Christmas Special - Scrooge Tube Dani's House

Why have you brought this plant onto our ship?

It is an Earth tradition.

Many humans bring a tree into their home and put a fairy on top.

-What odd behaviour.

-Hm.

It gives thanks to the bearded man called Claude San

who lives in north Poland and delivers gifts for good children.

They all listen out for his cry. "Is it going to rain, dear?"

What about the children who are not good?

They are exiled to Turkey where they are stuffed

and watched over by a hideous elf called Christmas Steve.

-What barbaric behaviour!

-Indeed. Would you like a mice pie?

My name's Dani. This is my fantastic...

-Best friend, Jack.

-Where was I?

I'm your best friend too, Sam.

This is my fantastically...

-Max!

-I'm her brother and... Ben?

Oh! It's our show!

Can you zip it?

My name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

I give up.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Jack, please stop trying to eat the decorations.

-But they taste like Christmas.

-So does my fist!

When are your mum and dad back?

Any time. Uncle Dave bores them to tears showing off his collection.

This is a dessert spoon.

This is one I found in a bush.

Weird.

Don't you have enough decorations?

There's no such thing as too many decorations.

I couldn't agree more.

Eugh!

Hey, you! It's Christmas Eve.

If you're like me, you're ready to explode with excitement.

-Don't try that at home.

-Makes a mess.

-The tree is up.

The house is almost decorated and there's a fire in the hearth!

Jack, throw on more logs(!)

Mum and Dad will be home with the turkey.

-DING DONG

-That'll be them.

They probably forgot their keys, again.

Speaking of turkeys! What is that?

My Christmas stocking.

-Are you hoping for a horse?

-I don't care as long as it's more than Dani.

-Why is everything a competition?

-I like seeing you lose.

Merry Christmas to you, too(!)

Merry Christmas, everyone!

The Tobester has arrived.

-BOTH: Toby!

-Easy on the squeezy! Don't disrupt the hair.

-You don't change a bit.

-No, really. Mind the hair.

-I spent most of my student loan...

-Tobigo!

Amigo!

GIRLS LAUGH

Santa will have no choice but to stuff in presents till it's full.

I'm guaranteed to get more than Dani.

-Here's your first present.

-Ben, you shouldn't have.

You said you wouldn't talk to me if I didn't.

I didn't get you anything. You don't celebrate Christmas.

-No, but I do like getting presents.

-Why is the paper soggy?

Did you drop it in the snow?

I made the frame out of pasta.

Don't think you're supposed to cook the pasta.

When did you get back?

Last night. Just in time, I reckon. The snow's properly coming down.

-I got attacked by a penguin!

-Are you sure it was a penguin?

-Yeah.

-Maybe it was a dog.

-Or a polar bear.

-Or a figment of your imagination.

-Well, I had snow in my eyes.

-In your brain, more like.

-What's in the suitcase? You staying?

-This is my new business.

What business fits into a suitcase?

A small business!

Behold!

I am renting DVDs. I specialise in films for special occasions.

Romantic films for Valentine's Day. Scary films for Halloween.

Yeah, films about pancakes for Pancake Day.

PHONE RINGS

-Hi, Mum. Where are you?

-I have got all the Christmas greats.

The Sloth Who Loved Christmas, The Other Sloth Who Loved Christmas

and The Other Sloth Who Loved Christmas Meets The Sloth Who Originally Loved Christmas.

Congratulations.

You started a business renting out the worst films ever made.

I'm putting your present in a place I reserve for my favourite things.

-You didn't like my present, did you?

-I did...

I just thought you were going to get me that wall-climbing tank.

I have been dropping hints.

-It costs £400.

-You could have saved up. Or got a Saturday job.

Or sold one of your kidneys to science.

-Yes, Max. Sorry, Max.

-If you liked getting presents...

-I do like getting presents.

-..I would have got that for you.

Hope Santa got my Christmas list. He's more reliable than you.

"A Christmas Carol!"

-A Christmas Snooze Fest!

-There's nothing boring about Dickens.

-Who?

-Dickens was a Victorian author who practically invented Christmas.

-A Christmas Carol is the ultimate Christmas story.

-Bored.

-This mean man called Scrooge is convinced to change his ways.

-Nodding off.

By some ghosts.

Why didn't you say there are ghosts? Any zombies? Robots?

Zombies with robot brains?

-Dani, what's wrong?

-Mum and Dad are snowed in at Uncle Dave's.

-But tomorrow's Christmas.

-I said the snow was bad.

-It never snows at Christmas!

-Yeah. Apart from on TV.

I'd better break the news to my dear brother. He'll love this.

If Dani gets everything on her list and I get everything on mine...

I have four more presents which makes me this year's champion.

You're always the winner, Max.

-You're great.

-What's wrong? You look like someone sat on your snowman.

Why could I possibly be upset(?)

Max, Mum and Dad won't be home tonight. They're stuck in snow.

But it's Christmas Eve! I've got to spend Christmas with you?

We'll still open our presents and watch the telly.

First Ben gives me some rubbish guff as a present and now this!

-This is the worst Christmas ever.

-I spent two days making that.

You could have just thrown up in your shoe!

-Don't be ungrateful!

-Keep your big nose out.

You could try being nice this one time of year. You're unbelievable.

-I'm going to go, Max.

-You only just got here.

Bye, Max.

Merry Christmas.

Fine! I don't need them!

Don't need anyone! Christmas is way more fun on your own.

Probably.

Telly! Wouldn't be Christmas without your favourite shows knocking out some Christmas special.

'And now on BBC1, back to A Christmas Carol.'

Black and white? What is this? The middle ages?

-Mr Scrooge, may I put coal on the fire?

-We threw a lump on last week.

I'm so cold my pen has frozen to my hand.

You don't want to know what happened when I tried to go to the lavatory.

If you are cold, I suggest you throw one of your shoes onto the fire.

-I need a pickaxe to get them off.

-Then buy another pair for the fire.

You said you wouldn't pay me because of my silly cough.

I didn't get as rich as I am by wasting my money on employees

who didn't have the decency to cough properly.

Yes, Mr Scrooge. Merry Christmas.

-Tell Christmas to kiss my wrinkly old bottom.

-I'll do that, sir.

-COUGHS AND SQUEAKS

-That's it!

You're fired!

I may have a new role model.

Max is upset that Mum and Dad won't be here for Christmas.

It must be stressful not knowing if he'll get more presents than you.

-You don't have to put up with this nonsense.

-I like Max's nonsense. Keeps me on my toes.

-Merry Christmas, Dani.

-Merry Christmas, Ben.

-Merry Christmas, everyone.

-ALL: Merry Christmas, Ben.

-What's up with Ben?

-Max, just being Max.

You'd think he'd find room in his heart for Christmas cheer. There's nothing but sawdust and spite.

He needs to be Scrooged, have the error of his ways pointed out by a trio of restless ghosts.

I'll call Ghosts R Us, shall I(?)

Come in.

-I need to hire a ghost.

-Certainly, madam.

I recommend Edgar the headless hippo from our afterlife animals.

Edgar the headless hippo?

Imagine seeing a headless hippo walking through your wall

like a big fat dining table?

I was thinking a basic ghost - sheets, chains, "Woooo!"

I've got it.

The budgie from beyond the grave. He's blood-curdling.

There's nothing in there.

Woah!

Woah! Calm down, you scary ghost budgie, you!

-Admit it. It's an empty cage.

-Please don't tell me dad.

Took me months to convince him this was a proper job.

ON TELLY: 'Merry Christmas to you, young Tiny Tim!'

I've got to go.

There's this Christmas party I'm DJing at.

I've got to drop the needle on some phat dirty beats!

-Isn't this the party at the old people's home?

-No.

Yes. No.

Laters, people. Keep it frosty.

I'm sorry, Dani, but I've got to go, too.

-OK.

-Mum lost her wedding ring in the turkey and wants me to lead the expedition.

-How big is this turkey?

-Have a great one, guys.

Watch out for that penguin.

Looks like it's me and you, Toby.

-Sorry, Dani, but...

-You've got to go, too?

I've got to rent some DVDs. I'm running out of hair gel!

-Have a good Christmas, yeah?

-I'll try. Bye.

Should we respect the tradition of Christmas gift giving, coordinator?

I feel that the true meaning of Christmas has been lost.

-What was once a time of quiet reflection has become a mad scramble for presents.

-You're right.

-I'll flush this out the air lock.

-What is it?

-Your present.

You've got me a present?

-You're right. Presents make Christmas tacky.

-Don't be so hasty.

Give it.

Thank you. Now, what is it?

-Nothing, really.

-Oh, what is it?

-Nothing, really.

Like I said, it's nothing.

CHORTLES

LAUGHS

Must have fallen asleep watching that film.

One minute past midnight! It's officially Christmas morning!

