gonna get our picture in the paper!

If we do, I hope it's the Grimsby Bungee Club News. My Nan gets that.

She likes the pictures.

Forget local. I'm talking national, my face across the country.

You can't buy publicity like that,

but I've got three hours to improve my chances.

-Why, have you got a hot date later?

-I wish.

-My friend Molly's coming round.

-Molly from your acting class?

-Yep.

She was fried egg, I was toast,

we bonded laughing at the girl playing ketchup.

No, sequins scare me.

-Although they're plastic, the gold's conductive.

-A simple "no" will do!

Then no. So didn't Molly move abroad?

Yeah. Poor girl couldn't get hired for dog shampoo over here,

so she moved to America.

Last I heard she was trying for some cable show. Hey!

It's fine, I'll just wear my red skirt and black shirt.

-The science shirt?

-It's not a science shirt,

and last time I wore it I got a lot of compliments.

Weren't you at a chemistry convention?

BOTH: It's a science shirt.

SHE RINGS BELL

Good morning, good evening, good afternoon, how can I help ya?

-My friend's style dial is broken.

-I'm not familiar with that,

is it one of those new fangled, dangled Japanese gadgets?

No. Style dial, style radar -

it's that thing that separates the cool and sophisticated

from those who would wear this.

"What do you do with dead atoms? Barium."

I, uh...see your problem.

Luckily I know a thing or two about fashion.

Bring your friend in. I'll get the alterations done on that style dial,

-and have her looking as fabulous as us in no time.

-Us?

Uh, I don't think so.

Wait! You haven't even seen my sequin leg-warmers!

They're to die for!

Sorry, Sam, this is all I could find in Mum's wardrobe.

BABY LAUGHS

"Make Sam kool"?

TV: 'Are you dynamic? A go-getter? The guy everyone else wants to be?

'If not, for just £160 the Dress For Success Trouser Press will...'

..Never be yours. Right, I'm clearing this room of rubbish.

So, get lost.

-You're cleaning up?

-It's not that amazing.

It's so amazing that if you told me you'd been abducted by aliens

and put to work on their spaceship, I'd believe that more.

All this talk of aliens abducting humans really gets my boat.

Goat. The human expression is "get my goat",

but I agree with the sentiment.

Thank you, Coordinator Zark. Us aliens get such a bad rap.

But we haven't abducted any humans.

-Well, not for a while, anyway.

-Exactly.

And we returned the last ones,

you dropped them off on your last recon mission.

No, YOU dropped them off on your way back from the Pluto snack run.

BOTH: Oops!

You must really want to impress this Molly person,

if you wanna do all this.

Yeah, the only appliance I've ever seen you use is the iron,

and that was to straighten your hair. She must be pretty special.

Don't get me wrong, Molly's great,

-but I haven't seen her since...

-HOOVER STARTS >

-I said vacuum the stairs, not hairs!

-Shall I turn the vacuum off, then?

Keep it down, Fartface, and don't scrimp on the wax!

Wanna see my reflection in these floors.

Probably wanting paying, next.

Anyway, where was I...?

Oh yeah, Molly.

Thing is, I feel sorry for her.

Moving all that way to LA and still not making it. Must be tough.

I think she sees our friendship as her last link to showbusiness.

So, if she's not all that, why do all this?

Just because Molly's struggling

doesn't mean I want her to think I'm not successful.

And on that note,

do you think you guys can be a little less like you guys?

OK, who d'you want us to be, then?

You, but...not you, if you get my drift.

-What she means is, don't embarrass her.

-Yep!

And no, just being...cool.

Charming! So what happened to, "You're my best friends",

-"My win is your win"?

-Still stands!

Just if you could be more sophisticated

and a little less odd bestest friends, I'd really appreciate it!

APPLAUSE

So my next contestant is Dani!

So, Dani, I hear you're in the acting business.

Tell us what that's like!

-Well...

-Ha-ha-ha! Isn't that marvellous, folks?!

Give her a big hand!

APPLAUSE

So, Dani, let's remind everyone what you can win tonight on the...

# Wheel of Friendship! #

Thanks, girls! Aren't they terrific?

So, tonight's star prize if you spin the win is,

you get to keep your own best friends!

So go on, Dani! Spin...that...whe-e-e-e-l!

MUSICAL JINGLE, WHEEL CLICKS

-AUDIENCE: Aaaaaw!

-You don't go home empty-handed,

you go home with the consolation prize, a grumpy granny!

BOOING

# Wheel of Friendship! #

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Ooh!

That's Molly! How do I look? Ooh, don't mention the award ceremony.

My career may be streets ahead of Molly's

but I wouldn't want to rub her nose in it.

-Hi!

-Hello!

Mwah! Mwah!

-Molly, meet my friends! Sam...

-Sam, that's a great name!

Sam, uh, bu... Short for Samantha! But everyone just calls me Sam.

Named after my great grandmother, Samantha Jane Brown!

And, uh...Toby!

-So, how was your, uh...

-MOBILE RINGS

Oh! Better take it, it's my agent!

I said less odd, less! What is wrong with you two?!

What's wrong with us? What's wrong with YOU?!

Why didn't you tell us you were friends with Mo White?

How do you know Molly's surname?

Because she's, like, super-duper, face-on-your-T-shirt famous.

-For what?

-Tons of things!

You know the American reality show you refuse to watch

-because you think it's rude?

-Strictly Come Line Dancing.

-She presents it.

-And that other show, The Y-Front Factor!

-BOTH: "We've got the Y-Front Factor, do you?!"

-Ssssh!

So, your agent, eh?! Estate agent?

No, TV agent, about a job!

Not another dog shampoo gig!

No, although I do get to work with animals.

It's the Pet Oscars, and Zac Efron's hamster is up for best actor!

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello? ..Cute top!

-She touched you!

SHE TALKS ON PHONE

I can't be the only person who didn't know Molly was famous!

BIRDS CHIRP

Oh, Mo White! I can't believe it,

-she's one of my favourite human prototypes!

-Me too!

This show just keeps getting better and better!

Waaaaah!

-Mo White, in my house! Aaaaah!

-Aaaaah!

You don't know who she is, do you?

That woman who likes apples and works with small people!

That's Snow White! Goodbye!

I'm sorry! Forgot to mention this was home to the criminally insane.

MOBILE RINGS Oh, sorry! Hello?

-It's a surprise that, uh, Mo is...

-So nice. I know.

Oh, I can talk again!

And I don't feel the need to spout some obscure fact!

So you're feeling less star struck.

Probably realising she's just a normal person.

Johnny! Johnny Depp, how are you?

Am I the man, or am I the man?!

I dunno who the man is!

It's just a saying, Ben.

That shopping channel woman was right!

Every man should carry a nose trimmer for nasal hair emergencies?

No, "Dress for success."

Seeing Mo downstairs, knowing what she's achieved,

I realise I'm aiming too low. I've gotta push myself!

-Become a go-getter.

-GUITAR WAILS

I want to be the guy everyone else wants to be!

Spongebob Squarepants?

The guy who invented microwave pizza!

Oh yeah!

But every new venture requires money.

And I know just where to get mine.

EVIL LAUGHTER

Ha-ha-ha! Ha-ha?!

OK, this is me in my garden, I know it's not as big as some,

but I did need to leave room for the hot tub and swimming pool.

Did you know the average swimming pool in Phoenix, Arizona,

-collects around 20 pounds of dust a year?

-No way!

Because my pool picks up stuff too.

Mainly leaves, but it's a real pain to clean!

Sam, you know some pretty cool stuff!

So what if she's rich, famous and beautiful.

She probably works so hard she has no time to enjoy it.

And that's me at Paris's Wednesday party. She throws one every week!

-They're a real hit.

-Paris Hilton?

-Mm-hmm.

OMG.

Coordinator Zark, is it a good thing to be famous?

