Alien Invasion Dani's House


Alien Invasion

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Transcript


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Browsing your autograph collection, Co-ordinator Zark?

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Indeed. I have everyone from Andron Android to Zazzix Zarzazark.

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There's just one name I'm missing.

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We're not about to beam down and ask Dani for an autograph.

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Worried we'd cause panic, Co-ordinator Zang?

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I'm worried I'd embarrass myself, like that time I met Lumbo Zantax,

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and all I managed to ask him was what his favourite shape was.

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I have so many things I want to ask Dani.

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Can't we teleport down just for a bit?

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It would contravene galactic law.

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Besides, why would someone as glamorous as Dani

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be interested in a pair of nobodies like us?

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I suppose you're right.

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-She is so very glamorous.

-Argh!

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Very glamorous indeed.

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Hi, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

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Best friend Jack.

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Yeah but, oh, where was I?

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Your name's Dani and I'm your best friend too, Sam.

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As I was saying this is my fantastic new...

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-Max!

-I'm her brother and actually it's Ben.

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What? Oh, it's our show.

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Can you just zip it? As I was saying, my name's Dani

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and this is my fantastic...

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I give up.

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Hubble, bubble, toil and...

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Oh, hey, guys! I'm just rehearsing my new role in Macbeth, The Musical.

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I'm only understudying one of the witches, but I'm so excited!

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-Max!

-You look different, Dani.

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-Have you had your hair done?

-What do you think you're doing?

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I was aiming for your backside. What are the chances of missing that?

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Keep out of Daniville, frogspawn!

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I'm hoping the theatre people don't need me tonight

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because I'm stuck here looking after my evil little brother.

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PHONE RINGS

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Oh, please don't be bad news. Hello?

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You won't believe this.

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What?

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You've got something on your face.

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Gone?

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The actress I'm understudying has broken her leg.

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They need me to take over.

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-That's great news!

-Not for the girl who broke her leg.

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It's a nightmare.

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-This is the big break you've been waiting for.

-Literally.

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I can't do it. Mum and Dad said I have to look after Max again.

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We can look after him.

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I wouldn't inflict Max on my worst enemy, let alone you two.

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What's the worst that could happen?

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-Are you sure you don't mind, Sam?

-Of course we...

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..don't mind.

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Thanks, guys.

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My big chance to tread the boards!

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APPLAUSE

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Thank you. This means so much!

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You're too kind. Thank you!

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I love the theatre, dahling.

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S'cuse me. That's all well and good, but this is an operating theatre.

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BA-DUM TISH

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-Get it?

-I get it. It's just an awful, awful joke.

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Is that really the best you could come up with?

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-Yeah.

-You should be ashamed of yourself.

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I have the worst daydreams.

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Mars. The Milky Way.

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All those galaxies. But enough about your eating habits.

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Tell me, what is one thing you won't find in space?

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-Geese?

-Intelligent life, Ben.

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There is no intelligent life in space.

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What did he say?

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Thinking about it, there isn't much down here either.

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-Pardon, Max?

-I said, there is no evidence that aliens exist.

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But that doesn't stop certain foolish individuals

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from believing they're real.

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And we're going to make the most of that stupidity by becoming rich, Ben.

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Very rich indeed.

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Maxth, help.

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Ith thtuck on my thongue.

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I'm not equipped to look after that monster. I'm a DJ, not Mary Poppins.

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If we treat Max with respect he'll see things from our point of view.

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OK, I'll buy you a pizza if you get through today without yelling.

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Yelling should only be used as a last resort.

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We'll see, shall we?

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I'm not touching that.

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Deal.

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They're sending a car to get me.

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Are you sure you can keep Max under control?

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The house will be as you left it. Max just needs to be respected.

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-Do you know Oliver Grove?

-I sit next to him in maths.

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He gets annoyed when I hum TV theme tunes.

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HE HUMS

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Stop that.

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Oliver also happens to be the president of the school UFO society.

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I didn't even know there was a school UFO society.

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Until last week you didn't even know there was a toilet.

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All those years coming to school with a plastic bottle.

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Oliver's so convinced aliens exist,

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he's offering £10,000 of his rich father's money

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as a prize to anyone who can find evidence of alien life.

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But if aliens don't exist, nobody will win the money.

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Unless somebody smart can fake an encounter.

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Are you thinking what I'm thinking, Ben?

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I don't know. Were you thinking of an octopus in a pink tutu?

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I'm thinking we're the ones who are going to win that money.

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A ha-ha-ha!

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I don't know why we're laughing!

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Break a leg, Dani.

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That's what got us into this mess in the first place.

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It means good luck, Jack.

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In that case break your leg, neck, every bone in your body.

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-Bye, guys. And thanks again.

-We'll make sure Max behaves,

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-even if it kills us.

-Which it probably will.

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The house will be exactly as you left it. I promise.

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-See you later.

-Bye.

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-So you're my babysitters.

-Think of us as your new best friends.

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If you were, I wouldn't have asked Ben to glue your feet to the floor.

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Hello there.

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-Why would you do that, Max?

-So you can't interrupt the meeting.

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What meeting?

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A meeting of our school UFO Society.

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I said they could use Dani's den.

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-You should've got permission...

-Ssh!

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I don't bother you, and you turn a blind eye to whatever I get up to.

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-I promised Dani...

-What Dani doesn't know can't hurt her.

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-We're always up to something.

-Way to go, babysitter.

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Max? Come back here.

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Ow...

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-What are you doing, Co-ordinator?

-I'm recalibrating the teleport.

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The last time we used it you materialised inside a whale.

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And I'm never eating seafood again.

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I was thinking, with Max and Ben so keen to meet an alien,

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I thought it might be our chance to...

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We're not going to Dani's house.

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But we would be the first of our kind to meet real humans!

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And get Dani's autograph at last!

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No, no, no, no, no. I won't let it happen!

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Think of the wisdom we could share.

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We could give them the cure for the common cold,

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and they could give us the recipe for Scotch eggs.

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-Not going to happen.

-But we'll get to meet our TV heroes!

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If our superiors found out we went to earth deliberately...

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-We'll have to do it by accident then. Oops!

-Co-ordinator!

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Face paint. Should come in handy.

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Erm, Max. Hi. Hello?

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Sorry to interrupt, but I just wondered what you were doing.

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We're looking for Dani's video camera.

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Why do you need Dani's video camera?

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To fake a close encounter with an extra-terrestrial.

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And why are you doing that?

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To win a lot of money off some silly idiots.

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So unless you can find a real alien for us to film,

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you can keep your big hooter out.

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OK. But you will replace the camera, and put the room back

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-the way you found it, won't you?

-Do I look like a mug?

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And if you could save me a job,

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and slam the door in your face on the way out...

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Is this it, Max?

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Good work, Ben!

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I have to do everything myself.

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Aaaaaargh!

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HE SCREAMS

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What have you done?

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Teleport us back up to the ship

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before we have a close encounter. Now!

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Sorry, Co-ordinator. The teleporter takes several hours to recharge.

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You mean we're marooned?! On earth?

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Look! It's the actual sofa Dani sits on! Mm! Still warm.

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We can't be discovered. The humans aren't ready for first contact.

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Plus, we might catch some horrible earth disease,

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like World Cup fever, or lazyitis.

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This place is a death-trap.

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CAT FLAP RATTLES

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What was that?

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-It's the cat from hell!

-Run away!

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GLASS SHATTERING

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Must be Max breaking more of Dani's stuff.

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He's probably just burning energy. He'll soon stop.

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GLASS SMASHES

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Or he'll carry on until he's trashed the whole house.

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-Unless you want to step in.

-I'm not yelling at him.

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Maybe I could give him what he wants.

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And what does he want?

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He wants to meet an alien.

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Right. Where do we find one of those?

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That way is far too dangerous!

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It's OK, Co-ordinator. I think it's gone.

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-How can you be sure?

-Because it's outside chewing on a postman's face.

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-Have you seen this?

-Humans! Such strange customs.

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Found one! A singing telegram company that does an Aliengram.

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-Why are you helping him?

-Because he thinks I've found him an alien.

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If he gets what he wants he may stop and put Dani's camcorder back.

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That plan doesn't sound doomed to failure.

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Tantu-Bantu, humans. I am Bendu III from the planet Bennimax.

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I want to suck out your brains, and lay an egg in your head...

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Wak wak wak wak waaaaaagh!

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Cut! What is that meant to be?

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I'm being an alien.

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-Aliens should display a superior intellect.

-How do I do that?

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Fair point. Action.

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Waca-waca, wibble... woah!

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I wonder if we'll get caught up in some crazy adventure.

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We're not here to get caught up in anything.

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Our mission is to watch humanity from afar.

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But imagine how much better we'll be able to do our mission

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if we got up close and personal with our favourite TV stars!

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Argh! We can't let that happen.

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Only because you're too chicken to meet them.

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The Aliengrams. That was quick.

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-How did you get in?

-We're just glad you're here.

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-You are?

-Bet you get sweaty in those funny costumes.

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Funny costumes?

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I spent two long hard weeks in the Cosmic Academy to earn my right

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to wear this shiny galactic regalia.

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Well, it's very impressive.

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You almost look like real aliens.

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Apart from the lampshade.

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-Almost?

-You don't believe we're real aliens?

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The distances between solar systems are so vast

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that interstellar travel is unlikely to be a reality, regardless of...

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They're not here to listen to a lecture from the Internet on Legs.

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They're here to fool your precious little Max.

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You want us to fool Max?

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She means, erm, who's Max?

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I just knew we'd get up to something.

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Tantu bantu!

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Our cosmic destroyers are in orbit around your pitiful planet.

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Soon, we shall invade, and destroy all!

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Cut! No, no, no, forget it.

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You're the worst fake alien ever, Ben.

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Might as well kiss that £10,000 prize goodbye.

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-I did my best, Max.

-All I want is to be stinking filthy rich.

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Is that too much to ask?

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Hello and welcome to another edition of Stinking Filthy Rich!

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Thank you. Our contestant tonight is Miss Bronwyn Cheesewinder.

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Hello, Bronwyn.

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Let's bring on the stinkers!

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You know the rules. Sniff our stinkers, and work out

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which one is the millionaire.

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Get sniffing.

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What are you getting, Bronwyn?

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Peacocks, frolicking on a croquet lawn.

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The scent of private swimming pools, the tang of a platinum credit card.

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Rich.

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OK. And our next potential millionaire?

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What is that? Smells like he lives in his own filth. Poor.

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OK. Can the millionaire please reveal himself?

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-But he stunk!

-Stunk of pig manure, Bronwyn. That's right, pig manure.

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This is Mr Guido Giles, millionaire pig farmer.

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I'm afraid that's all we have time for tonight.

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See you next time. Goodbye.

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Bye-bye, wave.

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So you want us to pretend to be aliens

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so your friend's brother wins a prize?

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Even though we're not aliens?

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We can't go through with this.

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They think we're pretending to be aliens.

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The more humans we encounter, the more chance it is we get found out.

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Especially if we're being filmed.

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So? The teleporter will recharge in a while, and we'll be gone.

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-Sorry about that. We'll be happy to help.

-Great.

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You're really going to save my neck.

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What a peculiar expression.

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-You've never heard that before?

-Not where we come from.

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And where's that?

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-Barcelona.

-Wherever that is.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Oliver. Didn't get run over on the way here, I see.

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Daddy's driver brought me in the limo.

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I suppose your parents drive you around in their horse and cart.

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Is everything still on for our UFO society meeting?

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Oh, yes. I have a feeling somebody might be winning

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your prize for proving aliens exist.

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-Oh?

-Let's just say, I may have come into possession of a video

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-you might be interested in.

-Is it aliens? Is it a UFO?

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You are going to be blown away.

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Oh, this is massive, Max. I must tell the others.

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Bye, Oliver.

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Why didn't I just tell him the truth?

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I've failed, Ben. I thought that reward money was ours for sure.

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If only your alien act had been more convincing.

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Jack's provided us with lights and a smoke machine from his DJ rig.

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-I can still get the bubble machine.

-Ssh!

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-Ready?

-Ready.

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At least you've managed to turn me into The Incredible Hulk.

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I've never felt so powerful. Woargh!

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Max, what's going on?

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Greetings, Earthlings.

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Take us to your leader. I've always wanted to say that.

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We have come from across the stars to deliver a message.

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Max...it's aliens!

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Real, live, aliens!

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They've come to probe us!

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They're not aliens, Ben.

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I mean, look at those rubbish costumes.

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You're a more convincing alien than these two losers.

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-Tantu-bantu.

-Come on, Ben. Let's go.

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I was only trying to help you win that prize.

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You were trying to make a fool out of me

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by getting me to believe aliens are real.

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Just for that, I'm going to break something of Dani's.

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Max, wait!

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Let's hope he breaks something cheap.

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CRASH

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That sounded expensive.

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After all that excitement,

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I'm sweating like an Arcturian Bogweasel.

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Whatever that is.

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-I'll help you get your costumes off.

-Oh, no, it's OK.

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Really, you don't have to do that. That is quite painful!

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-It's on a bit tight, isn't it?

-It would be. Ow!

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These aren't costumes.

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You're aliens?

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-Real aliens?

-In Dani's house?

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Um, yes.

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This. Is. Amazing. There's so much you could teach us.

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Are there other species out there? Which star system are you from?

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What sort of propulsion system do you use? Why are you even here?

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Well, we're sort of fans of the show.

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I'm famous in outer space!

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So you're just fans?

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I'm Co-ordinator Zang, this is Co-ordinator Zark.

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Oh, just wait until Dani hears about this!

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Dani can't know anything about this.

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About Max borrowing her camcorder, about the UFO meeting,

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or the fact that there are two alien fans in her house.

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I promised the house would be as she left it.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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That'll be Max's UFO expert friend.

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What if the experts can tell we're real aliens?

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-They might sell us for experimentation!

-Or dissect us!

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The last thing Dani needs is alien entrails all over the carpet. Hide!

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Wait, wait!

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I've got a better idea.

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That's the best disguise you can come up with?

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We've got a meeting in here.

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Max, who are these green people?

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Just a pair of jokers in rubbish costumes.

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They're my Uncle Alan and Auntie Ellen.

0:19:330:19:35

They heard about your meeting and asked if they could come.

0:19:350:19:39

I want to watch your alien film without any disruptions.

0:19:390:19:44

And I spotted this UFO whilst collecting my ear medicine.

0:19:440:19:48

It looks more like a plane.

0:19:480:19:50

See the tube-shaped body, the two lateral protrusions?

0:19:500:19:54

Also known as "wings".

0:19:540:19:55

Clearly it is a UFO from somewhere beyond our understanding.

0:19:550:19:59

Or Heathrow Airport.

0:19:590:20:01

The image does resemble the outline of a Raxian Battlecruiser,

0:20:010:20:04

I suppose. Don't you think so, Co-Ord, er, "Alan"?

0:20:040:20:09

Not that I know what

0:20:090:20:10

a Raxian Battlecruiser looks like, of course, because I'm not an alien.

0:20:100:20:16

-James. Another UFO.

-Which just happens to look like a bird.

0:20:240:20:29

It has taken on the appearance of a bird as a form of camouflage.

0:20:290:20:32

Max, I said I didn't want any disruptions.

0:20:320:20:35

Perhaps we should take a break for nibbles then, Oliver.

0:20:350:20:38

Fine. And when we resume, we can watch your video.

0:20:380:20:41

Wait until you see what James has made,

0:20:410:20:43

he's cut the sandwiches into flying saucers.

0:20:430:20:46

What is this food?

0:20:540:20:56

Jam.

0:20:560:20:58

What's wrong?

0:21:030:21:05

Where we come from, jam is a foul-smelling

0:21:050:21:08

paste excreted from the rancid bile glands of our mighty Empress.

0:21:080:21:12

Where do you come from?

0:21:120:21:14

-Barcelona.

-Tastes fine to me.

0:21:140:21:18

Where's the ketchup?

0:21:180:21:19

You're being too alien.

0:21:210:21:23

Act like everyone else.

0:21:230:21:25

Be normal.

0:21:250:21:27

Be normal. I see.

0:21:320:21:36

I also love ketchup, for I, too, am a normal human.

0:21:390:21:45

Look how normal I'm looking. I'm normal, everyone. Normal I say!

0:21:520:21:57

Ah. That's just my, er...

0:21:570:22:02

-what do you call it?

-Mobile phone?

-Yes.

0:22:020:22:04

That's my mobolophone.

0:22:040:22:06

I'll see what it wants.

0:22:060:22:08

What do you want from me, what do you want, mobolophone?

0:22:080:22:13

And I'll go check up on my video.

0:22:130:22:16

What are you going to say to Dani if she comes in now

0:22:170:22:20

to find her camcorder missing, her bedroom ransacked,

0:22:200:22:23

and a bunch of geeks in her den? Not to mention two real aliens.

0:22:230:22:27

Surprise?

0:22:270:22:29

Almost recharged. I shall let Co-ordinator Zang

0:22:320:22:35

know we can return to our spacecraft.

0:22:350:22:37

What spacecraft would that be then?

0:22:390:22:41

Spacecraft is our pet name for our...

0:22:410:22:45

-pet flamingo.

-Give me that.

0:22:450:22:48

-This isn't a phone.

-Please be careful.

0:22:480:22:52

-It's a very sensitive piece of equipment.

-So you ARE an alien!

0:22:520:22:56

No. Maybe.

0:22:560:22:58

Yes, I am. Pretty cool, eh?

0:22:580:23:02

If Oliver's dad is going to cough up ten grand for video of an alien,

0:23:020:23:07

imagine what he'd do for a live specimen!

0:23:070:23:09

I am not for sale.

0:23:090:23:12

Wait, let go of me!

0:23:120:23:14

-Oh, no!

-What is the one thing better than video footage of an alien?

0:23:180:23:22

-Getting a pony?

-The one thing better than film of an alien is of course

0:23:220:23:27

an actual alien. And what's better than one actual alien?

0:23:270:23:31

Are you trying to tell us that you've captured an alien, Max?