I hope he's been. I'm too excited. I need to pee.

I need to know what I've got! Hello, pressies. Come to Maxie.

-Greetings, Master Maxwell.

-There's a scary person in my stocking!

Forsooth, I am not a person but a ghost.

Hey, nonny noo.

Now I really need to pee! Dani, let me out!

-There's a ghost in my stocking.

-Ye gods, Master Maxwell.

She cannot hear you. It is just you and I, forsooth.

-What do you want?

-I am the ghost of Christmas past.

Verily, I have been sent to teacheth you the error of your ways.

Hey, nonny nonny.

Did Dani put you up to this? Is this her doing?

Tis nothing to do with Dani, hey nonny nonny noo.

Bet you're one of her stupid friends. Take off that wig.

As you can see, Master Maxwell,

I am a spirit from beyond,

but your sister playeth a large role in the Christmases of your past.

By annoying the heck out of me.

We shall see what the secrets of the past doth hold.

Prepare as we travel to the not-so-distant past.

Wooo wooo....

'I have brought us to a Christmas

'when your relationship with Dani was surrounded in youth.'

"To the best most sweetest brother, I love you baby Max."

Let me make you a card, Dani, ple-e-ease!

Be careful, Max!

CRASH

-Who turned out the lights?

-Mum and Dad are going to go nuts!

It was an accident.

-I'll pull it off.

-Thanks, Dani.

You're the best sister, ever!

'Once upon a yesteryear,'

you and your sister were indeed close, forsooth.

It never happened like that. Tell me that isn't how it used to be.

You used to loveth sharing Christmas with your sister-eth.

Nonny nonny nonny noo, nonny noo.

Nonny noo non.

Goodness. That was a big one.

Remember the past always, sire. Remember.

Remember.

You can't show me things like that and vanish. Come back.

OK, Max. Get a grip.

There's no such thing as ghosts.

It's pre-Christmas tension.

Merry Christmas, Maxie boy!

-Who are you?

-Who am I? I'm the ghost of Christmas present, innit.

-You can call me Chrissie Pres cos I likes you. Boom boom.

-Get off.

Oh, check out my rattling chains!

-Want to buy some used ectoplasm?

-No.

Your loss, man. This stuff is good. So, how's your Christmas going?

I love being visited by do-gooder ghosts who can't mind their own business(!)

All right, all right. No need for sarcasm.

Do whatever you're here to do and go away. It's the middle of the night.

-I'm here to show you a vision of your mate Benny boy.

-What about Ben?

Poor loyal Benny ain't too chuffed with the way you been treating him.

Oh. Woooo...!

-Why do you all have to do that?

-Wooo! Wooo!

-Boom! Boom!

-Get off!

Wooo! Woooooo!

'We find Ben earlier this evening, on his way back home.'

I can't believe my best friend could be so mean to me.

Wait. Yes, I can. I can't believe he's so mean to me at Christmas.

What am I saying? Of course I can. He's Max.

Mr Snowman, if only you were alive you could be my new best friend.

At least until you melted or I got bored.

Mr Snowman?

You ARE alive! If only you could talk.

-What makes you think I can't talk?

-Well, you're a snowman. Agh!

-You CAN talk!

-I can speak English, Welsh and Icelandic.

My mother was an icicle from Cardiff and my father was a glacier.

-Fancy a dance?

-I thought you'd never ask.

Mr Snowman? Mr Snowman, I'm sorry.

Oh, Mr Snowma-a-a-a-a-an!

Ben would never be best friends with some stupid snowman instead of me.

Would he?

Where'd he go? What is it with these hallucinations?

Come on, Max. Focus.

When you open your eyes, this will all have been a bad dream.

Attention, human. I am the ghost of Christmas future.

You're no ghost. You're a robot, and not a convincing one.

-I am a ghost robot.

-How can a robot be a ghost?

That's like having your washing machine coming back as a ghost.

-I know several ghost washing machines.

-Come on!

-They scare you with the spin cycle?

-Ridiculous or not,

I'll show you a vision of Christmas yet to come.

Come and see your life in the distant future, space year 2050 AD.

Woooo...!

Here we go again!

Wooo! Woooooo!

Welcome to the future of Christmas.

Oscar, Brit Award, BAFTA!

50-metre breaststroke.

Dani!

Jack?

-Ah, Dani.

-I wish you'd ring first. I could have been in the bath.

We don't have to wash since the cleanliness pill.

You never were big on washing!

