Episode 8 Disaster Chefs

Meet the Disaster Chefs. They're the parents who are rubbish at cooking.

Dinner, Charley

Naaaaa!

They make things like this and this.

-And this.

-Disgusting!

And foodie fanatic Stefan Gates is the only person who can help.

He's got just 24 hours to help them master a two-course meal

in a professional kitchen for some fierce critics.

-Horrible.

-Get cooking!

-Will they raise like a souffle or flop like a pancake?

-I've failed!

Will it be Yum or Yuck?!

Start your blenders!

Today's Disaster Chef is dad-of-two Clive from Sunderland.

Daughters 13-year-old Lucy and nine-year-old Ella

are mad about music, but no-one's in tune

when it comes to family meal times.

Hello! Dinner's ready.

Noooooooo!

Dad's weird food combos are enough to put anyone off,

and that's before he cooks them.

Anything that goes on at this stove, is burnt.

Or undercooked.

Clive has an obsession with all things Swedish.

Not only is his food unpronounceable,

it's inedible as well.

How do you say that again?

IN SWEDISH:

You can say that again.

Look at the skin on that. Oh, my goodness.

He's only ever got us one meal right. Beans on toast.

But that's when he wasn't burning the beans or the toast.

How can you burn beans on toast?

Disgusting. I can't eat any more.

Clive can cook a wide range of dishes,

especially if they contain a particular type of food.

What is it again, Clive?

Fish fingers, mashed potato and peas. Fish fingers and chips.

Fish fingers, beans and chips.

I think that's quite a lot of variety there.

Well, as long as you like fish fingers.

Clive might be blowing his own trumpet...

..but there's definitely no harmony in his food.

He's burnt me pan last week. That wasn't very good.

And that was just cooking beans.

IN SWEDISH:

For sure you are!

Let's taste.

I don't like it that much, Dad.

I just don't know what things go together

and what things don't go together.

He'll put carrots and pizzas together.

It just doesn't make sense.

-Dad, do you really expect us to eat that?

-Yes.

Nice.

Dad's dinners are so bad that Lucy often takes over in the kitchen

when Mum's not around.

But Clive would love to make a meal that's music to his family's ears.

I wish I could prepare a nice meal for them.

It would be a really nice thing to do.

It's a long shot, but what this Disaster Chef dad doesn't know

is that in 24 hours,

he'll need to feed three mystery judges restaurant-standard food

from a professional kitchen, a bit like this one.

Lucy and Ella need rescuing, fast. They need a culinary lifeguard.

Someone who can help kids from coast to coast

turn their parents into capable cooks.

It's Stefan "the hero" Gates!

Wah! It's freezing!

Oh, you're so brave, Stefan. Hurry up though, the girls need help.

Hiya. Right girls, what's so bad about your dad's cooking?

He can never ever get anything at all right.

It's either always burnt or undercooked.

He burns fish fingers and makes them all soggy and horrible.

He burns them and makes them soggy at the same time?

Wow, that takes talent.

I can't deny it. I am rubbish.

He cooked this last night.

Is that actually food?

Vegetable fingers are burnt, the mashed potato's lumpy.

That's not mashed potato.

It's just sort of damaged a bit, isn't it?

It baffles me that somebody can get it so wrong.

That's not bad, compared to normal. That's pretty good.

-That's a success, is it?

-I'm pleased with that.

You're definitely the only one.

It's not nice. It's not nice, it's not nice food, I don't like it.

But you know what, it might be a bit burnt,

it might lack some love, but I have seen a lot worse,

so I'm thinking maybe Clive has potential.

So Stefan's heard how bad Clive is.

Now it's time to see for himself.

Clive must make easy-peasy eggy bread with bacon.

It's time for the Rookie Challenge.

You've got exactly five minutes to do it, starting now. Go!

To make the perfect eggy bread with bacon,

first, fry the bacon in oil for two minutes on each side.

Whisk the eggs, then dip the bread in and pop into another hot pan

with butter for two minutes on each side, then serve. Ta-da!

Let's start on the bacon.

I know I need egg in the pan,

but how much do you cook it before you put the bread in?

Mistake number one. Don't cook the egg.

