Toby No-Mates Dani's House


Toby No-Mates

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Ooh, Dani's House.

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SHE CRUNCHES LOUDLY

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Could you eat those any louder?

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Ooh, I don't know. I'll try.

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SHE CRUNCHES LOUDER

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Oh, I can. Who knew?

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Hi, my name's Dani and this is my wonderful...

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-I'm Sam,

-Oi!

-..Her best friend.

-As I was saying,

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-I'm her best friend too, Toby.

-As I was saying, this is my show... Max!

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-That's me. I'm her brother.

-Get out of it.

-And I'm his best friend, Ben.

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As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my show.

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THEY ALL ARGUE AT ONCE

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-Hi, out there. My name is...

-Dani!

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Well, you'd think I wouldn't need any help with that by now.

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Sam, could you not interrupt while I'm trying to talk

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-to these lovely people.

-It's about to start.

-Bye!

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-Toby...

-It's starting!

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Ooh, ooh! Come on, you...!

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-'Orlando Bloom suffered massive...'

-Orlando Bloom?

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Oh, I know. He's fit.

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Different kind of fitness there, Toby.

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Why am I watching this?

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-It's a documentary.

-We thought you might want to.

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"Top ten fittest guys".

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"Documentary" makes it sound more educational.

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Guys, this is terrible.

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Tell me about it! Matt Damon down two places.

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BOTH: Ohh!

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I hang out with you two way too much.

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-I'm going to watch the match with the guys.

-OK.

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BOTH: What guys?

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You know... There's...You Know and...You Know.

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Wow. You've got a lot of friends called You Know, don't you?

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Oh, no.

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Is that You Know's brother?

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I don't think I've got any mates who are guys.

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TOBY RINGS BELL

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Good evening, good morning, good afternoon.

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What can I do you for? Apart from that hair.

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Can I get an upgrade for my phone?

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You know, make it bit more of a guy phone. Uh,

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ten megapixel... Wi-fi, 3G... Mp3, mp4. All the latest smart...

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That's...not an upgrade, that's a brick.

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The I-Brick. They'll be all the rage this time last year. Mark my words.

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Um, I'll be a laughing stock.

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LOUD CRASH >

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Well, there's the I-Shoe.

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The I-Plug.

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The Iron. Ha! See what I did there?

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I put the I in front of the iron to make... No?

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I want one that doesn't embarrass me and shows me in a good light.

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The I-Torch!

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I'll take it.

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Guy... Chico... Chicken Drumstick.

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You've got a friend called Chicken Drumstick?

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-OK, I might have made that up.

-No(!)

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-What about the guys you play football with?

-Oh, I gave that up.

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Boots kept getting really muddy.

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-What's the big deal? You haven't any guy friends.

-Shh, someone might hear.

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-Who, like Chicken Drumstick?

-Right, d'you know what?

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I'm rejoining the team, mud or no mud.

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If I leave now I can pick up my kit from the dry cleaners.

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DOOR SLAMS

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We've gotta do something about this.

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Tell me about it... Why?

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Because we're his best friends. What if we're to blame?

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We've taken him out of his natural,

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guy habitat and raised him as one of our own,

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like a panda from the Serengeti.

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It's our responsibility to put him back in the jungle

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before his tale gets shanked by the other amphibians.

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You don't watch many wildlife documentaries, do you?

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MUSIC: "Little Green Bag" by George Baker Selection

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Why are you looking like the cat who ate the cream?

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I'm not. I'm the cat who ate the cream, the fish and the dead mouse.

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Urgh, gross.

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Benny here just brought his new computer game over,

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-and I literally beat him at his own game.

-Yes, I am such a loser.

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And the winner gets to order the loser about. Watch this.

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MAX WHISTLES

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Giddy up, Ben.

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Whoa there, horse boy.

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Ben, Max isn't better than you.

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You're both equally annoying amoebas.

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In fact you might have the edge.

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Huh?

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Repeat after me...

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I am the better amoeba. I am the better amoeba.

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I am the better amoeba.

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I give up.

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Kicking, elbowing, throwing the ball at you.

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I'm gonna stick to football as it was meant to be.

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Watched on a plasma screen with a bag of nachos.

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What's going on?

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You are so going to thank us for this.

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Why is it whenever you say that, I get really nervous?

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-You're welcome! We...

-We're auditioning friends for you!

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-Sam, that was my news!

-We've fly posted the whole area,

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everybody knows about it.

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Dani's idea.

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Dani, what did you write on that poster?

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"Toby no-mates needs...mates?"

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No.

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Come on,

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they'll be here soon. You can be Simon Cowell, I'll be Dannii.

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-And you can be Sharon!

-Why can't I be Dannii?

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Because your name's Sam?

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Oh, I see. Just because your name is Dani... COUGH >

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you automatically have to be...

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Excuse me, can't you see the judges are arguing here?

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-Oh yeah, we're meant to do that after the auditions.

-Yah.

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Let the auditions begin!

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-So, tell us why you want to be Toby's friend.

-Well...

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For some reason, none of my mates

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want to go midnight grave-digging with me.

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Next!

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And then I said to Dad...

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"Has Gramps really gone to the great big betting shop in the sky?"

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THEY CRY HYSTERICALLY

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Next.

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Hi.

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BOTH: Hi.

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Ow!

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Is it hot in here all of a sudden, or is it just you?... I mean me.

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Ow!

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What are you going to do for us today, Orlando? Oh, I mean...Jack.

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-A soliloquy.

-A silly what?

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"To be...or not to be.

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"That is the question.

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"Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings..."

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-BELL RINGS ON MOBILE

-Next!

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-Why?

-What's wrong with him?

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I want someone to watch football with, not quote Oliver Twist.

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-Hamlet.

-Oh, is he next?

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Let the battle commence.

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'Three...

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'Two...

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'One.'

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EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE

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I win. Next.

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'Three... Two...

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'One.'

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EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE

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I win. Next.

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THINKS: 'I am the better amoeba,

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'I am the better amoeba. I am the better amoeba.'

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COMPUTER: 'Three...

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'Two...

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'One.'

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EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE

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I...lose?

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I won... I won... I won!

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I won! I won!

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I beat you, I won!

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I CAN beat you.

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Just cos you beat me,

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doesn't mean I've changed.

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-HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-Does it?

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What was wrong with that one? He'd make a great friend.

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Uh... Did you see how close his eyes were?

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Might as well have had one gigantic eye in the middle of his forehead.

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Don't you think you're being just a little bit too choosy?

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I was going for plenty choosy.

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Maybe that's why you can't get any new mates.

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Hey, I can get new mates, OK?

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It's just, a girl can't choose a guy's mates for him,

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otherwise they'd all be called Johnny or Brad or Orlando.

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Don't diss the Orlando!

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-Sorry.

-Accepted.

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Look, OK, I'm a guy.

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Oh! Oww, that hurt.

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Good timing.

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A girl can't choose a guy's mates, OK?

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Ha, ha! Missed!

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Oh!

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THEY LAUGH

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-Co-ordinator Zarg, what is a guy?

-A guy is a species of human

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that can often be found, for example,

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loudly expelling vile gases known as farts. Why?

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-No reason.

-ZARK FARTS

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I'm guessing I must be a guy.

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-Girls can't choose a guy's mates?

-She's still slightly fuming

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over Toby's earlier comment.

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We tried to help Toby and it didn't work, we should leave him to it now

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and just moo-oove on.

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You're not really moo-ooving on, are you?

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I'll take that as a no. Look, Dani, we can't force a friend on Toby.

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The whole point of making friends is the unexpected.

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-One burger surprise, please.

-One burger surprise!

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Oh, and can you hold the gherkin?

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One burger surprise, hold the gherkin!

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And can I add cheese to that, please?

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One burger surprise, hold the gherkin, add cheese.

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Oh, and onions. Sorry. Almost forgot the onions.

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One burger surprise, hold the gherkin, add cheese,

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don't forget the onion.

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That will be £79, miss.

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Uh, but it says 79p in here.

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Surprise! Cracks me up every time. Heh! Heh! Heh!

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-I told you, I let you win.

-Yeah, right, oink, flap, oink, flap.

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-What?

-The sound of pigs flying.

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Oh! I'm smart!

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No, you're not...sort of thing.

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Fish food. Pond life.

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What?

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Have you seen Toby?

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What? Have I got something on my nose or something?

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Oh...right.

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You breathe a word of this

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to Toby and it'll be the last word you breathe to anyone.

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-OK.

-OK.

-Pick that up.

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Is there something different about you?

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-HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-No.

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What you said to me about being a better amoeba than Max

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turned me into a lean, mean, fighting machine. Watch.

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Max? HE WHISTLES

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To your room, giddy up.

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How do I look?

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-You look great.

-Superb.

-Fantastic.

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-Who is he?

-I have no idea.

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So Toby doesn't think girls can find mates for a guy.

