Misty Diddy TV

# Larry Weinsteinberger The Diddy Movies boss

# His last few films have flopped With catastrophic money loss

# So he's ditching Diddy Movies For the thrill of television

# The small screen is the future For those with any vision

# With Larry's bottom dollar He's launched a TV station

# Packed with creativity Style and innovation

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick and Dom's Diddy TV. #

Well, if you have just a minute to spare, you can

watch this next programme twice and another half times.

-Argh!

-Urgh!

DOM SCREAMS

Argh!

What do I do? What do I do?

Put it back in! Just put it back in!

Where? Where?

I don't know. Where did you get it from?

I can't remember. In there somewhere.

Oh, give it here.

ALARM BLARES

-Ah, high-five.

-Yeah.

We're good at this.

Well, it's your turn to be the casualty now, as your eyes

and ears have to suffer Diddy Who.

MUSIC: Doctor Who Theme

Fear not, leader of the Silly Hats, for I,

the Diddy, Lord of the Time-wasters, have defeated the evil Robucket...

Hang on a minute! Where's he gone? He was right there.

SHE SCREAMS

I think you've squashed them.

Oh, that's just great.

What a complete waste of us risking our lives.

He can hardly reward us now. Looks like I'll need my sonic toothbrush.

HE GRUNTS

You do realise that'll do nothing, right? It's just a toothbrush.

Wait! We've got a time machine.

We can go back in time and not squash him. Back to the tin can.

Fear not, leader of the Silly Hats, for I, the Diddy,

have defeated the evil Robucket and... Argh!

Obbledy-gobbledy ookie-gook, you've squashed him again!

Come on, further back.

Three weeks should do it.

Ah, brilliant. Ahem.

Fear not, leader of the Silly Hats, for I, the Diddy,

have defeated the...

Diddy? Diddy Who? I've never heard of you.

-But I have defeated the evil...

-No, you haven't. He's right here.

SHE SCREAMS

Stop doing that!

Come on, back to the tin can.

Diddy, this is Blackpool Pier. How will this help us defeat Robucket?

It won't. Too much like hard work, all that. Let's get chips instead.

Ace!

MUSIC: Doctor Who Theme

Oh, great stuff, eh, Mr Stockholm? What do you say to that?

-I say, where's the hedge trimmer?

-Sorry?

-HE SHOUTS:

-Where's the hedge trimmer?

-Why would you say that?

Because I only came round to borrow your hedge trimmer

and that was four hours ago.

-Sausage?

-No, thank you.

Have you been injured at work in the last few months?

No? Would you like to be?

Then call our Personal Injury Experts right now.

Whether you want to be spanged on your head with a frying pan

or have your toes squashed by a runaway chair,

Personal Injury Experts, we're on your side.

And, remember, no wince, no fee.

"Thank you for the music," sang ABBA.

They'll be taking that back after Diddy Pops.

Greetings, greetings, greetings and welcome to Diddy Pops.

Tonight, we have the band that is taking the globe by storm.

Please, give it up for the undeniably wonderful

Diddy Dom And The Jitters.

# Look at me

# I'm as helpless as a kitten up a tree

# I'm walking on a cloud

# I can't understand love

# I'm Misty, holding your hand

# You can say that you're leading me on

# But it's just what I want you to do

# Don't you know that's how hopelessly I'm lost

# That's why I'm following you

# Should I wander through this wonderland alone now

# Never knowing my right foot from my left

# My hat from my gloves

# I'm Misty, too much in love

# You can say that you're... #

CYMBALS CRASH

Problem?

Now, meet the presenter who's built his entire career on nothing

but mindless guesswork.

22 identical numbered boxes, 75,000 insects, but just one question.

Bees or no bees?

APPLAUSE

Let's welcome today's contestant, Ethel Sideways.

Ethel, welcome to The Honey Factory.

Now, what's it like to live through your most important day?

-You mean when I married my Bill?

-No, you silly woman.

-You're on Bees Or No Bees, this is the most important day.

-Oh, right.

-I'm dead stoked.

-OK, well, it's time to make the first choice.

Now, remember, Ethel,

some of these boxes contain life-changing amounts of cash

and some of these boxes contain life-changing amounts of bees.

-Well, I have a strategy, Barry.

-Mm.

I like the shape of the number eight, so let's have box 8, please.

Well, now it's time to make things a little bit more interesting,

because it's time to open some boxes.

Well, my favourite shape's a triangle and that's got three sides,

so box number 3, please.

Ethel, I hope you're right.

I am, there are definitely three sides on a triangle.

-No, I mean... Oh, just open the box.

-Good luck, Ethel.

-Oh, no!

-Aw!

-I don't believe it. Ethel, I'm so sorry.

-No!

That's a wad of cash out of the game,

so just take that to my dressing room.

PHONE RINGS

Ah, now, let's see what the beekeeper has to say.

Hello?

Yeah, no, I don't know where they get them from either. Oh, right, OK.

Right. We've never had a game like this before.

Lots of very similar ones, of course,

but not an exact match is what I'm trying to say.

What is it? What's he offering?

OK, well, the beekeeper says you can open box number 9 right now,

as long as you agree to smear your face with jam first.

GASPING

What should I do?

THEY SHOUT DEAL

Deal.

OK, Ethel, so, bees or no bees?

BEES BUZZ

Bees!

-CHEERING

-Oh, no!

Well done, Ethel, you've hit the jackpot.

You've won a quarter of a million angry bees.

SHE SCREAMS

Join us again next time for another exciting game.

Now run for your lives!

SCREAMING

Don't sting little Barry!

And there's more injuries in prospect right now,

on Diddy Dragons.

Next into the den are two entrepreneurs hoping to wow

the Dragons with their new invention.

Ahem.

HE WHEEZES

Hello, Diddy Dragons.

I'm Corn Flake and this is my business partner Freddy Dweet.

Erm...

Bums!

I'm doing it!

98% of the world have a bum and at any one time,

91% of those bums are itchy.

But what if Freddy was to have both of his hands full at the same time?

-May we introduce to you...

-Bum Scratcher 3,000.

The Bum Scratcher 3,000.

When you're feeling potty, it will scratch your botty.

It's solar-powered, environmentally friendly and totally heat-seeking,

as Freddy will now demonstrate.

Ow! Argh! Ow!

Sorry, just a few minor teething problems.

Argh! Ow! Argh!

We're looking for 200,000, plus club card points.

CROWD BOOS

I knew you shouldn't have worn that shirt. Leg it!

Join us next week, when someone invents nuclear plates.

-Brilliant!

-Great. Now, about this hedgetrimmer...

Mr Stockholm, you are not leaving until we find a programme you like.

Yeah, well, that one. I really like that one.

-Really? What did you like about it?

-Erm...

The Bum Scratcher? Well, everything. It's really, really good.

It's really clever.

It'll revolutionise the way that we scratch bums.

I'm not sure I believe you, Mr Stockholm.

Look, that television programme is the best television programme

I've ever seen.

-Really?

-Yes.

-Then, what was it called?

-That one?

-Yes.

-It was Diddy.

-Yes?

Diddy-diddy Bum-bum.

Settle in, Mr Stockholm. At this rate, you'll never leave.

MR STOCKHOLM WHIMPERS

But we do know that if you don't collect them all...

Ghost-bones, Straw-beard, Dragon-cheeks, Spikey-eye,

Flying-bat thing.

Hundreds of near-identical plastic lumps for you

to obsessively accumulate.

Hold them! Line them up! Waggle them!

Put them away again!

We don't care! As long as you collect them up!

Every! Last! One!

Hairy-wart, Leopard-monkey, Shape-a-lump, Thing, Argh!

Moe!

Mum, I need some money!

It's the Belch!

CHEERING

SHE BELCHES ALPHABET

APPLAUSE

GASPING

You're going to be a star!

CHEERING

That's it! I can't take any more, let me borrow your hedgetrimmer.

Fine! There you go!

Don't know why I have it, really, I don't even have a hedge.

-Me neither.

-Then, what do you want a hedge trimmer for?

Ah. Thank you, Mr Weinsteinberger, you're a life-saver.

Now, can I go home now, please?

Well, that's about all we've got the stomach for today.

So, it just remains for us to spend four hours in a darkened room

with a cold flannel on our heads.

Goodbye.

# Diddy TV, Diddy TV

# Channel 6597423

# A brand-new rival for the BBC

# It's Diddy Dick And Dom's Diddy TV

# Diddy Dick And Dom's Diddy TV. #