Abracadisco Dani's House

Calling to Zark, this place is a mess.

-As the humans would say, "It is time for a spring clean."

-Good idea!

-That's the springs clean.

-When was the last time we tidied up in here?

Exactly seven sarzons ago, to the day.

Ah, yes, I remember. You threw the junk out of the hatch up there.

-And do you know how long one full revolution of our galaxy takes?

-No.

Exactly seven sarzons.

Ah.

CRASH AND BANGS

Ah, I was wondering where this went.

It's so tiny, what is it?

I picked it up years ago on one of the moons of Bot.

It's a little big noise.

What's a little big noise?

I'll show you.

LOUD HORN

How sweet. What a marvellous way

to start another fine episode of Dani's House.

PARDON?!

Hi, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

Best friend Jack!

Yeah, but...oh, where was I?!

Your name's Dani and I'm your best friend too, Sam.

As I was saying, this is my fantastic new...Max!

I'm her brother and, actually, it's Ben.

What? Oh, it's our show!

Can you just dip it!

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

-What did I tell you?

-Ooh!

I give up!

THEY SHOUT

Oh, hi! Been told to have a clean out. This house is full of junk.

None of it mine, of course.

I mean, look at this.

I don't even know what it is!

Jack, you're meant to play them, not wear them.

I take it the children's party didn't go too well, then?

Kids today! No appreciation for the art of the DJ.

They didn't even know what a BPM is.

-A BPM?

-Big Pants Monkey?

Beats Per Minute!

It was just a joke, no need to bite my head off.

Sorry. I'm just fed up of them kids.

They should have been throwing shapes on the dance floor,

not crisps and jelly.

Don't be down. DJ-ing for five-year-olds is a tricky one.

I just need something to get their...

Attention?

Wow! A nine volt sub musical sub pump, cool!

A what?

No, that's for charity.

-Fig biscuits?

-No, they're for the bin, I found them under Max's bed.

Jack! They're best before the end of March.

-So?

-2003!

Best before, not too bad after.

He's sick.

-So, I just need something to keep their...

-Attention.

Yep, that's it.

Aren't you going to offer me one?

Mmm, they're vintage. Best before March 2003.

That's disgusting.

How do I keep the attention of a bunch of five-year-olds?

-Do some impressions.

-Mmm!

-What's that?

-Jack in the box!

-Do some magic!

-Magic?

Kids love magic.

-I can do magic.

-You can?

-You know those fig rolls I've just eaten?

-Yeah.

I'm about to make them reappear.

Excuse me.

-Haven't you heard of knocking?

-Nope.

-That's my stuff!

-Your junk. We're having a spring clean.

I came in yesterday and sorted out some of it, but you can do the rest.

-You came into my bedroom?

-Yes.

-Without asking?

-Yes.

-To throw away my stuff?

-Yes.

-And...

-Listen, no matter how many times you ask me

or whatever you ask me, the answer is always yes.

-Can I have my "junk" back?

-No.

-Junk.

-No way, get out, you have no right to disrespect me like that.

I'm not a five-year-old.

Well, that's debatable.

Fine, if you're gonna treat me like a five-year-old,

I'm gonna act like a five-year-old.

-And how will we know?

-That does it.

Waaaaah! Waaah!

Make me a sandwich, make me a drink. I'm hungry, I'm thirsty, I'm bored.

I hate you! Waaah!

And, uh, what's new?

You covered me in spit!

Right! That's it, five-year-old, stay in your room!

Hi, Ben. Bye, Ben.

-Oh, by the way, Ben.

-Yeah.

-Max is behaving like a complete idiot.

-Excellent.

Not quite the response I was expecting.

Waaah!

Waaah!

Waaah!

Aren't you going to ask me why I'm crying like a baby?

-No.

-Why not?

-Because it's fun.

-It's fun asking me why I'm crying like a baby?

No, I mean it's fun crying like a baby.

-Maybe. But it also drives Dani mad.

-Just being you drives Dani mad.

But this'll drive her madderer.

-Madderer?!

-Yes.

-Is that a word?

-I just made it up.

Oh! Very cleverer.

I'm going to pretend I'm five-years-old.

Wow!

A 9-volt submersible sump pump!

Dani thinks she's throwing away loads of old toys.

A what?!

Old toys like this, eh?

Little Max! My cuddly, childhood friend.

He shouldn't be in with all the junk.

I mean, he's great for this five-year-old wind-up act.

HE BEATBOXES

Make some noise, people! This trick is massive!

HE SCRATCHES

Let me hear you people say, "Abra-cad-abra".

Abracadabra...

So...this was your bright idea.

It's got to keep five-year-olds interested.

I suggest magic.

-Tragic.

-Take it to the max.

No, no, no! Sam, the max.

As in "the maximum".

I've never heard him called Maximum. How formal. Is it Latin?

My piece de resistance!

Watch as I make everything disappear.

Yeah, from the dance floor.

Oh, gross!

I've seen the next bit of this trick.

Trust me, you don't want to see it reappear.

Oh, we love Little Max.

He's very old. I had him when I was a baby.

Hello, Little Max. Nice to meet you. I'm Ben.

You do know I'm only pretending to drive Dani mad?

-Madderer.

-That's right. It's all part of the act.

I know. But he is nice.

Can I cuddle Little Max?

No!

No, it's not just about cuddling Little Max.

Five-year-olds do other stuff that'll wind-up Dani too,

like screaming and shouting.

I know. But just a quick cuddle.

I said no, didn't I!

Oh, you're pretending again.

Can I try it too?

I suppose both of us doing it could really wind Dani up.

-Even winderer!

-Like it.

Can I have a cuddle now then?

Mine! Get your own.

Hello, Little Max, I'm Big Ben.

You do know I'm only pretending, right, to wind Dani up?

I know. But it is fun though.

-Yeah.

-Come on, let's make them do a funny dance.

Boom-boom-chck-chck-boom-boom-chck- boom-boom-chck...

Let's see if my stupid little brother has stopped behaving

like a five-year-old.

THEY YELL

I'll take that as a no.

So, you're still behaving like a five-year-old

-Yes.

-I'm behaving like a five-year-old to wind you up too.

Thanks, Ben.

So you're jumping around, throwing things,

-messing things up to wind me up even more?

-Yeah.

-Even winderer.

-That's not a word.

How would we know, we're only five(?)

Fine, Sam, Jack and me are gonna have pepperoni pizza for lunch.

Yummy!

Eh...not you two. You're only five years old, remember?

My pizza's far too spicy.

Here's your lunch.

Milk and jammy soldiers.

What?!

Yummy! I like jammy soldiers.

So does Big Ben.

Calling small strips of white bread "soldiers" is an insult.

I agree. Why do they call them "soldiers" anyway?

-Absolutely no idea.

-Nor me.

A proud soldier like me defends his nation

-and fights for what is right.

-Exactly.

It's not like we go around dipping our heads into eggs.

SCREAMING

What's going on?

Get it off!

Oh, well, it's only an egg. Could've been worse I suppose.

SCREAMING

Told you.

Thanks to you two, I've come up with the ultimate in kids' entertainment.

I'm now a DJ and...

a magician.

-It's OK, we'll wait for you to finish.

-Mmm?

-She didn't mean wait for you to finish the whole pizza.

-Oh...

Gross!

..a magician.

-Thought you said "mabician".

-What's that?

No idea. But you can't be worse at it than being a magician.

I'm a great magician, aren't I, Sam?

Well...

you're a pretty good DJ.

I'm a great DJ and a great magician.

It's a cool DJ-ing and magic combo. Perfect for kids.

Can't you see?

It's not just the five-year-olds who'll obviously slamming tunes.

-BOTH:

-Obviously.

They'll also enjoy my disappearing eggs and balloon animals.

A sausage dog.

POP!

OK...

Watch this...

Ze egg...

Ze handkerchief...

Wrap the egg like so.

Ah!

That one might need a bit of perfecting.

Now...gaze in awe as I saw...

one of you in half.

No thanks. I don't wanna end up like the egg.

First a trick from us two...

-OK.

-Watch us disappear before your very eyes.

I SAW how you did that.

Did you know I was once privileged enough to see the greatest magician?

-Really?

-Yes.

He was on the planet Heypustovius.

And who was this magician?

Zanzeezee the Magnificent.

He could make the Jack of Hearts rise from a pack of cards.

Was that worth travelling seven million light years for?

Oh, but his greatest trick was making the entire universe disappear.

-Really? The entire universe?

-Yes, it completely vanished.

-Oh.

-I can do the trick.

-No! No, no! You'd better not.

-Don't be silly, it's perfectly safe.

The Jack of Hearts.

Ah... Phew. For a moment there

I thought you were gonna make the entire universe disappear.

And for me next trick.

Ah, very good. Ha-ha(!)

-He's terrible.

-I know.

-He's the worst magician ever. I'm the one who encouraged him.

-I know.

-We shouldn't laugh.

-I know.

-Five-year-olds can be a tough audience.

-I know.

-He'll be humiliated.

-I know.

-What can we do?

-We need him to realise before he performs before an audience.

-I know.

Performing in front of people pretending to be five years old.

-I know.

-Max and Ben are pretending to be five years old.

-I know.

-They'll see Jack's act and hate it.

-I know.

Jack'll never perform his act again

and they'll regret pretending to be five years old. Win-win!

-I know.

-When did you start saying, "I know"?

-When you stopped.

-I know.

-I know.

Now, Jack's gonna try out his new magic act

and you're going to enjoy it, aren't you, Max?

-No!

-Yes.

-No!

-Yes.

-No!

No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!

-No! No!

-This could take a while.

No! No! No! No! No! No!

Probably don't want him to enjoy Jack's act?

No. But Max always does the opposite to what I ask him

Just make it look convincing.

No! No! No! No! No!

How many was that, Ben?

487.

OK, "yes" times 487 time infinity, plus...whatever.

No. Nein. Non...

times every language in the world,

times infinity, plus one, plus a language

that hasn't been discovered yet, plus another.

Oh! I give up. You win.

Ha!

Sorry, Jack, I tried my best. I'm sure Max'll love it.

Good luck.

HE BEATBOXES

OK, kids, we're having it large. This is where the party starts - big time!

HE SCRATCHES

Let me hear you say, "Hello, to Jack the amazing DJ-gician!"

-Oh!

-Get off the stage!

You're rubbish. Boring!

Everyone loves a great DJ-ing and magic act.

We don't. We hate you.

-We hate you!

-We hate you!

We hate you! We hate you! We hate you!

We hate you!

The 9-volt submersible sump pump.

-How did he...?

-Wait, you'll love this one.

The incredible floating record.

See? There's nothing up my sleeve.

Yes there is - a record.

Oh, yeah.

Sorry.

Quick, look at the instructions.

Ah!

See how it floats along my arm?

And back again.

Eh?

SMASH!

-BEN LAUGHS

-You're rubbish!

Boring!

-Get off!

-Get off!

BOTH: We hate you! We hate you!

-Enough's enough! Give me that!

-Hey, what do you think you're doing?

-It's OK. He's going to be my assistant.

-He's mine. Give him back!

Don't you think you're taking this too far? Dani's not even here.

-I don't care. Give him back.

-You can borrow Big Ben if you like.

-He's very cuddly.

-Big Ben and Little Max?

-They do a funny dance together.

-# Boom-cha! Boom-cha! #

-I thought you'd outgrown this baby stuff.

-I have. It's just pretend.

-You don't mind if I borrow Little Max, then?

-No.

-Thank you, Max.

Now, I'm going to saw him in half.

-Do you think Jack got the message about his magic act?

-What?

With Max and Ben watching? I hope so.

It's so much easier getting someone else to do your dirty work.

-What do you mean?

-That whole "cruel to be kind" thing.

People don't like hearing the truth.

If I said you had bad breath, I'd be doing you a favour.

-You wouldn't like to hear it.

-Yeah. ..What?

-No, you don't.

I'm just saying "if". DANI EXHALES

Dani, you don't have bad breath - it was an example,

-like if I said you had nits.

-What?!

-Agh! We've got people.

-And you've got bad breath.

HE EXHALES

EXHALES AGAIN

-Really, Dani, you don't. Just if!

-Whatever.

So, how's it going, boys?

Oh, no. You're not enjoying Jack's amazing magic show?

-Yeah, it's great.

-What?

-Sshh!

-We're ready to meet a friend of mine.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, say hello to Little Jack!

Hello, Little Jack!

Little Max!

Hello, Little Jack, how are you today?

Mind your business!

Ignore him, boys and girls, he's always SHORT with me.

-That's quite funny, isn't it, Max?

-No.

-What's up, Max?

What? Oh, nothing. Still pretending.

I want you to help me with a trick

You need all the help you can get!

Cheeky! Now, what I'm about to do won't hurt a bit.

Are you retiring from showbusiness? THEY LAUGH

No! No. I'm going to saw you in half. Now get in the box!

-What are you laughing at?

-It's quite good.

-Better than expected.

-Rubbish! I want my Little Max back.

Does Maxie-Waxie still love his cuddly-wuddly baby toy?!

Yes. ..No.

Anyway, Jack's act is rubbish, that's all.

-Yeah, if you talk all the way through it.

-Yeah, shut up, Max.

This might feel a little bit SORE.

Saw?

-Saw!

-Do you get it?

No, but I think I'm about to!

Whoops! I knew I should have had the instructions.

I didn't know you were married.

I was. She left me.

ALL: Aw-w!

I'm still cut up about it.

Well, pull yourself together, man!

Oh.

Er...big hand for Little Jack and his other half!

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, thank you and good night.

I'm not sure that was meant to happen but it was funny.

-Yeah, maybe he does have an act, after all.

-What?

He's got to put him back together again. That's the trick.

-Who cares? It was hilarious.

-You can have Big Ben. I don't mind, really.

I don't want Big Ben. I want Little Max.

-Max, it was going in the bin anyway. What's the matter with you?

-Nothing.

-I know.

-You're not...crying, are you?

It's just Little Max's stuffing. It's irritating my eyes.

If you are crying, you can use this.

-How?

-It's a nine-volt, submersible sump pump.

-It'll drain away the tears.

-HE INHALES

How do they know these things?

We all love maths, but we've done enough for today.

Instead, I'm going to teach the most important lesson of your life -

how to correctly use a nine-volt, submersible sump pump.

SNORING

There are generally two types of sump pump -

pedestal and submersible.

The pedestal pump's motor is mounted above the pit,

where it is more easily serviced and...

is more conspicuous.

-HE YAWNS

-This is...

Oh-h!

-You OK?

-Ha-ha! I fooled you.

I behaved just like a real five-year-old, didn't I?

-Er, yes.

-I was just pretending, Ben, to wind everyone up.

-I wasn't really crying. My eyes were irritated by...

-The stuffing.

You said.

Oh-h! I want my Little Max back!

And with a flourish,

remove the lid to reveal your assistant is back in one...piece...

or two.

Oh, no!

-ELECTRONIC SPEECH:

-I wish someone would love me.

You're a robot. No-one loves a robot, but everyone loves a teddy.

I'm very loveable, not flea-bitten like you.

I'm not flea-bitten. I'm characterful and cuddly.

-At least, I'm fun to play with.

-I'm fun to play with.

-Not.

-Am.

-Not.

Oh? Well, last time we went down to the woods,

I don't remember robots having a robots' picnic.

Last time I went on a spaceship into the future,

I don't remember seeing any soppy teddy bears.

-If you think your life's bad, try being me sometime.

-Who said that?

Me.

Kids twist me this way and that way. It hurts.

And then just throw me away in despair.

No-one loves a puzzle.

-It's true.

-True.

-See?! I want to be cuddled, not twisted and mangled.

I want to be loved and not left on my own.

I want to be played with, not forgotten. Wah!

THEY ALL CRY

Stop crying, you bunch of wimps. That's our job!

THEY WAIL

Maybe being a puzzle isn't so bad after all.

-Or a robot.

-Or a teddy.

-Come on, guys. Let's go for a slice of pizza.

CAT MIAOWS

CAT MIAOWS AGAIN

Cat attack! Cat attack! YOWLING

Take them. take them. Just please, please leave me alone.

Snack attack. CAT MIAOWS

OK, you've got what you want, now go! ..Please!

GROWLING

If you're levitating, you need a gap between you and the ground,

-not the work surface.

-I was just, er...going to change a light bulb.

It's working fine.

Always be prepared.

-get down.

-No, I'm fine. Actually, I can rehearse my new act up here.

-New act?

-Yeah, this is perfect.

-You're now sawing that work surface in half.

-Don't worry.

-I've given up magic.

-Really?

I guess that's the end of Jack the Amazing DJ-gician...

Probably for the best.

..but just the beginning of Joker Jack the Hilarious DJ-dedian.

-DJ-dedian?

-Yeah, it's ideal combo -

banging tunes with tiptop stand-up comedy.

-Stand-up comedy?

-Hey, you'll like this one.

What do you call a DJ with big headphones?

Anything you like. He can't hear you.

-I think I'm going to cry now.

-Yeah, with laughter.

Hey, I hope Max isn't still upset over Little Max.

-I still haven't managed to put him back together.

-Don't worry.

-He needs to grow up.

-Yeah, I still feel bad about it.

If you feel that bad, give him to me and I'll sew him together.

-Really?

-Sure.

-Creep.

-Cool!

-So give him to me, then.

-Ah!

-Problem?

-..No.

-So where is he?

-Er...he's just chewing things over.

GROWLING

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty!

CAT YOWLS Where are you, kitty?

YOWLING

Ah-ha-ha! There you are, little kitty.

Now, give it back to me now. CAT MIAOWS

There's a good kitty.

You're not so... CAT YOWLS

Oh, man!

-So can you do anything with this, then?

-Um...

Clean the toilet?

-You said you'd sew him back together.

-Give it here.

Oh, thanks, Sam. You are SO good to me.

Sew?

So?

It's the way I tell them.

KNOCK ON DOOR

-What do YOU want?

-I'm sorry, Max.

I thought you were throwing Little Max out with the junk.

Er...oh, yeah. Yeah, it was all part of my five-year-old act

to wind up Dani, you know.

So, you don't want him back, then?

Little Max!

-Little Max?

-Yeah, sorry about that.

-I had to retrieve it from the cat's mouth.

-Ugh!

-Hey, don't thank me.

Thank Sam. She put him back together with the magic of sewing.

-Little Max enjoyed your act.

-How do you know?

-He was in stitches.

-Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

That is SO funny.

SEW!

See?

BEN LAUGHS

So?

Hey, I'll have to put that in my new act.

Joker Jack the Hilarious DJ-dedian!

Hey, you'll like this one. What do you call a DJ with...?

BOTH: No!

Hey!

Aggh! The show can't end there.

We haven't heard the end of Jack's joke.

The show's got to end on a punch...

..line! A punch line. You could have at least let me finish.

-Sorry.

-Right. No excuses. Time to tidy this place up, then.

And no more magic tricks, please.

No magic. I'll just open the hatch up there

and all the junk will be instantly sucked out into space

and circle the universe once again.

Hang on a minute. What about me?!

-Agh! Agh!

-Er, sorry about that. No harm done, eh?

-No.

-Look how tidy this place is.

-Yeah, not bad,

-apart from this one piece of junk.

-Oh, that's not junk.

-That's a nine-volt, submersible sump pump.

-Ah!

What's exactly does it do?

I've no idea.

I'm going to teach the most important lesson of your life.

How to correctly use a nine-volt, submersible sump pump.

There are generally two types of sump pumps -

the pedestal and the submersible.

-The pedestal pu... Oh!

-BLEEP!

There are generally two types of sump pumps,

pedestal and submersible,

-the pedestal sump pump's mu...

-BLEEP!

-Oh!

..pedestal and submersible,

-the pedestal stump's mumps... Sorry.

-BLEEP!

-..pedestal and submersible, the pedestal sump's... Oh!

-BLEEP!

-Pedestal sumps...

-THEY LAUGH

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd