B System Dani's House

Coordinator Zark! Coordinator Zark! I've finished!

Behold! My latest invention.

-SHE SIGHS

-The telescope has already been done.

It's like the toaster, the window and Twitter.

You need to stop inventing things that already exist.

This one's brand new. This is the Mindoscope.

It can view the thoughts of others.

I shall finally be able to find out what everyone thinks of me.

Are you sure that's a good idea?

No more shall I wonder whether people do or don't like me.

-May I try it on you, Coordinator?

-I guess it can't hurt.

-Ow, that hurts!

-Let's see what you're thinking about.

BARKING LIKE A SEAL

Why am I wearing a pink tutu?

Well, this is awkward.

GUITAR MUSIC

Oh, look! Dani's House is about to start.

-Hey, guys. My name's Dani and this...

-Is her best friend, Jack.

-Thanks(!) My name's Dani and this...

-Is her brother Max.

-And his best friend, Ben.

-As I was saying, my name's Dani and this...

Is her friend, Ruby.

And her sister, Maisie.

And I'm Dani and this is the brilliant...

SHOUTING AND ARGUING

WHISTLE BLOWING

POP MUSIC

Hey, there. We just found out that I'm probably going to win

Best Female Hair at the Pan-Euro Soap Awards! Ha-ha!

Woo-hoo!

Zarina is throwing a huge party in my honour.

She is crazily excited.

Disaster! It's a complete disaster! Stop celebrating immediately!

PARTY HORN BLARES

-Small Saul's broken his wrist.

-Who's Small Saul?

He's a very famous club DJ I booked for the party.

-He can't DJ because he's had a little accident.

-What happened?

Small Saul, you've got the gig.

Doesn't matter what happened. We have to cancel the party!

What?! No, no! I know a DJ.

-Is he very, very famous?

-Er... No, but...

I need a superstar DJ or we may lose the award.

The Pan-Euro Soap judges are coming and I want them

to see that McHurties is a modern, cutting edge production.

Jack may not be famous yet, but the judges will remember

when you gave him his first big break.

And you really think Jack has got what it takes?

Just give him a chance.

Hmm. Well, if he messes up, I'll be blaming you.

Look, this is as much my party as it is yours.

I promise he won't let us down.

Sorry to let you down, Dani, but I won't be able to play the party.

I...it's my gran's birthday.

-I thought it was her birthday last month?

-Er, not her birthday.

I mean, it's her wedding... No! Her funeral... No!

She's having an operation. Yeah. That's it.

-And you've got to be there?

-Er, I meant... I'm having an operation

and my gran's going to look after me whilst I recover.

Ah, I'm going to be worried about you now.

Well, it's an operation on my bum, OK?

If I do any DJing whatsoever, then I'll burst the stitches.

-Ah!

-I'd rather you hadn't gone round telling everyone

I could DJ for them.

Now if you don't mind, I need to eat.

I need an olive, salami, cheese and pickled herring sandwich!

That's it, Jack. Push those feelings down with food.

-Ah!

-Jack, what's the matter?

-I'm scared I'll mess up.

-But it's just another party.

-You've done loads of shows.

-Yeah, weren't they a massive success(?)

Look at all these gigs.

You've got nightclubs, award ceremonies, fishmonger opening.

They were all a disaster. Every single show I've played,

something went wrong. Just face it, I'm a rubbish DJ.

You've been pretending all these years?

Remember that wedding I played? My deck short-circuited and set fire to the cake.

People were crying, Dani. The groom's mother called me

"history's greatest monster!"

SHE SNORTS

-I've got something in my nose.

-See?

That's why I'm much happier playing school discos.

At least five-year-olds don't laugh at me when I mess up.

CHILDREN LAUGHING

Except for the last couple of times.

-We've heard all about the party.

-Yes, we'd love to come.

Tell me which celebs are going to be there, Dani. Oh, tell me!

