Halloween Special - Lady and the Vamp Dani's House


Halloween Special - Lady and the Vamp

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Transcript


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-Stop fidgetting.

-I'm excited. This is the first time I've been painted.

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-Right. Finished.

-Ooh. Can I see it?

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Like it?

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-Like it? You've painted me with buttocks for a face!

-Have I?

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Oh, yeah. It's a bit silly.

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-We can't send this home. I'll be a laughing stock.

-Don't panic.

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I can fix it.

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How's that?

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Perfect.

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Oh! Dani's House is on.

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My name's Dani. This is my fantastic...

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-Best friend, Jack.

-Where was I?

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I'm your best friend too, Sam.

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This is my fantastically...

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-Max!

-I'm her brother and... Ben?

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Oh! It's our show!

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Can you zip it?

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My name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

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I give up.

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ALL TALK AT ONCE

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Oh! Hey, guys. I finally landed a part in a West End show!

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I Want A Pony, the musical.

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I get to act and sing, but the bad news is I have to dance.

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Easier said than done with two left feet.

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Two days to learn the routine or I'm out of the show.

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-I've had it with that school!

-Excuse me one moment.

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-What's happened?

-They threw Max out the chess club.

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-I never knew you were in chess club.

-Chess focuses the mind, Dani.

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-But those tyrants changed the rules.

-Cheating is no longer allowed.

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-Was it ever allowed?

-If you didn't get caught.

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Nobody humiliates the Max meister.

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Make sure he doesn't break anything.

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CRASH

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Hope that wasn't something fun.

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Max, I'm coming upstairs.

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DOOR BELL

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Hey, guys. Come on through.

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-We're off to the cinema.

-We're seeing that vampire film, It Sucks.

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-Then why are you going?

-It's called It Sucks.

-And we're getting a pizza.

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A seafood Italiano! They stuff the crust with octopus ink and plankton.

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-As appetising as it sounds, I've got a dance lesson.

-How's it going?

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I know what to do in theory, but in practice...

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That happens. Ow.

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Who wants to be in a stupid chess club anyway?

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There are other clubs. Astronomy club, ballet club.

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-I'm a member of the vegetable club.

-What do they do?

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We had a talk on the history of the potato,

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and they taught me how to turn a marrow into a crude trumpet.

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SPLURTS TUNELESSLY

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-Yes. That is crude.

-Vegetable music is in its infancy.

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Whatever that means.

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I must get my revenge on those chess-playing whelks.

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A couple of years and you'll be making your Oscar acceptance speech.

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-You'll be picking up the Nobel Prize for science.

-I'll be a top club DJ.

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BEATBOXES

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You can't be a DJ for ever, Jack.

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I'll rock the party when I'm 104. Music can't be stopped by old age.

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-But your audience might be.

-You'll see!

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Jack will live on for eternity.

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What a striking statue!

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-He must have been very important.

-What does it say?

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-"Unknown"?

-What's a DJ?

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-What?

-Whatever DJs were, they're long forgotten.

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Let's go to the cinema, High School Musical 113!

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Zac Efron hasn't been the same since his hip replacement.

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Come back. I'm Jack. Please remember me. Please!

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Oh, man!

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I have to find something else to do. I can't be forgotten.

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We'll always remember you.

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-Thingey.

-That's not funny.

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You'd better shoot. My dance teacher will be here any minute.

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He's a bit eccentric. Only holds lessons after dark.

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CREAK

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Ha ha ha ha ha! THUNDER CLAPS

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ALL: Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!

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I'm Vladimir Drusilla, your dance teacher.

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CLAP OF THUNDER

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- My friends call me Vlad. - You have friends?

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You have friends! Good-looking guy with a great taste in canes!

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-And we'd best be off. Laters.

-See you in a few hours.

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CREAK

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-So, I am told you are cursed with two left feet.

-I try my best.

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A great philosopher once said, "Do or do not.

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"There is no try."

