Jack in the House Dani's House

BLEEPING

Mm! Our 12 months of hibernation are over, Co-ordinator Zang!

Co-ordinator Zang.

GIBBERING

Oh, it's you, Co-ordinator Zark.

I was having a nightmare.

I dreamt we were aliens on a mission to observe human culture.

THEY SCREAM

LAUGHTER

Oh, it never gets old.

You'd think that our new spaceship,

1.7357989 Model 100,000,000,000/B

would have a better hibernation system.

If it's good enough for the Tortoise People of Tortoi 10,

it's good enough for us.

Oh, and we're still in our time for a new series of Dani's House.

That's not Dani's House.

Hey, guys. Welcome to my brand-new house.

Well, technically, it's my parents' house

but they are spending one more night in the old place while I unpack.

BUZZING

Oh! This place has everything -

wonky electrics.

GURGLING

Dodgy plumbing.

SPLINTERING Rotten floorboards.

Whoa!

I'm OK.

So this is my new den. Look!

Got a hammock! And my new sofa.

And here is a box of shoes.

And a half-eaten pizza.

And over here is my genius best friend Sam.

Who is about to read the most exciting letter in the world.

-Dani, this'll be the tenth time.

-I know but I love hearing it.

-Read, read, read!

-OK.

Dear Dani, we loved your demo CD and would like to discuss a record deal.

-Ooh-hoo-hoo!

-We'll be in touch soon, yours awesomely, Mogul Music.

This is it, Sam. Things are gonna change.

APPLAUSE

Hello, Wembley.

-What are you doing?

-Can someone please remove the support act from the stage?

Hello! This is my show. I'm Stella.

-Stella what?

-Just Stella.

-You know, like Madonna.

-Or SpongeBob.

Well, I've never heard of you.

-I've won four Brit awards.

-Yeah, well, I've got a 50m swimming certificate.

I've had 15 number one singles.

I've got a Blue Peter badge.

Ha! In your face.

I've got an OBE for services to music.

I came third in the school break dancing competition.

-All right, I came last.

-Mm-hm.

-Show-off.

And for your information, SpongeBob does have a surname. It's SquarePants, all right?

SquarePants.

We should do something to celebrate your big news.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

BOTH: Party!

Perfect. Mum and Dad aren't here tonight.

-We'll invite everyone we know.

-Except that guy I went out with last month.

-I thought you liked him.

-We're from different worlds.

You're breaking up with me?

I want to date other life forms.

But I love you.

My species has no word for love.

However, we do have over 300 words for stomach juice.

You're such a drama queen.

Excuse me.

This party will be exclusively for people we like.

Apart from Toby, obviously.

-He's got much more important things to do.

-How did he get into medical school anyway?

He passed his entry exam by answering "bum" to every question.

Of course!

Nothing - not even my brother - can stop this from being the best party ever.

-So Farty's having a party?

-Max, what are you doing in there?

-Spying on you two.

-Did we carry that box all the way from the old house?

I thought that box was full of shoes.

Turns out it only contained a big heel.

-Mum said I could stay here.

-You're not coming to the party, guff-bag.

I don't want to go to it, I want to ruin it.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Whoa!

-Benjamin J Ben-Ben!

-Maximus Maximilian!

BURBLING

-Dani, Dani, Dan-Dan!

-I don't think so.

-Sammy, Sammy, Sam-Sam!

-In your dreams.

-So this is your new house?

-No, it's the old house.

We moved it round the corner, brick by brick.

Really? It looks different.

Hey, guess where I've been?

The dentist. You've been going on about it for months.

I love my dentist. He always gives me one of these.

-How many fillings this time?

-Ten - a new record.

It's not something to be proud of.

Are those wasps?

I'm having a party!

The balloons need to say "Congratulations, Dani."

-A party at my house tonight.

-We need food for at least 40 people.

I'm having a party at my house.

That is all the guests invited. DOORBELL

And a top DJ booked. So what's next?

DOORBELL CONTINUES CHIMING Answering the door.

-Hello?

-Yeah, it's stuck.

Oh!

CHIMING STOPS Sorry. Old house, dodgy electrics.

-No worries. So where do you want my woofers.

-I'm sorry?

My woofers.

My bass bins, my speaky-deakies, my chronic sonics, my clatterboxes, my squawk cubes...

-You're getting weirder.

-I'm talking about these.

Ladies, I am your DJ for the evening.

-But I only just called you.

-I live a couple of doors down.

Convenient or what?

You know, you're lucky you got me.

