Amnesia Dani's House


Amnesia

Surreal sitcom. Toby and Dani are set to enter the Utterly Go Dancing heats, but when Dani takes a fall she is left unable to remember any of the moves... or anything else.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Hurry up, Zarg! Our favourite broadcast is starting.

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I'm still calibrating the atomic hyperspace graviton revisualiser,

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Co-ordinator Zak.

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No.

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No.

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Ooh, ooh, left a bit.

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That's got it.

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Now, don't move a muscle.

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Hi, My name's Dani, and this is my wonderful...

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-I'm Sam, her best friend.

-Oi! As I was saying...

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I'm her best friend, too. Toby.

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-As I was saying, this is my show... Max!

-That's me, I'm her brother.

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-Get out of it.

-And I'm his best friend, Ben.

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As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this is my show.

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It's not your show!

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ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

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Hi, I was just practising.

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Toby and I are going to the Utterly Go Dancing heats this afternoon.

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Which is also why I'm dressed like a total plum.

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ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

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Meanwhile, that racket is my brother.

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And he's just pushed me to the limit.

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# Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

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# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. #

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MUSIC TURNS OFF

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-Oi!

-# Yes, yes, yes, yes! #

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We were listening to that.

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So was the rest of the universe.

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# Yes, yes! #

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# Yeah, yeah, yeah! #

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I'm bored of hearing the same song, over and over, yeah?

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-# Yes, yes, yes, yes! #

-Not now, Ben.

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I've asked you to turn down the music over 40 times in the last three days.

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I wondered what that annoying, whiney sound was.

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Hey, give me back my CD, you!

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Do you mind? The code's private.

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BEEPING

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Since when did you have a safe?

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Since the sixth time I caught you reading my diary.

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If you kept a blog, like normal people,

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I wouldn't have to look for it.

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Write a blog, and have you hack into it?

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-Er, I think not.

-I'm getting that CD back, Dani.

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Good luck. That safe is water-proof, dust-proof,

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fire-proof, germ-proof and little brother-proof.

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-Is it monkey-proof?

-Indestructible, secure.

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You're not getting inside. Now get out of my room.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Little brother-proof?

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That sounded like a challenge to me.

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ORGAN MUSIC PLAYS

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BOTH: Ha-ha-ha-ha!

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-I don't even know why we're here.

-Out! Now!

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Ole!

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-Why, what's up, Sam?

-He's been dancing the whole way here.

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All the way down the street.

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I just wanted the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

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I can't help it. I've got the music in me.

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Too bad you don't have a sense of shame, too.

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Oh, Dani, I've got a new routine.

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-I thought we could practise it before we leave.

-Call me square...

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-Square!

-Why would anyone want to draw attention to themselves

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by entering a dancing competition?

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Because it's fun. You can switch off and let your soul take control.

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I'm not letting anything I can't see take control over me, thank you!

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What are you worried about? You couldn't look any more silly.

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Dressed like that, should you really be lecturing me on looking silly?

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SPANISH GUITAR MUSIC

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Fascinating. I've never heard of this 'dancing'.

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Everyone knows about dancing.

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It's a rhythmic movement of the human body,

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done in sequence with music.

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It's fun. Check it out.

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So, like this?

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Not quite. You've got to loosen up a bit. You've got to...

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What's that crawling on your shoulder?

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Agh! Get it off, get it off!

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Now you're dancing!

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SPANISH GUITAR MUSIC

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Oh, I'm sorry! Really, really sorry.

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Can't we just stick to the routine as originally planned?

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It's simple. Here are the steps.

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Who came up with this dance, Albert Einstein?

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Just try it.

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That's it.

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Step, step, step, twirl.

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Agh!

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-CRASH!

-Dani, are you OK?

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I'm...

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-I'm perfectly pancakes.

-Dani...

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(ECHOING) Hello?

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Is anybody there? Where am I?

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-Hey! How's it going?

-Who are you?

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I'm the giant imaginary rabbit that lives in your head.

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-And who am I?

-I don't know.

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Why can't I remember who I am?

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This what you're looking for?

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-Those are my memories! I need them back.

-Ooh, come and get 'em.

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-Get back here.

