Ghost Mutterer Dani's House


Ghost Mutterer

Surreal sitcom. Dani refuses to take Max and Ben trick-or-treating, so the gang try tricking her into becoming a Halloween believer.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Greetings, Co-ordinator Zarg, and happy...

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Why are you dressed as the Bunny of Easter?

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Why are you dressed as the Father of Christmas?

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The human Dani is sure to address what should be worn

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on this day of human celebration.

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Good thinking, coordinator Zarg.

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Hi, my name's Dani, and this is my wonderful...

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-I'm Sam.

-Oi!

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-Her best friend.

-I'm her best friend, too, Toby.

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As I was saying, this is my show.

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-Max!

-That's me! I'm her brother.

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And I'm his best friend, Ben.

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As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my show.

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THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

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Hallowe'en Schmallowe'en.

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What d'you mean Hallowe'en Schmallowe'en?

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Hallowe'en Schmallowe'en, that's what I always say.

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How can anyone hate Hallowe'en?

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Hmm, let me think, loads of kids in stupid costumes, high on E-numbers,

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ringing my doorbell and demanding free food.

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You're right! What's not to like?

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There are good bits, too - dressing up, games,

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the way my hair sparkles in the light of the spray-on glitter.

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And it marks the ancient Celts' harvest fest...

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Spare me the history lesson, I don't do Hallowe'en, and that's that.

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I was hoping we could carve pumpkins together.

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I was gonna make a fortune off the trick or treaters

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with my new venture. It's got brilliant idea written all over it.

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Wow! It really does have brilliant idea written all over it.

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Told you.

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This no hassle Hallowe'en costume removes the bother

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of finding an outfit, repeating the same phrase

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over and over, and keeps your hands warm when the treats are given out.

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Wow! With a pitch like that, how could anyone resist?

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If I weren't such a Hallowe'en scrooge,

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-I'd buy one myself.

-Really?

-No.

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Mock away, but I know sure as hamburgers are made of ham,

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there are folks up... Excuse me.

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There are folks out there in need of a Hallowe'en costume.

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Think about it, by not celebrating Hallowe'en,

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-we free up time to do properly fun stuff.

-Like what?

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-Well...

-And don't say analysing your performance in that advert, again.

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It was a career-defining moment.

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Er, they only used your foot.

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Which meant I had to work extra hard to make the performance count.

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-Forget it.

-Uh-uh. It's Hallowe'en or bust.

-Then it's bust.

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This is a no Hallowe'en zone, and nothing is going to change my mind.

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Bah, humbug!

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SHE RINGS THE BELL

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Good morning, good evening. Oh, good grief, she's got it bad.

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-No Hallowe'en spirit?

-How can you tell?

-It's been going around.

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Afraid I'm all out. But I could offer you some of this...

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Spirit, left over from last year.

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Or I could do you an early bird discount on the Christmas spirit?

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Thanks, but I'll pass.

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Do you fix toasters?

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-Monsterrrrr!

-Humaaannn!

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Must be getting soft letting them talk me around.

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Allowing a pumpkin into your house

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-isn't breaking your non-Hallowe'en stance.

-What about Toby?

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He's practically covered the place in Hallowe'en stuff.

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A T-shirt?

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-Yeah, I can see why you think that.

-I'm glad you're going soft.

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I...mean, open-minded.

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This is why I get my no-hass hallow.

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-The what?

-The no-hassle Hallowe'en outfit.

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No-hass hallow for short.

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Catchy, huh?

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Once I get this photo on my website, the orders will be flying in.

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How many have you got to sell?

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5,000...?

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Oh, I knew it.

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I haven't ordered enough, have I?

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PANELS BEEP

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Erm, just tracking the weather on Mars.

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-Thinking of going there for a holiday.

-Me, too.

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Except I'm thinking of Venus. But I'm not buying anything.

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-No, nothing at all.

-Er, nor me.

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BABY CRIES ON BABY MONITOR

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Relax! The baby's not here.

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Mum thought it would make babysitting less stressful.

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I didn't realise she meant for the baby!

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Right, time to hand over babysitting duty.

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SHE GROANS

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Colonel Max and Major Ben reporting in for trick or treating duty. Sir!

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Since when has army fatigues been a traditional Hallowe'en costume?

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-Since they got these outfits free in their cereal packets?

-I've got to

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change my cereal, the last thing I got free in mine was a dead fly.

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-If it's a costume problem...

-Don't bother, Toby, I'm not taking them

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-trick or treating.

-But you have to! Mrs Grimshaw's giving out DVDs!

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We're going to split ours half half,

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I get the box half, Max gets the DVD half.

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Guess you'll have to rent them.

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-Now scoot. Oh, and look after this.

-BABY CRIES ON MONITOR

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If you take us, we'll cut you in on all the treats we get.

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-How much?

-30% on sweets, 20 on anything with chocolate.

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-50 en sweets, 60 on chocolate.

-Deal.

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Still no. Just wanted to see how desperate you were.

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Dani, that's mean, why don't you just take them?

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Whose side are you on?

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It's not about sides, but if you took them you may feel more festive.

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Have you seen it out there? It's crawling with little people

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dressed in creepy costumes. It's like an episode of Buffy

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in miniature. There's no way I'm stepping foot outside this house.

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This is so not over, Dani,

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you have a Hallowe'en phobia, and I'm gonna find the cure.

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Yeah, good luck with that!

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Hallowe'en phobia,

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like there's some deep, dark secret why I hate Hallowe'en!

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Just look at the watch, not around the watch, look at the watch.

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3, 2, 1, and you're in.

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In order to cure your condition

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we must first overcome that which causes it.

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To do so I'm going to show you a series of pictures,

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-but I warn you, they're not pretty.

-Bring it on, Doc.

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Agh!

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Aaagh!

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Aaagh! No more, please, I beg you!

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I know that was difficult but I believe we have set you on the road

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to recovery. From now on, you will no longer be afraid of vegetables.

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-But that's not why I'm here.

-It's not?

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Oh well, time's up, we'll deal with it next appointment. I'm off

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trick or treating. Don't you just love Hallowe'en?

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Arrggh!

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Kidnapping then brainwashing her? Oh, she'd need a brain for that.

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Stealing her diary

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and blackmailing her? Oh forget it, she'd love the publicity.

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Oh, there must be something.

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-BEN ON WALKIE TALKIE:

-What about we hunt down a monster

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and bring it here so Dani can see it?

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Great idea, Ben. WALKIE TALKIE BEEPS LOUDLY

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If monsters existed.

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What about a ghost, then?

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Cos there's no such thing as ghosts!

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HIS VOICE ECHOES BACK TO HIM

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Ghosts. Time to give Dani the baby monitor back - complete with ghost.

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I knew those T-shirts were a winner. I'm rich!

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After sales, shipping and tax, you've only made £34 profit.

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Exactly, I'm rich.

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I can't believe you sold the lot,

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I don't know whether to laugh or be deeply scared.

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Either that or someone from Planet Crazy stumbled across his website.

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You were right, Coordinator Zark.

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The humans were of help.

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As I knew they would be, Coordinator Zang.

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And now we have one for every little Zang and Zark out there.

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So, what are you going to do with all that profit?

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Invest in my next venture,

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the two-minute Christmas dinner - turkey, stuffing, veg and gravy,

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blended together in one bag which you pop in the microwave, and bam!

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-It's ready in...

-Two minutes?

-Bingo.

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-BABY MONITOR IN A SPOOKY VOICE:

-Dani! Dani!

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Did you hear that?

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What?

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-BABY MONITOR:

-Dani!

-That!

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Well, Max, you've done it. I've changed my mind

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about trick or treating, so I'm on my way up to do a trick

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called Make Max Disappear, as a treat to me!

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Trick or...

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THEY PLAY AIR GUITAR

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Treat?

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D'you mind not interrupting our gig?

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Where's the other baby monitor?

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Clue's in the name, "baby"

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-monitor...?

-No, can't get it, give me another clue.

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-The other baby monitor's in here.

-Like I said, the clue's in the name.

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Still no.

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-MONITOR:

-Dani!

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Drop the innocent bit,

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I'm the actor in this family, how are you doing this?

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How can it be me? I'm here, and the only other baby monitor's in there.

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So if it's not them, and it's not us...

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Then who is that?

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THEY SCREAM

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And they say I'm a drama queen!

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Aaaaargh...

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-TAPE RECORDER:

-Dani!

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SCREAMING

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-You can't be buying that baloney.

-Ah! Well, we saw it wasn't them.

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And it wasn't the baby, cos I heard it snoring.

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-Then it's someone else.

-Who?

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Maybe a fan, someone who saw my ad, was so impressed

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and tried to get in touch with me.

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-Then why not pick up the phone?

-Or send an e-mail?

-Or a text?

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OK, maybe it's not a fan.

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Even if it was, how were they getting through on that monitor

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-when the only other one's upstairs?

-I don't know!

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Maybe they can throw their voices?

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Awesome, I'll definitely throw mine away and get a new one.

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Justin Timberlake, or that guy that does movie voice-overs?

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That's not what it means, Toby.