Merry Christmas.

It's my new remix album.

SCRATCHES AND COUGHS

I love how everything comes in liquid form.

-Only took me half an hour to drink 50 Harry Potter books.

-Me too.

Gave me wind. FARTS

DING DONG

Come in.

-Merry Christmas, Dani.

-Oh.

Merry Christmas, you two.

How was the honeymoon?

'Hold it.'

-Ben and Sam get married?

-Affirmative.

That is the most disgusting thing ever. I'm going to be sick.

When Ben stopped being your friend, he and Sam discovered they had much in common.

RETCHES

Why did he stop being my friend?

-He had enough of the way you treat him.

-When?

-Unless you change your ways, it has already happened.

-Carry on.

We had a great time on the moon, Dani.

The lunar hotel is truly fabulous.

Did you see Toby?

He sends his love.

His business is doing great.

Who'd have thought he'd open the first donkey sanctuary on the moon?

ALL LAUGH

Oh, we got you this.

Oh, you shouldn't have. What is it?

I love it!

I remember when I gave Max a photo frame like that.

He taught me it's better if you don't cook the pasta.

You still miss him, don't you?

He was my best friend, a long time ago.

Max made his choice, Ben.

If only he'd been nicer,

he wouldn't be so sad and lonely, living like a hermit

on some remote Scottish island.

We should raise a toast to him.

Good idea. Computer!

Drinks.

OK, here we go.

To absent friends.

'I want to see where I am.'

-I'm not sure you do.

-Show me, toaster face.

Wooo.

Wooooo. Woooo.

'This is you in 2050 AD, Max. It is not a pretty picture.'

Beans!

I love beans!

You love beans, too, don't you, Ben?

What's that? You've got me a Christmas present?

Beans! Oh, it's my favourite!

Oh, Ben! It's the best present ever!

I'm sorry! I'm... No!

No.

It wasn't real.

It was a dream. It really was a dream.

Dani, Dani! Wake up! It's Christmas morning!

Take my presents and give them all to needy people.

-Max, what's going on?

-Then take my money and buy the biggest turkey!

-Ow!

-We're going to give our friends a massive feast.

-Are you feeling OK?

-I'm a brand new Max!

No more being mean or competitive or selfish.

I'm going to be nice!

Aaagghhh!

Oh, thank goodness! It was only a nightmare.

For a minute there, I thought I'd become pleasant.

-You been there all night?

-Must have dropped off. What are you doing?

I'm counting our presents. We've got exactly the same amount.

-You must be gutted.

-Dani, I'm not a complete monster.

And it is Christmas.

Actually, Max, you do win.

-I do?

-If you include Ben's present, you'll have one more than me.

I win! Yes! Thank you, Ben!

Loser!

It's not like I got him anything else as a present.

DING DONG

# We wish you a merry Christmas

# And a happy new year. #

-EVERYONE: Merry Christmas!

-What are you doing here?

-Couldn't let you spend Christmas on your own.

-We have food.

-And a 50% off voucher for Toby's DVD rentals.

-Thanks.

The old people's home gave me this pre-chewed turkey paste.

Sounds delicious(!)

-I thought I'd never see you again.

-I won't let you be on your own.

-I really did like that photo frame.

-I know it was a bit rubbish.

If you hadn't given it to me, I wouldn't have had more presents than Dani.

To say thank you, I'm going to give you one present from my pile.

-Then you'll have the same as Dani.

-Competition's over. I won.

-You're sure?

-Open it before I change my mind.

Wow!

The remote-controlled wall-climbing tank.

Thanks, Max.

-FEEBLY:

-You're welcome.

-CAR HORN BEEPS

-Mum and Dad!

They're home!

-Dani?

-Yeah.

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas, Max.

-Let's forget you ever heard me say that.

-You got it.

What?

I never noticed what lovely eyes you've got.

Thanks.

In conclusion, Christmas is a time of greed and selfishness.

And also a time of generosity and warmth towards family and friends.

Humans! As confusing as ever!

-Would you like to pull a Christmas cracker with me, coordinator?

-Yes!

On the count of three! One...

-two...

-three!

I don't see what's fun about that.

I know. Why don't you try my one?

I pepped it up with something special.

-Is that safe?

-Probably. Stop being a Scrooge and help me pull it.

Ready? One...

-two...

-three!

Oops.

BOTH: Merry Christmas, Earthlings.

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains Let's ride this wave

# Right out to sea

# I will be breaking free. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd