Snakes Dani's House


Snakes

Surreal sitcom. Toby's pet-sitting service comes under threat when his snake escapes in Dani's house, causing enough screaming to wake an irritable Aunt Sheila.


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Transcript


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Hurry up, Co-ordinator Zark. Our favourite show is about to begin.

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And don't forget the snacks.

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What flavour popcorn do you want, Co-ordinator Zang?

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Salted?

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-Hmm.

-Sweet?

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Hmm.

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-Or altractim bile slime?

-Ah!

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You know I have the bile slime with extra maggots.

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Hi. My name's Dani and this is my wonderful...

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-I'm Sam. Her best friend.

-Oi! As I was saying...

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-I'm her best friend, too. Toby.

-As I was saying,

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-this is my show. Max!

-That's me! I'm her brother.

-Get out of here.

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And I'm his best friend, Ben.

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As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my show.

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THEY ARGUE

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'We're off, Dani. You need to get up now and look after the baby.

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CRASH

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'And remember to keep the noise down for Auntie Sheila.

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Wakey wakey, Samantha. It's gone past midday.

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-Samantha's been a-wakey wakey since half seven.

-You must be shattered.

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We were up till one watching DVDs.

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I had coursework to do.

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-Are you ill?

-I've got to do it sometime.

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You must be ill. Come on, Brainiac. Show to do.

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Hello, Universe!

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BOTH: Greetings, humans.

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-Hello!

-Ssh, Sam!

-What?

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My aunt's sleeping off her jetlag.

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If we wake her up, she'll make my life a living...

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Doorbell!

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She'll make her life a living doorbell?

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DOORBELL RINGS

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-Hello!

-Ssh! My aunt's asleep upstairs in my bedroom.

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Good for her. I have a new job.

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Oh, nice, Toby. That's only the third new job this week.

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What happened to your job at the hairdressers?

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Uh, they were making cuts.

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Get it?

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Ha. So, what's your new job? World's lamest stand-up comedian?

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I am proud to announce the formation of

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The Prestige Level Organised Pet-Sitting Ltd

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or P-L-O-P-S for short.

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P-L-O-P-S?

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That spells plops.

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It's only...temporary.

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Is that why you got it printed on your T-shirt?

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Temporary T-shirt?

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Oh, hang on a sec.

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Co-ordinator Zang, what is a pet?

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A pet is a lesser creature humans keep in their home.

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Would you say humans are a lesser creature than we are?

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Pff! Of course, Co-ordinator Zark.

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We are the shining beings of the seven galaxies.

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-Our vast craniums...

-Wicked! That's what I thought.

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Here, boy! Here, boy!

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-What is this?

-It's my pet human.

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It's a breed called posty-man or something.

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Watch this. Sit, boy. Sit. Kneel, please. Who's a good boy, then?

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Who's a good boy, then? Who's a good boy?

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Dani, I need a favour. Can I leave this here for a few hours?

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Only I've...got to see a man about a dog.

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-Literally.

-I dunno, Toby.

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I've got stuff to do. My mad aunt's staying,

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I can't have any noisy, smelly animals here today.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Talking of noisy, smelly animals...

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-Benny Boy!

-Maximillian!

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Ssh! Aunt Sheila's asleep.

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-What does she want, a medal?

-Mum said not to wake her.

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Don't worry. Won't hear a peep out of us.

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We'll just quietly rehearse our new band.

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THEY PRETEND TO PLAY GUITAR

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Let's get you tuned up.

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Ssh! You'll wake the...baby! Ahh!

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BABY CRIES

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All right, take it easy.

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BABY SLURPS AND BURPS

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Ow! Yeah, real funny. Very mature.

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SNAKE HISSES

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Is that a viperidae maximillae?

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No, dummy. It's a snake.

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-It's what?!

-SHE SCREAMS

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Ssh! You'll wake your aunt!

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SHE MUTTERS

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You're gonna be a star, Ben. You've got the charisma, the look.

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You've got star quality.

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S'pose.

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While I've got the Simon Cowell trousers.

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Just leave everything to me.

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I just need you to sign this.

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What is it?

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Just a contract entitling me to 90% of any money you might make.

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Ever.

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OK.

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HE LAUGHS

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THEY LAUGH I don't even know why I'm laughing!

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-I don't do snakes!

-Well, just think of it as a lizard without any legs.

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-This isn't helping!

-Look, providing nobody agitates it,

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there's no reason for it to attack.

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-TOBY DRUMS ON BOX

-Toby!

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Yeah? Oh, sorry.

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I can't believe you're being so dumb, Toby. Snakes make me...

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-..ooh! They make me...

-Behave like this?

-Exactly!

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You're the one who keeps telling me

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to stop wasting my life and get a job.

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I'm getting paid good money to look after that snake.

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Whatever you're getting paid,

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it won't be enough by the time I'm finished with you.

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Um...guys.

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Slight problem over here.

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-Where's the snake?

-I sort of wanted a closer peek at it.

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I sort of opened the case lid... and it sort of got out. Slightly.

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DANI SCREAMS

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Dani, calm down. You're being completely irrational.

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If it's so irrational, why are you on the chair?

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There's nothing rational about being afraid of a snake in a box.

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Snake on the loose, on the other hand... Well scary!

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Oh, and that's a well scientific opinion, is it?

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Please say you've found a cure for my phobia of snakes, professor.

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-I have indeed found a cure for your ophidiophobia.

-My what?

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It's a posh word for being a big, yellow-bellied chicken coward.

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Drink this.

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Ugh! That's gross! What is that?

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Essence of pickled herring and frogs brains.

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-How is that gonna help cure my phobia?

-It won't.

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But it is a really pretty colour.

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Ah! Oh! I'm hyperventilating!

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Breathe into this paper bag.

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Why, what does this do?

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I dunno, I thought maybe if we puffed it up, make it go bang,

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we could lure the snake out of hiding.

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SHE SHOUTS: Find that snake!

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Ssh! Remember your aunt.

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We need to lure the snake out of hiding with bait.

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Use the baby.

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BABY GURGLES

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That wouldn't work. Viperidae Maximillae is a vegetarian.

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At least you know now it's not gonna eat you, Dani.

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Actually, it could still bite in self defence, they are very...

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-..poisonous.

-Fantastic(!) Great. Superb. Snake-tastic.

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What are you looking at?

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Well, we're trapped in a house with a vegetarian snake.

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I thought, "Do you look more like a vegetable than I do?"

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Yeah, there's something very sort of...

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..cabbagey about you.

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Acutally, that could work.

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-We could lure the snake out of hiding with some veg.

-A trap! Great idea.

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You two stay here and look for the deadly reptile,

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I'll find it something to eat. Bye!

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-Four veggie burgers, please.

-Four what?

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Burgers without any meat?

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Coming up.

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No, I mean burgers that aren't made out of meat.

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What's it made out of then? Cardboard?

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Right. Ten bags of fries, please.

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I suppose you don't want meat in your fries, either?

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-Fries don't have meat in them.

-Ours do.

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Big bits of liver.

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Have you got any food suitable for vegetarians?

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-Got this.

-And there's definitely no meat in that carrot?

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Nah, we just use it to stir the cow guts.

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So, how come you know so much about snakes?

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I'm reading up on zoology, just in case I decide to become a vet.

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You know, it doesn't hurt to have your fingers in several pies.

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It does if they're really hot pies. Ooh!

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It's a career you should think about, Toby. Vets get respect.

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-Do they?

-Uh-huh.

-Hmm.

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I've always wondered what respect felt like.

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Help! There's been an accident!

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It's gonna be OK. Stand back, everyone.

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I'm a vet.

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We were just walking and he just keeled over.

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I'll handle this.

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Nurse, the brush.

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-What are you gonna do with that?

-Brush my hair.

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Keep clear. I'm going in for CPR.

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CRUNCH

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I think we might have lost him.

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SHE SOBS

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# Ooh baby

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# You're my ladybird. #

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What we really need is to get you a record deal with someone like...

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..Mickey Crush from Crush Me Records.

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Who's Mickey Crush?

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Who's Mickey Crush?! Who is Mickey Crush?

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-Mickey Crush?

-Your room must be bigger than it looks, Max,

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because there's definitely an echo in here.

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Mickey Crush is my role model.

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He's the most powerful man in the entertainment industry.

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Film, TV, music - he's conquered them all.

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'Mickey Crush. The most famous man in the world.'

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They say he's so rich, he eats off a solid gold plate,

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with a solid gold knife and fork.

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Wow. We've gotta find some way to meet him.

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Mr Crush is a very busy man.

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There's no way he'd spend his time with a waster like you, Ben.

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-No offence.

-None taken.

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Now you're gonna be a waster AND a pop star.

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But I'm afraid there are no shortcuts in pop.

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We've gotta get to the top the hard way.

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Using the stairs?

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By conning money out of my sister to buy some instruments.

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Picture it, Ben. You, the ultimate rock star.

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APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

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BAND PLAYS

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Hello, Glastonbury!

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Let me hear you scream!

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My name's Ben and tonight I'm gonna rock you!

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And you!

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This one's called I Don't Know Why My Pancake's So Flat.

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Ah-one, ah-two. Ah-one, two, three, four.

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# Ooh baby, you're my ladybird

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# Oh baby, baby, I love you... #

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Wow.

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When I click my fingers, you will no longer be afraid of snakes.

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I will no longer be afraid of snakes.

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Come on! Stupid fingers.

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When I whistle, you will no longer be afraid of snakes.

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I will no longer be afraid of snakes.

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When I clap my hands, you will no longer be afraid of snakes.

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I will no longer be afraid of snakes.

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How hard can it be?!

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When I throw a tantrum, you will no longer be afraid of snakes.

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SHE SCREAMS

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Guys, I couldn't get any veg, but I think I'm cured of my phobia.

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-How come?

-I just gave myself a talking to.

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I said, "Dani, it's a snake. What is the big deal?"

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It's probably more scared of us than we are of it.

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-That's the spirit.

-Anyway, what's the worst that can happen?

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One of us gets bitten in the bum

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and the others have to suck out the poison.

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SHE SCREAMS

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I thought in space nobody could hear you scream?

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SHE CRIES

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Dani...Dani! Calm down, it's just a bit of hose.

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I wanted to see if you were really cured and I guess not.

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Would you stop making me scream?

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If Aunt Sheila wakes up, the snake will be the last of my worries.

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What's all the noise about? Aunt Sheila's asleep, you know.

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-I know.

-There's a snake loose in the house.

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A snake? Cool.

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Maybe we could help you find it.

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Why would you want to help us?

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I know how scared you are of snakes. I hate seeing my sister suffer.

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OK, who are you and what have you done with Max?

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Of course...in return for finding the snake...

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I could borrow the £50 you got for your birthday?

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There's the Max I know.

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We do need all the help we can get now,

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especially with your irrational phobia.

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Fine. You can help but no money unless you find it. Intact.

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Deal.

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MILITARY MUSIC PLAYS

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Here's a plan of the house.

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To catch a snake, we need to think like snakes.

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What do we know about them? Hit me, people.

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It's just an expression!

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Snakes like warm, dark places.

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-Nice.

-They haven't got any legs.

-Right. Right.

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-They go like this. Ssssss.

-Yeah.

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-They give me the creeps.

-Right.

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They have a detachable lower jaw with bilateral undulation

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and smell with their tongues.

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Show-off.

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OK, people. We've got a snake to find.

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And remember... No, forgotten it. Let's move.

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SNAKES HISSES

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-Get it, get it!

-Ooh! Go on!

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Basket, basket! It will definitely be in the wash basket!

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-Ooh, it's in the biscuit tin!

-The biscuit tin!

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Oh, that Toby fellow!

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SNAKE HISSES

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Oh dear. Never mind, eh?

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Please say you've found it.

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Look, Dani, you're the actress. Why don't you get into character as,

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I dunno, a brave snake charmer?

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I've heard worse ideas.

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Calling your pet-sitting service PLOPS, for one.

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Oh, I see.

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Let me limber up.

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Huh. Actors.

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I'm a brave snake charmer. I'm not afraid of snakes.

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I'm brave and fearless.

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Darling, you look amazing. That figure - incredible.

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Thanksssss.

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I'm gonna have the spaghetti carbonara. What are you gonna have?

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I'll have the waiter. Ssss.

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Wahh!

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Can't take you anywhere.

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No. It's not working. I'm still terrified.

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Toby, don't go poking around where you can't see.

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I'm running out of hair gel.

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You're not gonna find any under there.

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-SNAKE HISSES

-If I can't find the snake, I don't

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get paid. If I don't get paid, I can't afford to buy hair gel.

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Aghh! Ow.

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-Ah...

-What is it? What happened?

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I've been bitten by the snake.

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I've been...poisoned.

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THEY GASP

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Next scene.

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(Max. Psst.

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(What is it?)

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-I think I saw something.

-Just stun it, a dead snake is no good to us.

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It's not very good for the snake, either.

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What you doing?

0:18:510:18:52

Since when did snakes have buckles?

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I thought it might be a punk snake.

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Let's go before we wake her.

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CRASH

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-Ssh.

-CRASH

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(Sorry.)

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(Go, quick, go.)

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You're right, Dani. I have wasted my life.

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-Don't talk like that.

-We can still get you to the hospital.

-No!

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I want to die surrounded by my friends,

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not fighting for life on some hospital trolley,

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wearing one of those embarrassing gowns

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-where everyone can see your bum.

-Ugh.

-Don't go anywhere.

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Let's see if they've got any anti-venom down at the shops.

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Good morning, good evening, good afternoon.

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What can I do for you, young lady?

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My friend's been bitten. Well, it wasn't me who did it,

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-if that's what you're insinuating.

-What? No, I know it wasn't you.

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-Then why come in here and suggest it was me?

-I didn't.

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I'm sick of you people, coming in here and accusing me of biting.

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Look, I just... Forget that.

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-Have you got any anti-venom for somebody's who's been bitten?

-Oh.

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-I see. Vampire, was it?

-What?

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-Was it a vampire who bit your friend?

-Whatever gave you that idea?

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Next thing, you'll be out with the garlic and the holy water,

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waving it in my face. I'll tell you like I told the rest of 'em,

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-I am not, and never have been, a vampire.

-I never said...

0:20:250:20:28

Forget it. I think I better go.

0:20:280:20:29

Before you go. How's my hair?

0:20:290:20:32

-Why?

-It's a little embarrassing.

0:20:320:20:35

But I'm having a bit of trouble with the old mirror at the moment.

0:20:350:20:39

My reflection's... um, not exactly showing up.

0:20:390:20:44

I'm not a vampire, though.

0:20:440:20:45

Where you going?

0:20:480:20:50

How's my hair?

0:20:500:20:51

I'm so sorry, Toby.

0:20:540:20:56

For some reason, everywhere is sold out of anti-venom.

0:20:560:20:59

Not even the little newsagent on the corner?

0:20:590:21:01

-Even them.

-Oh well. That's that, then.

0:21:010:21:05

I'm so sorry I've always been so horrible to you!

0:21:070:21:11

Careful, Sam. You're getting tears on my new T-shirt.

0:21:140:21:17

It's times like this that puts everything into perspective.

0:21:170:21:21

I probably need something like this to take my mind off my phobia.

0:21:210:21:24

-Actually, I really think this might be helping.

-Really?

0:21:240:21:27

Yeah, my heart isn't hammering against my ribcage anymore.

0:21:270:21:31

That's great but maybe, with me dying and all,

0:21:310:21:34

this could possibly be MY moment.

0:21:340:21:37

After all, I only have an hour to live.

0:21:370:21:41

Actually, it's more like 55 minutes now.

0:21:410:21:44

Oh, woe! Woe! Death, is that thy sting I feel?

0:21:470:21:52

It's the TV remote.

0:21:570:21:58

-Did you see the snake?

-No, Toby's been bitten, that's all.

0:22:010:22:04

-That's all?!

-Bitten by the snake?

0:22:040:22:07

No, by a goat.

0:22:070:22:09

Great, so now there's a goat in here too.

0:22:090:22:11

Co-ordinator. Your pet keeps scratching my leg.

0:22:140:22:18

I think it wants something.

0:22:180:22:20

What is it, boy? What is it that you want?

0:22:200:22:24

Want to go walkies, is that it?

0:22:240:22:26

You want to play fetch? Here, fetch the ball.

0:22:270:22:30

Go on, boy, go fetch it.

0:22:300:22:32

Aww, what is it, hmm?

0:22:320:22:34

HE WHINES

0:22:340:22:37

-Have you fed him?

-Of course, he needs feeding.

0:22:370:22:40

And it just so happens I have plenty of delicious posty-man food here.

0:22:400:22:44

Yummy, yummy!

0:22:440:22:45

That's it, boy. Eat it all up.

0:22:500:22:53

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Great, that'll be the snake owner.

0:22:560:23:00

Not only am I going to die, I'm also going to get into really big trouble

0:23:000:23:04

for losing his pet. Today's been rubbish.

0:23:040:23:07

DOORBELL RINGS

0:23:070:23:10

Hey! How's it going, cats?

0:23:130:23:16

-CRASH

-Ow!

0:23:190:23:22

I don't believe it. It's Mickey Crush.

0:23:220:23:25

The multi-millionaire multi-media multi-mogul.

0:23:250:23:28

You bet I am. Here, have a signed photo.

0:23:280:23:33

First one's free.

0:23:340:23:36

Wow. Bet I could get loads for this on the internet.

0:23:370:23:41

I like the way you're thinking, kid.

0:23:410:23:43

-You do?

-Don't touch me.

0:23:430:23:46

No problem, Mr Crush.

0:23:460:23:49

-Mr Crush, I represent a bold, young talent who...

-Max?

0:23:490:23:53

What's going on?

0:23:530:23:54

-This is Mickey Crush.

-I don't care if he's Mickey Mouse,

0:23:540:23:59

-what's he doing here?

-Um, that's the guy whose snake I was looking after.

0:23:590:24:02

Well, Mr Crush. Your snake bit my friend.

0:24:020:24:06

Toby got bitten by the snake as well as the goat?

0:24:060:24:10

Sylvia wouldn't bite anyone. She's old. She's got false teeth.

0:24:100:24:15

If she's got false teeth, how comes Toby's been poisoned?

0:24:150:24:18

Hm. The answer to that is simpler than that guy there.

0:24:180:24:21

Whatever bit your friend wasn't Sylvia.

0:24:230:24:26

-Toby?

-Yeah.

-Answer me this. Were you definitely bitten by a snake?

0:24:300:24:35

Well, it felt like a bite... a bit...sort of.

0:24:350:24:40

Suppose it could have been something else.

0:24:400:24:43

Eh, a loose nail or a splinter or...

0:24:430:24:47

Woo-hoo! I've still got my entire life to waste!

0:24:470:24:51

Hey, who does this sound like? "Oh, I'm gonna miss you, Toby!"

0:24:510:24:55

That was reverse psychology, I was doing it to get you to stay calm.

0:24:550:24:59

"I'm gonna miss you..."

0:24:590:25:01

-Shut up, Toby!

-Shut up, Sam.

0:25:010:25:04

I want my snake.

0:25:040:25:05

BOTH: Shut up, Mickey!

0:25:050:25:07

Everyone shut up! There is still a snake loose in this house!

0:25:070:25:10

If someone doesn't find it pretty soon so that

0:25:100:25:13

Mickey Whatever His Face can take it out...

0:25:130:25:15

..pet tarantula, I'm gonna use each and every one as you as snake bait.

0:25:150:25:18

-Got that?

-I was trying to get some shut-eye.

0:25:180:25:21

What the name of Sydney Harbour is going on down here?

0:25:210:25:25

-There's Sylvia.

-My name's Sheila.

0:25:250:25:27

No, there's Sylvia.

0:25:270:25:29

Snake! Snake!

0:25:300:25:33

Now that is irrational.

0:25:330:25:37

-Well irrational, in fact.

-Get off me!

0:25:370:25:39

-Snaaake!

-No!

0:25:430:25:46

Give me one good reason not to throw Snakey Boy out into the traffic.

0:25:460:25:50

Because she's as scared of us as much as we are scared of it.

0:25:500:25:53

Is she talking about Aunt Sheila or the snake?

0:25:530:25:56

I guess she's cured, then.

0:25:560:25:59

Here you go. Sorry about that.

0:25:590:26:01

Hey, it's all right... Ow!

0:26:020:26:05

-She bit me.

-Thought she had false teeth?

0:26:050:26:09

So did I.

0:26:090:26:11

CRASH

0:26:110:26:14

I suppose this is a bad time to ask for a record deal?

0:26:210:26:26

I'll phone the ambulance.

0:26:260:26:28

Another fine show.

0:26:350:26:37

I do hope you're going to look after your new pet properly?

0:26:370:26:41

Of course I am. I've already fed him, given him water.

0:26:410:26:44

I've just let him out to do his business.

0:26:440:26:46

You've just let him out?

0:26:480:26:50

We don't want him messing up our space ship, do we?

0:26:500:26:53

-Where did you let him out?

-Out of the airlock, of course.

0:26:540:26:57

Of course.

0:26:570:26:59

Help me!

0:27:020:27:07

I think next time we might get a window cleaner.

0:27:070:27:11

Subtitles by Claire Brown Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:180:27:21

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:27:210:27:24

Toby's pet-sitting service comes under threat when his snake escapes in Dani's house. With Dani's phobia of snakes and Max desperate to fund a record deal for Ben, there is enough screaming in the house to wake an irritable and jet-lagged Aunt Sheila.

Featuring a guest appearance from Richard Blackwood as the snake's owner, who may be able to help Ben in his quest for stardom.