Sport Relief Special - Marathon Man Dani's House


Sport Relief Special - Marathon Man

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Good morning!

-'I'm not talking to you.'

-You just did, didn't you?

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'No. I'm using...' VOICE SPEEDS UP: 'I'm using...'

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'a neural telepathic interface.'

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-Same difference.

-'There's been a serious breach of on-board protocol.

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-'I'm referring it to high authority.'

-What are you talking... Sorry.

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-..interfacing about?

-'You ate the last crystalberry jam!'

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-Yeah, so?

-I was saving it!

-You'll have to get up earlier, won't you?

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-Lazybones.

-You don't even like crystalberry jam.

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-I fancied a change!

-So you are without remorse?

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-Pretty much, yeah.

-So be it.

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-What is it?

-HE MUNCHES

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-SHE GASPS

-No!

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Not my fish-spring chutney imported from Garrigonnum 5?

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-You absolutely loathe it!

-Now we're even.

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I suppose the next supply ship won't arrive for months.

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No. It's arriving just after Dani's House.

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Hi, my name's Dani.

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-And this is my fantastic new...

-Best friend Jack!

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Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?

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Your name's Dani, and I'm your best friend too, Sam.

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As I was saying, this is my fantastic new... Max!

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I'm her brother, and actually, it's... Ben?

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What? Oh! It's our show...

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Can you just zip it?!

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As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

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-THEY ALL SHOUT

-I give up!

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THEY ARGUE

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Owwwwwwwww!

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If I could bend that way, I'd be making good money in the circus.

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I'm doing a video to go with my latest song.

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It's got a tricky dance routine, so I'm trying to get into shape.

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-Pretzel-shaped, more like!

-Right!

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Stork position.

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-Leg goes there...

-Right.

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-Arms raised...

-JACK: I can't see!

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-Find your balance...

-I think I left it in my other jeans.

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-Dani, you're doing it!

-Hey, look at me, I'm doing it!

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-Just hop to your left...

-Do you mind?

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I'm teaching Dani to be more flexible.

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OK. Well, how about she does her yoga after my programme?

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-I want to achieve something.

-If it's looking a dilly, you have!

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Ignore him. He has no conception of fitness.

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Actually, I'm totally fit.

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My body is a well-honed machine.

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A machine for eating crisps and yawning, more like.

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-When did you last do a workout?

-I don't need to.

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-I'm a natural athlete.

-So...never?

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Ha ha! I could run a marathon tomorrow if I felt like it.

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Yeah, right! I've seen you rest on the way to the fridge. Marathon?

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You couldn't even do a fun run.

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Fun? And running? Doesn't really seem right.

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Not for you. The only time you break a sweat is after a vindaloo pizza.

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Vindaloo...! Mmmmm!

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I mean...rubbish! I could do a fun run any day.

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-Just your luck then.

-Really?

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There's one next week. 10 kilometres for Sport Relief.

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10k? Is that all?

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-That's over six miles.

-Pffft! Piece of cake.

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-I mean...nutritious energy bar.

-All right then.

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Let me be the first to sponsor you.

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Put me down a pound for every kilometre.

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-What?

-Me too. Make that two quid.

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-Five quid.

-Ten.

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Ten quid a kilometre? Both of you?

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Don't think I'll need to raid my piggy bank!

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Jack, the world's fastest couch potato!

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THEY LAUGH

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Ah, Jack. Please, lie down.

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You'll be fully grown soon.

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Have you considered what you'd like to be? Boiled, fried, baked?

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I was thinking of something with an international flavour.

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Ah, dauphinoise. Patatas bravas.

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Not really. Like, a film director.

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A top rocket scientist. A rich playboy, who's really a spy!

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I've got lots of eyes.

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Well, yes, because you're a potato.

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-I want to be different.

-A new potato!

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I applaud your ambition. Have you considered being

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a lipid-immersed carbohydrate delivery platform?

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-You mean a chip?

-Well, yes. But it's good steady work.

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I feel too starchy as it is! I'm running a marathon.

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Jack, Jack, you're a tuber! Accept it. Take it lying down.

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No! I have dreams. I could be the first spud in space.

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-You leave me no choice.

-What...?

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No! No! No! HE SHRIEKS

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Die, die, die, die, die, die!

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I've died.

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As a zombie holds me down and eats my brain.

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Just a normal day at the office.

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-GROANING ON GAME

-Die, die, die... Hey!

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How can you stand to play that old heap of junk?

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You said this console was at the bleeding edge of tomorrow.

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-Art fused with technology to become hyper-entertainment.

-Last month!

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Now look at it. What a dinosaur!

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My grandad could draw faster graphics with his watercolour set.

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Check THIS out.

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12 gigapixels,

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and 10 million independently shaded polygons per second.

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Wow! ..What does that mean?

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Zombies with photo-realistic drool.

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We've got to get one. How much?

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-£350.

-How much do you have?

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£4.76 and a 10 krona note.

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Right. Shall I plug the old console back in now?

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No! We're better than this.

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There must be something devious we can do.

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You're not fooling anyone but yourself.

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Well, it's a good start. And I'm definitely getting more flexible.

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-Like some supple willow sapling?

-No!

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Like old knicker elastic.

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I've done it! I've done it.

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-Finally lost your marbles?

-No. I've entered the fun run.

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I'm number 3472.

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-Do you think I'll be near the front?

-You've entered?

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I'll be tearing round that course in a week.

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THEY LAUGH

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-No way.

-In your couch potato dreams!

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Oh, come on! You two have seriously inspired me.

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You'll be glad to know I'm doing it for Sport Relief.

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Wait. We agreed to sponsor him.

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You said ten quid a kilometre.

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-That's...

-£100 each.

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-What?!

-Relax! Jack goes off on one sometimes.

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He'll soon see something shiny and forget all about it.

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Ooooh!

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Pretty!

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No... No.

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I'm in training.

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One!

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Two!

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100% improvement.

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Way to go, Jack. A new PB.

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-PB?

-Personal best.

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# I'm a little Dutch girl Dressed in blue

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# These are the things I'd like to do... #

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-You'll hurt yourself.

-Or the runner in front when you fall on him.

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Or both!

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Oh, I see! It's OK for you to have goals.

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But as soon as I challenge myself to be all I can be,

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then all you can do is laugh.

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Basically, yeah!

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Jack, be realistic.

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All my life, people have told me to be realistic.

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What's so good about reality?

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Was Churchill realistic?

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Was Michelangelo realistic?

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-Actually, yes.

-Was Einstein...realistic?

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No. He was relative...istic!

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I made a physics joke!

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And they said it couldn't be done!

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-You have great future ahead of you.

-As a physicist, Professor Einstein?

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No! As a comedian. That is the funniest equation I've ever seen!

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Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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CHALK SQUEAKS

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So the horse said to the bartender,

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"I think you'll find the length of my face is simply a result of...

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-"years of natural selection!"

-THEY ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

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Thank you, you've been a great crowd. I'm here all week!

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SHE WHINNIES

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Anyway, remember we're on for a curry tonight?

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Not me. I have to watch what I eat.

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-My body is my temple.

-This coming from the human wheelie bin?

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I didn't know he was that strong.

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Don't worry, they're not as heavy as they look.

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Jack, we hear you're doing a fun run.

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-Congratulations!

-Yeah. My mate's dad did one once.

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He got a hairline fracture of the pelvis. It was agonising.

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They had to put all these metal pins in his... Ow!

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Probably overdid it on the training.

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-I'm not falling into that trap.

-I can't see any way you could improve.

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Hey, thanks! Nice to hear someone being positive for a change.

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So you can concentrate on the race,

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-we'll take on your sponsorship drive.

-For free.

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Of course, there will be some unavoidable expenses.

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Leaflets, websites, entertainment...

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-Entertainment?

-Taking sponsors out for slushies.

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Don't worry. We'll handle it all. We raise money while you...

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Raise your knees!

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I want to get pots of money for Sport Relief.

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And I don't care how you do it.

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Super. You can just leave that to us then.

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So great to help people in need.

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Especially children.

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-COCK-A-DOODLE-DOO!

-Ommmmmmm....

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GRUMBLING

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Sorry!

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Can't you even go an hour without tea and toast?

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ANGRY GRUMBLING

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-Ommmmmmm...

-DOORBELL RINGS

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Jack, it's seven o'clock in the morning.

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Saw your light on. I'm inspired by your example.

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-We're so committed!

-We should be.

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-I've been running since 5:30.

-What?!

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I can't believe it either. It's like a new me!

