Toby No-Mates Dani's House

Ooh, Dani's House.

SHE CRUNCHES LOUDLY

Could you eat those any louder?

Ooh, I don't know. I'll try.

SHE CRUNCHES LOUDER

Oh, I can. Who knew?

Hi, my name's Dani and this is my wonderful...

-I'm Sam,

-Oi!

-..Her best friend.

-As I was saying,

-I'm her best friend too, Toby.

-As I was saying, this is my show... Max!

-That's me. I'm her brother.

-Get out of it.

-And I'm his best friend, Ben.

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my show.

THEY ALL ARGUE AT ONCE

-Hi, out there. My name is...

-Dani!

Well, you'd think I wouldn't need any help with that by now.

Sam, could you not interrupt while I'm trying to talk

-to these lovely people.

-It's about to start.

-Bye!

-Toby...

-It's starting!

Ooh, ooh! Come on, you...!

-'Orlando Bloom suffered massive...'

-Orlando Bloom?

Oh, I know. He's fit.

Different kind of fitness there, Toby.

Why am I watching this?

-It's a documentary.

-We thought you might want to.

"Top ten fittest guys".

"Documentary" makes it sound more educational.

Guys, this is terrible.

Tell me about it! Matt Damon down two places.

BOTH: Ohh!

I hang out with you two way too much.

-I'm going to watch the match with the guys.

-OK.

BOTH: What guys?

You know... There's...You Know and...You Know.

Wow. You've got a lot of friends called You Know, don't you?

Oh, no.

Is that You Know's brother?

I don't think I've got any mates who are guys.

TOBY RINGS BELL

Good evening, good morning, good afternoon.

What can I do you for? Apart from that hair.

Can I get an upgrade for my phone?

You know, make it bit more of a guy phone. Uh,

ten megapixel... Wi-fi, 3G... Mp3, mp4. All the latest smart...

That's...not an upgrade, that's a brick.

The I-Brick. They'll be all the rage this time last year. Mark my words.

Um, I'll be a laughing stock.

LOUD CRASH >

Well, there's the I-Shoe.

The I-Plug.

The Iron. Ha! See what I did there?

I put the I in front of the iron to make... No?

I want one that doesn't embarrass me and shows me in a good light.

The I-Torch!

I'll take it.

Guy... Chico... Chicken Drumstick.

You've got a friend called Chicken Drumstick?

-OK, I might have made that up.

-No(!)

-What about the guys you play football with?

-Oh, I gave that up.

Boots kept getting really muddy.

-What's the big deal? You haven't any guy friends.

-Shh, someone might hear.

-Who, like Chicken Drumstick?

-Right, d'you know what?

I'm rejoining the team, mud or no mud.

If I leave now I can pick up my kit from the dry cleaners.

DOOR SLAMS

We've gotta do something about this.

Tell me about it... Why?

Because we're his best friends. What if we're to blame?

We've taken him out of his natural,

guy habitat and raised him as one of our own,

like a panda from the Serengeti.

It's our responsibility to put him back in the jungle

before his tale gets shanked by the other amphibians.

You don't watch many wildlife documentaries, do you?

MUSIC: "Little Green Bag" by George Baker Selection

Why are you looking like the cat who ate the cream?

I'm not. I'm the cat who ate the cream, the fish and the dead mouse.

Urgh, gross.

Benny here just brought his new computer game over,

-and I literally beat him at his own game.

-Yes, I am such a loser.

And the winner gets to order the loser about. Watch this.

MAX WHISTLES

Giddy up, Ben.

Whoa there, horse boy.

Ben, Max isn't better than you.

You're both equally annoying amoebas.

In fact you might have the edge.

Huh?

Repeat after me...

I am the better amoeba. I am the better amoeba.

I am the better amoeba.

I give up.

Kicking, elbowing, throwing the ball at you.

I'm gonna stick to football as it was meant to be.

Watched on a plasma screen with a bag of nachos.

What's going on?

You are so going to thank us for this.

Why is it whenever you say that, I get really nervous?

-You're welcome! We...

-We're auditioning friends for you!

-Sam, that was my news!

-We've fly posted the whole area,

everybody knows about it.

Dani's idea.

Dani, what did you write on that poster?

"Toby no-mates needs...mates?"

No.

Come on,

they'll be here soon. You can be Simon Cowell, I'll be Dannii.

-And you can be Sharon!

-Why can't I be Dannii?

Because your name's Sam?

Oh, I see. Just because your name is Dani... COUGH >

you automatically have to be...

Excuse me, can't you see the judges are arguing here?

-Oh yeah, we're meant to do that after the auditions.

-Yah.

Let the auditions begin!

-So, tell us why you want to be Toby's friend.

-Well...

For some reason, none of my mates

want to go midnight grave-digging with me.

Next!

And then I said to Dad...

"Has Gramps really gone to the great big betting shop in the sky?"

THEY CRY HYSTERICALLY

Next.

Hi.

BOTH: Hi.

Ow!

Is it hot in here all of a sudden, or is it just you?... I mean me.

Ow!

What are you going to do for us today, Orlando? Oh, I mean...Jack.

-A soliloquy.

-A silly what?

"To be...or not to be.

"That is the question.

"Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer the slings..."

-BELL RINGS ON MOBILE

-Next!

-Why?

-What's wrong with him?

I want someone to watch football with, not quote Oliver Twist.

-Hamlet.

-Oh, is he next?

Let the battle commence.

'Three...

'Two...

'One.'

EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE

I win. Next.

'Three... Two...

'One.'

EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE

I win. Next.

THINKS: 'I am the better amoeba,

'I am the better amoeba. I am the better amoeba.'

COMPUTER: 'Three...

'Two...

'One.'

EXPLOSIONS AND GUNFIRE

I...lose?

I won... I won... I won!

I won! I won!

I beat you, I won!

I CAN beat you.

Just cos you beat me,

doesn't mean I've changed.

-HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-Does it?

What was wrong with that one? He'd make a great friend.

Uh... Did you see how close his eyes were?

Might as well have had one gigantic eye in the middle of his forehead.

Don't you think you're being just a little bit too choosy?

I was going for plenty choosy.

Maybe that's why you can't get any new mates.

Hey, I can get new mates, OK?

It's just, a girl can't choose a guy's mates for him,

otherwise they'd all be called Johnny or Brad or Orlando.

Don't diss the Orlando!

-Sorry.

-Accepted.

Look, OK, I'm a guy.

Oh! Oww, that hurt.

Good timing.

A girl can't choose a guy's mates, OK?

Ha, ha! Missed!

Oh!

THEY LAUGH

-Co-ordinator Zarg, what is a guy?

-A guy is a species of human

that can often be found, for example,

loudly expelling vile gases known as farts. Why?

-No reason.

-ZARK FARTS

I'm guessing I must be a guy.

-Girls can't choose a guy's mates?

-She's still slightly fuming

over Toby's earlier comment.

We tried to help Toby and it didn't work, we should leave him to it now

and just moo-oove on.

You're not really moo-ooving on, are you?

I'll take that as a no. Look, Dani, we can't force a friend on Toby.

The whole point of making friends is the unexpected.

-One burger surprise, please.

-One burger surprise!

Oh, and can you hold the gherkin?

One burger surprise, hold the gherkin!

And can I add cheese to that, please?

One burger surprise, hold the gherkin, add cheese.

Oh, and onions. Sorry. Almost forgot the onions.

One burger surprise, hold the gherkin, add cheese,

don't forget the onion.

That will be £79, miss.

Uh, but it says 79p in here.

Surprise! Cracks me up every time. Heh! Heh! Heh!

-I told you, I let you win.

-Yeah, right, oink, flap, oink, flap.

-What?

-The sound of pigs flying.

Oh! I'm smart!

No, you're not...sort of thing.

Fish food. Pond life.

What?

Have you seen Toby?

What? Have I got something on my nose or something?

Oh...right.

You breathe a word of this

to Toby and it'll be the last word you breathe to anyone.

-OK.

-OK.

-Pick that up.

Is there something different about you?

-HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-No.

What you said to me about being a better amoeba than Max

turned me into a lean, mean, fighting machine. Watch.

Max? HE WHISTLES

To your room, giddy up.

How do I look?

-You look great.

-Superb.

-Fantastic.

-Who is he?

-I have no idea.

So Toby doesn't think girls can find mates for a guy.

Well, surprise! He is never gonna recognise me.

-Dani?

-Well, when I said never...

Oh, sorry, I thought you were Dani.

Never.

All right? How's it going?

It's going OK, I think.

You're here for the auditions, right? Trust me,

you haven't missed much. Bunch of losers.

Yeah, losers.

Sorry, um... Toby.

And you are...?

Daa... Dan.

Nice to meet you, Daa-aan.

Say, I don't suppose you're a footy fan?

Am I? I watch it, I play it, I eat it.

-All right, maybe I don't eat it.

-Who do you support?

-Oh, er...

You know, the ones that play in that lovely salmon pinky colour...get me?

-TOBY LAUGHS

-You're a funny guy!

(Oww!)

Why do male humans feel the need to punch one another, like this?

Search me. Thank goodness we evolved from such primitive behaviour, eh?

Ow, that hurt.

Well... Just replace it.

Oh! I'd forgotten we had spares.

Use the flank!

-Oh, come off it, ref!

-Oh yeah, come off it, ref.

Why's he coming off it again?

Ha, ha! You're a really funny guy.

So, er, when's the interval then?

Interval?

-Oh, half-time?

-Yeah, that as...well.

Oh, come on! What was that? My nan could do better than that.

Yeah...and my little brother an-and the baby from hell.

-Toby, have you seen Dani anywhere?

-Oh!

-Oh! No!

-Toby?

Toby?

Planet Earth to Toby?

Toby!

'Planet Earth to Toby'

Planet Eboonerastawis to Toby.

'Oh, Sam.'

Oh, yes! It worked! Oh, ho!

-Have you seen Dani?

-I think I heard her come in earlier.

Oh, Sam. This is a new mate of mine...who I found myself.

-Sam, meet Dan...the man.

-Oh.

Nice to meet you, Dan the...man.

Yeah.

-Nice to meet you, like...darlin'.

-DANI BURPS

Ha, ha! You're mad, you are.

-He's mad, he is.

-He is, isn't he?

So...Dan. You're a local...boy?

Yeah...could say that... like...bruv.

And he likes football, although he obviously doesn't play it, or...

-Go to matches...

-Kick the ball in the thing!

-..Just like me.

-Oh, I can't wait for Dani to meet him.

-No, neither can I.

So I can rub her nose in it. That I found a friend without her help.

-Why don't I go get her now?

-No!

I mean, no. I mean...go to the shops to...buy hair gel,

that's what I'm going to do.

-Well, Toby can lend you some, can't you Tobes?

-Tobes?

-Bye!

-What? But... Oh.

I wanted to prove Dani wrong.

Oh, trust me, Dani would have been beside herself to have met "Dan".

-BOTH: Ah! It's Dani.

-'I know...'

Sam said not to...but it worked, I proved Toby wrong.

Girls can find mates for guys and Toby's none the wiser.

Actually, Toby's always none the wiser.

-All right! I won't tell.

-What's wrong with you?

You caved in quicker than one of Mum's souffles.

Just, now that Ben can whup me, I've lost that X-factor

that makes me Max.

So now you're just M-A. Ma.

-HIGH PITCHED VOICE:

-I'm Ma.

I'm sure it's not as bad as that.

Max, I need a piggy back >

to the toilet... Now! >

Please, you gotta help me beat him. He's a nightmare.

Hmm. Let me think.

Hmm...

No.

I'm your big sister, Max, and this is for big sisters everywhere,

that have to put up with babysitting their kid brother.

Say I'm smarter than you.

-Gimme back my money, I know you stole it.

-How dare you?

This is so not over, Dani.

Snooze, ya lose.

Give me all your birthday presents.

-Fire!

-Argh!

SQUELCH

Max!

So, no. There's no way I'm going to look you

in your eyes and tell you you're a better amoeba.

Ah-ha! You did it. I'm the better amoeba now.

Hey, Dani, what's that?

Ow!

Yes! I've got it back. I'm gonna WHUP Ben!

I can't believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book.

'Three...

'Two...

'One.'

HEAVY GUNFIRE

-She must be around here somewhere.

-Yeah, but where?

Oh, there you are.

Ah, we've been looking everywhere for you, DAN-i.

I, uh, had some important stuff to do.

Which I can't think of right now.

Really! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Are you OK?

-Did you forget to swallow a textbook today or something?

-I'm fine.

-No more Dan, OK, Dan?

-OK.

Oh! Did I tell you? I've got a new friend.

A real top geezer.

-I wouldn't stake my lunch on it.

-He sounds great, Tobes.

Why is everyone calling me Tobes all of a sudden?

Anyway, I've proved I can find my own friends who I've met myself.

I'm right, you're wrong. I rest my case. Thank you very much...

Goodnight, although it's not.

OK, well I'm glad that's all sorted then, the end!

The end? Is it me or was that a little...short?

Must be the monitor. Needs...fine tuning.

So. Where's this "friend" of yours then?

I don't know, OK? But I'm not making him up.

Sam saw him, didn't you, Sam?

Oh, yes. I would recognise that face anywhere.

So Sam, "saw" him did "she"?