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Wasn't that Yoda from Star Wars?

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With me as your teacher, you will become the greatest dancer ever.

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Together we will dance until your feet fall off.

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That won't be very helpful.

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Enough prattle!

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It is time to begin the dancing!

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So dance!

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How best to get my revenge on that simpering chess club?

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Exploding pawns?

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Scratch that. Too complex.

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Scratch? Itch?

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-Ben, I've got it.

-What have you got, Max?

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-I've got fleas.

-Oh, dear.

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Stop! Stop!

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It is like watching stray cat fighting with pigeon.

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-Where is your rhythm, your poise?

-Same place as your manners!

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To dance, you must embrace both the light and the shadows.

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# Ba-da ba ba

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# Da-da-da-da-da-da da da #

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I learned to dance as a boy around campfire,

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when trousers caught alight.

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You will dance like your trousers are ablaze!

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-If I have to.

-Go. Your legs are burning!

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Go! Hear the symphony of the night!

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Yes! Yes! Yes!

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No.

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Syphonapta scratchitis.

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Also known as the South American mega flea.

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The most powerful breed of flea known to man.

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-Flea-mungous!

-I was waiting to unleash them on Dani.

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Instead, I shall use them to enact my revenge on the chess club.

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-What will you do?

-Release them into the ventilation system.

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And infest those chess-playing chimps.

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Check and mate.

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-Never have I seen such terrible dancing.

-Maybe I can't do it.

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Everybody can dance, child.

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-Hey, guys. How was the movie?

-Over Jack's screaming, sounded great.

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I was clearing my throat. COUGHS

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Don't act like you weren't scared.

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The difference? I can tell what's real.

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VLAD: I will return tomorrow.

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Do not let the bugs bite.

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JACK: Laters.

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What have you been eating? Your breath is ghastly.

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Seafood pizza and garlic bread. Garlic?

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-DOOR SLAMS

-He's a bit intense.

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-As long as he gets me dancing, I do not care.

-What else might he be?

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Weird cane, pale skin, doesn't like garlic.

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Your dance teacher's a vampire! GASP

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LAUGH

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-What was I saying about fantasy and reality?

-Vampires aren't real, Jack.

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Next you'll say the Easter bunny isn't real.

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One more matter to discuss

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before we end this meeting of the council of myths and legends.

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-Easter Bunny.

-That's my name.

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Myself, Mother Earth and Jack Frost, we've been thinking and...

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-We just don't get you.

-What do you mean?

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You're a giant rabbit who leaves chocolate eggs.

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-It's just a bit random.

-I'm random? What about the tooth fairy?

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The tooth fairy provides a worthwhile service.

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So do I. Who doesn't love chocolate eggs?

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We were thinking, it might make more sense if you delivered carrots.

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-Who'll look forward to Easter if they get carrots?

-Just saying.

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It's like Percy the pancake penguin.

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Pancake Day was great till you got rid of him.

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-He'd vomit pancake mix through letter boxes!

-OK.

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How about I leave...

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chocolate carrots?

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All in favour?

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Vampire myths are all tied to eastern European folk tales.

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-Vampires as dance teachers?

-Dance teachers who hold lessons at night?

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Creatures who disintegrate in sunlight, drink blood

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and are only killed by a stake through the heart can't exist.

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We'll go over Operation Flea Bite when you stay tomorrow.

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-Am I coming to stay? Wicked!

-What are you up to?

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Revenge, Dani. I don't expect your feeble brain to understand.

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DING DONG

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-The postman's been.

-It's eight o'clock at night.

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-AS VLAD:

-Maybe it wasn't from postman.

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"Please take good care."

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Puppies!

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-Kittens, Ben.

-Kittens!

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-They're so cute!

-JACK: Hello kitty witty.

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People become irrational around small furry things.

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-Wonder who left them.

-It's up to us to give them a home.

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-Hang on.

-I

-found them...

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You'd just be mean to them.

