Episode 4 Disaster Chefs

Disaster Chefs are parents who are rubbish at cooking.

-Dinner, Charlie!

-Nooo!

They make things like this and this...

-..and this!

-Disgusting!

And foodie fanatic Stefan Gates, is the only person who can help.

He's got just 24 hours to help them master a two course meal

in a professional kitchen for some fierce critics.

-Horrible.

-BOTH: Get cooking!

Will they rise like a souffle or flop like a pancake?

-I've failed!

-Will it be yum or yuck?

Start your blenders!

Today's Disaster Chef is dad-of-two Andy from Northamptonshire.

His kids, Bronwen and Cameron, are super Taekwondo medal winners,

but there's one thing that scares them more than a ninja attack.

-Dinner's ready!

-THEY SCREAM

Dad's disastrous dinners.

What?

This is what Dad cannot do.

He burns fish fingers.

He burns baked beans.

He made a boiled egg that looked worse than when it went in!

He can't even boil an egg?

Come on, Andy, that's rubbish!

SHE GROANS

If Andy cooks it's either been left in the oven too long so it's dried...

-It's burnt...

-It's fine, look.

-..it's just a disaster.

-You're doing tea tonight because Mum's out.

He can't even follow simple how-to-make-dinner instructions.

"Can you please peel some potatoes then put on to boil."

Because Andy is the king of takeaways!

If there's anything more than just switching the pans on,

I do tend to go down to the takeaway.

I really want my dad to learn how to cook

because I'm tired of takeaways.

And when he's not taking out the takeaways,

he's readying the ready meals.

This is the microwave. It's Dad's favourite appliance.

Where all Dad's disgusting meals are made.

What would be really good would be for me to be able to cook

healthy food for them that they'll enjoy eating,

especially with their taekwondo.

MUSIC: "Kung Fu Fighting" by Carl Douglas

But at the moment the only sports

Andy's cooking will prepare them for are...

..the 100m takeaway sprint and the ready meal marathon.

HE SNORES ALL: Andy, you're a Disaster Chef!

Time to call in some help. It's Stefan Gates.

It's his job to whip the nation's Disaster Chefs into shape.

No, not that sort of whip, that sort of whip!

He's going to help Andy break away from the takeaways,

and give Bronny and Cameron a dad that can cook and will cook.

-Hey.

-Hi, Stefan. Come in.

-How are you doing?

Andy, you're looking like a worried man. So you should be.

I've heard you're a food nightmare in human form.

-Guys, how bad is he at cooking?

-He burns even fish fingers.

Gives us cold baked beans.

Goes to takeaways all the time.

-Show me the sorts of things that he gets up to.

-OK.

Is that a pie or a doorstop?

That's one of my delightful fruit pies.

As usual, Stefan knows how to crack a problem open quickly.

-HE SHOUTS

-That's the way to do it, Stefan!

Well, that was as easy as erm, well, pie.

But how about making an omelette to see how bad Andy's cooking is.

Yes. It's time for the Rookie Challenge.

To make the perfect omelette, Andy needs eggs, ham, milk and cheese.

Crack the eggs, give them a whisk.

Butter in the pan, add the eggs,

let it fry, add the cheese,

add the ham, flip half over.

Garnish. Serve it. The end.

-You up for this challenge?

-Oh, I'm up for it yeah, bring it on.

I want to see it on this dish and I want it to be absolutely perfect,

and you have exactly five minutes.

Go!

First, Andy needs to whisk the eggs.

But not that many!

They'll never cook in time!

Our expert is only using three.

But in France they only use one, because one egg is "un oeuf!"

-SHE LAUGHS

-Sorry.

You'll need a little bit of butter, Andy.

Not, not that much!

Less a knob and more a spade of butter. Urgh.

Stick in the whole packet. Go on, why not?

There's the ham, next it's the cheese.

I'll use the human cheese grater.

No need to be delicate, just chuck it in.

ALL: Three, two, one.

So that's butter, cheese and ham soup, with a topping of omelette.

Delicious(!)

HE LAUGHS

It seems to be slightly, soft, Andy.

Mmmm, drink it up.

That's truly disgusting, I'm very proud of you.

Now, I think I should show you what the perfect omelette does look like.

Dave, give us the perfect omelette.

Nice nails, Dave.

Right, this is the perfect omelette, there. Look at this.

-What can you see?

-Yeah, it's got parsley on it.

Yeah, we can solve that.

We need to go from that...

..to that.

-Do you think this is actually possible?

-No.

Andy. Are you up for the task?

-Oh, definitely up for the challenge, definitely.

-Yeah. Is it a leap?

That is one massive leap,

but I'll take that leap for mankind...and the kids.

Right. Well, that was truly the worst omelette I've ever seen in my life.

Andy just kind of threw everything in,

hoped that maybe an omelette would happen.

If he doesn't improve significantly

I'm going to end up with egg on my face.

Egg on my face, get it? Ah, forget it.

Andy, you are clearly a Disaster Chef,

you're a problem that needs sorting so this is what's going to happen...

In 24 hours' time, he'll be cooking two courses

in this posh restaurant for three mystery judges

who will vote his food either yum or yuck.

-But first things first.

-You up for this task?

Erm...

Come on, Dad. Do it for us, please.

-Go on then.

-BOTH: YES!

-Yes, I am.

-If Andy succeeds, it's culinary glory for him

and tasty dinners for Bronny and Cameron.

But if he fails, he'll be doomed to wear the Disaster Chef hat forever.

Guys, we're going shopping. Andy, clear this up. Let's go.

While they're off shopping, Andy's clearing up,

using an interesting technique

which doesn't involve rinsing anything.

Mmm! Tasty washing up liquid.

It'd just be nice if I could do some dishes that they'd be pleased

to eat, especially knowing that I'm giving them the right nutrition.

And it'd be nice for them to actually say to me once,

"Oh, Dad! Are you cooking tonight?"

Rather than me saying, "Guess what, kids? I'm cooking tonight."

And they're going, "Oh, which takeaway now?"

Let's hope Stefan succeeds

and doesn't end up washing his hands of Andy.

Stefan's got a couple of ideas up his sleeve

about what Andy could cook and that would impress

both the judges and his kids.

First stop is the butcher's.

What sort of things here grab your eye?

-Well, I like the sausages.

-The chicken looks lush.

-A lush chicken? Yum!

-There we are.

I mean there are different parts of a chicken.

If you go for the breast here, then it's a very, very tender bit of meat,

but you can play with it, you can do different things with it.

Shall we go for that, do you reckon? BOTH: Yeah.

-OK. We'd love to take that.

-That's lovely, thank you. Thank you.

Next is the fishmonger's.

He doesn't look happy.

Maybe he's a bit crabby! Ha-ha!

Now, for a chef, a crab is brilliant

because once you get inside, the meat is really, really sweet,

but do you think your dad could cope with something like this?

He'd just shove it all in the oven.

Probably wouldn't know where to start with it.

He wouldn't know where to start?

Stick it on the menu then!

So, with a chicken, a crab and a few other things in the bag,

they're off home.

OK, let's see what you got.

Er, dill.

Some breadcrumbs.

-Mushrooms.

-Got some rice.

It's a lucky dip of ingredients,

but what's Stefan got planned for our Disaster Chef?

Time to get Andy in and reveal the menu!

BLOWS WHISTLE

This is what we've got for you.

Have you cooked with these things before?

No. I might have cooked lettuce once.

But I'm not sure about that.

Andy made a pie that was so hard it needed a hammer to open it,

-so he might like this!

-Get it!

Argh, argh!

And the menu will be...

For starters, crab, prawn and avocado stack.

And for main course, chicken kiev with mushroom rice and green salad.

Don't look too excited, Andy.

But never fear, you're going to have a practice session

tonight with Stefan.

He's going to teach you how to crack a crab and cook a kiev.

It's Stefan's Crash Course!

So for the crab stack, Andy needs to

separate the claws from the body, break open the claws,

break open the shell, separate the white from the brown meat,

peel some avocados, chop some tomatoes,

make a dressing, roast some pine nuts, whack the prawns,

tomatoes and crab in a metal tower, remove the metal...

Finito!

And remember, if you're cooking,

take care and always get permission from your adult.

OK. You've got to be very gentle with it.

First thing... RIP ITS CLAWS OFF!

Let's get cracking.

The most important part of the stack is dressing the crab properly,

and I don't mean in a fashionable jacket,

but hammering...I mean getting...

the white and brown meat out of the crab, and prepared for eating.

But watch out, land-lubbers, there's a surprise in that there crab.

Ooh-arr!

They're called, dead...men's...fingers.

Really? Is that the best we could do?

I thought it was quite good, actually.

He mustn't let those dead men's fingers touch the good meat.

He also mustn't let those brains and guts get mixed in

or the whole lot goes in the bin!

Now the white and brown meat are separated,

that's them dressed and ready to go out dancing!

Ha! Or put in a bowl.

So that's the starter...well...started.

Next it's the chicken kiev.

To make that, Andy needs to crush some garlic, cut some parsley,

add it to some butter, roll it into balls,

slice open the chicken, stick in the balls,

fold it over, roll it in some flour,

dip it in some egg, roll it in some breadcrumbs, deep fry it gently,

whip it out, stick it on a plate,

add some mushroom rice and green salad.

Enjoy the lovely river of garlic butter!

Across there. Yeah.

To get that lovely river, Andy has to make sure the chicken

isn't split too wide or it will all melt out in the pan.

So he needs to keep the butter all wrapped up, nice and cosy.

OK, enough. Fold over the top.

All of that butter needs to be encased right in the middle,

so the whole top needs to come over.

Sandwich it in the middle there, beautiful.

Now the tricky bit is making the breadcrumbs stick.

-Chuck it in there. Does it feel strange?

-Yeah.

Beautiful. That is ready to go.

Do you know what? Andy started off a bit nervous and unsure

but he seems to be a quick learner

so I'm going to throw him in at the deep end

and he can finish it off while I head home.

See you tomorrow.

Like any good teacher, Stefan has left Andy

with stacks to practise, literally.

Stacks of crab, prawn and avocado.

It's going to fall. Oh, no! It's going to fall.

Timber! Oh. Oh, it's stayed up.

Well done, Andy! That looks almost as good as the expert chef's.

Can this be the same man who made egg soup this morning?

Quite right, Andy. Two thumbs up.

Andy is kieving it through the night like his life depends on it.

Tomorrow he's on his own in a professional kitchen

as he tries to get the magic yums from our Disaster Chefs judges.

Help!

24 hours ago, all Bronny and Cameron's Disaster Chef dad

Andy could make was a mess, or a phone call to the takeaway.

But these martial-arts-mad kids need to stay fit and healthy.

So Disaster Chef master Stefan Gates

has had Andy in training to cook something that will impress

both his kids and the mystery judges.

Today he must rustle up restaurant-standard food

from a professional kitchen in the swanky nearby hotel

to try and bag yums, not yucks, from three mystery judges.

Easy-peasy, lemon squeezy!

Right. Andy, Bronny and Cameron are just about to arrive

and this is when the cooking gets serious.

If Andy succeeds it's glory, honour, happy joy.

And if he fails it's pain and humiliation!

My work's done, it's down to Andy.

HE LAUGHS

It's Andy's A-Team, on a very tight budget.

Have they brought their A-game?

Andy's all dressed up. The crab will be jealous.

Oh, yeah!

-Now I'm ready.

-THEY LAUGH

Come on, crabs.

OK. Stop talking, get cooking.

Stefan's left him to it, but Andy's cracking through it.

Oh, no. No, no, no, no. I don't think that's right, Andy.

Our expert is carefully scraping the brown meat out

and leaving the guts behind.

While Andy's pulling the whole lot out

and sticking it in the bowl. Argh!

-How am I doing, boss?

-How are you doing? Well, how are you doing?

I thought I'd come and have a quick look.

Yeah, not too bad. It is fiddly.

Do you know what, you've got a bit of problem there.

Right, this bad news.

A lot of this stuff here is the intestines of the crab.

That's going to be horrible.

There's no way you can serve this.

Disaster!

Andy's now put himself under extra pressure,

because the judges will expect

a blend of both white and brown meat in the stack.

Having done that, you just need to make sure that everything else

-is done really, really immaculately well.

-OK.

Argh!

Left Andy for five minutes

and already he's made a complete howler with the crab.

I think without all of that brown meat,

it's going to taste really bland. I think the judges will notice it

but they can't eat all of those guts, it would have made them ill.

Such a shame, what a bad start.

While Andy concentrates in the kitchen, the mystery judges arrive.

Think you're under pressure, Andy?

Judge number one Rachel Green has cooked for the Royal Family.

So if you don't impress this food critic,

TV presenter and restaurateur, it'll be off with your head.

I think he's mad. You're mad.

Possibly not, but maybe.

OK, then.

Zut alors! Judge numero deux.

Jean-Christophe Novelli, the most magnifique chef on the telly.

This formidable Michelin star Frenchman

has won more awards than Andy's had hot dinners.

Well, nearly.

-Cooking is actually...

-Yeah?

..not just a, you know, a vocation, but it's also...

Uh-huh?

-..a way for anyone...

-Right.

-..using...

-OK.

-..ingredients...

-Right, fine.

-..by cooking it...

-Totally clear.

-..a way to...

-Yeah, totally.

-..express yourself.

Wow! OK, then.

The first one was bad but now I'm thinking, "Help".

-At least it's not me mum, though.

-Well, have we got news for you!

Yes! Judge number three is Andy's mum.

She's never been happy with her son

feeding her darling grandchildren takeaways.

If Andrew doesn't pass the test today,

she's grounding him until Christmas.

I believe that Andrew may be scared of me being a judge

because he knows that I know he can't cook.

My cooking was bad, is bad,

but she really lets everyone know it's really bad

and if it turns out bad today, then everybody'll know.

There's one thing Grandma can't stand, though.

If I eat garlic then I'm sick all night.

Well, thank goodness Andy isn't making garlic chicken then! D'oh!

The judges are each going to have a vote of a yum or a yuck

on Andy's cooking.

It's best of three so he has to get two out of three yums to pass.

But if he gets two or more yucks, it's back to the chopping board.

There's less than two hours to go now, and Andy's whacked

through the starter preparation, and is onto the main course prep.

First he needs to make Nan's favourite, garlic butter.

She doesn't even like the smell of it.

So it's going to be interesting to see how she fares with it.

I don't think she'll eat it.

-We'll see. We'll see.

-Yes, we will see.

And Bronny and Cameron will see

just how much their beloved gran hates garlic.

Right, Andy, make sure that butter is well locked in by your breadcrumb

mix or it'll escape into the pan into an utter-butter mess.

So, what do you reckon, Dave? Is it looking good?

Good lad.

Come on, Andy. You need to hurry up,

you've got less than an hour to go now and the kitchen is heating up.

Oi, Chef! We've got some hungry judges out there!

It'll be ready in a minute.

-Hurry up!

-You can't rush a masterpiece.

But is it going to be a masterpiece or a disaster piece?

I've got visions of the omelette and it's all,

it's all just passed away and now it's been replaced

by something that's actually genuinely beautiful.

Here comes the tricky bit.

Andy needs to get his crab stack out of the tube in one piece,

or it'll face certain failure from the judges.

Oh! Five, four, three, two, one.

-We have lift off!

-THEY CLAP

Bravo! Bravissimo!

For the starter, Andy had to make a crab, prawn,

tomato and avocado stack with pine nuts and a dressing like this one.

It's now time for Andy's version to face the judges.

Here we are, Madame.

-Thank you.

-24 hours after he failed to make an omelette,

Andy's food is about to be eaten by a two Michelin star chef,

a leading food critic and his mum.

I feel sick and it's not even the garlic.

Bof, Jean-Christophe, you are supposed to eat it not play with it.

For someone who couldn't cook an omelette yesterday, good effort.

I like the fact it has colours. Freshness. Chunks.

I was afraid to think of the crab meat to be

not fresh, you know.

It's good.

Mmm, seems to be getting a good reception. But Rachel isn't happy.

Don't know about pine nuts, don't know where that comes into it really.

Och, Rachel! What harm can a wee pine nut do?

The people who Andy wants to impress most are loving it.

-It's really nice.

-Mmm.

I know it's terrible to say it but it does lack a crabby hit.

It's a little bit too light.

Hey, whose side are you on, Stefan?

Despite the lack of brown meat,

it looks like Andy's starter has impressed.

But the main course is a much tougher task.

It's tricky, this bit, isn't it?

It's like juggling.

Did you know to be a chef you need to be able to juggle?

Well you do!

Especially when you're making sure

the chicken isn't over- or under-cooked.

Oh, uh-oh!

We've got a bit of a problem here, we've got some serious seepage

so that's the garlic butter coming out there, mate.

Uh-oh! That's just what Andy was trying to avoid

and could spell disaster with the judges

as it'll hardly taste of garlic!

Wait a minute, that could help avoid upsetting Gran!

Put it up right there, save as much of that beautiful butter as you can.

Time to clear the starters.

Everything all right with your avocado?

It was absolutely awful.

Mon dieu! But we thought he liked it!

Jean said it was awful.

-Did he?

-Yes.

-What did you say to them?

-I said it was awful.

Jean-Christophe, you little rascal. Winding those poor children up.

When I asked him for his comment he said, "Absolutely awful."

Next, Andy's got to plate the main course.

But has Jean-Christophe's joke put him off his game?

OK, you're running out of time now.

You need to stop being fiddly and you need to be really bold with it.

But look at that! He's an old hand now.

Just make sure Gran gets the one all the garlic butter leaked out of.

Brilliant. Oh, I love that.

Chef, I think you've done a good job, there.

This is the big moment for Andy's main course.

His task was to make chicken kiev

with mushroom rice and a green salad.

But will the judges be cock-a-hoop about Andy's kiev?

-Madame.

-Thank you.

-Enjoy your meal.

-So what, excuse me...?

What is this?

It's chicken kiev with rice and mushroom.

Mushroom rice.

Jean-Christophe is really hamming it up now.

Which is odd because he's been served chicken kiev.

That was so awkward.

It's good.

No, it's just a little French joke. Very funny.

Jean-Christophe turned around and went, "What is this?"

And he didn't look very happy, Chef.

I don't like the mushrooms particularly.

Rachel's got a few criticisms but what about Grandma and the garlic?

I have an intolerance to garlic...

..and yet I can't taste the garlic in this.

This is impossible for a Frenchman to understand!

But here is the real test.

Oh, look at that squirt.

Let's see that again.

Oh, like a garlic butter volcano.

Straight through the middle, there.

All right, guys, calm down.

They're even making me feel hungry now.

Wow! That is phenomenal.

-It's really good.

-What do you think, guys?

Going to have to start making this at home.

New family dish.

That's fine. I'll make this at home, you do the cleaning up.

-Mm-hmm.

-That's fine with me.

-It's nice and crunchy.

-It is lovely, isn't it?

That's what I call happy faces.

Even if Andy fails, he knows he's made these two happy.

If I was a judge, you'd definitely pass, just on that.

Although one of the judges doesn't like garlic.

Ah, kids! They build you up and then they knock you down.

I can't believe it, I can't believe it. How can she not like garlic?

It seems to be a bit of puzzle all round.

-I really can't taste the garlic.

-It's oozing.

I think he knows I don't like garlic

and I think he's missed it out of mine.

Ha! If only he'd planned it that well, Grandma.

It sort of combined very well with the dish.

Salad's OK.

Rachel Green isn't easily pleased, you know.

But the big question is, how will they vote?

So while Andy nervously waits for the judges to call him through

and hear his fate, let's remind ourselves how far he's come.

Less than 24 hours ago, Bronny and Cameron's Disaster Chef dad's

idea of cooking was opening a packet or phoning a takeaway.

But after being mentored by a food expert...

Well, nearly...our Stefan,

today he made an amazing two course meal for our panel of three judges.

Food critic and Royal caterer, Rachel Green.

Formidable famous French chef Jean-Christophe Novelli.

And garlic hater Grandma!

And he's had a few ups and downs along the way.

There's no way you can serve this.

But how will the judges vote?

What is this?

Can Andy get the two out of three yums he needs to pass?

It's time for The Verdict!

Remember, two yucks from the judges and he's crumble.

Rhubarb crumble.

-Are you ready to find this out?

-No.

Rachel. Can we have your verdict, please?

It's Royal Caterer Rachel Green.

She had a lot of complaints during the meal

but can she help make Andy king for a day?

-ALL: Yes!

-Look at that!

-Well done, Chef.

-Thank you.

Really good, well done to you.

Jean-Christophe, can we have your verdict please?

A yum or "yurm" from Jean-Christophe here

and Andy has got the two out of three he needs.

He enjoyed winding Bronny and Cameron up

but which way is he going to go? Ooh!

I have been cooking for a long, long time.

-Yeah, good for you.

-I saw many, many dishes...

Yeah. Allez, allez.

-I'm afraid...

-Allez, Jean-Christophe!

THEY CHEER

I just high fived myself!

Andy has passed! Unbelievable!

He might have passed but his harshest critic is last.

At the risk of family disaster,

shall we find out if you got a clean sweep?

Yeah, go on. Yes please.

OK.

Grandma. What's your verdict?

Beneath that sweet exterior is a heart of ice.

She's surely going to vote yuck and bring him back down to earth.

Is she? Oh!

-Sorry, And.

-THEY CHEER

Good old Grandma, she's made it a hat trick.

And speaking of hats, he doesn't need this old thing anymore.

Oh, and look!

His family and friends have just arrived to celebrate with him.

First of all I need to strip you of your title as Disaster Chef.

You are now a real chef.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I never thought I'd be standing next to my dad with that hat on.

I thought he'd always have the Disaster Chef hat on.

I can't believe the comments.

At one point I heard Jean-Christophe say he was a genius.

I was worrying about it

cos I didn't think if he could pull it off, but he managed to.

And I'm very proud of him for that.

In the kitchen, a genius? This is my husband! Amazing!

I couldn't ask for anything better.

To get that kind of comment and to get a yum

from two top critics, including a Michelin chef

and my mum.

Just amazed, absolutely amazed.

APPLAUSE

Yeees!

Well, for somebody who couldn't cook an omelette yesterday,

Andy was amazing.

I thought the crab would have had him done for

but he passed with flying colours,

he even managed to get Gran to eat some garlic.

Now Bronny and Cameron can look forward to some fantastic food

to help them punch their way to glory.

Heei-ya! Yeah, you know what I mean. Bye-bye!