Certainly! You're invited to the best parties

with other famous beings, and people send you underwear

-and pictures of themselves even when they don't know you.

-Right.

In that case, I want to be famous.

How do I do that?

Hmmm... Do you possess a unique talent that would inspire adoration

and mass hysteria in teenage girls?

Do I ever! They don't call me Zippity Zang for nothing!

# Oh, ho-ho, wow Yup-pap-ah, yup-pap-ah

# Ooooaw Everybody now!

# Oooooh... #

I'm not comparing, but Molly - "Mo" - has a Malibu home,

superstar neighbours, a glamorous job that pays squillions,

and what have I got?

The thing is, maybe I'm not meant to be an actress.

Maybe there's another job out there I should be doing.

If there is, please don't let it involve being nice to children!

-Ooh!

-I want a remote controlled car complete with a turbo engine,

booster bumpers, and a spill-resistant coffee cup holder.

You're six, what do you need a coffee cup holder for?

I don't! But I want one, and if I don't get one,

I am going to...A-A-A-ARGH!

OK, OK! Big wheels, coffee cup holder. Got it!

-How many more?

-3,464.

This is a no-go area

for anyone's name that starts with "M" and ends in "ax".

We won't be long, we just wanna ask for a few autographs.

No chance. She's already got enough people hassling her.

LAUGHTER

She definitely sounds hassled.

Look, whatever.

I just don't see why everyone's going gooey over a TV presenter.

It's all right, Dani. It's not like she's a proper actress, like you.

Didn't you say she couldn't get a job in a dog food ad?

Shampoo. Dog shampoo ad.

She couldn't even get hired to play a flea!

But you, you would have played that flea with flair and passion!

People would have wept!

So what's fame, success and money, without talent, eh?

All right, Max. You've helped to put everything into perspective.

-That's what cute little brothers are for. So can we...?!

-Not a chance!

You gotta give the boy points for trying, though.

Hello? Working undercover, here!

Sorry, Dani, I've been having so much fun I've forgotten to ask about you!

-So, what's up in Dani-land?

-The usual, hanging out, buying shoes,

-getting nominated for a Best Actress award...

-Oh, that is brilliant!

-I always knew you'd be winning awards!

-You did?

With your talent? Of course!

-What's the awards? The Oscars? SAG? TV Choice?

-Oh, eh, um...

It's not important.

BAF...WA's...

-What was that? I thought he said...

-BAFWA.

-Yes!

-No! No...

Did he mean BAFTA?

No, Dani's been nominated for a BAFWA.

The British Academy of Footwear Advertising Awards, it's tonight.

Dani's favourite to win for her portrayal in a slipper commercial!

That is so rad! Your publicist must be thrilled!

My publicist? Oh, yeah... yeah, she is.

We're hoping I get my picture in the paper.

Which I am bound to do if you come with me!

Dani, I would love to. Let me check my diary!

So which one of us two are you planning to drop

-seeing as you only have two guest passes?

-Please don't say me!

I've never had a free meal at an awards ceremony before!

Don't get all uppity.

I'm not the one who's swallowed an encyclopaedia,

or is acting like a tongue-tied teenager.

No, you're acting like a superficial groupie.

Enhancing my career doesn't make me superficial.

I'm disappointed you can't see that.

Well I'm disappointed in you.

Me too.

-WHISPERS:

-Unless you drop Sam!

Taking Mo would be a good move for me.

-Fine, I'll drop out.

-Woo-hoo! I mean, um...thanks.

It makes sense. I didn't have a glam outfit, anyway.

I'm sorry, Sam. Promise I'll make it up to you!

-Great news! I can make it!

-So you found a window in your diary, then?

I seem to have misplaced that, but I rang my agent

and I don't have anything on.

We're gonna have a blast!

-Let's find you an outfit.

-What's wrong with this?

Darling, Madonna wore it last year.

Ooh! Sucks to be you, right now!

Nah. I'm not cut out for those glitzy red carpet do's.

I know it's what Dani wants,

but for me, real achievement is doing something life-changing.

Ooh, I know what you mean!

I've always wanted to invent a shirt that doesn't need buttons.

-Then my life would be perfect.

-I think that's a T-shirt,

-and you're wearing one.

-Oh.

Hmm. My life IS perfect!

Lucky you! No, my dream is to do something amazing.

Like splitting the atom, inventing the wheel, making a difference.

-EAST EUROPEAN ACCENT:

-I'm almost done.

Any minute now I will have created the greatest invention

mankind will ever know!

HAMMERING

DRILLING

It's finished!

Oh, Master!

I can't wait to see what your ingenious, cunning, creative...

-Don't forget "brilliant".

-..brilliant mind has come up with!

It's incredible! Amazing! Unfathomable!

-What is it?

-I have no idea.

-Ta-dah!

-I'm thinking...no.

Me too! You're so funny, Dani!

So, you're rich, successful, gorgeous,

have a pool that isn't inflatable,

what's it like to have the perfect life?

Not so perfect. The paparazzi follow me everywhere.

Can't believe I managed to slip away this morning.

People calling your name, wanting your picture, sounds dreadful(!)

I so envy you, being able to nip out without brushing your hair,

whenever you want!

Envy me? There's something seriously wrong with you, you need help.

Ooh! I'm a really good hypnotist!

-Well, not REALLY good, but...

-I've already got one.

-And a psychotherapist, and of course, there's Mr Singh.

-Your guru?

No, my pet psychiatrist! Poochie has a fear of loud noises.

He's worked wonders with him!

I know, but that's Hollywood! It's not real life.

Not like what you have with your friends.

Yeah. Sam and Toby are great. But they're not in showbiz.

-They don't have the same pressures we do.

-But you guys seem so close.

-It so hard to make real friends when you're famous.

-True.

-Although I'm hoping after tonight I'll have a better idea!

-Oh yeah!

The BAFWAs, your big night! Let's get you ready!

That's strange. I seem to have lost my comb,

my lipstick, and my verruca cream!

That's one pool I won't be swimming in!

I can't imagine how I lost them!

CAMERA CLICKS

Thank you, cyberspace!

Our online auction of Mo's stuff is gonna make us rich!

The diary's had a thousand bids!

Lucky I phoned all our friends and told them the objects are real,

and Mo's really here!

You told them she was here?

No...

I'm sure it'll be fine.

And for once our plan won't affect Dani.

We make stacks of cash and she can't complain.

Oh, good, you're here.

So are you! I thought you might have left after, you know...

-Oh, I was going to but...

-Uh, uh...

-Oh, you're gonna have to translate.

There's a small problem. Outside.

Got a smile for the camera, love?!

-They've found me!

-All those, for you?

-That's pretty good.

You should have seen it when I changed my hair colour.

-They went crazy!

-Uh, wh... Uh...ed...

-He loved you as a redhead.

-Oh, thanks!

But how did they find me?

The only place I wrote where I was going, was my diary.

Which, by coincidence, has gone missing!

I've got a good idea where it went.

Give me more, make that scarf come alive! Work that scarf!

If it isn't America's Next Top Bimbo.

You are gonna be grounded for so long

you'll be walking with a Zimmer frame

-when Mum finds out you're stealing.

-Stealing?

-That's a bit of a stretch.

-Ben's wearing that scarf for fun, is he?

-You've put Mo's diary for sale online, haven't you?

-No!

Maybe. OK, yes.

But it's not like a proper diary with personal stuff in.

-Not like Dani's!

-..Would be! If you ever sold your memoirs.

-What's the big deal?

-Look outside.

SHOUTING

-BOTH: Cool!

-Not cool!

I don't know how we're gonna get to the BAFWAs with that lot!

You twerps have ruined my big night!

Wait till I get my hands on you! Come back here!

Did two small, annoying kids come in here?

-Greetings, valued customer!

-Yeah, hi, hello. Whatever!

-Um, have you seen them?

-Certainly! Would you like fries with that?

Or how about a shake? I'll give you free straws.

I'm not here for food, I'm looking for two pint-size pains in the butt.

I'm sorry, I can't discuss other customers.

It's against company rules.

What if I make it worth your while? Like, say, order a burger.

And to go with that?

Small fries and a cola.

You mean large fries, milk shake and a side of onion rings?

-So, have you seen them?

-No. But have a nice day now!

-You OK?

-Apart from having my future totally ruined, I'm great(!)

-Where's Mo?

-Not here, obviously, as you're forming proper words.

I think she's on the phone trying to figure out an exit plan.

I can't believe I'm gonna miss my first ever award ceremony.

So you're gonna chuck in the whole night

cos your famous friend can't make it? That's pathetic.

You're right. I've been so obsessed with this celebrity thing

-I've lost track of what's important.

-Please say the free meal.

-No, me.

And my best friends having a night out on the town!

But I've blown that.

Toby's right. You can't look a gift horse in the mouth.

-Especially if it's been eating garlic.

-So...you'll come?

-Yay!

-Woo-hoo!

Hang on, what we gonna do about Mo?

A-hem!

-Wow!

-Pretty impressive!

-I'd buy it.

It's like looking in the mirror!

I'm not nominated for Best Actress for nothing!

So, where are they?

Ladies! You look lovely.

Please don't make us do this!

The crime must fit the punishment!

Mum wanted to ground you but I wanted you to do this.

BOTH: Sorry, Mo!

We're sorry but we have to stop the auction for Mo's stuff online

as we don't actually own them. So please stop bidding. OK?

Hi, Mum!

Ben's enjoying this a little bit too much.

That should win an award for best entertainment value.

Speaking of awards, we'd better get a move on.

Who knows who long it will take to get through that lot!

-Toby, have you got the dress?

-Mm-hmm.

-Good.

-And you're sure you don't mind babysitting?

-Are you kidding?

A chance to put my feet up, and hang out with these two gorgeous guys?!

It'll be a breeze. BABY CRIES

By the time the paps figure out that you're not me,

I'll have escaped, dropped the boys off, and the baby, to Ben's house!

Thank you!

If you've stolen so much as a toenail clipping from Mo...

After that performance, I'll be keeping a low profile online

for...probably, ever.

And they did give me back all my stuff.

Apart from the tissue. We just couldn't get that back.

Mmmmm!

You know, I really thought I wanted your life.

And now you don't, cos you've seen fame ain't all it's cracked up to be?

No, I'm pretty sure I still want it,

but at least I'll have my friends there for the ride.

Who else is gonna hold my stuff while I sign autographs?

C'mon, there's an award with my name on it!

-Good luck!

-Break a leg.

-Merry Christmas!

SHOUTING

The nominations for Best Performance in a Footwear Commercial are -

MICROPHONE FEEDBACK

Hilga Heimlich in "Kitten Heels".

APPLAUSE

Samuel Swann's upbeat performance in "Flip Flops on a Sunny Day".

APPLAUSE

And lastly,

Dani's moving portrayal of a tired foot finding the perfect slipper.

APPLAUSE

And the winner is...

Dani!

APPLAUSE

Oh! Thank you so much! I can't believe it!

Ever since my first acting role in a fire-drill demo...

-Uh, that's all we have time for!

-Wh..? I haven't finished yet!

I just love awards ceremonies! So much pomp and funny clothing!

-Do you agree, Coordinator Zang?

-I do, Coordinator Zark.

So, this should make you happy.

COMPUTER BLEEPS

-Oh, what's that for?

-An awards ceremony, on our ship.

-I'm being honoured too!

-What for?

I've been voted the winner of Most Popular Alien on the Galaxonia.

But that's this ship.

Well that is clearly nonsense. I am the most popular alien on this ship.

I think you'll find I won the vote!

What vote? On whose authority?

All right, I admit...

COMPUTER BLEEPS

..that I am now, and definitely, the most popular alien onboard!

'Yes, but who's going to give you your award?!'

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's ride this wave right out to sea

# I will be...breaking free. #

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