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The well-being of these animals is foremost in my mind.

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Come along, kittens. Come with Daddy.

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Help him with his most diabolical scheme yet!

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-I've got a bad feeling about this.

-So do I.

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You'll be remembered for your part in the destruction of chess club.

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You're going to need names.

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I've got it!

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I shall call you...

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Killer!

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Smasher!

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Shredder!

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Punch Monkey!

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And Bogey Bum!

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THUNDER CLAPS

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A-ha-ha-ha!

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A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

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-Good film...

-PHONE RINGS

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Hello?

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Hey, guys. Mum and Dad said Max can keep the kittens.

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I've only got today and tonight to learn the dance routines.

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-Or I'm for the chop.

-DING DONG

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I've decided to become a famous vampire slayer!

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Like Buffy or Abraham van Helsing.

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-Arch enemy of Dracula!

-Dracula, the vampire who didn't exist?

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My deeds shall become legends, my name echoing throughout the ages.

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DJ Jack Von Helsing Von Buffy McBlane.

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-Vampire slayer.

-You're not going to slay anyone.

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Especially not my dance teacher.

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That was Jack's mum on the phone. He left babbling on about slaying...

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-You've got to be kidding me.

-Look good in leather, don't I?

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Max, I'm here!

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Ben, I've just been feeding the babies some special cat milk.

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-What do you think?

-You don't want to know what I'm thinking.

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I can feed them like a proper mummy cat.

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Miaow!

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-I never knew you were such an animal lover.

-Me? Pah!

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Killer, Smasher, Shredder, Punch Monkey and Bogey Bum need their strength.

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I'm going to infest them with fleas then leave them outside chess club.

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What happened to the ventilation system?

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You saw how people react to kittens.

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Those chess club squibs will do the same. Then, bam!

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They'll be scratching like mad.

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Prepare to be infested, felines.

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GENTLE MEWING

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-What's wrong?

-I don't think I can do it.

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Why not?

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I look the kittens in the eye and something snaps inside me.

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Ben, I think...

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I'm becoming nice.

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Right, I've got my garlic, my holy water pistol.

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-Where did you get this stuff?

-Same place as this.

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Vampire Hunting For Dummies?

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You can't slay people because you think they're a vampire.

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Or shoot someone with a silver bullet cos they've got a mono-brow!

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You're jealous cos I look so cool.

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It's not a bad idea if you're here when my teacher comes.

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Vampire or not, he's still a bit... Emo.

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We'll stay. It's what friends are for.

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Just keep hidden. Vlad can't know you're here.

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Last night, I dreamed I gave Dani a birthday present.

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Not a joke one. A proper birthday present.

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What a nightmare, Max.

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The kittens have been sucking the badness out of me.

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I thought it was milk.

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It's like my head is full of buttercups.

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And...pixie music!

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Perhaps we should play Planet Of The Chainsaws.

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It might bring you to your senses.

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I'm not playing those nasty violent games any more.

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BOTH: Aaargh!

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Humans act strangely around young of other species.

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-It's not doing anything for me.

-Indeed. It's making me feel ill.

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The most hideous creatures I've seen.

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Switch it off before it can weave its hypnotic spell.

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Oh. Actually...

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-Now that I look in its big soppy eyes...

-Don't fall for it.

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That's what the beast wants.

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-Can we get a kitten, coordinator? Please?

-Certainly not.

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Have you seen what kittens grow into?

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-You're ready for a lesson?

-Never been readier.

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This is your final chance to learn the dance.

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Nothing's going to mess this up.

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TUMMY RUMBLES

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Excuse the rumblings. I haven't had a bite all day.

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That's my cue!

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Glug on this, fang-face!

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Jack!

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What? What are you doing, boy? I'm dripping!

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What part of "stay hidden" didn't you understand?

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He hasn't had a bite all day. Why did you squirt me?

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-The water isn't burning?

-Of course it's not burning him.

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Yeah, um... The reason I squirted you was because...

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It's, er...April Fool's Day!

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-It's not April Fool's Day.

-It is, somewhere in the world.

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-No it isn't, Jack.

-All right, truth is...

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I thought you were a...vampire.

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Hilarious...

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I shall tell the producers you're not serious about being in the show.

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I am. I'm sorry. I'll learn the moves, I promise.

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You have humiliated me. You have made me all...

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watery, and you're going to regret it.

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Wait. No. It wasn't...

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Dani, I'm so sorry.

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Have you any idea how long I've been dreaming about being in that show?

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Oh, I wish I had a real pony,

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rather than this dusty old toy.

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-NEIGHING

-Who are you?

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NEIGHS

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I am the Pony King!

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I appeared when you stroked your magic pony, where I've been trapped for eons.

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Wow! Are you going to grant me three wishes, Pony King?

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-Why would you assume that?

-Because of the whole genie thing.

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I'm the Pony King, not a genie.

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You appeared like a genie.

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Hello? Do genies live in toy ponies?

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Uh-uh. I don't think so.

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What kind of half-witted dumb imbecile...?

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-Let me out! Let me out!

-When, oh when, will I get my pony?

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# Oh, when will I get my pony?

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# Oh, where is my pon... #

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-I was trying to help.

-Trying to help yourself become a vampire hunter.

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It's all about you and your stupid legacy.

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-I don't want Dani to be attacked by a vampire.

-Just go home, Jack.

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ALL: Aarrgghh!

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-It's a bat!

-I told you he's a vampire!

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Do you still believe he isn't a vampire?

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OK. I believe you.

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My dance teacher's a vampire. He bit me on the nose. Peachy(!)

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-Look on the bright side. He didn't bite you on the...

-Shut up, Jack!

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The dark is nothing to be frightened of.

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There aren't monsters in the dark.

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-Probably.

-It's OK, Max.

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-I'm here for you.

-I'm scared, Ben. I'm never usually scared.

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The dark is usually frightened of me.

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I'm frightened I'll never get the old Max back.

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Max, are you holding my hand?

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Maybe a little.

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CLAP OF THUNDER

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There are 16 species of bat in Britain. None suck blood.

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-But it bit me on my nose.

-Are you sure it bit you?

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-I've got vampir-itis!

-Or rabies, and that's not very likely.

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Keep an eye on her. She could change at any time.

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I can't become a vampire. I look terrible in black.

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We have to kill the vampire that bit you to stop the bloodline!

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ALL: Aarrgghh!

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Thank goodness. The power's back.

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Now you, me and the kittens

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can watch this DVD of nature's 100 prettiest rainbows.

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Max, let's do something fun, plan something terrible for Dani.

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I have responsibilities now.

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What would the kittens think?

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To catch a vampire, you need to think like a vampire.

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Wait long enough and that won't be a problem for me.

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Eternal life must be exciting. What an opportunity!

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So, what shall we do tonight?

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-Find someone to bite.

-That's what we do every night.

0:21:510:21:56

-So? We're vampires!

-Fine. We'll bite someone. I'll brush my teeth.

0:21:560:22:01

Anyone for chocolate carrots?

0:22:080:22:11

No? My mistake.

0:22:120:22:15

Here, vampy vampy vampy!

0:22:180:22:21

Here, boy. WHISTLES

0:22:210:22:23

-Ssh! What are you doing?

-Trying to lure him out of hiding.

0:22:230:22:27

ALL: Aaarrgghh!

0:22:290:22:32

-Dani, something's happened to Max.

-Bitten?

-Did the vampire get him?

0:22:360:22:40

-Vampire?

-You don't believe in vampires.

0:22:400:22:44

I still don't want some leathery thing flapping in my face.

0:22:440:22:49

Listen, Max, there's no easy way of saying this.

0:22:490:22:53

-My dance teacher's a vampire.

-SCREAMS

0:22:530:22:58

Ever since the kittens turned up, he's become all weird and nice.

0:22:580:23:03

-The old Max would catch a vampire.

-I'm not going out there.

0:23:030:23:07

EVERYONE: Aarrgghh!

0:23:090:23:12

-Did he follow us?

-I don't think so.

0:23:210:23:25

We can trap it under a big glass, slide paper underneath.

0:23:270:23:31

It's not a spider.

0:23:310:23:34

Use this.

0:23:340:23:36

Do your thing, Buffy.

0:23:360:23:38

-Yes! I got it!

-Now what do we do with it?

0:23:570:24:02

DING DONG EVERYONE: Aarrgghh!

0:24:020:24:04

Maybe Mumsy and Dadsy forgot their keys.

0:24:040:24:08

Mumsy and Dadsy?

0:24:080:24:10

CREAK

0:24:180:24:21

-EVERYONE: Aaarrrggghhh!

-Don't bite me.

0:24:210:24:24

-Bite Ben. He tastes like Gummy Bears.

-That's more like Max!

0:24:240:24:28

I believe I left my hat here.

0:24:280:24:31

-What have we got under the hat?

-It must be vampire trickery.

0:24:330:24:38

Or it could be a bat, like I've said all along.

0:24:380:24:41

-Apart from when you were screaming!

-You all right, Dani?

-No.

0:24:410:24:46

I'm really itchy.

0:24:460:24:48

Dani!

0:24:480:24:50

You've got it!

0:24:500:24:52

-That is the dance!

-You mean it?

-Do that tomorrow night!

0:24:520:24:57

The audience will love you! I must tell the producers.

0:24:570:25:01

-You're not cross with me any more?

-Maybe I was a little hasty.

0:25:010:25:06

Ah.

0:25:080:25:10

Ooh! What is it?

0:25:120:25:15

What is moving in my hat?

0:25:150:25:17

There was a bat...in my hat.

0:25:200:25:22

-Is this meant to be funny?

-No.

0:25:220:25:25

I shall tell all of Theatreland of your unprofessionalism.

0:25:270:25:32

You will never dance in this town again!

0:25:340:25:37

-MIAOW

-What is that?

0:25:410:25:44

-What's on my face?

-The kitten chucked up a hairball.

0:25:440:25:48

Get away from me!

0:25:500:25:52

Get these disgusting things as far away as possible!

0:25:520:25:56

I don't want to look after them.

0:25:560:25:59

Yes. He's back.

0:25:590:26:01

By the way, what did you do with that box of vampire kittens?

0:26:050:26:10

I left them on the doorstep, just like you asked.

0:26:100:26:14

BOTH: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

0:26:140:26:18

There'll be other chances.

0:26:190:26:22

It's a good job I value you more than seeing my name in lights.

0:26:220:26:27

Jack, you still planning to make your name as a vampire hunter?

0:26:270:26:31

Stuff the legacy. It's about the here and...

0:26:310:26:35

-Ow!

-Don't you mean "here and now"?

0:26:350:26:38

This kitten's biting my neck! Ow!

0:26:380:26:41

So another fine show comes to a close.

0:26:530:26:56

-If only Dani's House could go on for ever.

-We'd never leave the ship.

0:26:560:27:02

When would we find time to work out and enjoy a good book?

0:27:020:27:07

When do we ever do that? All we do is sit watching Earth television.

0:27:070:27:12

Have you considered that we might be wasting our lives

0:27:120:27:17

by doing nothing but watch TV?

0:27:170:27:20

BOTH LAUGH

0:27:210:27:25

That was a good one!

0:27:250:27:28

Anyone for chocolate carrots?

0:27:340:27:37

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:410:27:47

# Let's lift these chains Let's rock this wave

0:27:470:27:50

# Right out to sea... #

0:27:500:27:54

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:540:27:57

# ..I will be breaking free. #

0:27:570:28:00

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