Bubble Bobbin Robin Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions

# We've got a television show of our own

# Making stuff that's been designed by you lot at home

# Building your inventions the best that we can

# Mostly out of rubbish from the back of our van

# We've even got a title that'll grab your attention

# All together now

# Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions. #

-Well, who'd have thought it, Oucho? Another series.

-Ha ha!

I expect the boss misheard

-and didn't realise what she was agreeing to.

-Ha ha! Ah, di!

Seymour Scandal Investigates.

-Oh, I love Seymour Scandal.

-Di.

Brilliant. He's back on the TV, investigating scandals.

-Him der nerdee!

-Yes, he's so nasty, isn't he?

But fair. He only investigates people who deserve it.

Who's he investigating this week? Which evil villain?

'This week, Seymour Scandal is asking,

-'are Ed and Oucho science fakes?'

-What?!

-Seymour Scandal's investigating us?

-Oh, no!

Oh, no, no, this is terrible. Cos if he investigates us,

he'll find out we know nothing about science and get help.

The Big, Big Cheese will find out,

we'll lose our jobs and we'll be ruined.

OK, Oucho, there's only one thing to do.

-Ee evlaboof!

-Yes, eat everything.

No. Not eat everything. No, we've got to find a really easy invention.

So we look like we know about science,

-but it requires no science at all?

-Di.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Oh, I wonder who this could be at this inopportune moment.

Hellos?

It's you! It's Seymour.

Ed and Oucho, isn't it true that you only choose really easy inventions,

and you don't actually know anything about science?

-No.

-No, no, no.

We don't choose easy inventions.

Just now, actually, we chose... We chose this.

It's... It's called the, erm, the Bubble Bobbin Robin.

-Oh, di, di.

-It's a hovering craft that hovers over land and water

and it blows bubbles and shoots gunge at your friends.

It's from Parysa in Batley.

You mean, a hovercraft?

-Er, yes.

-Di.

You're going to make one of the most complicated vehicles in the world?

-Yes.

-This I have got to see!

Yeah, well you will see it actually.

-Di.

-Because we love hovering and craft work.

-Crah bler.

-So go away!

-Di, go!

-Go on, get out, Mr Scandal, if that really is your name.

-Di.

Now, this is going to be great.

I secretly spoke to Parysa's mum and found out

that on Tuesdays she practises street dance after school.

So, we're just going to dance into her house and amaze her

-while she's practising her own dance moves.

-Oh, Eh, milaw lars flunks.

No, we do not look like fools. I spoke to Sam and Mark.

This is what people wear when they're doing street-dance classes.

Those guys know cool. Just follow my moves.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

What do you mean, you don't have any moves? Copy what I do.

I'm a hip-hoppin', body-poppin'... man, yeah? Just do as I do.

-Hi, Ed. Hi, Oucho.

-Hello.

Ow! Ch-ch, hey!

Oh, no dancing, why no dancing?

Because I'm practising my violin.

No, no, no. This is Tuesday, you practise street dance on a Tuesday.

Actually, today's Wednesday. I practise my violin on Wednesdays.

-Oh, no.

-No, today is Tuesday, definitely Tuesday.

There's a very easy way of verifying that. Just take him there.

We'll soon see who's right.

-Oh, no!

-Oh, it's Wednesday.

-Flunk.

Could I come into your house and hide from the entire world?

-Come in.

-You don't want to see me do the robot, do you?

-Erm, no.

-Flunk.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Oh, Oucho likes your house.

-Oh, thanks.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-No, we can't live here.

-Oh.

Anyway, let's get on with the science, which we love!

Oh, science!

So, if you can just put on this Brainstormer helmet. Lovely.

And tell us why you want to invent the Bubble Bobbin Robin.

I want to invent the Bubble Bobbin Robin,

a vehicle that hovers over land and water.

I'd like it to have a bubble machine on it to make bubbles,

a cup-holder to hold my lemonade,

and a gunge squirter to squirt all my friends with.

Well, that all sounds very doable.

-Di.

-There's just a few things we need to ask you about it, though.

You say you want it to hover, where would you like it to go?

-Out to sea?

-Erm, no, how about the nearby lake?

That's probably more sensible.

Oh, here's an important question.

Is your mum planning on making any cake any time soon?

I don't know, I'll go ask her.

# Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions. #

We better start this hovercraft before Seymour comes back.

Think, Oucho. What exactly is hovering?

Hmm.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

What Shirley does sometimes?

-No, that's hoovering. Hovering!

-Oh.

Hey, you two. Relax.

To make something hover, you need a cushion of air.

-Oh, it's Benson, the goldfish.

-Oh, hellos, Bensa.

What did you say?

I said, a cushion of air. Look.

If you place a large fan under a vehicle face down,

it forces many air molecules below.

A big fan under the vehicle.

Yeah, man. Dat's what I said.

Everything is made of molecules, you know.

The air molecules being forced down create an area of high-pressure air.

And high pressure's good?

Oh, yes. Look.

As the air molecules try to spread out, they push upwards,

downwards and side to side, making a cushion of air.

-A cushion of air.

-A cushion of air?

Yeah. That's what you said, Benson, a cushion of air.

What are you talking about, man?

Fish don't use cushions.

-Try and remember, Benson, try and remember!

-Who are you, man?

That's the problem with goldfish.

-They've got a memory like a... Well, a goldfish.

-True.

But we did find out that we need a large fan.

-Di.

-Now, where are we going to get a large fan?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Dan the Fan Man has fans in his van?

-Di.

-Where's Dan the Fan Man's van?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, right. Oh.

Let's go and see if Dan the Fan Man's got any fans in his van.

-Di.

-Good plan.

This will be one in the eye for stupid Seymour,

-the stupid investigator of stupid things.

-Di.

By the time he gets back,

we'll have built this hovercraft and sailed to China.

Oh, so it's stupid Seymour the stupid, is it?

I've not been called that since secondary school.

So, Ed Petrie, or as your colleagues at the BBC like to call you,

Peepee Petrie.

That's outrageous and untrue, and only happens sometimes.

Oh, I know a lot of scandal about you.

Because, unlike you, I'm good at my job and that is why people love me.

All I have to do is prove you can't make the Bubble Bobbin Robin

and that'll be the end of you and your ugly little cactus.

-Oh, really? Well, I can make the Bubble Bobbin Robin.

-Di.

So, nuts to you and your ugly little cactus.

I haven't got a cactus.

Yeah? Well, you can shut up, then.

-Di.

-Look over there, a miracle wart cream store! Quick, let's scarper.

Oh!

In your face, Seymour stupid face.

-Di.

-It's done.

-Oh, eh, dom so losserly!

It looks lovely, doesn't it? Parysa!

Hi, Ed. Hi, Oucho. Have you built my Bubble Bobbin Robin?

Yeah, sure have. It's fantastic and it totally works.

-Do you want to see it?

-Yeah.

-Ta dah! This is it.

-Wow.

Doesn't look like a robin,

and it doesn't have a cup-holder or a gunge-squirter.

-Well, I can stick those things on later.

-Di, di, di.

-What are these?

-These are some pictures of famous Robins I found.

I can get rid of them.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Yeah, hop on.

-Di.

-It doesn't look very safe.

It's totally safe, isn't it?

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Yeah, very safe indeed.

Get on and I'll start the rotating blades.

-How am I supposed to...?

-Just get on.

-Geh on!

-Is there any...?

OUCHO SHOUTS IN CACTINIAN

-A bit better than that. Just get on it better.

-I can't, it's...

-Tell you what, I'll start the fans, and then you can get on it.

-Di.

-Oh!

-What? The fan was meant to create a cushion of air.

Ah!

-Seymour!

-Well!

Well, well, well!

-Well?

-Ye, wha?

So, Ed Petrie, what happened to your Bubble Bobbin Robin?

Why did it break and fall over?

Could it be you're an idiot who knows nothing about science?

This isn't a Bubble Bobbin Robin.

-Is it, Parysa?

-No.

-Is it, Oucho?

Di... No, no. No.

Did you think that was my Bubble Bobbin Robin?

-Cos you're the idiot if you thought that.

-Di, a losserly irias.

We can only imagine why Ed Petrie and his lying sidekick

would force an innocent young girl onto a broken and unstable platform.

Are these really the sorts of people we want our children to learn from?

Seymour Scandal continues to investigate.

Yeah, after he's finished investigating his warts.

How were you going to make a hovercraft without a curtain?

A curtain? I mean, a curtain! Yeah, we know all about curtains.

-We've got a curtain.

-You have?

Why did you get me to say that?

You're fired.

So, what went wrong?

The fan was supposed to make a cushion of air, but it didn't work.

-Why?

-Well, Seymour said something about curtains.

Cushions, curtains...

-Are we building a hovercraft or furnishing a living room?

-Ooh!

Maybe we should just find out more about cushions and curtains.

But I don't know anything about cushions or curtains,

or soft furnishings in general. It's all a bit girly for me.

