Alien Invasion Dani's House

Browsing your autograph collection, Co-ordinator Zark?

Indeed. I have everyone from Andron Android to Zazzix Zarzazark.

There's just one name I'm missing.

We're not about to beam down and ask Dani for an autograph.

Worried we'd cause panic, Co-ordinator Zang?

I'm worried I'd embarrass myself, like that time I met Lumbo Zantax,

and all I managed to ask him was what his favourite shape was.

I have so many things I want to ask Dani.

Can't we teleport down just for a bit?

It would contravene galactic law.

Besides, why would someone as glamorous as Dani

be interested in a pair of nobodies like us?

I suppose you're right.

-She is so very glamorous.

-Argh!

Very glamorous indeed.

Hi, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

Best friend Jack.

Yeah but, oh, where was I?

Your name's Dani and I'm your best friend too, Sam.

As I was saying this is my fantastic new...

-Max!

-I'm her brother and actually it's Ben.

What? Oh, it's our show.

Can you just zip it? As I was saying, my name's Dani

and this is my fantastic...

I give up.

Hubble, bubble, toil and...

Oh, hey, guys! I'm just rehearsing my new role in Macbeth, The Musical.

I'm only understudying one of the witches, but I'm so excited!

-Max!

-You look different, Dani.

-Have you had your hair done?

-What do you think you're doing?

I was aiming for your backside. What are the chances of missing that?

Keep out of Daniville, frogspawn!

I'm hoping the theatre people don't need me tonight

because I'm stuck here looking after my evil little brother.

PHONE RINGS

Oh, please don't be bad news. Hello?

You won't believe this.

What?

You've got something on your face.

Gone?

The actress I'm understudying has broken her leg.

They need me to take over.

-That's great news!

-Not for the girl who broke her leg.

It's a nightmare.

-This is the big break you've been waiting for.

-Literally.

I can't do it. Mum and Dad said I have to look after Max again.

We can look after him.

I wouldn't inflict Max on my worst enemy, let alone you two.

What's the worst that could happen?

-Are you sure you don't mind, Sam?

-Of course we...

..don't mind.

Thanks, guys.

My big chance to tread the boards!

APPLAUSE

Thank you. This means so much!

You're too kind. Thank you!

I love the theatre, dahling.

S'cuse me. That's all well and good, but this is an operating theatre.

BA-DUM TISH

-Get it?

-I get it. It's just an awful, awful joke.

Is that really the best you could come up with?

-Yeah.

-You should be ashamed of yourself.

I have the worst daydreams.

Mars. The Milky Way.

All those galaxies. But enough about your eating habits.

Tell me, what is one thing you won't find in space?

-Geese?

-Intelligent life, Ben.

There is no intelligent life in space.

What did he say?

Thinking about it, there isn't much down here either.

-Pardon, Max?

-I said, there is no evidence that aliens exist.

But that doesn't stop certain foolish individuals

from believing they're real.

And we're going to make the most of that stupidity by becoming rich, Ben.

Very rich indeed.

Maxth, help.

Ith thtuck on my thongue.

I'm not equipped to look after that monster. I'm a DJ, not Mary Poppins.

If we treat Max with respect he'll see things from our point of view.

OK, I'll buy you a pizza if you get through today without yelling.

Yelling should only be used as a last resort.

We'll see, shall we?

I'm not touching that.

Deal.

They're sending a car to get me.

Are you sure you can keep Max under control?

The house will be as you left it. Max just needs to be respected.

-Do you know Oliver Grove?

-I sit next to him in maths.

He gets annoyed when I hum TV theme tunes.

HE HUMS

Stop that.

Oliver also happens to be the president of the school UFO society.

I didn't even know there was a school UFO society.

Until last week you didn't even know there was a toilet.

All those years coming to school with a plastic bottle.

Oliver's so convinced aliens exist,

he's offering £10,000 of his rich father's money

as a prize to anyone who can find evidence of alien life.

But if aliens don't exist, nobody will win the money.

Unless somebody smart can fake an encounter.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Ben?

I don't know. Were you thinking of an octopus in a pink tutu?

I'm thinking we're the ones who are going to win that money.

A ha-ha-ha!

I don't know why we're laughing!

Break a leg, Dani.

That's what got us into this mess in the first place.

It means good luck, Jack.

In that case break your leg, neck, every bone in your body.

-Bye, guys. And thanks again.

-We'll make sure Max behaves,

-even if it kills us.

-Which it probably will.

The house will be exactly as you left it. I promise.

-See you later.

-Bye.

-So you're my babysitters.

-Think of us as your new best friends.

If you were, I wouldn't have asked Ben to glue your feet to the floor.

Hello there.

-Why would you do that, Max?

-So you can't interrupt the meeting.

What meeting?

A meeting of our school UFO Society.

I said they could use Dani's den.

-You should've got permission...

-Ssh!

I don't bother you, and you turn a blind eye to whatever I get up to.

-I promised Dani...

-What Dani doesn't know can't hurt her.

-We're always up to something.

-Way to go, babysitter.

Max? Come back here.

Ow...

-What are you doing, Co-ordinator?

-I'm recalibrating the teleport.

The last time we used it you materialised inside a whale.

And I'm never eating seafood again.

I was thinking, with Max and Ben so keen to meet an alien,

I thought it might be our chance to...

We're not going to Dani's house.

But we would be the first of our kind to meet real humans!

And get Dani's autograph at last!

No, no, no, no, no. I won't let it happen!

Think of the wisdom we could share.

We could give them the cure for the common cold,

and they could give us the recipe for Scotch eggs.

-Not going to happen.

-But we'll get to meet our TV heroes!

If our superiors found out we went to earth deliberately...

-We'll have to do it by accident then. Oops!

-Co-ordinator!

Face paint. Should come in handy.

Erm, Max. Hi. Hello?

Sorry to interrupt, but I just wondered what you were doing.

We're looking for Dani's video camera.

Why do you need Dani's video camera?

To fake a close encounter with an extra-terrestrial.

And why are you doing that?

To win a lot of money off some silly idiots.

So unless you can find a real alien for us to film,

you can keep your big hooter out.

OK. But you will replace the camera, and put the room back

-the way you found it, won't you?

-Do I look like a mug?

And if you could save me a job,

and slam the door in your face on the way out...

Is this it, Max?

Good work, Ben!

I have to do everything myself.

Aaaaaargh!

HE SCREAMS

What have you done?

Teleport us back up to the ship

before we have a close encounter. Now!

Sorry, Co-ordinator. The teleporter takes several hours to recharge.

You mean we're marooned?! On earth?

Look! It's the actual sofa Dani sits on! Mm! Still warm.

We can't be discovered. The humans aren't ready for first contact.

Plus, we might catch some horrible earth disease,

like World Cup fever, or lazyitis.

This place is a death-trap.

CAT FLAP RATTLES

What was that?

-It's the cat from hell!

-Run away!

GLASS SHATTERING

Must be Max breaking more of Dani's stuff.

He's probably just burning energy. He'll soon stop.

GLASS SMASHES

Or he'll carry on until he's trashed the whole house.

-Unless you want to step in.

-I'm not yelling at him.

Maybe I could give him what he wants.

And what does he want?

He wants to meet an alien.

Right. Where do we find one of those?

That way is far too dangerous!

It's OK, Co-ordinator. I think it's gone.

-How can you be sure?

-Because it's outside chewing on a postman's face.

-Have you seen this?

-Humans! Such strange customs.

Found one! A singing telegram company that does an Aliengram.

-Why are you helping him?

-Because he thinks I've found him an alien.

If he gets what he wants he may stop and put Dani's camcorder back.

That plan doesn't sound doomed to failure.

Tantu-Bantu, humans. I am Bendu III from the planet Bennimax.

I want to suck out your brains, and lay an egg in your head...

Wak wak wak wak waaaaaagh!

Cut! What is that meant to be?

I'm being an alien.

-Aliens should display a superior intellect.

-How do I do that?

Fair point. Action.

Waca-waca, wibble... woah!

I wonder if we'll get caught up in some crazy adventure.

We're not here to get caught up in anything.

Our mission is to watch humanity from afar.

But imagine how much better we'll be able to do our mission

if we got up close and personal with our favourite TV stars!

Argh! We can't let that happen.

Only because you're too chicken to meet them.

The Aliengrams. That was quick.

-How did you get in?

-We're just glad you're here.

-You are?

-Bet you get sweaty in those funny costumes.

Funny costumes?

I spent two long hard weeks in the Cosmic Academy to earn my right

to wear this shiny galactic regalia.

Well, it's very impressive.

You almost look like real aliens.

Apart from the lampshade.

-Almost?

-You don't believe we're real aliens?

The distances between solar systems are so vast

that interstellar travel is unlikely to be a reality, regardless of...

They're not here to listen to a lecture from the Internet on Legs.

They're here to fool your precious little Max.

You want us to fool Max?

She means, erm, who's Max?

I just knew we'd get up to something.

Tantu bantu!

Our cosmic destroyers are in orbit around your pitiful planet.

Soon, we shall invade, and destroy all!

Cut! No, no, no, forget it.

You're the worst fake alien ever, Ben.

Might as well kiss that £10,000 prize goodbye.

-I did my best, Max.

-All I want is to be stinking filthy rich.

Is that too much to ask?

Hello and welcome to another edition of Stinking Filthy Rich!

Thank you. Our contestant tonight is Miss Bronwyn Cheesewinder.

Hello, Bronwyn.

Let's bring on the stinkers!

You know the rules. Sniff our stinkers, and work out

which one is the millionaire.

Get sniffing.

What are you getting, Bronwyn?

Peacocks, frolicking on a croquet lawn.

The scent of private swimming pools, the tang of a platinum credit card.

Rich.

OK. And our next potential millionaire?

What is that? Smells like he lives in his own filth. Poor.

OK. Can the millionaire please reveal himself?

-But he stunk!

-Stunk of pig manure, Bronwyn. That's right, pig manure.

This is Mr Guido Giles, millionaire pig farmer.

I'm afraid that's all we have time for tonight.

See you next time. Goodbye.

Bye-bye, wave.

So you want us to pretend to be aliens

so your friend's brother wins a prize?

Even though we're not aliens?

We can't go through with this.

They think we're pretending to be aliens.

The more humans we encounter, the more chance it is we get found out.

Especially if we're being filmed.

So? The teleporter will recharge in a while, and we'll be gone.

-Sorry about that. We'll be happy to help.

-Great.

You're really going to save my neck.

What a peculiar expression.

-You've never heard that before?

-Not where we come from.

And where's that?

-Barcelona.

-Wherever that is.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oliver. Didn't get run over on the way here, I see.

Daddy's driver brought me in the limo.

I suppose your parents drive you around in their horse and cart.

Is everything still on for our UFO society meeting?

Oh, yes. I have a feeling somebody might be winning

your prize for proving aliens exist.

-Oh?

-Let's just say, I may have come into possession of a video

-you might be interested in.

-Is it aliens? Is it a UFO?

You are going to be blown away.

Oh, this is massive, Max. I must tell the others.

Bye, Oliver.

Why didn't I just tell him the truth?

I've failed, Ben. I thought that reward money was ours for sure.

If only your alien act had been more convincing.

Jack's provided us with lights and a smoke machine from his DJ rig.

-I can still get the bubble machine.

-Ssh!

-Ready?

-Ready.

At least you've managed to turn me into The Incredible Hulk.

I've never felt so powerful. Woargh!

Max, what's going on?

Greetings, Earthlings.

Take us to your leader. I've always wanted to say that.

We have come from across the stars to deliver a message.

Max...it's aliens!

Real, live, aliens!

They've come to probe us!

They're not aliens, Ben.

I mean, look at those rubbish costumes.

You're a more convincing alien than these two losers.

-Tantu-bantu.

-Come on, Ben. Let's go.

I was only trying to help you win that prize.

You were trying to make a fool out of me

by getting me to believe aliens are real.

Just for that, I'm going to break something of Dani's.

Max, wait!

Let's hope he breaks something cheap.

CRASH

That sounded expensive.

After all that excitement,

I'm sweating like an Arcturian Bogweasel.

Whatever that is.

-I'll help you get your costumes off.

-Oh, no, it's OK.

Really, you don't have to do that. That is quite painful!

-It's on a bit tight, isn't it?

-It would be. Ow!

These aren't costumes.

You're aliens?

-Real aliens?

-In Dani's house?

Um, yes.

This. Is. Amazing. There's so much you could teach us.

Are there other species out there? Which star system are you from?

What sort of propulsion system do you use? Why are you even here?

Well, we're sort of fans of the show.

I'm famous in outer space!

So you're just fans?

I'm Co-ordinator Zang, this is Co-ordinator Zark.

Oh, just wait until Dani hears about this!

Dani can't know anything about this.

About Max borrowing her camcorder, about the UFO meeting,

or the fact that there are two alien fans in her house.

I promised the house would be as she left it.

DOORBELL RINGS

That'll be Max's UFO expert friend.

What if the experts can tell we're real aliens?

-They might sell us for experimentation!

-Or dissect us!

The last thing Dani needs is alien entrails all over the carpet. Hide!

Wait, wait!

I've got a better idea.

That's the best disguise you can come up with?

We've got a meeting in here.

Max, who are these green people?

Just a pair of jokers in rubbish costumes.

They're my Uncle Alan and Auntie Ellen.

They heard about your meeting and asked if they could come.

I want to watch your alien film without any disruptions.

And I spotted this UFO whilst collecting my ear medicine.

It looks more like a plane.

See the tube-shaped body, the two lateral protrusions?

Also known as "wings".

Clearly it is a UFO from somewhere beyond our understanding.

Or Heathrow Airport.

The image does resemble the outline of a Raxian Battlecruiser,

I suppose. Don't you think so, Co-Ord, er, "Alan"?

Not that I know what

a Raxian Battlecruiser looks like, of course, because I'm not an alien.

-James. Another UFO.

-Which just happens to look like a bird.

It has taken on the appearance of a bird as a form of camouflage.

Max, I said I didn't want any disruptions.

Perhaps we should take a break for nibbles then, Oliver.

Fine. And when we resume, we can watch your video.

Wait until you see what James has made,

he's cut the sandwiches into flying saucers.

What is this food?

Jam.

What's wrong?

Where we come from, jam is a foul-smelling

paste excreted from the rancid bile glands of our mighty Empress.

Where do you come from?

-Barcelona.

-Tastes fine to me.

Where's the ketchup?

You're being too alien.

Act like everyone else.

Be normal.

Be normal. I see.

I also love ketchup, for I, too, am a normal human.

Look how normal I'm looking. I'm normal, everyone. Normal I say!

Ah. That's just my, er...

-what do you call it?

-Mobile phone?

-Yes.

That's my mobolophone.

I'll see what it wants.

What do you want from me, what do you want, mobolophone?

And I'll go check up on my video.

What are you going to say to Dani if she comes in now

to find her camcorder missing, her bedroom ransacked,

and a bunch of geeks in her den? Not to mention two real aliens.

Surprise?

Almost recharged. I shall let Co-ordinator Zang

know we can return to our spacecraft.

What spacecraft would that be then?

Spacecraft is our pet name for our...

-pet flamingo.

-Give me that.

-This isn't a phone.

-Please be careful.

-It's a very sensitive piece of equipment.

-So you ARE an alien!

No. Maybe.

Yes, I am. Pretty cool, eh?

If Oliver's dad is going to cough up ten grand for video of an alien,

imagine what he'd do for a live specimen!

I am not for sale.

Wait, let go of me!

-Oh, no!

-What is the one thing better than video footage of an alien?

-Getting a pony?

-The one thing better than film of an alien is of course

an actual alien. And what's better than one actual alien?

Are you trying to tell us that you've captured an alien, Max?

Two aliens in fact!

Shall I start the bidding at 50,000?

Max, my aunt and uncle aren't aliens.

-Of course they are. Look at them. They're green and stuff.

-So is Ben.

So are lettuces.

You saw him eat that ketchup. No human can do that without being sick.

Jack, show him.

Delicious.

Well, Max?

I caught this one using some sort of alien device. She was probably

-preparing to wipe our minds.

-There are worse things they could wipe.

Ben, you're not helping.

Come along, boys. We're leaving.

Wait! Oliver, I'm telling the truth.

Oliver, please, please, you have to believe me.

I'll be sure to tell the rest of the UFO community about this.

Just in case you try to con anyone else out of their money.

But I was telling the truth!

Better luck next time, Maxy boy.

I'm sure the government would be very happy to get their hands

on a couple of live aliens.

I'm sure you two will look great in a specimen jar.

I have had enough for one day.

-I beg your pardon?

-Aliens.

Rudeness. Wrecking Dani's bedroom.

There's only so much I can take!

Ooh! What are you going do, Sam? Ask me nicely to stop?

No. I'm going to tell you to stop. And if you don't, you are so for it.

Leave our alien friends alone,

go and clean up the mess in Dani's bedroom,

put her camcorder back and then go to your room!

All you ever had to say was "please".

Come on, Ben. Let's go and do as Miss Shoutypants says.

Would now be a good time to mention you're not going to get your pizza?

Urgh!

When the power in the teleport unit reaches 100%,

we shall return to our spacecraft.

There were so many things I never got to ask.

Like, is time really relative?

Do you use social engineering to create a truly peaceful society?

Do you have as little clue what she's on about as I do?

Such a shame we couldn't meet Dani.

Just as well. If she knew half of what's been going on...

Hi guys, I'm back. >

How was Max?

Who... What is, who are they?

Co-ordinator, now's your chance to say

all those things you wanted to say.

-Go on.

-No, you go on.

-I can't.

Me neither. I'm too nervous.

-Dani?

-Yes?

What's your favourite shape?

So... How did the show go?

Aren't you going to explain to me why there were two aliens

in my living room?

Would you believe this is all a dream?

There were two real live aliens in my house!

They disappeared right in front of my eyes!

DOORBELL RINGS

Greetings, earthlings!

Another one! I can't believe it.

A real, live alien in my house.

This is amazing. Did you come here in a flying saucer?

No, the 47 bus.

-I'm the Aliengram you ordered.

-What?

And we still didn't get Dani's autograph.

Perhaps we should return

and properly introduce ourselves to Dani.

There is no way I am going back down there while Max is still at large.

You're right. Earth is far too dangerous.

Shall we use the amnesia ray to make the humans forget we ever existed?

BOTH: Nah!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd