Driving Miss Dani Dani's House


Driving Miss Dani

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress. When Max and Ben get hold of a new super driving game, Dani becomes completely obsessed.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Oops, better avoid that black hole.

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I could get out and float faster than you could fly.

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I was top of my class at the Space Pilots' Academy.

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-Oh.

-Numero Uno!

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-Really?

-Oh, it's almost time for Dani's House.

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Quickly, take the controls while I tune us into Earth TV.

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-Me?

-Hurry!

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Oh! Aghh! OK!

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Hm! Agh!

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What's up with that asteroid?

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-Quickly, press the red, green, blue and yellow buttons in that order.

-OK.

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-No! That's the wrong order!

-Agh!

-Get out of my way!

-Agh!

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Phew! What were you doing?

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The truth is I never passed my basic Starship Pilot test.

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It's all right. I'm a BSP certified test instructor.

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I'll teach you.

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-What? You will?

-Yes. You can drive while I watch Dani's House.

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Hi, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic new...

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..Best friend Jack!

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Yeah, but... Oh, where was I?

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Your name's Dani and I'm your best friend too - Sam.

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As I was saying, this is my fantastic new... Max!

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I'm her brother, and actually it's... Ben.

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What? Oh, it's our show.

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Can you just zip it?

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As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is my fantastic...

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ALL TALK BEHIND HER

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I give up!

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ALL SQUABBLE

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-Are you OK?

-No.

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Can you give us a hand, please?

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Sorry, I've still got that terrible earache. Ow!

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-Ow, it hurts!

-Earache doesn't make you limp, Jack.

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Oh yeah! Right.

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Right, that is it. I am done with public transport.

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More like totally inconvenient, highly uncomfortable transport.

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-Catchy.

-It's a knack.

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That's why I've decided to learn how to drive.

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But cars pollute the atmosphere.

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What, and a great big fume-belching bus that's always late doesn't?

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Get a bike with a trailer. It's eco-friendly and practical.

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What if the gig's miles away, or it's raining?

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And how come I'm the only one who got hit by that puddle?

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Because I leapt out of the way and ducked behind you

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in the nick of time!

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You're such a great friend, Jack(!)

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Oh, thanks!

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Friends are supposed to look out for each other,

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not duck behind each other.

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Exactly. I was helping Dani look out for me.

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These are brand new jeans.

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I think me and you need to talk about what makes a great friend.

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I'll teach you all I can, but some of my super-friend skills

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are top secret.

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What super-friend skills are these?

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Things like carrying. See, look what a good job I did.

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Where's Dani's costume, Jack?

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Er... Right... Possibly I picked up the wrong bag getting off the bus.

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-What?

-What?

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That was my favourite outfit. I said never take your eyes off it.

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I didn't... Except for when I dozed off for a bit.

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Thanks for nothing, Jack.

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Get out of my way! Out of my way, losers!

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Take it outside!

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You lot must be exhausted carting that lot round in a bus.

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-That's why I'm going to learn to drive.

-You, driving?!

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Ha-ha(!) Yeah, me!

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I thought I saw a pig fly outside my window just now.

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Ha-ha! Nice one. Funny!

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So very not funny.

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This game of yours, it's like an actual car.

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I know. It's totally addictive.

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Watch me overtake these cops.

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Can I have a go now, Max?

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-Of course. It is your game after all.

-Cool.

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You can be a completely realistic passenger.

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Whoa! Watch out for that lorry, Max.

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Phew! Great driving.

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You're right. Once you start at this game, you just can't stop.

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It's the best driving sim ever.

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Thanks for bringing it over. People would pay to play this.

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-You reckon?

-Definitely.

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And I think I've just had a genius level idea

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for making some easy money.

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-Max is right, you know.

-What?

-You behind the wheel of a car.

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-It doesn't compute.

-Why not?

-It just wouldn't look right.

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Like a chicken riding a bicycle, or a monkey flying a 747.

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Monkey pilots. Wow!

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Plus you've got no hand-eye co-ordination.

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Are you saying I wouldn't be able to learn how to drive?

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Being the top notch super-friend we all agree I am...

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..it's my sworn duty to sock you with the truth.

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All right. I'll show you.

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Driving schools...

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MOBILE DIALLING TONE

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Hello? Hi, I want to find out about driving lessons.

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So despite losing outfits and not helping carrying stuff,

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you still think you're a great friend?

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Yeah, obviously.

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Come on, losing Dani's outfit wasn't really my fault.

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-So you'll be willing to submit to the ultimate test?

-Which is?

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The Teenster friendship quiz.

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Piece of cake!

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Welcome to Friend Or Fiend.

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-It's great to be here.

-We'll see!

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First question.

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Your friend is hungry and wants to eat that tasty snack

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you've put in your sock for later.

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What do you do?

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Tasty snack? What tasty snack? There's no tasty snack here?

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BUZZER

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20 points down already.

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Not very impressive, is it?

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-Do I have to answer that?

-BUZZER

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Next question. Your friend lets you in on a big juicy secret

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and asks you not to tell anyone.

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What do you do?

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Hey everyone, Sam's got a big secret to tell!

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Let me tell you all about it.

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BUZZER Oh dear!

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-We're on minus 80.

-What?

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Complete this friendship phrase.

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A friend in need is a...

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-Big pain in the...

-BUZZER

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Wrong answer! You really are a terrible friend aren't you, Jack!

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Goodbye!

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Oh!

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Don't tell me, don't tell me.

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I'm aceing this friendship quiz aren't I?

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How much?

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What do you teach people in - Bentleys?

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Apparently you have to be a lottery winner or a banker

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to get driving lessons.

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You need about 500 I reckon.

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Thanks(!) I can barely afford one.

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What am I going to do? I'm never going to be able to learn to drive.

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Come and help me with Jack's friendship quiz?

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-Oh, is that the one we both...?

-Got top marks in! That's right!

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Yeah, I'm doing really well too.

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Question two. Your friend wants to borrow your favourite lipstick...

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ENGINE ROARS UPSTAIRS

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What is that?

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Turn it down!

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Slow right down into the bend.

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But you take corners fast.

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You can't compare Jenson Button to Noddy!

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SCREECH

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No!

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I said turn it down!

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-OK.

-What is that anyway?

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Just a driving simulator.

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Driving?

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That's right. Driving.

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GAME NOISE CONTINUES

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I passed with flying colours, right?

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According to this you...

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-GAME NOISE CONTINUES

-Doesn't that sound

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exactly like a real car?

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Sorry. Jack, your scores say that you're quite probably

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an actual enemy to be avoided at all costs.

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No way.

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-It's here in black and white.

-But it's a silly quiz in a girls' mag.

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-Teenster, actually.

-It's no big deal, right?

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-I'm afraid it is, Jack.

-We can no longer call you a friend.

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-Come again?

-You've been demoted.

-To what?

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-Acquaintance.

-If you don't buck up your ideas...

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..You become someone we'd maybe say "Hi" to in the street.

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Sometimes!

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I'm going to prove to you what a good friend I am.

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Really? How?

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I'll just call Lost Property. I'm going to get your costume back.

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Hello. Yes, I left something very valuable on the number 27 bus.

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Yeah it's a pink and gold leotard

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with high-heeled silver glittery shoes.

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What do you mean, "What size am I?"

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-Hello? He...

-LINE GOES DEAD

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Well, I gave it my best shot.

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-That was your best shot?

-Yeah.

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You really are just digging a deeper and deeper hole for yourself.

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So this is going to be a sensible family saloon?

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No. Something sporty and girly. Dani has to think she'll look good in it.

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What's that?

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My trainer fund chart. I need those new trainers.

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So I can run faster, jump higher, and more importantly,

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-look cooler.

-I thought you didn't have the money.

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Which is exactly why I'm giving Dani driving lessons.

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Where is she?

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I thought she'd be up here, begging to try out the simulator by now.

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-You've got to give me another chance.