I actually turned down Katy Perry's birthday dinner to play this gig.

-Really?

-She's always on my case.

"Jack, will you take me for a milkshake?

"Jack, will you take me pony trekking?"

-Your name's Jack?

-We knew a Jack once.

I'll never forgive that creep for flushing my history project down the toilet.

And he flushed my lucky troll.

He was a complete idiot.

Well, obviously that isn't me cos I'm so not an idiot.

-Huh?

-MAKES SCRATCHING NOISES

I couldn't cadge a sarni off you could I? I'm hungry enough to eat a buttered horse.

Seriously.

I've been saving this DVD for a special day.

Ooh, shiny!

It contains all of Dani's baby videos -

having her nappy changed, wetting herself on a see-saw.

crying because she saw a cloud shaped like a scary face.

What a loser!

THUNDER

HE GASPS

We'll project the film onto the wall as Dani's guests arrive.

She'll be so embarrassed she won't be able to think about partying.

What was that? It had better not be a ghost. I hate those guys.

This house has a few loose wires. You know that feeling, Ben.

My dad said the best way to solve a problem is by shouting at it.

Behave, you bad house, behave!

Wah!

HE GIGGLES

Ben?

Where am I? This place is amazing.

-Name?

-Ben, with a B.

-Are you a wereswan?

-I'm sorry?

-With the wings - I thought you might be a wereswan.

You know, like a werewolf but a swan version.

-What are you talking about?

-Wereswans are what people turn into when they get bitten by a swan.

Don't you know where you are?

Swan World?

-Try again.

-The North Pole?

I'll give you a clue. The man in charge has a long white beard.

Then it is the North Pole! Which makes you an elf.

I know it's early but can I give you my Christmas list?

I mainly want pants this year. I've been having some trouble you see.

Ben? Wake up Ben!

-What?

-What?

-Wake up, Ben!

-What?

-What?!

-Wake up, Ben!

-What?

-Ben, wake up!

Again, again! Do it again.

Any more gherkins?

SHE SIGHS

Why don't you just help yourself to the entire fridge?

No, that would be greedy.

So what made you become a DJ, Jack?

I...I just love the way sound works, you know?

The thud of the bass note touching everyone in the room at once.

Hundreds of people connected in a moment

because of vibrations in the air.

Wow! That's almost poetic.

It's almost scientific.

Plus I get a lot of free sandwiches.

So, what do you two do?

-Sam's at college.

-Someone's got to be.

-And Dani's about to sign a record deal!

-No way!

That's wicked, man.

Oh, no, that's set me off again!

SHE SHRIEKS Oh! Excitement level's at critical.

Come on, calm down.

Hyperventilating.

I must chillax.

I just hope you're well enough to operate a DVD projector.

RADIO TUNING

What?

-What?

-RADIO TUNING

-What?

-What?

Are you playing a trick on me, Max?

-JINGLE ON RADIO

-Are you feeling OK?

I can hear things in my head.

Those are called thoughts, Ben.

You were bound to have some sooner or later.

-STATIC NOISE

-Though I'm not sure that's healthy.

Go and unwind, Dani. I'll do it all.

Nothing can ruin this party.

DOORBELL Oh! The guests are here!

They're early! My party's ruined! MOBILE RINGS

-I'll get that, you get the door.

-Thank you.

-Hello?

-Yeah, Martin Mogul, Mogul Music. Is that Dani?

No, this is her friend Sam.

Er, yeah, OK, kid, I don't need your life story.

Look, just tell Dani that I think we might have accidentally offered her a record deal by mistake.

You've got to be kidding me.

DOORBELL All right! The party doesn't start for hours yet.

BLEEPING

The name's Blair, Fleur Blair.

-Say again?

-Fleur Blair.

Flur Blur.

So you're not offering Dani a record deal?

Nope, negatory, no-way cliche.

-That did not sound good.

-It's as bad as it gets.

How am I gonna tell Dani?

I can't see anything in here.

Anything at all.

Are you still hearing voices?

I'm picking up the radio now.

As long as you're fit enough to operate a DVD projector.

Straight in at number eight it's...

-It's Fleur Blair. What is?

-What's "flur blur"?

My name. My name is Fleur Blair.

Flublur?

-Fleur...

-Fleur...

Blair.

-Bleugghhh.

-Fleur Blair!

I work for a top-secret government agency.

My card.

It's blank.

Of course. That's because we're top secret.

-And what's that, that thing?

-It doesn't have a name either.

-Because it's top secret.

-Because we couldn't think of one.

It's for tracking radio waves. Somebody in this house has been intercepting our transmissions,

somebody with a razor-sharp criminal intellect who will stop at nothing to get what he wants.

Oh. Upstairs, second door on the left.

Oh!

Please don't ruin my party!

-Who's that?

-Never mind her. Who was that on the phone?

Was it the record company?

-Wrong number.

-Oh.

-Look, why don't you go and chill out?

-Ah, thanks, Sam.

This is going to be the best party ever.

I'm gonna go and try on some outfits!

And it's gonna be the worst morning after, too.

How come we never have parties?

Because such frivolity is below our superior intellect.

You had a party for your birthday last year.

It wasn't a party, it was a scientific experiment.

You had balloons and cake.

It was an experiment

to see how balloons and cakes behave in a vacuum.

Vacuum is right.

I've never been to a party with so little atmosphere!

Ha! Ha! Ha! High five!

I think I preferred you when you were still in the box.

Look at baby Dani getting her nappy changed.

BUZZING, BEN MUTTERS

What's wrong with this? It's like there's something interfering with it.

And she says, "I told you I bought a hat.

And so I says, "Hat? I thought you said cat."

-I'm Secret Agent Fleur Blair.

-I'm sorry to hear that.

I'm a secret agent on the trail of a diabolical criminal genius.

-Name's Max.

-Nice try.

But this is the real evil genius.

You and I are going to have a little word.

What little word would you like? Hat? Pie? Me?

Sit down!

-You're going to give me some answers.

-OK. The fastest animal is a cheetah.

Laser stands for light amplification by stimulating emission of radiation.

-The Italian for potato is...

-Wait until I've asked the questions.

What is going on?

SHE SIGHS

CHILL-OUT MUSIC OK, need to calm down.

Yee! I'm gonna be a star!

No! Stop, relax.

CD: Hello and welcome to relaxation with me, Guru Uhuhu-uhuru.

Together, we're going to explore a universe of calm.

Picture yourself gently stroking a baby unicorn.

By now, you'll be starting to feel...

relaxed.

Completely relaxed and floppy,

like a floppy hat

or a big floppy puppy's tongue.

Or a floppy slice of wafer-thin ham.

Maybe I should just tell her the truth. Dani hates being deceived.

It's just as well I'm not deceiving her in some way, then.

I'll tell her tomorrow. I don't want to ruin her party.

You mean, you're going to tell her right after she's told her guests about the deal she thinks she has?

OK, maybe we should just call it off.

Will you be OK down here if I go and speak to Dani?

Hey, I'm a professional.

What's this for?

I want you to tell me everything.

-Everything?

-Start at the beginning.

Well, it all started about 14 billion years ago with the Big Bang.

An atom of matter exploded into the universe we know today.

It then expanded and cooled.

Not everything ever.

This isn't working.

-I need your help.

-Don't you ever knock?

There's a secret agent who thinks Ben is a diabolical genius

and she's interrogating Ben and he can't cope and I want to be interrogated

and I need Ben to help me ruin your party.

Right. I was on your side up until the bit about ruining my party.

I knew honesty wouldn't get me anywhere.

You suck!

Why can't I relax? It's like there's something niggling at the back of my head.

Nah!

KNOCKING

-Dani, I need to tell you something.

-It's not something bad is it?

I'm going to give you a makeover.

-Really?

-Yep.

-Oh, make me into your favourite film star!

-Really?

Rraow!

PURRING

We know you've been intercepting our transmissions.

Where are you hiding your equipment?

Bit personal.

Right, you've clearly been trained to resist questioning.

I think it's time to bring out the instrument of interrogation.

Is it a trumpet?

No more Mrs Nice Guy.

MECHANISM WHIRRS

BEN LAUGHING

She's killing him.

It's not fair that Ben gets all the attention.

That's enough, Flur Blur!

-Why are you still laughing?

-It's a happy memory.

Leave my friend alone!

I'm gonna take your friend back to HQ and strap him into the mind probe.

Huh! No! Not the mind probe.

What's the mind probe?

Ah! This is so relaxing.

All finished.

What have you done?

What you told me to do!

I never said for you to make me like a panda!

Look!

GROWLING

-I got the skills to pay the bills.

-YOWLING

-Oh, no. Not you.

-HISSING

Not again!

A-ha-ha!

SCREECHING

HISSING AND GROWLING

VICIOUS YOWLING

You said for me to make you look like my favourite movie character and I really like Kung Fu Panda.

Star! I said make me look like your favourite movie star.

Oh!

This is great. People are gonna start arriving and I look like a hideous troll.

Troll.

INANE GIGGLING

He is the Jack we used to go to school with.

CLATTERING

He's gonna wreck my party!

There's a good pussy.

Good pussy!

SCREAMING AND YOWLING

ANGRY MEOWING

Go away!

Eat party popper!

-Yes!

-LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Jack!

THEY SHRIEK

Er... You look nice, Dani.

-What are you doing?

-It was self-defence.

This weird local stray got in here.

We're sort of, well, mortal enemies.

-Your mortal enemy is a cat?

-A cat from hell.

We know who you are, Jack.

-Ah.

-Do you have any idea how annoying you used to be?

Oh, if ruining Sam's project and flushing my troll weren't enough,

you turned up like a bad penny after all these years to ruin my party!

It's coincidence Sam booked me.

But I'm not like that any more.

I haven't flushed anything down the toilet in years.

Of course, one in every ten people come away from the probe with their mind wiped.

That won't make much difference. You still can't do that with my friend.

It's me you want. I intercepted your transmissions.

Gasp!

I know I was a total idiot when we were kids

but I was going to make it up to you by playing the DJ set of my life.

Oh! I just wanted to celebrate my big news with the perfect party.

-What?

-Nothing.

Do you two know something?

Sam?

The record company rang.

There was a mix-up and you haven't been offered a record deal.

And when were you planning on telling me this?

-After the party.

-After I told everyone that I thought I was getting a record deal.

-Told you.

-I can't believe you both knew about this.

That's it. I'm giving up on my dreams.

Oh, but you have to dream, Dani. I dream all the time.

Last night, I dreamt I'd grown a beak.

Shut up and get out!

But, Dani...

Look on the bright side. At least you've still got the balloons.

Can you give me a moment?

SCREAMING

Shall we tidy up?

The worst thing is, I'm mostly disappointed about Jack.

He seemed really nice.

This may sound weird but I think he's changed for the better.

Ahem.

-What are you doing back?

-Er, I made some sandwiches to say sorry for the mess I caused.

There's jam and anchovy and ketchup and olive.

And I texted my mate Tony who runs a small record label,

told him about your demo and he wants to hear it.

-Anyway...

-Wait. Jack.

Do you want to come to the party?

Not just as a DJ but as our guest?

-You want me at your party?

-Someone's got to eat these sandwiches.

OK but can I please DJ?

DJing is in my soul. I'm an artist!

Ooh, pizza!

Mm.

Delicious! Mm...

PINGING NOISE

PINGING STOPS

PINGING STARTS AGAIN

PINGING STOPS

The device comes up blank with you

but when I hold it near your friend... PINGING

Have you got any implants in your head?

-Like a metal plate?

-I've just had ten fillings.

And he got an electric shock.

Which must've turned your fillings into a basic receiver circuit.

So that's why he was hearing things.

So they weren't thoughts!

Phew!

OK, time to fire up my decks.

Eh?

ELECTRICITY FIZZES

This does not look good.

RADIO TUNING

Well, better get on.

Try and catch some real evil geniuses.

If it helps, I want to be an evil genius when I grow up.

Then maybe I'll see you in a few years, kiddo.

Remember, the name's Blair - Fleur Blair.

CLATTERING

Ow!

I've really hurt my knee.

I may have ever so slightly overloaded your electrics.

I thought you were a professional.

When I said I'd done loads of celebrity gigs,

what I meant to say was, I've played a couple of children's parties.

Well, well, this does look nice. Too bad we're about to ruin it.

And how will your projector work with the power off?

What?

But there must be electricity. I need electricity to embarrass you.

KNOCKING Ooh, and there's my guests.

No, no, no!

-Come on in, guys.

-Shame we haven't got any music.

It's OK, I can pick up the radio on my teeth.

TUNING

-THUMPING DANCE MUSIC

-Come on, then!

Ah! How I've missed our favourite earth TV show.

Yes. Dani and her friends seem to be enjoying themselves at their party.

For the very last time, we are not here to party.

What if I had one and said it was a sleep-over.

Our mission is to gather data on the humans, not to have fun.

Well, it's too late. I've already advertised my next bash.

What? Advertised it where?

On... on Spacebook.

Spacebook?

You can't advertise our address on the galactic internet!

Anyone could turn up.

I've come to party! Party, party, boogie, boogie.

I hate gatecrashers.

Boogie, boogie, boogie! Hey, where's the cake?

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's rock these waves right out to sea

# I will be breaking free. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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