Snakes Dani's House

Hurry up, Co-ordinator Zark. Our favourite show is about to begin.

And don't forget the snacks.

What flavour popcorn do you want, Co-ordinator Zang?

Salted?

-Hmm.

-Sweet?

Hmm.

-Or altractim bile slime?

-Ah!

You know I have the bile slime with extra maggots.

Hi. My name's Dani and this is my wonderful...

-I'm Sam. Her best friend.

-Oi! As I was saying...

-I'm her best friend, too. Toby.

-As I was saying,

-this is my show. Max!

-That's me! I'm her brother.

-Get out of here.

And I'm his best friend, Ben.

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my show.

THEY ARGUE

'We're off, Dani. You need to get up now and look after the baby.

CRASH

'And remember to keep the noise down for Auntie Sheila.

Wakey wakey, Samantha. It's gone past midday.

-Samantha's been a-wakey wakey since half seven.

-You must be shattered.

We were up till one watching DVDs.

I had coursework to do.

-Are you ill?

-I've got to do it sometime.

You must be ill. Come on, Brainiac. Show to do.

Hello, Universe!

BOTH: Greetings, humans.

-Hello!

-Ssh, Sam!

-What?

My aunt's sleeping off her jetlag.

If we wake her up, she'll make my life a living...

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Doorbell!

She'll make her life a living doorbell?

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello!

-Ssh! My aunt's asleep upstairs in my bedroom.

Good for her. I have a new job.

Oh, nice, Toby. That's only the third new job this week.

What happened to your job at the hairdressers?

Uh, they were making cuts.

Get it?

Ha. So, what's your new job? World's lamest stand-up comedian?

I am proud to announce the formation of

The Prestige Level Organised Pet-Sitting Ltd

or P-L-O-P-S for short.

P-L-O-P-S?

That spells plops.

It's only...temporary.

Is that why you got it printed on your T-shirt?

Temporary T-shirt?

Oh, hang on a sec.

Co-ordinator Zang, what is a pet?

A pet is a lesser creature humans keep in their home.

Would you say humans are a lesser creature than we are?

Pff! Of course, Co-ordinator Zark.

We are the shining beings of the seven galaxies.

-Our vast craniums...

-Wicked! That's what I thought.

Here, boy! Here, boy!

-What is this?

-It's my pet human.

It's a breed called posty-man or something.

Watch this. Sit, boy. Sit. Kneel, please. Who's a good boy, then?

Who's a good boy, then? Who's a good boy?

Dani, I need a favour. Can I leave this here for a few hours?

Only I've...got to see a man about a dog.

-Literally.

-I dunno, Toby.

I've got stuff to do. My mad aunt's staying,

I can't have any noisy, smelly animals here today.

DOORBELL RINGS

Talking of noisy, smelly animals...

-Benny Boy!

-Maximillian!

Ssh! Aunt Sheila's asleep.

-What does she want, a medal?

-Mum said not to wake her.

Don't worry. Won't hear a peep out of us.

We'll just quietly rehearse our new band.

THEY PRETEND TO PLAY GUITAR

Let's get you tuned up.

Ssh! You'll wake the...baby! Ahh!

BABY CRIES

All right, take it easy.

BABY SLURPS AND BURPS

Ow! Yeah, real funny. Very mature.

SNAKE HISSES

Is that a viperidae maximillae?

No, dummy. It's a snake.

-It's what?!

-SHE SCREAMS

Ssh! You'll wake your aunt!

SHE MUTTERS

You're gonna be a star, Ben. You've got the charisma, the look.

You've got star quality.

S'pose.

While I've got the Simon Cowell trousers.

Just leave everything to me.

I just need you to sign this.

What is it?

Just a contract entitling me to 90% of any money you might make.

Ever.

OK.

HE LAUGHS

THEY LAUGH I don't even know why I'm laughing!

-I don't do snakes!

-Well, just think of it as a lizard without any legs.

-This isn't helping!

-Look, providing nobody agitates it,

there's no reason for it to attack.

-TOBY DRUMS ON BOX

-Toby!

Yeah? Oh, sorry.

I can't believe you're being so dumb, Toby. Snakes make me...

-..ooh! They make me...

-Behave like this?

-Exactly!

You're the one who keeps telling me

to stop wasting my life and get a job.

I'm getting paid good money to look after that snake.

Whatever you're getting paid,

it won't be enough by the time I'm finished with you.

Um...guys.

Slight problem over here.

-Where's the snake?

-I sort of wanted a closer peek at it.

I sort of opened the case lid... and it sort of got out. Slightly.

DANI SCREAMS

Dani, calm down. You're being completely irrational.

If it's so irrational, why are you on the chair?

There's nothing rational about being afraid of a snake in a box.

Snake on the loose, on the other hand... Well scary!

Oh, and that's a well scientific opinion, is it?

Please say you've found a cure for my phobia of snakes, professor.

-I have indeed found a cure for your ophidiophobia.

-My what?

It's a posh word for being a big, yellow-bellied chicken coward.

Drink this.

Ugh! That's gross! What is that?

Essence of pickled herring and frogs brains.

-How is that gonna help cure my phobia?

-It won't.

But it is a really pretty colour.

Ah! Oh! I'm hyperventilating!

Breathe into this paper bag.

Why, what does this do?

I dunno, I thought maybe if we puffed it up, make it go bang,

we could lure the snake out of hiding.

SHE SHOUTS: Find that snake!

Ssh! Remember your aunt.

We need to lure the snake out of hiding with bait.

Use the baby.

BABY GURGLES

That wouldn't work. Viperidae Maximillae is a vegetarian.

At least you know now it's not gonna eat you, Dani.

Actually, it could still bite in self defence, they are very...

-..poisonous.

-Fantastic(!) Great. Superb. Snake-tastic.

What are you looking at?

Well, we're trapped in a house with a vegetarian snake.

I thought, "Do you look more like a vegetable than I do?"

Yeah, there's something very sort of...

..cabbagey about you.

Acutally, that could work.

-We could lure the snake out of hiding with some veg.

-A trap! Great idea.

You two stay here and look for the deadly reptile,

I'll find it something to eat. Bye!

-Four veggie burgers, please.

-Four what?

Burgers without any meat?

Coming up.

No, I mean burgers that aren't made out of meat.

What's it made out of then? Cardboard?

Right. Ten bags of fries, please.

I suppose you don't want meat in your fries, either?

-Fries don't have meat in them.

-Ours do.

Big bits of liver.

Have you got any food suitable for vegetarians?

-Got this.

-And there's definitely no meat in that carrot?

Nah, we just use it to stir the cow guts.

So, how come you know so much about snakes?

I'm reading up on zoology, just in case I decide to become a vet.

You know, it doesn't hurt to have your fingers in several pies.

It does if they're really hot pies. Ooh!

It's a career you should think about, Toby. Vets get respect.

-Do they?

-Uh-huh.

-Hmm.

I've always wondered what respect felt like.

Help! There's been an accident!

It's gonna be OK. Stand back, everyone.

I'm a vet.

We were just walking and he just keeled over.

I'll handle this.

Nurse, the brush.

-What are you gonna do with that?

-Brush my hair.

Keep clear. I'm going in for CPR.

CRUNCH

I think we might have lost him.

SHE SOBS

# Ooh baby

# You're my ladybird. #

What we really need is to get you a record deal with someone like...

..Mickey Crush from Crush Me Records.

Who's Mickey Crush?

Who's Mickey Crush?! Who is Mickey Crush?

-Mickey Crush?

-Your room must be bigger than it looks, Max,

because there's definitely an echo in here.

Mickey Crush is my role model.

He's the most powerful man in the entertainment industry.

Film, TV, music - he's conquered them all.

'Mickey Crush. The most famous man in the world.'

They say he's so rich, he eats off a solid gold plate,

with a solid gold knife and fork.

Wow. We've gotta find some way to meet him.

Mr Crush is a very busy man.

There's no way he'd spend his time with a waster like you, Ben.

-No offence.

-None taken.

Now you're gonna be a waster AND a pop star.

But I'm afraid there are no shortcuts in pop.

We've gotta get to the top the hard way.

Using the stairs?

By conning money out of my sister to buy some instruments.

Picture it, Ben. You, the ultimate rock star.

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

BAND PLAYS

Hello, Glastonbury!

Let me hear you scream!

My name's Ben and tonight I'm gonna rock you!

And you!

This one's called I Don't Know Why My Pancake's So Flat.

Ah-one, ah-two. Ah-one, two, three, four.

# Ooh baby, you're my ladybird

# Oh baby, baby, I love you... #

Wow.

When I click my fingers, you will no longer be afraid of snakes.

I will no longer be afraid of snakes.

Come on! Stupid fingers.

When I whistle, you will no longer be afraid of snakes.

I will no longer be afraid of snakes.

When I clap my hands, you will no longer be afraid of snakes.

I will no longer be afraid of snakes.

How hard can it be?!

When I throw a tantrum, you will no longer be afraid of snakes.

SHE SCREAMS

Guys, I couldn't get any veg, but I think I'm cured of my phobia.

-How come?

-I just gave myself a talking to.

I said, "Dani, it's a snake. What is the big deal?"

It's probably more scared of us than we are of it.

-That's the spirit.

-Anyway, what's the worst that can happen?

One of us gets bitten in the bum

and the others have to suck out the poison.

SHE SCREAMS

I thought in space nobody could hear you scream?

SHE CRIES

Dani...Dani! Calm down, it's just a bit of hose.

I wanted to see if you were really cured and I guess not.

Would you stop making me scream?

If Aunt Sheila wakes up, the snake will be the last of my worries.

What's all the noise about? Aunt Sheila's asleep, you know.

-I know.

-There's a snake loose in the house.

A snake? Cool.

Maybe we could help you find it.

Why would you want to help us?

I know how scared you are of snakes. I hate seeing my sister suffer.

OK, who are you and what have you done with Max?

Of course...in return for finding the snake...

I could borrow the £50 you got for your birthday?

There's the Max I know.

We do need all the help we can get now,

especially with your irrational phobia.

Fine. You can help but no money unless you find it. Intact.

Deal.

MILITARY MUSIC PLAYS

Here's a plan of the house.

To catch a snake, we need to think like snakes.

What do we know about them? Hit me, people.

It's just an expression!

Snakes like warm, dark places.

-Nice.

-They haven't got any legs.

-Right. Right.

-They go like this. Ssssss.

-Yeah.

-They give me the creeps.

-Right.

They have a detachable lower jaw with bilateral undulation

and smell with their tongues.

Show-off.

OK, people. We've got a snake to find.

And remember... No, forgotten it. Let's move.

SNAKES HISSES

-Get it, get it!

-Ooh! Go on!

Basket, basket! It will definitely be in the wash basket!

-Ooh, it's in the biscuit tin!

-The biscuit tin!

Oh, that Toby fellow!

SNAKE HISSES

Oh dear. Never mind, eh?

Please say you've found it.

Look, Dani, you're the actress. Why don't you get into character as,

I dunno, a brave snake charmer?

I've heard worse ideas.

Calling your pet-sitting service PLOPS, for one.

Oh, I see.

Let me limber up.

Huh. Actors.

I'm a brave snake charmer. I'm not afraid of snakes.

I'm brave and fearless.

Darling, you look amazing. That figure - incredible.

Thanksssss.

I'm gonna have the spaghetti carbonara. What are you gonna have?

I'll have the waiter. Ssss.

Wahh!

Can't take you anywhere.

No. It's not working. I'm still terrified.

Toby, don't go poking around where you can't see.

I'm running out of hair gel.

You're not gonna find any under there.

-SNAKE HISSES

-If I can't find the snake, I don't

get paid. If I don't get paid, I can't afford to buy hair gel.

Aghh! Ow.

-Ah...

-What is it? What happened?

I've been bitten by the snake.

I've been...poisoned.

THEY GASP

Next scene.

(Max. Psst.

(What is it?)

-I think I saw something.

-Just stun it, a dead snake is no good to us.

It's not very good for the snake, either.

What you doing?

Since when did snakes have buckles?

I thought it might be a punk snake.

Let's go before we wake her.

CRASH

-Ssh.

-CRASH

(Sorry.)

(Go, quick, go.)

You're right, Dani. I have wasted my life.

-Don't talk like that.

-We can still get you to the hospital.

-No!

I want to die surrounded by my friends,

not fighting for life on some hospital trolley,

wearing one of those embarrassing gowns

-where everyone can see your bum.

-Ugh.

-Don't go anywhere.

Let's see if they've got any anti-venom down at the shops.

Good morning, good evening, good afternoon.

What can I do for you, young lady?

My friend's been bitten. Well, it wasn't me who did it,

-if that's what you're insinuating.

-What? No, I know it wasn't you.

-Then why come in here and suggest it was me?

-I didn't.

I'm sick of you people, coming in here and accusing me of biting.

Look, I just... Forget that.

-Have you got any anti-venom for somebody's who's been bitten?

-Oh.

-I see. Vampire, was it?

-What?

-Was it a vampire who bit your friend?

-Whatever gave you that idea?

Next thing, you'll be out with the garlic and the holy water,

waving it in my face. I'll tell you like I told the rest of 'em,

-I am not, and never have been, a vampire.

-I never said...

Forget it. I think I better go.

Before you go. How's my hair?

-Why?

-It's a little embarrassing.

But I'm having a bit of trouble with the old mirror at the moment.

My reflection's... um, not exactly showing up.

I'm not a vampire, though.

Where you going?

How's my hair?

I'm so sorry, Toby.

For some reason, everywhere is sold out of anti-venom.

Not even the little newsagent on the corner?

-Even them.

-Oh well. That's that, then.

I'm so sorry I've always been so horrible to you!

Careful, Sam. You're getting tears on my new T-shirt.

It's times like this that puts everything into perspective.

I probably need something like this to take my mind off my phobia.

-Actually, I really think this might be helping.

-Really?

Yeah, my heart isn't hammering against my ribcage anymore.

That's great but maybe, with me dying and all,

this could possibly be MY moment.

After all, I only have an hour to live.

Actually, it's more like 55 minutes now.

Oh, woe! Woe! Death, is that thy sting I feel?

It's the TV remote.

-Did you see the snake?

-No, Toby's been bitten, that's all.

-That's all?!

-Bitten by the snake?

No, by a goat.

Great, so now there's a goat in here too.

Co-ordinator. Your pet keeps scratching my leg.

I think it wants something.

What is it, boy? What is it that you want?

Want to go walkies, is that it?

You want to play fetch? Here, fetch the ball.

Go on, boy, go fetch it.

Aww, what is it, hmm?

HE WHINES

-Have you fed him?

-Of course, he needs feeding.

And it just so happens I have plenty of delicious posty-man food here.

Yummy, yummy!

That's it, boy. Eat it all up.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Great, that'll be the snake owner.

Not only am I going to die, I'm also going to get into really big trouble

for losing his pet. Today's been rubbish.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hey! How's it going, cats?

-CRASH

-Ow!

I don't believe it. It's Mickey Crush.

The multi-millionaire multi-media multi-mogul.

You bet I am. Here, have a signed photo.

First one's free.

Wow. Bet I could get loads for this on the internet.

I like the way you're thinking, kid.

-You do?

-Don't touch me.

No problem, Mr Crush.

-Mr Crush, I represent a bold, young talent who...

-Max?

What's going on?

-This is Mickey Crush.

-I don't care if he's Mickey Mouse,

-what's he doing here?

-Um, that's the guy whose snake I was looking after.

Well, Mr Crush. Your snake bit my friend.

Toby got bitten by the snake as well as the goat?

Sylvia wouldn't bite anyone. She's old. She's got false teeth.

If she's got false teeth, how comes Toby's been poisoned?

Hm. The answer to that is simpler than that guy there.

Whatever bit your friend wasn't Sylvia.

-Toby?

-Yeah.

-Answer me this. Were you definitely bitten by a snake?

Well, it felt like a bite... a bit...sort of.

Suppose it could have been something else.

Eh, a loose nail or a splinter or...

Woo-hoo! I've still got my entire life to waste!

Hey, who does this sound like? "Oh, I'm gonna miss you, Toby!"

That was reverse psychology, I was doing it to get you to stay calm.

"I'm gonna miss you..."

-Shut up, Toby!

-Shut up, Sam.

I want my snake.

BOTH: Shut up, Mickey!

Everyone shut up! There is still a snake loose in this house!

If someone doesn't find it pretty soon so that

Mickey Whatever His Face can take it out...

..pet tarantula, I'm gonna use each and every one as you as snake bait.

-Got that?

-I was trying to get some shut-eye.

What the name of Sydney Harbour is going on down here?

-There's Sylvia.

-My name's Sheila.

No, there's Sylvia.

Snake! Snake!

Now that is irrational.

-Well irrational, in fact.

-Get off me!

-Snaaake!

-No!

Give me one good reason not to throw Snakey Boy out into the traffic.

Because she's as scared of us as much as we are scared of it.

Is she talking about Aunt Sheila or the snake?

I guess she's cured, then.

Here you go. Sorry about that.

Hey, it's all right... Ow!

-She bit me.

-Thought she had false teeth?

So did I.

CRASH

I suppose this is a bad time to ask for a record deal?

I'll phone the ambulance.

Another fine show.

I do hope you're going to look after your new pet properly?

Of course I am. I've already fed him, given him water.

I've just let him out to do his business.

You've just let him out?

We don't want him messing up our space ship, do we?

-Where did you let him out?

-Out of the airlock, of course.

Of course.

Help me!

I think next time we might get a window cleaner.

Subtitles by Claire Brown Red Bee Media Ltd

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