0:23:310:23:35

Two aliens in fact!

0:23:350:23:37

Shall I start the bidding at 50,000?

0:23:380:23:41

Max, my aunt and uncle aren't aliens.

0:23:410:23:45

-Of course they are. Look at them. They're green and stuff.

-So is Ben.

0:23:450:23:49

So are lettuces.

0:23:490:23:52

You saw him eat that ketchup. No human can do that without being sick.

0:23:520:23:56

Jack, show him.

0:23:560:24:00

Delicious.

0:24:050:24:08

Well, Max?

0:24:080:24:10

I caught this one using some sort of alien device. She was probably

0:24:100:24:14

-preparing to wipe our minds.

-There are worse things they could wipe.

0:24:140:24:19

Ben, you're not helping.

0:24:190:24:22

Come along, boys. We're leaving.

0:24:240:24:26

Wait! Oliver, I'm telling the truth.

0:24:310:24:34

Oliver, please, please, you have to believe me.

0:24:360:24:41

I'll be sure to tell the rest of the UFO community about this.

0:24:410:24:44

Just in case you try to con anyone else out of their money.

0:24:440:24:48

But I was telling the truth!

0:24:480:24:49

Better luck next time, Maxy boy.

0:24:510:24:53

I'm sure the government would be very happy to get their hands

0:24:550:24:58

on a couple of live aliens.

0:24:580:25:00

I'm sure you two will look great in a specimen jar.

0:25:000:25:04

I have had enough for one day.

0:25:040:25:06

-I beg your pardon?

-Aliens.

0:25:060:25:07

Rudeness. Wrecking Dani's bedroom.

0:25:070:25:10

There's only so much I can take!

0:25:100:25:11

Ooh! What are you going do, Sam? Ask me nicely to stop?

0:25:110:25:16

No. I'm going to tell you to stop. And if you don't, you are so for it.

0:25:160:25:20

Leave our alien friends alone,

0:25:200:25:22

go and clean up the mess in Dani's bedroom,

0:25:220:25:24

put her camcorder back and then go to your room!

0:25:240:25:27

All you ever had to say was "please".

0:25:270:25:31

Come on, Ben. Let's go and do as Miss Shoutypants says.

0:25:310:25:36

Would now be a good time to mention you're not going to get your pizza?

0:25:390:25:43

Urgh!

0:25:430:25:44

When the power in the teleport unit reaches 100%,

0:25:490:25:53

we shall return to our spacecraft.

0:25:530:25:54

There were so many things I never got to ask.

0:25:540:25:57

Like, is time really relative?

0:25:570:25:59

Do you use social engineering to create a truly peaceful society?

0:25:590:26:03

Do you have as little clue what she's on about as I do?

0:26:030:26:06

Such a shame we couldn't meet Dani.

0:26:060:26:08

Just as well. If she knew half of what's been going on...

0:26:080:26:11

Hi guys, I'm back. >

0:26:110:26:13

How was Max?

0:26:130:26:15

Who... What is, who are they?

0:26:190:26:22

Co-ordinator, now's your chance to say

0:26:220:26:26

all those things you wanted to say.

0:26:260:26:29

-Go on.

-No, you go on.

-I can't.

0:26:290:26:33

Me neither. I'm too nervous.

0:26:330:26:36

-Dani?

-Yes?

0:26:380:26:41

What's your favourite shape?

0:26:410:26:44

So... How did the show go?

0:26:480:26:50

Aren't you going to explain to me why there were two aliens

0:26:510:26:54

in my living room?

0:26:540:26:55

Would you believe this is all a dream?

0:26:550:26:57

There were two real live aliens in my house!

0:26:570:27:00

They disappeared right in front of my eyes!

0:27:000:27:02

DOORBELL RINGS

0:27:020:27:04

Greetings, earthlings!

0:27:060:27:08

Another one! I can't believe it.

0:27:080:27:11

A real, live alien in my house.

0:27:110:27:13

This is amazing. Did you come here in a flying saucer?

0:27:130:27:17

No, the 47 bus.

0:27:170:27:19

-I'm the Aliengram you ordered.

-What?

0:27:190:27:24

And we still didn't get Dani's autograph.

0:27:280:27:32

Perhaps we should return

0:27:320:27:34

and properly introduce ourselves to Dani.

0:27:340:27:37

There is no way I am going back down there while Max is still at large.

0:27:370:27:41

You're right. Earth is far too dangerous.

0:27:410:27:44

Shall we use the amnesia ray to make the humans forget we ever existed?

0:27:440:27:49

BOTH: Nah!

0:27:490:27:50

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