Ghost Mutterer Dani's House

Greetings, Co-ordinator Zarg, and happy...

Why are you dressed as the Bunny of Easter?

Why are you dressed as the Father of Christmas?

The human Dani is sure to address what should be worn

on this day of human celebration.

Good thinking, coordinator Zarg.

Hi, my name's Dani, and this is my wonderful...

-I'm Sam.

-Oi!

-Her best friend.

-I'm her best friend, too, Toby.

As I was saying, this is my show.

-Max!

-That's me! I'm her brother.

And I'm his best friend, Ben.

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my show.

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

Hallowe'en Schmallowe'en.

What d'you mean Hallowe'en Schmallowe'en?

Hallowe'en Schmallowe'en, that's what I always say.

How can anyone hate Hallowe'en?

Hmm, let me think, loads of kids in stupid costumes, high on E-numbers,

ringing my doorbell and demanding free food.

You're right! What's not to like?

There are good bits, too - dressing up, games,

the way my hair sparkles in the light of the spray-on glitter.

And it marks the ancient Celts' harvest fest...

Spare me the history lesson, I don't do Hallowe'en, and that's that.

I was hoping we could carve pumpkins together.

I was gonna make a fortune off the trick or treaters

with my new venture. It's got brilliant idea written all over it.

Wow! It really does have brilliant idea written all over it.

Told you.

This no hassle Hallowe'en costume removes the bother

of finding an outfit, repeating the same phrase

over and over, and keeps your hands warm when the treats are given out.

Wow! With a pitch like that, how could anyone resist?

If I weren't such a Hallowe'en scrooge,

-I'd buy one myself.

-Really?

-No.

Mock away, but I know sure as hamburgers are made of ham,

there are folks up... Excuse me.

There are folks out there in need of a Hallowe'en costume.

Think about it, by not celebrating Hallowe'en,

-we free up time to do properly fun stuff.

-Like what?

-Well...

-And don't say analysing your performance in that advert, again.

It was a career-defining moment.

Er, they only used your foot.

Which meant I had to work extra hard to make the performance count.

-Forget it.

-Uh-uh. It's Hallowe'en or bust.

-Then it's bust.

This is a no Hallowe'en zone, and nothing is going to change my mind.

Bah, humbug!

SHE RINGS THE BELL

Good morning, good evening. Oh, good grief, she's got it bad.

-No Hallowe'en spirit?

-How can you tell?

-It's been going around.

Afraid I'm all out. But I could offer you some of this...

Spirit, left over from last year.

Or I could do you an early bird discount on the Christmas spirit?

Thanks, but I'll pass.

Do you fix toasters?

-Monsterrrrr!

-Humaaannn!

Must be getting soft letting them talk me around.

Allowing a pumpkin into your house

-isn't breaking your non-Hallowe'en stance.

-What about Toby?

He's practically covered the place in Hallowe'en stuff.

A T-shirt?

-Yeah, I can see why you think that.

-I'm glad you're going soft.

I...mean, open-minded.

This is why I get my no-hass hallow.

-The what?

-The no-hassle Hallowe'en outfit.

No-hass hallow for short.

Catchy, huh?

Once I get this photo on my website, the orders will be flying in.

How many have you got to sell?

5,000...?

Oh, I knew it.

I haven't ordered enough, have I?

PANELS BEEP

Erm, just tracking the weather on Mars.

-Thinking of going there for a holiday.

-Me, too.

Except I'm thinking of Venus. But I'm not buying anything.

-No, nothing at all.

-Er, nor me.

BABY CRIES ON BABY MONITOR

Relax! The baby's not here.

Mum thought it would make babysitting less stressful.

I didn't realise she meant for the baby!

Right, time to hand over babysitting duty.

SHE GROANS

Colonel Max and Major Ben reporting in for trick or treating duty. Sir!

Since when has army fatigues been a traditional Hallowe'en costume?

-Since they got these outfits free in their cereal packets?

-I've got to

change my cereal, the last thing I got free in mine was a dead fly.

-If it's a costume problem...

-Don't bother, Toby, I'm not taking them

-trick or treating.

-But you have to! Mrs Grimshaw's giving out DVDs!

We're going to split ours half half,

I get the box half, Max gets the DVD half.

Guess you'll have to rent them.

-Now scoot. Oh, and look after this.

-BABY CRIES ON MONITOR

If you take us, we'll cut you in on all the treats we get.

-How much?

-30% on sweets, 20 on anything with chocolate.

-50 en sweets, 60 on chocolate.

-Deal.

Still no. Just wanted to see how desperate you were.

Dani, that's mean, why don't you just take them?

Whose side are you on?

It's not about sides, but if you took them you may feel more festive.

Have you seen it out there? It's crawling with little people

dressed in creepy costumes. It's like an episode of Buffy

in miniature. There's no way I'm stepping foot outside this house.

This is so not over, Dani,

you have a Hallowe'en phobia, and I'm gonna find the cure.

Yeah, good luck with that!

Hallowe'en phobia,

like there's some deep, dark secret why I hate Hallowe'en!

Just look at the watch, not around the watch, look at the watch.

3, 2, 1, and you're in.

In order to cure your condition

we must first overcome that which causes it.

To do so I'm going to show you a series of pictures,

-but I warn you, they're not pretty.

-Bring it on, Doc.

Agh!

Aaagh!

Aaagh! No more, please, I beg you!

I know that was difficult but I believe we have set you on the road

to recovery. From now on, you will no longer be afraid of vegetables.

-But that's not why I'm here.

-It's not?

Oh well, time's up, we'll deal with it next appointment. I'm off

trick or treating. Don't you just love Hallowe'en?

Arrggh!

Kidnapping then brainwashing her? Oh, she'd need a brain for that.

Stealing her diary

and blackmailing her? Oh forget it, she'd love the publicity.

Oh, there must be something.

-BEN ON WALKIE TALKIE:

-What about we hunt down a monster

and bring it here so Dani can see it?

Great idea, Ben. WALKIE TALKIE BEEPS LOUDLY

If monsters existed.

What about a ghost, then?

Cos there's no such thing as ghosts!

HIS VOICE ECHOES BACK TO HIM

Ghosts. Time to give Dani the baby monitor back - complete with ghost.

I knew those T-shirts were a winner. I'm rich!

After sales, shipping and tax, you've only made £34 profit.

Exactly, I'm rich.

I can't believe you sold the lot,

I don't know whether to laugh or be deeply scared.

Either that or someone from Planet Crazy stumbled across his website.

You were right, Coordinator Zark.

The humans were of help.

As I knew they would be, Coordinator Zang.

And now we have one for every little Zang and Zark out there.

So, what are you going to do with all that profit?

Invest in my next venture,

the two-minute Christmas dinner - turkey, stuffing, veg and gravy,

blended together in one bag which you pop in the microwave, and bam!

-It's ready in...

-Two minutes?

-Bingo.

-BABY MONITOR IN A SPOOKY VOICE:

-Dani! Dani!

Did you hear that?

What?

-BABY MONITOR:

-Dani!

-That!

Well, Max, you've done it. I've changed my mind

about trick or treating, so I'm on my way up to do a trick

called Make Max Disappear, as a treat to me!

Trick or...

THEY PLAY AIR GUITAR

Treat?

D'you mind not interrupting our gig?

Where's the other baby monitor?

Clue's in the name, "baby"

-monitor...?

-No, can't get it, give me another clue.

-The other baby monitor's in here.

-Like I said, the clue's in the name.

Still no.

-MONITOR:

-Dani!

Drop the innocent bit,

I'm the actor in this family, how are you doing this?

How can it be me? I'm here, and the only other baby monitor's in there.

So if it's not them, and it's not us...

Then who is that?

THEY SCREAM

And they say I'm a drama queen!

Aaaaargh...

-TAPE RECORDER:

-Dani!

SCREAMING

-You can't be buying that baloney.

-Ah! Well, we saw it wasn't them.

And it wasn't the baby, cos I heard it snoring.

-Then it's someone else.

-Who?

Maybe a fan, someone who saw my ad, was so impressed

and tried to get in touch with me.

-Then why not pick up the phone?

-Or send an e-mail?

-Or a text?

OK, maybe it's not a fan.

Even if it was, how were they getting through on that monitor

-when the only other one's upstairs?

-I don't know!

Maybe they can throw their voices?

Awesome, I'll definitely throw mine away and get a new one.

Justin Timberlake, or that guy that does movie voice-overs?

That's not what it means, Toby.

And anyway, whoever was doing it, they'd have to be nearby.

OK, then, what's your theory?

Well, doesn't it seem weird that you refuse to celebrate Hallowe'en,

the national holiday for ghosts

and ghoulies, and a voice suddenly starts talking to you out of nowhere?

What's weird is the biggest science nerd I know is trying to tell me

a ghost is talking to me through a baby monitor!

There are some things science can't explain.

Like why my hair gel works better when I put it on upside down.

Yes, like that.

And like ghosts - face it, Dani, you're being haunted.

I do not like this sensation of being scared Co-ordinator Zang.

Co-ordinator Zang?

-LOUD BREATHING APPROACHES

-Co-ordinator Zang?

Is that you?!

Aaaaaarrrrrgh!

I went trick or treating.

Guess you won't be wanting any.

I am not being haunted.

-MONITOR:

-Dani! Dani!

And I'll prove it. While I talk to the ghost,

you go and check on the Barmy Army upstairs.

-MONITOR:

-Dani, why don't you believe in me, Dani?

I don't even know who you are.

Hang on, is this Santa Claus?

Cos if it is, my present last year was a size too small.

And since when do I wear a tutu?

If it is Santa, can you tell him to ignore the curling tongs on my list?

I already bought them.

I'm not Santa Claus.

-Then who are you?

-I am the

ghost of this house.

And I'm going to haunt you until you believe in Hallowe'en!

Whoooo!

-It was them, right?

-Er, actually...

-No.

-What?

We snuck into Max's room,

-but he and Ben were just...

-Playing air guitar. Again.

They so need to learn some new instruments.

-MONITOR:

-I told you I was real.

-Now do you believe it's a ghost?

Of course not, you're being ridiculous.

If that's how you feel

I'm not staying around to be insulted, I'm off. Toby!

Er, yeah, me, too, I am even more insulteder,

my insult-o-metre has gone through the roof.

Toby, we get the picture!

See, this is why I hate Hallowe'en, everyone acts so weird.

Insult-o-metre? Dani's the actress, not us.

Though people do tell me I have movie-star looks.

Whatever.

The important thing is, phase one, Project Hallowe'en...

I thought it was Project Get Dani To Believe In Hallowe'en

-So We Can Go Trick Or Treating?

-Project Hallowe'en for short.

So, phase one, complete.

Time for phase two.

I don't know, I feel bad doing this behind Dani's back. Remember what we said?

If we work together, we could turn Dani into a Hallowe'en lover.

So you two could go trick or treating.

And you two could enjoy Hallowe'en without my sister hassling you.

It's a win-win for all of us. I guess so.

And you promise she'll never find out?

We've all signed this to agree what to do if we are captured.

-ALL TOGETHER:

-Change our identity and pretend we only speak Japanese.

-No. Leave the country and never come back!

-Oh!

But let's not get caught, deal?

Deal. But if I was to change my identity, I'd go to Brazil.

I hear hair gel's very cheap out there.

Plus I'm all right at football. And I'd get a nice tan.

And now, back to tonight's scary movie.

Agh!

Now, THAT is scary.

LOUD THUD

Max, keep the noise down!

LOUD THUD

You're going to regret disturbing me!

"Gone to Ben's house, don't call unless it's an emergency, Max and Ben.

"PS: Good luck with the ghost."

You guys got bored without me, huh?

CREAKING

This isn't scaring me, so you might as well come out.

TAPPING

MOANING

'Hi, this is Sam, I can't take your call right now, but please leave a message.'

MOANING CONTINUES

Max, come back,

this is definitely an emergency.

Agh!

-SPOOKY VOICE:

-Dani, do you believe in me now?

Yes! Ghosts are real, OK? Now, stop this!

-Hi, Dani.

-I got a missed call from you, is everything all right?

If you think living in a haunted house is all right.

Oh, so you DO believe in ghosts?

Hard not to when you meet one in the flesh.

Here we are.

Got your SOS, S-I-S. What's up?

Apparently, Dani's had a close encounter with the undead kind.

No way!

That must have been awful!

Well, I suppose you're all happy Hallowe'en now. Probably...

itching to get out and celebrate by, oh, I don't know, trick or treating?

Are you deaf? There is a ghost living here we need to get rid of.

So, who are you calling?

Pest exterminators, I just hope they have a supernatural department.

So you're not taking us trick or treating?

Nope.

Can't we just tell Dani the truth?

Then our house really would be haunted and Dani would kill us.

Face it, our Hallowe'en fun is over.

'Hello, Mr Ghost, are you there?

'Just wondering, now that I believe in you, what exactly do you want?

'Are you hungry?'

Or maybe not! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

THEY LAUGH

Why are we laughing again?

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Have you got anything a ghost would eat?

I don't know about that, but we only serve one thing on Hallowe'en.

-What's that?

-Sand-witches...

Get it?

Witches. Hallowe'en.

-Yeah, great, I'll have three, please.

-Three what?

Sandwiches.

That was a joke.

We don't really serve sandwiches.

-Only burgers.

-I'll have three burgers, then.

Sorry, we've run out, but I do know a good pizza delivery.

Who needs trick or treating when you can have the treats brought to you?

'Hello? Mr Ghost?

'How's the pizza?

'Sorry, it's a bit cold, the delivery guy got lost.

'So, erm, now I've done that, can you stop haunting me?'

Not yet.

There's one very important thing I need you to do.

Are you really sure about this, Mr Ghost?

Oh, yes, very sure.

# I was working in the lab late one night

# When my eyes beheld an eerie sight

# And my monster from a slab began to rise. And suddenly...

# To my surprise, he did the mash He did the monster mash...

# The monster mash... #

Tell me again, why are we doing this?

'As a punishment for your Hallowe'en humbugness!'

-But me and Toby love Hallowe'en, remember?

-'But as her best friends,

'you wouldn't want her to think you're not on her side, would you?'

-I guess not.

-Still, at least no-one can see us.

THEY LAUGH

No-one, apart from everyone on the Web!

Ha-ha-ha! Look at Dani!

# They do the mash... #

Trust me to get haunted by the Simon Cowell of the ghost world.

I can't believe he gave us scores on our performance.

I know, wasn't it great?

I wonder if the ghost likes Girls Aloud? I know all their routines.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, thank the gods, help has finally arrived!

-Be gone, you spirits from beyond.

-Woo!

Excuse me, but we're not ghosts.

Oh, you're not? Oh!

-Easy mistake.

-I take it you're the ghost hunter I called, then?

Esmeralda Me Morte...

at your service.

So, tell me about your ghost.

Well, it communicates via the baby monitor.

And it's grossly overweight.

-How do you know that?

-Did you see how much pizza it ate?

What else?

It has great taste in music.

Sounds like you have a level-four ectoplasmic entity.

That sounds dangerous.

-What does?

-The ghost. Esmeralda here is gonna get rid of it.

She is, is she?

How are you planning to do that?

Cos this is some clever ghost you're dealing with.

F-from what I can tell.

Well, for starters, we're going to need water.

Most level four EEs are hydrophobic. Dani,

I need a bucket.

"Saw your dance routine on the Web. Brilliant, when's the next one?

"Max."

Right, he is sausage meat!

-'Dani! Dani!'

-They want Hallowe'en fun, hey?

Well, they're gonna get some.

-What does that do?

-Level 4 EEs operate at high-energy bandwidths,

this detects and shields me from the ultraviolet light they emit.

-Is that long, medium or short-wave ultraviolet?

-Yes.

Ultraviolet, isn't that the stuff you get sun tan from?

The very same.

You kids should take cover.

This could get dangerous.

I guess we'd better go warn Dani.

-To hide?

-No, to put suncream on.

-THEY LAUGH

I've just seen the ghost! Quick, it's on the rampage.

Everyone run, go save yourselves!

-We all signed the contract.

-It was your plan!

-Shh!

Esmeralda feels our ghost is stuck

and needs help moving into the next world.

In order to do that, we need to spread our energy through the house,

-to push the ghost onwards.

-What about if it doesn't want to move on?

Yeah, what if it's still hungry?

I bet it would love a chocolate and banana milkshake,

with extra cream and sprinkles about now.

He won't, trust me. So, we need to split up.

Sam and Toby, in the den,

Max and Ben, go into Max's room, and Esmeralda and I will stay here.

'Dani! Dani!'

What are you doing?

Focusing my energy. I saw it on one of my mum's yoga videos.

I figure it will help move the ghost on.

We are the ghost, you muppet.

-Oh, yeah!

-There's no way I'm letting that crazy woman get rid of us.

There's still a load of treats I want.

You know, I shouldn't say this,

but I quite enjoyed getting one over on Dani.

-CLATTER

-Agh!

Relax, it's probably part of Esmeralda's routine.

-MOANING

-What was that?

-What was that?

-Nothing.

-Nothing.

-Maybe there really is a ghost.

Don't be ridiculous.

Agh!

Agh!

Were we all scared of the big bad ghosty-whosty?

-You're right. Hallowe'en IS fun.

-That was you?

And Esmeralda.

You can come out now! Two can play at that white sheet game.

DOORBELL RINGS

Read the sign, no trick or treaters allowed!

DOORBELL RINGS

Let me guess, you're Superman in disguise?

It's Clark Kent.

Oh, I'm not in costume.

Oh. Then you've come to the right house, my no-hass hallo...

Oh, thanks, but I've already bought my no hassle Hallowe'en outfit.

Brilliant idea, by the way.

Oh, but I'm not trick or treating right now.

So what are you doing here?

You called me?

From the phone book?

I'm the ghost hunter.

-Then who called Esmeralda?

-WOMAN CACKLES

-Did you hear that?

-Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Come on.

What are you doing?

I'm not staying here.

Anyone for trick or treating?

-Good luck. And, er, give us a call when you're done.

-Ah-ha-ha-ha!

Oh!

Oh, bravo! Marvellous.

-Fantastic.

-'Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

'Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!'

BOTH: Aaaagh!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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