Hit the Jackpot Dani's House

..seven, eight, nine, ten!

Coming to get you, ready or not!

Got ya!

-Co-ordinator Zang - where are you?

-The game is

hide-and-seek, not hide-and-tell-you-where-I-am.

Hang on. Have you activated your invisibility force field?

Of-of course not, that would be cheating!

-Like that would be the first time!

-I heard that.

Oh, Dani's House is starting.

But I'm sure you won't expose your new hiding place just...

ELECTRONIC HUMMING

Ha! I knew you'd gone invisible!

It's no fun when you always find me.

I did say that would happen. If you'd listen to me...

SPEECH SPEEDS UP

Ah!

Hi. My name's Dani, and this is my fantastic new...

Best friend Jack.

Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?

Your name's Dani, and I'm your best friend Sam.

As I was saying, this is my fantastic new... Max!

I'm her brother, and actually, it's Ben...?

-What? Oh, it's our show...

-Can you just zip it?!

As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this is my...

-ALL TALK AT ONCE

-What did I tell you?

-I give up.

Ooh, this is it. I recognise the doctor with the big head. Get ready

to witness my first TV show appearance.

TELEVISION: I'm afraid it's not a pretty sight.

Some other time.

-SOBBING FROM TV

-I don't believe it, they cut me out.

Maybe they didn't feel you'd got the character right?

-I was playing a corpse.

-Oh.

-This is it. No more crummy parts

that get cut, or are so small you wouldn't know it's me.

Like that zombie movie that showed your leg getting eaten?

-I was talking generally.

-So how are you gonna turn things around?

Publicity. I need to raise my profile, get my face out there.

These T-shirts were a great idea.

You wanted your face out there. Well, it's out there.

And we've almost run out.

Which means 200 people, three dogs and one hamster

are wearing your face right now.

I'm bound to get recognised after this. Great work!

Whoo!

What's wrong, Dani?

"Meet Dani.

"The new face of verruca cream."

BOTH LAUGH

Aaaaaarggggh!

-Peel.

-Peel! I mean, don't peel.

I'm confused now.

-TELEVISION:

-Well, you say peel.

You chose orange number 12.

Hope it's a winner.

Let's have a look.

-BUZZER

-Oh, I'm sorry!

CROWD GROANS

I knew he shouldn't have peeled. I bet I could win Peel Or No Peel.

You have watched every episode.

You're right! I'm gonna apply online right now.

It's big money, Ben.

I could do with adding more zeros to my bank account.

-So how many zeros would you need to be a squillionaire?

-A lot.

Which is why I'm going to apply to all the game shows!

There are loads.

Extreme Ironing On Ice, Win, Lose Or Drown.

Why stop at one when I can win them all?

BOTH CACKLE

I don't know why we're laughing!

I need a publicity stunt that's big, flashy,

captures people's imagination.

But obviously doesn't cost any money.

Exactly. Cos I don't have any.

Well, if it's cash you need, do what I do, work for Mr Poonzel.

Ray Poonzel, hairdresser to the stars?

Mr Poonzel uses my hair for practice.

-He cuts it any way he wants, I get paid.

-Too risky.

Unless I can see the end result, no way I'm letting anyone loose

on what some people say is my best asset.

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

-MUSIC STOPS

-What?

-Nothing.

-Then you'll have to get a job.

Like stacking shelves or being a tennis instructor?

Have you seen their uniforms?!

How about working for your grandfather on an expedition?

For some reason, he says I'm not that helpful.

ANIMALS GRUNT AND SCREECH

It's just there.

Get ready, Dani.

This is the first sighting ever of the Amazonian silver ridge gorilla.

Ssshh.

Don't make a sound.

They're very sensitive to noise.

MOBILE RINGS

I should, er, probably...take this.

HELLO?!

Yeah, yeah. In the jungle. No, jungle.

Yeah, gorillas. Furry things...?

All that fuss over a gorilla.

Talking of which, got to nip out.

See a man about a dog.