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Well, surprise! He is never gonna recognise me.

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-Dani?

-Well, when I said never...

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Oh, sorry, I thought you were Dani.

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Never.

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All right? How's it going?

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It's going OK, I think.

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You're here for the auditions, right? Trust me,

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you haven't missed much. Bunch of losers.

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Yeah, losers.

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Sorry, um... Toby.

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And you are...?

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Daa... Dan.

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Nice to meet you, Daa-aan.

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Say, I don't suppose you're a footy fan?

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Am I? I watch it, I play it, I eat it.

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-All right, maybe I don't eat it.

-Who do you support?

-Oh, er...

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You know, the ones that play in that lovely salmon pinky colour...get me?

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-TOBY LAUGHS

-You're a funny guy!

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(Oww!)

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Why do male humans feel the need to punch one another, like this?

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Search me. Thank goodness we evolved from such primitive behaviour, eh?

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Ow, that hurt.

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Well... Just replace it.

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Oh! I'd forgotten we had spares.

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Use the flank!

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-Oh, come off it, ref!

-Oh yeah, come off it, ref.

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Why's he coming off it again?

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Ha, ha! You're a really funny guy.

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So, er, when's the interval then?

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Interval?

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-Oh, half-time?

-Yeah, that as...well.

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Oh, come on! What was that? My nan could do better than that.

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Yeah...and my little brother an-and the baby from hell.

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-Toby, have you seen Dani anywhere?

-Oh!

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-Oh! No!

-Toby?

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Toby?

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Planet Earth to Toby?

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Toby!

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'Planet Earth to Toby'

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Planet Eboonerastawis to Toby.

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'Oh, Sam.'

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Oh, yes! It worked! Oh, ho!

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-Have you seen Dani?

-I think I heard her come in earlier.

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Oh, Sam. This is a new mate of mine...who I found myself.

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-Sam, meet Dan...the man.

-Oh.

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Nice to meet you, Dan the...man.

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Yeah.

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-Nice to meet you, like...darlin'.

-DANI BURPS

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Ha, ha! You're mad, you are.

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-He's mad, he is.

-He is, isn't he?

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So...Dan. You're a local...boy?

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Yeah...could say that... like...bruv.

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And he likes football, although he obviously doesn't play it, or...

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-Go to matches...

-Kick the ball in the thing!

-..Just like me.

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-Oh, I can't wait for Dani to meet him.

-No, neither can I.

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So I can rub her nose in it. That I found a friend without her help.

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-Why don't I go get her now?

-No!

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I mean, no. I mean...go to the shops to...buy hair gel,

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that's what I'm going to do.

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-Well, Toby can lend you some, can't you Tobes?

-Tobes?

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-Bye!

-What? But... Oh.

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I wanted to prove Dani wrong.

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Oh, trust me, Dani would have been beside herself to have met "Dan".

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-BOTH: Ah! It's Dani.

-'I know...'

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Sam said not to...but it worked, I proved Toby wrong.

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Girls can find mates for guys and Toby's none the wiser.

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Actually, Toby's always none the wiser.

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-All right! I won't tell.

-What's wrong with you?

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You caved in quicker than one of Mum's souffles.

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Just, now that Ben can whup me, I've lost that X-factor

0:17:270:17:31

that makes me Max.

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So now you're just M-A. Ma.

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-HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-I'm Ma.

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I'm sure it's not as bad as that.

0:17:410:17:44

Max, I need a piggy back >

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to the toilet... Now! >

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Please, you gotta help me beat him. He's a nightmare.

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Hmm. Let me think.

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Hmm...

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No.

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I'm your big sister, Max, and this is for big sisters everywhere,

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that have to put up with babysitting their kid brother.

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Say I'm smarter than you.

0:18:050:18:07

-Gimme back my money, I know you stole it.

-How dare you?

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This is so not over, Dani.

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Snooze, ya lose.

0:18:130:18:16

Give me all your birthday presents.

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-Fire!

-Argh!

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SQUELCH

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Max!

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So, no. There's no way I'm going to look you

0:18:300:18:33

in your eyes and tell you you're a better amoeba.

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Ah-ha! You did it. I'm the better amoeba now.

0:18:350:18:39

Hey, Dani, what's that?

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Ow!

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Yes! I've got it back. I'm gonna WHUP Ben!

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I can't believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book.

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'Three...

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'Two...

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'One.'

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HEAVY GUNFIRE

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-She must be around here somewhere.

-Yeah, but where?

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Oh, there you are.

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Ah, we've been looking everywhere for you, DAN-i.

0:19:180:19:22

I, uh, had some important stuff to do.

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Which I can't think of right now.

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Really! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

0:19:270:19:31

Are you OK?

0:19:310:19:33

-Did you forget to swallow a textbook today or something?

-I'm fine.

0:19:330:19:37

-No more Dan, OK, Dan?

-OK.

0:19:390:19:42

Oh! Did I tell you? I've got a new friend.

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A real top geezer.

0:19:450:19:46

-I wouldn't stake my lunch on it.

-He sounds great, Tobes.

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Why is everyone calling me Tobes all of a sudden?

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Anyway, I've proved I can find my own friends who I've met myself.

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I'm right, you're wrong. I rest my case. Thank you very much...

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Goodnight, although it's not.

0:20:020:20:04

OK, well I'm glad that's all sorted then, the end!

0:20:040:20:07

The end? Is it me or was that a little...short?

0:20:070:20:12

Must be the monitor. Needs...fine tuning.

0:20:120:20:15

So. Where's this "friend" of yours then?

0:20:220:20:25

I don't know, OK? But I'm not making him up.

0:20:250:20:28

Sam saw him, didn't you, Sam?

0:20:280:20:30

Oh, yes. I would recognise that face anywhere.

0:20:300:20:33

So Sam, "saw" him did "she"?

0:20:330:20:36

Yes! And stop making bunny rabbit ears at me.

0:20:360:20:41

"Fine".

0:20:410:20:42

Right. I'm gonna find him. And when I do,

0:20:430:20:47

I'm gonna prove you so wrong. Again.

0:20:470:20:49

And that really will be the end. Goodnight.

0:20:490:20:53

Even though it still isn't.

0:20:550:20:58

Oh, yes! What?

0:20:580:21:01

Can I help ya?

0:21:060:21:09

I'm looking for a missing person.

0:21:090:21:13

A new friend that could have been a really good mate.

0:21:130:21:17

Does he look like this?

0:21:170:21:19

No.

0:21:190:21:21

This?

0:21:210:21:22

No.

0:21:220:21:23

-What about this?

-No!

0:21:230:21:25

Well if you find them, can you let me know?

0:21:250:21:27

I'm running out of business here, fast.

0:21:270:21:30

Oi!

0:21:300:21:31

One last question.

0:21:310:21:33

Have you seen these?

0:21:330:21:35

Can't remember where I put 'em.

0:21:370:21:39

I left 'em ere somewhere, where are they?

0:21:390:21:42

Ah!

0:21:420:21:44

The whole idea, if you can remember, was to find Toby a friend, a guy.

0:21:440:21:48

-And I have.

-But you're the guy.

0:21:480:21:51

How's he going to feel when he finds out his new footie mate's just been

0:21:510:21:54

-stretchered off into thin air?

-I was only trying to help.

0:21:540:21:58

Maybe I should do something.

0:21:590:22:00

No. His two non-imaginary friends should.

0:22:000:22:04

OK?

0:22:040:22:06

OK. Why are you always right, anyway?

0:22:080:22:11

Because I am. You should know that by now.

0:22:110:22:13

GUNFIRE

0:22:130:22:16

BOTH: Yes!

0:22:190:22:21

Oh.

0:22:210:22:23

I win... Again.

0:22:230:22:27

BEN LAUGHS CRAZILY

0:22:270:22:31

THEY BOTH LAUGH

0:22:310:22:33

I don't even know why we're laughing.

0:22:330:22:37

Couldn't find Dan anywhere.

0:22:410:22:43

-COUGH

-Oh, Dan!

0:22:430:22:45

Alright, bruv? 'Ow's it going?

0:22:450:22:47

Surprisingly brilliantly.

0:22:470:22:50

Oh, um... Come with me.

0:22:500:22:54

Dani! Oh, Dani!

0:22:540:22:57

She's is going to get the surprise of her life

0:22:570:22:59

when I show her that you're as real as the day you were born.

0:22:590:23:02

-Oh, is that the time? I've gotta go home.

-Where?

0:23:020:23:06

-Australia.

-Wow.

0:23:060:23:08

That's some bus journey.

0:23:080:23:11

Immigrating. That's what I came back to tell you. Nice meeting you, mate.

0:23:110:23:16

Laters.

0:23:160:23:19

Oh, I know what this is.

0:23:190:23:23

-Penny's finally dropped.

-Here we go.

0:23:230:23:26

It's Dani, isn't it?

0:23:280:23:29

Yeah, she scared you away. Just to prove I can't find my own friends.

0:23:290:23:35

Nothing gets past me.

0:23:350:23:37

No. Listen. I wouldn't say that. And just off the record,

0:23:380:23:42

Dani meant well, and she's a really good friend. And she's talented

0:23:420:23:46

and she's funny... So I hear.

0:23:460:23:49

Oh, give me your number and I'll add it to my contact list.

0:23:490:23:53

Uhh... I don't have a mobile.

0:23:530:23:57

DANI'S MOBILE RINGS

0:23:570:23:59

Would you believe me if I said that was a radio?

0:23:590:24:03

Oh,

0:24:030:24:05

don't mind me. I'm just...calling Dani.

0:24:050:24:08

-MOBILE STOPS RINGING

-You think I'm stupid, don't you?

0:24:090:24:12

You stole Dani's phone, Dan.

0:24:120:24:14

-Ow!

-Sam!

0:24:160:24:18

Ow!

0:24:180:24:19

Just so I'm clear on this... There was no Dan, was there?

0:24:210:24:26

I'm sorry, Toby.

0:24:270:24:29

-Sam was right.

-Thank you!

0:24:290:24:31

It doesn't matter if you haven't got any friends that are guys.

0:24:310:24:35

Louder. I don't think everybody heard(!)

0:24:350:24:37

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY FRIENDS THAT ARE GUYS!

0:24:370:24:42

-Happy?

-Happy.

-No, not happy.

0:24:430:24:47

I still haven't got any mates while you guys are...Orlando Blooming.

0:24:470:24:53

An 'ahh' would have been nice.

0:24:570:24:58

BOTH: Ahh.

0:24:590:25:01

'Thank you.'

0:25:010:25:03

BOTH: You're welcome.

0:25:030:25:05

That's it. You're the better amoeba than me.

0:25:060:25:09

You're the brains of this outfit now

0:25:090:25:11

and I'm never going to play another computer game as long as I live.

0:25:110:25:14

I'm going to start by chucking this away.

0:25:140:25:17

-Actually, that's my game you're about to throw away.

-Oh. Sorry.

0:25:170:25:22

Do you want me to piggy-back you home again?

0:25:220:25:25

Nah. My feet have kinda forgotten what the ground feels like.

0:25:250:25:29

Maybe I should...

0:25:460:25:48

-No!

-But what if I...?

-No! You've done enough interfering for one show.

0:25:480:25:52

He's out in the wild. Just let nature take its course.

0:25:520:25:55

OK.

0:25:550:25:57

No!

0:25:570:25:59

Duck!

0:25:590:26:00

-Hey.

-Hey.

0:26:070:26:09

Do you fancy a game?

0:26:110:26:12

Hey, I'm really good at this.

0:26:170:26:20

Nah, I'm really bad at this. I lost against myself.

0:26:200:26:23

Whatever.

0:26:250:26:26

-How do you jump over the shooting treasures?

-Pull the donkey's tail.

0:26:260:26:31

-'Eee-aw!'

-Ha, ha!

0:26:330:26:36

Eee-aw! Eee-aw! Eee-aw-ways says that!

0:26:360:26:38

-I suppose you've got lots of mates' names in your mobile.

-Yeah.

0:26:390:26:44

Why don't you make up names and add them to your contact list?

0:26:440:26:48

That is genius.

0:26:480:26:50

Hey, guys,

0:26:500:26:52

nice to see you "hanging" together.

0:26:520:26:54

Is that a donkey's tail?

0:26:540:26:56

BOTH: Eee-aw, eee-aw, eee-aw-ways says that!

0:26:560:26:59

Wow, it's like having Max in stereo.

0:27:000:27:03

BOTH: Eee-aw, eee-aw, eee-aw-ways says that!

0:27:030:27:06

Guys, that is really annoying.

0:27:060:27:08

BOTH: EEE-AW, EEE-AW, eee-aw-ways says that!

0:27:090:27:12

Another fine show, co-ordinator.

0:27:190:27:22

So, it would appear humans need to find their own friends.

0:27:220:27:25

Rather than be artificially stuck together.

0:27:250:27:29

In a confined space.

0:27:290:27:32

Light-year after light-year.

0:27:320:27:34

-THEY BOTH SCREAM

-Let me out!

0:27:350:27:38

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:380:27:44

# Let's slip these chains

0:27:440:27:46

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea

0:27:460:27:51

# I will be...

0:27:510:27:56

# Breaking free. #

0:27:560:27:58

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