Halloween Special - Lady and the Vamp Dani's House

-Stop fidgetting.

-I'm excited. This is the first time I've been painted.

-Right. Finished.

-Ooh. Can I see it?

Like it?

-Like it? You've painted me with buttocks for a face!

-Have I?

Oh, yeah. It's a bit silly.

-We can't send this home. I'll be a laughing stock.

-Don't panic.

I can fix it.

How's that?

Perfect.

Oh! Dani's House is on.

My name's Dani. This is my fantastic...

-Best friend, Jack.

-Where was I?

I'm your best friend too, Sam.

This is my fantastically...

-Max!

-I'm her brother and... Ben?

Oh! It's our show!

Can you zip it?

My name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

I give up.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

Oh! Hey, guys. I finally landed a part in a West End show!

I Want A Pony, the musical.

I get to act and sing, but the bad news is I have to dance.

Easier said than done with two left feet.

Two days to learn the routine or I'm out of the show.

-I've had it with that school!

-Excuse me one moment.

-What's happened?

-They threw Max out the chess club.

-I never knew you were in chess club.

-Chess focuses the mind, Dani.

-But those tyrants changed the rules.

-Cheating is no longer allowed.

-Was it ever allowed?

-If you didn't get caught.

Nobody humiliates the Max meister.

Make sure he doesn't break anything.

CRASH

Hope that wasn't something fun.

Max, I'm coming upstairs.

DOOR BELL

Hey, guys. Come on through.

-We're off to the cinema.

-We're seeing that vampire film, It Sucks.

-Then why are you going?

-It's called It Sucks.

-And we're getting a pizza.

A seafood Italiano! They stuff the crust with octopus ink and plankton.

-As appetising as it sounds, I've got a dance lesson.

-How's it going?

I know what to do in theory, but in practice...

That happens. Ow.

Who wants to be in a stupid chess club anyway?

There are other clubs. Astronomy club, ballet club.

-I'm a member of the vegetable club.

-What do they do?

We had a talk on the history of the potato,

and they taught me how to turn a marrow into a crude trumpet.

SPLURTS TUNELESSLY

-Yes. That is crude.

-Vegetable music is in its infancy.

Whatever that means.

I must get my revenge on those chess-playing whelks.

A couple of years and you'll be making your Oscar acceptance speech.

-You'll be picking up the Nobel Prize for science.

-I'll be a top club DJ.

BEATBOXES

You can't be a DJ for ever, Jack.

I'll rock the party when I'm 104. Music can't be stopped by old age.

-But your audience might be.

-You'll see!

Jack will live on for eternity.

What a striking statue!

-He must have been very important.

-What does it say?

-"Unknown"?

-What's a DJ?

-What?

-Whatever DJs were, they're long forgotten.

Let's go to the cinema, High School Musical 113!

Zac Efron hasn't been the same since his hip replacement.

Come back. I'm Jack. Please remember me. Please!

Oh, man!

I have to find something else to do. I can't be forgotten.

We'll always remember you.

-Thingey.

-That's not funny.

You'd better shoot. My dance teacher will be here any minute.

He's a bit eccentric. Only holds lessons after dark.

CREAK

Ha ha ha ha ha! THUNDER CLAPS

ALL: Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhh!

I'm Vladimir Drusilla, your dance teacher.

CLAP OF THUNDER

- My friends call me Vlad. - You have friends?

You have friends! Good-looking guy with a great taste in canes!

-And we'd best be off. Laters.

-See you in a few hours.

CREAK

-So, I am told you are cursed with two left feet.

-I try my best.

A great philosopher once said, "Do or do not.

"There is no try."

Wasn't that Yoda from Star Wars?

With me as your teacher, you will become the greatest dancer ever.

Together we will dance until your feet fall off.

That won't be very helpful.

Enough prattle!

It is time to begin the dancing!

So dance!

How best to get my revenge on that simpering chess club?

Exploding pawns?

Scratch that. Too complex.

Scratch? Itch?

-Ben, I've got it.

-What have you got, Max?

-I've got fleas.

-Oh, dear.

Stop! Stop!

It is like watching stray cat fighting with pigeon.

-Where is your rhythm, your poise?

-Same place as your manners!

To dance, you must embrace both the light and the shadows.

# Ba-da ba ba

# Da-da-da-da-da-da da da #

I learned to dance as a boy around campfire,

when trousers caught alight.

You will dance like your trousers are ablaze!

-If I have to.

-Go. Your legs are burning!

Go! Hear the symphony of the night!

Yes! Yes! Yes!

No.

Syphonapta scratchitis.

Also known as the South American mega flea.

The most powerful breed of flea known to man.

-Flea-mungous!

-I was waiting to unleash them on Dani.

Instead, I shall use them to enact my revenge on the chess club.

-What will you do?

-Release them into the ventilation system.

And infest those chess-playing chimps.

Check and mate.

-Never have I seen such terrible dancing.

-Maybe I can't do it.

Everybody can dance, child.

-Hey, guys. How was the movie?

-Over Jack's screaming, sounded great.

I was clearing my throat. COUGHS

Don't act like you weren't scared.

The difference? I can tell what's real.

VLAD: I will return tomorrow.

Do not let the bugs bite.

JACK: Laters.

What have you been eating? Your breath is ghastly.

Seafood pizza and garlic bread. Garlic?

-DOOR SLAMS

-He's a bit intense.

-As long as he gets me dancing, I do not care.

-What else might he be?

Weird cane, pale skin, doesn't like garlic.

Your dance teacher's a vampire! GASP

LAUGH

-What was I saying about fantasy and reality?

-Vampires aren't real, Jack.

Next you'll say the Easter bunny isn't real.

One more matter to discuss

before we end this meeting of the council of myths and legends.

-Easter Bunny.

-That's my name.

Myself, Mother Earth and Jack Frost, we've been thinking and...

-We just don't get you.

-What do you mean?

You're a giant rabbit who leaves chocolate eggs.

-It's just a bit random.

-I'm random? What about the tooth fairy?

The tooth fairy provides a worthwhile service.

So do I. Who doesn't love chocolate eggs?

We were thinking, it might make more sense if you delivered carrots.

-Who'll look forward to Easter if they get carrots?

-Just saying.

It's like Percy the pancake penguin.

Pancake Day was great till you got rid of him.

-He'd vomit pancake mix through letter boxes!

-OK.

How about I leave...

chocolate carrots?

All in favour?

Vampire myths are all tied to eastern European folk tales.

-Vampires as dance teachers?

-Dance teachers who hold lessons at night?

Creatures who disintegrate in sunlight, drink blood

and are only killed by a stake through the heart can't exist.

We'll go over Operation Flea Bite when you stay tomorrow.

-Am I coming to stay? Wicked!

-What are you up to?

Revenge, Dani. I don't expect your feeble brain to understand.

DING DONG

-The postman's been.

-It's eight o'clock at night.

-AS VLAD:

-Maybe it wasn't from postman.

"Please take good care."

Puppies!

-Kittens, Ben.

-Kittens!

-They're so cute!

-JACK: Hello kitty witty.

People become irrational around small furry things.

-Wonder who left them.

-It's up to us to give them a home.

-Hang on.

-I

-found them...

You'd just be mean to them.

The well-being of these animals is foremost in my mind.

Come along, kittens. Come with Daddy.

Help him with his most diabolical scheme yet!

-I've got a bad feeling about this.

-So do I.

You'll be remembered for your part in the destruction of chess club.

You're going to need names.

I've got it!

I shall call you...

Killer!

Smasher!

Shredder!

Punch Monkey!

And Bogey Bum!

THUNDER CLAPS

A-ha-ha-ha!

A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

A-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Good film...

-PHONE RINGS

Hello?

Hey, guys. Mum and Dad said Max can keep the kittens.

I've only got today and tonight to learn the dance routines.

-Or I'm for the chop.

-DING DONG

I've decided to become a famous vampire slayer!

Like Buffy or Abraham van Helsing.

-Arch enemy of Dracula!

-Dracula, the vampire who didn't exist?

My deeds shall become legends, my name echoing throughout the ages.

DJ Jack Von Helsing Von Buffy McBlane.

-Vampire slayer.

-You're not going to slay anyone.

Especially not my dance teacher.

That was Jack's mum on the phone. He left babbling on about slaying...

-You've got to be kidding me.

-Look good in leather, don't I?

Max, I'm here!

Ben, I've just been feeding the babies some special cat milk.

-What do you think?

-You don't want to know what I'm thinking.

I can feed them like a proper mummy cat.

Miaow!

-I never knew you were such an animal lover.

-Me? Pah!

Killer, Smasher, Shredder, Punch Monkey and Bogey Bum need their strength.

I'm going to infest them with fleas then leave them outside chess club.

What happened to the ventilation system?

You saw how people react to kittens.

Those chess club squibs will do the same. Then, bam!

They'll be scratching like mad.

Prepare to be infested, felines.

GENTLE MEWING

-What's wrong?

-I don't think I can do it.

Why not?

I look the kittens in the eye and something snaps inside me.

Ben, I think...

I'm becoming nice.

Right, I've got my garlic, my holy water pistol.

-Where did you get this stuff?

-Same place as this.

Vampire Hunting For Dummies?

You can't slay people because you think they're a vampire.

Or shoot someone with a silver bullet cos they've got a mono-brow!

You're jealous cos I look so cool.

It's not a bad idea if you're here when my teacher comes.

Vampire or not, he's still a bit... Emo.

We'll stay. It's what friends are for.

Just keep hidden. Vlad can't know you're here.

Last night, I dreamed I gave Dani a birthday present.

Not a joke one. A proper birthday present.

What a nightmare, Max.

The kittens have been sucking the badness out of me.

I thought it was milk.

It's like my head is full of buttercups.

And...pixie music!

Perhaps we should play Planet Of The Chainsaws.

It might bring you to your senses.

I'm not playing those nasty violent games any more.

BOTH: Aaargh!

Humans act strangely around young of other species.

-It's not doing anything for me.

-Indeed. It's making me feel ill.

The most hideous creatures I've seen.

Switch it off before it can weave its hypnotic spell.

Oh. Actually...

-Now that I look in its big soppy eyes...

-Don't fall for it.

That's what the beast wants.

-Can we get a kitten, coordinator? Please?

-Certainly not.

Have you seen what kittens grow into?

-You're ready for a lesson?

-Never been readier.

This is your final chance to learn the dance.

Nothing's going to mess this up.

TUMMY RUMBLES

Excuse the rumblings. I haven't had a bite all day.

That's my cue!

Glug on this, fang-face!

Jack!

What? What are you doing, boy? I'm dripping!

What part of "stay hidden" didn't you understand?

He hasn't had a bite all day. Why did you squirt me?

-The water isn't burning?

-Of course it's not burning him.

Yeah, um... The reason I squirted you was because...

It's, er...April Fool's Day!

-It's not April Fool's Day.

-It is, somewhere in the world.

-No it isn't, Jack.

-All right, truth is...

I thought you were a...vampire.

Hilarious...

I shall tell the producers you're not serious about being in the show.

I am. I'm sorry. I'll learn the moves, I promise.

You have humiliated me. You have made me all...

watery, and you're going to regret it.

Wait. No. It wasn't...

Dani, I'm so sorry.

Have you any idea how long I've been dreaming about being in that show?

Oh, I wish I had a real pony,

rather than this dusty old toy.

-NEIGHING

-Who are you?

NEIGHS

I am the Pony King!

I appeared when you stroked your magic pony, where I've been trapped for eons.

Wow! Are you going to grant me three wishes, Pony King?

-Why would you assume that?

-Because of the whole genie thing.

I'm the Pony King, not a genie.

You appeared like a genie.

Hello? Do genies live in toy ponies?

Uh-uh. I don't think so.

What kind of half-witted dumb imbecile...?

-Let me out! Let me out!

-When, oh when, will I get my pony?

# Oh, when will I get my pony?

# Oh, where is my pon... #

-I was trying to help.

-Trying to help yourself become a vampire hunter.

It's all about you and your stupid legacy.

-I don't want Dani to be attacked by a vampire.

-Just go home, Jack.

ALL: Aarrgghh!

-It's a bat!

-I told you he's a vampire!

Do you still believe he isn't a vampire?

OK. I believe you.

My dance teacher's a vampire. He bit me on the nose. Peachy(!)