OK, well there's Jedward, Fredward,

R-Patz, Bamboo...

SHE SCREAMS

I love Bamboo!

-She

-REALLY

-loves Bamboo.

She's the same age as me and she's already got five number ones,

her own hair extension company and she has a pony called Tony!

I can't believe I'm actually going to meet her!

-SHE SQUEALS

-Oh, I can't believe I'm going to have to listen to that until you do.

Pa-a-arty! Pa-a-arty!

Pa... I need to find something to wear.

If she sees me as an equal, she might want to be my friend.

SHE SCREAMS

What's eating him?

-Look at him.

-Why exactly are we supposed to be looking at him?

-Anyone?

-It's obvious, isn't it? Can't you see?

I refer you to my last question.

He's a quivering wreck. A shell of his former self. A bag of nerves.

More like a big bag of cheeses and pickled onion crisps, if you ask me.

Jack's got loads of confidence.

Well, apparently it was all front...and back...and sides.

-OK! We get it!

-I know you lot are talking about me.

-Just eat your bread and crisps.

-Wait.

If Jack doesn't play the party, then I won't get to meet Bamboo.

And you will never forgive yourself for me never forgiving you.

Well, thanks for the added pressure, Maisie.

It's not like I get enough of that from Zarina.

So? What are you going to do about it?

-We need to build his self-confidence back up again.

-You think?

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Who's that?

-If only there was some way to find out(?)

-Oi, Little Miss Sarcasm!

-Ow! That was my foot!

-Sorry(!)

We need to get Jack sorted. I'm going to lose that award...

-DOORBELL RINGS

-..and my job.

All right, I'm coming!

BANGING ON DOOR

-I need to check Jack's playlist.

-What? Why?

I don't want him playing anything too obscure.

-No Rancid Scalp or Hemlock Blob Circus.

-Who?

-Exactly.

-Where is he?

-Er, he's not here at the moment.

-He's good to play at the party, isn't he?

-Yes!

Hm. Well, here are your guest tickets.

Tell Jack I'll expect him at 3pm tomorrow to set up.

Oh, and remember, if anything goes wrong,

like him pulling out of the party, I'll be very cross indeed.

It's not fair! It's my hair that's been nominated.

Ah, I take it you heard all that.

I'll take my ticket now, thanks. Come on, you.

-I was promised clothes shopping.

-Can't we do something less awful

like, I don't know, boil our own heads?

What if everyone at your party thinks I'm a flop?

Maybe we need to take advice off someone who's learned not to

-care about other people's opinions.

-Who do we know like that?

BOTH: Ben.

I call it the floss bonnet. Observe.

The candyfloss for eating.

The dental floss for any bits.

I wanted to have a third type of floss, but couldn't think of any.

I did however find this photo of a sheep called Flossie.

Ba-a-a!

He's our man.

Ben, I need you to listen very carefully because I'll never

say this again, but...

We need your advice.

-You OK?

-Nobody's ever asked me for my advice before!

It makes me feel all funny in my tum-tum!

We have got a problem that only you can solve.

Your underpants bunching up and you want to know how to stop it?

No, we need to know how you manage

not to care what other people think of you.

What does that mean?

Well, no offence, but you're in your own world.

-Narnia?

-You don't seem to mind people think you're weird.

-People think I'm weird?!

-Er, OK. Not weird, just...different.

Phew! For a moment there, I was really worried you think I'm weird.

Kidding! I don't care either way. I'm an oddball and proud.

COMMENTATOR: Welcome back to The Oddball Final.

There he is, Andy Cop their star striker.

He's telling his team that he's ready to go for it.

Look at that, he's having a bit of a laugh, he's a jumping up and down.

Come on, show us what you've got. He's doing a little jump.

He's taking possession of the oddball. He's making a run for the goal. He's approaching the goal.

The goalkeeper looks non-plussed. He's got concentration on his face.

He's going for it, lovely stance there. Oh, yes! He's over!

It's over! The shirt's up and look, the goalkeeper's getting involved.

Out come the peacock feathers. They're tickling each other.

It's very, very odd. Beautiful play. I don't know what's happening,

but this game doesn't get much odder than this.

Come on, Ruby. Hurry up. Right, put the bags in there.

Hm. Mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine, mine

and yours.

You must've blown an entire year's pocket money on that lot.

I was saving up for a special occasion.

Bonding with Bamboo is definitely that.

Don't you think the stuff you bought is a bit... Well, grown-up?

I don't want Bamboo thinking I'm just some silly little kid.

-She's the same age as you. You

-ARE

-just a kid.

Look at everything she's achieved.

She runs her own charity for traumatised circus clowns.

Did I mention she was named Young Business Professional Of The Year?

She's so much better than me.

Maisie, you don't have to try

and impress her because she acts all grown-up.

I mean, you still play with toys. Just be yourself.

Don't feel the need to grow up too...

..fast.

I'm not sure I know how to help you. I just am what I am.

You must have some advice.

-We need his confidence back to play at my party.

-Ooh, a party?

I love parties.

Birthday parties, tea parties, political parties - can I come?

-Please don't say no.

-I don't know.

-Oh, you said no!

Too bad. You could have given me an invite in return for my help.

But you just said you couldn't help.

-Then I somehow suddenly remembered how I became so confident.

-How?

Um, the "B System" - a foolproof system for becoming more confident.

-Taught me everything.

-And you could teach me?

-Did you just make this up to get a ticket?

-Not at all.

Just so happens I'm a licensed B System practitioner.

Good luck finding someone to help you, Jack. Enjoy your party, Dani.

You know, the one you don't like me enough to invite me to.

Dani, do something! This B System could be what I need

-to make me believe in myself again.

-Fine.

-You help Jack, I'll get you an invite.

-I'm in. Candy floss?

No, I'll pass.

Coordinator, I'm confused.

What does it mean when humans say they don't believe in themselves?

-It means they lack confidence in their own abilities.

-Oh, I see.

So if someone kept doing something wrong,

-eventually they'd believe they were rubbish.

-Something like that.

So you're lucky you're still so confident,

-even though you crash the ship.

-When have I crashed the ship?

-There was the time you reversed into the meteorite...

-Yes, but...

The time that you bumped into the back of the ice cream delivery ship.

OK, but...

And then there was the time you knocked the exhaust port off

while docking with the space station... And then there was...

Enough! Enough! You're right. I'm a terrible driver!

I'm never piloting the ship again.

B is for beginnings. The beginning of a new life, with self-confidence.

B is for being special.

B is for the bees and the wasps who can sting you

and make you feel sad.

-Maybe this wasn't such a good idea.

-Sh! Just give him a chance.

Um... You there.

Come on up here.

-What's your name, buddy?

-Jack.

Let's hear it for awesome Jack, everybody!

I don't feel awesome, I feel like a failure.

You are an awesome,

amazing person and nobody can take that away from you.

-Let me hear you say it.

-I'm awesome.

-How did that feel, Jack?

Surprisingly good.

-Really? I mean, I really knew it would.

-Yeah.

I'm super. I'm awesome Jack and no-one can take that away from me.

-Wow.

-Now strut like me - head held high, shoulders back.

Whoah! The more confident I act, the more confident I feel.

Great - that's that. Now you can start rehearsing.

-Can I have my invite now, Dani?

-Wait! You can't stop now, Ben -

I want to know everything there is about the B System.

-I don't think we have time for that.

-Dani, I need Ben to be my guide.

I can still feel all the self-doubt and insecurity inside of me.

Just show me how to make that go away for good.

I'll give you free tickets to all of my gigs between now

-and the end of for ever. What do you say?

-OK - awesome.

No - I'm awesome.

Dani, stop pacing up and down, you're putting me off my research.

-What are you researching?

-Days out for me and Maisy.

Something fun and silly.

She thinks she has to grow up all of a sudden.

-I could do with a silly day out.

-Why? What's up?

-What if Ben can't help Jack?

-You said his advice was working.

Ben's not exactly the most reliable person ever.

Remember when he wore his socks over his shoes?

Dani, I wondered if you knew a good home for these?

-They're my old toys.

-Why are you giving your toys away?

Only kids play with toys. You said so yourself.

Maisy, it's OK to act your age. Like I said,

-Bamboo is the same age as you, anyway.

-Precisely!

-Look how grown-up she acts.

-OK, look - how about a day out here?

Weasel World? I'm not a baby. I'd much rather go here.

The World Financial Expo.

Ruby, Dani, you have to come with me!

Did you accidentally eat your bath sponge again?

How many times do we have to tell you? It's not food!

-It's Jack - something has happened to Jack.

-Ben...

Are you wearing your socks over your shoes?

Oh... I can't believe I keep doing that.

You is got to remember that you is the ultimate, man.

Ain't no-one better. Except me.

Beg to differ, man. I'm the best.

Hey - easy there, blood. Don't get carried away.

I is just saying you should look in that mirror

and you should see your best friend.

You're handsome. You're talented.

You're Jack.

Oh, look who it is!

-The little people.

-I'm sorry?

-You let him talk to Max?

-I didn't know what to do. I ran out of ideas.

-I thought you were using

-the B System.

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Not again.

-I love you.

-I think you might be taking it slightly too far now.

-Shut up, Max.

DOORBELL RINGS TWICE

Is it just me, or does everyone have days like this?

-HAMMERING AT DOOR

-What?

-Dani!

-I'm so sorry, Zarina. Hi!

Here's a list of songs I want Jack to play at the party.

-DJ Jack won't be playing at the party.

-BOTH: What?!

I need to be aiming higher. I need to be playing on yachts

for gorgeous trillionaires.

I mean, come on - you can't seriously expect me

to play at a party for some low-rent, two-bit soap opera.

-Fantastic. This is exactly what I was hoping for.

-It was?

Jack may not be a star yet, but he has the attitude of a star -

he'll go far. I look forward to hearing you DJ tomorrow, Jack.

Yeah, but I won't be playing...

OK, bye, Zarina - thank you so much for coming. I'll see you tomorrow.

Hey - who do you think you're hitting? Do you not know who I am?

I think you're starting to forget.

Why are you saying you're not going to play the party?

Look, I don't have to do anything I don't want to do.

And I don't need to see a roomful of people dancing

and applauding my DJ skills to make me feel good.

Not now that I know how great I actually am.

Oh, this is a nightmare.

At first he wasn't confident enough, now he's too big-headed for words.

-'S'up?

-What seems to be the problem?

It's my head, Doctor - I think it might be swollen.

-What makes you say that?

-People keep telling me how big it is.

Have you seen yourself in the mirror?

-Yeah, I've checked to see if it

-is

-big,

but, I just see a normal-sized head.

Normal and...devilishly handsome.

The kind of head that someone pretty awesome has, someone witty,

charming, talented.

And what exactly do people say to you?

They just say, "you're so bigheaded", but I just can't see it.

-So, can you give me something for my big head, Doc?

-Yes.

You are a grotesquely

ugly man.

You have a nose the size of a rancid anteater, the eyes

of a startled toad, the ears of Dumbo's flap-eared cousin

and it might just be me, but... SNIFFING

Eurgh...

-You should use a stronger mouthwash.

-Um.

-Thanks, Doctor - I feel much better now.

-Get out.

And make it as quick as possible. You're starting to make me feel sick.

Get out!

OK, so we all know what we're going to say?

-Are you sure this is a good idea?

-Of course it's a good idea.

-I came up with that.

-It's the best chance we've got.

-I need Jack to play the party.

-But lying doesn't feel right.

Can't we bring him back down to Earth a bit instead?

Tomorrow. If Jack doesn't play the party, then Zarina will cancel it.

I won't win the award and I'll probably be fired.

It's all my fault. I'm a failure. I failed.

-I'm King Fail from the kingdom of Failtopia.

-Don't you start.

-If you still want an invite to my party, I still need your help.

-Yo.

Check this out. I'm going to send it on to TV companies.

Hi, guys! I'm Jack and this is my awesome.

Hi, I'm Ruby - Jack's best friend.

As I was saying, I'm Jack and this is my house.

-It's not your house, it's...

-Ben's house!

THEY ARGUE OVER EACH OTHER

Silence!

It's Jack's house. Yeah, baby.

I think it's long overdue that I have my own TV show, don't you?

I can't believe you helped him make that.

Never mind that - Jack, we've got some big news for you.

-You've been voted DJ of the year.

-What? Seriously?

-Of course we're serious. You're awesome.

-Oh yeah, how could I forget?

This letter came for you.

Don't know why I feel so surprised.

It was a matter of time, after all.

-Wait a sec - where are my decks?

-Oh, we packed them up for you.

The DJ Of The Year people want you to perform at the ceremony,

which just happens to be tonight.

Wait a minute...

-I smell a rat.

-Sorry, that might be me.

You're up to something. Wasn't Dani's party meant to be tonight?

-This isn't just some kind of way to make me play, is it?

-No.

No, no - we can explain. Ruby - explain to Jack.

Yeah, Ben - explain to Jack.

Um, would you care for an explanation in the form of a dance?

Jack, the DJ Of The Year people

thought you'd still be playing at Dani's party,

so have agreed to give you the award after that.

They want to see you in action, being awesome - understand?

-Oh, your sister's good.

-Tell me about it.

What are we waiting for? Let's go.

Wait for me.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

You were right - Jack is pretty good.

See - I told you he wouldn't let us down, Zarina.

-What time is Bamboo getting here?

-Oh, there she is now.

Right - OK, Maisy - stay calm.

Don't let her see how nervous you are.

Remember what I said to - it's OK to be yourself.

That's easy for you to say. You're already grown up.

Right this is it, Maisy girl. Just go for it.

-Excuse me...

-Back off, tiny.

But I wanted to speak to Bamboo.

I said back off.

I have taken the liberty of preparing this proposal

-for a brand-new merchandise line.

-I said back off.

But I have a 10-year profit margin projection.

-Beat it, kid.

-ALL: Aww.

There's just one teensy problem.

Jack keeps thanking everyone for coming to HIS party.

-And that's bad because...?

-Well, it's MY party.

Well, technically it's a party in my honour.

Technically, it's a party in honour of

your TV character's hair - both of which I own.

-Tell him to stop.

-Thank you for coming to my party.

-Um, Jack - can I have a quick word?

-Sure.

Don't you think it's about time you got back behind the decks

and showed everyone what a superstar DJ you are?

I don't need to get behind my decks. I'm good enough to spin the playlist

and circulate among the people who love me..

-ie, everyone.

-Oh, goodness - the judges are here.

I'd better thank them.

Hi, I'm Jack. Thanks for voting for me.

-I think there's been some sort of mistake.

-Gentlemen...

I'm Zarina Wickes, producer of McHurties Hospital.

And this is Dani, whose hair you've honoured.

Oi! Stop stealing my thunder. What time am I getting my DJ award?

DJ award?

We're here to present the award for worst hairstyle in TV soap.

-I'm sorry, what? Did you just say WORST hairstyle?

-Yes! Worst.

-No, best. Best hairstyle. We are the best. We are!

-Oh...

We are very sorry, but the hair on your show is truly dreadful.

(Not as dreadful as the acting!)

Try not to take it personally, Maisy.

I just wanted her to see that I was grown up, like her.

Growing up's overrated.

I'm twice your age and I still love acting like a kid. Just be yourself.

-Hi. What's your name?

-Maisy.

-I'm...

-Bamboo, I know! I'm your biggest...

Ahem.

I'm extremely pleased to meet you.

So, tell me, Bamboo - do you prefer to keep your savings

in a standard high-interest account, or a more esoteric form of ISA?

-Um...

-Marvellous! Thanks.

And tell me, Bamboo, what's your favourite type of coffee?

I do favour the skinny latte myself.

I like the double mocha skinny whip Americano - there's nothing more

that I like than sitting, drinking coffee with the girls.

Talking about how ace it is to be "grown-up".

-I'm sorry, but are you being sarcastic?

-Just a little bit.

-Takes one to know one.

-I was well excited when I saw you here.

Great, I thought, someone to hang out with who isn't a boring adult.

-But never mind.

-But I thought you were grown-up!

-You have your own business empire.

-My manager runs all that stuff.

I'd rather be playing with my toys - computer games, football...

(teddy bears!)

Hi! I'm Maisy's sister.

-You probably think it's weird that she's acting like this...

-Just a bit.

It's kind of my fault.

-I'm always telling her to grow up and stop acting so childish.

-What?

-She's just a kid. She's the same age as me. You monster!

-Easy, Tiger.

-Maybe I was a bit harsh, but that's overdoing it.

-She's the worst sister,

ever. I just want to be free and play, but she's always like,

"Oh Maisy, you're so immature."

Sounds like my manager. Shall we get out of here and do something fun?

I thought you'd never ask.

Monster!

(MOUTHS) Thanks.

-Is she bothering you?

-Out of my way, you big ape - or you're fired.

So, who's your favourite cartoon character?

-Excuse me.

-Look...

I'm sorry if you're offended,

but your actress Dani has the worst hair on TV.

-Maybe you misread the notification letter.

-But anyway,

thanks for inviting us to this banging party.

Great canapes!

Get out! Get out of my party, now!

Go.

Ahem. Just a tad confused. When exactly do I get my award?

You are not getting an award.

And I want you to turn off that dreadful racket!

Oh, and you can stop dancing, too. Don't you have any shame?

Oh, I'm out of control!

CRASH!

She said I could go over for a sleepover sometime

and bring my favourite teddy!

I'm really pleased you made a friend, but can we talk about something else?

-How you doing?

-See? Every show I play ends in a disaster.

I don't know why I'm bothering to unpack my decks.

-But this wasn't your fault.

-Are you sure about that?

-Maybe we could get Ben to give you another dose of the B System?

-Um...

There is no B System. I made it up so I could get an invite your party.

-You mean, you didn't do anything special?

-Sorry, Dani.

When I hear "party", all my morals go out of the window.

-You do see what this means?

-That Ben's a liar?

It means that there was no secret method. You did it by yourself.

She's right.

The self belief to play the party came from inside you.

And if you can do it once, you're going to do it again.

You're right. Maybe I can. Thanks, guys. I think I'm back in the game.

Can you tell me how to get my self belief back? I won worst hair on TV.

Oh, we all think you've got great hair.

-Eurgh - there you could use a bit less hair product.

-Oh!

-Ah!

Ruby!

THEY LAUGH

So, Dani's McHurties character won worst hair on television -

what an honour.

-I wonder what it's like to have hair.

-Maybe we could find out.

-Wait, what are you doing?

-Activating the ship's hair-inducing beam.

I'm not sure that's such a good...

ZAP!

That's a really good look for you.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

-835, take one.

-Ruby, Dani - you have to come with me!

Did you accidentally swallow a bath sponge again?

-Take two.

-Ruby, Dani - you have to come with me!

Did you accidentally eat a bath soap again?

Keep running, please.

Sorry!

Ruby, Dani - you have to come with me!

GIGGLING >