Who Do You Think You Aren't? Dani's House


Who Do You Think You Aren't?

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress. Dani discovers a famous branch of her family tree who has definitely lost touch with his roots!


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Transcript


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This is exciting! The Zarg and Zak family reunion party on our ship!

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I never expected it

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after you forgot who you were for three light years!

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The decorations are sorted.

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All we need to do is make the maggot punch.

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-I wonder who'll arrive first.

-My Aunt Zak.

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You said she wasn't coming! Oh!

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-Aunt Ushi's coming too.

-She's not bring your cousin Ushee?

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'Fraid so, but he promised no explosions.

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The ringing in my ears just stopped from when he blew up the engine!

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Cancel the party!

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Say the transporter's not working.

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That way we can watch Dani's House without everyone talking.

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Mmm...

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Ouch!

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Hi, my name's Dani, and this is my...

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-Best friend, Jack!

-Yeah, but...

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-Where was I?

-You're Dani, I'm your best friend too, Sam.

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As I was saying, this is my...

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-Max!

-I'm her brother and it's... Ben?

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What? Oh, if I was...

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Can you just zip it?

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So, my name's Dani and this is my...

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-EVERYONE TALKS AT ONCE

-I give up!

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SHOUTING

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Great idea! There's bound to be a priceless antique here

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that we can flog on Junk In Your Trunk.

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And I think I may have found two.

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These prototypes are two very rare Ming Dynasty bowls.

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-You're telling me those are worth money?

-Let's see.

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The last pair went to auction for...

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..20 million pounds...each!

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Jack! They have to be intact. The slightest touch can damage them.

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-DOORBELL

-Woo-hoo!

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Oh!

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Wait. Those are the origami bowls I made you for your fifth birthday.

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My bad!

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-Nothing interesting.

-I've got something.

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That's an old document full of boring stuff.

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The kind of thing librarians and teachers with dandruff drool over.

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It's maybe your family tree.

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Yes, it is. See? These lines trace Dani's family way...way back!

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-So I can see my ancestors on this?

-Yep!

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Who will you be related to?

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Someone famous! This talent's from somewhere.

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Family trees, get your family trees here!

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-What's the name, darlin'?

-Dani.

-Dani?

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Ah, here we go!

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The Dani family tree!

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Wow! That's Mum...and Dad...

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and Max...! I always hoped he'd be switched at birth!

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Uncle Sam...Aunt Sheila...

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Miley Cyrus?

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Zac Efron! I always knew fame would run in the family!

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Anyone can see you've got star quality!

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You going to buy it or what?

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It's pretty expensive!

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Oh! Is that a yeti?

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-Can't see it.

-Must've just been a rug.

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Anyways, look at this!

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Check that for star power!

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-Did you just stick those on?

-Is that a flying saucer?

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-You are related to someone famous!

-I knew it. Who is it?

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Andrew Bore, the famous writer.

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-He wrote A Bore's Guide To Atoms, changed my life!

-Is that it?

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-No-one else.

-Zapper?

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-So I'm related to this guy here? Lionel Leonard Zapper.

-You know him?

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Yeah! Lionel Leonard Zapper is the real name of Melon Jones!

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Superstar singer and actor?

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The Nobel Prize winner for saving snails?

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-Is there another Melon Jones?

-SCREAMING

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-The sumo suits!

-That was quick.

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Once we're inflated we'll be ready for training.

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-Awesome! Will it take long?

-No! Two weeks.

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So in two weeks' time... That tickles!

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-..we'll go to Japan as sumo wrestlers.

-Treated like gods...

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just like the documentary said.

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This is the life, Ben!

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I know, I love being a god.

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O, great masters, you have been called upon by Okuma.

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That isn't the goddess of food again? I'm still full!

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That was Okimuchi.

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Okuma is Japan's most feared warrior.

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-What's he want?

-To fight, divine one.

-Fight?

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You're wrestlers. That's what you do!

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As gods, we can instruct others to fight for us, right?

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-Of course.

-You want to exchange your slippers

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for something sturdier before fighting him.

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Good advice. Okuma likes to attack the feet.

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I'm a messenger, not a warrior!

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I can't fight!

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My muscles have been trained to open envelopes! Envelopes!

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Tell Mr Jones his long-lost musically inclined relative Dani

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is waiting to hear back.

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Melon's agent's cleaner's number was useful!

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You're related to Melon Jones. I loved him in the yodelling cows film.

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You mean this one?

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The Sound Of Moo-sic! Classic!

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I always knew fame would run in the family!

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SHOUTING

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I can't wait to meet Melon. He'll be a good replacement for Max.

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SHOUTING AND MOANING

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-I haven't seen Max this helpless since he was in nappies!

-Help us up!

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-Why the silly suits?

-We want to be sumo wrestlers,

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move to Japan and live like gods.

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-That's the most stupid thing I've ever heard!

-I know.

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Unless you can actually do that!

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Don't let me stop you moving abroad!

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-DOORBELL

-Oh, doorbell!

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I need the loo!

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AMERICAN ACCENT: Cousin! I got your message and came right away!

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Imagine! Melon Jones has a long-lost relative!

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You're family too?

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-You?

-I wish!

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Only family can touch Melon Jones!

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What fun, I'm glad we didn't cancel our party.

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There's no law says a family reunion has to have family!

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I think there is. Party regulation 425, clause 31b?

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-Oh, yes...

-I won't tell if you don't.

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-I didn't see anything.

-Nor me.

-I wasn't even here.

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So you won't mind if I finish the maggot punch?

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Great room, wonderful vibe. Cheryl would love it.

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Cheryl as in Cheryl Cole?

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No, Cheryl as in my pet pig.

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I'll just sit down over...there.

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I like to have my seats pre-warmed.

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Oh, of course you do.

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-Thank you, Penny.

-It's Dani.

-That's what I meant.

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So tell me all about yourself.

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Well, I just...it's such an honour having you here. I'm a huge fan!

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-Me too. I'm Jack, by the way.

-I'm Sam.

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Nothing makes me happier than meeting my fans.

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Where do you keep the oxygen?

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-The what?

-I like to have an inhalation every hour.

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- To refresh my aura. - Plenty in the air...

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and if it's refreshment you want, I'm sure we can get a glass of something.

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-Do you have any polar ice shakes?

-A glass of water?

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-Or cola?

-Only white food and drink passes these lips.

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-Other colours clash with my colon.

-How about milk?

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Organic Egyptian camel's milk?

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Then I'll just have the glass. Luckily, I carry my own!

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Family!

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MOANING AND GROANING

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I can't do it any more, Max, I'm too tired.

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It's OK, Ben. We tried our best.

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Max, if this is it, it was great knowing you.

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Right back at you! No-one could ask for a better best mate.

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-I'm starving.

-Me too!

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One...

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two...

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-three!

-Thank goodness! I wasn't ready to die.

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Didn't you say we had to train non-stop, no toilet breaks even?

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Eating is part of our training so that doesn't count.

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-You escaped?

-No thanks to you!

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-Chocolate-chip biccies, eh? Who are you trying to impress?

-No-one!

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There's a spider, these are to lure it and this is to trap it.

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Aaargh!

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It's in the living room!

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I know you're lying, I've seen what happens when you find a spider...

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Eeeek! Spider!

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Eeeek! Spider!

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Aaargh! Ooh, spider!

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-SPLAT!

-That should do the trick!

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I still have the scar!

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OK, look, you're bound to find out.

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We are related to one of the world's most famous entertainers

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-and he's here now.

-Yeah? Whoo!

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No, not you.

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-Don't tell me Jason Limbersnake is here!

-No, but Melon Jones is!

-Oh.

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Not really a fan of his.

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The singing cows gave me the willies.

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Come on, Ben, Japan is...history! Change of plan!

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LAUGHTER

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Melon Jones, Max.

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Dani's brother, which makes me family and your biggest fan!

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So I told Madonna I wanted to learn the splits.

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She asked me how flexible I was.

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I said I could only do Mondays and Wednesdays!

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Have the suits cut the blood to your brain? What are you doing?

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No-one gets too close to Melon!

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-You his mother?

-His bodyguards!

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It's cool, guys. Ooh, chocolate-chip biscuits! My favourite!

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If they're white-chocolate chips...

