High Hydra Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions

# We've got a television show of our own

# Making stuff that's been designed by you lot at home

# Building your inventions the best that we can

# Mostly out of rubbish from the back of our van

# We've even got a title that will grab your attention

# Altogether now...

# Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions. #

Oi!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I need this sandwich.

I need the energy for looking at the inventions.

And it's going to be lovely and delicious.

Oh, yum, yum, yum, lovely sandwich.

Right, what have you done with it? How did you do that?

-No, no, no, no, no!

-Smoke?

-Mirrors? Trapdoor or something?

-No!

-I want my sandwich!

-I didn't do it!

SQUEAKING Oh! Oh!

Aargh! That was a mouse.

That was a mouse, we've got vermin. Look, we've got mice.

They've eaten my sandwich. Oh, no, cake.

Ah, caka!

Aargh!

OH-H!

Aargh!

There are about 5 million trillion mice in there as well!

OUCHO LAUGHS And they've eaten all the cake!

-Cakas?

-Yes.

-Nos!

-Yes, it's not so funny now, is it?

Let's have a look at the inventions.

There's bound to be something to scare mice... This could be a goer.

The High Hydra from Joe in Manchester.

It's a snake-headed vehicle with a chair that raises up

and it shoots jelly out of its tail.

Mmm, jellog!

-Yeah, that should sort out our mouse infestation, shouldn't it?

-De.

Right! To Mousechester!

I mean Manchester.

Trust us to choose a boy who loves Peter Pan.

-You do look lovely as a fairy.

-I look lovely as a fairy?

Actually, you're not the first person to say that. When I was a child...

-Aargh!

-Hi, Ed.

Hi, Oucho. Ed, you scream like a girl.

No, no, I do not. What's that? What's that?

Ah, you've found my toy snake.

Why are you dressed as the Christmas fairy?

No, I'm dressed as Tinkerbell and he's Peter Pan

-in your favourite book.

-My favourite book's Harry Potter.

-Ha-ha-ha!

-You just wanted to see me dressed as a fairy, didn't you?!

-Di!

Oh, hilarious. Oh yes.

-Can we come in?

-Yeah, sure, follow me.

-You first.

-Ow!

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE LOUDLY

So, Joe, we are here to make your High Hydra,

your mouse-scaring machine.

I mean your snake-headed lifting machine.

-But Ed, you're scared of snakes.

-Me?

No, no, no. No, no. I'm fearless.

Manly and fearless. Anyway, let's find out about your invention.

Stick that on, will you?

OK, tell me why you want to invent the High Hydra?

I want to invent the High Hydra, a four-headed snake with a chairlift

and a jelly squirter so I can spy on my friends and play tricks on them.

In each snake head there is a rope, a padlock, some lemonade

and a pair of binoculars.

I can use the High Hydra to lift myself up

so I can use the binoculars to spy on my friends.

Then I can play a trick on them with the rope

and squirt them with the jelly cannon.

OK. Right. I've written all that down.

One other question, very important.

We have to ask everybody. Do you have any cake?

Yes, sure, I gave it to Oucho.

Oh, give us some. HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

OUCHO BURPS

# Ed and Oucho's excellent inventions. #

Done it!

You've written all 750 flyers, have you?

-Di.

-Good.

Someone out there must have some old toy snakes they don't need.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, you're exhausted, are you? Yeah, well, you've had your cake.

The sooner we build this High Hydra,

the sooner we can get rid of the mice.

All we need to do is find out how to build a lifting machine

and get hold of some giant snakeheads.

Luckily, I am wearing my thinking slippers.

OUCHO LAUGHS

-Mink! Mink!

-They're not pink, they are cherry blossom.

-Mink!

-I'm just here to make you laugh, aren't I?

-Di.

Well, these slippers are helping me to come up with some great ideas.

When we hand out the fliers,

we can ask who knows how to build a lifting machine.

Can you build a lifting machine?

Do you know how to build a lifting machine?

-How would you build a lifting machine to lift things up?

-What do you mean?

-What?

-To lift things up.

How would you build it?

-How would I build it?

-By blocks.

On two pieces of wood with a...with a winder.

-Blocks? What would you do with them?

-Stack them up.

-Stack up some blocks?

-I'd pick them up.

-You'd pick them up?

-Yeah.

If you've got the parts, you can build it. You need the parts.

The parts?

No idea.

Not the most helpful suggestion, but thanks anyway.

I'll get exhausted if I do that.

Thanks anyway. Bye.

Oh! There's Marcel Le Shush, the famous mime artist.

I'm going to go and ask him.

