Who Do You Think You Aren't? Dani's House

This is exciting! The Zarg and Zak family reunion party on our ship!

I never expected it

after you forgot who you were for three light years!

The decorations are sorted.

All we need to do is make the maggot punch.

-I wonder who'll arrive first.

-My Aunt Zak.

You said she wasn't coming! Oh!

-Aunt Ushi's coming too.

-She's not bring your cousin Ushee?

'Fraid so, but he promised no explosions.

The ringing in my ears just stopped from when he blew up the engine!

Cancel the party!

Say the transporter's not working.

That way we can watch Dani's House without everyone talking.

Mmm...

Ouch!

Hi, my name's Dani, and this is my...

-Best friend, Jack!

-Yeah, but...

-Where was I?

-You're Dani, I'm your best friend too, Sam.

As I was saying, this is my...

-Max!

-I'm her brother and it's... Ben?

What? Oh, if I was...

Can you just zip it?

So, my name's Dani and this is my...

-EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

-I give up!

SHOUTING

Great idea! There's bound to be a priceless antique here

that we can flog on Junk In Your Trunk.

And I think I may have found two.

These prototypes are two very rare Ming Dynasty bowls.

-You're telling me those are worth money?

-Let's see.

The last pair went to auction for...

..20 million pounds...each!

Jack! They have to be intact. The slightest touch can damage them.

-DOORBELL

-Woo-hoo!

Oh!

Wait. Those are the origami bowls I made you for your fifth birthday.

My bad!

-Nothing interesting.

-I've got something.

That's an old document full of boring stuff.

The kind of thing librarians and teachers with dandruff drool over.

It's maybe your family tree.

Yes, it is. See? These lines trace Dani's family way...way back!

-So I can see my ancestors on this?

-Yep!

Who will you be related to?

Someone famous! This talent's from somewhere.

Family trees, get your family trees here!

-What's the name, darlin'?

-Dani.

-Dani?

Ah, here we go!

The Dani family tree!

Wow! That's Mum...and Dad...

and Max...! I always hoped he'd be switched at birth!

Uncle Sam...Aunt Sheila...

Miley Cyrus?

Zac Efron! I always knew fame would run in the family!

Anyone can see you've got star quality!

You going to buy it or what?

It's pretty expensive!

Oh! Is that a yeti?

-Can't see it.

-Must've just been a rug.

Anyways, look at this!

Check that for star power!

-Did you just stick those on?

-Is that a flying saucer?

-You are related to someone famous!

-I knew it. Who is it?

Andrew Bore, the famous writer.

-He wrote A Bore's Guide To Atoms, changed my life!

-Is that it?

-No-one else.

-Zapper?

-So I'm related to this guy here? Lionel Leonard Zapper.

-You know him?

Yeah! Lionel Leonard Zapper is the real name of Melon Jones!

Superstar singer and actor?

The Nobel Prize winner for saving snails?

-Is there another Melon Jones?

-SCREAMING

-The sumo suits!

-That was quick.

Once we're inflated we'll be ready for training.

-Awesome! Will it take long?

-No! Two weeks.

So in two weeks' time... That tickles!

-..we'll go to Japan as sumo wrestlers.

-Treated like gods...

just like the documentary said.

This is the life, Ben!

I know, I love being a god.

O, great masters, you have been called upon by Okuma.

That isn't the goddess of food again? I'm still full!

That was Okimuchi.

Okuma is Japan's most feared warrior.

-What's he want?

-To fight, divine one.

-Fight?

You're wrestlers. That's what you do!

As gods, we can instruct others to fight for us, right?

-Of course.

-You want to exchange your slippers

for something sturdier before fighting him.

Good advice. Okuma likes to attack the feet.

I'm a messenger, not a warrior!

I can't fight!

My muscles have been trained to open envelopes! Envelopes!

Tell Mr Jones his long-lost musically inclined relative Dani

is waiting to hear back.

Melon's agent's cleaner's number was useful!

You're related to Melon Jones. I loved him in the yodelling cows film.

You mean this one?

The Sound Of Moo-sic! Classic!

I always knew fame would run in the family!

SHOUTING

I can't wait to meet Melon. He'll be a good replacement for Max.

SHOUTING AND MOANING

-I haven't seen Max this helpless since he was in nappies!

-Help us up!