-Did you hear something, Sam?

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It sounded like that guy we used to know. What was his name?

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-BOTH: Hmm...?

-You want to learn to drive, right?

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-Yeah, but I can't afford it.

-What if lessons were free?

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-I'm listening.

-See, being the great friend I am.

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-You're an acquaintance.

-I can teach you.

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-BOTH: You?

-Yep, for free.

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That's how good an acquaintance I am. Let me prove it to you.

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-Can you even drive?

-It just so happens I'm an ace go-kart driver.

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-That's not a car.

-It's how Lewis Hamilton got started.

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Beggars can't be choosers.

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-Vrrr!

-Can we just get on with it?

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Right, start the engine using the imaginary ignition key.

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No, it's on the other side in this car.

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HE MAKES NOISE LIKE ENGINE FAILING TO START

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Try again.

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You have got to be kidding, on a sofa?

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I'm trying to recreate the authentic driving experience.

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Brrr!

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Oh, cool, we started up. That's what you get with these clapped-out cars.

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-It's a brand-new Porsche, actually.

-Sweet!

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OK, ease off the handbrake. Let's see what this baby can do.

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Indicate... No, that's the wiper, Dani.

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Check your mirror.

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Mirror!

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Now, when it's clear, push down on the accelerator

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and move into the road.

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Vrrr-vrrr-vrrr!

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-Ow!

-What happened?

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You've run me over.

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-That's it.

-What?

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-This is ridiculous.

-Stop!

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-What?

-The car's still moving.

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HE SCREECHES THE BRAKES

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Max has got some sort of car simulator upstairs.

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You know Max, he'll never let you anywhere near it.

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Oh, hi, Dani. What brings you up here?

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(It's worked.)

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-If that is what I think it is, it is brilliant.

-What is it?

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Behold the Max-Car.

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It's a cardboard box.

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-Just a minute while I finish cutting the windscreen.

-Could I have a go?

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Well, me and Ben are using it at the moment.

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Wow, do I finally get a go?

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I only want to check it out.

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All in good time.

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-Fine, forget it.

-Maybe just a quick go, then.

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Take a ride in the Max-Car.

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Dani, you're not actually going to get in that thing?

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I have to learn how to drive, Sam.

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Pilots learn to fly using simulators.

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Dani, it's a stupid video game.

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Wow, it looks exactly like London.

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You can smell the petrol fumes, feel every pothole.

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-Wow, it's so real.

-Come on!

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This is brilliant. I feel like I'm getting the hang of driving.

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CAR ENGINE ROARS

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WATCH BEEPS

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CAR ENGINE STOPS

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Ten minutes and she's already had enough of that stupid game.

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-Where's my car?

-Out of petrol.

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It doesn't run on petrol.

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Don't mess around. I need to learn how to drive.

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No such thing as a free ride.

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What do you want?

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Just a small contribution towards my trainer fund.

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And it is a lot cheaper than driving lessons.

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SHE SIGHS

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Oh!

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CAR ENGINE ROARS

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-This is amazing!

-I want a go now, Max.

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-You got cash?

-It's my game.

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-And whose house is this?

-Your parents'?

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-Oh, is that what they told you?

-Goodbye, late crowded buses.

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Adios, missed the last train home. Bonjour, freedom.

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No!

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-You really should fill your tank up more.

-Please, five more minutes.

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I have to be cruel to be kind.

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Those trainers won't buy themselves, you know.

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-Max, I think she's getting...

-Addicted?

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I can almost smell those trainers, my friend.

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-At last.

-I ran out of money.

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-He's charging you?

-Yeah, for imaginary petrol. It's amazing, Sam.

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It's almost like real driving, better even.

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-It's a stupid game and obviously you're addicted.

-It's not stupid.

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I'm not addicted.

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I'm just learning how to drive.

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Woo-hoo!

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Dani, that's going to spray everywhere.

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-Tell me about it!

-Fancy going out for a walk?

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You could do with some fresh air. We could go to the shops.

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-Sounds great.

-Great, let's go.

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Erm, I'm broke though, can I borrow some money?

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Yeah, course.

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Dani! Come on.

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-Stop!

-I'll pay you back.

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It's all yours.

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Dani!

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Careful, watch out that you don't back into that planet.

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Now, slowly, slowly... Stop!

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OK, enough reversing.

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I want you to change gears and fly towards that constellation of stars

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that look like a cow.

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Oh... Ow... Ah!

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Oh... Ah!

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Hold on to your tentacles.

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Waaagh!

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Emergency stop!

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BRAKES SCREECH

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Who knew driving could be this exciting?!

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It's been over 24 hours.

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We've got to get her off that game. It's taking over her life.

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Oh, I've got a brilliant idea.

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-What?

-No, it's gone.

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-Is that you trying to be a better friend?

-Sorry.

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No entry.

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Max, can I have a go of your game? I've got loads of money on me.

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Oh, that's lucky cos Dani's petrol is just about to run out again.

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Now!

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-Game over.

-Switch it back on, switch it back on!

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I can't. Sam's got the remote.

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Mmm. Tastes even better than when it's cooked.

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I'm sorry, Dani, but sometimes friends have to do

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what they think is best for you, even if you don't like it at the time.

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-I know.

-You do?

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Yeah. Sorry, Sam, you were right.

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I never want to see that childish, awful game again.

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-Excellent.

-In that case, that's why I left your costume on the bus.

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-I was just doing what was best for you, too.

-What?

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I don't think you should wear it anymore. Didn't suit you.

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You just totally made that up.

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Erm, yeah, sorry.

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I'm starving. Would you make me a sandwich?

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I've been so busy learning how to drive, I forgot to eat.

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Of course.

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I'm going to go sit down. I'm really tired. Er, Jack,

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I wanted to ask you about...something about football.

0:18:480:18:51

Really?

0:18:510:18:53

OK.

0:18:530:18:54

-Is it the offside rule you want explaining?

-What? No.

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I want you to prove you're a friend.

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-Name it.

-You'll do anything?

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-Anything!

-Tell me where Sam hid the remote.

0:19:040:19:07

Except that.

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So you're not a friend, then?

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Sam hid the remote because we care about you.

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-If you cared, you'd want me to be happy, right?

-Em...yeah.

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-If you want me to be happy, give me the remote.

-I don't know.

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I don't know!

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You'll be my best friend, Jack. Number one.

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Really? Better than Sam?

0:19:220:19:24

-What?

-I can't - you'll just get hooked on that crazy game again!

0:19:280:19:31

-I won't! I can handle it!

-But if you do, it's my fault.

0:19:310:19:34

-Give me the remote!

-I don't know, Dani.

0:19:340:19:37

What's going on?

0:19:380:19:39

Yes! I did it! I saved the sarnie!

0:19:420:19:44

It's game on.

0:19:440:19:46

ENGINES REV

0:19:530:19:55

-This is all your fault!

-Huh?

0:20:000:20:03

-First you don't help carry equipment...

-True.

0:20:030:20:06

-..claiming you had earache.

-Yeah.

0:20:060:20:08

-Ow! Oh, it still hurts.

-An earache still doesn't make you limp, Jack.

0:20:080:20:12

-Right.

-Then you lose Dani's outfit on a bus!

0:20:120:20:16

Allegedly.

0:20:160:20:17

OK, yeah, obviously I must have done.

0:20:180:20:21

-Then you try to teach her to drive using a plate.

-Yeah?

0:20:210:20:24

..which makes her want to drive even more!

0:20:240:20:26

Then you say Max's game is brilliant.

0:20:260:20:29

It is a pretty cool game.

0:20:290:20:30

Or possibly not.

0:20:320:20:34

Then you snitch about where I hid the remote.

0:20:340:20:36

She said I could be number-one top best mate!

0:20:360:20:39

-Jack!

-What's your point? That it's all my fault?

0:20:390:20:42

It is true.

0:20:480:20:49

I'm a rubbish friend.

0:20:490:20:51

-ENGINES REV

-Dani!

0:20:530:20:54

Please! We have to talk!

0:20:540:20:56

Is Dani still on my driving game?

0:21:000:21:02

-Mm-hm.

-Unbelievable!

0:21:020:21:05

What are you eating?

0:21:050:21:06

Ice cream, jelly and...

0:21:060:21:09

meatball sauce.

0:21:090:21:11

French recipe. Probably.

0:21:110:21:14

-French?

-Yep, well into fine dining, the French.

0:21:140:21:17

Ben, can I ask you something?

0:21:180:21:20

-Course.

-You and Max are tight, right?

0:21:200:21:24

I mean, you get on OK from what I see.

0:21:240:21:26

What's the secret?

0:21:260:21:28

Of friendship?

0:21:280:21:29

Yeah.

0:21:290:21:30

Basically, you've got to be yourself.

0:21:300:21:33

Oh, OK. Cool.

0:21:330:21:35

Except when someone you want to be friends with

0:21:350:21:38

doesn't like how you are.

0:21:380:21:39

Right...

0:21:390:21:41

Then you pretend to be someone completely different.

0:21:410:21:43

I see.

0:21:430:21:45

Hope that helped!

0:21:450:21:46

Er, so...who are you being right now?

0:21:460:21:49

Sorry?

0:21:490:21:50

Are you being you or not you?

0:21:500:21:53

Well...I think you're really too old to be my friend.

0:21:530:21:57

Cool. Cheers.

0:21:580:22:00

My pleasure.

0:22:000:22:02

ENGINE REVS

0:22:050:22:08

The free ride is over.

0:22:150:22:17

No way!

0:22:180:22:20

It's strictly pay to play.

0:22:200:22:23

Stop her, Ben!

0:22:270:22:29

Dani, be reasonable! Let's talk about this.

0:22:310:22:34

ENGINE REVS

0:22:340:22:35

Just open the door and slide out my console.

0:22:350:22:37

And my game!

0:22:370:22:39

I'll even let you have a free half hour on it.

0:22:390:22:41

< Go away!

0:22:410:22:43

All right. An hour, then.

0:22:430:22:46

Dani?

0:22:460:22:47

ENGINE REVS

0:22:470:22:49

OK. Do you want me to beg? I can beg.

0:22:490:22:51

How can you eat at a time like this?

0:22:550:22:57

Helps me think.

0:22:570:22:58

Well, that's all we need(!)

0:22:580:23:00

-She swiped my JoyStation.

-And my game.

0:23:000:23:04

Aw, diddums. No more easy money, then.

0:23:040:23:08

-I didn't realise it had got so bad.

-It is a highly addictive game.

0:23:080:23:11

You don't say(!)

0:23:110:23:13

Mmm! I've got an idea!

0:23:130:23:15

Forget it, Jack. I've had enough of your lame ideas for one day.

0:23:150:23:18

-But it's...

-No, Jack!

0:23:180:23:19

No more stupid ideas!

0:23:190:23:21

OK.

0:23:210:23:23

ENGINE CONTINUES TO REV

0:23:300:23:33

Looks like the rat's jumped the sinking ship.

0:23:430:23:46

Never thought he'd do that.

0:23:460:23:48

We need to stop this now and I'm going to need your help.

0:23:550:23:58

You in?

0:24:000:24:02

Faster!

0:24:040:24:06

More speed!

0:24:060:24:08

Go away!

0:24:080:24:10

-Stop!

-It's for your own good. Ben!

0:24:230:24:25

Oops.

0:24:260:24:29

My JoyStation!

0:24:320:24:34

It wasn't my fault! She threw it!

0:24:350:24:38

It serves you right.

0:24:380:24:39

-It's OK. I think I can fix it.

-It's broken, Dani.

0:24:390:24:42

No! I'll be able to mend it!

0:24:420:24:44

Get some sticky tape and some Blu-Tack.

0:24:440:24:46

My JoyStation. My beautiful JoyStation.

0:24:460:24:50

-Dani?

-What?

-It's only a game.

0:24:500:24:53

No, no! I think we can fix it!

0:24:530:24:55

If we put our money together and you get a Saturday job.

0:24:550:24:58

You're right.

0:25:050:25:06

-This game's for geeks.

-You don't want to play any more?

0:25:060:25:09

I can't believe this game's been taking over my life.

0:25:090:25:12

Thank you, Sam. And I mean it this time.

0:25:130:25:16

-A-hem! Hi.

-What do you want?

0:25:160:25:19

The rat returns to the sinking ship.

0:25:210:25:23

Look out the window.

0:25:230:25:24

There's a driving-school car parked outside.

0:25:300:25:32

Yeah. I, er, bought you some lessons.

0:25:320:25:35

I thought you'd prefer that to a new costume.

0:25:350:25:38

Jack, you're such a brilliant...acquaintance.

0:25:400:25:43

Yeah?

0:25:430:25:45

Thanks.

0:25:450:25:47

So, am I a friend again?

0:25:470:25:50

Course you are!

0:25:520:25:53

You idiot, Jack! What have you done?

0:25:590:26:01

Huh? A...good thing?

0:26:010:26:03

-Dani learned to drive on Car Crash Carnival!

-So?

0:26:030:26:06

Hit other cars, score points.

0:26:060:26:08

I see where this is going.

0:26:080:26:09

-Now she's back in the driving seat.

-But...

-In a real car!

0:26:090:26:12

We've got to stop her!

0:26:120:26:14

Dani, wait!

0:26:140:26:15

-Dani, stop!

-Wait!

-Stop! Dani, wait! Wait, wait, wait!

0:26:150:26:19

ENGINE REVS

0:26:190:26:21

Too late.

0:26:210:26:23

Hello, casualty?

0:26:230:26:25

Hi. I was wondering, was anyone

0:26:250:26:27

brought in from a horrible car pile-up in the last hour?

0:26:270:26:30

OK, thank you.

0:26:320:26:33

-Dani!

-Dani!

0:26:350:26:36

So, what happened?

0:26:360:26:37

I had a really weird instructor.

0:26:370:26:40

He was sobbing, banging on the window

0:26:400:26:42

and trying to open the door while the car was moving.

0:26:420:26:45

Huh! Some people.

0:26:450:26:47

I had to walk the whole way home.

0:26:470:26:49

Look, Jack, it was really nice of you to get me driving lessons,

0:26:490:26:52

but I don't think driving's my thing.

0:26:520:26:55

Really?

0:26:550:26:56

I think roller skates are more my style.

0:26:560:26:58

THEY LAUGH

0:26:580:27:01

I passed! I passed!

0:27:020:27:04

I passed my driving test! Look at me!

0:27:040:27:06

I passed! Look at me!

0:27:060:27:09

Yeah, yeah, we get it.

0:27:090:27:10

And to celebrate,

0:27:100:27:12

I bought these for the windscreen.

0:27:120:27:15

There we go, that's better.

0:27:150:27:17

-I can't see a thing!

-I'm right in front of you, silly face!

0:27:170:27:21

They look great, don't they?

0:27:210:27:22

I mean I can't see through the...

0:27:220:27:24

-Aaaargh!

-Waaaah!

0:27:240:27:26

CRASH!

0:27:270:27:28

Sorry.

0:27:280:27:30

# Sometimes I feel like breaking free

0:27:320:27:38

# Let's lift these chains

0:27:380:27:40

# Let's rock this wave right out to sea

0:27:400:27:45

# I will be breaking free. #

0:27:450:27:49

Surreal sitcom about a struggling actress, continuously left in charge of her annoying younger brother Max, his none-too-bright sidekick Ben and their youngest sibling - the baby from hell.

Dani wants to learn how to drive, but can't afford proper lessons. When Max and Ben get hold of a new super driving game, Dani becomes completely obsessed and can't be stopped from playing it day and night. Max has to join forces with Jack and Sam to cure Dani of her unlikely new game addiction.


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