-Ah! Doola Darwie!

-Danielle Darwin?

-Di!

-Oh yes, she's a girl, isn't she?

-And she always did surprisingly well at school.

-Ah, dem surs prurry.

Being pretty isn't important, mate.

-OUCHO SIGHS LONGINGLY

-Come on, let's see Danielle Darwin.

-Hi, Danielle.

-Hello, babes.

-Losserly.

Hello there, you little green freak of nature.

We need to find out about cushions and curtains.

They're not as good as handbags and footballs and puppies,

but I do love soft furnishings. What you looking for, babes?

-A cushion of air for a hovercraft.

-You can't buy a cushion of air.

I wish you could, cos then I could put my head on it at night

and in the morning, my hair would be perfect.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-He says you're always perfect.

-Oh, thank you, you little weirdo.

-Anyway, how do we get hold of a cushion of air?

Well, you gotta make one with a fan.

We tried to make a cushion of air with a fan

-and it smashed to the ground.

-Well, it would do, without a curtain.

Why do we need a curtain?

Like, imagine, right, if this basket of sponges didn't have any sides.

-What'd happen?

-All the sponges would fall out.

-Exactly.

That's what a curtain does.

-Stops all the air molecules escaping out the sides.

-OK.

-We'll take this curtain, please.

-Ha-ha-ha!

No, you can't use any old curtain. You gotta use a wind-proof one.

You need to test different materials.

Well, can we have that cup-holder and bubble machine?

Yeah, whatever.

And I don't suppose you've got a windproof testing machine?

Aw, no. We just sold the last one.

But, you can have my old hairdryer, yeah?

Seeing as your little friend's so cute.

OUCHO GIGGLES

Just finished building the testing machine in there.

-Oh, we need a hairdryer. Can you get that one off Oucho?

-Yes.

OUCHO GROWLS

-Ed, Oucho's growling at me.

-Just take it off him.

No, doo carm mabbles!

Why can't we have it?

-Eh, too prooshar!

-It's not precious.

-Eh smootos monure.

-I don't care if it smells of Danielle.

Look, if we can't find a windproof material,

-we can't build a hovercraft, can we?

-Noss.

Then Seymour Scandal's going to make his TV programme

-about how rubbish we are. Now, do you want Danielle to see that?

-Noss.

Right, well dismantle this shrine to her. Give me that hairdryer.

-OK.

-And this gold curtain.

-OK.

-And this red velvet.

-OK.

-And that £50 you hid in a banana skin.

-OK.

-Ha!

Just need a couple more things.

Well, I found this.

Oh, what's that?

It looks like the inner tube to a tractor tyre or something.

That could be good, yeah. One more thing.

Oh, there's some net curtains in the van.

You use nets for catching things, so maybe they'll catch air.

I'm good. I'm a genius. I'm going to buy a hat with "genius" on it.

Where is Parysa? Parysa!

-I'm here. Nice hat.

-Oh, thank you very much.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Yes, it was the best £50 I've ever spent.

-Meh.

Now, here's how the testing machine works.

I'm going to put different materials in front of this hairdryer,

-which Oucho's going to turn on and off.

-Di.

But we need to find out if air gets through the material.

-So that's what the feathers are for?

-Yeah.

I need you to get your face in front of the feathers to see if any move.

-But won't they all blow in my face?

-Yeah.

-Di.

If you're going to be all "health and safety" about it,

wear these goggles and a face mask, OK?

-Right, everyone in position?

-Di.

-What setting is the hairdryer on?

Billi, billi, billi, billi hos.

-Very, very hot.

-And you want me to put my face next to it?

-Di.

Put it down to the cool setting, will you? Are you happy now?

Yes, and you'll be pleased to know

-that I don't have any feather allergies.

-Ah, losserly.

Great. OK, let's get testing.

First up, the net curtain.

-It's a curtain, that's what we're looking for.

-Di.

-Are there any left?

-Just the one.

-Just one?

-Yeah.

How windproof do you think this is?

-Not very.

-No.

Now, behold the gold curtain.

OK, let's go.

-How are we doing?

-There's a few left.

-So it's a bit better.

-Yeah.

Time now for the posh red velvet.

And now, Parysa will do her famous impression of a chicken.

Bawk-bawk-bawk!

-How did we do there?

-A lot better.

-It was much better, wasn't it?

-Di.

Maybe red velvet's the way to go.

-It's letting a bit of air in though, isn't it?

-Yes.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

It's the tractor inner tube. Let's see if it lets any air through.

-How we doing, Parysa?

