Jack's Rival Dani's House


Jack's Rival

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress. An old DJ competitor of Jack's shows up to fix the plumbing, and Dani's lyric book of songs mysteriously goes missing.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

-But...

-I fed Fluffy yesterday!

-But I took him for space-walkies!

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-You were the one who wanted a pet!

-Fine! I'll do it.

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-Are you sure this is what he...

-Quite sure.

-They're doughnuts.

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Just do it, Coordinator Zark.

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DOOR BEEPS FLUFFY GOBBLES

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-Fluffy! Mummy's got your din-dins!

-FLUFFY SLOBBERS

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RUMBLING

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Aaargh!

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Help me!

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-This is no way to treat Mummy!

-FLUFFY GOBBLES AND BURPS

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Argh!

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DOOR HISSES

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I said it was a bad idea, getting a giant carnivorous space squid.

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Seeing as I fed him...

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..you can muck out his tank,

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while I watch Dani's House.

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Hi. My name's Dani, and this is my fantastic new -

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-Best friend, Jack.

-Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?

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Your name's Dani, and I'm a best friend too - Sam.

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As I was saying, this is my fantastic new - Max!

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I'm her brother, and actually it's... Ben?

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-What? Oh! It's our show.

-Can you just zip it?!

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As I was saying, my name's Dani, and this is my fantastic...

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-THEY ARGUE

-I give up!

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-THEY SHOUT

-It's not your show, is it?

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SINK GURGLES

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So here I am, struggling to write my latest song

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while having to deal with a blocked sink,

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because someone tried to force half a pizza down it.

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-I thought you had a waste disposal.

-Ugh! Here!

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Urgh!

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-You nearly got my lyric book wet!

-What is it with you and that book?

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This book contains every song I've ever written,

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and all my ideas for future songs. Every thought, every emotion,

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every hope and dream I've ever had is in this book.

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This book is more personal than my diary,

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-and if anyone so much as lays a finger on it...

-What?

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SHE GROWLS

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Dani, remind me why I'm the one trying to unblock your sink.

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Because you're my best friend, and you know I have to finish this.

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-What's it about?

-A young salsa-dancing senorita

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who falls in love when a mysterious bandito rides into town.

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# He rode in across the desert

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# His poncho caked in dust

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# She knew the second she saw him

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# That his love would never rust... #

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Oh, who am I kidding? I'm never going to finish this.

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-Writer's block sucks.

-What you need is some inspiration.

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Surround yourself with things that evoke the Latin American spirit.

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Such as...

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This! The avocado.

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Wow! I suppose my mystery man is a bit like an avocado.

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Rough exterior and soft on the inside.

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It's really about me, isn't it?

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Dream on, sink-blocker!

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I just need something that makes me think like my Mexican salsa dancer.

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SINK GURGLES SHE GRUNTS

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Cleared it!

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No. You just made it worse. SINK GURGLES

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-Agh!

-Oh!

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Argh!

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I think we should call the plumber.

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-Do you know what this is, Ben?

-A pointer.

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-This!

-Your finger?

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It's Dani's lyrics book, full of her most raw and embarrassing emotions.

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And we're going to steal it and post its contents online.

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She won't let you. Soon as you start snooping round, she'll go Dani-loco.

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Which is why we're going to set up our own detective agency.

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Will I get my own magnifying glass? I've always wanted to know

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-what things look like close up.

-How about moving closer to them?

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Oh!

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Oh! Whoa!

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As detectives, we'll be able to stick our noses wherever we want.

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If Dani asks what we're doing, we'll just say we're on a case,

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-when really we'll be...

-Trying to steal her lyrics book.

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Awesome! I love sticking my nose in where it isn't wanted.

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Benny Gumble, PI. I got a call about a break-in at the city cheese museum.

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Somebody stole the world's most expensive piece of cheese

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from right under our noses, Gumble.

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Even managed to bypass the museum security system.

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Looks like we're dealing with a professional here. Suspects?

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We rounded up everybody - the museum's curator, Professor Green,

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-his secretary, Miss Apple...

-Hey, darlin'.

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The security guard, Colin...

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And this giant mouse.

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-What's your name, buddy?

-I haven't got a name.

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-I'm anony-mouse.

-Cut it out!

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I know who did this.

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And the person is...

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CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS

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-Miss Apple!

-What?

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-Who?

-I'm allergic to dairy products! Why would I want to steal cheese?

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-Save it for the judge, toots.

-No! I won't go quietly!

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-I'm not... I'm not really...

-Come on.

-You're dragging me! Stop!

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Can't get 'em all right.

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OK. I need something that rhymes with avocado.

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Avocado...

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Bravado...

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Colorado...

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What about av...

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o...ca...do?

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It's the same word, Jack.

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Ooh! There's the plumber.

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-Abracadabro!

-You just made that up.

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-Man, song-writing is hard!

-Everyone? This is Josh, the plumber.

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Cup of tea would be nice.

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So,...what's the situation?

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Ah! Well, the sink is blocked with pizza.

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Well, trust me, there are far worse things it could be blocked with.

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You all right, mate?

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-What are you doing?

-Looking at him.

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-It shouldn't be a problem to fix.

-Don't suppose you can fix songs too.

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-I need a rhyme for avocado.

-Say again?

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I'm trying to launch a music career, and I'm stuck on a lyric for a song

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-I know will be a massive hit.

-A massive hit, you say?

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-And that's where you write all your ideas down, is it?

-Yeah.

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It IS you! Oh, I knew it!

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You... It's him!

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Do you two know each other?

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Er, yeah. I thought I recognised you. You're that paranoid DJ

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who was always accusing people of stealing his playlists.

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You did steal my playlists! I sweated blood over those.

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And you? You just waltzed in and pinched them for a fast buck.

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That's quite a serious accusation, mate. Be careful.

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Whoa, whoa, whoa! I just wanted my sink unblocked. What is going on?

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Well, why don't you ask Plumbob Stealypants?

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We're going to lie in wait for Dani, hidden in boxes,

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and then grab the lyrics book when her back is turned.

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Awesome. How did you ever become such an evil genius, Max?

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I guess I was born this way, Ben.

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That's what my parents always say about me.

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-We may need eye-holes.

-And some air-holes so that I can breathe.

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I can understand you're jealous that the crowds preferred my playlist

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to yours, but...let it go.

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-Your playlists were my playlists.

-Similar, maybe.

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Look, it's irrelevant. I gave up DJ-ing a long time ago,

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when I realised it was a mug's game.

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-Oh! A mug's game?

-Well, I'm happier plumbing.

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Can't we just let bygones be...whatnots?

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-A leopard never changes its pants.

-I think you'll find it's "spots".

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Jack, Josh is a plumber now, and I need him to unblock my sink

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before my parents get home.

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Did you see that?! He just pulled a face at me!

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-Oh, Jack, grow up!

-Yeah. Jack...

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Er, he's doing it again!

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He was pu...

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You know what you are? You're a sad, desperate...

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Desperate!

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Desperado rhymes with avocado! That's brilliant!

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Yeah! Yeah, it is. Dani?

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-Yeah?

-Have you thought about "desperado" as a rhyme?

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You're my wild-eyed desperado, hard on the outside like an avocado!

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Perfect! Thanks, Josh. Wow!

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Better luck next time, Jacky-boy.

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HE GRUNTS

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Come on!

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Clear!

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Clear!

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Clear!

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-Watch where you're going!

-Sorry!

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-He seems nice enough to me.

-He's trouble.

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Maybe what happened all those years ago was just a misunderstanding.

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What about the thing just now, with Dani's avocado song?

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Perhaps you both came up with the idea at the same time.

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Trust me, no good will come of having him in this house.

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-I bet he's not even bothering to unblock the sink.

-Sink's unblocked.

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-I think, er, this was your problem.

-Oh! You dumped the pizza, the box

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-and the little garden table down it!

-That's why I couldn't unblock it.

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Never mind, Jack.

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So,

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this is where the magic happens.

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-Well, I wouldn't say "magic".

-I bet you're really talented.

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HE MIMICS JOSH "I bet you're really talented"!

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Well, now I've got the song almost finished, thanks to you, Josh,

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I can write it in my trusty book and get on with the demo. Listen.

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# She watched him clamber off his horse

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# And threw aside his gun

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# She knew that he was innocent

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# Of the crimes they said he'd done... #

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Lovin' it! Maybe they should, er...

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ride off into the sunset together.

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Yeah!

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MOBILE RINGS

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Hi, Mum! You all right?

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So, Josh!

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Why don't you tell us how you came up with that rhyme for avocado?

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Sometimes in this job your mind wanders to pretty strange places.

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It's not all equalising the pressure of compression shut-off valves.

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-You use compression shut-off valves?

-Yeah. Why? You've heard of them?

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Yeah! I'm using compression shut-off valves to study water pressure!

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The thing to remember is, water always finds its own level.

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-I always say...

-You can't argue with gravity!

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-Exactly!

-OK. Bye, Mum. See you later.

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Oi! You haven't explained how you came up with that "desperado" line.

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Er, well... Bit embarrassing, but...

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..I read a lot of poetry, so...

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You do? Who's your favourite poet?

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-You look like a William Wordsworth fan to me.

-That's so weird!

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-I was just going to say how much I love Wordsworth.

-Really?

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You want to know my favourite poem ever? Yeah?

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There once was a young fellow called Josh

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Who stitched up all the other DJs by...

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stealing their playlists!

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Then he became a plumber,

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then he came here and he stole my idea for Dani's song.

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And...

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Well, you get the idea.

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OK! Let's record Desperado A Go-Go.

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You seen my lyrics book?

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Maybe you left it in the kitchen.

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OMINOUS GUITAR RIFF

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-I'm sure I had it in the den.

-You had it a minute ago, didn't you?

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-Well, it's disappeared now!

-Funny, that!

-Where is it?

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If my little brother's taken it, I will crush him and Ben like a...

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-Like a...

-We won't let your valuable lyrics fall into the wrong hands.

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We'll organise a search party. Dani, look in here.

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Sam, you can look upstairs, and I'll search the den.

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Er, what about me?

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You...just try not to get in the way, Jack.

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I bet you any money he's taken your book.

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Jealousy's a really unattractive emotion.

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I'm not jealous of that...stupid plumber!

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Oh, poor Jack! I know what it feels like to be ignored.

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-Wha...?

-What are you reading?

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A Guide For Caring For Your Giant Alien Space Squid.

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-Oh!

-It says here we have to mentally stimulate the squid with games.

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Oh, so that's why it's been so bad-tempered.

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We've not been playing enough ball games. Is that it?

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-Is it?

-FLUFFY CHIRRUPS

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-Fluffy!

-FLUFFY BARKS

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-Ready, Fluffy?

-Come on, boy!

-Ready to catch the bally-wally?

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Don't tease it! Just throw the ball!

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-Whee!

-Oh, good catch, Fluffy!

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-FLUFFY GRUNTS

-Throw it back to Daddy!

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There's a good Fluffy.

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-Throw it back to Daddy!

-Oh, well done, Fluffy!

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Oh! Oh! Ooh, ow! Ow! Agh!

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Why would a plumber even want my lyrics book?

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Well, he wanted to be a DJ. Why not a pop star, too?

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-What proof do you have?

-Oh, I'll find proof...somehow.

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Oh, would you...

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What...?! What...

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-What are you two up to?

-We're undercover.

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We were hiding in those boxes until we could steal your lyrics book.

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-I knew it!

-Too much information, blabbermouth!

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-Hand it over, you little sneak.

-If I had your lyrics book,

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-would I be messing around in a cardboard box?

-He has a point.

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Do you want to hire us to find your lyrics book?

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-Hire you?!

-We set up our own detective agency.

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We offer everything, from surveillance to background checks

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-to plain old snooping around.

-And we use all the latest equipment.

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-Do I look like a gullible idiot?

-You really want me to answer that?

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I might have a case. Right.

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There's this total sneak, Josh, the plumber.

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Now, I can't be certain, but I think he may have stolen Dani's book.

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And you want to hire us to get it back off him?

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Yeah. But if you find it,

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you mustn't use it to embarrass Dani.

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Jack, Jack, Jack... We're professionals now.

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How do I know I can trust you?

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I swore a loyal oath on my junior-detective certificate.

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A junior detective never breaks his oath.

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OK. You're on.

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Ben is going to be wearing a wire.

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That's what we detectives call a hidden microphone and transmitter.

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We'll be able to hear everything Josh and Ben are saying.

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Josh is going to be able to see that thing on his head.

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Not any more.

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First, Ben will befriend Josh.