Right, let's get some egg on.

What's he doing?

He's had two minutes already,

and there's nothing actually cooking yet.

I don't think this is going to be finished in time.

Come on, Clive, it's egg and bread, easy!

Right, what now? What now?

How about the bread?

Atta boy, but Stefan and the kids back off. Wise move.

Got one minute, 20 seconds, Dad.

Oh, my Lord.

He's inventing a whole new breakfast.

And making a right pig's ear of that bacon.

I don't think he has a clue what he's doing.

-No-one has a clue what he's doing.

-It's not going very well.

At least it's not burning.

I can smell it, burning.

Oh, Clive.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,

four, three, two, one, on the plate, please! OK, let's go! Right!

Let's have a look.

Very suspect, that is kind of steamed bacon, not fried at all.

And this is just a sponge with snot on it.

Blueeugh!

It looks better than things he's cooked before.

Doesn't even look that good.

Stefan, time to be honest.

-It's disgusting.

-It is disgusting.

OK, Hilda, pass that in, please. Thank you, Hilda.

That is perfect eggy bread with bacon, look -

bacon is brown, the egg is cooked.

I'd never eat something like that, but I'd eat something like that.

-Clive, congratulations.

-Thank you.

You clearly are a complete and utter Disaster Chef.

I am.

In just 24 hours, Clive must cook up two courses

for three surprise judges, who'll declare his food either Yuck or Yum.

-Is he up for it?

-I'll give it a go.

Now for the all-important hat. Very swish.

If you manage to succeed in your task, you can take the hat off.

-If not, you'll have to wear it for ever.

-Oh, God.

Now I think we should go and choose the menu.

Clive, clear this lot up, come on, let's go.

While Dad does the dishes, Stefan's taking the girls

on a shopping expedition, and they've already got a plan.

-Well, Dad loves Swedish.

-Yeah, maybe something Swedish.

Do you know, that's not a bad idea,

because Swedish food is delicious, it's really healthy

and some of it is quite tricky so can be a good challenge for him.

Seeing as the girls love music, they're also putting together

a band inspired by Swedish super-group ABBA.

Oh, wow, look at you!

Trouble is, there's only two of you.

We need to go shopping for ingredients, and new band members.

-Definitely, yeah.

-Let's go!

And what better place than, erm, a fishmongers!

Right, we're after some Swedish fish.

-Can we get three big fat herring?

-No problem at all.

Also...

We're putting together a Swedish band.

Have you got anyone who can sing and dance?

-Great idea.

-One of our team could.

-Yes, fishmongers dancing.

-SINGING

-Actually, stop!

-SINGING

Stick to fishmongering, please!

Do you know what, that was brilliant,

but I think we'll just take the fish.

-There you go.

-Brilliant. Thank you very much.

-Thank you.

-Take care.

So they're taking a chance on the grocers instead.

But these ladies are only interested in one thing...

# Money, money, money, must be funny, in a rich man's world... #

No, it's not funny, or clever. Last but not least, the butchers.

Can we get some mince, please?

Do they have a super trooper to join the band?

SINGING

Oh, again, stop, please.

SINGING

Fantastic - what do you reckon, girls?

They were good but they just weren't good enough.

Sorry. I'll just take the mince.

So no luck with the extra band members

but, when all is said and done, they've got everything they need

for a scrummy Swedish menu.

-Beautiful herrings.

-Some mince.

Some mince there. Lovely.

Thyme, parsley.

So it's time to show Dad what he's got to cook,

but Stefan's got a surprise for the girls.

What the...? I think you look magic, Stefan, really.

The other two members of the band for you.

How about that? Don't we get a round of applause?

No? OK, so....

On behalf of the BBC, I'd like to apologise.

They're definitely not going through to boot camp,

so come on, what's he got to make?

You're going be cooking this.

Traditional Swedish smorgasbord selection of meatballs

and cured fish.

And for dessert, creamy, fruity Swedish princess cake.

Clive, there's a caterpillar on your face!

OK, tall order?

Stefan's not exactly making it easy for him.

So, you think you're ready for this?

I'll give it my best shot.

With Stefan's reputation on the line,

he'll be guiding Clive through how it should be done.

OK. I think it's time to get to work.

This is serious. Best lose the tashes.

It's time for Stefan's Crash Course, with pudding first.

To make the perfect Swedish princess cake, make the creme patissiere.

Leave to cool, make the sponges and whip the cream with sugar.

Spread jam onto the sponge, pipe on the creme patissiere and cream.

Cover and decorate with marzipan. Delish.

But do take care when cooking and get permission from your adult.

Because we're making princess cakes for two princesses,

I think what we need is a little bit of...

Fantastic!

OK, Clive, let's see if we can make you look better.

-No.

-Shame.

For the perfect creme patissiere, whisk egg yolks and sugar.

Then mix in flour and cornflour.

Warm the milk, add vanilla essence and take off the heat.

Pour into the egg mix. Cook till thick. Pop in a bowl.

Cover and cool.

Then whip the cream, and fold into the mouth watering mixture.

Simple, right?

Eggs. We need to separate the yolk from the white.

What do I do?

I feel your pain.

I'd run if I were you.

Egg white there. Egg yolk goes in there.

-Right, OK.

-OK? That's it.

Try to tip some of the white out there, that's the one.

Not bad at all.

But the girls have got some serious skills.

Fantastic. That's brilliant, look at that, it's perfect, first time.

Now he's got to crack the rest of the complicated cake.

No chance! Next it's the sponges.

-So this is just eggs and sugar?

-Eggs and sugar, yeah.

That's really thickening up, isn't it?

I've only been doing one thing at a time so far.

So that's just about been manageable.

Just wait till tomorrow. Multi-tasking all the way!

Quite calm being around him, isn't it? What's it normally like?

Hectic. Running around everywhere throwing things out the way.

-He might pull this off then.

-Maybe.

And look, he's not completely rubbish.

You've made a cake. You've made a cake, Clive.

Yes!

I was really worried to begin with, about his confidence

but Clive seems to be throwing himself into it, he's enjoying this.

The girls have taken time off to practise their moves,

so Stefan's giving Clive some decorating tips.

And then, as you're rolling it, just make... ah!

You're meant to be the expert, Stefan.

There should be a beautiful pink rose on the cake.

So you've cracked that then.

And finally, thank goodness, it's time to put it all together.

First of all, jam.

The jam is key,

giving the cake a lovely sharp taste to contrast the creamy flavours.

And then your creme patissiere.

So you start in the middle and go round the outside like that.

OK?

OK.

Then, you build it up, with the whipped cream.

And that looks, erm, yes, interesting, to say the least.

It's like you're laying a big white poo.

No, Stefan. Urgh!

And once the marzipan's popped on top, the cake is finished at last.

It'll be easy to make that go horribly wrong.

It's going to be carnage.

There's still the main to do yet,

but Stefan should be keeping that simple.

For the perfect Swedish smorgasbord, you need to make meatballs,

roll-mop herrings... oh, and cucumber salad.

And beetroot and apple salad. Blimey.

And dill and mustard sauce served with king prawns, gravlax

and rye bread!

Oh, poor Clive. But at least the girls are back.

We've got pork and beef minced up, OK?

The reason you've mixed the two is you've got lots of fat in the pork,

and lots of flavour from the beef, so you get best of both worlds.

For the perfect Swedish meatballs, mix mince, onion, garlic,

herbs, breadcrumbs and salt.

Roll into balls and fry until browned.

For the gravy, brown the onions, add flour, stock and tomato puree.

Simmer, then serve over the meatballs

and gently simmer for another 20 minutes.

Add cream to thicken and season to taste. Scrummy!

Never seen four people take so long to put salt in a bowl.

Get your fingers right in there, I want you squeezing on it

and see it spurting out through your fingers.

That's it, go on! Get in there. That's it.

And can you feel it squidging in your fingers?

Roll them in with love, with love, Clive!

I think Stefan might need a break.

Ideally, they'll be brown all over,

and then give them a nice, slow, gentle simmering.

And we don't want to overcook them cos they'll be dry and bouncy.

And with ton of dishes to muck up, I mean make, for the main,

Clive's going to have to give it everything he's got tomorrow.

So just remind you of the task. 24 hours, three judges,

two amazing dishes, one professional kitchen.

I'm not sure if I'm going to be able to remember everything

and pull it off.

Think positive!

So, what would it mean to you if he succeeded?

Just enjoy having a dad who can cook.

No pressure, then.

Gets in right where it hurts.

And he's still got homework to do.

There are three main things you need to cover.

First thing is, kitchen kit.

Secondly, the ingredients. Third thing is, the recipes.

-Recipes, ingredients... What's the last one?

-Kit.

I've got a bad feeling about this.

Oh, wow, what a day.

There's so much work involved in this.

Do you know what, Clive messing up a plate of fish fingers is bad enough,

but this is an entirely Swedish meal, for a man who loves Sweden.

If he messes this up, he'll alienate the entire Swedish nation.

After a late night doing his homework, the big day has arrived.

Just 24 hours ago, Clive's crazy food combos

were either burnt or uncooked, driving daughters Lucy and Ella mad.

So culinary lifeguard Stefan Gates,

came to the rescue to give this Disaster Chef dad

a cookery crash course.

You made a cake, Clive!

Today, Clive will be working from a top restaurant's professional

kitchen, to try and earn Yums, not Yucks, from three surprise judges.

It's the big day!

In just a few hours, Clive needs to be serving up fantastic,

restaurant-quality food for three very hungry judges,

right here in one of the poshest restaurants in town.

This isn't the posh bit, posh bit's out there.

Anyway, the question is, can he do it? I don't know.

I'm not sure either.

But one thing I do know is that to master being a chef,

you need to dress like one.

Ta-da!

I think you look smashing.

And the girls look good as his waitresses as well.

-OK, you all set?

-Yes, ready to go.

Three, two, one, get cooking.

Clive's homework was to revise the kitchen kit, ingredients

and recipes.

Now it's time to see if he's slaved away or skived off,

and the girls aren't completely confident.

I don't think he's going to be able to pull it off as well,

under pressure.

-Hopefully he can do it as fast as he can.

-Come on, Dad.

Right, OK, so let's separate the eggs.

Mr Professional!

That looks right. Can't believe it.

I had my doubts as well, but Clive needs to get over his fears

and get cooking. He's spending most of his time

re-reading the recipe. Get moving!

Erm, move milk from heat and gradually pour into the egg mixture.

Come on, Clive, pour it in. Go on. Tip it in.

You can do it, just tip, tip the pan, nearly, it's nearly just,

pour it in.

Eight to ten minutes over a low heat.

But he's not checked the recipe in, oh, seconds!

Where's me instructions? It's actually working.

I'm really being careful with the heat.

Take another look, go on, there you go.

I'm really pleased with that.

And we're off and straightaway

I can see he's throwing himself into this.

He's grabbed the bull by the horns.

He's yanked the bull around, he's giving it a cuddle,

he's put it on the floor, picked it up,

he's running around playing kiss-chase with the bull!

You know what I mean.

If he fails, it won't be for want of trying.

Or for not checking the recipe.

Remove from the heat and whisk for a further three minutes

or until cool.

Whoa.

Two things at the same time, the kids would be proud of us, and Rita.

Don't get cocky, Clive.

The problem is that his constant recipe checks are wasting time.

Come on, Dad.

Come on, Dad, less than two hours now.

Yeah, you really need to crack on.

Huge amount left to do.

While they're piling on the pressure, they might as well

crank it up a notch by announcing who'll be critiquing his food.

We're going to reveal to you who your judges are.

Judge one!

Is Jimmy, head chef and owner of this very restaurant.

He not only knows his food, he knows what can be made from this kitchen.

If this guy doesn't deliver the goods, I'll be letting him know.

Oh, no.

Judge Two! Is Kelsey-Beth Crossley.

Even though she's an actor and former Emmerdale star,

if she doesn't like the food, she won't be able to hold back.

Ee-by-gum!

I'm not brilliant at hiding my emotions, so if it's not

brilliant today, if I don't tell him I think he'll know anyway.

I'm now more worried than I was.

It's about to get worse. Judge Three!

Is best friend Jerry Dobson, who won't be curbing his criticism.

If it's not nice, I'm afraid I'm going to have to tell him

it's not nice.

Oh, gawd, Jerry. Oh. My harshest critic!

Make that three of your harshest critics.

But they'll be lucky if there's anything to criticise at this rate.

Pudding's still not done, and he's not even started the main.

-I think you'd better work a bit harder.

-OK.

-Love you, Dad.

Clive's friends and family have arrived,

and our judges are gearing up to hand out a Yum or a Yuck

for Dad's cooking.

It's the best of three, so two Yums and he'll have struck lucky.

Two or more Yucks and this disaster chef will need a lot of fine tuning

before he's allowed back in the kitchen.

Swedish menu, aye?

Do you know exactly what this is?

Cured fish, pickled fish, and with meatballs.

What do you make of the dessert?

That's, well, it's actually my favourite cake.

I love that cake, so I'm really hoping that this is going to be nice.

We all hope that.

Clive must push on and abandon his pudding recipe and start

the main if he's got a chance of getting the food out on time.

Starting to rush around, I'm feeling the pressure, that's for sure.

Get moving! No, don't look at the recipe again!

Reading isn't cooking, Clive.

Oh, yeah! Yes.

That is good.

How good can raw meat be? Very good, it seems.

Feel it coming through.

Moving on.

With only 28 minutes left, Clive's going to struggle to get

the meatballs done, let alone the rest of the smorgasbord.

But luckily, the cavalry are on stand-by.

-Hi, Dad, we've come to help.

-Hi!

We are aware that you're running out of time.

Oh, thank goodness for that.

Does feel a little bit like cheating though, doesn't it?

Yeah. But we just want him to win.

While the guys make the sauce and salads,

Clive starts plating up, leaving the meatballs unattended.

Now remember, Stefan said to simmer them gently and not overcook them!

I smell disaster!

Oh that's... Oh, that's on a really high heat.

Oh, that's really bad news, they're going to go really rubbery.

That could be disaster. Oh.

It was going so well, so much effort,

and he left the meatballs boiling.

But it's too late now.

That's it.

Clive's tricky task was to put together a traditional

Swedish smorgasbord selection of meatballs

and cured fish like this, and finally Clive's is good to go,

and do you know, it doesn't look half-bad.

Off you go, girls. Well done, good luck.

The waitresses don't need the luck.

Thank you very much.

So this is the sort of thing that usually scares me.

It's like a bushtucker trial.

Anyone else seen fish salad or meatballs in a bushtucker trial?

So, main course has gone out.

Yeah, I've got to move on to the marzipan.

All right, crack on.

It's colourful. It's nicely presented.

There's lots going on.

It's just, it's just a bit intimidating to me.

It's just, it looks alive.

She's scared now, but not too scared to rip its head off!

Oh, it made a noise! I can't do it.

The rubbery meatballs will be far nicer.

It's still looking at me.

The meatballs are a little bit crunchy.

Oh, well.

-Nice flavour, the meatballs.

-I agree.

Though the texture's not quite right.

Like an old burger just been rolled up in balls.

-Ouch!

-I think you're right.

-Harsh.

That pudding best be good

or Clive's got no chance of getting any Yums from the judges.

OK, now that is going on a white plate.

The Swedish princess cake looks a bit lumpy.

Let's hope the taste cancels out the way it appears.

You've made one whole cake!

Only three more to go.

You're getting into the swing of this now, it's great.

Like an expert cook.

Oh, I wouldn't say that.

Neither would I.

-I'm doing the best I can, girls.

-Chop-chop.

Chop-chop?! I'll give you chop-chop.

Clive had the mammoth mission of making a Swedish princess cake

like this, and what seems like hours later,

Clive's made, well, this.

Not bad, even if it does look like it's come from a cartoon.

OK, those ready to go, Chef?

Yes, ready to go. Out you go. Good luck.

Take them carefully. Thank you.

-There we are.

-Oh, wow.

-Thank you, Ella.

Does look fancy, thank you.

It looks good, but one of the key elements of cake

is the sharp-tasting jam to contrast the creamy layers,

and if I'm not mistaken...

-You did put the jam on underneath, didn't you?

-Argh! Man!

-Disaster!

-You didn't put jam...?

No jam on any of them.

No jam on them! No jam!

No jam!

The judges might not spot it,

I mean, it's not like Jimmy's a huge fan of this very cake.

Oh, yeah.

I can't see any jam between the sponge and the creme patissiere.

Busted!

I think it needs the jam for that sort of sharpness to cut through.

-I don't really know what I'm talking about.

-A-ha?

-But I, I like it.

-At least she's not scared of the cake.

I think the flavour's there with this, I think he's done well.

-I fully agree with you.

-But do the girls agree?

They need to start with the main first, though.

I've never really liked meatballs, but I quite like them.

Yay!

Flavour is spot-on.

I would prefer them to be a little bit more tender.

-And the pudding?

-Creme patissiere?

The creme patissiere tastes really nice.

I don't believe you did it by yourself.

It's a shock! Sticking to the recipe must have worked.

Well, apart from forgetting the jam.

That creme patissiere is absolutely fantastic.

I am missing a little bit of that sort of tartness from the jam

that would have been there, but that's pretty marvellous.

Thank you.

It's a shame about the jam,

but it didn't seem to make that much difference,

they enjoyed it anyway. I'm bowled over that you like my cooking.

Good news from the girls, but now it's over to the judges.

It's time for The Verdict!

24 hours ago, Lucy and Ella's Disaster Chef dad

didn't have a clue in the kitchen, so his meals were burnt or uncooked.

After a culinary class from Stefan, Clive's knocked up

a two-course meal in a professional kitchen for head chef Jimmy,

actress Kelsey-Beth and best friend Jerry.

They'll certify if the food's restaurant quality

by giving Clive a Yum or a Yuck.

Two Yums and he's a Disaster Chef no more.

Two Yucks and it's total humiliation for both Clive and Stefan,

in front of Clive's friends and family.

He's pulled out all the stops for his challenging Swedish menu,

but now it's time to face the music.

Jimmy. Your verdict, please?

Head chef Jimmy liked the meatball flavour but not the texture,

and he missed the jam in his beloved Princess cake.

But has he changed his tune?

Well, there's been some pluses and minuses, over the two courses,

but my verdict is...

ALL: Noooo!

Gutted.

One more Yuck and Clive really has hit a bum note with his food.

Actress Kelsey-Beth was frightened of the main,

but was the pudding delicious enough to win her round?

The meatballs were really grisly

and the pudding was really nice and I really enjoyed it.

Give him a Yum, go on!

But I'm sorry, it's a...

ALL: Noooooo!

Oh, no. He worked so hard.

Poor Clive.

It may be a done deal, but to make sure Clive has truly blown it,

we should hear from best mate, Jerry, who thought the meatballs

were old burgers, but he liked the cake.

Jerry. Your verdict, please.

Well, I was very surprised, the presentation was excellent.

The food tasted...

ALL: Noooo!

Oh, no! Oh, no!

I can't believe it.

-I can. Did you see his eggy bread?

-I'm pretty gutted.

I've learned loads from doing it, so even if this meal was Yuck,

the next one will be Yum, and I'm going to try again.

Despite Clive's extraordinary efforts

for his Swedish extravaganza, his food just wasn't up to scratch,

so he must swap his hat for a total Disaster Chef hat.

You've been brilliant.

He got three Yucks, but Clive seems to have found a new love of cooking.

He just needs a bit more practice

before he can create sweet music in the kitchen.

-Yeah, I'm proud of him.

-Thanks.

-You've done really well.

-Thanks.

Didn't quite deliver on certain parts of the dishes,

so we had to mark them as a Yuck, I'm afraid.

Wasn't the best meal I've ever had,

but he did it and everyone should be really proud of him.

I'm very impressed. He's done a good job.

I know that he's put a lot of work into it.

I think it's a bit mean, but I think he's enjoyed himself

and learned a lot.

Even though the judges didn't see him, I've seen a massive

change in him over 24 hours and Lucy and Ella have now

got a dad who seems to love cooking, and that's a vast change.

Let's hope he just gets better and better.