Episode 5 Dick and Dom's Hoopla

Hoopla!

# Fire up the van and hit the open road

# We're putting on a show from a travelling abode

# Fabulous feats that are crazy and colourful

# Prepare to be amazed by the weird and the wonderful

# Hoopla

# Everybody shout Hoopla

# All together now Hoopla

# Everybody loves Hoopla

# There'll be magic mayhem mystery suspense

# Prizes surprises it's going to be immense

# From Matlock to Margate Pontefract to Perth

# It's simply going to be the greatest show on Earth

# Hoopla

# Everybody shout Hoopla

# All together now Hoopla

# Everybody loves Hoopla. #

WIND HOWLS

WHISTLE

-Hoopla! AUDIENCE:

-Hoopla.

APPLAUSE

And today on Hoopla we come live-ish from the town of Wig Wam Bam,

famous for its head-bangers.

# Well, Wig Wam Bam

# Gonna make you my man

# Wham bam bam gonna get you if I can

# Wig Wam Bam wanna make you understand

# Try a little touch

# Try a little too much

# Just try a little Wig Wam Bam! #

Yes!

APPLAUSE

Yes, welcome, welcome, one and all to the greatest show on earth.

Someone will be leaving here today with the Hoopla trophy,

made out of solid gold paint-effect.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

Crank it up, Rodney!

We've got some great acts on today's show.

You're not going to believe who's here.

We've got death-defying comedy from John Kimmons!

APPLAUSE

-He's gone crazy now.

-No!

My hero's here! Look, on the dodgems, it's P-P-P-P-Paul Daniels.

My name is Paul Daniels, I am the world's greatest magician.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo!

Maybe not.

Some great music on the show today, they're going to rock it,

it's Reverend And The Makers!

MUSIC: "The Wrestler" by Reverend And The Makers

-But what time now?

-I'll tell you what time now.

We start off this Hoopla with some musicians who don't use instruments.

It's the Swingle Singers!

APPLAUSE

One, two, three...

MUSIC: "Soul Bossa Nova" A CAPPELLA

MUSIC: "Soul Bossa Nova" A CAPPELLA

APPLAUSE

-Aah!

-Ten seconds to tell us what you thought about that!

It was brilliant! We loved that.

Anything else?

Ten seconds is up, surely.

It was really good.

And now it's time for this.

Here's the first of our four Hoopla games on offer today.

Beware the Hand of Cackamanga!

One of these people is about to win another golden Hoopla hoop,

but only if they steer clear of the Hand of Cackamanga!

Yes, that's right.

Dick's been up all night squeezing his Cackamanga fruit,

to provide us with Cackamanga juice,

which I've smeared all over my big fat hand.

Yes. Now, if you get got by it, you're out. Are you ready?

-ALL:

-Yes!

Cackamanga!

# When you get the Hand of Cackamanga

# Be sure to get out of the way

# Ca-ca-ca

# You're out

# She's been hit in the face

# Now she's lost her place

# She's been Cackamanga'ed

-# Ca-ca-cackamanga

-Ca-ca-cackamanga

# Who's next?

# Who's next out of the ra-ace?

# That big green hand is coming to get you

# Hand of Cackamanga

# Ca-ca-cackamanga

# Get that Cackamanga

# Sing it back

# Don't feel faint, it's only paint

# Stupid Cackamanga

# Ohhh he just missed

# Ca-ca-ca ca-ca-ca

# She's been Cackamanga'ed

# Yeah!

# Ca-ca-ca

# Goodbye mamba it's all over for you

# If you were a horse you'd be boiled down for glue

# Try as they may, there's no getting away

# The dirty, dirty Hand of Cackamanga

# Goodbye boy in the white car

# You got naughty Louis

# She's out of the race, she's been hit in the face

# Oh yeah, oh yeah

# White number seven is Louis

# And he's no longer in the game

# Who's going to win in the game?

# Blue

# It's blue number nine

# Oh my goodness

# Who's it going to be?

# It's Sophie

# Is it going to be Sophie? No

# We have a winner, ye-e-eah! #

Get out!

-Put it back down.

-You've won, you've won! Get out, brilliant!

We've got a winner!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

You didn't get Cacked.

That means you're going to be in the Finalival,

-and you've won a golden Hoopla!

-So, when you're ready. Hoopla!

HOOPLA JINGLE

Look at that camera. Go!

APPLAUSE

-Yes!

-There we are.

APPLAUSE

-Are you all right?

-Blabalababala.

Just calm down, I can't understand a word you're saying.

Bun derba derba, derba derba berba.

Well, get a tea towel, clean it up, and don't do it again, all right?

-To the Finalival, go on then, see you later.

-Banamana.

-Prepare to be amazed now.

-Oooh-oooh!

Dibbo bibbo dibbo...

Waah!

Abba andabba babba dindo bamba.

Hello! - Hello. - Hello.

We - are - Barry - and - Gary.

The - two - headed - man.

No! - I'm - Barry - you're - Gary. - Right. - Exactly. - Correct.

Bald - and - Ginger.

How - unlucky - can - you - be?

Could - be - worse. - We - used - to - be - three - headed.

We - don't - talk - about - Sandra.

People - often - ask, - how - do - you - go - to - the - toilet?

The - answer - is, - with - great - difficulty.

My - wife - MY - wife - MY - wife

went - on - a - holiday - to - the - far - east

and - saw - a - concert.

Singapore. - Terrible.

Only - joking, - we - don't - have - a - wife.

Yet.

Now, - our - two - heads - are - better - than - your - one.

We - can - tell - you - a - story - about - anything - at - all.

Give - us - a - word.

Madam.

Jumper.

Jumper! - Good - word.

I - once - made - a - jumper - out - of - my - own - hair.

It - was - hideously - scratchy.

And - prone - to - smelling.

Full - of - nits, - and - itchy.

Every - day - it - got - wet.

Why - did - I - make - myself - a - hairy - jumper?

You - might - well - ask.

Because - I - am - daft.

Every - morning - I - would - put - on - my - jumper,

and - trousers - made - from - nose - hair

and - walk - down - the - street - while - children - pointed.

The - moral - of - this - story - is, - fashion - changes.

Keep - the - new - ideas - coming.

APPLAUSE

Time - to - leave - you - with - a - song.

Hit - it.

# Me

# And

# My

# Shadow

# Walking - down - the - avenue... #

That's lovely, that.

# Me

# And - my

# Shadow

# Not - a - soul - can - bust - this - team - in - two

BOTH: # We stick together like glue! #

Thank - you.

I don't care what any of you say, my nose is real.

My mother bought it for me in Margate.

And now for something else entirely.

BOING!

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Hoopla game number two.

The Finalival awaits the brave winner

of the impossible Assault Course of Doom!

Yeah! Assault Course of Doom!

Your chance to win yourselves another golden Hoopla hoop,

and earn your place in the Finalival at the end of the show.

-Who are you?

-James.

-Who are you?

-Sarah.

Right, they've got to get through the most difficult

assault course in the world.

-Oooh. AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

And this is Sergeant Jamaica,

who'll make sure you do the assault course properly.

Let me take you through it. First, mind the step!

Get round the jammy rods, don't get it on you.

Here's the buzzy thing,

you've got to get it round without touching the metal.

Get under that, cos a candle's burning the rope,

and you might get that chopped off.

Then you've got to get under the pipes,

don't touch the taps or you might get wet.

Then go past the punch-bag.

Try and miss it!

Through the Cackamanga pool, and there you are, ladies and gentlemen.

And it's going to be the one who completes it in the fastest time

that is going to be going through to the Finalival.

Do you understand the assault course?

-Yeah.

-Good. Well, it looks difficult enough as it is,

but it's even more difficult,

as you're going to be wearing blindfolds

so you don't see what is going on.

-So, put that on there.

-We'll have to take your hat off.

-Don't be shy.

Make sure they can't see.

Right, now...

Before the game begins, before you do the Assault Course of Doom,

Sergeant Jamaica is going to do a jig.

MUSIC: "Auld Lang Syne" Ska Version

Oh, wonderful!

Lovely, ladies and gentlemen.

OK!

-So...

-OK.

The assault course floor...

Is all set up and ready to go.

Sarah...you're the taller one, so you go first.

There we go. Mind the step. Step over the step, a minute.

Can you feel the step? Right, just step over that.

-Right, down the other side.

-Good.

-OK.

-So, can you remember what's first?

-Yeah.

-What was first?

-The jammy sticks.

-The jammy sticks, OK, so...

-Are we ready?

-Yeah.

-Your time starts now, go!

OK, come on, work, work your way through,

let me see some effort there, come on!

Right, through those jammy sticks, come on, what's the matter with you?

Get some speed on!

-OK, right.

-You need a good time on this! Right.

-Hold the rod.

That's the rod!

Remember, there's a penalty...

BUZZ

-That's it. Right, get down!

-Get under it, get down.

-Get down!

-Now, crawl through.

-OK.

-The candle's burning.

Right, come on, get moving! What's wrong with you?

Come on!

-Now, do you remember what's next?

-The taps.

-The taps, the pipes.

Right, so get down! Get down and through the taps, under the piping.

This way! What is wrong with you?

Show some intelligence, come on!

Get through it! On my right. Keep going!

-Stand up.

-Get up, stand up.

-OK.

-You are not finished yet, keep going. Through there.

-Through there.

-Get angry.

-Aah!

-I want to see your war face, come on!

-Through the Cacka pool. Ready?

-Right!

-Ready?

-Through the Cackamats.

She's done it!

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Well done! You did it.

-She did it!

-Good effort, good effort.

One minute thirty. Rich, one minute thirty to beat.

-One minute thirty to beat, James, are you ready?

-I am ready.

OK, let's get you over the step. Careful, lift up your leg. That's it.

Over the step. Down the other side.

-And your time starts...now! Go.

-Jammy rods, get it moving.

-Let's see you wiggle! Wiggle through them, son.

-Round them!

-Get round 'em. OK, we're right.

-The buzzy thing, the buzzy thing.

30 second penalty point if you touch it, if you buzz.

BUZZ

No! Right, good one. On to the guillotine.

-30 second penalty, yes.

-Good man.

-Ooh... Oh!

-Nearly, right.

Under the taps. Keep going. Get low!

-Get yourself down and get low.

-Don't touch the tap! Oh, no!

He's touched the tap!

-He's touched the tap!

-Oi! This way, where are you going?