-Look on the bright side. He didn't bite you on the...

-Shut up, Jack!

The dark is nothing to be frightened of.

There aren't monsters in the dark.

-Probably.

-It's OK, Max.

-I'm here for you.

-I'm scared, Ben. I'm never usually scared.

The dark is usually frightened of me.

I'm frightened I'll never get the old Max back.

Max, are you holding my hand?

Maybe a little.

CLAP OF THUNDER

There are 16 species of bat in Britain. None suck blood.

-But it bit me on my nose.

-Are you sure it bit you?

-I've got vampir-itis!

-Or rabies, and that's not very likely.

Keep an eye on her. She could change at any time.

I can't become a vampire. I look terrible in black.

We have to kill the vampire that bit you to stop the bloodline!

ALL: Aarrgghh!

Thank goodness. The power's back.

Now you, me and the kittens

can watch this DVD of nature's 100 prettiest rainbows.

Max, let's do something fun, plan something terrible for Dani.

I have responsibilities now.

What would the kittens think?

To catch a vampire, you need to think like a vampire.

Wait long enough and that won't be a problem for me.

Eternal life must be exciting. What an opportunity!

So, what shall we do tonight?

-Find someone to bite.

-That's what we do every night.

-So? We're vampires!

-Fine. We'll bite someone. I'll brush my teeth.

Anyone for chocolate carrots?

No? My mistake.

Here, vampy vampy vampy!

Here, boy. WHISTLES

-Ssh! What are you doing?

-Trying to lure him out of hiding.

ALL: Aaarrgghh!

-Dani, something's happened to Max.

-Bitten?

-Did the vampire get him?

-Vampire?

-You don't believe in vampires.

I still don't want some leathery thing flapping in my face.

Listen, Max, there's no easy way of saying this.

-My dance teacher's a vampire.

-SCREAMS

Ever since the kittens turned up, he's become all weird and nice.

-The old Max would catch a vampire.

-I'm not going out there.

EVERYONE: Aarrgghh!

-Did he follow us?

-I don't think so.

We can trap it under a big glass, slide paper underneath.

It's not a spider.

Use this.

Do your thing, Buffy.

-Yes! I got it!

-Now what do we do with it?

DING DONG EVERYONE: Aarrgghh!

Maybe Mumsy and Dadsy forgot their keys.

Mumsy and Dadsy?

CREAK

-EVERYONE: Aaarrrggghhh!

-Don't bite me.

-Bite Ben. He tastes like Gummy Bears.

-That's more like Max!

I believe I left my hat here.

-What have we got under the hat?

-It must be vampire trickery.

Or it could be a bat, like I've said all along.

-Apart from when you were screaming!

-You all right, Dani?

-No.

I'm really itchy.

Dani!

You've got it!

-That is the dance!

-You mean it?

-Do that tomorrow night!

The audience will love you! I must tell the producers.

-You're not cross with me any more?

-Maybe I was a little hasty.

Ah.

Ooh! What is it?

What is moving in my hat?

There was a bat...in my hat.

-Is this meant to be funny?

-No.

I shall tell all of Theatreland of your unprofessionalism.

You will never dance in this town again!

-MIAOW

-What is that?

-What's on my face?

-The kitten chucked up a hairball.

Get away from me!

Get these disgusting things as far away as possible!

I don't want to look after them.

Yes. He's back.

By the way, what did you do with that box of vampire kittens?

I left them on the doorstep, just like you asked.

BOTH: Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

There'll be other chances.

It's a good job I value you more than seeing my name in lights.

Jack, you still planning to make your name as a vampire hunter?

Stuff the legacy. It's about the here and...

-Ow!

-Don't you mean "here and now"?

This kitten's biting my neck! Ow!

So another fine show comes to a close.

-If only Dani's House could go on for ever.

-We'd never leave the ship.

When would we find time to work out and enjoy a good book?

When do we ever do that? All we do is sit watching Earth television.

Have you considered that we might be wasting our lives

by doing nothing but watch TV?

BOTH LAUGH

That was a good one!

Anyone for chocolate carrots?

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains Let's rock this wave

# Right out to sea... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

# ..I will be breaking free. #