Use Your Noodle Dani's House

-Pizza's here, Co-ordinator Zang!

-About time! It's five days late.

It did come rather a long way. I heated it up on our engines.

-Aaah!

-What's the matter?

-Oh!

-Is it a film or a book?

One word. Two syllables.

Oh...clothing?

Wear? Wear. Second syllable.

Tears! Tears. Wear...tear.

Oh, water! The water fountain's just there.

I may have used the last of it cleaning the wax out of my ears.

Oh, Dani's House is on.

Hi! My name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

-Best friend Jack!

-Where was I?

-You're Dani. I'm best friend Sam.

-This is my fantastic new...

-Max!

-I'm her brother and it's... Ben?

-What? Oh, it's OUR show!

Can you just zip it?! My name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

I give up.

This isn't your show!

Hey, guys, you are just in time. I'm starring in a TV ad.

30 seconds to the world premiere!

-We haven't missed it, have we?

-Any minute now.

-Our friend on TV!

Ow! Careful. I bruise like a peach.

-What Jack meant to say was we're very proud of you!

-That, too.

Oh, guys. Oh, look! It's on! It's on! It's me!

Are you tired of the same old food things?

Bored of limp, tasteless sandwiches?

Do you want to put the knack back in your snacking?

Try new Noodle Puffs -

the new snack that's one part dust and four parts awesome!

They're noodle-doo-dandy!

Noodle Puffs are available in these great flavours - Cheesy Weasel,

Lemon Bonbon, Mystery Meat and new Medicated Cough Syrup!

They're cock-a-noodle-doo!

Noodle Puffs - now with extra sea cheese!

May lead to loss of eyebrows and sticky scalp syndrome.

-So, what do you think?

-I think I needs me some Noodle Puffs.

Mmm. Cheesy Weasel.

-Sam?

-Mm.

All you can say is "Mm"?

I'm...pleased you got the job.

Lots of actors started their career by doing TV commercials.

Oh, is that the time? Best be off. See you soon.

She wasn't wearing a watch.

Cock-a-noodle-doo!

What is it? Talk to me.

Noodle Puffs are really unhealthy. And that was for a young audience.

Oi! My Noodle Puffs!

These things are full of saturated fat, salt, 22 different chemicals

-and something called sea cheese.

-Made from the milk of a sea cow.

-Sea cows are endangered.

-How do you know about sea cheese?

-I love these.

-I know everything about them.

-And you still eat them with the dugong milk?

-Sea cow milk.

-Sea cows are dugongs.

-You're a dugong.

-Dani, darling...

-Oh, Helen! Hi!

-I've got something for you.

-A pony?

-Better than a pony.

It's a load of Noodle Puffs!

Looks like you guys love Noodle Puffs almost as much as I love them.

It's what we're eating...to find the golden tickets to win the prizes.

- Oh, yeah! - What's this about prizes?

There are golden tickets in special packs. You can win from a key ring

to a tour of the distribution plant to your own bouncy castle.

Wow! I love distribution plants.

Look! They're giving away the most advanced DJ rig ever devised!

It's worth nearly six grand! I'd better get stuck in!

Careful - eat too fast and you'll get indigestion and explode.

That's a risk I'm prepared to take.

-Who's your friend?

-This is Sam.

-You're Noodle Puff's Delivery woman.

-Helen Cranny.

Nook and Cranny Marketing. I cast Dani in the Noodle Puffs campaign.

You promote an unhealthy lifestyle and exploit an endangered species.

-And you look like a frump.

-Helen, I was going to call you.

-I don't want to do any more Noodle Puff ads.

-But it was a smash.

-It was?

-We have got big plans to expand the campaign

making you the face of Noodle Puffs.

Pretty soon, everyone is going to know your name.

Let's talk terms.

I do not look frumpy!

This...is the very last one.

I don't think I can manage it. Hic!

-Max?

-No more...

Ben?

OK, I think I've got a little bit of room left

in my upper gastro-intestinal tract.

Ohh...

-It's a golden ticket!

-Is that good?

-You've won something!

-The distribution plant tour!

Oh! What's the Mix Guru Four Billion?

What?! You won the Mix Guru?! That was meant to be my box!

Ohhh, no more...

Observe out marketing targets, here, here and here.

-Stage One - Noodle Puffs launches...

-'This is so boring!

'I wish she was talking about something else. Like submarines.

'Or motorbikes. Way more interesting. Vroom! Vroom!

'Look at me, I'm riding on a motorbike. Neeeow!

'How did that cat get on the bike? Meeeow!

-'Meeeow! Meeeow!'

-Dani?

-Dani!

-Caterbikes. ..Motorbikes!

-What?

-Cats on motorbikes.

-What about them?

-They're cool.

-In their little leather jackets.

-Maybe you could ride a motorbike

in the advert. You could jump it over a swimming pool

-filled with Noodle Puff-eating sharks.

-That would be amazing!

I've always wanted to do my own stunts. Check this out.

Ow! I think I twisted my ankle.

This is the forthcoming product of Bath-Time Noodle Puffs.

Eat them or wash with them. Or wash with them and then eat them.

-The choice is yours.

-I don't know about all this, Helen.

I'm flattered that you want me, but I should focus on my music.

-We could use one of your songs.

-Yes?

It'll be shown in cinemas for months.

People won't get it out of their heads.

They'll be walking along and, "NO! It's that Dani song again!

-"Make it stop!"

-I don't want them being sick of me.

-Sick is just another word for love.

-Glad I'm not your boyfriend.

Do we have a deal?

You're not a DJ. What'll you do?

I could turn it into a potter's wheel. I want to make a vase.

In America, they pronounce it "vayse".

That would be sacrilege! Like drawing a moustache on the Mona Lisa.

Or turning Big Ben digital.

I guess I could let you have it.

If he wants that DJ rig so bad, he has to pay one of us for it.

-I can't afford to buy it.

-Then we're keeping it.

-It's going to waste.

-If only I knew how to DJ.

-I'll teach you!

-You'd do that?

-A great man needs an apprentice.

-But why do you?

Ha. Funny guy(!)

Are those...?

Are those noodles in your ears?

I may have overdone it.

Thank you, Dani.

Mr Nook will be over the Moon that you are our Noodle Puff girl.

-I thought you'd left.

-Someone had to stop you.

Please don't give me the Riot Act!

-You're selling your soul!

-Who cares if Noodle Puffs are bad for you?

Everything's bad if you eat too much. Salt, rat poison...

Not everything uses milk of an endangered species.

-But it could be good for my career.

-Prof Brian Cox protects the dugong.

He'd do whatever it took to further his understanding of the universe.

That's not true! You take that back about my Brian.

Today you'll see some of the work we're doing with this -

the Large Dugong Collider. Any questions?

-Professor, hi.

-Hello.

Hi.

-Sorry. Did you say Large Dugong Collider?

-That's right.

I thought it was the Large Hadron Collider, the particle accelerator.

This is the world's largest dugong accelerator.

With this we can accelerate dugongs to almost the speed of light.

-Why?

-So we can smash them together!

Bang! Because we think if we collide dugongs together,

we can get an almost infinite supply of sea cheese.

Sea cheese - yummy, yummy.

Come on.

Oh, Brian, I thought you were so different.

BEATBOX SOUNDS

Ow!

To play the turntables, you must become a turntable.

Yes, my master. Become a turntable.

Set your brain to 45 revs per minute.

45rpm.

You must tune into your heartbeat and play it like a bass line.

-What utter guff!

-Answer me, Ben.

-What do turntables do?

-They turn, my master.

You're a natural, my young apprentice. Now...

Become a turntable.

I am a turntable! I am a turntable! I am Mr Spinny!

For pity's sake!

Spin, spin, spin, spin, spin...!

-#

-Sometimes I feel like breaking free

-#

-Let's lift these chains Let's rock this wave

-#

-Right out to sea...

-#

That's great, Dani. Lovely song.

But I can't help noticing that you weren't singing about Noodle Puffs.

-The song's not about them.

-Fair dos.

Well, here are the new words to sing.

-You changed my lyrics?

-The advert is about Noodle Puffs.

It isn't appropriate to sing about breaking free and rocking waves.

Dani... Excuse me.

You can't do this.

You'll forever be associated with bad health and exploiting dugongs.

-Is that what you want?

-I'll give my fee to dugong conservation. Happy?

-But think of your career.

-I am!

Remember the Barley Crunch bear? He was a serious actor before that.

And then I said to Sir Ian,

"Darling, that is not how you play a wizard."

Of course, everyone knows you best

as the face of popular breakfast cereal Barley Crunch.

That was a very long time ago. I'd like to focus on my current project.

-A one-bear version of Romeo and...

-What was your catchphrase?

-I'd rather not dwell on the past.

-Your audience would like to hear it.

-Wouldn't you, audience?

-APPLAUSE

-So how about it?

-Somebody's been stealing my Barley Crunch.

APPLAUSE There, I said it.

"Somebody stole my Barley Crunch!"

That's not right. It's somebody's been stealing my...

APPLAUSE Stop laughing!

-I'm a serious actor!

-"Somebody stole my Barley Crunch!"

You're still getting it wrong!

Stop laughing at me! AAAARGH!

SCREAMS

It's too late. I signed the contracts. We film this afternoon.

Fine. If you won't stop it, maybe I will.

-Sam...!

-What's wrong with frumpy knickers?

-I heard that!

-Zing, zing, zing!

-Repeat after me. That's straight blazin'!

-That is straight blazing!

-I got the crazy bones!

-I've got some crazy bones!

-Feel the satisfaction!

-Feel the satisthingy...in the room!

I'm dropping the beats with a big shout-out to all the honeys!

I'm Ben, something about beating up a pot of honey!

And the whooping and hooping and the...sha-la-la-la-la!

-#

-Sha-la-la-la-la!

-# It needs work.

Please, Universe, give me some fun.

Jack, we need to do something about Dani. You going to help me?

Sorry. Got my hands full teaching Ben to be a slamming club DJ, like me.

-You're serious?

-My young apprentice and I have a long road ahead.

Is it the Yellow Brick Road?

Sam, let me get this straight. You plan to disrupt Dani's career?

-Just this once.

-Maybe I could help.

-Thanks. It's for the right reasons,

-because Noodle Puffs are a menace. not to upset her.

-Sam, Sam, Sam...

I've eaten enough Noodle Puffs to know how bad they are.

I'd like nothing more than for them to be stamped out.

Atchoo!

That's what I'm talking about.

This episode is making me hungry!

What are you drawing?

-An idea for a new invention to make me rich!

-What is it?

A device for seeing through walls.

I've always wanted to see through walls. How does it work?

-Firstly, I get an amount of sand...

-You appear to have invented

-the window.

-And that's been done before, has it?

-Come here and watch the show.

-OK.

Please, come in.

Em...OK.

Welcome to my world of mystery and intrigue, Samantha.

Here's what I'm thinking. We stage a protest.

-We disrupt filming of Dani's next advert.

-Disrupt it how?

Placards, chanting, marching up and down, throwing paint.

-Sounds a bit aggressive.

-Do you want it to work?

-Try passive protest.

We can lay down and refuse to move.

Lay down? You want to protest by laying down?

-Why not?

-Was Alexander the Great lying down when he conquered Persia?

Did man fly to the Moon by laying down?

Actually, yes. In the Apollo capsule the astronauts would lie...

Think about the poor dugongs,

being milked for their cheese.

Don't they deserve some dignity in their final years?

They won't be their final years if someone stops this.

And that someone is us. I can't do this alone, Sam.

-Please.

-And you're definitely doing this because you disagree with it?

Look - is this the face of a liar?

Day Two, my young apprentice. You've come a long way.

But you're not ready for a real turntable.

However, this crude mock-up should allow you to practise.

It would help if you weren't eating the buttons!

-The room's just down on the left!

->

-No, no, no, the next left.

-Sorry, mate.

Sorry, darlings.

What's all this?!

-What's going on?

-Who are you?

-Jack. Dani's friend.

Well, we're very busy, so if you could just leave us.

Hahahahaha!

Move!

-OK, Dani? How are you feeling?

-Ridiculous!

-You look awesome.

-I wish I looked as good as you.

-I'm like a giant Noodle Puff!

You ARE a giant Noodle Puff! Nancy Noodle Puff, Noodle Puff queen.

Couldn't we film this somewhere else? Where I can't be seen?

When we show it, you'll be seen by millions!

Ben! Mix Guru. When does it arrive?

This afternoon, here. My dad's scared of large packages.

After Max sent him an anaconda.

Well, we have just a few more hours to turn you into a DJ.

When I'm done with you, you'll know how to mix, roll, dice, cut.

Even how to crab scratch. Stop eating the buttons!

And the other one.

Faster! Faster!

Faster!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Just in time - it's my Mix Guru!

-Action!

-I am Nancy, Queen of the Noodle Puffs.

I welcome you to Noodle Land.

Come to me, my Noodle Puffs.

Noodle-ay-hee-hoo!

-Ow! Don't throw them so hard!

-Cut!

-Cut, cut.

-What did I do wrong?

-Absolutely nothing.

I just want you to be... I want you to try it a completely different way.

-Focus on your motivation.

-Motivation? I'm a giant Noodle Puff!

Queen of Noodle Puffs. I need you to be about 10% more...

..more regal.

Yes. Good. Another 2%?

Better! Better, yes. Yes, you've almost got it.

OK, from the top. Quiet, please!

Dani has to be the focus of our protest.

-I guess, but...

-She's brought this upon herself. No one can blame us.

The Mix Guru Four Billion.

Precision.

Diamond-cut engineering.

3,000 watts of crisp audio quality.

Even before it's powered up you can feel the power within.

The beats just...straining to be unleashed.

I need it! I want it! Please, give it to me, Ben! It's wasted on you!

-You heard what Max said. I can't.

-Then let me win it off you.

2 DJs, one set of turntables each.

I challenge you to a DJ face-off.

-I don't want to take my face off! It's the only one I've got.

-A duel!

-We trade beats.

-I've only just learnt how to DJ. I'm not ready.

Ben...you are the most naturally gifted DJ I've ever seen.

If anyone can grind me into the dirt and humiliate me, it's you.

-OK, then.

-I'll get properly set up.

I can't wait for what happens next.

-#

-Sometimes I feel like eating Noodle Puffs

-#

-Let's stuff our mouths Let's eat those noodles now

-#

-Noodle-noodie-ay-oh!

-#

This campaign is going to make me a fortune.

On the count of three.

One.

Two.

Three.

-#

-Cheesy Weasel, Boiled Crab Lemon Bonbon Noodles are fu-un

-#

-Mystery Meat, what a treat...

-# CUT! Cut, cut, cut!

-MUSIC BEATS What IS that?!

-Very heavy footsteps?

-What happened?

-Aha!

Too bad, Ben. Oh, I guess that makes me the winner.

-Your Mix Guru wasn't up to the job.

-But it's brand new!

That's the thing with new DJ rigs. Not made as well as the old ones.

-No!!

-What is going on in here?! I'm trying to shoot a commercial!

-We're having a DJ face-off.

-We were.

-You look nice, Dani.

-Jack, do you have to do it now, in here?

We're not doing it any more. Our decks have died.

I feel like I've lost a friend.

-Down with Noodle Puffs!

-Protect the dugongs!

-Down with Dani!

-Did you just say, "Down with Dani"?

No, definitely down with Noodle Puffs. Take that, Dani!

-I mean, Noodle Puffs!

-What?!

-We're staging a Noodle Puffs protest.

Here, have a pamphlet.

Do you know how much this delay is costing me? Throw these idiots out!

-These idiots are my friends.

-Some of us aren't idiots.

-Or her friends.

-And some are just happy to be here.

If you want me to put Noodle Puffs first, forget it. I quit.

-You can't quit.

-Some things aren't worth selling out for.

-So that's it?

-If it's choose between my friends or Nancy Noodle Puff,

-I choose them.

-Cretin!

-Now who am I going to get?

-The name's Max.

Max! What about our protest? Your principles?

-I guess I'm selling out.

-Come with me.

I can't believe he convinced you he was doing it for the right reasons.

-I'm glad you quit, though.

-Me, too.

-Noodle-noodle-ay-hee-oo! How much am I getting paid?

-The same as Dani.

ie Nothing.

-Her earnings go to the Society for Preservation of the Dugong.

-What?!

Now get back into character. I've another 40 to shoot today.

-This is priceless.

-So who won the DJ face-off?

We agreed it should be a draw. Ben's helping me rebuild my decks.

And my DJ days are over. I've turned what's left into a shrubbery.

THEY LAUGH

-Another fine episode!

-I've got it!

This product will make my fortune!

-Let's see it.

-Imagine standing on one side of a solid wall

-and you want to get to the other side.

-OK.

-What'll you do?

-Climb over it.

-Too high.

-Burrow underneath.

-It's concrete.

-Smash through it?

-It's solid brick.

-Have you invented something to allow me to walk through brick?

-I have!

The Co-ordinator Zack Wall-o-tron 3000!

-That's a door.

-And I suppose that's already been done as well(?)

Yes!

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd - 2009

Email [email protected]