Yes! And stop making bunny rabbit ears at me.

"Fine".

Right. I'm gonna find him. And when I do,

I'm gonna prove you so wrong. Again.

And that really will be the end. Goodnight.

Even though it still isn't.

Oh, yes! What?

Can I help ya?

I'm looking for a missing person.

A new friend that could have been a really good mate.

Does he look like this?

No.

This?

No.

-What about this?

-No!

Well if you find them, can you let me know?

I'm running out of business here, fast.

Oi!

One last question.

Have you seen these?

Can't remember where I put 'em.

I left 'em ere somewhere, where are they?

Ah!

The whole idea, if you can remember, was to find Toby a friend, a guy.

-And I have.

-But you're the guy.

How's he going to feel when he finds out his new footie mate's just been

-stretchered off into thin air?

-I was only trying to help.

Maybe I should do something.

No. His two non-imaginary friends should.

OK?

OK. Why are you always right, anyway?

Because I am. You should know that by now.

GUNFIRE

BOTH: Yes!

Oh.

I win... Again.

BEN LAUGHS CRAZILY

THEY BOTH LAUGH

I don't even know why we're laughing.

Couldn't find Dan anywhere.

-COUGH

-Oh, Dan!

Alright, bruv? 'Ow's it going?

Surprisingly brilliantly.

Oh, um... Come with me.

Dani! Oh, Dani!

She's is going to get the surprise of her life

when I show her that you're as real as the day you were born.

-Oh, is that the time? I've gotta go home.

-Where?

-Australia.

-Wow.

That's some bus journey.

Immigrating. That's what I came back to tell you. Nice meeting you, mate.

Laters.

Oh, I know what this is.

-Penny's finally dropped.

-Here we go.

It's Dani, isn't it?

Yeah, she scared you away. Just to prove I can't find my own friends.

Nothing gets past me.

No. Listen. I wouldn't say that. And just off the record,

Dani meant well, and she's a really good friend. And she's talented

and she's funny... So I hear.

Oh, give me your number and I'll add it to my contact list.

Uhh... I don't have a mobile.

DANI'S MOBILE RINGS

Would you believe me if I said that was a radio?

Oh,

don't mind me. I'm just...calling Dani.

-MOBILE STOPS RINGING

-You think I'm stupid, don't you?

You stole Dani's phone, Dan.

-Ow!

-Sam!

Ow!

Just so I'm clear on this... There was no Dan, was there?

I'm sorry, Toby.

-Sam was right.

-Thank you!

It doesn't matter if you haven't got any friends that are guys.

Louder. I don't think everybody heard(!)

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANY FRIENDS THAT ARE GUYS!

-Happy?

-Happy.

-No, not happy.

I still haven't got any mates while you guys are...Orlando Blooming.

An 'ahh' would have been nice.

BOTH: Ahh.

'Thank you.'

BOTH: You're welcome.

That's it. You're the better amoeba than me.

You're the brains of this outfit now

and I'm never going to play another computer game as long as I live.

I'm going to start by chucking this away.

-Actually, that's my game you're about to throw away.

-Oh. Sorry.

Do you want me to piggy-back you home again?

Nah. My feet have kinda forgotten what the ground feels like.

Maybe I should...

-No!

-But what if I...?

-No! You've done enough interfering for one show.

He's out in the wild. Just let nature take its course.

OK.

No!

Duck!

-Hey.

-Hey.

Do you fancy a game?

Hey, I'm really good at this.

Nah, I'm really bad at this. I lost against myself.

Whatever.

-How do you jump over the shooting treasures?

-Pull the donkey's tail.

-'Eee-aw!'

-Ha, ha!

Eee-aw! Eee-aw! Eee-aw-ways says that!

-I suppose you've got lots of mates' names in your mobile.

-Yeah.

Why don't you make up names and add them to your contact list?

That is genius.

Hey, guys,

nice to see you "hanging" together.

Is that a donkey's tail?

BOTH: Eee-aw, eee-aw, eee-aw-ways says that!

Wow, it's like having Max in stereo.

BOTH: Eee-aw, eee-aw, eee-aw-ways says that!

Guys, that is really annoying.

BOTH: EEE-AW, EEE-AW, eee-aw-ways says that!

Another fine show, co-ordinator.

So, it would appear humans need to find their own friends.

Rather than be artificially stuck together.

In a confined space.

Light-year after light-year.

-THEY BOTH SCREAM

-Let me out!

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's slip these chains

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea

# I will be...

# Breaking free. #