All done. Now we wait for the offers to pour in.

In the meantime,

I need to prepare.

Are you going through these to learn the answers to every question

-ever asked on a game show?

-No.

I'm going to sleep.

Rest your brain. Good idea.

It won't be resting.

On here is a quiz CD containing every game show category - science,

history, catchphrases from around the world, you name it, it's there.

All I have to do is listen.

My brain will absorb the answers.

And when I wake up, I'll be ready.

Is there a martial arts category? I've always wanted to learn kung-fu.

Hi-yah! Hi-yah! Wah! Wah!

Whoa!

So you think this will raise Dani's profile?

It's virtual, showcases her talents,

and most importantly, it's free. How can it fail?

-Yeah, but you've never shot a music video before.

-Well, you can't swim.

That didn't stop you applying to be a life guard

at the bikini model pool party.

That was a networking opportunity. But you have a point.

Ready! Yo!

Perfect.

-And you've learnt all the words?

-You sure I don't look stupid?

No way! You look kickin', sister.

DANI MOUTHS

Once we shoot this, and put it on the internet,

the Dani Publicity Campaign will be officially launched.

Who knows? It might even go viral.

Ugh! That sounds bad! Is it contagious?

You bet. And we want everyone to catch Dani fever. Ready?

OK. OK?

DANI CLEARS THROAT

Action.

-RAPS:

-# I spy with my little eye

# I'm Dani, I'm hammy, and I'm really, really fly

# I groove like a hoover, get down to the beat

# So come a little closer, but don't smell my feet

# One to the two, to the three, to the three

# I dance like Beyonce but I rap like Jay-Z

# Jack and Sam are my beebers, no doubt

# So let's get this party started Let's rock Dani's house! Yeah! #

Whoo!

Oh!

Oh, that was wicked!

Sam?

Jack?

It's OK. I'm still alive.

Cut!

Cock-a-doodle-do!

-What are you doing?

-That's how my mum wakes me every morning.

Works, doesn't it?

Test me.

What is the yearly sausage consumption of the Ukraine?

Probably needs some time to kick in.

I'll check my e-mails, see which shows I've got on.

They're all nos!

"No. No. Not in your life. No."

Wait, there's a yes!

"Dear Max,

"we are delighted to inform you, due to a last-minute cancellation

"from a contestant who got on a better show,

-"that we have a place for you on tomorrow's Family Misfunctions."

-Yes!

"Please bring ID, coloured pens and a family member." What?!

It is called Family Misfunctions.

Maybe I could pretend to be your dad.

Erm, slight problem. My dad's bald.

Oh, yeah. What are you gonna do?

Forget music video. We just invented the music no-no.

Some of it might be OK. Think positive.

Try telling that to Jack.

No amount of positive thinking's gonna fix his equipment.

-Poor guy must be gutted.

-Yippee-doodle-do!

You were saying?

Say hello to the internet's finest virtual hairdressing salon owner.

BOTH: Virtual what?

Virtual hairdressing. It was something Dani said earlier

about being able to see your hairstyle before it gets cut.

Got me thinking. So I came up with...

BOTH: "Comb Over And Wig Out."

It's a hairdressing website

where people can pay not to get their hair cut. Genius, right?

What about DJ-ing and all your equipment?

With the profits from this, I could buy more.

No time for interfacing. I popped in to borrow your hairdryer.

It's in the bedroom.

Got to go, got wigs to fluff!

Get lost, boneheads. This room is now HQ for my publicity team.

We're still finding our feet. Clearly. Well, good luck.

Guess I'll have to find someone else to make big bucks with.

-You've got a money-making plan?

-Game shows. I've already got on one.

And you need me because...?

I have to bring a family member, and as my charming, clever sister...

Grandpa couldn't make it?

No. If we win, we could split the prize 50-50.

That would raise money and your profile in one go.

As your publicist, I say go for it.

-OK.

-I'll get the contracts drawn up, and we can start preparing.

We've got one day to find out everything about each other.

Whoa, time out. What d'you mean, everything about each other?

There's a round where we answer questions on family.

You're my brother. What could I possibly not know?

-When's my birthday?

-March 3rd.

-March the...

-It's not March.

April? June?

October.

-It's May 4th.

-Star Wars Day.

-May the fourth be with you.

-OK.

Maybe we do need to do a little bit of homework

before our TV show appearance.

Oh, homework? Let me help. I'm great at homework.

Go on, Zang, what is a game show?

It's a televised event where humans compete against each other

for money or to become famous

so that they can host their own game shows.

Ah, game shows are similar to our inter-galaxian contests?

Yes, but without the blood, gore and fighting to the death.

Those are the best bits!

Well, we don't call humans the cavemen of the cosmos for no reason.

BOTH LAUGH

There are three rounds - Charades, Quickfire, and the last round,

He Said, She Said, carries the most points,

so that's the one we will focus on.

Fine, but why do we have to wear these?

It's scientifically proven you take in more information

when your body is under physical duress.

-What did she say?

-You learn more if you're sweating.

I've designed a series of exercises that you'll do as I test you.

-Any questions?

-Why do I have to do this?

-I guess you don't.

Cool. So I have a free afternoon to do anything I want.

I'll give you 10% of my winnings if you do my chores.

-Er...

-I'll give you five if you do mine.

Done.

Ooh, cool!

-Cadets, ready!

-Aren't you taking this a bit seriously?

-Do you want to win or not?!

-Yes, sir.

All right, then, gear up!

Star jumps. Ready...

WAIT!

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Max, what is Dani's favourite colour?

-Er, brown?

Aquamarine blue. Dani, what's Max's?

-Green?

-No, it's brown.

No-one's favourite is brown!

All wrong answers - double time skipping.

WAIT!

WHISTLE BLOWS

Dani, what is Max's best feature?

His strangely long toes?

No, it's his cute button nose. FASTER!

Max, what is Dani's most embarrassing moment?

All Dani's moments are embarrassing?

No, wrong again. It's having loo roll stuck to her skirt.

That was embarrassing.

Yeah, ha-ha! Thank you! Thanks, guys, thank you so much.

Guys, for this last song,

I would just love one of you to come up and join me here on stage.

Erm, let me see, erm... AUDIENCE CLAMOURS

Hey, what about you?

-Me?!

-DANI SHRIEKS

Oh, wow! I've always wanted to meet you.

-I'm so nervous.

-Erm, I guess that's why you brought all that loo roll?

Oi! No slacking! You've got 100 more to go.

This is hopeless, we're never gonna win at this rate.

-Then let me read your diary.

-Forget it.

No talking! Next question.

-Been shopping?

-No, I'm moving all of Dani's clothes

so I can clean her wardrobe. What are you doing?

Trying to get my website working,

but I can't find any decent photographs of myself wearing these.

Maybe you could help.

You want me to model the wigs?

I was gonna suggest you take the photos, but sure, why not?

OK, let's start with this one.

No, maybe the green one. Yeah, green, that's more like it.

Try the blonde one. This one's gonna be the one, yeah. That's nice.

Or this one? I like this one. This is really...

Or the... No, I think the blonde one is my favourite.

It's probably my colour.

I knew you two weren't to be trusted with a toilet break.

-I'm exhausted.

-We need a rest.

Besides, I've asked Ben to make lunch.

I guess a refreshment break is OK.

-You've got 30 minutes.

-No way!

-Is that all?

Make that 29.

-Ben!

-Hurry up!

Nice, nice, nice. Beautiful.

-The wig.

-Oh, yeah.

Flick it a bit.

Hello, ladies.

You're not still doing this virtual hairdressing?

He is. I'm his business partner.

Ben, you do realise everyone will see these photos?

You're right. I've got to tell everyone I know.

Right, everyone out!

I need 100 more styles on my website before we go live at midnight.

That reminds me,

the deadline for the physics fun run is midnight tonight.

Oh, well, you'd best be off.