-DICK SQUAWKS WITH LAUGHTER

-Through the punchbag.

Through the punchbag, let me see your war face!

OK, through. Good.

-Through the pool!

-Through the Cackamats.

Keep going, keep going.

GONG

APPLAUSE

-Your time, James...

-Good effort.

-Was...

..one minute twenty.

-James, you did it!

-Well done. Well done!

That's fantastic news.

And now, just have a look back at that assault course

that you managed to conquer.

-Three, two, one, go.

-There it is.

That's your assault course.

It's done! It's a joke! It was a joke!

You see, the game we really wanted to play

was who can put their shoe on their head the fastest? Go!

Let me see some effort, get those shoes off!

Get your knees up, get the shoe on your head!

-Sarah!

-Sarah is the winner!

-Well done.

So...

Which concludes that all of that was a complete waste of airtime.

That was much quicker. We should've just done that.

Right, that means that Sarah gets the golden Hoopla hoop,

you're going to be in the Finalival.

Go and dry yourself off, James.

Here's the hoop, you've got 20 seconds in which to...

Hoopla!

HOOPLA JINGLE

Come on, get those hips moving! I want to see you move those hips!

Keep moving, pick it up! Pick it up!

What is wrong with you? Have you got no intelligence?

You horrible little woman! What is wrong with you?

I don't want you on this assault course any more.

Do I make myself clear? Are you getting it now? Soldier? Eh?

-Right, now, come on.

-Take her away. Good effort, good effort.

Is anyone ready for a bit of comedy?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yay!

You're going to love this. Please welcome to Hoopla, John Kimmons!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I'm just finishing off my picture,

I'm going to just put the hair in.

It's great, this. Do you like my picture?

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-It's good, isn't it? I'm doing all the hair, the hair.

Lots of - how do you do silly hair like that?

MUFFLED: It's rubbish!

-Pardon? I've got lots of hair, like this.

-It's rubbish.

-What did you say?

-I said it's rubbish!

No, it's not rubbish, is it? It's good, isn't it?

We're going top put an ear and an ear...

And an ear and an ear.

-That's fantastic, look at that.

-It's rubbish.

-It's good, that, isn't it?

-No, it's rubbish.

Do you want to see my friend inside here?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Come on out, and say hello to everybody.

-Really, me?

-Yes, you. Come on out and say hello.

-Yeah, me?

-Yeah.

Ha ha ha ha! Hello, hello, hello!

-Don't be frightened, children.

-No!

-I live under your bed.

-No, hey!

LAUGHTER

Ha ha ha ha ha!

-Look round the room...

-Hello, lady!

-What, the lady there?

-Yeah.

-I've been talking to her.

-I know.

-Yeah.

-I like the lady.

-Yeah?

-LADY: I like you too!

-Wahey!

-Don't be rude. I'm sorry, he's not very clever.

-Isn't he?

-No, not him!

-You.

-Me? I'm cleverer than you.

-What did you say?

-I said I'm cleverer than you.

-You're cleverer than me?

-Yeah, you're thick.

-Oh, really?!

-I'll test you.

-Go on, then. Test me.

-I'll test you. Look at that.

-Look at that.

-Look at that.

-It's your hand.

-I know it's my hand.

I've got ten apples in my hand.

LAUGHTER

-He's gone crazy now.

-No!

-I've got 20 apples in the other hand...

-Yeah?

-What have I got?

-Very big hands.

-Not very big hands!

-What if you had £85 in one pocket...?

-Yeah?

-And £65 in the other pocket...?

-Yeah?

-What would you have then?

-Somebody else's trousers.

-No!

I'm sorry. Face that way.

He's come along, he's ruined this entire thing.

-I was trying to draw a picture...

-That's rubbish.

-It's not rubbish.

-That's artwork.

-It's rubbish. The worst thing I've ever seen.

-It's so ugly.

-Ugly?

-Who are you calling ugly?

Wait a minute. You've got to go away. Get inside there.

Get inside there.

-I'm sorry. Are you talking now?

-Yeah.

-There's people watching.

-Hello. Aren't they ugly, hey?

-He can't say that. Apologise.

-Sorry.

-That's better.

-I'm sorry you're so ugly.

-Hey!

-Look at all the girls in the crowd.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

-They've got big ears.

They've not got big ears.

-What about the boys then?

-Big noses.

-Hey!

-Tell them what you think of me.

-You've got a big mouth.

A big mouth?

-I meant my new shirt. What do you think of this?

-It's your big belly.

I've got a secret weapon with me. He should have told me he could talk.

It's like Harry Potter, isn't it? A talking picture.

It's just like Harry Potter

but different enough not to infringe any copyrights.

-I can get rid of you with this. This is a board rubber.

-Why's it bored?

-Has it seen you?

-No.

-I can do it now.

-No. Shall I do it now?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

No! No! No! No!

-NO!

-Yeah.

-Now, what do you think?

-I'm a skinhead.

-You are a skinhead.

-I look like that man.

-You do not look like that man.

I'm sorry.

-I'm going to make him lose some weight.

-You should try it.

-Excuse me, I'm getting in shape.

-Round.

-Oh!

-I can make him disappear.

-No. No. No!

-Yeah.

-Now, what do you think?

-I feel faint.

I'm going to get rid of that and that. What do you say now?