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-Oh.

-I could pick them out.

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Families, eh?

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-What are you doing?

-My family tree needs pruning!

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-Another celebrity story!

-What about the BAFTAs?

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Did your pet pig have another accident on stage?

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Couldn't make the BAFTAs. My helicopter was being serviced.

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-How about Beyonce's party?

-Couldn't make that either. I was...

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-getting my teeth whitened.

-What about the...?

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-You want to hear my latest work?

-Definitely!

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MUSIC STARTS

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HE SCATS BADLY

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What do you think?

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It's a new thing I'm trying. Mixing singing with jazz. I call it...

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-..snazz!

-More like snooze! That was awful.

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Er...it's...different!

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Never heard anything like it.

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I'm sure snazz will be the next big thing!

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I can't come up with the goods any more!

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-I thought snazz would help me.

-What did the record company think?

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Why? Who have you been talking to? Did Bruno send you?

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No, but you're their biggest star.

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Not any more...

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Thank you, James. Like I was saying...

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-I haven't had a hit in months.

-What's the problem?

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I'm a fake. What I mean is

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the real Melon Jones is Lionel Leonard Zapper,

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an ordinary guy. I'm not even from the USA.

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IRISH ACCENT: I'm Irish! Everyday life inspired me.

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Lionel Leonard Zapper became rich and successful.

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He went from ordinary to extraordinary and lost his way.

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Exactly. Who knew that having a private jet, more shoes than Mariah

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and a solid-gold bathroom could be a bad thing?

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Solid-gold toilet! Every young wannabe's dream!

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Hold on, I'm confused.

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If you're not Melon Jones, then who is?

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Let me guess! Is it Kofi?

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Max, can you explain?

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We think you need a reality check.

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I do...but how?

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Psychometric testing!

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I learnt techniques at psychology camp to help you reconnect.

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I didn't understand most of that, Suzie, but it sounded good.

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-But why help me?

-You're family.

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-I love testing people.

-Also if we get your career back on track,

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-you can introduce me to the movers and shakers.

-Debbie...

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Deal!

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Listen up, everyone, we are about to start Project Melon.

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-Our aim is to de-Melon Melon Jones.

-This won't hurt, will it?

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-I've a very low pain threshold.

-No. Well, maybe a little.

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To start, we need to work out what the big problem is.

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We'll do tests to see how comfortable you are in normal situations.

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The first one is a role-play where you're taking a ride on a bus

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and Jack is the bus driver.

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-What's a bus?

-Well, er...

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a bus is like your private helicopter

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except it has wheels, it can't fly

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-and lots of people you don't know use it too.

-Sounds terrible!

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But I'll give it a go!

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That'll be 89 pence, please, mate.

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I never carry cash. Send the bill to my butler.

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The passengers will engage in small talk with you.

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How about this weather? Looks like it might rain.

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It does? Aaargh! I'm allergic to rain!

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-It's not actually raining, Melon.

-Oh? Good.

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What about the price of onions these days?

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Stop the bus!

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SCREECH!

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Wow! These guys are great at role-play! What's wrong?

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This old lady is complaining about the cost of onions.

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As chairman of Onions Incorporated,

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all it takes is one call to my broker

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and the price will drop quicker than Cheryl's perm in the rain!

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Look at me! An average guy travelling on the...what was it?

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ALL: Bus.

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This is to see how you do with everyday home stuff.

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We've recreated a bathroom. That is the bath, that is the sink

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and that is the toilet.

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Not that you'll need it. It's just to make this true to life.

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I don't think so! If you're going for a true-to-life bathroom,

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where's the iced tea, steam room and diamante towel holder?

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We want to see your washing routine.

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The thing you do before you go to bed or in the morning.

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Which one? They're very different.

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-Going to bed.

-Oh, that's easy. Where's the massage table?

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I'll regret asking, but what are you doing?

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My going-to-bed bathroom routine. I lie on the massage table

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while my butler runs my bath. Then he brushes my teeth.

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Isn't that what everyone does?

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How is your morning routine different?

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I bath first, then brush my teeth.

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Right!

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Right, now, you, me and Jack are at home, hanging out, playing a game.

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I've always wanted to hang out! I never knew what it was.

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Dude, you do need reconnecting!

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-It's your turn, what will you do?

-Cheating is not acceptable.

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I don't need to cheat!

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I play this all the time with my butler and Cheryl. I always win.

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Queen takes king, dog beats cat, snap, I buy two houses and...

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..checkmate! Don't tell me I didn't win that fair and square!

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It's clear you have absolutely no grasp on reality.

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I'm really sorry. I had no idea you actually took turns in games.

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It's OK. Now we know the problems

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Sam and Jack can start on Project Melon phase two and three.

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So I've passed phase one?

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No, we're getting to that.

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Max, Ben...

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Being Melon Jones has isolated you.

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It has made you arrogant, big-headed,

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-always thinking you're right.

-I don't!

-The sky is blue.

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The sky is green!

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-You may have a point.

-Phase one will help you.

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Is he ready?

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Take your positions.

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In wrestling everyone is equal, so don't expect any special treatment.

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Aaaargh!

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That's it. You're making an effort. You might win fair and square.

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Or maybe not.

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-I don't think this will work.

-It's early days and he's keen to change.

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He wants his sandwiches colour-coded.

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I know, but we're doing the best we can.

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Finding out I'm related to him explains so much.

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I know where I get my talent and why I need to entertain.

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-And flop sweat when you're nervous? Melon does that too.

-Yeah.

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If Melon can't handle the fame...

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I don't want to be famous if it means picking bits out of food

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-or having my socks ironed.

-You don't iron!

-You know what I mean.

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I could end up like him. Too much Melon, not enough seed.

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Now for phase two.

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Melon Jones is in a fashion rut. Time for an image change.

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I don't know about messing with my look.

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I'm the Frankenstein of fashion.

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That's not a good thing. Change is good.

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If you say so.

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Maybe not this one.

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-Sorry, Sam. Too boring.

-What...?

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That is way too clashy. That many colours should be illegal.

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I think we've found your new image!

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It's been hard, but we made it. Phase three - final phase of Project Melon.

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However, this stage is the hardest,

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the most likely to take him out his comfort zone.

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-Sleeping without my teddies?

-Listening to music.

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-That's hardly painful. I love music.

-Not all music.

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I know you don't love heavy metal.

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Not that, anything but that!

0:22:020:22:05

You wanted to reconnect with reality.

0:22:070:22:10

What's more real than a sweaty mosh pit?

0:22:100:22:13

Take it away, Jack!

0:22:130:22:15

HEAVY METAL MUSIC

0:22:150:22:18

Don't fight it, Melon!

0:22:250:22:27

Give in to the inner metal head!

0:22:290:22:32

That's more like it.

0:22:370:22:39

Listen to different music to get your mojo back!

0:22:390:22:43

Like disco!

0:22:430:22:45

DISCO MUSIC PLAYS

0:22:450:22:49

I haven't listened to disco since I was ten

0:22:490:22:52

and my mum put me in a spandex cat suit for a talent contest!

0:22:520:22:56

- I still have nightmares about it! - The past is the past.

0:22:560:23:00

-Let it go!

-Yeah, embrace it, let the music flow through your body!

0:23:000:23:05

Like my nanna's superhot curry!

0:23:050:23:07

Yeah!

0:23:070:23:09

To round it off, the music of the man in the street!

0:23:090:23:12

-The blues?

-No, silly, country and western!

0:23:120:23:16

COUNTRY-AND-WESTERN MUSIC

0:23:160:23:19

-Yeeha!

-Yeeha!

0:23:240:23:27

Arriba, arriba!

0:23:270:23:28

Giddy-up!

0:23:280:23:30

I can't thank you enough. I feel like me old self again!

0:23:410:23:45

Glad to be of service, boss.

0:23:450:23:47

Forget snazz, say hello to pzazz,

0:23:480:23:51

cos Melon Jones is back!

0:23:510:23:53

Thank goodness! Snazz would've ruined his career.

0:23:560:24:00

What kind of idiot would be into that?

0:24:000:24:03

Family trees, get your family trees here!

0:24:050:24:08

Buy one, get one free!

0:24:080:24:10

HE SCATS BADLY

0:24:270:24:30

Oh, what is he doing?

0:24:330:24:36

Family trees, get your family trees!

0:24:380:24:42

Project Melon turned out better than I hoped.

0:24:440:24:47

You sat on the chair without someone warming it up!

0:24:470:24:51

I did, didn't I, Sam?

0:24:510:24:52

And you got her name right!

0:24:520:24:54

-What will the new old Melon do?

-Write a song about us?

0:24:540:24:58

Take his bodyguards on tour?

0:24:580:25:00

-Get back into the studio with his talented relative?

-You guys!

0:25:000:25:05

-I can't do any of those things!

-Didn't we help you?

0:25:050:25:08

You have! Doing all that crazy stuff, like brushing my own teeth,

0:25:080:25:13

made me realise all the great times I've had. So great, in fact,

0:25:130:25:17

-I don't want to ruin the memories.

-So what'll you do?

-Retire!

0:25:170:25:21

What?

0:25:210:25:22

You know what they say, go out on a high!

0:25:220:25:25

I told my agent. He's putting together a best-of album

0:25:250:25:28

and a lifetime-achievement film.

0:25:280:25:31

And the industry movers and shakers?

0:25:310:25:33

I sent them all an e-mail saying how great you are!

0:25:330:25:37

-You did?

-After all you've done for me, least I could do!

0:25:370:25:40

If anyone needed a new look or to learn line-dancing, you're the girl.

0:25:400:25:45

-That's great, but...

-TING! Got to go.

0:25:450:25:48

Cheryl and I are off to the Bahamas. She just loves those fruity drinks

0:25:480:25:53

with the umbrellas!

0:25:530:25:54

-In the private jet?

-Of course not! I'm a changed man.

0:25:540:25:58

A normal plane like regular people. I'm really excited.

0:25:580:26:02

Cheerio.

0:26:040:26:06

There goes my dream of piggy-backing on his success,

0:26:070:26:11

a lead role in a movie, recording a soundtrack and being famous.

0:26:110:26:14

Forget that! There goes my dream of eating off solid-gold plates!

0:26:140:26:20

Pooping on a solid-gold toilet!

0:26:200:26:22

We were too good at reconnecting Melon to his roots.

0:26:220:26:26

Not only did we de-Melon him, we put him out to seed.

0:26:260:26:28

He'll be in my dad's allotment!

0:26:280:26:31

Well, at least you know talent runs in your family.

0:26:310:26:34

By the way, just spoke to my mum

0:26:340:26:38

and apparently I'm adopted! Who knew?

0:26:380:26:42

-So we're not related?

-Guess not.

0:26:420:26:44

But if we were, I'd be the luckiest long-lost relative around!

0:26:440:26:49

Cheerio!

0:26:500:26:52

I know you're disappointed,

0:26:520:26:54

but I bet you fame is somewhere in your family. We could...

0:26:540:26:57

It's OK. After one almost long-lost relative

0:26:570:27:00

I realise I'm happy with my family here in this house.

0:27:000:27:04

Even if you are all completely mad!

0:27:090:27:12

That was a blast! We should have another family reunion very soon!

0:27:130:27:18

Without the family?

0:27:180:27:20

Of course! Such a good idea not inviting them.

0:27:200:27:23

-Bet they didn't take it too well when you told them.

-You did.

0:27:230:27:27

-No, I was organising...

-RUMBLING

0:27:270:27:29

-Transporter's activated.

-Which means...

0:27:290:27:32

-Yoo-hoo! We're here for the party!

-Sorry we're late.

0:27:320:27:38

Cousin Ushee blew up the ship, so we had to catch the space bus.

0:27:380:27:42

You better not have maggot punch again. I'm allergic!

0:27:420:27:46

Aaargh!

0:27:460:27:49

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:27:540:27:58

E-mail [email protected]

0:27:580:28:02

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress, continuously left in charge of her annoying younger brother Max, his none-too-bright sidekick Ben and their youngest sibling - the baby from hell.

Dani discovers a famous branch of her family tree who has definitely lost touch with his roots! The now-famous celebrity comes to visit, but is truly on another wavelength, so the gang contrive a series of lessons to help get him get back to his real self.


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