Secret Millionaire Dani's House

I've observed that humans are always talking about money.

What is money, Co-ordinator Zang?

On our planet, we go to the falafel pod and help ourselves

but on earth, they have to pay for everything with this.

M-money.

It's a golden sticky liquid that goes in a jar.

Why does it say "honey" on the label?

Have you not learnt to read earth words yet?

It says money, not honey.

Mm! Yummy. It's delicious.

This is my money! Make your own.

How am I gonna do that?

You have to get one of these money-making machines.

Inside there are little workers who make all the money for you. Ooh!

-Wow! Look at all that money!

-I know! I'm rich.

Ow! One just bit me!

-I think that's their way of saying hello.

-Oh, well...

Hello!

Hold on, they've all come out to say hello.

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

Ow! Friendly little fellows, aren't they?

Hi, I'm Dani and this is my fantastic new...

-Best friend Jack.

-Yeah, but...

Oh, where was I?

Your name's and I'm your best friend Sam.

As I was saying, this is my fantastic...

-Max!

-I'm her brother and actually, it's... Ben?

-What? Oh, it's our show...

-CHATTER

Can you just zip it?

As I was saying, I'm Dani and this is my fantastic...

COMMOTION

I give up!

-ARGUING

-It's not your show, is it?

Morning, world. Do you ever wake up and wish you were filthy rich?

I'm filthy rich.

I'm filthy rich.

Uh!

I'm just filthy.

I don't normally care about money

but that was before I saw these shoes.

They're a little bit out of my price range but I have to have them.

My toes demand it.

There's just a teeny, tiny problem.

I'm broke!

Oh, look at all the junk mail I got this morning.

Isn't it great? With this coupon, I can get 25% off a caravan.

You can't drive and you haven't got a car.

What are you going to do with a caravan?

Use it to store a year's supply of horse food going cheap with this coupon.

-You haven't got a horse.

-No, but I can get two for one on hamsters.

-They eat hay, don't they?

-This is all going in the recycling so it can be turned into something useful.

Oh, er, you've got to let me keep this one.

It's a coupon for a free nappy.

I thought it might come in handy when I open this

and see how much money I've got in my account.

SENTIMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS

-Please don't do that.

-RECORD SCRATCHES OFF

-Are you broke too?

-I haven't opened it yet.

HE SNIFFS

-Doesn't smell good, though.

-You can tell by sniffing the envelope?

Be brave. Open it. We can be poor together.

Ah, thanks, Dani.

But if you do have any money, I will be taking it to buy these shoes.

Mm, hey, I had a coupon for those. 50% off.

No!

-JACK LAUGHS

-When they say you'll grow if you eat your vegetables, they mean it.

My lab coat shrunk in the wash. I can't afford a new one.

-Can anyone lend me some cash?

-Sorry. I'm saving up to buy these shoes.

Yes, I am, you pretty little things!

Why can't you be prettier?

Dani, they're just shoes. Without a lab coat, I can't do any of my science experiments.

SHE GASPS Oh, they are beautiful!

Yes, you are!

-We have to get these.

-I know but they're so expensive.

Shoes made out of solid gold would be cheaper.

You won't get me spending that on foot furniture.

All you need is a cheap pair of trainers.

Bunny rabbit slippers?

Jack, you got dressed on top of your pyjamas again.

-You're turning into a slob.

-All right, chill out.

It's just a wardrobe malfunction. I am not a slob.

-Ugh!

-Oh...

-What?

-Only bees want to see you eat.

I've got a million quid in my bank account? How did that get there?

I must be better at saving than I thought.

Whoo-hoo! I'm filthy rich.

Let's go get some money.

Oh!

ATM BLEEPING

Jack?

Where'd he go?

-Maybe you upset him, calling him a slob.

-That was you.

Oh, yeah.

Well, maybe you upset him with... whatever you said.

Oh, look. He's opened his bank statement.

-Wonder how much money he's got?

-We shouldn't look. It's private.

Bet he's as broke as me.

What are all those noughts?

SHE GASPS He's a millionaire!

I've had it with being poor, Ben. I want to be so rich I need a piggy bank the size of a house.

I mean, how hard can it be to make a million pounds?

Easy.

Quite hard?

Very hard? Impossible?

One of the above.

All we have to do is come up with a brilliant money-making scheme.

Money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money, money...

-Can you stop saying money?

-OK, Max.

Cash, cash, cash, cash, cash, cash, cash, cash, cash...

Oh, gotcha.

What we need is something that people can't live without.

-Ooh, I know, I know, I know!

-Go for it!

Air. People can't live without air.

You want to make money by selling people air?

We need to work out how to bag it up and we're in business.

Why pay for something that's free?

-Or we could make sweets.

-Hey, you know what we could make, Ben?

Sweets. Everybody loves sweets.

-But isn't that just...?

-You know, sometimes I amaze even myself.

Nah, what are you like?

But if he's got money, why does he dress so scruffily and come round scavenging for food?

Maybe he's one of those secret millionaires who don't want people to know.

I can't believe he didn't tell us. We're his best friends.

I know. We're supposed to tell each other everything.

His secret would've been safe with us.

-Hmm.

-OK, so would've told a few people.

OK, a lot.

OK, we would've told everyone.

But so what if he's a millionaire? We wouldn't treat him any differently.

No, he's still the same old Jack to me.

Whose money I could borrow to buy these expensive shoes.

Oh, Dani.

Well, he can afford it.

He probably carries that much around in loose change.

But he obviously hasn't told us about the money for a reason.

I don't care if he's the tooth fairy. I want to know where this came from.

So it's just a clerical error?

The decimal point's in the wrong place.

I see.

So how much have I got in my account?

£10? Great.

Well, he can't know that we know what he doesn't want us to know.

I know, I know.

But how am I supposed to pretend my best friend is Mr Moneybags?

Well, you're an actress. Start acting like nothing's happened.

BOTH: Hi, Jack.

Hi, guys.

Listen, sorry I was such a mess earlier on.

Oh, don't worry about it.

We love you just the way you are, right, Sam?

Don't change a thing.

-Ooh, let get your jacket.

-Would you like a drink?

Er, juice would be nice.

You don't want that cheap stuff.

-Dani's got some freshly squeezed orange juice.

-Mm-hm!

Isn't that one of your mum's crystal glasses

that you said I should never touch, ever, in case I break it?

Oh, don't worry if you break it. It's only money.

-Why are you looking at me like that?

-I wasn't. Were you?

-No.

-Is it OK if I check my emails on your laptop?

-Yeah, it's in the den.

Why not upgrade your mobile and check them any time?

Yeah, right. Like I could afford that.

Did you hear that? He's totally faking.

He shouldn't be keeping this money secret.

He should be out spending it.

That boy needs some serious retail therapy.

Shoes!!!

Time we did some market research, Ben.

You want us to eat these sweets?

To invent something new, we need to know what works and what doesn't.

-This is the greatest day of my life.

-Let's start with these blue ones.

Mm. Fruity.

-Good mouth feel.

-Tastes like blackberries.

I'm getting a hint of blueberry with maybe just a splash of apple.

-Ooh! A chewy centre.

-I'd say a medium-density caramel.

Uh-oh! It's a jaw-breaker!

That could send you straight to the dentist.

HE GASPS

SPITTING AND THUDDING

-Your teeth have gone blue.

-Yours too!

-That is the worst kind of sweet.

-Gives away what you've been up to.

We want soft toffee

and no evidence.

Let's try a cheeky red.

-Mm!

-Mm!

-We think you should spend some money on yourself.

-Smarten yourself up a bit.

You could look like a million dollars.

Oh, so you do think I'm a slob.

No but you don't have to dress down to hang out with us.

-We'd be your friends even if you wore expensive clothes.

-OK, OK, I get the message.

But where am I going to find the money to buy clothes?

-In your bank account, maybe?

-Er, have you seen my bank account?

-No.

-No.

Don't expect a miracle makeover.

And now the weight-lifting event, which should be a real highlight

at this year's Shopping Olympics!

He's going to try and beat the world record

by holding four carrier bags in each hand.

-Do you think he can do it, Sam?

-Oh, I don't know.

Those shopping bags are really hard to hold onto.

Your fingers start to go numb, it's really hard to hold on.

It's what competitors call the high-street stagger.

He's going to really need a clean lift to take home that gold medal!

Lift!

-Yahhh!

-CROWD CHEERING

Ah, he's up, but can he hold it?

Three, two, one...

-SMASHING

-And he's done it!

-A new world record.

Has anyone seen my shopping bag with my new bedside lamp?

GLASS TINKLES

Right.

Let's get started.

-How do you actually make sweets?

-I have no idea.

-We probably need a bowl, right?

-To mix the ingredients.

-What ingredients are in sweets?

-There's sugar and er...

Let's just find a bowl, first.

What's that?

Looks like a music box. Try turning the handle.

-Broken.

-Broken.

-What do you make with this?

-Really small ice cubes?

-I've found a bowl.

-Oh, no, it's broken!

Look at all the holes in it.

Maybe we could block them up with frozen peas?

Good idea!

It works!

Don't know what all the fuss is about. Cooking is easy.

-Ready?

-Bring it on.

Oh! Ooh, ooh, ooh...

-Go!

-No!

-Ooh, looks like someone's been splashing the cash.

-So let's see.

-Wool?

-Wool? We told you to buy clothes, not knit them.

This amazing thing happened.

I was out shopping and this girl was collecting for her charity,

Bootees For Pooches.

Did you say Bootees For Pooches?

She knits bootees for homeless dogs so their feet won't get cold at night.

-How cute is that?

-Dogs have fur, they don't need bootees.

-Is wool even waterproof?

-Anyway, we get talking

and I decided, instead of buying clothes,

I'd buy wool and help Cathy knit.

-Cathy?

-Yeah, she's just sorting her bike out.

-You brought her here?

Oh, hi. You must be Jack's friends. Is it OK if we do some knitting?

Yeah, come on in. Knit away.

I think what you're doing for homeless dogs is wonderful.

All right?

-Bootees For Pooches? Oh, please!

-It's just a made-up charity.

She's only here to get her hands on Jack's money.

-We must protect our friend.

-Watch her.

Ugh!

I don't think we need all these ingredients.

If you want to invent a brand-new sweet, we can't rule anything out.

-Olives?

-Yeah, well, we can rule those out

but everything else stays.

Tinned tuna? We're making sweets that taste of fish?

It's dolphin-friendly!

That could be a good selling point for us.

I downloaded some basic recipes. None of them need tuna.

We're inventors. We have to experiment.

I mean, who knows - tuna toffee could be the next big thing.

We are so not going to be millionaires.

I think my bootee's gone a bit wrong.

Maybe we could use it as a sleeping bag for snakes.

-It's better than my first effort.

-That's a rhomboid.

-There's no need to be rude.

-That's the name of the geometric shape.

-Wow!

-So, Cathy, how many people are there at this charity?

-It's just me.

Really? Just you. Have you collected much money yet?

-Not yet. I'm working on it.

-Got your eye on a wealthy donor, eh?

-A millionaire with a soft spot for dogs?

-I've got the money, it's knitters I need.

-Oh, dear.

-And I thought I was doing bad.

-The bootees have attacked us!

-It's a knitastrophe!

Relax, I'll get some scissors.

Jack's so nice. I wish I had a friend like him.

-You wish he had his money, more like.

-Sorry?

-We know your game. You can drop the act now.

-What are you talking about?

-We're talking about you trying to get your hands on Jack's £1 million.

-Jack's got £1 million?

Like you don't know already.

Why don't we get Cathy to teach us how to knit first?

Then we'll be bootee-licious.

-Unfortunately, Cathy's just leaving.

-You just got here.

-Well, I...

Please stay. We want to learn how to knit, don't we?

-Girls?

-I'll teach you the basics, then I've got to get going.

If that's OK with you.

-Yeah, cool.

-Good idea.

So tell me what we're supposed to do with these bad boys?

-What are you knitting, Co-ordinator?

-Tentacle warmers.

Look, I've finished one already.

You won't need those when I'm finished.

What are you knitting, Co-ordinator?

A jumper for the spaceship.

STRAINING

-Maybe we put too much treacle in our tuna toffee.

-You think?

Keep stirring.

-The spoon won't budge!

-Push harder!

SPLINTERING

-It ate the top of the spoon!

-Oh, no!

I'm going in.

-SQUELCHING

-It's so sticky and horrible.

I've got it.

-Don't mess about, Ben, we need to crack on.

-My hand's stuck!

-Oh, no!

-What am I supposed to do with this?

You could use it as an umbrella.

It isn't funny. I want my hand back.

Pull as hard as you can.

-Wow, that is some handshake you've got.

-Pull it off!

OK.

It's not working.

I'll go and get help.

Oh, great.

Phew! For a moment I thought I was stuck to you, there.

Next time I say we use a recipe, we use a recipe.

-Nnnnnn...

-I'm stuck!

That scam artist might have pulled the wool over Jack's eyes,

but she's not going to fool us, Sam.

Knit one, purl one, knit one...

Sam!

Dani, you made me drop a stitch.

-You're making bootees.

-I know. Cathy's a good teacher.

Such a good liar, more like.

She's really sweet. And I don't think she's after Jack's money.

Of course she's sweet. That's how con artists work.

They get you to like them and then...

Knit one, purl one...

-..bam! They take you for everything you've got.

-Again!

Dani, you're making me botch my bootee.

Do you honestly think she puts bootees on stray dogs?

Well, I say innocent until proven guilty.

That's it. I'll borrow the dog from next door

and pretend it's a stray.

Then we'll see if she can put bootees on pooches.

Wow. You've got such a devious mind.

Ah, thanks.

STRAINING

-I'm getting hungry.

-Oh, me too.

-STOMACH RUMBLING

Ben, see if you can reach that packet of biscuits over there.

Almost there, almost there.

MIAOWING

-It's The Cat From Hell!

-It can smell the tuna!

-Run!

-Ahhh!

-VICIOUS YOWLING

-I'm free!

-THROATY YOWLING

Back, you! Back.

SCREECHING

-PURRING

-It took the tuna toffee.

Well, there goes our first satisfied customer.

Whoo! Man, this thing is warm.

I wish I'd left a bigger hole.

Look what I found outside my house! It's a stray!

Oh, he's so cute and so clean. Are you sure he's a stray?

He's a stray all right. Definitely a stray.

Dogs don't come strayer!

-Hasn't your neighbour got a dog like this?

-He hasn't got a dog.

-I've heard it barking.

-You've got a knitted helmet on, you can't hear anything.

-I thought we could fit it with some bootees.

-Great idea.

-You're going to put bootees on this dog?

-That's what she said.

-Here, use mine.

-Thanks.

Let's make these paws all nice and toasty.

Aren't you a good doggy? Yes, you are.

Oh! That is adorable.

No, it's not, it looks ridiculous.

Hey, buddy. If you feel like swapping, just wag your tail, yeah?

You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna bring you home with me.

-No, no. You can't have him.

-Why not?

-Yeah, Dani, why not?

Because, because, er... I saw him first.

You've got The Cat From Hell. That's not gonna work.

Keep out of it, knit boy.

-Dani won't let you have the dog because it's not a stray.

-Sam!

-It's next door's dog.

-I knew it!

See, these woolly ears are working just fine.

I thought your charity was a fake and I wanted to test you.

-I'm really sorry.

-No, you're right. I'm sorry. The charity is fake.

-What?!

-What?

-There's no such thing as Bootees For Pooches.

-I made it up.

-So you are a con artist!

No. I'm a secret millionairess.

I go round helping out the less fortunate.

I saw Jack in town dressed in his pyjamas, jam smeared all over his face

and I thought, "Here's someone who needs help."

You let me go out with jam on my face?

-I said she wasn't after Jack's money.

-How was I supposed to know?

It would be nice to meet a millionaire who didn't keep it secret.

-Let me get this straight. You thought I was a pauper?

-Sorry.

-Easy mistake to make.

-Thanks.

How was Bootees For Pooches going to help Jack? He's not a stray dog.

Well, I wanted to give him something to do. When I realised I'd made a mistake, I didn't know what to say.

-So all this knitting was for nothing?

-I was gonna pay you for the bootees.

-That's OK, then.

Let me see how many I've got here.

Let me see - one, two...

Jack, from what I've heard, you don't need my money.

-What have you heard?

-She hasn't heard anything.

-She must be thinking of another Jack.

Shouldn't you be helping people who have less money than you?

-There's someone out there with less money than me?

-Yeah. Me, for a start.

What if I knit bootees? Will you pay me?

I need some money for some shoesies. I mean, shoes.

I think you'll all be fine without my help.

It was fun knitting with you guys. We'll do it again sometime.

How much do you think she would've given me for this?

Next up is lot 287, a rare and priceless knitted...

thing.

£1 million, anybody?

-COUGHING

-Ah, you madam.

No? You were just coughing.

Now, you, sir.

Yes, you, scratching your nose. Did you bid £1 million?

You've got an itch. Right.

It says here, it's a multi-purpose piece of knitwear.

Can be used as a scarf...

A hat...

Skipping rope.

Oh, OK, I admit it, it's rubbish.

Who wants this useless pile of wool for nothing?

Sold to the sheep shivering in the back.

SHEEP BAAS

It's so much easier when you follow a recipe.

That's what I said but would you listen? No.

We had to experiment.

-That was my idea.

-We can't all be geniuses, Ben.

Now, my idea is that we sell these and make a fortune.

-We probably should test one to make sure they taste OK.

-Good idea.

We wouldn't want any complaints, now, would we?

Mm. That tastes amazing.

-They are chewy and adorable.

-These are the best sweets ever.

We're gonna be millionaires, Ben! Millionaires!

Let's test one more, just to be on the safe side.

That's the side I want to be on.

But why did you think she was a con artist?

-We thought she was after your money.

-What money? I'm broke.

Oh, yeah. We keep forgetting you're skint, as poor as a church mouse.

-Why are you still knitting?

-I like the sound it makes.

Clicketty-click, clicketty-click...

-It feels like I'm on a train.

-Jack, it's time you told us your secret.

-What secret?

-We know, we just want you to tell us.

Look. I didn't want to tell you because I was afraid of what you'd think.

We're your friends. We'll stick with you no matter what.

All right, I admit it.

It is me who's been leaving the toilet seat up in the bathroom.

BOTH: Men!

Man! Girls are so fussy about that stuff.

Clicketty-click...

Maybe next time we shouldn't test all the sweets.

I'm so full I can't move.

People who make sweets must be the size of a house.

-With really rotten teeth.

-They must have to go to the dentist all the time.

Oh! Sweet-making was a bad idea.

We'd eat all the stock and end up losing money AND our teeth.

We should grow and sell vegetables. We'd never eat any of them.

Hey, look! We missed one.

We should try and sell it.

It is very rare.

We could put it up for sale at £1 million.

Are those cat hairs stuck to it?

Yes, let's charge £2 million.

At that price, it's a bargain.

Who wants to be a millionaire, anyway?

Not me.

Rrroww!

The Cat From Hell!

-You have it.

-No, you have it.

No, you have it. Run!

VICIOUS YOWLING

Bootees for bears was a much better idea.

There you are! All cosy.

Oh, do you want a pair? Coming right up.

I feel bad, making Jack tell us his secret.

Me, too. Wish I'd never seen that stupid bank statement.

-Look out!

-It's The Cat From Hell!

Rrrrowww!

Hey, I know! Mittens for kittens.

YOWLING

-No!

-No!

-Get rid of all your woolly jumpers.

-I'm on it.

THEY GROAN

-Hi.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I'm really sorry I didn't tell you my big secret.

-No, we're sorry.

-We shouldn't have said anything.

-I bought you these to make up for it.

You bought us shoes?

-You didn't?

-I did.

-He didn't.

-He did!

THEY SCREAM

-You didn't have to do this.

-But thank you.

You don't have to buy us expensive stuff just because you're a millionaire.

-I'm not a millionaire.

-Jack, we know, we saw your bank statement.

They made a mistake. The decimal point was in the wrong place.

I've got £10, not a million.

But then how could you afford these shoes?

-I'm sold my decks to pay for them.

-You did what?

-Your friendship means more to me than being a DJ.

-Oh, Jack. That's so sweet.

Stay right here. We're gonna go buy your decks back.

Ooh! These are more difficult to walk in than I thought.

-Yeah, they really pinch your toes.

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow!

-Ow...

-Ow...

What are we gonna do with all these money?

Oh, I know. Let's buy things from each other.

Oh, excellent suggestion.

Oh! Would you like to buy a jar of money?

Yes, please. How much will it cost?

Erm... one jar.

-Would you like to buy a jar of money?

-Oh, yes, please.

-How much does it cost?

-One jar.

Oh!

Hmm. Shopping's really boring.

-Yeah, let's just eat the money instead.

-Mm.

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's rock these waves right out to sea

# I will be breaking free. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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