Achy Breaky Heart Dani's House

Why are we looking at this instead of watching Dani's House?

Because it's inspiring.

To think, the Mona Lisa was painted almost 500 years ago

by the artist Leonardo DiCaprio.

Why hasn't she got any eyebrows?

Earth's most famous painting and that's all you can say?

Well, she'd look better with eyebrows!

-What have you done?

-It's not like it's the original.

Of course it's the original!

You teleported the original Mona Lisa on to our ship?

I wanted to teach you about human art!

We'll be found guilty of intergalactic art vandalism.

Relax. I know what to do.

Ta da!

Look on the bright side. We've got a whole new series

of Dani's House to look forward to. Now THAT is art.

It's only a painting.

Hey guys. Great to see you.

My name's Dani and this...

-..Is her best friend Sam.

-Sam!

As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is...

-..Her other best friend, Jack.

-Stuffing his face as usual.

-As I was saying, my name's Dani and this...

-..Is her brother Max!

-And his mate Ben!

-Go away!

QUIET!

-As I was saying, my name's Dani and this is Dani's house!

-ALL: My house!

Oh, hey guys.

You're just in time to witness my first proper small screen debut.

I should probably get a bowl for that.

I have landed a small acting role in McHurtie's Hospital.

It's one of the biggest soap operas on TV

and the episode of my first scene is about to start!

Dani, hurry up, it's about to start.

Ooh, let's go watch!

Quick! We're going to miss it.

Hurry up.

I could investigate the fringes of elementary thermo dynamics.

-Or you could tell me why you're hogging the comfy cushion!

-Stop it!

I'm trying to come up with an experiment for the science expo.

I'm all out of ideas.

Oh, I've got an idea for you. Stop hogging the comfy cushion!

-I always get the lumpy one.

-Ooh, it's starting.

I can't believe I'm going to be on TV. Real TV.

This doesn't count!

So who are you playing again?

A patient. She gets trampled by a herd of panic stricken cows.

Oh, this is it! This is my big scene!

Hey, I'd prefer that eardrum to be unperforated.

Oh, look. There's you. You're on TV!

Any second now, here comes my first line.

Shh! Let's listen.

Hi. I'm Dr Rugburn. How are your bruises today, young lady?

Your ribs hurt, you say? That's terrible news.

Prepare for surgery!

They cut out my lines. I had a big speech and they cut me out.

They cut me out!

# Hardy hardy ha-ha! #

Well, maybe there's more of you later.

That was the only scene I filmed for that episode.

I'm sorry, Dani.

I have to go back tomorrow to shoot another one.

What's the point if they're just going to cut me out?

How many more times do I have to keep having these near misses?

-I just want a decent meaty role.

-I want a decent meaty roll.

Maybe some turkey, some ham.

Slice of cheese, topped with... What? I missed breakfast.

Dani, even roles like that are another step up the ladder.

Who knows where this one could lead.

You can't let this get you down, you've got to push on.

-Like I'm going to push on through my scientist block.

-You're right.

-Tomorrow I'm going to go and give it my all.

-All right.

Just hold my hand and breathe.

-What do you mean, I've been axed?

-Had a rethink, darling.

Decided to save some money and replace you with that.

But I was desperate for this job. I just want to be an actor.

More blood.

Try being a TV producer.

I've just found I haven't got anyone to play my newest regular character.

-Why not?

-The actress broke her legs in a bizarre gardening accident.

Where will I find someone to play a feisty nurse at this short notice?

I'm feisty. I'm young. I'm an actor. I could do it!

SHE LAUGHS

Oh. You're being serious.

Just give me a chance to show you what I can do. You won't regret it.

Darling. Do you really have the gravitas, the experience,

to portray a role this complex and demanding day in, day out?

Just give me a chance. Please?

Fine. Come back tomorrow at four o'clock.

Really? You'll audition me?

It better be the most impressive audition I've ever seen.

