Valentine Dani's House


Valentine

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress. Dani is upset that she has no date for Valentine's Day, but Max is making loads of money delivering flowers and candy.


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Transcript


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What have you done to our space cruiser?

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It's almost Valentine's Day, so I'm getting in the festive spirit.

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And what exactly is Valentine's Day?

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Ah. It is when the, erm, Val

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and the, er, Tine meet

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and they join to become "Val and Tine."

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You're making it up, aren't you?

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How many times, Coordinator?

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You must research human festivals before decorating the space cruiser!

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Doing research is so boring!

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Research is why we are here!

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-What are they?

-Chocolates. A common gift given on Valentine's Day.

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Ooh!

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They are yummy!

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Ah-ah! You have to study the festive before you eat the chocs.

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-But you're eating them!

-I don't care about research. You do.

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Here. Use this Earth encyclopaedia.

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Now, come on, chop-chop. Do your research while I watch Dani's House.

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But...

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Mm! Yummy!

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Hi. My name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

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-Best friend, Jack!

-Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?

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Your name's Dani and I'm her best friend, too, Sam.

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As I was saying, this is my fantastic new...

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-Max!

-I'm her brother and, actually, it's... Ben?

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What? Oh, it's our show.

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Can you just zip it?

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As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

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-THEY SHOUT

-I give up!

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So, er, that's, erm, 100 bottles of chlorobutanoic acid,

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563 test tubes and, erm, 25 boiling tubes.

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-Thanks, Lucas.

-Sounds like you're working on something exciting.

-Yeah.

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So, er, anyway, I'd best be going.

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-Oh.

-Loads of other science equipment to deliver.

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Yeah, OK, Lucas. Er, see you soon!

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SHE SQUEALS

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Ah. True love.

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What, me? Love?

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-Of course not!

-SHE LAUGHS

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Ridiculous. Why would you think something like that?

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That's the third time he's been here this week.

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Just need a lot of stuff for my experiment.

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-So, er, what is this experiment, then?

-Pheromones.

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-What's that? Is that a new phone or something?

-No, animal perfumes.

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They're sort of chemical aromas that animals give off.

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Animals use them to make themselves attractive.

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Definitely not the smells I was thinking of.

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So what is it, then, some sort of love perfume? You spray it on

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and then the first boy you meet falls totally in love with you?

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It's a bit more complicated than that.

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Pheromones and related semiochemicals are transmitters...

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-Don't go all sciencey on me.

-But...

-Sam's making a love spray!

-Cool!

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I mean, not like I'd need anything like that, of course.

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-Oh, yeah.

-Er, I'm in enough demand already.

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I'm DJing at a major gig tonight. Only the Valentine's Ball.

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-HE IMITATES SCRATCHING RECORDS

-Valentine's Ball? But today's not...

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February? The 14th?

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SHE SCREAMS

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This is perfect, Ben. People phone us up,

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ask for a Valentine-a-gram, then you deliver the message of "true love"

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along with the hand-crafted card, some beautiful flowers

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-and a big bill from me. It's genius.

-PHONE RINGS

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Hello, madam, I am Maximilliano, king of romance.

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My Valentine-a-grams are at your service.

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We do last-minute cards, we sing and dance,

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we can provide flowers, chocs and be at the door within the hour.

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Our only desire is to make hearts' dreams come true.

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I can't believe I forgot it was Valentine's Day.

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I haven't even found myself a date.

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Some of us have more important things to do

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than spend Valentine's Day with Lu... with boys.

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Yeah, well, this girl's not going to be home alone on Valentine's.

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I'd offer to keep you company, but I'm DJing at the Valentine's Ball.

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Hanging out with celebrities. Ohh, yeah!

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What am I going to do?

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You know what a nightmare it is trying to get a date.

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Not a problem for DJ Jack, king of the Valentine disco.

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Well, DJ Jack doesn't have to contend with Max the Evil,

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king of the ruined dates.