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Then he will trick him into revealing all his secrets,

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including whether or not he stole Dani's lyrics book,

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-and where it might be now.

-How do you want me to befriend him?

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-Flatter him. Give him presents.

-Like I do with you?

-Exactly.

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What if Ben says something... well, weird, and tips Josh off?

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Don't worry, Jack. I've thought of everything.

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Using this earpiece, we'll be able to tell Ben exactly what to say.

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I knew I should've waxed my ears last night.

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SQUELCHING

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-I'm not sure about this. It feels a little dishonest.

-In this game,

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you've got to get your hands dirty. Nobody has dirtier hands than me.

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Stop fiddling with it!

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Nope!

0:17:070:17:08

Please be under here!

0:17:080:17:10

SHE GRUNTS AND SIGHS

0:17:120:17:15

-Any luck?

-I found 42 pence,

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-a couple of bottle caps - oh, and these false teeth.

-Urgh!

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-But no lyric book.

-What am I going to do?

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Max knows the book's missing. And if he gets there before I do,

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I'm finished.

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-Sam!

-Mm-hm?

-Stop tidying. Let's find this book.

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Sam!

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Ooh! No, wait! Please! Please, just one more cushion!

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Hello! I'm Ben.

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-I'm Josh.

-You look nice, Josh.

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"In fact, I would say you're really friendly."

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-That's great, Ben. Keep it up.

-I like your bag.

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And those are great shoes. Are they your own?

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-Sorry. What is all this?

-I'm flattering you constantly.

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Ben, keep it frosty. Don't overplay your hand.

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What if Josh spots the wire? Dani'll kill me if she finds out about this.

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Relax. Nothing's going to go wrong.

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Ben, can you hear me? Ben?

0:18:330:18:35

-"Ben? Ben!"

-Let me ask you something, Josh.

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-Do you like onions?

-What do you mean?

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-Are you a fan of onions?

-Well, I don't dislike them.

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-And do you like fun?

-Well, I... Well, it depends.

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-What is he talking about?

-Then, I have a present for you.

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-Meet the funny onions.

-Sorry? What... What is this?

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These are the funny onions.

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-The funny onions...

-I made them for the school craft fair.

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They're a range of edible toys for kids.

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I want to give you one as a token of our friendship.

0:19:060:19:09

Who ARE you?!

0:19:090:19:11

I'm Ben, your new best friend.

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This is a nightmare! He's completely ruining the operation.

0:19:160:19:20

Quit with all this funny-onion stuff and talk about something normal.

0:19:200:19:24

Ben, are you receiving me? Ben! Ben!

0:19:250:19:28

Urgh! Oh, that's horrible. That's...

0:19:290:19:32

-It's just a chocolate-covered onion.

-Funny onion!

0:19:320:19:36

-It's not even cooked.

-I've even come up with my own jingle.

0:19:360:19:39

"Check this out."

0:19:390:19:41

-HE SINGS OFF KEY

-# When you're feeling rather down

0:19:440:19:48

# And your face is in a frown

0:19:480:19:51

# There's a new toy in your town

0:19:510:19:55

# That's chocolaty and round

0:19:550:19:59

# Please spend your... #

0:19:590:20:01

-Ben, can you hear me? Ben!

-Why can't he hear you? Ben! Ben!

0:20:010:20:04

"Ben! Ben!"

0:20:040:20:06

# The chocolate goes all runny

0:20:060:20:10

# If you leave it in the sun... #

0:20:100:20:11

Fix it! You're supposed to be Mr Evil Genius!

0:20:110:20:14

# Funny onions Yeah, yeah, yeah... #

0:20:140:20:17

-Why can't he hear us?

-Must be something wrong with the earpiece.

0:20:170:20:20

# Yeah, yeah

0:20:200:20:23

# Yeah, yeah

0:20:240:20:26

# Yeah, yeah, yes They're fun for you and me. #

0:20:270:20:31

Get away from me,

0:20:340:20:36

you...freak.

0:20:360:20:38

Thank you very much!

0:20:390:20:41

We need to abort the mission. Now!

0:20:410:20:43

HE CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY

0:20:430:20:45

What am I meant to be asking him? Are you there? Can you hear me?

0:20:460:20:50

-What shall I say next?

-Who are you talking to?

0:20:500:20:53

Um...

0:20:530:20:54

-Oh! What are you doing now?

-Um...

0:20:590:21:02

# La, la, la... #

0:21:020:21:07

We're going to plan B - a good old-fashioned sting operation.

0:21:070:21:11

I'm going to go down there and scam Josh into a confession

0:21:120:21:15

while you stay up here and record the whole thing.

0:21:150:21:17

-Oh, no!

-What?

0:21:170:21:20

-Ben's wearing our only transmitter.

-So we use our phones.

0:21:200:21:23

-There must be a way to wire them to the tape machine.

-Good thinking!

0:21:230:21:27

-Now give me all your money.

-Ah, ha-ha! No way.

0:21:270:21:31

I need money to scam Josh!

0:21:310:21:33

All right. I'd better get that back!

0:21:340:21:36

Of course you'll get it back - probably!

0:21:360:21:39

Josh? Where are you? Any luck finding my book?

0:21:410:21:46

-BEN SINGS

-Can you smell onions?

0:21:460:21:50

-Funny onions!

-What is going on?

0:21:500:21:53

Um, this boy made me eat a chocolate-covered raw onion.

0:21:530:21:56

-Who is he?

-My brother's best friend.

0:21:570:21:59

And where Ben is, Max usually isn't far behind.

0:21:590:22:03

What's this?

0:22:030:22:05

Er, my ponytail.

0:22:050:22:07

HE GASPS

0:22:070:22:09

You were recording our conversation?

0:22:140:22:16

-Explain - now.

-It wasn't my idea. Jack hired me and Max

0:22:160:22:20

because he wanted to prove that Josh had stolen your lyrics book.

0:22:200:22:23

Typical!

0:22:230:22:24

Good old reliably paranoid Jack,

0:22:240:22:27

still trying to frame me for things I didn't do.

0:22:270:22:30

Tell me where they are!

0:22:300:22:32

Dani! Hi! Um, did you find your lyrics book?

0:22:350:22:39

I can't believe you joined forces with Max

0:22:390:22:42

-because you're bitter about Josh.

-Max is trying to help.

0:22:420:22:45

If you stick around, you'll hear him getting your book back off Josh!

0:22:450:22:49

-What are you talking about?

-MOBILE RINGS

0:22:490:22:52

That'll be him now. Listen and learn.

0:22:520:22:55

-Hello, Josh.

-What?

0:23:060:23:08

Whatever it is, I don't care. I'm in a hurry.

0:23:080:23:11

-"Just hear me out."

-That's Max's voice.

0:23:110:23:13

-I'm not interested.

-You will be when you hear my offer.

0:23:130:23:17

-You've got five seconds.

-All right. I'll cut to the chase.

0:23:180:23:21

You took Dani's lyrics book. You're planning to steal her songs

0:23:210:23:25

-and forge a pop career of your own.

-This is mad!

0:23:250:23:28

-Josh didn't steal my lyric book.

-I didn't take her book.

0:23:280:23:31

-Told you!

-You're clearly a man who is motivated by money,

0:23:310:23:35

while I'm motivated by embarrassing my big sister.

0:23:350:23:38

-OK. I'm listening.

-Shall we go somewhere more private?

0:23:380:23:42

If he didn't take Dani's book, why is he listening to Max?

0:23:440:23:48

-Ssh!

-"Please, take a seat."

0:23:480:23:50

OK. I'm willing to offer you £500 for the lyrics book.

0:23:510:23:55

-I told you, I don't have it.

-700?

0:23:550:23:57

-I don't...have it.

-He doesn't have it.

0:23:570:24:01

-750.

-Like you can get your hands on that sort of money!

0:24:010:24:04

OK. Call it 800, you got yourself a deal.

0:24:100:24:13

I knew it!

0:24:130:24:15

-No, he's bluffing. He has to be!

-'Can I take it now?'

0:24:150:24:19

It's all yours.

0:24:190:24:21

I've done it! This is the ultimate humiliation for Dani!

0:24:260:24:30

-I've finally defeated her!

-I don't think so.

0:24:300:24:33

Dani! Glad you're here. I was just going to come and get you.

0:24:330:24:36

Um, I caught this guy with your lyrics book.

0:24:360:24:40

-What's in the briefcase?

-Oh, no! Um...

0:24:400:24:42

That's just petty cash.

0:24:420:24:45

I was going to use it to buy a...big pipe.

0:24:450:24:48

I noticed your downstairs toilet needed a new one.

0:24:480:24:51

I think Jack probably broke it.

0:24:510:24:53

What's going on? This isn't even real money!

0:24:530:24:57

There's 60 quid in there, you double-crossing sneak!

0:24:570:25:00

-That's me!

-So you did have my lyrics book?

0:25:000:25:04

Er...

0:25:040:25:06

Yeah. It's a funny story, actually. Um...

0:25:060:25:09

I found it. I was going to give it to you,

0:25:090:25:12

when...something happened. What was it that happened?

0:25:120:25:16

That's a good question. Um...

0:25:160:25:19

There was a burst pipe, and your book was going to get all wet.

0:25:190:25:23

So I thought that I'd hang on...to...

0:25:230:25:26

No?

0:25:260:25:28

Yeah, I...I did steal it.

0:25:300:25:33

Hah! I told you he was trouble.

0:25:330:25:35

I trusted you. I thought you were genuinely interested in my songs.

0:25:350:25:40

He was. He was interested in stealing them.

0:25:400:25:42

Well, "steal" is such a harsh word.

0:25:420:25:44

I think of it as borrowing something and then forgetting to give it back.

0:25:440:25:48

Um... You want me to leave?

0:25:500:25:52

Oh, before you go... How did you come up with that "desperado" rhyme?

0:25:570:26:01

No. Let me guess. You stole it off my good friend Jack.

0:26:010:26:04

Oh, you're very clever.

0:26:040:26:07

I guess we owe you an apology.

0:26:100:26:13

No. It just feels great to be proved right!

0:26:130:26:17

OK. You get one hour of gloating and that's it.

0:26:170:26:21

-Deal.

-Ugh!

-Yes! Hah! I'm the man!

0:26:230:26:25

Who the man? Come on, ladies. Who the man? Who the man?

0:26:250:26:29

-You the man, Jack.

-Yeah, I'm the man.

0:26:290:26:31

59 minutes!

0:26:310:26:34

-Oi! Will you never learn?

-Can't blame the boy for trying.

0:26:360:26:40

Er... HE WHISTLES

0:26:420:26:44

Thank you!

0:26:450:26:47

Where was I? Oh, yeah. I am the man!

0:26:480:26:51

It's the man! Who is the man?

0:26:510:26:55

-HE HUMS

-Shall we get a cup of tea?

0:26:550:26:57

-Got Jammie Dodgers?

-Yeah!

-Hey! I've still got 58 minutes!

0:26:570:27:01

Who... Who the man?

0:27:010:27:03

Why are you crying? Dani's House had a happy ending this week.

0:27:040:27:09

I...miss...Fluffy!

0:27:090:27:11

You've done the right thing, releasing Fluffy back into the wild.

0:27:120:27:16

-A spaceship is no place for a pet.

-I suppose you're right.

0:27:160:27:20

Plus we'll still have those 4,000 eggs he laid.

0:27:200:27:23

I'm sorry?! Eggs? What eggs?

0:27:240:27:27

The 4,000 eggs Fluffy laid. Wait till those hatch,

0:27:270:27:31

then we'll really have our hands full!

0:27:310:27:33

-SQUELCHING

-What was that?

0:27:330:27:36

Sounded like 4,000 eggs hatching, if you ask me.

0:27:360:27:39

-Wah!

-Aaaagh!

0:27:390:27:41

-Help me!

-It looks like you've been suckered.

0:27:430:27:46

Argh! Agh! Help me!

0:27:460:27:49

Ow! Help me! Help!

0:27:490:27:51

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:510:27:57

# Let's lift these chains

0:27:570:27:59

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea

0:27:590:28:04

# I will be breaking free. #

0:28:040:28:09

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress, continuously left in charge of her annoying younger brother Max, his none-too-bright sidekick Ben and their youngest sibling - the baby from hell.

An old DJ competitor of Jack's shows up to fix the plumbing at Dani's house, and Dani's lyric book of songs mysteriously goes missing. When Sam and Dani totally fall for his charm, Max and Ben must turn detectives to help Jack prove it's his old nemesis who's nicked the book and is not what he seems.


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