Eh?

He can't hear me now. I'll get rid of that bit there.

-Not me nose - I can't talk properly now.

-I don't care.

With your mouth out, you'll not be talking at all.

CHARLIE MUMBLES

I'll get rid of his eyes, and he'll be gone,

and don't worry cos we'll never be hearing from him again.

I'm so sorry about that, that was my friend Charlie.

Let's have a nice big round of applause for him.

Thanks so much. Thank you.

Oi, you, you and you, turn around.

Right, sum up that in ten seconds

using one word each.

-Fantastic.

-Clever.

-Amazing.

-Funny.

-Pretty.

-Awesome.

TIME-UP BELL SOUNDS

-Let's see what's happening with the rest of this weeks show.

-Badoing.

Yes.

Plenty more Top Hat entertainment to come from -

Reverend And The Makers and Paul Daniels.

Plus, loads more Hoopla-style games,

leading to that all important Finalival,

where one lucky winner will receive a prize money just cannot buy!

But first...

# We were very happy

# Well, at least I thought we were

# Can somebody tell me

# What got into her?

# We had a house and home and a family

# And a man that loved her so

-# Who'd believe she'd leave us to join a

-HOOPLA

-show

# Whoa, say, has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose?

# Here's a picture when she was my sweet Mary-Jo

# Now she's got rings on her fingers and bells on her toes

# Say has anybody seen my sweet Gypsy Rose? #

Here I am!

Hiya. I'm Gypsy Rose Dick.

Some people like to call me GYPsy Rose, didn't you know?

So called because...

BURP! PRRRPPPTTT!

SPLOSH!

It's all happening today, isn't it?

These are my cards.

At the end of this game, someone's going to win another one of these!

Yes, a Golden Hoopla Hoop.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Show me some respect!

AUDIENCE: Sorry.

It's all right. Let's meet today's contestants for my Cards of Fate.

Please welcome up Reuben and Les - up you come, boys.

Lovely. You're in for a treat today.

I've been cooking all week - all me favourites.

Hiya, Reuben. A round of applause for Reuben.

AUDIENCE APPLAUSE Lovely. Oh, they like you.

Hello, Les. A round of applause for Les.

Let's get on with the game. Reuben, you're going to pick first.

Let me do my rhyme.

Cards, cards, I'm the cook, they will eat it then I'll burp,

pump and chuck.

BURP! PRRRPPPTTT!

SPLOSH!

It's coming out at all ends. Right, Reuben, pick a card.

What's Les going to be eating? Hold it up.

Show everyone at home.

Cold tomato soup, Les.

Lovely. That's not a bad start, is it?

Ten seconds to eat as many spoonfuls as you can.

Make sure you swallow it. Go!

One, two,

three, four,

-five, six, seven...

-STOP IT!

You liked that, didn't you? Stop, Les.

That means eight of these lovely spoonfuls of tomato soup...

Three, four,

five, six, seven, eight - go in your lush pint, Reuben.

Does is look nice?

-No.

-Lovely. Your turn to choose the cards.

I'm the cook, if they eat it I'm going to burp, pump and chuck.

BURP! PRRRPPPTTT!

SPLOSH!

Off you go, Les.

What you got? Cream cheese.

You started off all right, ain't you? Is this cream cheese? Lovely.

Ten seconds. Off you go.

Make sure you swallow it.

One, two...he's going for a big...oh!

Three...four...

STOP IT!

Make sure you swallow it, Reuben.

Let's see your mouth.

There we are - a cream cheese coated tongue. You get four.

One, two...one on table, two, three, four! Lovely. Right then.

Back to you, Reuben. Time for you to pick a card! I'm the cook.

If they eat it I'm going to burp, pump and chuck.

BURP! PRRRPPPTTT!

SPLOSH!

Go on, Reuben. Show it to everyone at home. Honey.

# Honey bee, where's the honey? #

There we are, Les.

Ten seconds start now.

Sweet as honey.

Very sweet. Two.

Can he swallow it? He has.

-Three...

-STOP IT!

Can he swallow the lot? Yes, it's gone. Well done, Les.

Three of them with your tomato soup.

A nice little mixture coming together.

Cards, cards, I'm the cook, If they eat it I'm going to burp,

pump and chuck.

BURP! PRRRPPPTTT!

SPLOSH!

What a mess. Go on, Les.

What you got?

Mushy peas. I knew Reuben wanted the mushy peas. There you are, Reuben.

Ten seconds start now.

Nice and cold they are.

Just how you like them. That's two.

He's taking big spoonfuls. Three. Oh!

Make sure you swallow it. Four.

-STOP IT!

-Can he swallow it?

Get it down you. Three mouthfuls of cold mushy stuff.

Go on.

Come on. It will go in his pint if you can do it.

Yes! Well done.

One of them. Two of them. Three of them. Oh, that will be nice.

Right, back to the cards.

Cards, cards I'm the cook, if they eat it I'll burp, pump and chuck.

BURP! PRRRPPPTTT!

SPLOSH!

Pick a card, Reuben.

What you got?

Tuna! Oh, Les, one of my favourites. Here you are. Tuna in the brine.

There it is for you. Ten seconds start now.

I can smell it from here.

Two.

Remember, these are going in your lush pint, Reuben.

-Will he do three?

-STOP IT!

Is it going down the hatch?

It's gone!

That means, Reuben, one, two three - how do you feel about that?

Not good.

Les, your turn to pick.

Cards, cards, I'm the cook, they will eat it and I'm going to burp,

pump and chuck.

BURP! PRRRPPPTTT!

SPLOSH!

Go on then. Pick.

Show everyone at home. You've got houmous. Nice.

A nice bit of garlic and chickpeas.

Ten seconds start now.

One, two, three, no more kissing the

girls, four...oh!

STOP IT!

You just about got five there.

Right, one, two, have a bit more. I know how much you like the food.

Lovely. That's the end of the game.

It's time to get out Dick's Mystic Mixes. There they are.

Hold on to your pints tightly.

I'm going to mix them up and you're going to down them Here we go.

RUMBLING AND SPLOSHING

Down your pint.

The first person to down it and put it on their head is the winner. Go!

Oh!

I've seen some sights in my time.

Go on, Reuben! Oh!

Cut it out, Reuben, that's not going to end the game. You down it.

Who's going to win this one - this is...this is...oh.

They're about neck and neck. Go on, Les.

Oh, Les is thinking about it.

You're nearly there. Come on. One more gulp. Oh.

Oh. Yes, we got a winner!

Congratulations, Rueben. Hard luck, Les. What was wrong with it?

That was horrible.

Looks all right to me. Off you go then, Les.

Give him a round of applause.

Well done, Les.

Reuben, you're the winner. Let me get

your hoop. Here you are.

Look what you've won!

Stand over here.

A place in the Finalival, but first 20 seconds in which to Hoopla!

AUDIENCE CHEER

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Come on, Reuben.

Keep going.

Lovely!

The Kid Clown will take you away, we'll see you later on.

Tara. It were great today, weren't it?

GET OUT! NOW! Cos it's time for Reverend And The Makers.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

MUSIC: "The Wrestler" by Reverend And The Makers

# The warmth of the old The thrill of the new

# But he won't be told Now he's taken the view

# That the guilt is a foe that he'd much rather fight tomorrow

# He's taking her home He's had a few

# Sally is sold because she's had a few too

# But the guilt is a foe that they'd both rather fight tomorrow

# So if you grapple get a grip quick, don't slip tonight

# No stone cold speed No men in tights

# But there's a one, two, three when your conscience pins you down

# You can come at it with a drop kick, it's quick to scar

# And turn a tussle into no holds barred

# You are the wrestler, and your conscience pins you down

# Preventing the pouts, persuading the doubts

# Removing the chance of ever being found out

# Time goes, take two, so they'll tag team till tomorrow

# The warmth of the old The thrill of the new

# But he won't be told Now he's taken the view

# That the guilt is a foe that they'd both rather fight tomorrow

# So if you grapple get a grip quick, don't slip tonight

# No stone cold speed No men in tights

# But there's a one, two, three when your conscience pins you down

# You can come at it with a drop kick, it's quick to scar

# And turn a tussle into no holds barred

# You are the wrestler, and your conscience pins you down

# I bet everyone's been a wrestler before

# Until you find that can't have her more

# I bet everyone's been a wrestler before

# Until you find out that you can't have her more

# I bet everyone's been a wrestler before

# Until you find out that you can't have her more

# I bet everyone's been a wrestler before

# Until you find out that can't have her more

# So if you grapple get a grip quick, don't slip tonight

# No stone cold speed No men in tights

# But there's a one, two, three when your conscience pins you down

# You can come at it with a drop kick, it's quick to scar

# And turn a tussle into no holds barred

# You are the wrestler, and your conscience pins you down. #

AUDIENCE CHEERS

That was all right, wasn't it?

The Wrestler - Jackie Pallo, Giant Haystacks and all that.

I've been writing a song myself. Took me three years. Ready?

# Gravel, gravel ten mile gravel

# Ten mile wash going to stick it on me drive

# Stick it on me drive cos it's ten mile wash

# I like gravel in the... #

Who will be joining the sublime Sophie, the superb Sarah

and the remarkable Reuben in our spectacular Finalival?

Let's find out as we play Roger Malcolm's Hat Full of Fear.

Well, hello, and welcome once again to Roger Malcolm's Hat Full of Fear.

Are you all right? How's Steven? How's Auntie Valerie?

Is her leg better? I don't know why I'm saying that - it's not spooky.

Let's meet today's contestant. Hello, Steven, what's your name?

-Samuel.

-All right, Adrian. Do you spook easily?

-Sometimes.

-Sometimes?

Let's hope not today because getting spooked will make you fail.

You're in the game to win this lovely golden Hoopla

and a place in the Finalival a little bit later on.

-Do you want to win?

-Yes, I do.

Only the bravest can survive my terrifying ghost train.

The rules are simple - don't spill the juice from your head gear,

and when you're in the train inside my ghostly, spooky,

nightmare, horror, misery world, don't touch your helmet.

-Do you understand?

-Yes.

-All right.

Before you ride my ghost train, I can't let you go in there

without a ding, so - # Gimme, gimme, gimme that ding. #

DING

Shove off! Bye-bye.

ROGER LAUGHS

SCREAMING

Voice: Big, sloppy grandmother kisses.

ROGER LAUGHS

HOWLING

GABRIEL SHOUTS

AUDIENCE CHEER

Well, well, well.

You've made a nasty mess. Step out, please.

Step out of your little train. Don't spill it - very carefully.

That's right, Damien. Right, has there been any cheating?

Gabriel, has there been any cheating?

No, Roger, he was a very good boy. He never touched his helmet.

That's absolutely fantastic, Gerald, you didn't touch your helmet.

Let's have a little measure.

That is two of your Earth centimetres. Very well done.

Let's hear it!

The beautiful clown of the Hoopla.

Come along, let's meet contestant number two.

Contestant number two, what's your name, my dear?

-It's Kate.

-Kate, that's a lovely name. Do you spook easily, Kate?

-Sometimes.

-Sometimes.

What if Jedward were in your wardrobe,

doing a very tricky crossword, wearing shiny shoes?

-Not really.

-I think that would be very very spooky.

I'd phone the police.

You know what's going on.

You can't spill this juice from your head gear.

-Whatever you do, don't touch your helmet! Do you understand?

-Yeah.

All right. Very best of luck. Oh!

Before you go I've got to give you a ding so -

# Gimme, gimme, gimme that ding. #

DING

That was a very strange vocal delivery from me, but there we are.

Off we go! Shove off!

MAN LAUGHS

I don't know what's going on.

VOICE: Double history, every single day.

Two centimetres to beat - will she do it?

CACKLING

-Aaah!

-Ahhh!

A scream. A scream. Yes.

AUDIENCE CHEER

You are very naughty.

I scared her, Roger, I scared her.

Very well done, Gabriel. Kate, if you just step out.

Very carefully step out.

-Oh, deary me. Gabriel, did she cheat inside?

-No, she was very good.

-She never touched her helmet.

-That's good, very good, Kate.

-Oh, my days.

Hang on a minute.

You look spooky and scared now, Kate. This is marvellous.

Two centimetres to beat.

Let's have a look.

Four of your Earth centimetres. Kate is the winner.

Kate, if you just step down. The ghost of all things spooky.

You put this over your head and you do a nice Hula dance.

But only when I start singing. OK, are you ready?

Here we go.

# Gimme that, gimme that, gimme, gimme, gimme that

# Gimme that ding, gimme that

# Gimme, gimme that, gimme that ding

# Gimme that gimme, gimme that, gimme, gimme, gimme that ding. #

Wasn't that absolutely adorable?

Well played. She'll be in the Finalival later.

What's next? Oh, I don't know. Oh, yes, a fantastic magician.

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-Who is it, Roger?

-I'm going to tell them.

It's Paul Daniels!

Roll up, roll up, roll up and listen to this.

My name is Paul Daniels. I am the world's greatest magician.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Maybe not. Anyway, yes.

In 1780... This is a history lesson cos I know you love school.

In 1780 a lady called Mary Toft gave birth to rabbits.

Well, she said she did.

And the magicians didn't believe her.

So they started to do a trick to take the mickey out of her, really.

What it was, they would borrow a top hat because in those days

audiences would come to a show and they would be so elegant.

Times have changed.

And so they would borrow a top hat

and then they would produce a rabbit from it and it became the badge,

the logo of every magician ever since.

But now you never see it.

AUDIENCE: Aww!

So I thought I should show you this wonderful trick.

It is my pleasure and privilege to show you the wonderful

rabbit from a hat.

CHEERING

No...just throw money. Now, this...

This is nothing to do with the trick, but all magicians do it.

So, you need a hat. There's nothing in here, or here, or here, or here.

Please remember that whilst doing the trick and that I...I...

Now. A rabbit from a hat. Nothing here, nothing here.

And what I'm going to do, ladies and gentlemen,

is produce a rabbit from...

I shall stand at this end of the table.

Now, please note - nothing, nothing. Not a lot. Now.

Get ready for the...

I shall keep hold of the hat whilst producing a rabbit from it.

One of the best kept secrets in the world of magic.

ALARM BLARES

It's coming by train.

Millions have been fooled.

This end, I said.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: That end!

You think? I'll go that end. Ladies and gentlemen...

Due to a heckler that I cannot pick on...

..I shall now produce a rabbit from a hat.

I shall sneak up on the pesky wabbit.

Oh, calamity! The curtain has fallen from the front.

Why didn't you tell me? Look, we'll have to start again.

We'll have to start again. I'm sorry about that.

OK.

ENGINE ROARS

AUDIENCE MEMBER: The rabbit went off on a motor car!

Oh, no, it didn't!

AUDIENCE: Oh, yes, it did!

Oh, no, it didn't. Did you?

Come on, baby. Up!

A rabbit from a hat.

My hero! My hero! My hero! My hero! My hero!

MOUTHS: Paul Daniels! Paul Daniels!

What's that in your mouth? Get rid of it! Spit it out!

Get rid of it! Spit it out! Spit it out! Get rid of it!

Ten seconds to tell us what you thought about...what are you doing?

That!

ALARM BLARES

FARMYARD ANIMAL NOISES

MOUTHS WORDS

And now it's time for this!

'Ladies and gentlemen! It's here! It's coming! It's the Fin...'

'Ladies and gentlemen.

'In the game you're about to see no men, women, children,

'clowns or ferrets were harmed.

-'Not even a little teeny bit. Enjoy!'

-..alival!

Yes, that's right! It's the Finalival!

And here's our Finalivalists. There's Sarah! And Sophie!

Katie! And Reuben!

One of them will be going away with the Golden Hoopla trophy!

Go stand behind the podiums because it's time to start round one!

Hoopla!

Round one is called Brush Your Teeth.

You've got 30 seconds in which to do it.

Now Dom had tea with the brand-new Director General of the BBC.

-Yes, yes, I did, yes.

-And what did he say to you?

What he said to me, "One of my first priorities

"as the new Director General is I will not accept any cacky breath!"

-All right?

-So you've got to get them clean.

We'll give points. The panel over there of judges,

including Mike Pooh from the fairground.

-Hello, Michael!

-All right, get on with it!

They'll be scoring you on vigour, dribbly bits

and frothing your mouth up. So, ready, three, two, one, go!

The more effort you put in,

the stronger your chance of getting big points.

-Come on! Who's going to win?

-Who's going to win?

-Who's going to win? Who's going to win?

-Come on, then!

-Will it be Katie?

-Put some elbow into it, girls! Come on!

-Will it be Sarah? Or will it be Sophie?

-Get frothing!

Wooooah! Time's up! Stop! Stop! Stop what you're doing!

OK, we've got froth, we've got white dribbly bits,

but now it's over to Michael Pooh

and the rest of the judges to let us know who got the most points.

-So, starting with Sarah.

-Right. Ready, go.

-Er... seven plus six is...

-22 points for Sarah.

That's cos it's not, I mean, look, useless, really.

Now, over to Sophie.

-It's foaming. It's dribbling.

-Points for Sophie, please, Michael.

All right, you ready? Here we go.

-Eight plus seven is er...16, then eight and five...

-28! My goodness me!

-Is that blood?! It is!

-Is it?!

You've been brushing a bit too hard, love!

-You're bleeding out your mouth!

-You made your gums bleed!

Hey, it's true you can see the stripe in the middle!

LAUGHTER

-So, over to Kate who's now ripped her mouth to shreds.

-Ready, go.

-It's got to be worth a few more points.

-Yeah, it is...

-Eighteen, nine, seven..! 34!

-34!

-34 for Kate, well done.

For cutting your gums you're in the lead.

And lastly but not leastly...Reuben! How many points for Reuben?

-Right, here we go.

-Er...three, six and nine..!

-15...26.

So, you've got your points

but now it's time to confirm who will be losing the first round.

The person to be eliminated from the first round is...

-with only 22 points...it's Sarah. Sorry, Sarah.

-Goodbye, Sarah.

-Go join the clowns...

-Goodbye and farewell. Good luck!

Cos the kid clowns are going to take you away

to ride the Lion With No Pride.

Go on, give her a round of applause!

CHEERING

Hold on tight, Sarah! Hold on tight! That's it.

He likes crisps. He likes them.

Isn't it shaming, ladies and gentlemen?!

-I mean, look how shamed she looks!

-Very shamed!

Enough of that. It's time for round two.

Hoopla!

Step forward, step forward!

Wipe your mouth, wipe the blood off your mouth, Kate,

cos this next round is called I'm The Best In The World.

But who will be the best in the world?

You're going to hear a piece of music with instrumental bits in it

and we're going to tell you that you've got to do something

and you've got to do it to the best of your ability

to try and get those points. Play the music, please.

# I am the best in the world...#

Sophie first.

# The best in the world The very best at... #

Milking a cow.

-Or pretending to.

-Go on, milk a cow.

-The better you do it the more points you will get.

-They are big udders!

-They are big udders!

-They are pretty fat udders, ladies and gentlemen!

-Yes.

-Next! Next! Kate, milk a cow. Stop now, Sophie.

I know you're enjoying yourself.

-Slow action.

-Yes, well, OK. It's good milking. Plenty of full cream milk.

Well done, next. Reuben.

-Milk the cow!

-He looked like he didn't want to. But he's doing it.

Are you surprised? His mates are watching. Stop!

# I am the best in the world

# The best in the world The very best at... #

Crying like a baby.

SOPHIE CRIES LIKE A BABY

Oh, she's good. She's got the pitch right.

This is good, this is good.

She's looking at us as if she wants to stop.

DICK AND DOM: Next!

KATE CRIES LIKE A BABY

Go on, Kate.

-Oh!

-A little baby. Awww.

Do you think they still do this at home now?

-It feels like it, they're quite good at it.

-Next!

-Reuben.

Uh...

CRIES UNCONVINCINGLY LIKE A BABY

-Oh...

-Wait.

-No, hold on, hold on, stop the music a minute.

-Reuben.

Who thinks that Reuben's feeling a little bit self-conscious?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Who thinks Reuben's got to that age

where he's aware of his mates watching?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

Who thinks we should make him do it properly?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Do it!

-Reuben, cry like a baby!

REUBEN CRIES LIKE A BABY

Oh, stop, exactly the same. Right, move on.

# I am the best in the world

# The best in the world The very best at... #

That was like crying like a teenager, Reuben.

Anyway, back to Sophie. You've got to speak in your own made-up language.

Go.

SOPHIE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

-What language is it?

-Sophie.

Sophie language. Very good.

Next!

KATE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Hang on a minute....

I think that actually does exist as a language, you know?!

-As her a question.

-Uh...

DOM SPEAKS GIBBERISH

What, come on..!

KATE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Not in front of the nice boys and girls, OK?

Next! Reuben.

REUBEN SPEAKS GIBBERISH

Rubbish!

Should we make him do it for another five minutes?

AUDIENCE: Yes!

REUBEN CONTINUES TO SPEAK GIBBERISH

# I was the best in the world

# The best thing ever The best thing ever

# The best thing in the world. #

There we are.

But who was the best in the world?

I think we might know who wasn't the best in the world.

So, Sophie, could we have points for Sophie being the best in the world?

All right, boys. Sophie's points are as follows.

14, 21, 29. 29 points for Sophie.

The nice Katie over here. Kate, Katie, Kate.

-Points for Kate and her bleeding gums.

-Here we go.

26 points.

Hang on, two seconds.

Reuben, if you have 26 points or more

you go through to the Final Finalival.

But I think you probably want 25 or less so that you can just leave.

-Yes.

-Mind you, you will be sat on a lion over there, which is lovely.

-It's got a silly face. So let's find out your points.

-Ready. Up!

-Ohhh! Very disappointing there.

-Reuben, you were rubbish!

So, the next contestant to leave the Finalival is...

-Well, we know, don't we? He only got 11. It's Reuben.

-Reuben!

Cheers, mate!

CHEERING

DICK AND DOM LAUGH

He didn't like that, but I don't think he's going to like this

cos now he's got to ride the Lion With No Pride!

There you go.

DICK AND DOM LAUGH

-Everybody point!

-Point and laugh!

-Point at him!

Stop!

It is the final of the Finalival!

CHEERING

Yes, here we are with our Finalivalists.

It's Sophie and it's Kate, but who's going to win?

Behind me here you'll see there are eight bins.

In seven of those bins are treasure. Yes!

Because only on this show we give away the best prizes

on British television! Hmm!

-AUDIENCE: Woo!

-This is a life-changing show.

In these bins aren't just objects but life opportunities.

Just out of interest, if you could have anything inside those bins,

what would it be?

-One Direction.

-One Direction!

Well, who knows, there could be an envelope

with a chance to meet One Direction.

-What would you like, Kate?

-The same.

-Oh?

-The same, One Direction in a bin.

Right. There could be two envelopes.

The one thing that we haven't mentioned

is that there is a clown in one of these bins. His name is Cyril.

-Cyril.

-And Cyril is a very wrong clown.

-If you find him, you lose!

-Right.

So, the one with the most points in the last round was you, Sophie.

So, think of that. One Direction, treasure, gold.

What bin isn't Cyril in?

Number two.

-OK.

-Good luck, Sophie. I hope you get what your dream is.

-Go over to the bin, Sophie.

-Come on, then, go to the bin!

-Lift the lid.

-Aargh!

-What is it? Pick it up and bring it here.

Bring it, bring it over here! Bring it over here!

-Has her dream come true?

-So, Sophie, what have you got?

A lollipop.

A lollipop!

Look, it's not pop music, it's lollipop.

Kate, come forward.

You wanted the same as Sophie, to meet One Direction.

-But first, which bin isn't Cyril in?

-Number six.

-Number six.

-Make your way over to the bin.

-Hang on a minute.

-Lift the lid!

What is it? Bring it! Bring it here! Bring it over!

-Kate, bring it here, let's see what you...oh! Look!

-What is it?

-A rubber dinghy.

-A rubber dinghy thingy.

-Look, everybody!

AUDIENCE: Woo!

It's Kate's to keep whatever happens, like we said,

-it's the best prizes on British TV.

-Yeah!

OK, then, right, Sophie. Come on, then. Stand there, good, right.

-Which bin isn't Cyril in?

-Number three.

-Number three.

OK. Good luck. I hope there's treasure.

Good luck.

Any time today, Sophie. Lift the lid.

SOPHIE SCREAMS

Cyril! I know she wasn't supposed to find you but that wasn't very nice!

Well, I don't know what happened, but thanks for that, mate.

-Sorry about that. Don't worry, I think she's just knocked out.

-Yeah.

-So don't worry about that.

-But the good news is,

over here we have a winner!

It's Kate! She's the winner of this week's Hoopla!

Here's your trophy!

-So, Kate!

-Kate! How do you feel?

-Amazing.

-Brilliant. Anything else?

-It feels amazing.

-It's just really good, I'm really happy.

Thank you, guys.

-Oh, no! Look! Look! Kate has been turned into a kid clown.

-Kate...

I know your mum was here today but have you got anything to say to her?

KATE SPEAKS GIBBERISH

What's that? You want to leave her and join our carnival for ever?

Oh, for ever, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

-Well, that's it!

-Thank you to all the guests

that have been on the show today. All our comedy acts,

-all our musical performers.

-It was a great show.

The Pooh Brothers as well, thank you very much to them.

-Thank you very much to the kid clowns.

-Not forgetting all you lot!

The Wig Wam Bammers, give yourself a cheer!

That's you!

Join us next time, and who knows...

next time the Hoopla might be coming to a town near you!

Hoopla!

'Dick and Dom would like to point out that Sophie

'survived her encounter with Cyril

'and is now a semi-professional boxer.'

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd