Axolotl Dani's House

FEEDBACK What are you doing?

-Setting up for our karaoke party.

-What karaoke party?

Testing! Testing!

Karaoke parties have no place on our mission.

Only because you sing like a dying walrus. Hello?

We are not doing karaoke. CLUCKS LIKE A CHICKEN

-Making clucking noises won't...

-Brrr! Brr brr brr brr brr!

Right, give me the microphone.

MUSIC STARTS

WAILS LIKE A DYING WALRUS

Now what do you have to say for yourself?

Pardon?

My name's Dani. This is my fantastic...

-Best friend, Jack.

-Where was I?

I'm your best friend too, Sam.

This is my fantastically...

-Max!

-I'm her brother and... Ben?

Oh! It's our show!

Can you zip it?

My name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

I give up.

ALL TALK AT ONCE

The bass on these could crack your fillings!

-I want a decent speaker system, not dental work.

-Dusty!

-It's been a while since you played a gig.

-I've got some coming up.

You know that new club?

I'm DJing at a 4th birthday party next door. It's a job.

Guess who's got a meeting with Guy Flannel, the best talent spotter in the music industry?

He wants to discuss a deal! He'll be here any minute.

CLAP OF THUNDER Let's hope he has a car.

-DOOR BELL

-That's him! Don't panic!

Stay calm and don't do any panicking!

Someone's a teensy bit excited.

-Better luck next time.

-Fine. It'll be for me.

Always being wrong must wear you down.

-No wonder you look rough.

-I've got an important guest, wormoid.

-You're not to mess it up.

-Brothers and sisters are natural enemies, like cats and dogs.

Sharks and seals. Wasps and rolled-up newspapers.

Try it and find out what a newspaper can do!

Ben and I have a gaming marathon. Isn't that right, Ben?

Yes, Max. Whatever, Max.

-Ben, are you OK?

-I'm fine.

SOBS

I'm glad you're fine. Let's play some games. What?

-Now, Ben. What's wrong?

-My axolotl died.

-Your what died?

-My axolotl, Aristotle.

-Your axo-what now?

-Aristotle, my pet axolotl.

-Your pet axo-whatum?

-Your pet axolotl?

-Aristotle.

-Died?

-Aristotle, my pet axolotl.

Has expired. Stiffed. Kicked the bucket. Gone to meet his maker.

Snuffed it. Cashed in. Done his last lap of the fish tank.

Ben, is an axolotl something you made up, you know, in your mind?

Axolotls are a type of salamander. They're amphibians.

I had Aristotle since he was a baby.

Now look at him!

-Oh!

-You brought it in a bag?

-I didn't know what to do.

Flushed it down the toilet?

I don't think it's hygienic carrying a dead amphibian around.

Eugh!

You squashed my axolotl!

DOOR BELL

That's him. That's Guy.

I'm Guy Flannel.

You've got it? I'll spot it.

Wow! It's actually you.

Yeah. I get the same feeling when I look at myself in the mirror.

Fluff fluffity fluff fluff.

Grand Theft Otter! Moronic the Hedgehog? Spoon Raider?

-I'm too fragile for games, Max.

-We've been planning this for weeks.

I never planned on finding him floating in his tank.

-I never knew you had a pet.

-You never come round my house.

-Your parents don't like me.

-You conned my dad into buying a car made out of papier-mache.

The car washed away and he ended up laying in the middle of the road.

I need to talk about my feelings. SIGHS

Can I get you anything? Coffee?

Lemonade? Biscuits?

Sandwich?

Bowl of fruit?

Toothpaste?

Slippers? Coconut?

-I was just...

-Oh, I'll plump your cushions.

-I just want Dani.

-I am Dani.

You're Dani?

I am she. Hi. Hello.

There's been a mistake.

-I was looking for the Z-factor.

-What happened to the X-factor?

The X-factor? I want someone who goes all the way to Z.

-I thought you liked my demo.

-You've got a great voice and good songs.

No-one's going to buy a book if there's sick over the cover.

-You're comparing me to vomit?

-Fluff fluffity fluff fluff.

-Why do you do that?

-Music's all about the chest hair, kid.

-I've never lost someone close.

-Yeah. Gutted.

I used to love watching him eat his worms.

Poor sweet Aristotle.

What do you think killed him?

Maybe he died of boredom. On with the games.

-Max, please.

-I don't know how to make you feel better.

I don't want you to do anything. I just want to stop being sad.

Wait here.

Get back, you beast! SQUEAKING

I need an axolotl.

-Sorry, sir. I ate the last axolotl this morning.

-You ate it?

Sold! Sold the last axolotl! I always get those two mixed up.

-We've got a jellyfish.

-I don't think so.

Finger snail.

Money spider.

Spider monkey?

No? Wood pigeon.

-Butterflies.

-That's disgusting.

Bees. Bee-keeping's very popular.

Ah, look at the cute bee!

And all the other little bees.

They're swarming!

BUZZING

-What ARE you looking for?

-I'll know when I see it.

-Sam, what happened?

-My umbrella blew away.

It's bucketing out there.

CRASH

You're soaked. Come in and dry your hair.

Wo! Busy with the frizzy!

-You're it.

-I'm what?

-It. The thing I've been looking for.

-I don't like being called a thing.

-You're perfect.

-I am? Dani, who is this?

-Meet Guy Funnel.

-You've got that retro goth fusion thing going on.

I love it! We'd better get you behind a microphone!

Thingey! Dani ding-dong.

-Come and help us.

-Thanks(!) This was only supposed to be MY moment.

-I got you something.

-Is it a pony?

# Ta-da! # It's a new axolotl.

You can call him Aristotle 2.0.

I don't want a new axolotl.

I want my old one back.

SIGHS

Let's see what it says in here about grieving.

There are five stages you go through when somebody close dies. Denial.

-I'm probably all right.

-Anger.

-Stop telling me what I'm feeling.

-Bargaining.

-Why couldn't it have been me?

-Depression.

-I'm so fed up.

-And finally, acceptance.

-I'll be fine.

It's no good. I'm feeling all of them at the same time.

I'm out of ideas.

-I know. I'll make you a milkshake.

-With chocolate sprinkles?

-OK.

-And little marshmallows?

-Absolutely.

And a flag with Aristotle's face in a magic glass that plays his favourite song?

WAILS TUNELESSLY

That's enough!

# Ooh! Ooh! #

My dog's backside is more in tune than you.

-And he's not a well dog.

-I told you I couldn't sing.

-Too bad you can't merge together.

-We're not amoebas!

Amoebas don't merge. They split by mitosis. It's very interesting.

Trust me. It isn't.

When I'm mixing, I match the beats of one track with another.

That's brilliant! It is?

We'll mix them together. Dani can still sing.

-We'll tell everyone it's Sam.

-That doesn't sound very fair.

You want people to hear your songs?

I don't want to step on Dani's toes. I've got my studies to think of.

This is your chance to become a megastar. It's here. It's now!

If you don't grab it, it'll be gone! Puff puff! Where'd it go?

Sam let it go! Puff! Gone!

Dani, what shall I do?

-If it's the only way people get to hear my songs.

-Fantastico.

Magnifico!

I'm going to make some calls.

Why do so many humans seek to be famous?

Who wouldn't want to be worshipped by strangers?

-There must be down sides.

-The lack of privacy.

-What is that?

-Dani's rubbish bin.

Oh, look! Dani's old hairbrush!

Mm. Tasty.

Just because somebody's famous

does not give us the right to go through their stuff.

Goodness! I didn't know Dani was into that!

W-what is it?

-I didn't think you were interested.

-I'm not. I'm not.

-Please let me see.

-No.

I must know everything about her. Show me!

Another down side to fame. Obsessive fans.

I want people to hear my songs. Who cares who they think's singing?

-You were never in it for the fame.

-I've got a list of questions here.

-A major music website wants to do a profile on you.

-On us both?

Just you.

-Just her?

-My boss is coming from the record company.

If we can impress Maddison Millions

we're on the way to megastar central!

-What have you done with your look?

-I looked a mess.

You can't change without my permission. Stand in the rain.

Haven't you got to write some songs?

A song called Mr Bossy Gorilla Chest Needs A Kick In The Ribs.

Get on with it, then. Chop chop.

Gary! Guy! Yeah. How's that leg?

All right, Max? Do you want a biccie bic?

All I want is Ben back to normal. He's fed up cos his pet died.

-That'll do it.

-Ruining Dani's day or conquering the world, I can handle.

-This is beyond me.

-My gran died last year.

-Did you carry her around in a bag?

-No. Just had a funeral.

Gave everyone a chance to say goodbye. You don't say sad for ever.

Maybe I could speed up Ben's grieving with the biggest amphibian funeral this world has seen.

Result!

MIAOWING

What was that?

GROWLING

Cat from hell!

Nice kitty. Good kitty.

Nice kitty cat.

N-no-no.

GROWLING

Ah! Argh!

MIAOWING

OK, first question. When did you want to become a pop star?

-About ten minutes ago.

-We'll say you were singing before you could walk.

-I was doing mathematical equations before I could walk.

-Yeah.

That makes you seem as cool as a jalapeno in a hot tub.

-That's who I am.

-Remember what I told you.

To become a star you must behave like a star.

How's it going?

You missed Sam saying her favourite colour was uranium.

-Cat from hell?

-Oh, yes.

Sam, you look amazing.

-Really?

-Yeah, but loosen up a bit.

Show the world what a star you are.

No-one's ever said anything like that to me.

-Right, next question. Who is your role model?

-Oh!

-Alan Nilley.

-You mean Lily Allen?

Her too.

-You look smart, Max. Have you become a hitman?

-Put this on.

-Have I become a hitman too?

-Just get changed.

Whatever you say.

The man from the music website sent me a text.

-They love the demo!

-Really?

-Which track was their favourite?

-Entourage!

You're in Sam's eye line. Get back! Stay! Bad dogs!

-They want to know where you get the influence for your lyrics.

-Oh. Say it comes from the heart.

-Are you going to let her do this?

-What choice do I have?

This was your dream. They're stealing it.

There she is!

You said I was going to be a big star!

-Everybody's got to start somewhere. Star-o-gram!

-It's embarrassing.

Make a success out of this and we'll get you a planet costume.

Mars? Venus? Uran...

Don't go there! I want to be a famous actress and singer.

Famous asteroid singer? We could do that.

-Eoghan, bring the asteroid costume!

-Actress and singer!

-Why would I want to be an asteroid?

-Beats me.

Eoghan does it all the time. How you doing, Eoghan?

Best gig ever!

KNOCK ON DOOR

There's a ton of strangers dressed in black. Are you having a funeral for Ben's axo...thing?

Dani, I think for once in my life I'm actually doing something...kind.

-I'm as weirded out as you are.

-Just don't break the house.

-Guy's planned my first world tour.

-You'll meet loads of celebs.

Britney Spears. Chris Martin. Iggle Piggle. Alan Nilley.

I might meet Professor Brian Cox.

-He's so dreamy.

-You keep a picture of him?

I love hearing Brian talk about his Large Hadron Collider.

Are you going a bit too far with this megastar thing?

I'm doing this for Dani as much as anyone else.

Dani, Guy's planned my first world tour.

-OUR world tour.

-We've got your CD. We don't need you.

-What?

-Guy says your voice is like an instrument.

-Once you've been sampled, we won't need you in future.

-What?

I've got to get ready for the meeting with the record label.

Someone's close to being thrown out in the rain.

Someone's got a case of diva-itis!

Miss Diva? I brought the sandwiches you asked for.

-There's a bit of crust on this one. Do you want me to choke?

-No.

-SNIFFS

-The air's stale. Replace it.

You want me to replace the air?

Fetch some air from somewhere clean and nice. The Alps, maybe.

You want me to go to the Alps, get some air and bring it back here?

And get a new brain. Yours seems to be running a bit slow.

I'm beautiful, talented AND funny!

SHE GIGGLES

Laugh. Laugh, I say!

Ha.

I thought we should give your axolotl a proper send-off.

You did all this for Aristotle?

-I did it for you.

-This is the kindest thing you've ever done.

Being nice isn't as horrible as I thought it would be.

It just feels so...clean.

DOOR BELL

-Take a seat.

-Where shall I take it?

-Just sit down.

HELICOPTER WHIRRS Where's Guy Flannel?

-And you are?

-Maddison Millions. My card.

This is a dry-cleaning ticket.

Miss Millions. Funeral, Guy?

Hope I'm not too late to meet this new star of yours.

Very funny!

No, she's very much alive.

I'm Max. If I could give you my...

Never mind. Now's not the time.

GUY: She's through here.

I'll be back to normal for next week.

I need water! Thingey, get me some water.

Fetch your own water! I'm a DJ, not a...aqueduct.

You're the same Sam you were this morning.

To be a star, I need to show that I'm more important than normal people.

Being famous won't make you more important.

People never used to look beyond the glasses or science books.

There's more to Sam than being a science geek.

This is my chance to shine like a cluster of hydrogen atoms fusing around a thermonuclear core.

This is Maddison Millions.

-She just loves your demo.

-Sam, you're gonna be huge.

-I deserve to be.

-You've already got the big head.

-You wrote all the songs?

-All my own work.

She's taking credit for your songs!

Sing for me. I see you have the microphone set up.

Let me just check with the sound engineers, see if that's possible.

I need your CD.

-Whoops!

-What did you do that for?

-You're going to have to sing.

-No. I'm sick of her taking the credit.

You go, sister!

-We get through this we'll split everything 30-70.

-50-50.

35-65. 20-80. 42-58.

-40-60.

-24-7. 7-11.

Deal!

-What did you agree to?

-I got caught up in the moment.

-Never mind.

I know what to do.

Slight technical hitch but we're good to go.

PHONE RINGS

Excuse us.

-I don't know the words!

-Open and close your mouth like a fish!

You know what a fish does.

We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of Aristotle,

the axolotl.

I can't claim I knew Aristotle,

but Ben tells me he was as kind and gentle as amphibians get.

MUSIC PLAYS

# The storm's approaching fast

# I feel the heat hang in the air

# My premonition played this out to the full

# The clouds are black and the rain must fall, yeah

# I wish that lighting would strike... #

Aristotle was a kind and...

Oh! Aristotle was a kind...

Ben, where are you going?

You'll get your money!

# ..Still I will hold my breath for a moment

# Ooh! Miss Millions has really bad hair

# And her feet smell like cheese

# Ooh, yeah, Miss Millions You're so boring, you are... #

-Enough now, Sam.

-# You smell really bad...! #

You can stop singing now, Sam.

-# ..Ugly and you have a head... #

-Shut up!

# ..Like a fish! #

I've had enough.

-You're ruining everything.

-At least I'm not ruining our friendship.

Is that what I've been doing?

Are you telling me that Sam wasn't singing? This girl has the talent?

I can explain everything.

I can't be bothered.

Here's my card.

-You've got a great voice. Call me.

-You're serious?

-I'm always serious.

Idiot!

Fluff fluff!

Dani, I'm sorry. I don't know what came over me.

I turned into a monster. I don't think fame agrees with me.

It could happen to anyone. You just weren't ready.

I'm leaving fame to the people who deserve it and turning my attention back to science.

Professor Brian Cox.

-What did I do wrong?

-Nothing.

-Why are you still upset?

Everything reminds me of Aristotle.

-I thought a funeral would help you.

-It's not like flicking a switch.

Sorry I ruined your gaming marathon.

-I don't care about the games. I just want my friend back.

-So do I.

Why don't we put Aristotle in the wheelie bin? Just the two of us.

Max, that would be beautiful.

Sooner or later, someone will come along with the perfect combination of talent mindless puppet.

Black suit. Sullen mindless expression.

I think I've just found my next star!

Dude! Have you considered being famous?

No. I'm emotionally vulnerable if you want to make me an offer.

I'm Max. Ben's manager. Shall we talk?

It's a dead axolotl.

Nice gimmick!

Walk with me.

Tell me about this axolotl. He was called Aristotle.

Dani, what are you waiting for?

-Call Maddison Millions.

-She might give you a go in her helicopter.

-Dani, dial the number.

-I can't.

-Nervous?

-This is a used train ticket.

Miss Millions! Come back! Stop that helicopter!

When we return home there is every possibility that we will be famous.

Do you think so?

We shall be hailed heroes for our work studying human culture.

-Well, there is just one problem.

-What's that?

Since being out here, I've, well...been snacking.

Rather a lot.

And I'd hate for my adoring fans back home

to think I wasn't in tip-top condition.

It's easily solved, coordinator.

Look at what you've done!

Oops.

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains Let's rock these waves

# Right out to sea... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

# ..I will be breaking free. #