Valentine Dani's House

What have you done to our space cruiser?

It's almost Valentine's Day, so I'm getting in the festive spirit.

And what exactly is Valentine's Day?

Ah. It is when the, erm, Val

and the, er, Tine meet

and they join to become "Val and Tine."

You're making it up, aren't you?

How many times, Coordinator?

You must research human festivals before decorating the space cruiser!

Doing research is so boring!

Research is why we are here!

-What are they?

-Chocolates. A common gift given on Valentine's Day.

Ooh!

They are yummy!

Ah-ah! You have to study the festive before you eat the chocs.

-But you're eating them!

-I don't care about research. You do.

Here. Use this Earth encyclopaedia.

Now, come on, chop-chop. Do your research while I watch Dani's House.

But...

Mm! Yummy!

Hi. My name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

-Best friend, Jack!

-Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?

Your name's Dani and I'm her best friend, too, Sam.

As I was saying, this is my fantastic new...

-Max!

-I'm her brother and, actually, it's... Ben?

What? Oh, it's our show.

Can you just zip it?

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

-THEY SHOUT

-I give up!

So, er, that's, erm, 100 bottles of chlorobutanoic acid,

563 test tubes and, erm, 25 boiling tubes.

-Thanks, Lucas.

-Sounds like you're working on something exciting.

-Yeah.

So, er, anyway, I'd best be going.

-Oh.

-Loads of other science equipment to deliver.

Yeah, OK, Lucas. Er, see you soon!

SHE SQUEALS

Ah. True love.

What, me? Love?

-Of course not!

-SHE LAUGHS

Ridiculous. Why would you think something like that?

That's the third time he's been here this week.

Just need a lot of stuff for my experiment.

-So, er, what is this experiment, then?

-Pheromones.

-What's that? Is that a new phone or something?

-No, animal perfumes.

They're sort of chemical aromas that animals give off.

Animals use them to make themselves attractive.

Definitely not the smells I was thinking of.

So what is it, then, some sort of love perfume? You spray it on

and then the first boy you meet falls totally in love with you?

It's a bit more complicated than that.

Pheromones and related semiochemicals are transmitters...

-Don't go all sciencey on me.

-But...

-Sam's making a love spray!

-Cool!

I mean, not like I'd need anything like that, of course.

-Oh, yeah.

-Er, I'm in enough demand already.

I'm DJing at a major gig tonight. Only the Valentine's Ball.

-HE IMITATES SCRATCHING RECORDS

-Valentine's Ball? But today's not...

February? The 14th?

SHE SCREAMS

This is perfect, Ben. People phone us up,

ask for a Valentine-a-gram, then you deliver the message of "true love"

along with the hand-crafted card, some beautiful flowers

-and a big bill from me. It's genius.

-PHONE RINGS

Hello, madam, I am Maximilliano, king of romance.

My Valentine-a-grams are at your service.

We do last-minute cards, we sing and dance,

we can provide flowers, chocs and be at the door within the hour.

Our only desire is to make hearts' dreams come true.

I can't believe I forgot it was Valentine's Day.

I haven't even found myself a date.

Some of us have more important things to do

than spend Valentine's Day with Lu... with boys.

Yeah, well, this girl's not going to be home alone on Valentine's.

I'd offer to keep you company, but I'm DJing at the Valentine's Ball.

Hanging out with celebrities. Ohh, yeah!

What am I going to do?

You know what a nightmare it is trying to get a date.

Not a problem for DJ Jack, king of the Valentine disco.

Well, DJ Jack doesn't have to contend with Max the Evil,

king of the ruined dates.

This is nice, isn't it, Jake? I'm having a great time.

I'm Max, Dani's brother.

MAX LAUGHS

-Sam, any dating ideas?

-Erm, how about one of Jack's mates?

-Are you serious?

-Oh, come on. I do have some decent mates, you know?

-Other than me and Sam?

-Definitely!

-Come with me.

-I know I'm going to regret this.

Welcome to my Webspace page. On here is everyone I know in the world.

-Wow! You know David Beckham?

-Er, no,

-but I do know someone who pretends to be him on my Webspace page.

-Right.

I'm sure I can find you a date from my enormous group of friends.

-What sort of guy are you looking for?

-Oh, you know, the usual.

Nice and attractive. He's got to be funny but serious at the same time.

Clever but not too clever. Polite but not too polite.

-And kind but not too kind.

-Whoa!

Dani, have you ever thought you might be a teeny bit too picky?

It's 11 o'clock and Valentine's Day is over in 13 hours.

Got that? Over. Done. Completo. Endo. Finito.

OK, maybe I'll be less choosy.

-GLASS SMASHES

-Oh, no. Sam, you idiot.

Oh, going well, then?

I'm having a smashing time. Literally.