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Only threw up twice.

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Sam! Never mind the time.

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Guess who rocked up here after his early morning run?

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Well, try! If he gets fit, we're both out of £100.

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Get here now!

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YOU calm down!

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No, you calm down!

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Eugh! What is that?

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Protein milkshake.

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You know, since you got up and did a long run,

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you deserve a proper breakfast.

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-Well...

-I'll make it for you. That's what friends are for.

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Now, what would you like?

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Eggs,

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a couple of pounds of bacon,

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sausages,

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tomatoes,

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or you can have some hot, buttery toast.

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They all sound delicious.

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No, thanks.

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I need to stick to my training regime. Oh, I will have some eggs.

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BOTH: Eugh!

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-So this would be...

-The lid. Yeah.

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Jack, look, no offence, but this is so unlike you.

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-What, forgetting to put the lid on?

-No, that's totally like you.

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I mean, the getting up early, trying hard,

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remembering what you're meant to be doing.

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Oh-h!

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What?

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Yeah. I know.

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It's like I've had this winner living inside of me all this time,

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but he's always been kept down by Mr Why-Should-I-Try?

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-or Mr Afraid-To-Lose - those are the nagging nabobs of negativity.

-Yeah.

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Shall I let you in on my secret?

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I downloaded this motivational thinking course.

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You play it while you sleep.

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It made me see that I could do anything I want to do.

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Great(!)

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Ever since I stopped listening to the fail whale

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and started swimming with the salmon of success,

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I've realised that I'm basically better than anyone else around me.

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The "fail whale"?

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Imagine you're a raisin in a giant warm currant bun of love.

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Embrace your inner winner,

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and if anyone gets in your way, gently crush them.

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They're just jealous.

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Aren't you teaching us it's OK to be smug and selfish?

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Oh, dear, John.

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It seems John has been talking to the fail whale again.

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Good. Now, anyone else?

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Let's form a circle and pat ourselves on the back.

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I said, "Pat!"

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What's wrong with people? They're just so uncharitable.

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-Not like you.

-I put 50p in the collection box at the school disco.

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Yeah, then took out a note.

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Can you believe someone put 10 krona in? How low can you stoop?

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The website's been live for seven hours

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and, so far, only one person has signed up to sponsor Jack.

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-One person? That's great.

-For 2p a kilometre

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-with a 10p bonus if he has to be put down?

-Cheapskates.

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At this rate, we won't raise nearly enough money for Sport Relief.

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I spent £100 on the website and this.

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-So that means...

-We're 100 quid less 20p in debt.

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-I get it all except the "we" part.

-WE are in this together.

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If worst comes to worst, you'll have to sell your misshapen vegetables.

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-No! Not my babies!

-It hasn't come to that yet,

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but we're going to have to do something drastic.

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Ugh! 59...60...61...

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-62...

-Hi, Jack.

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-Looking good!

-But he's standing on that. ..Ow!

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You're an inspiration to us all.

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I realised I can't let anything get in my way.

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Not even reality.

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-So, how's the sponsorship drive?

-Jack, we won't lie to you.

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-It's going brilliantly!

-Great!

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To help it go even better, we want you to run in this.

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Cool.

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Er...why?

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To help raise your profile -

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you know, like some people run dressed as salt and pepper shakers

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or as Batman and Robin.

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Or a dog and a lamp-post.

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-See, you're a gnome, everybody loves gnomes.

-I don't.

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I find them sinister and creepy.

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Aren't these a bit long? I thought gnomes were supposed to be tiny.

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Trust me. You're not going to be any old gnome.

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We're going to make sure you stand out from the crowd.

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Wow! I'll be a hero -

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like the guy who did the very first marathon...whatever his name was.

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Look, a runner from the Plain of Marathon.

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What news?

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Four words. ..First word.

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Sounds like.

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-Fart.

-Fart...

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Hands.

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Sounds like fart...hands.

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Spartans!

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The Spartans hold the...

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..banana!

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The Spartans hold the banana!

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Horse...overtake...

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Pass.

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-The Spartans hold the pass!

-CHEERING

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Tell us your name and we will hold a race in your honour.

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It's Jack.

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Then wee shall call the race a "marathon"!

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We could try and superglue him to the couch

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with a box set of horror films.

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He'll probably fall into a canal.

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-No, he's spookily focused. He might actually do it.