-I'm not a hare, I'm a rabbit. Ha ha!

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If you want your memories back, you'll have to find them.

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I won't stand for it, Ben. Taking my CD is nothing but common theft.

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We have but one option.

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Cry like babies?

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Break into that safe and steal everything of hers that's in it.

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But you heard Dani. That safe is monkey-proof.

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I'm the Maxmeister.

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There isn't a safe, strong box or vault on this planet

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that can keep me out.

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Now where did I put that industrial chainsaw?

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Mum and dad better not have hidden it again.

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Are you OK?

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Can you hear us?

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What happened?

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We were dancing, and you took a little tumble.

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-How many fingers am I holding up?

-Why? Can't you count?

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-I want to check for concussion.

-You don't look like a doctor.

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That's not a nurse's uniform.

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Dani, it's me, Sam? Samantha?

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And I'm Toby? The Tobster, Captain Cool Pants.

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Captain Cool Pants?

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Toby, it's only you who uses that name.

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Me, and my many fans.

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Give me your bag.

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Help me, somebody help me! I'm being robbed!

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Have no fear, Captain Cool Pants is here.

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Stay back, Captain Cool Pants. Don't come any closer.

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OK, I won't come any closer. Looking good today.

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Aren't you gonna help me? Use your superpowers or something.

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I am using my super powers.

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This is what I do. I pose.

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I am a super poser.

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-You said it.

-You're the worst superhero ever!

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No, Captain Ice Cream is the worst superhero ever.

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He melts on hot days.

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I've never seen you two before in my life. Keep back!

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-I want to go home.

-But this is your house, Dani.

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Why do you keep calling me Dani? I'm not a boy.

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Or at least I don't think I am.

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OK, now I feel really weird.

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This is proper serious.

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Dani, you've got amnesia.

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You've had a knock to the head, and temporarily lost your memory.

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OK. But why are you talking to me like I'm an idiot?

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I need to go find my memory.

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BELL DINGS

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Good morning, good evening. What can I get you?

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-I've lost my memory.

-When did you last have it?

-I don't remember.

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Luckily for you, we stock a range of ready-made memories.

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-Were you interested in happy or sad ones?

-Both, I guess.

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How can you appreciate the good if not for the bad?

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Now, just to enter a few details into my computer...

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-Thank you. Name?

-Dani.

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Er... Age? Let's say, late teens.

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Happy and sad, hit enter.

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Voila! Lifetime memories.

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Oh, here's a good one.

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Remember going strawberry picking with your parents?

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No, but it sounds like a happy memory.

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Strawberries got sprayed with pesticide.

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You got terribly poisoned. And your hair fell out.

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-What else?

-Ooh, remember that dream cruise around the Bahamas?

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No, but it sounds great.

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You hit an iceberg, got shipwrecked and had to eat the captain.

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-He really didn't taste that nice.

-Are there any happy memories?

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Let's see.

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Your parents won a tenner in the lottery last month.

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The dog ate the ticket.

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What's the last thing you remember?

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Waking up with two complete strangers peering at me.

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What the heck am I wearing?

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And who are you?

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Right. I'm phoning for an ambulance.

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Humans are so careless.

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They should back up their memories onto CD like we do.

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Co-ordinator, how many times must I tell you?

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That is not a disc containing your memories.

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It's a Kylie Minogue album.

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You mean, I haven't had over 30 international Top 40 hits?

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DOOR CREAKS

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The coast is clear.

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I'm fine. I'm all right.

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We need to approach this delicately.

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Safe cracking involves a steady hand and patience.

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Take your pick.

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Mmm... That one.

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Let's go to work.

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-Is that meant to happen?

-Course it isn't!

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Well, I don't know. I've never played tennis.

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The name's Bond,

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Toby Bond.

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Licence to gel.

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Looking good, 0017.

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DOOR OPENS

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What did the hospital say?

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Checked her over, no permanent damage.

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But she does have concussion, which has left her brain a bit scrambled.

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-At least it wasn't poached or fried.

-We need to keep a close eye on Dani.

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With plenty of rest and our help, she should be normal by morning.

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Dancing's a form of rest, right?

