Episode 6 Dick and Dom's Hoopla

Hoopla!

# Fire up the van and hit the open road

# We're putting on a show from a travelling abode

# Fabulous feats that are crazy and colourful

# Prepare to be amazed by the weird and the wonderful

# Hoopla

# Everybody shout Hoopla

# All together now Hoopla

# Everybody loves Hoopla

# There'll be magic mayhem mystery suspense

# Prizes surprises it's going to be immense

# From Matlock to Margate Pontefract to Perth

# It's simply going to be the greatest show on Earth

# Hoopla

# Everybody shout Hoopla

# All together now Hoopla

# Everybody loves Hoopla. #

WIND WHISTLES

TYRES SCREECH

-Hoopla! AUDIENCE:

-Hoopla.

APPLAUSE

DRUM ROLL

XYLOPHONE MUSIC

SILENCE!

COUGHING

FANFARE AND APPLAUSE

Hoopla!

Hello, one and all, and welcome to the show!

-This week coming to you live from the town of...

-Live-ish!

From the town of Badsisters!

CHEERS

Welcome to the fairground!

This week again, somebody's going to be leaving with the solid gold

Hoopla trophy, and it's made out of solid gold chewing gum wrappers!

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Oh! And crank it up, Rodney!

And we have got some of THE best acts on the planet

for your delectation and delight.

You're going to love Matt Pang...

It looks like I'm going to fall on you... I am.

We've also got Slightly Fat Features...

You're all looking at us like this...

And, ask your mum and dad about them, cos they're a great band,

they're still with us, it's the Brotherhood Of Man!

# Kisses for me

# Save all your kisses for me... #

But now, whatever you do, don't try and copy this next act.

It's time to release the Disco Clown!

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: "Le Freak" by Chic

# Freak out!

# Have you heard about the new dance craze?

# Listen to us, I'm sure you'll be amazed

# Big fun to be had by everyone

# Allow us, we'll show you the way

# Oh, freak out! #

MUSIC: "Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough" by Michael Jackson

# Keep on with the force don't stop

# Don't stop 'til you get enough

# Keep on with the force don't stop

# Don't stop 'til you get enough

# Ooh! #

MUSIC: "Stayin' Alive" by Bee Gees

# Stayin' alive

# Stayin' alive

# Feel the city breakin' and everybody shakin'

# And we're stayin' alive,

# Stayin' alive

# Ah, ha, ha, ha, stayin' alive

# Stayin' alive

# Ah, ha, ha, ha... #

MUSIC: "Disco Inferno" by The Trammps

# Disco inferno

# Burn baby burn

# Burn that mama down

# Burn baby burn

# Disco inferno

# Burn baby burn... #

MUSIC: "Boogie Wonderland" by Earth, Wind and Fire

# Dance

# Boogie Wonderland

# Hey, hey

# Dance

# Boogie Wonderland. #

APPLAUSE

Here. Come on! Ten seconds to tell us what you thought about that.

That was amazing.

Ha ha.

That doesn't concern you! Don't look at that.

-DICK MAKES CHOKING NOISES

-What else?

Fantastic.

Can someone tell me what's going on?

Now it's time for this.

The road to the Finaleval starts here.

It's time for our first game - the Hand of Cackamanga!

APPLAUSE

One of these fine people could be winning another golden Hoopla hoop,

as long as they keep away from the...

BOTH: Hand of Cackamangaaaaa!

Yes, all over my bulbous,

swollen red hand is Dick's Cackamanga juice.

Dick has been in the pantry for four hours,

squeezing the Cackamanga fruit to provide you, the viewer,

-with Cackamanga juice for this game.

-Lovely.

If you get smeared with it, or marked by it, you're out, OK? Are you ready?

ALL: Leave us alone!

The last one standing wins.

BOTH: Cackamanga!

# Where's that splodgy hand going to land?

# We don't know Ca-Cackamanga

# Drive that dodgem till the sun goes down

# Drive it good or you'll get Cackamanga'ed

# They'll progress if they just accelerate

# Oh! You've been Cackamanga'ed

# Kapow, you're going to get a splat

# So deal with that, you're out

# Cackamanga

# Ca-Ca-Cackamanga-manga

# Racing along at four miles an hour

# Pulling G on this titan of power

# Come on, we've only got an hour

# You've been Ca-Cackamanga'ed

# Ca-Cackamanga

# Kapow, you've had a splat

# So deal with that, you're out

# Come on let's get Cackamanga'ed

# Yeah, Cack Yeah, Cack

# Yeeeah!

# Reload that goo, oh reload that goo

# Reload that goo

# Yeah, yeah, reload that goo

# There's the Cacker's yard

# Who's on their way?

# It's not very hard

# Oh my goodness, say au revoir

# He-haw he-haw, le main de Cackamanga

# Take a bow, it's all in the now

# Your life is ruined by Cackamanga

# Kerblat, kersplash, splish-splash

# Only two cars left

# Who's going to go?

# It's like they're trying to take it to Monaco

# We have a winn-e-e-e-er

# Cackamanga-a-a-a. #

The winner!

It's Jasmine! Yeah!

APPLAUSE

You're going through to the Finaleval

at the end of the show, to win prizes that money can't buy.

-Prizes.

-Believe me, money can't buy them. Right!

There's your golden Hoopla hoop. Three, two, one, Hoopla!

HOOPLA JINGLE

Da da da daaa!

Ooh!

SQUELCH

Ha ha ha! You won anyway, don't worry.