-Why the silly suits?

-We want to be sumo wrestlers,

move to Japan and live like gods.

-That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard!

-I know.

Unless you can actually do that!

Don't let me stop you moving abroad!

-DOORBELL

-Oh, doorbell!

I need the loo!

AMERICAN ACCENT: Cousin! I got your message and came right away!

Imagine! Melon Jones has a long-lost relative!

You're family too?

-You?

-I wish!

Only family can touch Melon Jones!

What fun, I'm glad we didn't cancel our party.

There's no law says a family reunion has to have family!

I think there is. Party regulation 425, clause 31b?

-Oh, yes...

-I won't tell if you don't.

-I didn't see anything.

-Nor me.

-I wasn't even here.

So you won't mind if I finish the maggot punch?

Great room, wonderful vibe. Cheryl would love it.

Cheryl as in Cheryl Cole?

No, Cheryl as in my pet pig.

I'll just sit down over...there.

I like to have my seats pre-warmed.

Oh, of course you do.

-Thank you, Penny.

-It's Dani.

-That's what I meant.

So tell me all about yourself.

Well, I just...it's such an honour having you here. I'm a huge fan!

-Me too. I'm Jack, by the way.

-I'm Sam.

Nothing makes me happier than meeting my fans.

Where do you keep the oxygen?

-The what?

-I like to have an inhalation every hour.

- To refresh my aura. - Plenty in the air...

and if it's refreshment you want, I'm sure we can get a glass of something.

-Do you have any polar ice shakes?

-A glass of water?

-Or cola?

-Only white food and drink passes these lips.

-Other colours clash with my colon.

-How about milk?

Organic Egyptian camel's milk?

Then I'll just have the glass. Luckily, I carry my own!

Family!

MOANING AND GROANING

I can't do it any more, Max, I'm too tired.

It's OK, Ben. We tried our best.

Max, if this is it, it was great knowing you.

Right back at you! No-one could ask for a better best mate.

-I'm starving.

-Me too!

One...

two...

-three!

-Thank goodness! I wasn't ready to die.

Didn't you say we had to train non-stop, no toilet breaks even?

Eating is part of our training so that doesn't count.

-You escaped?

-No thanks to you!

-Chocolate-chip biccies, eh? Who are you trying to impress?

-No-one!

There's a spider, these are to lure it and this is to trap it.

Aaargh!

It's in the living room!

I know you're lying, I've seen what happens when you find a spider...

Eeeek! Spider!

Eeeek! Spider!

Aaargh! Ooh, spider!

-SPLAT!

-That should do the trick!

I still have the scar!

OK, look, you're bound to find out.

We are related to one of the world's most famous entertainers

-and he's here now.

-Yeah? Whoo!

No, not you.

-Don't tell me Jason Limbersnake is here!

-No, but Melon Jones is!

-Oh.

Not really a fan of his.

The singing cows gave me the willies.

Come on, Ben, Japan is...history! Change of plan!

LAUGHTER

Melon Jones, Max.

Dani's brother, which makes me family and your biggest fan!

So I told Madonna I wanted to learn the splits.

She asked me how flexible I was.

I said I could only do Mondays and Wednesdays!

Have the suits cut the blood to your brain? What are you doing?

No-one gets too close to Melon!

-You his mother?

-His bodyguards!

It's cool, guys. Ooh, chocolate-chip biscuits! My favourite!

If they're white-chocolate chips...

-Oh.

-I could pick them out.

Families, eh?

-What are you doing?

-My family tree needs pruning!

-Another celebrity story!

-What about the BAFTAs?

Did your pet pig have another accident on stage?

Couldn't make the BAFTAs. My helicopter was being serviced.

-How about Beyonce's party?

-Couldn't make that either. I was...

-getting my teeth whitened.

-What about the...?

-You want to hear my latest work?

-Definitely!

MUSIC STARTS

HE SCATS BADLY

What do you think?

It's a new thing I'm trying. Mixing singing with jazz. I call it...

-..snazz!

-More like snooze! That was awful.

Er...it's...different!

Never heard anything like it.

I'm sure snazz will be the next big thing!

I can't come up with the goods any more!

-I thought snazz would help me.

-What did the record company think?

Why? Who have you been talking to? Did Bruno send you?

No, but you're their biggest star.

Not any more...

Thank you, James. Like I was saying...

-I haven't had a hit in months.

-What's the problem?

I'm a fake. What I mean is

the real Melon Jones is Lionel Leonard Zapper,

an ordinary guy. I'm not even from the USA.

IRISH ACCENT: I'm Irish! Everyday life inspired me.

Lionel Leonard Zapper became rich and successful.

He went from ordinary to extraordinary and lost his way.

Exactly. Who knew that having a private jet, more shoes than Mariah

and a solid-gold bathroom could be a bad thing?

Solid-gold toilet! Every young wannabe's dream!

Hold on, I'm confused.

If you're not Melon Jones, then who is?

Let me guess! Is it Kofi?

Max, can you explain?

We think you need a reality check.

I do...but how?

Psychometric testing!

I learnt techniques at psychology camp to help you reconnect.

I didn't understand most of that, Suzie, but it sounded good.

-But why help me?

-You're family.

-I love testing people.

-Also if we get your career back on track,

-you can introduce me to the movers and shakers.

-Debbie...

Deal!

Listen up, everyone, we are about to start Project Melon.

-Our aim is to de-Melon Melon Jones.

-This won't hurt, will it?

-I've a very low pain threshold.

-No. Well, maybe a little.

To start, we need to work out what the big problem is.

We'll do tests to see how comfortable you are in normal situations.

The first one is a role-play where you're taking a ride on a bus

and Jack is the bus driver.

-What's a bus?

-Well, er...

a bus is like your private helicopter

except it has wheels, it can't fly

-and lots of people you don't know use it too.

-Sounds terrible!

But I'll give it a go!

That'll be 89 pence, please, mate.

I never carry cash. Send the bill to my butler.

The passengers will engage in small talk with you.

How about this weather? Looks like it might rain.

It does? Aaargh! I'm allergic to rain!

-It's not actually raining, Melon.

-Oh? Good.

What about the price of onions these days?

Stop the bus!

SCREECH!

Wow! These guys are great at role-play! What's wrong?

This old lady is complaining about the cost of onions.

As chairman of Onions Incorporated,

all it takes is one call to my broker

and the price will drop quicker than Cheryl's perm in the rain!

Look at me! An average guy travelling on the...what was it?

ALL: Bus.

This is to see how you do with everyday home stuff.

We've recreated a bathroom. That is the bath, that is the sink

and that is the toilet.

Not that you'll need it. It's just to make this true to life.

I don't think so! If you're going for a true-to-life bathroom,

where's the iced tea, steam room and diamante towel holder?

We want to see your washing routine.

The thing you do before you go to bed or in the morning.

Which one? They're very different.

-Going to bed.

-Oh, that's easy. Where's the massage table?

I'll regret asking, but what are you doing?

My going-to-bed bathroom routine. I lie on the massage table

while my butler runs my bath. Then he brushes my teeth.

Isn't that what everyone does?

How is your morning routine different?

I bath first, then brush my teeth.

Right!

Right, now, you, me and Jack are at home, hanging out, playing a game.

I've always wanted to hang out! I never knew what it was.

Dude, you do need reconnecting!

-It's your turn, what will you do?

-Cheating is not acceptable.

I don't need to cheat!

I play this all the time with my butler and Cheryl. I always win.

Queen takes king, dog beats cat, snap, I buy two houses and...

..checkmate! Don't tell me I didn't win that fair and square!

It's clear you have absolutely no grasp on reality.

I'm really sorry. I had no idea you actually took turns in games.

It's OK. Now we know the problems

Sam and Jack can start on Project Melon phase two and three.

So I've passed phase one?

No, we're getting to that.

Max, Ben...

Being Melon Jones has isolated you.

It has made you arrogant, big-headed,

-always thinking you're right.

-I don't!

-The sky is blue.

The sky is green!

-You may have a point.

-Phase one will help you.

Is he ready?

Take your positions.

In wrestling everyone is equal, so don't expect any special treatment.

Aaaargh!

That's it. You're making an effort. You might win fair and square.

Or maybe not.

-I don't think this will work.

-It's early days and he's keen to change.

He wants his sandwiches colour-coded.

I know, but we're doing the best we can.

Finding out I'm related to him explains so much.

I know where I get my talent and why I need to entertain.

-And flop sweat when you're nervous? Melon does that too.

-Yeah.

If Melon can't handle the fame...

I don't want to be famous if it means picking bits out of food

-or having my socks ironed.

-You don't iron!

-You know what I mean.

I could end up like him. Too much Melon, not enough seed.

Now for phase two.

Melon Jones is in a fashion rut. Time for an image change.

I don't know about messing with my look.

I'm the Frankenstein of fashion.

That's not a good thing. Change is good.

If you say so.

Maybe not this one.

-Sorry, Sam. Too boring.

-What...?

That is way too clashy. That many colours should be illegal.

I think we've found your new image!

It's been hard, but we made it. Phase three - final phase of Project Melon.

However, this stage is the hardest,

the most likely to take him out his comfort zone.

-Sleeping without my teddies?

-Listening to music.

-That's hardly painful. I love music.

-Not all music.

I know you don't love heavy metal.

Not that, anything but that!

You wanted to reconnect with reality.

What's more real than a sweaty mosh pit?

Take it away, Jack!

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

Don't fight it, Melon!

Give in to the inner metal head!

That's more like it.

Listen to different music to get your mojo back!

Like disco!

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

I haven't listened to disco since I was ten

and my mum put me in a spandex cat suit for a talent contest!

- I still have nightmares about it! - The past is the past.

-Let it go!

-Yeah, embrace it, let the music flow through your body!

Like my nanna's superhot curry!

Yeah!

To round it off, the music of the man in the street!

-The blues?

-No, silly, country and western!

COUNTRY-AND-WESTERN MUSIC

-Yeeha!

-Yeeha!

Arriba, arriba!

Giddy-up!

I can't thank you enough. I feel like me old self again!

Glad to be of service, boss.

Forget snazz, say hello to pzazz,

cos Melon Jones is back!

Thank goodness! Snazz would've ruined his career.

What kind of idiot would be into that?

Family trees, get your family trees here!

Buy one, get one free!

HE SCATS BADLY

Oh, what is he doing?

Family trees, get your family trees!

Project Melon turned out better than I hoped.

You sat on the chair without someone warming it up!

I did, didn't I, Sam?

And you got her name right!

-What will the new old Melon do?

-Write a song about us?

Take his bodyguards on tour?

-Get back into the studio with his talented relative?

-You guys!

-I can't do any of those things!

-Didn't we help you?

You have! Doing all that crazy stuff, like brushing my own teeth,

made me realise all the great times I've had. So great, in fact,

-I don't want to ruin the memories.

-So what'll you do?

-Retire!

What?

You know what they say, go out on a high!

I told my agent. He's putting together a best-of album

and a lifetime-achievement film.

And the industry movers and shakers?

I sent them all an e-mail saying how great you are!

-You did?

-After all you've done for me, least I could do!

If anyone needed a new look or to learn line-dancing, you're the girl.

-That's great, but...

-TING! Got to go.

Cheryl and I are off to the Bahamas. She just loves those fruity drinks

with the umbrellas!

-In the private jet?

-Of course not! I'm a changed man.

A normal plane like regular people. I'm really excited.

Cheerio.

There goes my dream of piggy-backing on his success,

a lead role in a movie, recording a soundtrack and being famous.

Forget that! There goes my dream of eating off solid-gold plates!

Pooping on a solid-gold toilet!

We were too good at reconnecting Melon to his roots.

Not only did we de-Melon him, we put him out to seed.

He'll be in my dad's allotment!

Well, at least you know talent runs in your family.

By the way, just spoke to my mum

and apparently I'm adopted! Who knew?

-So we're not related?

-Guess not.

But if we were, I'd be the luckiest long-lost relative around!

Cheerio!

I know you're disappointed,

but I bet you fame is somewhere in your family. We could...

It's OK. After one almost long-lost relative

I realise I'm happy with my family here in this house.

Even if you are all completely mad!

That was a blast! We should have another family reunion very soon!

Without the family?

Of course! Such a good idea not inviting them.

-Bet they didn't take it too well when you told them.

-You did.

-No, I was organising...

-RUMBLING

-Transporter's activated.

-Which means...

-Yoo-hoo! We're here for the party!

-Sorry we're late.

Cousin Ushee blew up the ship, so we had to catch the space bus.

You better not have maggot punch again. I'm allergic!

Aaargh!

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