I want to see emotion. Fear. Joy. Anger.

I want to be literally drowning in a sea of emotion soup.

When I'm done you'll need mouth-to-mouth retusi...

resuc...resis...

Don't disappoint me.

Oh, Serena, about this line?

OK. See you later.

Just hold my hand and breathe.

Ah, Captain Squid, you heroic mollusc.

Will you never learn that the bad guys always win in the end?

Guess what?

-You swallowed your front door key again?

-No. Well, yes.

But that's not what I want to tell you.

Do you remember that painting competition I entered?

-The one I never told you about.

-How would I if you never told me?

Who cares? I won first prize.

I suppose this is where I'm supposed to say "Well done".

-Aw, thanks, Max.

-What did you win?

Just some cash.

What do you think?

It's based on a dream I had. Well, I say dream, I wasn't actually asleep.

You know what this means, don't you?

Not in the slightest.

It means that your talent, combined with my genius for business,

could make us a fortune.

TV: Good morning folks, it's 9.30 in the morning.

HE BEATBOXES

Urgh.

Guys. I have split atoms, catalogued acids,

and tested the effect of dance music on sausage dogs.

I need something new.

So any way, what's this part you're up for?

Nurse Emily Woodmagnet. It's a small role, but it's regular.

-Nice.

-Oh, no. I just realised what a big deal this audition is.

-What if I'm rubbish?

-It's all right.

Maybe you can take a quick refresher course or something.

Where can I find an acting teacher at this short notice?

One that can wring every last drop of emotion out of me?

I could be your acting teacher.

You must have books about acting. We can work from those.

OK, I'm desperate.

I'll go and see what I've got.

-You're going to experiment on Dani, aren't you?

-How very dare you!

As if I'd experiment on my friend without her knowledge.

So what if I am?

Dani needs to get in touch with her emotions

and I need an experiment for the expo.

-What experiment?

-I'm going to artificially trigger emotions.

-You'll tell her, right?

-Of course.

Afterwards. Probably.

You see this face?

It's my "You're making a mistake" face.

You've got ketchup on it.

See this face?

It's my "I don't care what you think" face. Got it?

All the hottest painters are urban street artists.

People like Mr Brainwash and Banksy. They're passionate, street, gritty.

To compete with them, we need to make you cool.

But being cool doesn't come naturally.

Whenever I try it, I get windy-pops.

Which is why you need pointers from the coolest person we know.

To understand the art of acting, we must study its origins.

Write this down.

It is believed that our prehistoric ancestors

entertained each other with a form of comedy acting.

Oogely boogely.

Oogely boogely boogely.

Oh knocka knocka.

Bolla bolla. Who dere?

-Umbo woolly jumbo.

-Umbo woolly jumbo who?

Umbo woolly jumbo behind you!

'Unfortunately, with the first actors came the first critics.'

Ooglay bray!

BLOWS RASPBERRY

'Our journey along the road of time next takes us to ancient Rome.'

Pulsar pulsar.

Quis est?

-Imperatori Caesar.

-Imperatori Caesar who?

Sam, sorry, do we have time to do the complete history of acting?

-How would it make you feel if we did?

-Bored.

-Fascinating.

So, what are the emotions you need for this scene?

The producer wanted to see...

Emotion, fear, joy, anger.

Why don't we start with joy?

Sam, what's in there? It's not something sciencey, is it?

I don't like it when you zap me with science.

I can get through this without being zapped by science.

Dani, calm down. Look.

Oh, they are so cute!

-And how do they make you feel?

-All warm and tingly and happy.

I could eat them all up.

Not literally. That would be messed up.

-So, in other words, you feel...

-Joyous.

-Joy.

Exactly, you feel joy. Result!

-What are you writing?

-Nothing.

-Atchoo!

-You're getting mucus on the chicks.

I think it's the feathers. Great!

Now when I think of them I'll just get annoyed.

-Still very interesting.

-Interesting?

Interesting for you, of course.

-It'll make you a better actor.

-Oh, right.

-OK, what do you want?

-Oh, hi, Jack, didn't see you there.

You've been spying on me for 20 minutes with that joke telescope.

Joke telescope. Oh!

I'm trying to pick up some pointers. I want to become cool.

-Ben, just walk around the couch.

-Oh, yeah.

Well, you've come to the right man.

Ben, what do you see when you look at me?

Let me take a closer look.

Joke telescope, Ben.

I'll tell you what you see.

You see a graduate from the school of hard knocks.

And this is the story of how I became the man, the legend, that I am.

That I am.

..Squeezed into a three-bedroom semi-detached.

-We even had to share a bathroom.

-No way!

-Way.

School life was tough, Ben.

Endless rounds of lessons, homework, and brutal, brutal PE.

What are you on about?

What's, erm? What's up, Dani?

Killing time while Sam sets up for the next lesson.

Jack's showing me how he became cool,

so that I can become an authentic, urban street artist.

You see, Dani, maybe you can fake an ice-cold, detached persona

through acting, but for me, well, for me, it's 100% real.

-SHE GIGGLES

-You've got to be kidding!

Hey, I grew up on the wrong side of the tracks!

You grew up in a pretty house with a mum and dad

who let you eat crisps after brushing your teeth.

Maybe that's the point!

Maybe you don't have to have a tough upbringing to be street.

If I can be a super cool DJ

without having anything remotely bad ever happen to me...

-Maybe I could become a super cool artist!

-Exactly!

-Pull your trousers down!

-I'm sorry?!

-Just trust me on this one.

Hey, you're right! This does feel cool! And slightly naughty!

Dani! I'm ready for you!

I'll leave you boys to it. Keep it real though!

See that, Ben, that is how not to be cool!

SHE SHIVERS Tell me if I'm wrong, Coordinator,

but I don't think this is what

the humans mean by being cool!

-HE SHIVERS

-I think you may be right.

We may have lowered the temperature slightly too much!

I'll turn the heating on.

I can't reach the thermostat.

I'll do it!

It's no good. I can't reach it either.

-Oh, no.

-What?!

-I have to visit the little alien's room!

Try and hold it in!

-Do you know what? Never mind.

-Oh, dang.

Sorry.

Subject D has demonstrated that humans can quickly switch

between emotional states. And...

-Sam?! Who are you talking to?!

-Nobody.

-I definitely heard you talking to someone. What's that?

-My new phone!

-I was talking to Mum, see what we're having for dinner.

-What?

-Breakfast.

We're having breakfast for dinner, which is strange, I know,

it's a very strange thing for me - for Mum - to have said.

Anyway, next lesson.

Let's try and focus on the emotion of fear.

-Dani, will you take my hand?

-Mm-hm.

SHE SCREAMS

-MY HAND! What did you do?!

-Nothing! I just touched it!

-I think I'm going to pass out!

-Oh, Jack! Jack! Sam's hand's fallen off!

Call an ambulance! It's all right! I'll call an ambulance!

-How do you make calls on this thing?!

-Dani! Wait!

I was just helping you to explore the emotion fear. See!

TAPE: 'Subject D has demonstrated that humans can quickly

-'switch between emotional states'.

-Sam, who's subject D?

-Nobody. My mum.

-It's me, isn't it?

I'm subject D.

Not bad.

But if we're going to make any money,

then we need him even more urban. Make him another 10% more street.

Careful, I don't want the world to see my entire underpants!

Look, he'll do. I need to make a few more phone calls.

By the time I get back, I expect to see some more art. Get painting.

I've done all I can. It's up to you now, Ben.

-HE SIGHS What's the matter?

-I don't know what to paint.

-Maybe I did need a tough upbringing to give me inspiration.

-Or...

You can paint me instead.

BEN GROANS I'm sorry! I'm so sorry! Are you all right?!

Oh, my foot! My best foot! Now, I'll never be able to put it forward!

-Talk to me, baby!

-Wait, this is good! This is all really good!

I'm feeling really inspired!

Hello. Welcome to another edition of Arty Pants.

This week, we'll be learning how to paint fruit.

I like to use blue paint. And the brush.

Now, you dip the brush into the paint like this.

And just get painting, quick as you like.

That's it. Slap it on, nice and thick. Wonderful.

And there we are. That's how you paint fruit.

Next week, I'll be showing you how to do a self-portrait.

Yes, he's the hottest new street artist on the scene.

Yes, that's right, his name is Benzo

and his debut exhibition is at 5pm tonight.

THE GIRLS ARGUE NEXT DOOR

-It's not worth saying sorry now!

-Look, I was trying to help you.

-I promise!

-"Project Actor.

"A study into the emotional complexit...complex...whatever,

"of a young woman, subject D".

Dani, come on! I helped you, didn't I?!

What are you feeling right now?

Like I want to grab your head, scrunch it up as if it was

a sheet of paper, and feed it to a particularly unpleasant horse!

So, you're angry?!

-That's good! Joy, fear, and now, anger.

-That's not all I'm feeling.

I'm hurt too. I can't believe you'd do this to me, Sam.

You know how important this audition is. You know how stressed I am!

I'm sorry! I just need an experiment for the science expo.

-I was desperate.

-You could have at least asked me first.

You're right. Maybe we can practice the script together.

-What time is your audition?

-Four o'clock.

-It's ten to four.

-What?!

But it takes me at least an hour to get to the studio! Thanks, Sam!

Thanks a lot(!) I knew you being my teacher would end in tears!

That's brilliant! It's a little bit weird, but brilliant.

When the speaker fell on my foot,

I just had to capture what I was feeling and channel it.

You got the talent, the look, the passion.

-You remind me of me.

-Not bad!

Now all you need is come up with another dozen or so

paintings by this evening and we'll be rolling in cash!

Why this evening?

We're holding an exhibition of Ben's work at a top art gallery.

I say art gallery, it's just a living room.

-But this is the only work I've created so far!

-You best get busy!

I've sent out dozens of e-mails to tons of influential art types,

telling them all about you. You don't want to disappoint them, Ben!

Great art should be motivated from the heart, not the wallet.

I don't care what motivates him!

I just want him to get those paintings done so I can get rich.

-Oh, and Jack, I need you to DJ at the exhibition tonight.

-But...

-I'll pay you.

-I'm in.

He always does things like this. He makes me so angry sometimes!

-So angry, I could...

-Use it! Use that passion, Ben!

Use it to create something well good.

Wow. You really had a lot you wanted to get out.

-Right! She's had long enough!

-Sorry! I'm here! I'm here!

-I'm ready!

-CRASHING AND COMMOTION

-Sorry I'm a little bit late.

-You're an hour late, darling.

Yes, I know, there was a problem with the bus. What was the problem?

Oh, there was this big seabird and it crashed through

the windscreen and the driver was swerving all over the place

-trying to get the bird off, and the bird was just flapping!

-Dani!

You know what we need our actors to be on this show above all else?

-Talented. Funny. Glamorous.

-On time.

Give me one good reason why I should still audition you.

Can I have a few minutes to think about it?

Ladies and gentlemen. Please trust me.

Benzo will be here very shortly and the exhibition will be under way.

In the meantime, can I interest you in some nibbles?

-We've picnic eggs, mini samosas and Prawny Pops.

-Coming through!

Where have you been?! I can't stall them much longer.

I've been grinding my digits and knuckles, man.

My art has been flowing so hard, I couldn't hold back the tide!

-Back off!

-I like the surly, urban attitude,

but I'm not enjoying having it directed at me.

Suck it up, man.

THEY GASP

Just, just...get your stuff set up as quickly as you can!

Artists!

Temperamental! You know how it is!

You're sloppy and unprofessional.

I don't want someone like that on my set.

You don't have what it takes to make it in this profession.

-Now scram! Before I call security!

-Hey!

-Yes!

What gives you the right to talk to me like that?!

THE CREW GASP Excuse me?!

All right, I was late, but I apologised!

And the reason I was late was because I spent the whole day

preparing for this audition!

All I wanted was a chance! Just one chance! One chance to soar!

To glide! To rocket to the stars.

To turn and look back down to earth and say, yes, Dani,

that is where you came from, that is where this dream began.

To yell at the top of my lungs, this is what I was born to do!

This is why I am here! I am an actor! I act! Therefore I am!

DANI SNIFFS

But now, I guess that chance has just crumpled at the vine.

Destiny has other plans for me now. This dream was never meant to be.

This dream has just turned to dust. Always dust.

SHE SOBS

Oh, look at me. Such an idiot, crying in front of a stranger.

I'm so embarrassed. I feel like my cheeks are on fire.

Anyway, I guess I should be going now.

I won't waste any more of your time.

Wait! Maybe I was a little hasty.

-Yo, I've finished.

-About time!

Ladies and gentlemen of the art world,

I'm proud to present the hottest new talent on the street art scene,

so get your wallets and purses ready!

It's Benzo! What shall we start the bidding at?

-Shall we say at 10,000 each?

-THEY ALL LAUGH

What's so funny?!

-Ben! What have you done?!

-How much for the picture of you as a donkey?

That's not for sale.

Actually, none of these are for sale, this exhibition is over.

-I can pay you cash. How about £5,000?

-£5,000?!

£5,000?

No, no. No, there's been a terrible mistake! None of these are for sale!

Stop looking at them! This exhibition is closed!

Stop looking at them! Get out! Get out! This exhibition is over!

-Get out! Get out!

-THEY ALL LAUGH

Benzo is officially retired!

Look, before you say anything, I want you to know how sorry I am.

You're right, I should've never used you as a subject in my experiment.

-I got carried away, and I feel terrible.

-YOU feel terrible?!

-How do you think I feel?!

-I know!

Look, I'll go, and you'll never see me again!

-Sam.

-Yes.

-Acting.

-What?

Just then. I was acting.

-So, you're not really annoyed.

-Why would I be?

When I've just landed the role of Nurse Emily Woodmagnet

-in McHurtie's Hospital!

-Really?!

THEY SCREAM AND GIGGLE

You're going to be on TV! For real?!

In a real TV show with a character name and a dressing room?!

The producer said I gave one of the best auditions she's ever seen!

-Oh, you got your big break!

-I couldn't have done it without you!

My emotions were so raw it was like I had them on tap!

-Yes, you can write it down for your project!

-Thank you!

What are you looking so happy about?

You should be pleased for your sister, Max.

-She's going to be a TV star!

-You got the job?! Oh, Dani, that's amazing!

-Can I have your autograph?

-Don't make it weird, Jack.

Oh, congrats, Dani, that's well cool.

Hey, maybe when you're famous, you can hire me to paint your portrait!

Oh, hey, your painting days are over!

-I don't trust you anywhere near a canvas again!

-Yes, Max.

Sorry, Max.

Oh, and pull your trousers up, you look ridiculous!

So! Our friend, the TV star.

You going to remember us when you're famous?

-Sorry, who are you again?

-Oh, oh, oh, oh!

THEY SHOUT AND LAUGH

-Ow! Not the lumpy one!

-Yeah?!

-OK! On!

THEY LAUGH

-I'm very confused.

-It's quite simple, Coordinator.

Dani is on Dani's House,

but she's now also on another show called McHurtie's Hospital.

What if her character in McHurtie's Hospital got a part in a TV show?

And what if that character got a part in a TV show,

and what if that character got a part in a TV show,

and what if THAT character got a part in a TV show...

I don't know! But you're making me dizzy!

CRASHING

SHE LAUGHS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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