And now for something truly...

-Amazing.

-Do you want to taste it?

-No.

Amamanamana...

Hey!

Amanama baba manamana ba.

Phwoar! There's something funny round here.

What is it? Oh, it's you.

Come on, sit down.

You're going to have the truth told about you, and put on record.

Please don't sit too close to me, I've just had me breakfast.

Thank you.

# Who put salt in the sugar bowl?

# Who put fireworks in the coal?

# Who put a real-life toad in the hole?

# My mother

# Who put jam in brother's shoe?

# Who made real caterpillar stew?

# Who locked Granddad in the loo?

# My mother

# My mother said it wasn't she

# Who put shampoo in Grandma's tea

# My mother said that it was me

# My mother's rotten

# Who squeezed toothpaste round the hall?

# Who put soot in the baby's ball?

# Who drew things on the garden wall?

# My mother

# Whose pet mouse made Grandma shriek?

# Who ate glue and couldn't speak?

# What clever-dick was sick for a week?

# My mother

# Who keeps maggots in a tin?

# Plays the Twist on a violin?

# Who's been getting at the gin?

# My mother

# She looks just like a chimney sweep

# Though dirt, they say, is just skin-deep

# I know she's good when she's asleep... #

But you don't know what she's dreaming about, do you?

# My lovely, lovely mother. #

Come on, let's get you out of here before you fall down

the hole in the middle.

Come on, take me hand, we're going for a walk.

'Ere, what've you had in your hand?

'Ave you? Phwoar.

APPLAUSE

If you think that's bad,

you should see what she did in the burger van.

Ooh. Now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time for this.

It's Hoopla game number two.

The Finaleval winner awaits the brave winner of...

The Impossible Assault Course of Doom!

APPLAUSE

Yeah. Yeah!

Your chance to win another golden Hoopla hoop

and get your place in the Finaleval at the end of the show.

And here we are, look at this, this Assault Course of Doom,

it's all there, and it is the most difficult assault course

in the entire world.

-So these are my players. Who are you?

-Molly.

-Who are you?

-Michael.

Hello, Molly and Michael. Welcome. This is Sergeant Tony Jamaica.

And I'm going to go down the course with him now,

so you can see what you're going to be doing.

-Pay attention.

-Mind the step!

And then you've got to get round these jammy rods.

Then you've got to do the buzzy wire, don't touch,

cos if you do you get a 30-second time penalty.

The candle's burning the rope, it could chop your head off.

Get under the taps - don't touch the taps, cos you'll get wet.

Mind the punchbag, get round it, through the Cackamanga juice,

and that is the end. Lovely.

Well, it's going to be even more difficult,

cos we're going to blindfold you as well.

The person that's the fastest will be the winner.

-How many fingers am I holding up?

-She can't see nothing.

-OK.

-Completely blindfolded.

-Right then.

And now, just to disorientate you,

we're going to spin you round a little bit.

And the audience are going to delight to Sergeant Jamaica dancing.

MUSIC: "Jingle Bells" ON ELECTRIC GUITAR

Oh, lovely. Very nice.

Don't worry, Molly, don't worry, Michael, you didn't miss much.

OK, so come over here, Molly.

So, go over the - oops! There's the step.

-Come over the step. OK, now...

-Remember, looking for good effort.

OK? Good effort.

-All right. So, what was the first thing? Do you remember?

-Um...

-You have to go and weave...

-The jammy rods. OK, that's a good start.

-Your time starts now.

-Right, OK.

Come on, let's see you work your way through!

Come on, get on with it, show some motivation!

Get through! Work your way round!

Get on with it, what are you doing?

If you don't want to do it you should've joined the RAF.

Come on, get here. Hold the rod, hold the rod.

Remember, try not to touch the iron bar,

otherwise you'll get an electrocuted penalty point.

30-second penalty point if you touch it. You've touched it!

What are you doing?! Is there something wrong with you?

-All right, go on, move. On the floor.

-Guillotine.

-Get on!

Get your knees up!

-Oh!

-All right, keep moving.

Get up.

Now remember, what's next is all the pipes, and the shower, OK?

So don't touch the taps.

Right, on the floor. Going to crawl it. On the floor, get down.

-Go.

-Get your head down.

Keep moving. No, don't touch the taps!

What is wrong with you?

-You horrible little girl, lie down!

-OK, watch out for the punchbag.

-Punchbag. Watch out. Quick.

-Keep going!

-Oh!

-Right.

-Over the Cackamanga juice.

-The Cackamanga juice!

-Ready?

Stop the clock!

GONG

APPLAUSE

She did really well, she did really well!

Well, she was quite slow, Michael. It was 1 minute 36 seconds.

So come with me. Mind the step, mind the step! Get your leg over the step.

Onto the assault course, right, there you go.

OK, Michael, looking for good strong effort, OK?

-Get motivated, let me see your war-face!

-Yeah!

That's it, come on, right!

Remember, you're right in front of the jammy rods.

-Your time starts now, go!

-Right, go.

Get on with it, come on, get yourself through, good.

That is moving, keep moving!

-Right.

-Let me give you... There's your rod!

There's the rod, but don't touch the...

BUZZ

Aah, you touched it! 30-second penalty. Right, under the...

Keep going, this is good! No, what are you doing?

You got the guillotine.

-Get on the floor.

-Right.

-Get on the floor now!

-Get under the taps.

-Not that way!

-Get under...

-You stupid man. Not that way!

-This way!

-That way!

-Right, under the taps.

-Keep moving.

-Get right under, down more, down more!

-Mind the taps.

-Oh, the taps. Oh!

-Come on!

-The punchbag, come on!

-Come back here! Get up on your feet!

-Round the punchbag.

-Come round the punchbag.

-Round the punchbag!

Ha ha ha ha!

-Stop!

-Ah, you've done it!

GONG

APPLAUSE

-OK.

-I think you two deserve to see the assault course,

so lift off the blindfolds, have a look at your assault course.

That is what you have just done.

Lovely.

It was a joke! It was a joke! Did you like the joke?

Right, the joke took ages.

But actually, what we REALLY want you to do is take your shoe off

and put it on your head, first one to do it is the winner. Go!

-Go.

-Come on, get your shoe on your head! What are you doing?

Put it on your head, you idiot! Keep going! Get it on your head!

-Hooray, Michael!

-He still wins anyway.

-Oh, fantastic.

-Lovely. Marvellous.

So there we go, here's your golden Hoopla.

You won the pointless competition. Put that on.

Ladies and gentlemen, Michael will...

-Hoopla!

-HOOPLA JINGLE

Get it moving round your hips! You stupid little man.

If you cannot put in the effort you should've joined the RAF,

you idiot!

What is wrong with you?

I will give you a year in pokey if you don't get this done! Pick it up!

Pick it up, you idiot! What is wrong? Do it better!

Get it round you.

-Yeah, there we are.

-Take him away.

-Take him away. See you later.

-End of the show.

-Bye-bye. Off you go.

And now, I know you're particularly excited about this, aren't you?

Ladies and gentlemen, it's Grunway Thom.

APPLAUSE

Hello, my name is Grunway Thom.

My fist name is Grunway,

it's like an airport runway with a G at the front, like G-runway.

And today we're going to show you a classic of street magic.

It's called Find the Lady.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

It's very simple. Over here, on my right,

I have nothing.

Over here, on my left, nothing.

However, in the middle, I have...

A lady. There she is.

-AUDIENCE: Ooh!

-Now, these buckets can move around.

And by moving them around like that,

you'll leave the lady where she was a moment ago, in the middle.

Now, you're asking yourself...

What would've happened if I left the lady over here on my right? Simple.

That's where she would've been.

Or she could've been in the middle, which is where she was a moment ago.

Or she can be over here on my left hand side,

which is where she is now.

But let's not complicate things,

let's leave her where she started, in the middle.

Thank you.

Good. I've...ha! You're all looking at us like this...

LAUGHTER

Um, sir, over here, man over here, man looking scared. Hello, sir.

-What's your name, sir?

-Andy.

-Andy.

Andy, have you ever played Find the Lady before?

-Not that I can think of.

-Not that you can think of. OK, Andy.

-We're going to play now, OK?

-OK.

Andy, at the moment, where is the lady?

-In the middle.

-In the middle, there she is.

Now, Andy, we're going to move the lady around, nice and slowly,

first time, OK?

OK, nice and slow.

-Andy, where is the lady?

-On the right.

-On the right. My right?

-Yeah.

My right, here. Give Andy a round of applause, he's found the lady!

APPLAUSE

Well done, Andy. OK, Andy,

we're going to go a little bit faster, OK,

a little bit faster for you, Andy.

-Andy, where's the lady now?

-On your left.

-On the left. On my left?

Sorry, that's a man. We're not playing Find the Man.

We're playing Find the Lady.

The lady is still over here

on my right, OK, Andy?

-So, where's the lady, Andy?

-On your right.

On my right, well done, there she is.

And over here on my left?

-Was a man.

-A man? There he is. OK.

LAUGHTER

-In the middle?

-Nothing.

No, we've got both, lady and a boy.

OK, brilliant.

Now, we'll go one more time, this is the last one, Andy.

This is the final one. Andy...

Where is the lady?

-In the middle.

-Ha ha, in the middle?

Let's have a look.

Give Andy a round of applause, he's found the lady!

APPLAUSE

But we...

We are Slightly Fat Features, and this is Dick and Dom's Hoopla,

so we've got a lady over here...

And we've got a lady over there.

And that is Slightly Fat Features' Find the Lady!

APPLAUSE

Oh. Right.

Er, right, OK, young man.

You have ten seconds to review the act you have just seen,

but you must sing it, all right?

-Sing your review.

-Here we go.

Um...

-# Da doo be doo...

-Doo be doo...

# Ba doobie doo-doo

# Da-doobie-doo-doo. #

I think you'd all agree that was very moving.

Now, let's see what else is on today's show.

Yes, plenty more tip-top Big Top Top Hat entertainment to come from

Brotherhood Of Man and Matt Pang!

Plus, loads more Hoopla-style games,

leading to that all important Finaleval,

where one lucky winner will receive a prize money cannot buy.

But first...

# We were very happy

# Well, at least I thought we were

# Can somebody tell me

# What got into her

# We had a house, a home and a family

# And a man that loved her so

# Who'd believe she'd leave us to join a HOOPLA show?

# Say has anybody seen my Sweet Gypsy Rose?

# Here's her picture when she was my Sweet Mary Jo

# Now she's got rings on her fingers

# And bells on her toes

# Say has anybody seen my Sweet Gypsy Rose? #

Here I am!

Do you like that?

Hiya! All right, everyone? I'm Gypsy Rose Dick.

Some people like to call me GYPsy Rose Dick.

But today I'm feeling all right. Mike Pooh, however...

SPLOSH

He's not so good.

The lunch here at the fairground is not the best.

These are my Cards of Fate.

Someone at the end of this, their fortune will be told.

This is a golden Hoopla hoop

and one of those people are going to be winning it.

-AUDIENCE:

-Woo.

-Show the hoop some respect! AUDIENCE:

-Sorry.

It's all right.

Kiss the hoop!

That's better. Right, let's meet the victims, I mean, the contestants.

Come on up, you two. Give them a round-of-applause.

It's like bare bottoms hitting a marble staircase.

Ollie and Sophie. All right? Good. Sophie, you're going to go first.

But first let me do my rhyme.

Cards, cards, don't be a fluke, if you do, might puke, poo or puke.

SPLOSH

-Got anything nice?

-Pate de foie gras.

-Lovely. Sophie, pick your card.

It's cold baked beans first, Ollie.

Here they are. Get your spoon and your ten seconds start now.

Lovely. One...

two there, duck. You all right, Mike?

It's not a nice sight, is it?

-Oh...

-STOP IT!

Did he get three? I thing he did. But is he going to swallow it?

Go on, Ollie. Get it down you. It's only cold baked beans, son. Come on!

It's not that's bad!

Get it down you!

Is it gone?

Yes!

Right, that means that you get three of them in your lush pint.

Pretty, isn't it?

Right then, Ollie, your turn to pick. Let me do me rhyme.

Cards, cards, don't be a fluke. If you do, I might poo or puke.

RUMBLING

All right? Ollie, pick your card.

Show everyone at home what you've got.

Pickle!

I know how much you like pickles, Sophie. There you are.

There's your spoon. Ten seconds start now.

Sweet, tangy...

That's three.

Can she swallow the three?

-Your time is up.

-STOP IT!

Can you swallow it, love?

It's not that bad.

It's better with cheese. Get it down there.

Is it gone?

It's all them blocks, isn't it? There you are, three of them.

One, two, three - mixes nicely with water that. Lovely.

Have you swallowed it yet?

We haven't got all day.

We've got all this to eat yet.

Right, Sophie, you can pick a card.

Cards, cards, please don't fluke... Wait!

If you do fluke, Mike Pooh will puke.

SPLOSH

-Anything nice, Mike?

-Duck a l'orange.

-Lovely. Pick a card, Sophie.

Show what you've got. WET CHIPS! Ah, wet chips.

They've been soaking in me special juice all night.

Ten seconds start now.

All wet and soggy. One mouthful.

That's two.

That's three.

-Four. Can you do five?

-STOP IT!

Can you swallow them, love?

I don't think we've got five spoonfuls left, he enjoyed them

so much. I'll just chuck the lot in.

There you are.

Have the lot, Sophie. Back to the cards.

Cards, cards, please don't puke. If you do I Mike Pooh will puke.

RUMBLING The cards have puked.

Mike Pooh's all right. Ollie, pick a card.

What you got?

Show it to everyone. Yeast extract!

Have you ever eaten yeast extract before? I'm sure you'll love it.

That's it. Yeast paste. It's Dirty Norris.

We haven't seen that for a while.

Get it down the neck. Ten seconds start now.

One...

two...

three. She likes yeast extract.

-Four...

-STOP IT!

Can you swallow that?

Get that Dirty Norris down your neck.

Is it going to go in? She's done it.

-How many was it, though? How many, Mike? Three or four?

-Three.

You can have four.

Have a wet chip in as well - that will make it taste better.

Sophie, you can pick now. Cards, cards, please don't puke.

If you do Mike Pooh will puke. You're all puking.

SPLOSH

-Pick a card.

-Raspberry Pavlova.

What you picked, then, Sophie?

Rice pudding! Not too bad. Where's the rice pudding?

This is going to be easy.

Ten seconds start now.

I like cold rice pudding.

It's actually quite nice.

Three...oh.

He's not happy about it, is he?

STOP IT!

Can he get the four down his neck?

Come on, lad!

Come on, encourage him.

-AUDIENCE:

-Come on!

It's not easy. Nice one. One, two, three, four.

What do you think about that, Sophie? Do you like that?

Card, cards, please don't fluke. If you do, Mike Pooh might puke.

No, he's all right.

Go on, Ollie.

What you got?

Squirty cream.

I hope it's not been in here too long.

Oh, actually. I think we had tuna in there yesterday.

Ten seconds start now.

One, two...

-AUDIENCE:

-Go on, Sophie!

Four...

-five...

-STOP IT!

Six!

Sophie, there is nothing left in there!

No, I'm not going to make you do that. You know what I was thinking.

We're not going to put it out your mouth. We'll try and get as much as

-we can in there. That's a nice topping.

-Yeah.

We're going to remind you what you've got in your pint, before we start.

Sophie, in your pint, you've beans, wet chips and rice pudding.

Isn't that nice? Lovely.

Ollie, in yours you got pickle, yeast extract and squirty cream.

I don't know whose sounds better.

So let me get me...actually, would you like to do the honours, Mike?

-Oh, all right.

-Whisk them up. I'll hold the pints.

I'll hold them tight and you whisk them. Off you go.

Top speed, that's it, Mike.

Here we go.

BUZZING

Don't spill it, Mike.

That'll do. Stop.

That's not very fair.

She's got... So we'll put a bit of that in there,

so they've both got... There you go.

Half/half each.

The first one to down it

and stick the empty glass on their head will be the winner. Go!

She's holding her nose. Oh! Look at...oh!

Ollie's not happy.

Oh, we've got a winner!

Look - he's still got wet chips in it.

He's still got wet chips in it. So has Sophie!

It's badly mixed, Mike.

First one to put their shoe on their head will be the winner. Go!

Still Ollie!

You've got it, Ollie. Thank you very much, Sophie. You were great.

That means that you, Ollie, are going to join us later...

Don't worry about your shoe.

We haven't got time for that.

In the corner here.

You're coming to the Finaleval later... Where you going?!

Get back here!

You haven't done your duties yet.

20 seconds to Hoopla.

You all right, Mike?

LAUGHTER Looking a bit green, aren't you?

A bit green today, love.

That were lovely. See you in the Finaleval.

The Clown Kid's going to take you off. Off you go. You can go now.

Yes you can.

-You'll never guess who's out there.

-Who?

-Providing us with music.

-Who?

It's...

-..Brotherhood Of Man!

-SPLOSH

MUSIC: "Save Your Kisses" by Brotherhood of Man

# Though it hurts to go away It's impossible to stay

# But there's one thing I must say before I go

-# I love you

-I love you

# You know

# I'll be thinking of you in most everything I do

# Now the time is moving on And I really should be gone

# But you keep me hanging on for one more smile

-# I love you

-I love you

# All the while

# With your cute little wave will you promise that you'll save

# Your kisses for me Save all your kisses for me

# Bye-bye baby Bye-bye

# Don't cry honey Don't cry

# Going to walk out the door But I'll soon be back for more

# Kisses for me Save all your kisses for me

# So long honey So long

# Hang on baby Hang on

# Don't you dare me to stay cos you know I'll have to say

# That I've got to work each day And that's why I go away

# But I count the seconds till I'm home with you

-# I love you

-I love you

# It's true

# You're so cute honey, gee won't you save them up for me

# Your kisses for me Save all your kisses for me

# Bye-bye baby Bye-bye

# Don't cry honey Don't cry

# Going to walk out the door but I'll soon be back for more

# Kisses for me Save all your kisses for me

# So long honey So long

# Hang on baby Hang on

# Won't you save them for me even though you're only three. #

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Here, that was all right.

I've written a song myself. Took me three years.

# Took the wife to Spain in '72

# We just got married, Mike and Valerie Pooh. #

I feel a bit sick again.

BLEURGH! SPLOSH

Who'll be joining Jiggly Jasmine, Manic Michael

and Oscillating Ollie in our spectacular Finaleval?

Who will it be? Hmm? Answer me that.

Let's find out as we try to survive Roger Malcolm's Hat Full of Fear!

Hello again to you out there in television land.

It's me, Roger Malcolm, and my terrifying ghost train.

Let's move straight on and meet today's contestant.

What's your name, please?

-Ryan.

-Ryan, do you spook easily?

-No.

What if you saw a knee-mounted monkey dribbling acid banana juice?

-No.

-All right, let's test out if what you say is true.

Oh, oh, oh, oh. Ah, ah, ah, ah!

-Did that spook you?

-No.

Let's see how you fare in my ghost train of terror.

You're here to play for the exciting Golden Hoopla,

hoping for the chance to win some prizes in our Finaleval.

-Does that excite you?

-Yes.

-Oh, good.

The rules are very simple. You're wearing a hat full of fear.

Fear is represented by red juice.

You mustn't spill the red juice as you rally round my exciting

and terrifying ghost train.

Whatever happens when you're in there...

-don't touch your helmet! All right?

-Yeah.

All right, you understand the rules.

I can't let you go without a ding, so...

-# Gimme, gimme, gimme that ding. #

-DING

A bit out of key but quite fun. Off you go. Shove off!

He's splattered.

ROAR

CACKLING

They mustn't touch their helmets - that would be cheating.

I don't tolerate cheats.

MAN: Argh!

He's coming.

He's coming back.

Right.

Very well done.

Very carefully step out of my ghost train.

Come along...we're only on air for one hour.

I don't know what he's messing about at.

Right, very slowly, here we go. That's nice. Be careful.

I like your shoes, they're very fancy. Where did you get them from?

But was he cheating? Gabriel, was he cheating inside there?

-No, Roger, he's a very good boy. He never cheated.

-Oh, very good, Ryan.

Well, let's find out how much you've scored by measuring your juice.

Oh, a very good score. Four of your Earth centimetres. Well done, Ryan.

Let's have a big round of applause for Ryan.

APPLAUSE

Little bit more. It's not over until the fat lady sings,

so we need to have another contestant.

We call her contestant number two, simply because she is the second.

-Hello there. What's your name?

-Alesha.

Alesha, like the television celebrity Alesha Dixon.

Is she spooky, or is she nice?

-Nice.

-She's nice. Well, there's no nice here, Alesha.

Do you spook easily?

-No.

-No, you say no now. But you know the rules.

You've got this headgear here, the Hat Full of Fear,

don't let the juice spill out of the tray.

It would be awfully messy and very bad

because you wouldn't win a place in the Finaleval a little bit later on.

Before I push you off, I've got to have a little sing-song. So...

# Gimme, gimme, gimme that ding.#

A little bit closer, but still totally incorrect. Shove off.

Don't touch your helmet in there, young lady Alesha.

SPOOKY LAUGHTER

ALESHA SCREAMS

Here she comes.

What is going on?

-Now come here.

-She had a little accident, Roger.

What do you mean, Gabriel?

She got very frightened and it all came out of her helmet.

Oh, well, that's very exciting.

Alisha, very gently, come out of the doo-dah.

Do you think the top celebrity

Alesha Dixon would play this game with us?

-Yes, I think she would.

-I think she would.

Hold on a minute, I need my ruler, Gabriel.

Sit down, step down, Alisha.

Was there any cheating then, Gabriel, in conclusion?

-Well, Reggie, there was a little bit of helmet-touching.

-Oh, was there?

Hang on a minute, Alesha. Just bear with me a moment.

That's about enough for cheating today, cos you're a nice girl.

Right, let's have a look at the ruler of fate.

2.5 of your Earth centimetres. Oh, dearie me.

Well, that means that unfortunately you have not won the race.

If you will step over there to my west.

And you, Ryan, if you could stand on the Pants of Egbetmar,

the King Of All Things Spooky.

And what you're going to do is do the Hoopla hoopla.

Do you think that is a good idea? I do, I think it sounds super.

All right then, are you ready? Don't hold your helmet, right, OK.

Here we go. Music, please.

# Gimme that, gimme that Gimme, gimme, gimme that, gimme that

# Gimme, gimme that Gimme, gimme that ding. #

That was lovely. Clown kids. Clown kids.

Right, we've got to get on.

It's very exciting.

Now we welcome you to the amazing world of Matt Pang. Pang!

Oh, it's frightening.

Thanks very much, thank you. I'm just a little bit tied up.

I'm going to be performing for you today a straitjacket escape.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Oh, yes.

Now, a straitjacket escape by itself is quite difficult, OK.

But I like to challenge myself, so to make this slightly more

difficult, I'm going to attempt it while riding this six-foot unicycle.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

Now, I'm going to need some help getting up onto the bike,

so I've got some volunteers.

My volunteers, can you come onto the stage?

Can we have applause, as they come onto the stage?

Just make some room for them there, as they come up.

-Hiya. And your name is?

-Jason.

-We've got Jason.

-Jason, stand on this side for me. And you are?

-Eddie.

-Eddie, just stand behind the unicycle for me. And?

-Ian.

Ian, just stand on this side for me. Ian, wahey!

Ian, can you just grab the bike for me?

What I'd like you to do is put the wheel

right in the centre of the stage there.

And if you stand on that side of it, put both hands on the bike

and stick your left foot in front of the wheel for me.

-Lovely. Jason, just do the same on this side for me.

-OK.

So, what's going to happen is I'm going to run up around the stage.

As I run past the audience, they're going to raise their arms in the

air, like a Mexican wave.

So, I'll run around. They'll do it next time.

I'll get around here, OK, I'm going to put one foot on the wheel.

The other foot on the pedal, OK.

All you have to do, Eddie, is guide my bottom onto the seat.

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

You get the best job. Here we go. OK, here we go.

I'm going to take the run-up.

When my bum hits that seat,

what I'd like is a really big round of applause, OK?

It might take a little while, but here we go.

Get ready with those arms. Here we go. 3, 2, 1, up!

One foot, the other foot, sorry.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-You all right, Ian?

-Yeah, fine.

-How are you, Jason?

-I'm very good.

Glad you're not on this side. OK, you're really tall, aren't you, Ian?

You're going to have to duck, mate. I've got cramp.

OK, foot is on the pedal. OK...Eddie, can you smell the fear?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Don't answer that. Here we go. Guys, just lean the bike forward a touch.

Stop there, perfect. Back a bit, back a bit. OK, Eddie, here we go.

Very gently, not too hard. 3, 2, 1, hey.

Stand over there, mate. Stand over there.

Can we have a big round of applause for Eddie? Thanks very much.

Your job is done.

OK, what I'm going to ask you to do after three is remove your feet.

OK, just the feet after three.

Can we just lean it towards Jason a touch?

Stop there, perfect. After three. Here we go, 1,2,3...go.

If you are in the front, just be aware, OK.

If it looks like I'm going to fall on you, I am.

All together and 5, 4, 3, 2, 1. Go, guys, go.

Thank you very much for your help, thanks, guys.

MUSIC: "Mission Impossible" THEME

OK, phase one is to work one arm up over my head.

As you can see, I'm working my right arm up

and currently it's around my neck.

Hold on. Oh, it's a boy. Hold on, here it comes.

Yes! OK, hold on. Hold on.

OK, so what I'm going to try to do is work the right hand out. Whee.

OK, and when you see a hand,

what I'd like is a really big cheer from the audience.

OK, here we go.

Yes.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

Oh, my goodness. Hold on, here's the real one. Hey.

The next stage is to get the other arm out.

That's the halfway point, when the other arm is out. Here we go.

Anytime now.

Yes.

AUDIENCE CHEERS

OK, can everyone just start a slow hand clap. Slow hand clap.

Great, lovely. Lovely. Get it going. Get it going.

Here we go. Here we go, here we go. Come on.

Yeah!

Have a great day, thank you.

Shut up. Ten seconds to tell us what you thought about that.

It was amazing. I didn't think he would do it, but he did.

It was brilliant. Thank you.

-Mmmm. Come on.

-It's great.

-Enough.

And now it's time for this.

Ladies and gentlemen, it's here, it's coming. It's the...

Ladies and gentlemen, in the game you are about to see, no men,

women, children, clowns or ferrets were harmed.

Not even a little teeny bit. Enjoy.

Finaleval!

It's the Finaleval!

Yes, that's right.

We are nearly at a point where we are going to be giving away

the Golden Hoopla Trophy, but who's it going to go to?

Here are the Finalevalists.

On the end, we've got Ollie. There's Michael. Not forgetting Ryan.

And Jasmine.

Well done, stand behind your podiums. Take your hoops with you.

Because we are ready to start round one.

Hold on, can we just stop proceedings for a moment, because look, Dom.

We'll have an armpit each. We've got a bit of a problem here.

The podium...is hiding her.

-But we can lift her, like that. Put her back. There you go.

-There you go.

-Can you see her?

-Right, what happens in round one?

I'll tell you what happens, it's called Brush Your Teeth.

You've got 30 seconds to brush your teeth, the best you can.

Points will be awarded for wrist action,

you really got to get your back into it for frothy bits and white stuff.

White foamy bits, as well. All right?

Don't forget, the more effort you put into this,

the more points you're going to get from our esteemed

panel of judges over there.

Headed by Mr Mike Pooh. Hello, Mike.

-What?

-Mike, what would you like to say about the judges that

you've got here?

-Obviously, you've hand-picked them.

-Get on with it.

Your 30 seconds start now. Go!

-Come on.

-Come on.

-Put the paste on.

-Brush! Brush!

-As hard as you possibly can.

Come on, put your back into it, man. Are you a man or a mouse?

Brush, come on, Michael. Who's going to win? Cheer on your partner.

Look at Jasmine.

Brush!

-Time's up. Stop brushing.

-Put your brushes down.

And we will now find out, from our judges, how many points you get.

-So, let's start off with Ollie. Your points, please, for Ollie.

-Hurry up.

-Here we go.

-19, 24, 31 points. Well done, Ollie. Good score.

Now, we move on to Michael. Your points for Michael, please.

-OK, here we go. Now.

-Eight, eight, sixteen, er...

33 points for Michael.

-Not bad, mate.

-Now your points. He looks like he's going to vomit.

It's Ryan. Have you got it?

-Yes, here we go...

-Oh, 24.

So, at the moment, Ryan, you're at the bottom of the pile.

Now, look at little Jasmine everybody. She's on her tiptoes.

Hello.

Aw! Wait for it. If you've got under 24, you will leave.

-If you got 24 or over, you will stay.

-It's all to play for, Jasmine.

Please, the score for Jasmine.

-Right.

-33 points for Jasmine.

So, that means the contestant to leave the Finaleval is...

Ryan.

Off you go, Ryan.

The kid clowns are going to take you away,

and you've got to go ride the lion with no pride.

He just couldn't put his back into it.

He couldn't get enough froth going.

Look at Ryan, everyone. He's on the lion with no pride.

APPLAUSE

Waay!

It's an endangered species.

Enough of that nonsense.

-It's time for...

-Round two.

Come forward, Michael. Come forward, Ollie. Come forward, little Jasmine.

Hang on. Jasmine, you haven't wiped your face.

-Look at the state of your face.

-Here.

-Here.

-That's better.

Right, this one's called I'm The Best In THE world.

You're going to hear some music in some instrumental bits.

We're going to tell you to do something.

You've got to do it to your best of your ability.

Right, Jasmine, come forward a little bit. Marvellous.

Right, Ollie, let's play.

# I am the best in the world the best in the world

# The very best at... #

Like you're in the presence of the Queen.

Hang on. Hang on... Stop the music.

-Yeah. We've definitely got to stop here.

-Ollie, what are you doing?

Dunno.

What-what...? You did this, like a guinea pig or a gerbil

and did that. If the Queen walked on this stage, would you do that?

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

All right. Well, if that's what you want to do, that's fine.

Right. Next. Your turn, Michael.

Act like you're in the presence of the Queen.

Oh! Oh!

-That's better. That's more regal, isn't it? Next! Jasmine?

-Oh!

Curtsy! Curtsy!

Very pretty.

Lovely.

# I am the best in the world the best in the world

# The very best at... #

Laughing your head off, Ollie.

There's no sound, he does silent laughing.

Can I do sound?

-I've got a feeling that he feels a bit silly.

-Yes.

-Laugh your head off!

-Michael.

-Oh!

-It's the Queen... It's the Queen of England.

-He's good. Good. Next.

-Next! Jasmine.

Oh, crazed laugh.

No. You... You look demonic.

-I like it, a lot.

-Well done.

# I am the best in the world the best in the world

# The very best at...#

Being extremely scary.

What are you doing? Poking his own eyes out.

-What?

-Hang on a minute. Wait. Shh! Stop.

-I think he still feels a little bit silly.

-Yes.

-Carry on.

-Next!

-Oh.

-Glasses are off.

-Good lad.

-Here he goes.

-Oh.

Look at that...

He belongs with Roger Malcolm, to be totally honest.

Next! She's doing it again! Your head's going to blow up. Stop!

# I was the best in the world

# The best thing ever The best thing ever

# The best thing in the world...#

Were you the best in the world, though?

We're going to find out now. Over to the judges

for the points for Ollie, please.

Up we go.

So that's 9, 10... So utter, utter nonsense.

Well done, Ollie. So 16 points for Ollie.

I think he'll be pleased to leave, to be honest.

OK. Over to Michael. Points for Michael, please.

Right. Hurry up.

-7, 8...

-23. 32.

-32 points for Michael, everybody.

-Good lad.

APPLAUSE

But I wonder... I just wonder what Jasmine can do with the points.

-Let's find out.

-Here we go.

She's got to beat 16, and she's done it! Well done.

So that means we all know Ollie leaves. Off you go, Ollie.

Thank you very much. Going to ride the lion with no pride.

Argh!

Give him a big cheer, as he goes to the lion.

APPLAUSE

There we go.

He definitely feels self-conscious now.

Do you feel self-conscious now?

That's enough.

This is the moment. It's the final of the Finaleval.

APPLAUSE

Yes, here are the Finaleval.

We've got Michael and, over there, little Jasmine.

One of them is going to be leaving here today with the coveted

Hoopla trophy. Yes!

Now you'll see, you two, behind you there are eight bins.

In this those bins, in those seven bins,

are the best prizes on British television.

Just out of interest, think of any prize you would really like or

that you need to enrich your current life on this Earth.

-What would it be?

-A motorbike.

-Oh.

-A motorbike, ladies and gentlemen.

Ladies and gentlemen, that could well be in the bins.

Jasamina, if you could have anything in those bins to make you

-happier than you currently are now, what would it be?

-A rabbit.

A rabbit, ladies and gentlemen.

Now listen, clearly we haven't got a real rabbit in the bin,

but who knows? There might be an envelope with that inside.

One of those bins won't make you happy, because in one of those

bins is Cyril, who's a clown, and he's very, very wrong.

So the one with the most points in the last round was Jasmine.

So, Jasmine, you come hither.

Stand here. Now, think very carefully.

In most of the bins are schatzes, treasure,

things to improve your life. But which bin isn't Cyril in?

Number two.

Jasmine...good luck.

-Ooh!

-Ooh!

-What's inside?

-What you got?

-What's inside?

-Marbles.

Marbles!

Ladies and gentlemen, she's got marbles.

Well done. Michael, come forward, please.

You want a motorbike. Let's see what we can do for you.

Remember, you don't want to find that clown Cyril,

or you lose. Which bin isn't Cyril in?

Number three.

-Number three. OK, Michael.

-Good luck.

-In your own time.

-Oh...

-What's in there?

-What you got?

-It's a brush.

A brush!

So, Jasmine, you've got a bag of glass marbles,

but which bin isn't Cyril in?

Number five.

Number five, ladies and gentlemen.

Good luck.

-Jasmine, stop!

-Oh! Stop!

-How old are you?

-Seven.

-Are you? Carry on.

Carry on.

What is it? Show everyone what you've got.

-Wool.

-A ball of wool.

Whatever happens today, that is yours to keep.

It's schatze heaven in here today, Michael.

Right. Which bin isn't he in?

-Number seven.

-Number seven.

OK, Michael.

Oh...

Show everyone what you've got.

-Tell them what it is.

-It's a washing-up brush.

-Oh!

OK. So...Jasmine, which bin isn't Cyril in?

-Number four.

-Number four.

Here, you've got a ball of wool, you've got some marbles,

what could possibly be...? No, no, take them with you.

Cos you don't want to ever lose them.

They're too precious.

Argh!

What is it? What is it?

-Show everyone.

-Washing-up gloves.

A washing-up glove.

Michael, you too could be getting some washing-up gloves,

or something even better.

-Which bin isn't Cyril in?

-Number one.

Number one. Go on, Michael, open the lid. Let's see what he's got.

Lift the lid.

Oh! What is it? Hold it up.

-Hold it tight...

-It's a horn. It's a horn.

It's a toy horn.

Michael.

This is literally...life... life-changing schatze.

Which bin isn't Cyril in?

Number eight.

Number eight, ladies and gentlemen.

AUDIENCE BOOS

Oh, unpopular with the audience.

Anything can happen. You've got two left.

One contains Cyril, one contains the schatze.

You've gone for eight. What's in there?

Jasmine!

What is it?

What is it?!

-A fan.

-It's a fan, everybody.

A fan.

Lovely. Michael, I wonder what's in bin number six.

I dread to think, I really worry.

I mean, is it going to be the motorbike?

Oh, I don't think so.

-Will it be some more rubber gloves?

-No, I don't think so.

It might be a plastic cone or a pen or a pencil.

Whatever it is, Michael,

it's definitely going to change your life for ever.

Lift that lid, Michael!

DICK AND DOM SCREAM

CLOWN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

Sorry about that, ladies and gentlemen.

So...the good news is, we have a champion.

Jasmine is the master of the hoop, the winner of Hoopla.

She's got marbles, she's got a ball of wool,

she's got washing-up gloves, and the trophy.

Jasmine...well done.

She's the new master of the hoop. How do you feel, Jasmine?

-Brilliant.

-Brilliant?

-Yeah.

Oh. Now listen, you go home with all your treat and...argh!

CLOWN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY

You broke the cup!

She's lost her marbles!

Oh no, look, Jasmine's been turned into a kid clown.

Hey! You know what, though?

Jasmine, seeing as you've been turned into a clown,

you might as well join our Hoopla carnival -

for ever!

Thank you to everyone that's been on the show today,

including all our variety and comedy acts,

and all that great music we've had, too.

-Thank you so much.

-Thank you very much,

to the Pooh Brothers, to all of the kid clowns,

but, most of all, to you people.

That's you lot. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Join us next time and who knows?

The Hoopla carnival might be coming to a town near you.

Hoopla!

Dick and Dom would like to point out that Michael survived

his encounter with Cyril and is now training to be a hairdresser.

Subtitles By Red Bee Media Ltd