I managed to knock over half the spray bottles.

I just can't keep focused. I keep daydreaming.

That's not like you, Sam.

You know, you should really ask out that delivery guy if you fancy him.

I'm just going to go order some more equipment.

-So you can see Lucas.

-I need some more spray bottles.

And if Lucas happens to deliver them, so be it.

Er, Sam, you might want to tidy yourself up a bit first, eh?

You're right, Dani. Got to look my best.

For science, obviously.

Yeah, and I need to look my best for the big gig.

I might choose a new outfit for my fans.

-Oh, no cameras. No cameras, please!

-Hi, Dani.

-Why are you laughing?

-No reason. Er, why are you wearing that?

I'm a Valentine-a-gram. I deliver flowers fresh from the garden,

cards handmade by me and chocolates from the supermarket.

Have you seen my chocolates anywhere? Oh!

Oh!

-Where did you go?

-You knocked me over.

Now I'm covered in this spray stuff. Give me a hand up, will you, Ben?

-HE GIGGLES

-Ben?

Help me. Help me!

Help me.

Help me!

Help me! Help me! Oh, help me!

Please won't someone save me?

Nobody's going to save you Rapunzel. You'll be my prisoner forever.

-Forever, I tell you!

-SHE CACKLES

SHE CACKLES

OK! You're evil, I get the point.

OK, I'm sorry.

Oh, I wish someone would save me from this wicked witch.

-Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair.

-I knew I forgot something.

Er, what's going on?

Oh, you know, just chucking my hair out the window.

Trying to get that sundried look.

Phew! That's a long climb. And you need to sort out those split ends.

Split ends? That's nothing. Just last week,

she had eight birds and a squirrel nesting in all that hair.

Weren't you here for a reason, Sir Ben?

Oh, yeah.

Fear not, Rapunzel, I'm here to save you.

-Oh!

-My knight in shining armour!

-This outfit does have a delightful twinkle.

-You're my hero!

Ben?

Ben!

Ben! Do you want to give me a hand up?

Ben, are you feeling OK?

You went all funny after Sam's love spray thingy fell on me.

Ben?

That boy gets weirder every day.

Where did Jack get to?

HE SINGS

Love is kind, love is true,

today true love will come to you.

It's like this card saw my future.

Good. Right, time to press on.

I need you to make a card for a Katy.

-D...

-Ben, can't you spell?

Katy's spelt with a K, not a D.

-D...

-Ben, stop ruining the card!

I need to go to my love, Max.

Love? What love? What's with all this love rubbish?

The only person you're going to is Katy with a nice big card.

She loves me, she loves me not.

Stop pulling that flower apart. Do you know how much it cost me?

-Absolutely nothing.

-But that's not the point.

-Look, just get on with the next delivery.

-Yes, Max.

-Make sure you deliver them quickly this time!

-Yes, Max.

-Ben, are you OK?

-Sam, you're clever, aren't you?

-I did get straight As...

-Can you tell me about love?

Love? Well, it's like my experiment.

Animals send out these chemical signals

as an extended phenotypical effect, which sets off receptor cells...

I have no idea what that means. How do you get someone to love you?

Ah. That's complicated. Too complicated for me, anyway.

-But what if you want to ask someone out?

-What?

I mean, you should never ask anyone out.

What if they say no? It'd be so embarrassing!

No-one will take you seriously. They'll say,

"There goes singler Sam, the guyless geek."

They'll laugh at you! Then how are you supposed to win the Nobel Prize?

There's no way this girl's getting distracted by love, OK? No way!

OK. Bye, Sam.

Love sucks.

Oh, yes, Madonna. Absolutely splendid, Angelina.

Yeah, right, like they're going to be at your gig.

I'm telling you, that place is going to be full of top names.

And the people to go with them. All ready to get on down

to the sounds of super-smooth mix-master J.

-And who's he when he's around?

-The name goes with the new threads.

The celebs will be putty in my hands.

You'll be something in my hands if you can't get me a date.

-Max can't have put them all off.

-He's my evil little brother.

Seriously, I have no idea where it could've come from.

-Fair point.

-Still, it's worth a try, I suppose. What have I got left?

Come on, phone, don't fail me now.

I'm sorry, madam.

Ben, you've got all the orders wrong.

-Sorry, Max. I can't concentrate.

-What's wrong with you?

This is the perfect business. We could be making so much money.

-And yet you keep on mucking it all up.

-Sorry, Max.

No apologies. Just sort it out.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hi, Sam. Here's your latest order. How's it going?

Oh, erm, not too bad, I suppose.

-Look, there's something I want to ask you.

-Right, er, OK.

Well, erm...

Well...

-DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

-Lucas, erm...

Do you... Do you want to...

-Do you fancy going on a date?

-What?

Oh, no, it's not late. It's only half past nine.

Oh, no, no, no. Do you want to go on a date?

Do I know your friend Kate? Sorry, never met her.

-I said, do you want to go on a date?

-MUSIC STOPS

A date? With you?

Sorry and everything, but you must be joking.

MUSIC RESUMES

Yes? Sam?

-Erm...

-You were... You were going to ask me something?

-Nothing.

-Oh.

OK, then. Right, well, er...

See you, then.

Right, here, Coordinator Zark, I've finished all my Valentine's research

and I'm ready to eat all those yummy chocolates.

Ah. Yeah, erm, about that...

I can't wait to eat them. They taste better than otracean bile slime.

-Erm, well...

-They're better than any food on our planet.

And you're sure you've completed all your research, Coordinator?

Oh, yes.

Definitely.

In that case, you'll know the most delicious thing about chocolates

-is the box.

-What?

I mean, oh, yes. Of course.

I knew that. I read it. When I was researching.

Excellent. Then have I got a special treat for you!

Oh! That's so...

..lovely.

-Hi, Sam. How's it going?

-Badly.

I'm having problems with my pheromone spray.

How does this smell to you?

Oh, that's even worse than my dad's aftershave.

He uses Old McWurzel's Buffalo Sweat... Pour Homme.

Thought so. I can't seem to concentrate on my work.

I know how you feel.

Ben, you know this Valentine-a-gram thing you're doing?

-Do you think you could do me a favour?

-OK.

Do you think you could work your Valentine-a-gram magic on Lucas

-when you get back? I'll pay and everything.

-If you want me to.

-At least I can do some good for someone.

-Do you do poems?

-Oh, they're so romantic.

-No.

-But I could.

-Perfect.

Now all I need is an excuse to get Lucas to make another delivery.

-GLASS SMASHES

-Oops! Clumsy me.

I was just wondering if you wanted to go out tonight.

For Valentine's.

No, no, I remember what happened last time. I swear it won't...

-He hung up.

-HE SINGS THEME FROM JAMES BOND

Hiya. Didn't see you there.

-What do you think you look like?

-Huh?

The bit of fern sticking out of your jacket?

Oh, this? Oh. I couldn't find anything for my buttonhole.

Your garden's out of flowers. What's that about?

I don't know and I don't really care.

It's after five and I haven't found a date and you are not helping.

Hi, Roger. It's Dani. How would you like to be my Valentine?

No, no, he won't be there. Honest.

-He hung up, too.

-Another of Max's victims?

What do you think?

-Is something the matter?

-No!

No, not at all. It's just... everything's going so well.

-Is that a problem?

-No. It's just me and dates. It's complicated.

-Oh.

-But no worries. Can't see any sign of...

I mean, I'm sure tonight's going to be fine.

Oh, it's my favourite.

Wait!

MAX LAUGHS

Oh, come on, Dani. You're bound to find someone.

Will I, Jack? Will I? Or are you just saying that?

Am I going to be alone again this Valentine's Day?

DOORBELL RINGS Er, doorbell.

Whoever it is, I bet it won't be a date.

-Hi, Lucas.

-Sam. Hi.

-Here's your new test tubes.

-Thanks.

Erm, I've got something for you, too, actually.

-Ben!

-Yeah, coming.

I wanted to tell you something, but I couldn't find the words.

-This will explain.

-Oh!

Ohhh!

There's a poem.

It's coming.

You are to me the dearest flower,

-Your beauty growing by the hour.

-OK. If you say so.

My heart aches when you pass me by,

I cannot speak, but only sigh.

Oh. Really?

I look at you and slowly drown within your shining eyes of brown.

Blue. But, again, nice thought.

I long to touch your raven hair and hold your tiny hand so fair.

You're so delicate and fragrant, it's just uncanny,

that's why you drive me crazy, Da...

Er, Lucas.

Was that really the best you could come up with? Seriously?

That wasn't exactly what I had planned.

-Do you really think I've got tiny hands?

-No! I want my money back!

Well, er, thanks for the, erm...

I've got to go. Things to deliver, you know.

And I might hit the gym. Try and bulk up a bit.

-No, but...

-Lucas, wait.

Sam's too shy to tell you, so I will.

She's only been ordering loads of stuff from you

-because she likes you and wants to go out with you.

-Really?

I...

-I had no idea.

-I didn't think you'd be interested.

But that's why I always come round so quickly.

-I keep trying to pluck up the courage to ask you out, too.

-You have?

Yeah.

Wow!

-These two are hopeless.

-Honestly.

Right, Sam, you like Lucas, Lucas, you like Sam.

-Oh, right, er, we should...

-Exactly. Go, love birds.

-And have a great time.

-Thanks, Dani.

-Nice one, Dani.

-Looks like it's just you and me.

Actually, it's just you and you.

I've got to get my stuff ready and head off to the big gig.

Wouldn't want to leave my superstar fans waiting. Will you be all right?

Yeah, I'll be fine. What's better than spending Valentine's night in

with some popcorn and a DVD? On your own?

All right, then. See you!

Well, I guess that just leaves...

..me, then. Oh, well.

You heard what Dani said.

If I don't tell her, she'll never know how I feel.

-Dani.

-Yeah?

-I was wondering if you wanted to be my...

-There you are!

Dani!

-Ahh.

-Ahh.

-Ahh.

-Ahh.

-I've never been happier, Sir Ben.

-Together forever.

-Not if I can help it, you won't be!

-SHE SCREAMS

-Sir Maximilian!

-Ha! I've found you, Rapunzel.

-I knew you'd be hiding here.

-Did you?

-The hair dangling out the window was a bit of a giveaway.

-Oops.

Well, well, well, Sir Ben.

Looks like you've made yourself quite comfortable here.

You can't separate me and Rapunzel. We will never be parted!

-Oh, yes, you will.

-How dare you? I will fight you.

Oh, really?

-I've never lost a battle.

-Go on then, Sir Ben.

Wait a sec. Why's everything gone dark?

-This is too easy.

-SHE SCREAMS

Anybody out there? Anybody? Rapunzel?

-Look what you did to your costume. It's ruined.

-But you...

-No, this is the final straw, Ben. You're fired.

-Fired?

Yes, fired.

I have to smooth things over with all the customers you've annoyed

and finish the deliveries myself. I'm very disappointed with you!

-Sorry, Max.

-Think yourself lucky I've got this spare costume.

'Flowers, chocolates, Dani.

'Flowers, chocolates, Dani!'

Ah. Aftershave.

McWurzel's Buffalo Sweat... Pour Homme, if I'm not mistaken.

This should give me the right professional air.

ROMANTIC MUSIC

Love Weekly? Your weekly guide to love and romance.

100 most lovely and romantic ways to spend Valentine's Day.

DOORBELL RINGS

Er, hello?

-I am your date for tonight, madam.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Well, can I see your face?

Er, still can't see your face.

Max! I know this is one of your stupid jokes again!

-You are so dead!

-Dani, wait.

Dani, I can't keep quiet about it any longer.

Can't you see?

I'm in love with you!

Ben, this is Dani, remember?

The one you and Max spend your lives tormenting.

But my life is empty without you, my darling.

No, it isn't.

Your life would be empty without slaving for Max.

Or watching too much telly and being weird.

I need you! I've needed you all my life!

-Well, at least since this morning.

-Did you say this morning?

Yeah. Why?

Sam's making a love spray!

You knocked me over! Now I'm covered in this spray stuff.

BOTH: Ohhh!

-So when Sam's experiment thingy spilt on you...

-It made you fancy me.

That explains it. I've never fancied anyone before.

-It feels a bit like having a sicky tummy.

-I wonder when it'll wear off.

Actually, I think it might have already.

Suddenly I don't find you very attractive at all.

Oh, well, thank you very much.

No, I didn't mean... I just meant... HE SIGHS

Ben?

You don't need to go. Everyone is out. We can still have a good time.

Yeah, OK.

-This has been great, Dani. Thanks.

-No, thank you.

I would've been all on my own if it wasn't for you.

That was probably the worst night of my life.

-Max?

-Jack, what happened?

-Well...

-They wanted me as a bouncer, not a DJ!

I was stuck outside all night.

The most famous person I saw was me, reflected in a puddle.

-And I'm not even famous.

-Aww, poor Jack.

What about poor Max? I was chased by the neighbour's dog.

I had to hide in a bin. I'll smell like old cabbage for weeks.

-You didn't use some of that spray, did you?

-This aftershave? Yes.

BOTH: Nooooo!

ROMANTIC MUSIC

Come to me, my beloved one.

Max. Help!

-Help!

-Come to me, I love you!

Aghh!

THEY LAUGH

Oh, another fantastic episode of Dani's House.

What did you think, Coordinator?

Cheer up, Coordinator. It was only a joke.

You tricked me into eating an entire cardboard box! I...

HIS STOMACH RUMBLES My stomach has never hurt so much.

Oh, I'm sorry. I think you should have some human medicine,

help settle your stomach. I'll beam some aboard now.

Thank you, Coordinator.

Oh.

-Are you all right, Coordinator?

-Yes, I'm...in love with you.

What?

Sam's love experiment? Oops. Wrong bottle.

Hugs.

SHE SCREAMS

Oh, Coordinator! Hugs! SHE SCREAMS

-No, don't hug me!

-Hugging!

-You're not my type!

-Course I am!

-Go away!

-Come on!

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

# Let's lift these chains

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

E-mail [email protected]

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