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And anyway, whoever was doing it, they'd have to be nearby.

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OK, then, what's your theory?

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Well, doesn't it seem weird that you refuse to celebrate Hallowe'en,

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the national holiday for ghosts

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and ghoulies, and a voice suddenly starts talking to you out of nowhere?

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What's weird is the biggest science nerd I know is trying to tell me

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a ghost is talking to me through a baby monitor!

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There are some things science can't explain.

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Like why my hair gel works better when I put it on upside down.

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Yes, like that.

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And like ghosts - face it, Dani, you're being haunted.

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I do not like this sensation of being scared Co-ordinator Zang.

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Co-ordinator Zang?

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-LOUD BREATHING APPROACHES

-Co-ordinator Zang?

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Is that you?!

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Aaaaaarrrrrgh!

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I went trick or treating.

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Guess you won't be wanting any.

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I am not being haunted.

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-MONITOR:

-Dani! Dani!

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And I'll prove it. While I talk to the ghost,

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you go and check on the Barmy Army upstairs.

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-MONITOR:

-Dani, why don't you believe in me, Dani?

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I don't even know who you are.

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Hang on, is this Santa Claus?

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Cos if it is, my present last year was a size too small.

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And since when do I wear a tutu?

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If it is Santa, can you tell him to ignore the curling tongs on my list?

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I already bought them.

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I'm not Santa Claus.

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-Then who are you?

-I am the

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ghost of this house.

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And I'm going to haunt you until you believe in Hallowe'en!

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Whoooo!

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-It was them, right?

-Er, actually...

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-No.

-What?

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We snuck into Max's room,

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-but he and Ben were just...

-Playing air guitar. Again.

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They so need to learn some new instruments.

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-MONITOR:

-I told you I was real.

-Now do you believe it's a ghost?

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Of course not, you're being ridiculous.

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If that's how you feel

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I'm not staying around to be insulted, I'm off. Toby!

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Er, yeah, me, too, I am even more insulteder,

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my insult-o-metre has gone through the roof.

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Toby, we get the picture!

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See, this is why I hate Hallowe'en, everyone acts so weird.

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Insult-o-metre? Dani's the actress, not us.

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Though people do tell me I have movie-star looks.

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Whatever.

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The important thing is, phase one, Project Hallowe'en...

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I thought it was Project Get Dani To Believe In Hallowe'en

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-So We Can Go Trick Or Treating?

-Project Hallowe'en for short.

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So, phase one, complete.

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Time for phase two.

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I don't know, I feel bad doing this behind Dani's back. Remember what we said?

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If we work together, we could turn Dani into a Hallowe'en lover.

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So you two could go trick or treating.

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And you two could enjoy Hallowe'en without my sister hassling you.

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It's a win-win for all of us. I guess so.

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And you promise she'll never find out?

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We've all signed this to agree what to do if we are captured.

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-ALL TOGETHER:

-Change our identity and pretend we only speak Japanese.

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-No. Leave the country and never come back!

-Oh!

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But let's not get caught, deal?

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Deal. But if I was to change my identity, I'd go to Brazil.

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I hear hair gel's very cheap out there.

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Plus I'm all right at football. And I'd get a nice tan.

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And now, back to tonight's scary movie.

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Agh!

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Now, THAT is scary.

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LOUD THUD

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Max, keep the noise down!

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LOUD THUD

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You're going to regret disturbing me!

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"Gone to Ben's house, don't call unless it's an emergency, Max and Ben.

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"PS: Good luck with the ghost."

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You guys got bored without me, huh?

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CREAKING

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This isn't scaring me, so you might as well come out.

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TAPPING

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MOANING

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'Hi, this is Sam, I can't take your call right now, but please leave a message.'

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MOANING CONTINUES

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Max, come back,

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this is definitely an emergency.

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Agh!

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-SPOOKY VOICE:

-Dani, do you believe in me now?

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Yes! Ghosts are real, OK? Now, stop this!

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-Hi, Dani.

-I got a missed call from you, is everything all right?

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If you think living in a haunted house is all right.

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Oh, so you DO believe in ghosts?

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Hard not to when you meet one in the flesh.

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Here we are.

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Got your SOS, S-I-S. What's up?

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Apparently, Dani's had a close encounter with the undead kind.

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No way!

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That must have been awful!

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Well, I suppose you're all happy Hallowe'en now. Probably...

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itching to get out and celebrate by, oh, I don't know, trick or treating?

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Are you deaf? There is a ghost living here we need to get rid of.

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So, who are you calling?

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Pest exterminators, I just hope they have a supernatural department.

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So you're not taking us trick or treating?

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Nope.

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Can't we just tell Dani the truth?

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Then our house really would be haunted and Dani would kill us.

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Face it, our Hallowe'en fun is over.

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'Hello, Mr Ghost, are you there?

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'Just wondering, now that I believe in you, what exactly do you want?

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'Are you hungry?'

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Or maybe not! Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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THEY LAUGH

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Why are we laughing again?

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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Have you got anything a ghost would eat?

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I don't know about that, but we only serve one thing on Hallowe'en.

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-What's that?

-Sand-witches...

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Get it?

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Witches. Hallowe'en.

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-Yeah, great, I'll have three, please.

-Three what?

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Sandwiches.

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That was a joke.

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We don't really serve sandwiches.

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-Only burgers.

-I'll have three burgers, then.

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Sorry, we've run out, but I do know a good pizza delivery.

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Who needs trick or treating when you can have the treats brought to you?

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'Hello? Mr Ghost?

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'How's the pizza?

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'Sorry, it's a bit cold, the delivery guy got lost.

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'So, erm, now I've done that, can you stop haunting me?'

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Not yet.

0:19:330:19:34

There's one very important thing I need you to do.

0:19:340:19:39

Are you really sure about this, Mr Ghost?

0:19:390:19:41

Oh, yes, very sure.

0:19:410:19:44

# I was working in the lab late one night

0:19:440:19:48

# When my eyes beheld an eerie sight

0:19:480:19:51

# And my monster from a slab began to rise. And suddenly...

0:19:510:19:56

# To my surprise, he did the mash He did the monster mash...

0:19:560:20:01

# The monster mash... #

0:20:010:20:03

Tell me again, why are we doing this?

0:20:030:20:05

'As a punishment for your Hallowe'en humbugness!'

0:20:050:20:08

-But me and Toby love Hallowe'en, remember?

-'But as her best friends,

0:20:080:20:12

'you wouldn't want her to think you're not on her side, would you?'

0:20:120:20:15

-I guess not.

-Still, at least no-one can see us.

0:20:150:20:19

THEY LAUGH

0:20:220:20:24

No-one, apart from everyone on the Web!

0:20:250:20:28

Ha-ha-ha! Look at Dani!

0:20:280:20:31

# They do the mash... #

0:20:320:20:33

Trust me to get haunted by the Simon Cowell of the ghost world.

0:20:420:20:45

I can't believe he gave us scores on our performance.

0:20:450:20:48

I know, wasn't it great?

0:20:480:20:51

I wonder if the ghost likes Girls Aloud? I know all their routines.

0:20:510:20:55

DOORBELL RINGS

0:20:580:20:59

Oh, thank the gods, help has finally arrived!

0:20:590:21:02

-Be gone, you spirits from beyond.

-Woo!

0:21:080:21:13

Excuse me, but we're not ghosts.

0:21:130:21:16

Oh, you're not? Oh!

0:21:160:21:21

-Easy mistake.

-I take it you're the ghost hunter I called, then?

0:21:210:21:27

Esmeralda Me Morte...

0:21:290:21:32

at your service.

0:21:320:21:35

So, tell me about your ghost.

0:21:350:21:37

Well, it communicates via the baby monitor.

0:21:370:21:41

And it's grossly overweight.

0:21:410:21:44

-How do you know that?

-Did you see how much pizza it ate?

0:21:440:21:47

What else?

0:21:470:21:48

It has great taste in music.

0:21:480:21:51

Sounds like you have a level-four ectoplasmic entity.

0:21:510:21:55

That sounds dangerous.

0:21:550:21:58

-What does?

-The ghost. Esmeralda here is gonna get rid of it.

0:21:580:22:03

She is, is she?

0:22:030:22:05

How are you planning to do that?

0:22:050:22:07

Cos this is some clever ghost you're dealing with.

0:22:070:22:11

F-from what I can tell.

0:22:110:22:13

Well, for starters, we're going to need water.

0:22:130:22:16

Most level four EEs are hydrophobic. Dani,

0:22:160:22:22

I need a bucket.

0:22:220:22:24

"Saw your dance routine on the Web. Brilliant, when's the next one?

0:22:340:22:38

"Max."

0:22:390:22:41

Right, he is sausage meat!

0:22:470:22:50

-'Dani! Dani!'

-They want Hallowe'en fun, hey?

0:22:520:22:58

Well, they're gonna get some.

0:22:580:23:00

-What does that do?

-Level 4 EEs operate at high-energy bandwidths,

0:23:040:23:11

this detects and shields me from the ultraviolet light they emit.

0:23:110:23:17

-Is that long, medium or short-wave ultraviolet?

-Yes.

0:23:170:23:22

Ultraviolet, isn't that the stuff you get sun tan from?

0:23:220:23:25

The very same.

0:23:250:23:28

You kids should take cover.

0:23:280:23:30

This could get dangerous.

0:23:300:23:33

I guess we'd better go warn Dani.

0:23:330:23:35

-To hide?

-No, to put suncream on.

-THEY LAUGH

0:23:350:23:39

I've just seen the ghost! Quick, it's on the rampage.

0:23:390:23:42

Everyone run, go save yourselves!

0:23:420:23:44

-We all signed the contract.

-It was your plan!

-Shh!

0:23:500:23:55

Esmeralda feels our ghost is stuck

0:23:570:23:59

and needs help moving into the next world.

0:23:590:24:03

In order to do that, we need to spread our energy through the house,

0:24:030:24:06

-to push the ghost onwards.

-What about if it doesn't want to move on?

0:24:060:24:10

Yeah, what if it's still hungry?

0:24:100:24:14

I bet it would love a chocolate and banana milkshake,

0:24:140:24:17

with extra cream and sprinkles about now.

0:24:170:24:20

He won't, trust me. So, we need to split up.

0:24:200:24:23

Sam and Toby, in the den,

0:24:230:24:25

Max and Ben, go into Max's room, and Esmeralda and I will stay here.

0:24:250:24:28

'Dani! Dani!'

0:24:380:24:42

What are you doing?

0:24:440:24:46

Focusing my energy. I saw it on one of my mum's yoga videos.

0:24:460:24:49

I figure it will help move the ghost on.

0:24:490:24:52

We are the ghost, you muppet.

0:24:520:24:55

-Oh, yeah!

-There's no way I'm letting that crazy woman get rid of us.

0:24:550:24:59

There's still a load of treats I want.

0:24:590:25:01

You know, I shouldn't say this,

0:25:020:25:04

but I quite enjoyed getting one over on Dani.

0:25:040:25:06

-CLATTER

-Agh!

0:25:060:25:08

Relax, it's probably part of Esmeralda's routine.

0:25:100:25:13

-MOANING

-What was that?

0:25:130:25:14

-What was that?

-Nothing.

-Nothing.

-Maybe there really is a ghost.

0:25:140:25:19

Don't be ridiculous.

0:25:190:25:21

Agh!

0:25:270:25:29

Agh!

0:25:310:25:32

Were we all scared of the big bad ghosty-whosty?

0:25:470:25:52

-You're right. Hallowe'en IS fun.

-That was you?

0:25:520:25:56

And Esmeralda.

0:25:570:25:59

You can come out now! Two can play at that white sheet game.

0:25:590:26:04

DOORBELL RINGS

0:26:040:26:06

Read the sign, no trick or treaters allowed!

0:26:060:26:09

DOORBELL RINGS

0:26:090:26:10

Let me guess, you're Superman in disguise?

0:26:190:26:22

It's Clark Kent.

0:26:220:26:23

Oh, I'm not in costume.

0:26:230:26:25

Oh. Then you've come to the right house, my no-hass hallo...

0:26:250:26:29

Oh, thanks, but I've already bought my no hassle Hallowe'en outfit.

0:26:290:26:34

Brilliant idea, by the way.

0:26:340:26:36

Oh, but I'm not trick or treating right now.

0:26:360:26:39

So what are you doing here?

0:26:390:26:40

You called me?

0:26:400:26:42

From the phone book?

0:26:420:26:44

I'm the ghost hunter.

0:26:440:26:47

-Then who called Esmeralda?

-WOMAN CACKLES

0:26:510:26:57

-Did you hear that?

-Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:26:570:27:02

Come on.

0:27:040:27:07

What are you doing?

0:27:080:27:11

I'm not staying here.

0:27:110:27:12

Anyone for trick or treating?

0:27:120:27:14

-Good luck. And, er, give us a call when you're done.

-Ah-ha-ha-ha!

0:27:220:27:28

Oh!

0:27:290:27:31

Oh, bravo! Marvellous.

0:27:340:27:37

-Fantastic.

-'Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:27:370:27:42

'Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!'

0:27:420:27:44

BOTH: Aaaagh!

0:27:440:27:47

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:510:27:54

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk

0:27:540:27:57

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress, continuously left in charge of her annoying younger brother Max, his none-too-bright sidekick Ben and their youngest sibling, the baby from hell.

Due to Dani's 'Halloween humbug-ness', she refuses to take the boys trick-or-treating, so the gang try tricking her into becoming a Halloween believer. Who are they going to call - Ghostbusters?