Hydro-Bike Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions

# We've got a television show of our own

# Making stuff that's been designed by you lot at home

# Building your inventions the best that we can

# Mostly out of rubbish from the back of our van

# We've even got a title that will grab your attention

# Altogether now, Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions! #

You are a naughty, naughty little cactus!

Ah?

Cake bills?

Banana bills?

And this!

-A "prickle polish" from a beauty salon?

-Wha.

And all we've got to pay for it

is some sweet wrappers, some nutshells, and about 8p.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

No, we're not rich! Most of this isn't even currency.

We're in serious trouble here, serious financial trouble.

We need to think our way out of this.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, yes. Yes, yes, yes.

We just draw our own money.

Of course! Yes, that worked so well last time...

Get out of my shop!

..Oh, oh, no. It didn't.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Why don't I get a second job?

Let's have a look at the job pages in the newspaper.

Look at this one. Science teacher.

Imagine that. What do I know about science?

Just this last one, then.

Paperboy in the marina.

Actually, I've got something that might give me an edge in that job.

Yeah, yeah, this! It's called the hydro-bike.

It's from Aidan in Newcastle. It's a bike that runs on land and water.

-They would love that!

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, yeah, you're right, mate. To Aidan in Newcastle!

Aidan is at school right now, so we're going to surprise him here

and tell him we're going to make his hydro-bike.

-Great. Hi there. It's Ed and Oucho here.

-Yes, I know why you're here.

-Oh, oh, do you?

-And you're early. That's a very good start.

-Please come in.

-Oh, great.

I wish everyone was so pleased to see us.

A lovely man. What a lovely man.

A lovely man.

-Just point us in the right direction.

-Oh, that's very keen.

-You'll need your equipment.

-We don't normally have equipment.

There's your mop, I see you've brought your own toilet brush.

-He's not a toilet brush.

-If you'd like to make a start

-over there, and keep your toilet brush quiet.

-Oi!

I can't believe he thinks we're cleaners.

I don't know what we're going to do.

-We've just got to concentrate on surprising Aidan.

-Aidan? That's me.

Are you here to make my hydro-bike?

-Surprise!

-You're Aidan?

-Yeah.

-Surprise!

It's not a surprise, is it? Come on, let's get out of this stuff.

Thank goodness we escaped cleaning. Toilet brush indeed!

-He's more like a scrubbing brush.

-Oi!

-Mr Cork likes the school really clean.

-Oh, the fussy sort?

I know the type. We don't want to talk about that.

We want to talk about your hydro-bike! We love it.

So if you could just put on the brainstorm helmet,

we can find out a bit more about it.

I want to invent the hydro-bike because it would be really cool

to cycle on land and then ride straight onto water.

It would be pirate-themed and have a telescope attached.

I'd like my brother Sol to ride it with me.

Pirates. One more thing. I was just thinking that maybe

I could borrow it occasionally to use on a paper round?

-Yeah, whatever.

-Great.

It'll be perfect for my second job so I can pay off our debts.

I mean, perfect to make your piratey, bikey dreams come true.

Come on, let's get out of here before the headmaster finds us.

Oi, you, come back! You haven't cleaned the toilets yet.

That was close.

Luckily, headteachers aren't known for their athleticism.

That was nice of Aidan, to say I could borrow his hydro-bike.

I'm going to get that job, and all our money problems will be solved.

-But Ed!

-No "but Eds", that's it.

No more problems. No negative thinking.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh. We don't actually know how to build the hydro-bike.

We need to find somebody who knows about water.

Who's going to know? Benson? What, Benson the goldfish?

Yeah, but he's only helpful for a couple of minutes.

Needs must, I suppose.

Oi, Benson.

Yeah, man, can't you see that I'm chilling?

Sorry. I need to talk to you about how things float.

We're trying to make this bike that can go on land and water,

-and carry two boys.

-How things float, you say?

Oh, yeah, man, of course I do. Things float by using buoyancy.

Buoyancy is the upward force that keeps things afloat.

Oh, buoyancy! We know a bit about this. Carry on.

Look...

Imagine putting something in some water.

The object will move a certain amount of water out of the way.

If that thing weighs less than the amount it's moved, it'll float.

That's right. So the bike needs to be lighter than the amount

-of water it moves out of the way.

-Yeah, man, spot on.

And remember, man, the hydro bike will have two boys on it,

so that will make it heavier. But as long as it's still lighter

than the amount of water it moves, it'll float.

-Great. Now I know about buoyancy.

-Buoyancy?

What are you talking about, man? And who are you?

Forgotten. Typical goldfish. Oh, well, we've got all we needed.

Let's have a root around and find some stuff for this hydro-bike.

Hey, look what I got for free!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You've got stuff for free as well? Oh, floats! They can come in handy.

Where did you get them?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, right. You probably shouldn't have done that.

Never mind, we've got them now. I got this from a bike shop.

-I think they were won over by my dazzling smile.

-Ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, all right, nobody wanted it cos it's got a rubbish bell.

Still, I think we've got everything we need to make this hydro-bike.

I'm going to stop at nothing to get this paperboy job!

Are you sure we've got enough floats on this thing?

Remember, this has got to take the weight

of Aidan and his brother Sol.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, well, I guess we'll find out if it's fine, won't we?

So, Aidan. Ta-da!

Your hydro-bike.

-What do you think?

-It looks like a pile of scrap from a tip to me.

Ha! No, it's not. Why would you say that?

That seat's been Sellotaped on, and that flag is really tacky.

You wanted two seats, didn't you? You got two seats.

Before I let you ride on this, having the time of your life,

-let's just check a few things. Have we got some water?

-Check!

-Definitely got that. Can you swim?

-Check.

Good, good. Have we got some safety bloke in case something went wrong?

-Check!

-Excellent, excellent. Well, let's start sailing.

Off you go.

Look at that.

Shall we get him moving around a bit more? That's a good idea. Go around

-in circles!

-I can't move it.

Oh! Oh, that's a good joke, Aidan.

"I can't move it."

Oucho thinks you're funny, Aidan. Go on, seriously, start moving now.

I can't move, seriously.

What? Oh, no. If this can't move, how am I supposed to use it?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Yes, this is a serious problem.

-And there's no piratey stuff.

I can't believe you forgot the piratey stuff as well.

Come on, let's go and fill that paperboy application out.

Oi, oi!

Hi, guys. How is it going building my hydro-bike?

He's piling the pressure on!

We're just trying to work out what went wrong.

It could float but I couldn't move it.

So, does anybody here know how we can fix it to make it move?

Well, that was useful. Right, who can we ask?

How about someone who knows about things moving in water?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You're right, Rob Bateman.

Yeah, he knows about fish and stuff. I'll go see him.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Take my umbrella?

It's not raining. Why would I want to take my umbrella?

Hello there.

Oh, hello, Ed. What can I do for you?

Come for some fishy facts?

Well, you're in the right place.

Do you know how many salmon you can fit in

the average sized PE changing room?

-No.

-45!

And it still wouldn't smell as bad!

HE CHUCKLES

I didn't know that. Actually I'm here for some information,

but not fish facts, thanks.

Oh, well, your loss.

So why are you here? Or should I haddock a guess?

Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Oh, I see, yes, "haddock" a guess.

And you're fishing. Very good.

We're trying to make a hydro-bike. It needs to run on land and water.

It floats on water but we can't move it. Can you help?

Yes. You need Newton's third law of motion.

Newton's third law of motion?

Right, I'd better write this down.

Newton's third law of motion is this.

For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.

An equal and opposite reaction? What does that mean?

Well, say you're in a boat and you push against the wall.

Your boat would push back in the opposite direction,

making the boat move.

OK. But when Aidan is in the middle of the water there's no wall for him

-to push against.

-Oh, I see.

Well, then you need to push against the water itself.

If he pushes against the water in one direction,

his boat will move in the other.

Oh, that's the opposite reaction that Newton is talking about?

Exactly.

So he needs to find something to push against the water with.

The hydro-bike has got wheels.

-Maybe they can do it?

-No, they won't push against the water very well.

You need to find something that pushes against water better.

-What like?

-Do I have to do everything for you?

No, no, thank you.

Good luck with your hydro pike.

"Hydro pike"?

HE CHUCKLES

Oh, right, I see.

hydro-bike, hydro pike, pike is a fish. Yeah, ha ha.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Well, Rob Bateman was quite helpful.

Why, what did he tell you?

Well, apparently you can fit 45 salmon in

the average sized PE changing room. No, wait, that wasn't it.

He said for every action, there's an equal and opposite reaction.

So to get your hydro-bike moving, we need you pushing against the water.

So we need to find something that can push.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

That's right, what we need is a water pushing testing machine.

This is my water pushing testing machine. Honestly,

it's amazing what you can pick up at a car-boot sale.

The point of this is to find an object

that pushes against water the best. The one that pushes the best

-will push the most water out of this bath.

-Ahh!

Exactly. And that is what we use on the hydro-bike.

I've got loads of different objects here.

-What's that?

-Tennis racket?

Yes. I think that will be good because it hits tennis balls

really fast, so it might be fast in the water.

-What's that?

-A shoe.

-Wow, there's no flies on this boy, is there?

That might be good because runners move really fast, don't they?

And finally, what's that?

A baking tray.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You will like it, it'll be fine. I know you don't like water but it's

all right, I've got that covered. I have it covered!

It's all under control. Look, I've got this!

It's all going to be fine.

There you go, see? We get a bit of peace and quiet as well.

Oh, sorry, what were you saying? Oh, that's right, yeah.

I wasn't listening. Now, Aidan, if you go and stand at the end there,

I'm going to be attaching these objects one by one

to this wheel here.

I need you to catch the water that they throw out and put it into

-the measuring jugs down the front. Think you can do that?

-Yep.

Good. You might need these.

There you go. And you can collect the water in there.

-Are you ready to start testing?

-Yeah.

-Let's go!

-OK, that's all locked on. Are you ready?

-Yeah.

Oh, what?

-How much water is there?

-Not much.

No, not much. OK, might as well pour it in the jugs. Hardly worth it.

-Look at that.

-I didn't even get wet.

You didn't even get wet? This is totally pointless, then.

Let's try the trainer. OK.

That's all locked in.

-How much have we got in there?

-Quite a lot.

That's better, isn't it? The baking tray, then.

-Right, all set. How do you think this is going to go?

-Pretty well.

-I've got a good feeling about this.

-Not for me.

We'll see.

Right, how did we do there?

Pretty well.

You've got significantly more in there.

Pour it all in!

Come on,

get it in there! There's too much!

We can't fit it all in. What have we discovered, Aidan?

That the baking tray works the best.

I think it definitely did.

-One last thing.

-What?

Argh!

Oh, well, I was a bit thirsty after all that exercise.

Lovely(!)

-Hi, Aidan.

-Hi, Ed. Hi, Oucho.

-We were just thinking about your hydro-bike.

-No, you weren't.

You were sipping tea.

There you go again, Aidan, with the jokes.

We were just thinking at least we now know how to get your hydro-bike moving - baking trays.

At least it's something.

Fancy dress shop.

-What?

-I just had a thought.

Oucho, you get building the hydro-bike and I'm going to get some baking trays and pirate stuff.

I know just the place.

I couldn't find any baking trays.

I asked some chefs and they were very unhelpful.

Admittedly, it was lunchtime and they were shouting, "Get out of my restaurant."

Still, I did find these flat pieces of metal. I think they should do the same thing.

And we've got the pirate stuff as well. A-hoy, my hearties!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I haven't found a telescope yet. Still, it's looking great.

Hopefully the hydro-bike will work,

I'll have my paper round and we can pay our debts and be happy,

Aidan will have his bike and be happy and the Big Big Cheese will be happy.

Actually, the Big Big Cheese is never happy, but still... All right, we'll test it.

-Aidan, are you ready to test your hydro-bike?

-Yeah!

Do you understand how it's working?

-Yes.

-Those flat bits of metal at the back will push against the water and you'll move forwards.

What do you think about the pirate stuff?

It's cool, but there's no telescope on it.

You two are obsessed with telescopes. We'll sort that later.

The most important thing is we get this moving, OK?

Three, two, one, go!

Yes, it's working!

Well done, you.

-No, well done, YOU.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Excuse me.

It's OK, Aidan, it works now, so just come back.

-We'll get your brother and it's all sorted.

-No, I can't.

-What?

What? Why can't you come back? Hang on, I know what it is.

Have you done a little eggy poof poof, Aidan?

Don't worry, Oucho is always doing little eggy poof poofs.

-OUCHO FARTS

-You see, it's nothing to be embarrassed about.

Actually, that wasn't so little.

No, I really can't come back!

-It won't steer.

-Go on, do better. Put your back into it!

I can't.

This is terrible.

If we can't steer it, how am I going to deliver papers in the marina?

It's all right, Aidan, we'll sort it out.

PHONE RINGS

Hello.

Hello! It's the newsagents.

Are you ringing about a character reference for Ed Petrie?

You need to talk to Oucho T Cactus, his old boss.

He'll give you all the information you need.

HE SPEAKS CACTINIAN

OK, bye.

What did you do that for?!

You're supposed to be my mate!

Thanks a lot(!)

No, I haven't heard about that job.

I'm hoping that the the newsagent

thought your stupid Cactinian language was a bad phone line.

ED MOCKS OUCHO

Anyway, back to the other major headache.

Aidan's hydro-bike. What went wrong?

Well, it floated OK.

It floats and it moves, but how do we steer it?

How about going to visit Rod Bateman again?

Again?

All right, but I'm taking a face protector this time.

Hello again, Mr Bateman.

Why aren't you biting today, my fishy friends?

Mr Bateman, hello?

Hello, there. How are you getting on with your contraption?

-The hydro-bike.

-The hydro-PIKE, yes.

Ha, ha. Yes, the hydro-pike. You said that before. It still wasn't funny.

We got it moving all right by pushing against the water, but it will only move forwards.

-We can't steer it.

-Rudder.

Sorry, I was only asking.

You need a rudder to steer in the water.

Oh, a rudder. What's that?

It's a flat bit of metal or wood

that moves the water to one side or another

and will make your hydro-bike go in a certain direction.

If the rudder rotates clockwise, it pushes against the flow of water

to the left and the water pushes back to the right.

Excellent, so we can just get a rudder for the hydro-bike?

We could attach it to the handlebars.

Good idea, but it won't steer like a bike does.

-What do you mean?

-On a bike, if you rotate the handlebars

to the right, the front wheel moves to the right and the bike follows.

But because the rudder is at the back,

if the back of the boat moves to the right,

the boat will rotate anti-clockwise and turn to the left.

So if the handlebars are attached to the rudder

and you turn the handle bars to the right, or clockwise,

the rudder rotates clockwise and the hydro-bike will turn to the left.

Hold on a sec. So you move the handlebars to the right

but the hydro-bike turns to the left? How is Aidan going to work that?

You can make it easier by crossing the cables running from the handlebars to the rudder.

Then when you turn right with the handlebars, the hydro-bike

will turn right as well.

Far less confusing for you.

Excellent. Thank you, Mr Bateman.

It's getting a bit hot in here and he hasn't spat on me yet.

No problem Mr Petrie. Any time.

Before you go, do you know how many

cod you can tickle before a policeman has to be called?

-No.

-Nor do I.

HE LAUGHS

-Thank you, Mr Bateman.

-Lovely.

-I've got it! I've got it!

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

No, not the paper boy job. Thanks for reminding me about that.

No, not the money to pay off our debts, no. Thanks for reminding me about that as well(!)

No, I haven't got the telescope for the hydro-bike.

Thanks for reminding me about that as well.

-Have you worked out how to fix my hydro-bike?

-No, no, I... NO, I HAVE, yes!

Rod Bateman told me, actually.

What we need is a rudder.

It'll move the water to one side so we can steer your hydro-bike

-in whatever direction we want.

-Excellent.

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Ed Petrie, TV star and all-round nice guy.

Hello, Mr newsagent.

I've got the job?

Really?!

Oh, I was the only applicant.

I've got to deliver a magazine?

Sailing And Looking Far Away Monthly.

What's the free gift?

A telescope and rudder.

Right, I'll be round to pick them up. Bye.

Looks like I've got the rudder and the telescope sorted.

-Great, can I help you build it?

-Yes, let's do it!

# This week be chose the hydro-bike, yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# To help raise cash as quick as you like,

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# It's a floating pirate bike There are two seats to sit

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# And if I got a job they said I could use it

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# Bateman said buoyancy makes things float

# Remember that next time you're on on a boat

# If an object weighs less than the water it's moved

# That object will float and that we proved

# How to make it move we have no notion

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# Then Rod told us Newton's Third Law of Motion

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo.

# Every action has an equal and opposite reaction

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# Push against the water for satisfaction

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# Tested pushing water without delay What did it best was a baking tray

# Attached metal paddles and some pirate gear

# Now the bike moved but it wouldn't steer

-# Rod said a rudder would help us do it...

-Yodel-ay!

-# Time was running out I was glad to hear it...

-Yodel-ay!

-# You have to steer in the opposite direction...

-Yodel-ay!

# Crossing the cables is a simple correction... #

That will do! # Got the paper round, so we're not broke,

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# Got a free rudder and a telescope, Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# I'm glad this hydro-bike was chosen

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo

# Now I'm having second thoughts about these lederhosen

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo...

# Yodel-ay, yodel-ay, yoo hoo hoo! #

Right, boys, I think we're in business.

-We just need your little brother, Sol.

-ALL: Sol!

All right, Sol?

We've got Sol, we've got Aidan, we've got me,

we've got the reservoir, everything that's important is here.

OUCHO CLEARS THROAT

What? It's not about YOU, you know.

Shall we reveal your invention that

we've been working so hard on, the hydro-bike? Here it is!

THEY LAUGH

You knew that was coming, didn't you?

No, HERE it is!

So, Aidan, what are you going to be doing?

We're going to be cycling on land and then going straight on to the water.

The metal paddles will be pushing against the water and you'll be using the rudders to steer it.

-And using the telescope.

-We're all set, we're ready to go - GO! Go.

Ready? Steady and go...

Go, go!

No, that's a duck. They're over there.

-Hello!

-Can you see us?

Come on, keep pedalling.

Aidan, Sol, that was great.

-How did you think it went?

-Excellently.

Well, it is EXCELLENT inventions. Did you see us through the telescope?

-Yes.

-What was your favourite bit?

-The bit when the water was quite deep and it was going up my trousers.

Up your trousers? I'm sorry about that. I'm sure they'll dry out.

I was just thinking,

one more thing.

Yes, you can use my hydro-bike for your paper round.

Yeah! Sol, get off.

PHONE RINGS

Probably my newsagent boss ringing up to congratulate me.

Hello. Ed Petrie.

Buyer of delicious cakes!

What?

Thanks for the tip-off.

Bye.

It's nothing.

It's just...when I borrowed the hydro-bike

I forgot to take the pirate flag off.

Some people at the marina saw it and got a bit scared.

So they phoned the police and I'm wanted for being a pirate.

It's not funny, this is serious! Where do I hide out?!

I'm not hiding in Terry's house.