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Please, Dani, tell me you remember the steps to our dance?

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-What dance?

-Our dance, to the Utterly Go Dancing regional heats?

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I don't know what you're talking about. I'm not dancing.

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We need to remind Dani who she is.

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It may reboot her brain, bring her memories back.

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No-one's booting me in the brain.

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-Whah!

-Toby!

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What are you doing?

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I thought a scare might stop your amnesia.

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That's hiccups, you fish head.

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We need to remind you of your favourite things.

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-Favourite tastes, sounds, smells.

-What have I got to lose?

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Your memory of the last few minutes?

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Gross.

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Garbage.

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Grotty.

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Maybe your senses got scrambled, too.

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Long story, but I need to find out what I usually eat.

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You look like a healthy sort of person.

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-Maybe try our health food menu?

-What have you got?

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Try our delicious plankton shake. Fresh from the ocean.

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Isn't plankton what whales eat?

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And look how big and strong they grow up to be!

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Ugh! Tastes like sea water.

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Yeah, it's mostly sea water. Plankton doesn't taste of much.

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Amnesia or not, I'd remember drinking that.

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How about what one of our healthy burgers? They're full of iron.

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-You've got to be kidding me.

-Fine.

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If you won't have it, I will.

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CLANG!

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Mmm, delicious!

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We'll have to try something different.

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-We could throw it out of the window.

-I've just had a great idea.

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We'll throw it out the window!

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Wicked!

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You get that side.

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RIP!

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What was that?

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My trousers.

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I hope.

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It's hopeless. Nothing's bringing my memory back.

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Guys, what sort of person am I?

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You've got straight brown hair, brown eyes.

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I can see that.

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-You're funny, talented, loyal and smart.

-You really like dancing.

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Is winning that dancing competition all you want me back for?

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I just want my friend back.

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My friend, who just happened to be really looking forward

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to that dancing competition.

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Look, I know you're in there somewhere, Dani.

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Please come back to us. We miss you.

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Aaagh!

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What do you miss most about our home planet, Co-ordinator?

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Oh, many things.

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The smell of a freshly baked crag-nut loaf.

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The security and comfort of a warm sleep pod.

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The way the blue sun rises over the Valley of Golden Serenity.

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So very beautiful.

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And what do you miss, Co-ordinator?

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Proper bog roll.

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The stuff we have on this ship is like sand paper.

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Why has this happened? Oh, mercy me!

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Toby, get up.

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Yeah, sorry, not cool.

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I'm gonna remember just as much as you want me to remember, OK?

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Maybe if you really tried...force the memory out?

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I don't know about that.

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It's worth a go.

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BURPS

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Ooh, somebody's got windy pops.

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Look, I think you're trying too hard.

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I'm gonna count backwards from five.

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Your mind will travel back to a point before the accident.

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Five, four, three, two, one. You are an early version of yourself.

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Tell me, Dani, where are you?

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-I'm with my friends, in a shed.

-Can you describe your friends to me?

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They're covered in feathers.

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Baagh, ba-ba-ba! Baagh, ba-ba-ba!

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-Dani, what are you doing?

-Laying an egg.

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-Ba-ba-ba!

-It seems you've travelled back too far.

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In a previous life you were, in fact, a hen. OK, OK.

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Three, two, one, you're awake.

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-That was weird.

-You're telling me.

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-Still no memories?

-None that I want to remember. Sorry, Sam. Sorry, Tony.

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-Toby.

-Toby.

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OK, Dani, we're willing to make you a deal.

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-Who are they?

-Yeah, very funny.

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But I, I don't know who you are.

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Dani's had an accident. She's got amnesia.

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-Amnesia!

-Seriously, who is this?

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I'm your brother. More than that, we're best friends, soul mates.

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-What?

-Don't listen to him, Dani.

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Don't listen to them.

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They always try to turn you against me.

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You lying little rodent!

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Max, what are you doing?

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She'll believe anything we tell her.

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Imagine it, a big sister who was with us, instead of against us?

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I'm trying to imagine it, but I'm getting static.

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Dani, don't believe anything Max says. We're your best friends.

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No. You came to cause trouble.

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-He's the one that causes trouble.

-Everyone shut it!

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You're all gonna have to present your sides.

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-I'm sorry, who are you?

-Oh, that's Ben.

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I'm not important.

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Co-ordinator, why do humans lie?

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For all manner of reasons.

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Not all of them bad. Some are called white lies.

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White lies?

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For instance, if I were to ask you how I was looking, you,

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in order to spare my feelings, might say I looked fine.

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So, I wouldn't draw attention to your big, flappy ears?

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-I don't have big ears.

-No, no.

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-Of course you don't.

-I don't.

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Nope, nothing wrong with your ears, Co-ordinator. Your ears are fine.

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-So, I do have big ears?

-I swear, your ears

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are absolutely perfect in size.

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-You're not lying to spare my feelings?

-Nope.

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You have got a big, stinky butt, though.

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You and I were in nursery together.

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I took you to the teacher when you fell off the slide.

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We decided that we'd be best friends forever.

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It was only years later till we met Toby.

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And we all hit it off straight away.

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-The End.

-No, we didn't.

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-What are you doing?

-We're gonna have to be completely honest.

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I'm not going to sink to his level.

0:17:480:17:50

All right.

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At first you thought I was a... a total idiot.

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Dani, what are you going to be when you grow up?

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-I'm going to be a famous actress.

-I'm going to be a particle fizzle-ist.

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Out the way, smellies.

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Hey, we were here first!

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Boys always go first, that's the law.

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-One chocolate milk for boys, please, mate?

-That's not fair.

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He's not better than us.

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I'll show him who's better.

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Oi, pooey bum!

0:18:360:18:38

Oi, what are you doing!?

0:18:400:18:43

Hey, that feels good.

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That is good!

0:18:460:18:48

Wow, I look like a rock star.

0:18:480:18:52

Can I buy you lunch?

0:18:520:18:55

So, we became friends because I put mayonnaise in your hair?

0:18:580:19:01

And from then on we were best friends. Stuck like glue.

0:19:010:19:05

-Thicker than thieves.

-As close as close can be.

0:19:050:19:08

-Bonded like protein molecules.

-Whatever that means.

0:19:080:19:12

Do you remember the day at the seaside?

0:19:120:19:14

Boy, when we went on that rollercoaster,

0:19:140:19:16

after eating all that candy floss?

0:19:160:19:18

And you threw up on that old man?

0:19:180:19:20

Yeah. I was thinking about the rest of the day.

0:19:200:19:23

About what a laugh we had?

0:19:230:19:25

-Oh, right. It was great.

-It was perfect. Apart from the vomiting.

0:19:250:19:31

Oh! It was perfect, Dani!

0:19:310:19:33

Are you really gonna believe all that sentimental rubbish?

0:19:330:19:37

Of course I don't need to tell you how we met.

0:19:370:19:39

-But I can tell you about how we grew so close.

-Give me strength.

0:19:390:19:42

It was a few years ago that we were kidnapped

0:19:420:19:45

by evil circus clowns and made to...

0:19:450:19:49

How's the porridge?

0:19:520:19:53

Tastes like wallpaper paste.

0:19:530:19:55

I think it is wallpaper paste.

0:19:550:19:57

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

0:19:590:20:02

Do you know how long it takes to polish a size 25 shoe?

0:20:020:20:05

Don't worry, Dani. I'll get us out of here.

0:20:050:20:09

Thanks. You're the best brother a girl could have.

0:20:090:20:12

I know, Dani, I know.

0:20:120:20:15

Just let me do the talking.

0:20:190:20:21

I don't want anything bad to happen to you.

0:20:210:20:23

-You mean too much to me.

-Oi, stop yapping, you two!

0:20:230:20:28

Yeah? or what?

0:20:280:20:29

Or... This!! Ha-ha-ha!

0:20:290:20:36

Well, that told us.

0:20:360:20:39

Bring me those red noses.

0:20:390:20:41

-What do you think?

-You look absolutely ridiculous.

0:20:460:20:49

Really? Do you think so?

0:20:490:20:52

-Take this!

-Agh!

0:20:540:20:56

Run, Dani, run!

0:20:560:20:57

And after that, there was that whole thing with the giant squid.

0:21:020:21:06

And psychic monks. Yeah, we had some major adventures together.

0:21:060:21:10

-Sounds amazing.

-All I want is for my dear sister to be whole again.

0:21:100:21:14

Not like these two, who'll knock you unconscious.

0:21:140:21:17

Dani, he's just fed you a whole...

0:21:170:21:19

-I'll be the judge of that, Pam.

-Sam.

0:21:190:21:22

Sam. Look, I realise what Max says sounds a bit far-fetched.

0:21:220:21:26

-But it's so crazy it has to be true.

-What, you can't...believe him?

0:21:260:21:30

-He is my brother.

-Blood's thicker than cherryade.

0:21:300:21:34

Dani, we're your best friends.

0:21:340:21:37

And we're going to the dance heats in an hour.

0:21:370:21:39

-We've been practising for weeks?

-I don't remember any of it!

0:21:390:21:43

Looks like she's made up her mind.

0:21:430:21:45

Come on, Dani, let's go break into your safe.

0:21:450:21:48

Why are we breaking into my safe?

0:21:480:21:49

Because all your most private things are in there.

0:21:490:21:52

-And if they don't jog your memory, nothing will.

-Good thinking.

0:21:520:21:56

I've no idea what's going on.

0:21:560:21:57

If I lost my memory, I think I'd create

0:21:590:22:02

a whole new identity for myself.

0:22:020:22:03

-Start afresh.

-It's a fascinating idea. Yes, to start again.

0:22:030:22:10

To be someone completely new.

0:22:100:22:12

A man of mystery and secrets.

0:22:120:22:15

And what would your new name be?

0:22:160:22:18

Kevin.

0:22:180:22:19

OK, how are we gonna do this?

0:22:220:22:24

Well, we've tried cricket bats, baseball bats, crowbars.

0:22:240:22:28

I was hoping you'd help us find the combination.

0:22:280:22:31

-Maybe you wrote it down somewhere?

-It's possible.

0:22:310:22:34

I'll look in the wardrobe. You look in the drawers.

0:22:340:22:38

Dani, you check under the bed.

0:22:380:22:40

-Got it.

-When we get that safe open,

0:22:400:22:44

and your memories come back, we are going to have so much fun.

0:22:440:22:48

Can't wait! I think.

0:22:480:22:52

Hey, this is fun!

0:22:520:22:53

-Oi!

-Sorry.

0:22:540:22:56

Think, Sam, think.

0:22:570:22:59

-Maybe you could dance with me?

-I don't do dancing.

0:22:590:23:01

-I could give you a crash course.

-I've seen you dance. Crash is right.

0:23:010:23:05

It was an accident.

0:23:050:23:06

We've got important things to worry about.

0:23:060:23:09

Like Dani being lured away by her brother.

0:23:090:23:11

If Dani had memories, she'd know what do to.

0:23:110:23:14

Maybe I could find an elephant.

0:23:150:23:17

-How will an elephant help?

-I could teach it to dance.

0:23:170:23:20

They have photographic memories.

0:23:200:23:22

Toby, that's it. You're a genius!

0:23:220:23:25

I know I'm a genius. Why am I a genius?

0:23:250:23:28

I've got photos in my organiser.

0:23:280:23:29

-And?

-Well, they're photos of me, you and Dani.

0:23:290:23:33

Why don't you keep your photos in your phone, like normal people?

0:23:330:23:36

Oh, of course, that's what normal people do.

0:23:360:23:39

Look, we can use these to prove to Dani

0:23:390:23:41

that we're her best friends, not Max.

0:23:410:23:43

You're right, I am a genius. Oh, don't show her that one.

0:23:430:23:47

My hair looks a right mess in it.

0:23:470:23:48

Let's go!

0:23:480:23:50

Can't find the combination to the safe written down anywhere.

0:23:500:23:53

I've wasted enough time on this safe already.

0:23:530:23:56

Hang on, how come you were trying to get into the safe

0:23:560:24:00

before you even knew I had lost my memory?

0:24:000:24:02

Erm, that's a very good question. And the answer is...

0:24:020:24:06

-Photos, we have photos.

-Oh, don't look at my hair in the last one.