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This is nice, isn't it, Jake? I'm having a great time.

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I'm Max, Dani's brother.

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MAX LAUGHS

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-Sam, any dating ideas?

-Erm, how about one of Jack's mates?

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-Are you serious?

-Oh, come on. I do have some decent mates, you know?

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-Other than me and Sam?

-Definitely!

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-Come with me.

-I know I'm going to regret this.

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Welcome to my Webspace page. On here is everyone I know in the world.

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-Wow! You know David Beckham?

-Er, no,

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-but I do know someone who pretends to be him on my Webspace page.

-Right.

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I'm sure I can find you a date from my enormous group of friends.

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-What sort of guy are you looking for?

-Oh, you know, the usual.

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Nice and attractive. He's got to be funny but serious at the same time.

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Clever but not too clever. Polite but not too polite.

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-And kind but not too kind.

-Whoa!

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Dani, have you ever thought you might be a teeny bit too picky?

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It's 11 o'clock and Valentine's Day is over in 13 hours.

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Got that? Over. Done. Completo. Endo. Finito.

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OK, maybe I'll be less choosy.

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-GLASS SMASHES

-Oh, no. Sam, you idiot.

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Oh, going well, then?

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I'm having a smashing time. Literally.

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I managed to knock over half the spray bottles.

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I just can't keep focused. I keep daydreaming.

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That's not like you, Sam.

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You know, you should really ask out that delivery guy if you fancy him.

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I'm just going to go order some more equipment.

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-So you can see Lucas.

-I need some more spray bottles.

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And if Lucas happens to deliver them, so be it.

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Er, Sam, you might want to tidy yourself up a bit first, eh?

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You're right, Dani. Got to look my best.

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For science, obviously.

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Yeah, and I need to look my best for the big gig.

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I might choose a new outfit for my fans.

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-Oh, no cameras. No cameras, please!

-Hi, Dani.

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-Why are you laughing?

-No reason. Er, why are you wearing that?

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I'm a Valentine-a-gram. I deliver flowers fresh from the garden,

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cards handmade by me and chocolates from the supermarket.

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Have you seen my chocolates anywhere? Oh!

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Oh!

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-Where did you go?

-You knocked me over.

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Now I'm covered in this spray stuff. Give me a hand up, will you, Ben?

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-HE GIGGLES

-Ben?

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Help me. Help me!

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Help me.

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Help me!

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Help me! Help me! Oh, help me!

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Please won't someone save me?

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Nobody's going to save you Rapunzel. You'll be my prisoner forever.

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-Forever, I tell you!

-SHE CACKLES

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SHE CACKLES

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OK! You're evil, I get the point.

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OK, I'm sorry.

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Oh, I wish someone would save me from this wicked witch.

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-Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.

-I knew I forgot something.

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Er, what's going on?

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Oh, you know, just chucking my hair out the window.

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Trying to get that sundried look.

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Phew! That's a long climb. And you need to sort out those split ends.

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Split ends? That's nothing. Just last week,

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she had eight birds and a squirrel nesting in all that hair.

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Weren't you here for a reason, Sir Ben?

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Oh, yeah.

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Fear not, Rapunzel, I'm here to save you.

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-Oh!

-My knight in shining armour!

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-This outfit does have a delightful twinkle.

-You're my hero!

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Ben?

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Ben!

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Ben! Do you want to give me a hand up?

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Ben, are you feeling OK?

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You went all funny after Sam's love spray thingy fell on me.

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Ben?

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That boy gets weirder every day.

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Where did Jack get to?

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HE SINGS

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Love is kind, love is true,

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today true love will come to you.

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It's like this card saw my future.

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Good. Right, time to press on.

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I need you to make a card for a Katy.

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-D...

-Ben, can't you spell?

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Katy's spelt with a K, not a D.

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-D...

-Ben, stop ruining the card!

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I need to go to my love, Max.

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Love? What love? What's with all this love rubbish?

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The only person you're going to is Katy with a nice big card.

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She loves me, she loves me not.

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Stop pulling that flower apart. Do you know how much it cost me?

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-Absolutely nothing.

-But that's not the point.

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-Look, just get on with the next delivery.

-Yes, Max.

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-Make sure you deliver them quickly this time!

-Yes, Max.

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-Ben, are you OK?

-Sam, you're clever, aren't you?

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-I did get straight As...

-Can you tell me about love?

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Love? Well, it's like my experiment.

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Animals send out these chemical signals

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as an extended phenotypical effect, which sets off receptor cells...

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I have no idea what that means. How do you get someone to love you?

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Ah. That's complicated. Too complicated for me, anyway.

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-But what if you want to ask someone out?

-What?

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I mean, you should never ask anyone out.

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What if they say no? It'd be so embarrassing!

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No-one will take you seriously. They'll say,

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"There goes singler Sam, the guyless geek."

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They'll laugh at you! Then how are you supposed to win the Nobel Prize?

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There's no way this girl's getting distracted by love, OK? No way!

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OK. Bye, Sam.

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Love sucks.

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Oh, yes, Madonna. Absolutely splendid, Angelina.

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Yeah, right, like they're going to be at your gig.

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I'm telling you, that place is going to be full of top names.

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And the people to go with them. All ready to get on down

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to the sounds of super-smooth mix-master J.

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-And who's he when he's around?

-The name goes with the new threads.

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The celebs will be putty in my hands.

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You'll be something in my hands if you can't get me a date.

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-Max can't have put them all off.

-He's my evil little brother.

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Seriously, I have no idea where it could've come from.

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-Fair point.

-Still, it's worth a try, I suppose. What have I got left?

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Come on, phone, don't fail me now.

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I'm sorry, madam.

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Ben, you've got all the orders wrong.

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-Sorry, Max. I can't concentrate.

-What's wrong with you?

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This is the perfect business. We could be making so much money.

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-And yet you keep on mucking it all up.

-Sorry, Max.

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No apologies. Just sort it out.

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DOORBELL RINGS

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Hi, Sam. Here's your latest order. How's it going?

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Oh, erm, not too bad, I suppose.

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-Look, there's something I want to ask you.

-Right, er, OK.

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Well, erm...

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Well...

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-DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Lucas, erm...

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Do you... Do you want to...

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-Do you fancy going on a date?

-What?

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Oh, no, it's not late. It's only half past nine.

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Oh, no, no, no. Do you want to go on a date?

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Do I know your friend Kate? Sorry, never met her.

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-I said, do you want to go on a date?

-MUSIC STOPS

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A date? With you?

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Sorry and everything, but you must be joking.

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MUSIC RESUMES

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Yes? Sam?

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-Erm...

-You were... You were going to ask me something?

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-Nothing.

-Oh.

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OK, then. Right, well, er...

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See you, then.

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Right, here, Coordinator Zark, I've finished all my Valentine's research

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and I'm ready to eat all those yummy chocolates.

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Ah. Yeah, erm, about that...

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I can't wait to eat them. They taste better than otracean bile slime.

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-Erm, well...

-They're better than any food on our planet.

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And you're sure you've completed all your research, Coordinator?

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Oh, yes.

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Definitely.

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In that case, you'll know the most delicious thing about chocolates

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-is the box.

-What?

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I mean, oh, yes. Of course.

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I knew that. I read it. When I was researching.

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Excellent. Then have I got a special treat for you!

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Oh! That's so...

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..lovely.

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-Hi, Sam. How's it going?

-Badly.

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I'm having problems with my pheromone spray.

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How does this smell to you?

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Oh, that's even worse than my dad's aftershave.

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He uses Old McWurzel's Buffalo Sweat... Pour Homme.

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Thought so. I can't seem to concentrate on my work.

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I know how you feel.

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Ben, you know this Valentine-a-gram thing you're doing?

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-Do you think you could do me a favour?

-OK.

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Do you think you could work your Valentine-a-gram magic on Lucas

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-when you get back? I'll pay and everything.

-If you want me to.

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-At least I can do some good for someone.

-Do you do poems?

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-Oh, they're so romantic.

-No.

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-But I could.

-Perfect.

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Now all I need is an excuse to get Lucas to make another delivery.

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-GLASS SMASHES

-Oops! Clumsy me.

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I was just wondering if you wanted to go out tonight.

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For Valentine's.

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No, no, I remember what happened last time. I swear it won't...

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-He hung up.

-HE SINGS THEME FROM JAMES BOND

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Hiya. Didn't see you there.

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-What do you think you look like?

-Huh?

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The bit of fern sticking out of your jacket?

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Oh, this? Oh. I couldn't find anything for my buttonhole.

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Your garden's out of flowers. What's that about?

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I don't know and I don't really care.

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It's after five and I haven't found a date and you are not helping.

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Hi, Roger. It's Dani. How would you like to be my Valentine?

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No, no, he won't be there. Honest.

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-He hung up, too.

-Another of Max's victims?

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What do you think?

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-Is something the matter?

-No!

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No, not at all. It's just... everything's going so well.

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-Is that a problem?

-No. It's just me and dates. It's complicated.

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-Oh.

-But no worries. Can't see any sign of...

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I mean, I'm sure tonight's going to be fine.

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Oh, it's my favourite.

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Wait!

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MAX LAUGHS

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Oh, come on, Dani. You're bound to find someone.

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Will I, Jack? Will I? Or are you just saying that?

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Am I going to be alone again this Valentine's Day?

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DOORBELL RINGS Er, doorbell.

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Whoever it is, I bet it won't be a date.

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-Hi, Lucas.

-Sam. Hi.

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-Here's your new test tubes.

-Thanks.

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Erm, I've got something for you, too, actually.

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-Ben!

-Yeah, coming.

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I wanted to tell you something, but I couldn't find the words.

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-This will explain.

-Oh!

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Ohhh!

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There's a poem.

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It's coming.

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You are to me the dearest flower,

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-Your beauty growing by the hour.

-OK. If you say so.

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My heart aches when you pass me by,

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I cannot speak, but only sigh.

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Oh. Really?

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I look at you and slowly drown within your shining eyes of brown.

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Blue. But, again, nice thought.

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I long to touch your raven hair and hold your tiny hand so fair.

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You're so delicate and fragrant, it's just uncanny,

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that's why you drive me crazy, Da...

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Er, Lucas.

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Was that really the best you could come up with? Seriously?

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That wasn't exactly what I had planned.

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-Do you really think I've got tiny hands?

-No! I want my money back!

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Well, er, thanks for the, erm...

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I've got to go. Things to deliver, you know.

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And I might hit the gym. Try and bulk up a bit.

0:20:010:20:06

-No, but...

-Lucas, wait.

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Sam's too shy to tell you, so I will.

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She's only been ordering loads of stuff from you

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-because she likes you and wants to go out with you.

-Really?

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I...

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-I had no idea.

-I didn't think you'd be interested.

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But that's why I always come round so quickly.

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-I keep trying to pluck up the courage to ask you out, too.

-You have?

0:20:270:20:30

Yeah.

0:20:300:20:32

Wow!

0:20:330:20:35

-These two are hopeless.

-Honestly.

0:20:350:20:37

Right, Sam, you like Lucas, Lucas, you like Sam.

0:20:370:20:40

-Oh, right, er, we should...

-Exactly. Go, love birds.

0:20:400:20:45

-And have a great time.

-Thanks, Dani.

0:20:450:20:48

-Nice one, Dani.

-Looks like it's just you and me.

0:20:490:20:52

Actually, it's just you and you.

0:20:520:20:54

I've got to get my stuff ready and head off to the big gig.

0:20:540:20:57

Wouldn't want to leave my superstar fans waiting. Will you be all right?

0:20:570:21:01

Yeah, I'll be fine. What's better than spending Valentine's night in

0:21:010:21:05

with some popcorn and a DVD? On your own?

0:21:050:21:08

All right, then. See you!

0:21:080:21:10

Well, I guess that just leaves...

0:21:150:21:17

..me, then. Oh, well.

0:21:180:21:21

You heard what Dani said.

0:21:230:21:25

If I don't tell her, she'll never know how I feel.

0:21:250:21:28

-Dani.

-Yeah?

-I was wondering if you wanted to be my...

-There you are!

0:21:310:21:34

Dani!

0:21:340:21:37

-Ahh.

-Ahh.

0:21:380:21:41

-Ahh.

-Ahh.

0:21:410:21:43

-I've never been happier, Sir Ben.

-Together forever.

0:21:430:21:46

-Not if I can help it, you won't be!

-SHE SCREAMS

0:21:470:21:51

-Sir Maximilian!

-Ha! I've found you, Rapunzel.

0:21:510:21:54

-I knew you'd be hiding here.

-Did you?

0:21:540:21:57

-The hair dangling out the window was a bit of a giveaway.

-Oops.

0:21:570:22:01

Well, well, well, Sir Ben.

0:22:010:22:03

Looks like you've made yourself quite comfortable here.

0:22:030:22:07

You can't separate me and Rapunzel. We will never be parted!

0:22:070:22:11

-Oh, yes, you will.

-How dare you? I will fight you.

0:22:110:22:15

Oh, really?

0:22:150:22:17

-I've never lost a battle.

-Go on then, Sir Ben.

0:22:180:22:22

Wait a sec. Why's everything gone dark?

0:22:230:22:25

-This is too easy.

-SHE SCREAMS

0:22:250:22:29

Anybody out there? Anybody? Rapunzel?

0:22:300:22:34

-Look what you did to your costume. It's ruined.

-But you...

0:22:360:22:39

-No, this is the final straw, Ben. You're fired.

-Fired?

0:22:390:22:43

Yes, fired.

0:22:430:22:46

I have to smooth things over with all the customers you've annoyed

0:22:480:22:51

and finish the deliveries myself. I'm very disappointed with you!

0:22:510:22:55

-Sorry, Max.

-Think yourself lucky I've got this spare costume.

0:22:550:23:00

'Flowers, chocolates, Dani.

0:23:030:23:07

'Flowers, chocolates, Dani!'

0:23:070:23:10

Ah. Aftershave.

0:23:120:23:14

McWurzel's Buffalo Sweat... Pour Homme, if I'm not mistaken.

0:23:160:23:22

This should give me the right professional air.

0:23:230:23:25

ROMANTIC MUSIC

0:23:270:23:30

Love Weekly? Your weekly guide to love and romance.

0:23:350:23:39

100 most lovely and romantic ways to spend Valentine's Day.

0:23:390:23:43

DOORBELL RINGS

0:23:440:23:47

Er, hello?

0:23:520:23:54

-I am your date for tonight, madam.

-Really?

0:23:540:23:57

-Yes.

-Well, can I see your face?

0:23:570:24:00

Er, still can't see your face.

0:24:030:24:05

Max! I know this is one of your stupid jokes again!

0:24:070:24:11

-You are so dead!

-Dani, wait.

0:24:110:24:12

Dani, I can't keep quiet about it any longer.

0:24:120:24:17

Can't you see?

0:24:170:24:19

I'm in love with you!

0:24:190:24:21

Ben, this is Dani, remember?

0:24:220:24:25

The one you and Max spend your lives tormenting.

0:24:250:24:28

But my life is empty without you, my darling.

0:24:280:24:31

No, it isn't.

0:24:310:24:33

Your life would be empty without slaving for Max.

0:24:330:24:36

Or watching too much telly and being weird.

0:24:360:24:39

I need you! I've needed you all my life!

0:24:390:24:42

-Well, at least since this morning.

-Did you say this morning?

0:24:420:24:46

Yeah. Why?

0:24:460:24:48

Sam's making a love spray!

0:24:500:24:53

You knocked me over! Now I'm covered in this spray stuff.

0:24:530:24:56

BOTH: Ohhh!

0:24:560:24:59

-So when Sam's experiment thingy spilt on you...

-It made you fancy me.

0:24:590:25:02

That explains it. I've never fancied anyone before.

0:25:020:25:05

-It feels a bit like having a sicky tummy.

-I wonder when it'll wear off.

0:25:050:25:09

Actually, I think it might have already.

0:25:110:25:13

Suddenly I don't find you very attractive at all.

0:25:130:25:16

Oh, well, thank you very much.

0:25:160:25:18

No, I didn't mean... I just meant... HE SIGHS

0:25:180:25:22

Ben?

0:25:250:25:27

You don't need to go. Everyone is out. We can still have a good time.

0:25:270:25:31

Yeah, OK.

0:25:310:25:33

-This has been great, Dani. Thanks.

-No, thank you.

0:25:340:25:38

I would've been all on my own if it wasn't for you.

0:25:380:25:40

That was probably the worst night of my life.

0:25:400:25:43

-Max?

-Jack, what happened?

0:25:430:25:46

-Well...

-They wanted me as a bouncer, not a DJ!

0:25:460:25:48

I was stuck outside all night.

0:25:480:25:50

The most famous person I saw was me, reflected in a puddle.

0:25:500:25:55

-And I'm not even famous.

-Aww, poor Jack.

0:25:550:25:58

What about poor Max? I was chased by the neighbour's dog.

0:25:580:26:03

I had to hide in a bin. I'll smell like old cabbage for weeks.

0:26:030:26:07

-You didn't use some of that spray, did you?

-This aftershave? Yes.

0:26:080:26:11

BOTH: Nooooo!

0:26:110:26:14

ROMANTIC MUSIC

0:26:150:26:17

Come to me, my beloved one.

0:26:210:26:23

Max. Help!

0:26:250:26:28

-Help!

-Come to me, I love you!

0:26:280:26:30

Aghh!

0:26:330:26:35

THEY LAUGH

0:26:350:26:37

Oh, another fantastic episode of Dani's House.

0:26:380:26:42

What did you think, Coordinator?

0:26:420:26:44

Cheer up, Coordinator. It was only a joke.

0:26:450:26:48

You tricked me into eating an entire cardboard box! I...

0:26:480:26:52

HIS STOMACH RUMBLES My stomach has never hurt so much.

0:26:520:26:56

Oh, I'm sorry. I think you should have some human medicine,

0:26:560:27:00

help settle your stomach. I'll beam some aboard now.

0:27:000:27:04

Thank you, Coordinator.

0:27:060:27:09

Oh.

0:27:160:27:17

-Are you all right, Coordinator?

-Yes, I'm...in love with you.

0:27:240:27:30

What?

0:27:300:27:31

Sam's love experiment? Oops. Wrong bottle.

0:27:330:27:37

Hugs.

0:27:380:27:40

SHE SCREAMS

0:27:400:27:41

Oh, Coordinator! Hugs! SHE SCREAMS

0:27:410:27:43

-No, don't hug me!

-Hugging!

-You're not my type!

-Course I am!

0:27:450:27:49

-Go away!

-Come on!

0:27:490:27:52

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:540:28:00

# Let's lift these chains

0:28:000:28:02

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea...

0:28:020:28:06

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:28:060:28:10

E-mail [email protected]

0:28:100:28:14

.

0:28:140:28:14

Dani is upset that she has no date for Valentine's Day, but Max is making loads of money delivering flowers and candy to love-struck clients via Ben dressed up as a cherub. While Sam is doing research on animal hormones, Dani breaks a bottle by mistake. The 'love potion' falls on Dani and makes her an object of accidental love for, of all people, Ben!


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