-Brilliant. Didn't let any air through.

-None at all?

-No.

-Di.

-Great, we'll use this, then.

We'll use the tractor inner tube for our hovercraft.

It's made of rubber. Let's get building.

-And let's all wear hats!

-Er, noss.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Look at this! It's got a windproof curtain,

-a fan to divert air down into it so it hovers.

-Di.

And it's got a bubble machine. It's fantastic.

Except it doesn't have a gunge-squirter

and it doesn't look like a robin.

All right, Little Miss Picky. We'll put all those annoying bits,

I mean, those essential bits, on later.

The important thing's to get it hovering, isn't it? So hop on.

This is the fan. It'll blow the air into the curtain to make it hover,

and we've the bubble machines on the back.

-Are you ready to go hovering?

-Yeah!

-Let's get hovering!

-OK, that's the fan.

-Di.

-Watch this. Look, Parysa, look. Bubbles!

-Wow!

-And it's hovering as well.

-Yeah.

Let's take this outside to the water.

It's not moving. It's hovering, but it's not moving.

-What?

-It's not moving.

-Oh.

Oh, look over there!

-It moved.

-Di!

-You made it move!

-I did not do that.

-Yes, you did.

All right, all right.

If you want it to move...

-we'll put some wheels on it.

-Di.

But how are they going to touch the ground if it's hovering?

Maybe you could have a non-moving Bubble Bobbin Robin?

It's not really a Bubble Bobbin Robin if it doesn't move.

At least, that's what Seymour will say.

Yeah, you're right.

If we can't get this moving, then Seymour's going to find out

and everyone will laugh at us and we'll lose our jobs.

Worst of all, your mum said she was going to make us some cake

-and it never materialised.

-Di, minah cakka.

-That's the biggest problem here. We needed cake.

-Can't we just...?

-No, get us cake. Cake!

-Cakka!

Cake!

Oh, and here's another one.

Where's it going?

Hooray! Good times.

What's that divine smell?

What you doing? You're not supposed to be playing Pop the Balloon.

You're supposed to be working on the Bubble Bobbin Robin

while I made a cake with my mum.

-Yeah, we have been.

-Oh, di.

-We've been thinking.

We should stop asking for advice from shop assistants and goldfish,

-and ask a top scientist, one of the best in the world.

-Donar Destrolos.

-No, not Dr Destruction.

-Da?

He's that evil man you met on holiday in Magaluf.

-Heesa losserly mutty.

-He's not a lovely man.

-Losserly mutty!

He wants to destroy the world.

-Eh groh dandas.

-Whether he's a great dancer or not is irrelevant.

-Eh boolala sortie.

-Yes, he's a brilliant scientist.

He's also wanted by the police in 14 countries.

He's always trying to build evil contraptions of doom.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I know he's the only top scientist we know.

What would Seymour think

if he found out I'd been ringing up an evil villain?

Well, don't worry. I'll call him.

PHONE BEEPS

Hello? Dr Destruction, deliverer of doom!

-He sounds really scary.

-I told you.

Hello, Dr Destruction. It's Ed Petrie here, a friend of Oucho's.

Who?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You won a dance competition with him in Magaluf?

Ah, yes! Oucho. I remember.

Magaluf, Magaluf!

You see, we're trying to build this machine

called the Bubble Bobbin Robin.

It's supposed to hover and blow bubbles and squirt gunge.

The only thing is we can't make it move forward.

Ah, you are building the Bubble Bobbin Robin of Destruction?

No, it's not supposed to destroy anything.

If you want your vehicle of destruction to move,

-you need to apply a force to it. Preferably evil.

-A force? Of what?

When you apply a force to a vehicle of destruction,

you are basically giving it a push.

You will need something to push it along,

but as this vehicle of destruction is hovering,

you will need to push it with air.

-Push it with air? How do we do that?

-It's very simple.

When the fan blows molecules of air, it pushes them all together.

We've already got a fan.

It fills up the curtain underneath and makes it hover.

You need to push some air out of the back of the vehicle of destruction.

When the molecules push back,

they will push the vehicle of destruction forward.

OK, so what we need is one fan blowing down into the curtain,

and another fan blowing out the back to push it forward?

Not necessarily. You can use one fan and divert the air.

Send most of the air down into the curtain

to make your vehicle of destruction hover,

and divert the rest of the air out of the back.

-Oh, right.

-And this fan will also distribute the toxic gas.

No, there's no toxic gas. It shoots bubbles and gunge.

Ah, bubbles of toxic gas, and acid gunge.

You are worse than me!

No, just normal bubbles and gunge.

You will need my help, yes, in the destruction of the world?

Yes, yes, the destruction of the world. I mean, no.

You've been very helpful, thank you.

-It's a good job Seymour Scandal didn't hear that phone call.

-Di.

Imagine if he heard me talking about vehicles of destruction

with a psychotic criminal scientist.

I know you're there, Seymour.

-Interesting call!

-That phone call was to my mum, actually.

Not an evil scientist, so ha-ha-ha-ha.

Oh, really?

-You bugged my phone.

-Oh, noss.

-Let's listen, shall we?

'So a fan will propel my vehicle of destruction...?'

'You will need my help, yes, in the destruction of the world?'

'Yes, yes, the destruction of the world...'

That's not what it sounds like.

Sounds to me like an interesting conversation

with the world's most wanted evil scientist.

Yes, I think I've got what I want. You, cover up the wart on my bottom.

I haven't sat down for weeks.

And carry me back to the car, I'm tired.

Oh, you're fired!

Stupid, stupid Seymour!

-What a nasty man.

-I hate him.

Did Dr Destruction tell you what we need?

Oh, him? Oh yes, it's simple.

We can do this, people. Let's go.

# This week we found ourselves under investigation

# Seymour was out to trash our good reputation

# An easy invention was what we were after

# I chose a hovercraft, cue Seymour's laughter

# Started to wonder, was it even worth bothering?

# When Benson told us about fans and hovering

# We got a fan from the van, stuck it to some wood

# It wasn't that surprising when it turned out to be no good

# Fans, molecules

# A cushion of air

# Why wasn't ours working? It's not fair

Ole!

# But Seymour had unwittingly mentioned a curtain

# Exactly how it worked, well, none of us was certain

# Danielle filled us in, she's bright and no mistake

# A curtain was needed so the air wouldn't escape

# Set up a test Which material would do it?

# Rubber was the one that didn't let air through it

# The Bubble Bobbin hovered We're on the right track

# Dr Destruction said, divert some air to steer it out the back

# Fans, hovering

# Who could ask for more?

# Here's hoping we've cracked it

-# In your face, Seymour. #

-Ole!

So, let's see how useless Ed Petrie and Oucho are.

They've tried to make a Bubble Bobbin Robin,

but have forgotten one vital thing.

What did we forget?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-We must have forgotten something. He's really happy.

-I don't noss.

-We'll have to find out the hard way.

-Di.

Right. Parysa asked us to build her a Bubble Bobbin Robin,

-a vehicle that could hover over land and water.

-Di.

She wanted to blow bubbles and squirt gunge,

and most importantly of all,

she wanted a cup-holder so she could sip lemonade.

-Are you thirsty, Parysa?

-Yeah.

Right. Get out of my way. Let's get this out on the lake.

Drive!

Break down!

-It works!

-Oh, di!

Well done, you drove it so well.

Are you all right, Seymour? You seem a bit down in the dumps.

How come that worked?

You forgot about the wheels.

-Whee?

-Wheels?

On a hovercraft?

The clue's in the name, Seymour. What an idiot!

PHONE RINGS

Da bow.

Hello? ..It's the Big, Big Cheese.

Oh, it's for you.

Hello?

Well, actually, it worked.

I know I said it wouldn't, but we've still got a programme.

We've got the Peepee Petrie story and the Dr Destruction tapes.

What? You're cancelling the programme?

But Ed and Oucho are rubbish...!

Hello? Hello?

-Hmm!

-Oh, well, you've won this time.

But I know you're rubbish, and soon so shall the whole world.

-To be honest, most of them have probably worked it out by now.

-Di.

Get out of my way. All of you, you're fired! Shoo!

Ha ha ha, di.

So, Parysa, do you like your Bubble Bobbin Robin?

-Yes, it's brilliant.

-Di.

Well done, mate. High five.

Ow! I've got to stop doing that.

Mate, listen to this.

"Unfortunately, one of TV's most popular programmes,

"Seymour Scandal Investigates,

-"has been dramatically dropped from the schedules."

-Oh, doss.

"Seymour Scandal's given up his television career due to warts,

"and is now living in a shoebox, rocking back and forth screaming,

"'I hate Ed and Oucho.' And in tonight's TV highlights,

-"Bill Oddie does the tango with a bald eagle."

-Ooh!

TV's getting more and more ridiculous.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, I'd forgotten you sent your ideas to the Controller of BBC One.

I'm not sure the world is ready

for cactus-wrestling from the Philippines.