0:24:060:24:10

I've got messy hair. I said, don't look at it.

0:24:100:24:13

These look at all familiar?

0:24:130:24:14

You could have mocked these up on a computer, for all I know.

0:24:140:24:17

-Erm, yeah, they'd go to any lengths to lie to you, Dani.

0:24:170:24:21

-Shut up, Max! That felt good.

-Try something else.

0:24:210:24:26

Max, you weaselly, slimy, worm.

0:24:260:24:29

Hey, these just roll off the tongue.

0:24:290:24:31

You suck, you sucky, stinky, nasty little rat.

0:24:310:24:35

Oh, this is fun! It feels right.

0:24:350:24:38

-Just keep looking at the photos, they may help some more.

-Anything?

0:24:380:24:42

-Anything at all?

-Even a hint of remembering?

0:24:420:24:45

-Yes.

-Yes?

0:24:460:24:48

The combination to the safe.

0:24:490:24:51

It's the same numbers as the date on this photo.

0:24:510:24:53

-That was when we went to the coast.

-And you threw up on that old man.

0:24:530:24:57

-I remember.

-I wish that memory would stay forgotten.

0:24:570:25:00

It was your finest moment.

0:25:000:25:02

Ah, Dani, you must have chosen those numbers

0:25:020:25:05

-because it was such a special day.

-Er, a little privacy, please?

0:25:050:25:10

There it all is! My diary, my photo album

0:25:180:25:22

and my certificate for the 100 metre backstroke.

0:25:220:25:26

This is who I am, all my memories.

0:25:270:25:29

I'm sorry for doubting you.

0:25:320:25:34

And I'm sorry for...knocking you unconscious.

0:25:340:25:37

-Ha, my CD!

-Ah!

0:25:370:25:39

Come on, Ben.

0:25:390:25:41

Let's go. All this emotion is making my skin crawl.

0:25:410:25:44

Right, Dani, you've got about 12 seconds to get ready for the dance.

0:25:440:25:48

-Do I really have to go dressed like this?

-Yes.

0:25:480:25:51

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

0:25:510:25:52

Ugh, I can't believe I thought he was my friend.

0:25:520:25:55

That's the worst taste in music ever!

0:25:550:25:57

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

0:26:040:26:07

Yes, yes, yes, yes!

0:26:070:26:08

-Yes, yes, yes...!

-Ben, I've turned it off.

0:26:080:26:11

-Oh, right. What's wrong?

-I'm over it.

0:26:110:26:15

Dani, hurry up. Gonna be late.

0:26:210:26:24

OK. ..get my hair ready.

0:26:250:26:28

Ole!

0:26:300:26:31

-Sure you're ready?

-Ready.

-Remember the moves?

0:26:310:26:34

-Does this answer your question?

-You're still getting them wrong.

0:26:340:26:38

-So you must be better.

-And you're sure you feel OK?

0:26:380:26:42

-No dizziness or nausea?

-I feel fine, I promise.

0:26:420:26:44

Don't make any sudden movements.

0:26:440:26:46

Great advice for someone entering a dance competition.

0:26:460:26:49

-Come on, let's go. Wha! Dani!

-Dani!

0:26:490:26:52

Just kidding.

0:26:520:26:54

Ah, another episode finished.

0:26:570:27:00

What would we do without it?

0:27:000:27:02

Now what are we going to do with our day?

0:27:020:27:04

We have work to do, Co-ordinator. Reports to write,

0:27:040:27:07

experiments to conduct, maintenance tasks to carry out.

0:27:070:27:12

When you say maintenance tasks,

0:27:120:27:13

you want me to scrub the dead skin off your feet again?

0:27:130:27:16

As the commander of this mission, my feet must be in prime condition.

0:27:160:27:21

Better for dancing.

0:27:220:27:24

Subtitles by Red Bee Media

0:27:260:27:28

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:27:280:27:30

Toby and Dani are set to enter the Utterly Go Dancing heats, but when Dani takes a fall, she is left unable to remember any of the moves... or anything, for that matter, even her own name. Max is especially worried - how will he get his favourite CD back if Dani cannot remember the combination to the safe she locked it in?