-So?

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Isn't that sort of good?

0:16:440:16:46

Yeah, if you've got 100 quid to spare.

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I know it's a lot of money, but Jack's our friend.

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We should be supportive.

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-And Sport Relief is a brilliant cause.

-That's true.

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BOTH SCREAM

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What do you think?

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-It's my costume for the race.

-A gnome?

-Yeah.

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The way I see it, anyone can do a fun run, but I'm better than that.

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I'll do it in record time whilst raising loads of dosh.

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-Oh, is that all?

-No, and I'm doing it on stilts.

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I'll be famous, but don't worry, I won't forget about the little people,

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like you, who helped me stand out.

0:17:210:17:24

-Forget the money. He needs taking down a peg or seven.

-Yeah.

0:17:260:17:30

Where do we start?

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TAPE PLAYS: 'Nail those nagging nabobs of negativity,

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'and flick the tail of the fail whale.'

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-DREAMY AMERICAN ACCENT:

-You are excellent at many things,

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like burping the National Anthem,

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and biting your toenails, but running ain't one of them.

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You feel positive, focused and tired,

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incredibly tired all the time.

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Your legs feel like wet noodles

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and you have an insatiable appetite for cheese.

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Yeah! By tomorrow, he'll be struggling to run a bath.

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Don't try fly-posting the windows of the minicab office.

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They're quite touchy.

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The world's tallest gnome is getting hits but no-one's giving.

0:18:160:18:19

This is destroying my faith in humanity.

0:18:190:18:23

-You have faith in humanity?

-We need to get people here...

0:18:230:18:26

make them feel his pain.

0:18:260:18:27

I know, what about if we gave him a half-hour head start

0:18:270:18:30

and then sent bloodhounds after him?

0:18:300:18:32

-Nah.

-Flying monkeys?

0:18:320:18:35

How about he could run in scuba gear

0:18:350:18:37

-with his head in a bowlful of goldfish?

-Why?

0:18:370:18:39

Or he sets off the other way, runs round the world, minus 10k.

0:18:390:18:43

I've got it! He'll be in training. Come on.

0:18:430:18:45

-Let's hope he falls over.

-Yeah, we'll make a fortune.

0:18:450:18:48

-We're going to make millions.

-Trip him up, trip him up!

0:18:480:18:53

Millions.

0:18:530:18:55

'And you have an insatiable appetite for cheese!'

0:18:570:19:02

Oh!

0:19:200:19:21

1...

0:19:230:19:25

Oh, what's the use?

0:19:250:19:26

Top hat, coat, pair of shoes

0:19:260:19:30

Don't try cos you're bound to lose!

0:19:300:19:33

Agh! What's wrong with me?

0:19:330:19:35

'You're as weak as a kitten. Your legs are like wet noodles.'

0:19:350:19:40

SWITCHES TV ON

0:19:490:19:51

Ha-ha-ha! Great!

0:19:540:19:56

No, I can't let everyone down.

0:19:570:20:00

SWITCHES TV OFF I'm going to go for a training run.

0:20:000:20:02

Come on! I've got to dig deep.

0:20:050:20:07

-'And you have an insatiable appetite for cheese.'

-Hold on.

0:20:070:20:12

Human confidence is so fragile.

0:20:160:20:20

One minute you're up, then you're down.

0:20:200:20:22

-"Oh, I'm the biz!" "Oh, I'm a wombat!"

-Oh, it's true.

0:20:220:20:26

You ARE a wombat. I'm glad you said it and not me.

0:20:260:20:30

It's a shame.

0:20:300:20:31

You've got that kind of almost handsome face, haven't you?

0:20:310:20:34

This won't work. Rationally, I know I'm quite good-looking.

0:20:340:20:39

-If your tentacles weren't so close together.

-Nice try.

0:20:390:20:42

And that bulbous forehead and those neck warts.

0:20:420:20:46

You don't have nearly enough of them.

0:20:460:20:48

Wow! He scoffed the whole plate.

0:20:530:20:55

-The only record he'll be breaking as quick is giving up.

-Teach him!

0:20:550:20:59

The big...show-off!

0:20:590:21:00

That friend of yours - what was his name again?

0:21:000:21:05

Right! That would be Eric.

0:21:060:21:10

Eric - who's always showing off about his...

0:21:100:21:14

car.

0:21:140:21:15

Oh, hi, Jack.

0:21:150:21:17

-Sam was just telling me about her friend Eric.

-Don't even bother.

0:21:170:21:20

-What do you mean?

-That's what you told me, wasn't it?

0:21:200:21:23

"You're very tired, weak as a kitten.

0:21:230:21:26

-"You have an insatiable appetite for cheese."

-We're sorry.

0:21:260:21:31

Do you have any idea what that amount of cheese

0:21:310:21:34

does to a delicate runner's metabolism?

0:21:340:21:36

Yeah. Does anybody mind if I open a window?

0:21:360:21:38

-I thought I could count on your help. I thought you were friends.

-You can.

0:21:400:21:44

-We are.

-What about people Sport Relief help?

0:21:440:21:46

We're totally ashamed, aren't we?

0:21:460:21:48

I'm prepared to let bygones be bygones if...

0:21:480:21:51

you tell me where you keep the cheese!

0:21:510:21:53

-Jack! You can still do this fun run.

-No, I'm a hopeless loser.

0:21:530:21:57

No, you're not. Now snap out of it!

0:21:570:21:59

Little man in big trousers.

0:21:590:22:01

No, Jack, we're going to find that inner winner

0:22:010:22:03

and we're going to give him a big hug.

0:22:030:22:06

You're going to run that race on those stilts in this,

0:22:060:22:09

setting a new time record for a cheese-crazed gnome on stilts.

0:22:090:22:13

Now, lift that weight.

0:22:130:22:14

Miaow!

0:22:150:22:17

Did he just miaow?

0:22:170:22:18

OK. We've got a long way to go.

0:22:180:22:21

BOYS LAUGH

0:22:220:22:23

-What a total goon.

-Yeah.

0:22:230:22:26

He doesn't mean me, does he?

0:22:270:22:29

Oh, here's a good bit.

0:22:290:22:30

The dog comes in and chases Jack.

0:22:300:22:33

This is so weird. I'm actually laughing at a gnome.

0:22:330:22:36

We're getting loads of sponsors.

0:22:360:22:38

They all want more of the giant gnome.

0:22:380:22:40

They wouldn't give money for someone running for charity.

0:22:400:22:43

But they'll pay to see someone do dumb things and hurt themselves.

0:22:430:22:47

My faith in humanity is restored.

0:22:470:22:50

And with the money we'll cream off for "expenses",

0:22:500:22:52

soon that latest console will be ours.

0:22:520:22:55

Realistic drool, here we come.

0:22:550:22:57

We need more footage. We need to feed the beast.

0:22:570:23:00

Race day's here and this is it. Have you got Jack's racing numbers?

0:23:010:23:04

Check.

0:23:040:23:06

-Isotonic drinks for electrolyte replacement?

-Check.

0:23:060:23:08

-Cuddly bunny.

-Check.

0:23:080:23:11

-Things you say in chess.

-Check.

0:23:110:23:13

-Slip from the bank.

-Cheque!

0:23:130:23:16

Er, guys? BOTH: Sorry!

0:23:160:23:18

-We've got tons of sponsorship.

-The last batch went down really well.

0:23:180:23:22

Batch? What batch?

0:23:220:23:23

The batch...of news about how well Jack's' training's going.

0:23:230:23:28

-It's time!

-Jack, are you ready? Let's go.

0:23:280:23:32

Jack, what is that?

0:23:370:23:38

-Hmm? What's what?

-The car!

-Oh, this? Oh, this is part of my costume.

0:23:380:23:44

It's my gnomobile. All cool gnomes have them.

0:23:440:23:46

You can't enter a fun run in a tiny car.

0:23:460:23:49

It's OK. I don't need a licence.

0:23:490:23:51

That would be cheating - you're not running yourself.

0:23:510:23:53

-So you don't think I'd get away...

-Not a chance.

0:23:530:23:57

Then we might have a problem.

0:23:570:23:59

What have you done to your leg?

0:23:590:24:02

I went out for a final training run last night,

0:24:020:24:05

someone dropped this and I slipped on it.

0:24:050:24:07

-Just bad luck, I guess.

-Looks like a lens cap for a video camera.

0:24:070:24:11

Yeah, but what am I going to do. I don't want to let you guys down,

0:24:110:24:14

-or Sport Relief or those who believe in me.

-You're doing it,

0:24:140:24:17

if we have to carry you every step of the way.

0:24:170:24:19

-Thanks, but I don't think this will work.

-Don't listen to the fail whale.

0:24:190:24:23

Swim with the salmon of success.

0:24:230:24:25

Have I missed something here?

0:24:250:24:27

-You're number 2. I am 3.

-And I'm 47.

0:24:270:24:32

-Hey, you're a prime number.

-You'd better believe it, baby.

0:24:320:24:35

-Good!

-Whee!

0:24:360:24:39

-Ben.

-Sorry.

0:24:400:24:42

HORN BEEPS

0:24:420:24:43

This is excellent. The money's really rolling in.

0:24:440:24:47

Never mind a new games console,

0:24:470:24:49

we might be able to afford real zombies.

0:24:490:24:52

THEY SHOUT "Die!"

0:24:550:24:57

-Oh, no! They're re-spawning.

-Oh!

0:25:020:25:04

This is going to be a tougher level than we thought, Ben. ..Ben?

0:25:060:25:10

Aggh!

0:25:100:25:12

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Agh!

-Agh!

0:25:140:25:18

Did we really just do that?

0:25:180:25:21

I think so.

0:25:210:25:22

To be honest, the last three kilometres were a complete blur.

0:25:220:25:26

This is, without doubt, the greatest achievement of my life.

0:25:260:25:30

Think of all the money we raised for Sport Relief!

0:25:300:25:33

HE HUMS CHEERILY

0:25:330:25:34

Why aren't you limping any more?

0:25:360:25:39

My leg's feeling a lot better now. It must have just been a bad cramp.

0:25:390:25:42

You mean, we ran all that way for nothing?!

0:25:420:25:46

I wanted to quit but you wouldn't let me.

0:25:460:25:48

-We're a team. How cool is that?

-Ow!

-Ow!

0:25:480:25:51

-Ow!

-Ow!

0:25:510:25:53

Fantastic run, Jack. The money's pouring in.

0:25:530:25:56

-No-one thought the idiot gnome could do it.

-Wait.

0:25:560:25:58

You saying there was another gnome racing?

0:25:580:26:01

Yeah, er, anyway, nice one, see you.

0:26:010:26:05

-Um, where are you going with all of that?

-This is just our expenses.

0:26:050:26:09

-We need to pay some things back.

-Not buy a new games console.

0:26:090:26:12

That wouldn't be THIS new games console, would it?

0:26:120:26:15

How about the people who really need it?

0:26:150:26:18

-Come on, Max.

-Come to Uncle Jack. There's a good evil genius.

0:26:180:26:22

All of it.

0:26:240:26:26

Agh!

0:26:290:26:30

Agghh!

0:26:300:26:31

Aggh! No-o!

0:26:310:26:33

GIRLS: Give, give, give if you want to live!

0:26:330:26:36

Not my 10 krona note!

0:26:360:26:38

You're in the way.

0:26:390:26:42

-How's the dance video going?

-Shot it. Went well. Already uploaded.

0:26:420:26:45

-How's it doing?

-Good. Getting hits.

0:26:450:26:47

Not as many as the latest clip

0:26:470:26:49

of some complete prat humiliating himself, though.

0:26:490:26:51

Yeah, let's have a look.

0:26:510:26:54

It's amazing what some saddos do for a bit of attention.

0:26:540:26:58

Yeah, isn't it?

0:26:580:26:59

DOG BARKS ON CLIP

0:26:590:27:02

-Oh, here comes the dog.

-Leave me alone!

0:27:020:27:04

-The gnome scares me.

-I just wanted to say...

0:27:100:27:13

Aggh!

0:27:140:27:16

..thanks, guys, I'm finally famous.

0:27:160:27:18

You can come out now!

0:27:200:27:22

Another fine episode.

0:27:240:27:26

-You were frightened at the end.

-No, I wasn't.

0:27:260:27:28

I, um...dropped my transcoder.

0:27:280:27:31

I'm off for some toast. Stay here if you're so brave.

0:27:310:27:37

By the way, all those tales of ghostly space gnomes dragging people

0:27:370:27:42

out of the airlock, that's a nonsense.

0:27:420:27:46

EVIL LAUGHTER

0:27:500:27:51

Help! Co-ordinator Zang!

0:27:510:27:55

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:550:27:56

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