Wouldn't want you to be a physicist not getting physical.

-What about preparing?

-We'll do it ourselves.

Stay up all night if we must.

By tomorrow, we'll be the most well-prepared contestants ever

to go on Family Misfunctions.

COCKEREL CROWS

Morning! I've brought grass shakes and seaweed muffins. Brain food.

BOTH: Argh!

I passed your parents on the way out.

They didn't want to disturb you. You've been hard at it.

-Did you get all the questions done?

-Absolutely.

-Of course.

It worked, it worked! I took my website live last night.

Went to bed, woke up this morning

-to find thousands of people have been on it!

-But how?

With Ben's texts, and my mate Tweeting, word got out.

-Where's Ben? I can't wait to tell him.

-I'm here.

-Seaweed muffins! Yummy!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, ten o'clock. My first client.

-For what?

-The hairstyles.

People liked them so much online, they want the real thing.

You're gonna cut their hair?

Why not? I've seen Mr Poonzel do it loads of times. How hard can it be?

I'm ready!

Now, this won't hurt a bit.

What time did I say we had to be at the TV studio?

11 o'clock.

Was that pm?

Argh! I've got to find my lucky rabbit's foot.

-I've got to get dressed!

-Wait.

I've got to...

No, don't have anything to do.

Wait, we haven't practised charades or the word association game.

We'll do it on the way there.

Where are my clothes?

I'll be with you in a minute.

I hope Dani and Max got to the studio on time.

The taxi driver knew exactly where to go.

He thought Piccadilly Circus was where clowns live.

-You worry too much.

-You don't worry enough.

-I really think this is a bad idea.

-Sshh! My client will hear you.

What's this for, energy?

Curling... Hot tongs.

Ah, Mrs Smith!

-I see you've picked your hairstyle.

-Yes, I have.

Please take a seat.

Relax. And let my fingers do the talking.

Ben, sit over there so I can see the television.

Our friends are on a game show.

-Hey, it's already started.

-APPLAUSE FROM TELEVISION

And on the other team, Dani and her brother Max.

THEY CHEER

So, Dani, what's it like to be an astronaut?

Er, restrictive?

Indeed. And Max, I see here you're an avid collector of bird droppings.

No.

No, you're right! That was the last lot!

HE LAUGHS

OK, then, intros over. Let's play...

Family Misfunctions!

First round.

Charades!

That will be a doddle with Dani's acting skills.

But you don't know who they're up against.

How bad could it be?

-I guess. As long as it's not...

-Erik and Erika!

BOTH: No!

-Who are Erik and Erika?

-They're the reigning game show champions.

They haven't lost their title in 19 years.

And to start things off, Erik and Erika.

-Ready?

-BOTH: Ready.

Film...

two words... Finding Nemo!

Correct.

The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

-Exactly right again.

-Oooh.

-Correct.

Fantastic. Well done.

Wow! You guys are good.

APPLAUSE

Dani, Max - your turn.

-OK, come on. Come on.

-Come on.

Chicken...hungry...

Mum in the morning?

-Fish out of water?

-Gorilla?

Oh, a book.

-She could...

-Giraffe?!

BUZZER

Oh, I'm sorry. You've run out of time.

The answer is...

The Jungle Book.

I was gonna say that.

And, at the end of round one, our scores are...

-Erik and Erika, 150.

-APPLAUSE

Dani and Max, zero.

SAM SIGHS

It's like watching a car crash.

-But without the cars.

-Absolutely. Tell me about it.

Ah! Ha-ha!

Wonderful! My best work yet.

Close your eyes, so I can do the fringe.

There we go.

Mrs Smith, take a look.

What do you think?

You like?

That'll be £50, please.

Thank you. Thank you.

-I can't believe you got away with it.

-Me neither.

This is gonna be a breeze.

They're back on.

In this round, Dani, you have to guess as many words as you can,

using Max's description.

Off...you...go.

It's cold, white, I like it on toast.

-Ice cream.

-Yes.

-They got one. What I think of your acting.

-Wooden.

-Yes!

-Yes!

-Like grandpa's breath.

-Pickled onions.

What I gave you last year for Christmas.

-Chicken pox.

-Yes!

-APPLAUSE

-Wow! You guys did good!

It's gonna be hard to beat.

-OK, away...you...go.

-It's a naturally occurring substance.

-Tea.

-Formed in Eastern and Western countries.

-Coffee.

-It's King Hussein of Hungary's favourite food.

-Erm...chocolate. Chicken nuggets?

-BUZZER

-Oh, I'm sorry. You're out of time.

-Yes!

-Woo-hoo!

Salt, dummy.

We can do this, come on!

Kids, this is nail-biting.

Because after that round, the scores are tied at 150-all.

Which means the winner of the next round wins the show.

Max, Erika, you're gonna have to put on your headphones.

Dani, Erik, I'm gonna ask you two a question.

Then I'm going to ask the two of you the same question.

Give the same answer as your sibling, and you win!

Dani, Erik, the question is...

what is your most embarrassing moment?

TENSE GAME SHOW STYLE MUSIC

I'm sorry, I'm going to have to hurry you.

And I'm sorry, we are out of time.

I asked your family members, what was their most embarrassing moment?

Erika? What did Erik say?

Easy. It was a trip to the fair,

Erik got so scared on the ghost train, he wet himself.

She said, wet himself.

He said...

-Oh, I'm afraid that's wrong.

-Yes!

-Yeah!

-Erik and Erika!

-Max, it's all down to you.

-Come on, Max, you can do it!

Do it for me, Max, come on!

What is Dani's most embarrassing moment?

Well, there's so much choice.

There's the spider incident.

The time she thought her friends were trying to kill her.

-Do you remember that?

-Yeah.

And, of course, when she ran away to join the circus.

But she would probably say it was having loo roll stuck up her skirt.

Ah, that was terrible.

-I was always gonna say that.

-Is that your answer?

Yes.

Has Max got it right to win the Family Misfunctions grand prize?

Please!

Find out right after the break!

ALL: Oh!

DOORBELL Ooh, there's my next client.

-Mr Poonzel!

-Are you the person responsible for the virtual website

-called Comb Over And Wig Out?

-I had no idea you'd seen my website.

I am honoured you want me to cut your hair.

-Cut my hair? I wouldn't let you cut my toenails.

-So why are you here?

Because Mrs Smith is in my salon crying over haircut

from a Ray Poonzel Hair Academy "graduate."

All right, I'll take that bit down.

Correction.

You will take down the whole website and refer all your clients to me.

-And why would I do that?

-Because otherwise I'll sue you.

-Oh.

-Would he win?

-Probably.

-Consider it done.

-I'm glad we agree.

JACK SIGHS

Sorry, Jack - you must be gutted.

Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.

C'est la vie. Whatever that means.

Ooh!

Welcome back. Before the break, Max told us that

Dani's most embarrassing moment was having loo roll stuck in her skirt.

Was he right?

Wait! Dani knows me well enough to know I never listen to her.

So she'd probably give the answer she thinks I think it is.

I'm changing my answer.

AUDIENCE GASPS

Let's see if your gamble pays off.

He said...

All Dani's moments are embarrassing.

She said...

Absolutely spot on!

ALL CHEER

Congratulations! You've won!

And your prize is...

a non-expenses-paid trip to the Snail Olympics!

This is all your fault. No money. Humiliated on national TV.

I'm a laughing stock. I'll be lucky to play a dead body now.

I'm afraid that's all the time we have for Family Misfunctions!

See you... Watch the suit, would you?

See you next week!

-After all that work, and their prize...

-..is the Snail Olympics.

-They must be...

-..over the moon!

Those humans, eh? Competing just to get rich, famous and win a prize.

Oo! That reminds me, I must register Pookie in the Snail Olympics.

Erm, about your pet snail...

Remember that pile of brown goo you stepped in the other day?

Pookie!

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea... #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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