Hi, Marcel, we're trying to build this machine that can lift up a boy.

Do you know anything about raising heavy things?

Ah, great.

I need that?

What is it?

Er, it's a space hopper.

Oh, no, it's a dog. Just tell me in words! I know you can speak!

It's not a ramp, is it?

That looked nothing like a ramp.

If I push something up a ramp, it's easier than raising it straight up?

Why is that?

Because the ramp has arms.

Because the ramp does Russian dancing?

Oh, the ramp is longer than it is high,

so it needs less force to lift something. Oh, right, I get it!

You see, if I raise something straight up,

I need a lot of force and I need to be very strong.

But if I had a ramp, because it's longer,

the force I'd need is spread over a bigger distance,

so although I need to push it for longer,

I wouldn't need so much strength.

Thanks, Marcel.

Although it would have been quicker if you'd just told me.

Yeah, OK. Bye then.

OUCHO ASKS A QUESTION IN CACTINIAN

The reason we are at my granny's house is because my granny

-has a chair on a ramp which is exactly what we need.

-Oh!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Nah, granny doesn't need this.

She only uses it to carry her body building weights up to the bedroom.

Isn't that right, Granny?

Then look no further than my Billy Drillbit's Serious Jacklifts.

And remember my motto, cowboys.

Doing it without Billy is just darn silly!

-Come on, let's start building this High Hydra.

-Ah, di.

# Ed and Oucho's excellent inventions! #

Joe!

-Hi, Ed.

-Joe, I think that's a cake in your hands, isn't it?

-Yeah.

Oh, brilliant. It's a chocolate one as well, I love it. Give it here.

Oh, it smells divine.

I think I have got my cake-eating fork on me.

I always carry my special cake-eating fork in my toolbox.

Yes, cake me up!

SQUEAKING

No!

NO!

Oh, I hate mice!

-Ed, don't worry, my dad will make another for you.

-Thanks, thanks.

I was having such a good day as well, because we finished your High Hydra.

-Did you?

-Yeah, do you want to see it?

-Yeah!

-I said, do you want to see it?

-Yes!

-I said do you want to see it, Joe?

Ed, just let me see it!

Yeah, because it is amazing.

-Look at this!

-Ta-daaa!

That's it?

What do you mean, "That's it"?

This is it, yes, and it's pretty good. You wanted a chairlift.

Yeah, but it's a granny's chairlift.

It's not. It's definitely not that. It's carpeted as well.

I didn't want carpet. And what about the snakes?

Yes, these are the lovely snakes.

Hello, I'm Sydney the Snake!

For a start they're socks, and then they smell. They stink.

OK, they are socks, but they're my socks, so don't be so rude.

Yeah, but I don't see any caterpillar tracks.

Caterpillar tracks are quite expensive.

There is a credit crunch, you know. I have got some wheels, though.

These will be great. Just lift that up.

Because...it's not heavy at all.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

It's not a disaster. Stop saying it's a disaster, it's not a disaster.

It's clearly not a disaster. OUCHO IS INSISTENT

All right, it is a disaster.

-Di.

-And the mice keep eating everything.

Oh, this day just gets better and better.

Come on, let's go and pick them up.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

It's not creepy in here.

There is nothing behind that tree.

It's...

A snake!

Aargh! Ah! Ah! Ah!

Ed, calm down, calm down!

It's a Burmese python. It's not venomous, it constricts its prey.

Oh, Ed... Bill Oddie!

It's not Bill Oddie. It's Steve Backshall, the wildlife guy off CBBC.

Ed, is this your flyer?

Er, No. Yes. No, yes.

-Why?

-Well, it says here, "Cakes given for giant snakes".

I've got three giant snakes for you, so where's my cakes?

We didn't want real snakes.

It says giant snakes wanted.

And a fully grown Burmese python

can get to be as long as five ten-year-old boys.

-Come on! Where's me cakes?

-Well, you've only got one snake.

-The other two are off hunting.

-They've escaped?!

Well, when they get hungry they go off and look for food.

That's why they're deadly.

-Lift me up into this tree, please!

-Don't be ridiculous.

It would take an animal as powerful as a leopard to drag you up there.

Well, without a jack lift.

Who's Jack Lift?

Oh, there's one of my other pythons. Will you just told this one for me?

No! No!

Frost. Jack About Town. Jack The Lad.

Ah, Jack Lift!

Er, hello. Is that Jack Lift?

Hi, it's Ed Petrie.

Do you know about lifting things up?

PHONE IS HUNG UP Hello? Hello?

He's hung up.

Why don't you try again and say Steve Backshall told you to call?

Yes, good idea.

Hello, it's me again.

The reason I'm phoning is because Steve Backshall said to call.

You've probably seen him on the telly. Massive python.

PHONE IS HUNG UP AGAIN Hello? Hello?

Why does he keep hanging up?

He definitely said to call him.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I think calling him a lying naturalist is going a bit far.

Well, who else do we know, then?

Who else knows about lifting things up?

OUCHO MAKES A SUGGESTION IN CACTINIAN

-I suppose I could phone that cowboy builder that my gran likes.

-do.

OK, we've got a plan. You, find the Billy Drillbit screwdriver

that has got his phone number on it.

I think it's in the back of the van. You, get some cake.

OK.

Me, find out about lifting machines.

Oh, all right, then.

Yee-ha! Well, Howdy partner!

Billy Drillbit here, the fastest cowboy builder in the West.

Hello, Billy. It's Ed Petrie. We wondered if you might be to help us.

We want to find out about lifting things up and we saw your advert.

Lifting things up, you say? Well, you're right, partner.

-I'm your cowboy.

-Oh, great.

I was starting to wonder if the only person who could help was Jack Lift

-and I can't find him anywhere.

-Jack Lift? Of course you can't find him,

you lily-livered, cattle-rustling coward.

-How do you know I'm lily-livered?

-Jack Lift ain't no cowboy.

If you want a lift something heavy, you need to GET a jack lift.

They lift heavy things

with a special lifting screw called a lead screw.

Wait, wait, wait. How can a screw lift things up? Doesn't it just turn?

You are as dumb as cattle, cowboy.

But since I'm in a good mood, I'm going to tell you.

-You know a ramp, like one that cattle goes up?

-Yeah.

Well, a screw is just a ramp that goes round and round.

So a screw is like a ramp?

Well, of course it is, boy.

Look at a screw closely and you will see a ramp going round and round

like a Mustang in a rodeo ring.

Oh, yeah, I see.

A screw allows you to move heavy things easier

by turning them round the ramp on the screw.

So a jack lift has a screw in it, to make it move and able to lift things?

So where do I get one?

Got a heavy load to move?

All the rest of the boys out driving cattle?

Then you'll need my Billy Drillbit Serious Jacklift.

And remember my motto, cowboys.

Doing it without Billy is just darn silly!

Right. Do you do express delivery?

Uh-huh, sure do.

Yee-ha!

Great. Thanks.

Ah, look at that.

See, it's all coming together.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You don't like tea without cake?

Well, we all want cake, don't we?

Ah, mink cakas.

Pink cake?

Oh, lovely cherry blossom cake.

And it's mine.

It's mine. It's all mine! OUCHO PROTESTS

The cake's mine. It's mine.

Hi, Ed. Hi, Oucho. Ed, why are you eating your feet?

We're supposed to be getting on with the High Hydra.

Oh, we were just a bit hungry.

-Is that a cake?

-Yeah!

Oh, at last! Cake!

Aaargh, mice!

Ah! Go away!

Go away, you disgusting things.

Sorry, Ed.

It's all right, I just need a moment to collect myself.

Come on, pull yourself together.

-We're meant to be building the High Hydra.

-Yes, yes, you're right.

Let's forget all about mice and feet that look like cakes.

Let's get on with the reason we're supposed to be here.

So what do you think of the High Hydra now, Joe?

Well, it's OK, but it looks a bit old.

It looks a bit old. Why does it look a bit old?

-That cushion!

-Oh, it's '70s retro, I can change it, anyway.

The cushion is the least of our worries.

I think it's looking pretty good.

Hop on. Now this is the bit you are going to like.

You can get up there and spy on your friends, you see.

-Is it actually moving?

-Of course it's moving, yeah.

I can get a ruler, Professor, if you're that worried about it.

-It's incredibly slow.

-You didn't say you wanted it fast.

-In fact, you said you wanted slow and steady.

-No, I didn't.

You did, you said slow and steady.

-Do you want it to be unsteady?

-No.

-Unsteady and unsafe?

-No.

Well, this is a very good speed.

-What would your parents say if you were whipping up and down?

-Ed!

-What?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN I AM keeping turning.

It does take a while, doesn't it?

But it's fine. We'll get you up there in no time. Right.

That's fine.

All right, all right, it is too slow.

Are you happy now? How are we going to make it go faster?

I'm not sure.

OK, guys. Thinking hats on.

I don't know what we doing wrong, Joe.

A jack lift can lift really heavy things and you're not that heavy,

so it should lift you quickly and easily.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-It's the wrong screw?

-Di.

-Oh, really?

All of a sudden you know more about screws than Billy Drillbit?

CACTINIAN

Who cares if you once had lovely long golden hair?

CACTINIAN

Rapunzel!

I mean, Rapoucho! Rapoucho!

Let down your hair and all that.

-Why?

-Why?!

So why can climb up your fair locks and shower you with gifts, innit?

OUCHO PROTESTS IN CACTINIAN

No, I'm not too fat and heavy.

I'm lean and muscular and worthy of your fair hand, treacle.

CACTINIAN

Why don't I use a jack lift?

Who's this Jack Lift geezer?

I challenge him to a duel.

OUCHO EXPLAINS

Oh, a jack lift to raise me up?

-Di.

-Well, don't I need a lead screw for that?

Where am I going to get one?

CACTINIAN

Ow!

You stupid ... I mean, thank you, my darling.

Be with you in a jiffy.

All right.

CACTINIAN

-Have I got your bananas?

-Di.

No.

Ah! Ah-h!

So you were Rapunzel, I mean, Rapoucho, and you got the Prince

-into the tower because you told him to use a jack lift?

-Di.

-Really?

That whole story was a lie, wasn't it, Oucho?

-Di.

-HE LAUGHS

Yes, well let's stop this silliness.

We need to find a way to make this jack lift faster.

Maybe it needs a different lead screw.

Yeah, that might work, but what sort?

Bigger, smaller, fatter, thinner?

I can't think straight without cake.

Cakas! Oh, losserly mink cakas!

A pink cake? Where?

No, stop, stop, stop. We've been through all this.

I'm fed up with these. I can't concentrate without cake.

Why don't you go to the market?

I'm sure there'll be a cake stall there.

Ssh, Joe, I am thinking.

Hang on, why don't we go down to the market?

There's bound to be a cake stall there. Come on, Oucho.

# Ed and Oucho's excellent inventions. #

-Ah, here we go.

-Cakas, cakas!

-Rakes?

Stakes? Brakes?

Cakas, cakas.

Cornflakes? I can't see any cakes.

-Excuse me, excuse me. Have you got any cakes?

-Yes, I do.

Oh, thank goodness.

-But they're fakes.

-Fakes?

Fake cakes? No, we want real cakes.

This is a matter of some urgency.

Like...earthquakes.

Oh, that sounds serious. I might shake.

Come on, let's get out of here. This is all getting a bit weird.

Oh, hang on.

I think I know where we might be able to find some snakes.

Well, Joe, that was a rather successful trip.

CACTINIAN

What do you mean it was a waste of time?

HE REPLIES IN CACTINIAN

-No, we didn't get any cakes, but we did get some snakes.

-Brilliant.

CACTINIAN

Oh, no. Hold it, cowboy.

The High Hydra is not finished.

We need to work out how to make those jack lifts work properly.

-I'll have to ring that overly loud cowboy again.

-Yee-ha!

ED DIALS

PHONE RINGS

Yee-ee-ha! Howdy, partner.

Billy Drillbit here. The fastest cowboy builder in the West.

Oh, hi, Billy. It's Ed again.

Ah, the lily-livered one.

I remember. Well, you'd better make it quick, boy.

I'm about to finish my bacon and beans.

Well, we got your jack lift - thanks -

but we were just wondering how we could make it faster.

Not fast enough for you, huh?

Well, I can help you with that.

You need a lead screw with a different thread.

Thread? Like the stuff you sew with?

No, you doggone crazy bullfrog,

the ramp bit on a screw is called the thread.

Oh...oh right.

You use different screw threads to raise different weights.

Some screws have longer threads and some have shorter threads

and they move at different speeds.

Well, how will I know which one moves the fastest?

Well, you have to test them to find out.

So I suppose what I need is a screw-thread testing machine?

You sure do, partner.

Need to raise a load, but your doggone jack lift is too slow?

Then you need a Billy Drillbit lead-screw testing machine.

It does everything from lifting to testing.

And remember my motto, cowboys.

Doing it without Billy is just darn silly!

Er, great.

Could you deliver that too?

We'll be home all afternoon.

# Ed and Oucho's excellent inventions. #

What we're trying to find out is whether the screw

with the short, medium or long thread lifts the fastest.

All these cowboys are sitting on lead screws

that are the same length, but they've got different threads.

That's the short one.

That's the medium one.

-And that's the long one.

-Oh, yeah.

-So you see the ramp's longer.

It's really compact.

When I operate the jack lift, the cowboys will raise up,

and you'll know they've reached the top when they hit these hats

-and gunk comes out.

-Yeah.

Joe, take the stopwatch and stand in front of the hats.

-Oucho, you take the time.

-OK.

I am going to crank the handle. Let's find out which is the fastest.

-Go!

-OK, long one first. This is the long one.

-Five seconds.

-OK.

Five seconds. OK, medium one now.

OK, here we go!

-How long was that?

-Four seconds.

-Joe, are you ready?

-Yeah.

-OK, short thread now.

-Go!

-You all right?

-Yeah!

-You sure you're all right?

You look like you've had a bit of an accident. How long?

How long was it?

-About a second.

-One second?

That's the quickest one, isn't it? So what have we learned, Joe?

That the screw with the shorter thread can lift faster

than the screw with the longer thread.

That's right. So what we need is a big lead screw with a short thread.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You've got one? In the back of the van?

Why didn't you tell us? It would have saved a lot of time.

You haven't got a motor as well? Cranking that handle gets tiring.

CACTINIAN In the back of the van. Great.

We can finish off our mouse-scaring machine, I mean, Joe's High Hydra.

Oh, I love screw threads!

# This week we were faced with a massive frustration

# We were hoping Joe's High Hydra would be our salvation

# With its four snakes' heads it's a lifting device

# It would not only look cool but it might scare away the mice

# Marcel showed us how to raise things through the power of mime

# He could have just told us it would have taken half the time

# Spread the force, use a ramp That's what he's trying to say

# So I borrowed Granny's stair lift We were on our way!

# Ramps of course for lifting straight up

# Ramps spread the force

# You don't have to push hard just a little bit longer

# We showed Joe what we'd done but we made a few mistakes

# It was far to big to move and we'd used socks as snakes

# Whilst escaping from a massive python, like you do

# Steve casually mentioned jack lift and lead screw

# Billy says the screws in the ramp just go round and round

# But the one we tried took far too long to get Joe off the ground

# We tested different leads just to see what they could do

# We found which thread was best and covered Joe in glue

# Screws, threads, we've got everything we need

# We've even got snakes

# Screws, threads, get rid of these mice, we can eat some cakes! #

Well, it took some doing but I think we've done it.

-All we need now is Joe.

-Di.

Oh!

Are you excited about your High Hydra, Joe?

I'm this excited!

Joe asked us to build him a High Hydra, a snake-headed vehicle

with a chair that could lift him up and a jelly-shooting tail.

-Shall we show everyone at home?

-Yes.

-Here it is!

-No, not really! Do you think we fooled them?

-No, not really.

No, no. Probably not. No. Here it is!

-So, Joe, you want to to play a trick on your friends?

-Yes.

-What's the score?

-Well, I'm going to challenge them to a tug of war

and then trick them with my trick rope.

When they're pulling the rope,

-he's going to release it so they fall over.

-And then it's jelly time.

-He's going to squirt them with a fully loaded jelly cannon.

-Ha, ha!

-OK. Good luck, mate. Off you go.

-OK.

-Things going according to plan?

-Mmm.

Wow!

-What's this, Joe?

-This is my invention.

-What does it do?

-Well, I've got me binoculars here.

-Cool.

-That's my lemonade...

What's the rope for?

Oh, the rope. It's for playing a game of tug of war.

-Do you want a game?

-Yes.

Yes, cool!

Bring it on!

No!

Jelly time!

-Nice work. Good shot.

-Di.

CHILDREN SCREAM

-That was fantastic, Joe.

-Oh, yes.

You can have some of this now.

-Oh, thanks.

-What was the best bit?

Well, the jelly can definitely had the best reaction.

They all screamed like girls.

Well, to be fair, some of them were girls.

-Yes, a bit like you, really, with them mice.

-Ha-ha-ha!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN Yes, Very funny.

Talking of mice, we need to borrow this for half an hour

and scare them off from our van.

-I don't think you need to.

-Really? Why not?

Me and my dad were delivering a cake to your van

and when we went in, there was no mice around.

-It was really strange.

-What, they've gone?

-Yes.

-Did you say there's a cake in the van?

-Yes.

-There's cake in the van!

-Cakas!

-Bye, Joe!

-Bye!

Oh, I love cakas.

Mmm. I love cake as well.

I can't believe we went to all that trouble

and then those mice just disappeared.

-Mmm.

-It was very mysterious.

What makes thousands of mice disappear?

-Very strange. Very strange.

-Di.

Pass me some more cake from the back, Oucho.

I'm not in the back.

Oh, you're right next to me.

-Who can I hear in the back then?

-Hm?

Er...Barney Harwood?

No, not Barney Harwood. I told him what would happen

if I caught him sleeping in this van again.

HISSING It sounds like...

snakes! Agh!

-Agh!

-Agh!