Flosserama Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions

# We've got a television show of our own

# Making stuff that's been designed by you lot at home

# Building your inventions the best that we can

# Mostly out of rubbish from the back of our van

# We've even got a title that will grab your attention

# Altogether now Ed & Oucho's Excellent Inventions. #

Ah! Give us moneys!

Ed, what are you doing?

I'm trying to find an invention that makes candy floss.

What? But, Ed, why?

-Well, I read in Mmmm magazine that Fiona Bruce loves candy floss.

-So?

So? So it's Fiona Bruce!

Fiona Bruce!

Everyone knows I love Fiona Bruce.

-What?

-Yeah, yeah, I'm always going on about her.

I really fancy... the idea of working with her.

-Whatevers.

-Who are you playing chess with?

-John.

-John?

-John.

Or, Invisible John's back, is he?

Right, and I guess that you're winning at chess?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Chess champion? Wow, yes...

-Oh dear, oh no!

-Oh, noss!

The board's fallen on the floor. Oh, and so has Invisible John.

Oh, and he's broken both his legs!

John! Oh, no.

Wow, would you believe it? Look, there's a candy floss making machine

from Emilia and Bryony in Oxfordshire.

-It's called the Flosserama, that's great.

-Ha-ha-ha, its pink.

Yes, I know it's pink.

So is candy floss, isn't it? And Fiona Bruce loves the candy floss.

-Oh, pink.

-Come on, let's go.

-What about John?

-Oh, John, yes. Well, Invisible John's all right

-because the invisible ambulance has turned up.

-Phew!

What's that Mr ambulance driver?

You're going to have to cut off both his legs?

No!

Well, here we are outside Emilia and Bryony's dance class.

We are going to go in and tell them they're going to be on TV.

They're going to love this. Come on.

OK, here we go.

Surprise!

THEY LAUGH

Why aren't they wearing tutus?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yes, yes, I think something has gone wrong.

Let's get on with finding out why you want to invent the Flosserama.

So, we've got the brainstorm helmets right here.

That's right, I said brainstorm helmets.

You see, normally we have one.

But we've been working round the clock to make another one.

Here it is, the brainstorm helmet two.

It's got noodles in it.

-No, no, no.

-It's wiring.

It's a special organic wiring.

(I told you to wash that up properly.)

Go on then, you can put it on.

Bryony, pop that on. That's nice.

OK, now, look into my eyes and tell me,

why do you want to invent the Flosserama?

We want to invent the Flosserama,

a machine that spins when we sit in it and makes candy floss.

The Flosserama has roller-coaster seats and plays our favourite music

so we can invite our friends for a candy floss party.

This candy floss party of yours, where do you want to have it?

-The Wildlife Park.

-Oh, of course.

Where else? And when do you want it?

In three days cos all our friends are coming.

Three days?!

Oh, noss!

Yeah, to be fair, we've made all the other inventions in three days.

-Have we?

-Yes. Like the Bold Bobbin Robin, remember that?

-Noss.

-The Falconator?

-Noss.

-The Fizzerari?

-Noss.

-The Icecalator?

-Noss.

-The Aqua Drifters.

-Noss.

-Do you even know why we're here?

-Noss.

-We're here to make a spinning candy floss machine!

-Oh, wow!

Sorry about this, we do know what we're doing.

I'll just take the helmets back and then we'll be off.

FABRIC RIPS

Oh, I thought this Leotard was a bit tight.

OK, Oucho, we got three days to build this Flosserama

and then I can send Fiona Bruce a big box of candy floss.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yes, there's probably a reason she doesn't reply to my letters,

like she's got the wrong address or they get eaten by a giant animal.

Anyway, look, I've made this prototype, OK?

This is Emilia and this is Bryony.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I didn't turn them into eggs. I'm not an evil wizard!

No, look, you pretend it's them.

You imagine it's them!

-Oh, OK.

-Right, OK, so this is Emilia, this is Bryony.

So they'll be sitting on the Flosserama like that.

Then this spinning top is the Flosserama.

So spin it round.

Oh, noss! Help!

Help!

It's all right, it's all right! No, they weren't real people, were they?

Remember they were eggs. It's fine.

We can't have that happening to real people though, can we?

Flying off like that.

We need them to balance on the Flosserama.

I know, I'll ask the internet.

He might know how to build the whole thing.

That's just typical.

-Hello?

-Hi, it's Ed.

I've given you all the information on Fiona Bruce.

There's no more. You've got it all, OK?

No, a different question.

I'm trying to make a storm in a teacup!

It's very simple. Very quick question.

All right, just get on with it.

Do you know how to build a Flosserama?

-A floss-a-what?

-A machine that spins and makes candy floss.

And two girls need to balance on it as it spins

but I don't know anything about how to make things balance or spin.

Or how to make candy floss.

That's more than one simple question.

I know, but Fiona loves candy floss and I'm desperate.

I mean, desperate to learn more about science

so I can make Emilia and Bryony's dream come true.

You wouldn't want to let them down, would you? And disappoint them.

I'll disappoint you in a minute!

Look, if you want an object to balance,

you must first find its centre of gravity.

The centre of gravity is the point in the whole shape

on which it will balance. Imagine a plate.

Oh! Ouch!

Now, on a plate, the centre of gravity is in the middle.

But if you add a weight to the surface, like a sandwich,

the centre of gravity changes.

So, if we put Emilia and Bryony on the Flosserama,

then the centre of gravity won't be in the middle?

Well, if the girls are the same weight and the same height,

you could place one of them on one side of the centre

and the other girl directly opposite

at the same distance from the centre, and then they will balance.

Brilliant. I've got one more question about spinning...

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Hello, the internet? Internet, can you hear me?

-You've broken the internet.

-Oh, noss!

Well at least we know how to make things balance.

And how hard can it be to make things spin?

I think we've got enough information to build a Fionarama.

A Flosserama!

Oh, the Flosserama, yes.

Now that is what I call a spanner!

And that is what I call an invention. Emilia! Bryony!

Hello, girls. I hope you're excited, as excited as Fiona Bruce

with her head in a big bucket full of candy floss.

Or any other celebrity you may wish to choose. How are you feeling?

-Really excited.

-Yeah?

Good. You should be because,

when me and Oucho first heard about your invention,

we thought, "That sounds impossible. It could never be done."

But it has been done. We built it. Behold your Flosserama.

-First impressions?

-That's not pink.

OK, well it's not pink. We know. We'll paint that up.

There's a flamingo round there somewhere, you'll like that.

-It's rubbish.

-I don't think so.

What you don't realise, right, these here, they're bikes.

We stuck them together with this frame.

I know it looks a bit odd but you wanted it spinning round

and round, so if you get on these and cycle, it will.

You'll be spinning. You're probably scared of it, aren't you?

You think it won't balance. But it does.

Get on, you'll see. You won't hurt yourselves.

Get on that thing!

Now, when you cycle, there's some pink goo in the middle here.

That will make candy floss. It's all under control.

Get them off!

We've even got a bucket here in case you're sick from the dizziness

of having too much fun, fun, fun!

Start pedalling!

Round and round.

-Go! Go!

-Come on!

THE GIRLS GIGGLE

-Go! Go!

-What's the problem?

We're not moving.

-When did you want to have this candy floss party?

-Two days.

-Two days?

-Yeah.

Mate, this isn't going very well.

Well, I'm sure you two have got lots of good ideas.

Let's have a tea-break, yeah?

Tea-break! Tea-break!

-OK, girls. Your ideas, hit me with them.

-Don't we need wheels?

-Wheels, yes. Excellent.

-We also need to know how to make candy floss.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

..Candy plops.

Not this again. For the last time,

you don't know how to make candy plops, I mean candy floss.

I does.

Don't be taken in.

-It's just an excuse for him to tell a long, rambling story.

-Wha'?!

Go on then, go on.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh, dear, what a shame.

The phone's ringing. Oh, what a tragedy.

Hello, Fiona Bruce Fan Club here.

Ed Petrie, Chairman, speaking.

Hello, boss. It's the big cheese, uh-oh.

No, the Flosserama's going very well, actually.

Yes, yes, the girls are having a great time, aren't you, girls?

-Yeah(!)

-You see, we're having lots of fun, lots of girly, pink fun.

And they're really pleased with how it's coming on, aren't you?

-Yeah(!)

-You see? So it's all good.

Yeah, love you, I mean, bye.

Right, your ideas are very good. We just need to concentrate

on how to make things spin smoother and faster.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

No, I don't think it's a very good idea talking to Billy Drillbit,

mate. He's always trying to sell us weird stuff.

So, if its wagon wheels you want, then order them now.

-And remember my motto...

-Maybe you're right.

Let's go and see him. See you in a bit, girls.

-Hi, Billy.

-Yee-ha! Howdy, partners.

What can I do for you couple of dudes?

Well, we're trying to build this thing called a Flosserama,

it's a spinning machine that makes candy floss.

We've made a prototype with two bikes,

but it's not going very smoothly.

Or very fast.

Or very fast. It's a bit slow.

Well, it doesn't move at all, really. So, Billy, can you help

-?

-You want to make things spin, huh?

Yeah, I can help you but it'll cost you.

I'll pay anything. I'm trying to impress somebody.

Trying to impress a certain filly, huh?

Oucho, Fiona Bruce does not look like a horse!

She is a lady, a lovely lady.

Well, if it's for a beautiful, horsey lady, I'll help you.

Now, as you know, wheels go round.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, we knew that already, Einstein. Sorry, Billy, carry on.

When the wheels go round, they move easily in one direction,

the direction they roll in, like this.

But it sounds to me like you put the wheels in the wrong place.

To make the Flosserama spin,

you need to make sure the wheels are at right angles to the radius.

Woah, woah, woah, there, cowboy. What are you talking about?

Right angles? Radius?

Now, look-y here, it's my Billy Drillbit Lazy Susan,

one of my best sellers.

As with all my Lazy Susans, it's got the centre point of gravity

marked here in the middle.

I'm going to draw a straight line out from the centre.

This is called the radius.

If this was your Flosserama, the wheels would need to be attached

on the radius at right angles to the centre, like this.

That way, your Flosserama will spin.

Rolling, rolling.

That's brilliant, Billy.

-Fiona Bruce is going to be really impressed.

-Ahem!

And Emilia and Bryony, obviously.

You don't know where we'd get a candy floss making machine, do you?

Candy floss machine? I sure do.

It's a Billy Drillbit candy floss making machine.

Remember my motto, cowboys.

Doing it without Billy is just darn silly.

Yoohoo!

Great. Well, we'll take those wheels as well.

I told you we didn't need this.

Right, now we've made a few adjustments,

-shall we get the girls in?

-Di.

Roll up, roll up, Emilia and Bryony! Roll up, roll up!

Who needs the fair when you've got the incredible Flosserama?

-What do you think of it now?

-It's really cool.

It's looking better, isn't it? Do you want to get on?

Because the wheels are in the right place now.

It will spin really well, trust me.

How confident are you, Bryony, on a scale of one to ten?

-Maybe about eight.

-Eight? We'll take that up to ten

once we get to this baby going, it's going to spin really well.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Fiona Bruce?! Where? Have I done my hair?

Oh, the Fiona Bruce thing? You mean the candy floss.

-Candy plops.

-Oh yes, of course. I forgot to put the mixture in.

We can't have a candy floss party without any candy floss, can we?

There we go, that's the machine in the middle there, you see?

So, when you spin round, we get lots of lovely candy floss.

-Are you looking forward to that?

-Yeah.

Of course you are! Go! Let's spin!

Stop, stop, stop! I think that's enough time.

Who fancies some candy floss?

-Me.

-Me!

Well, hang on. Why is it not...?

You were spinning for ages, why is it...?

Where's the candy floss?

-Oh, noss.

-It's not working!

-Oh, noss.

-It's that cowboy builder.

I blame him.

How much do you like candy floss?

-We love it.

-A lot.

-Right.

I'm just thinking, how about a candy floss pie without any candy floss?

-No.

-Yeah? But this stuff's lovely.

You could have a candy floss goo party. Yeah?

Mmm! It's lovely. Have some of that.

Have some, Bryony. You'll love it. Have a bit. It's delicious.

Have a bit. It's really nice.

HE COUGHS

Oh, this is no good.

A sophisticated candy floss-loving lady like Fiona Bruce

is never going to go for that.

Things can't get any worse. Ah!

CRASH!

Oh, this is not good.

-Oh, noss.

-At least you got it for a change as well.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, not this again.

-You know all about candy floss.

-Di.

Go on, then. Tell your little story.

It's not like things can get any worse.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

This lady came in and pointed at her mouth and said, "Tooth hurty."

So I looked at my watch and I said, "No, lady. It's a quarter to three!"

THEY LAUGH

-What was the time?

-What was the time?

-Di.

-No, that's a joke.

Tooth hurty?

Anyway, I was wondering, William Morrison, what is this secret sweet?

Candy plops.

-It's a secret recipe for a sweet called candy floss?

-Di.

Just think of those children and all the sugar they'll be eating,

and their rotting teeth!

We'll be rich!

-Rich, due to secretly unnecessary dental surgery.

-Hoorah!

-Let's celebrate by pulling all our own teeth out!

-Oh, di! Ah...

-Oh, you've done yours already.

-Oh, di.

That's it?

-So you invented candy floss to make money for evil dentists?

-Di.

If that's true, can you finish the story

-and tell me HOW you made candy floss?

-Oh, di, di, di.

OUCHO TALKS CACTINIAN

Oh, no! Not the moon story! The candy floss story.

The end of the candy floss story?

What do you mean, what candy floss story?

The one you were just telling!

Oh, well that's less than helpful.

Nice one.

You didn't glue it down very well.

-Yeah, you're right about that.

-Di.

We need to find out how candy floss is made, very fast.

Yeah, you're right about that as well.

Why don't I call this Monsieur Pamplemousse?

Er, I don't know. Maybe because he's a shouting idiot that hates me?

But he'll know how to make candy floss.

Yeah, I suppose he's a chef.

All right. I'll give him a ring.

Ah!

-Go away!

-Oh, hello Monsieur Pamplemousse.

It's Ed Petrie here. I've just got a quick question.

-We're trying to make candy floss.

-Ah. Ed Petrie, you stupid idiot.

Buy a candy floss machine and never bother me again!

But...

-Go away!

-Well, yes.

We've got this candy floss machine here but we think it's faulty.

We can't work out how this gooey stuff becomes candy floss.

How can they let people like you on the television?

HE TALKS FRENCH

The candy floss machine, does it have a bowl with holes in it?

Yeah, it's got holes. Is that why it's faulty?

Well, of course it's got holes in it!

To make candy floss you need a bowl with small holes in it.

You put sugar and pink food colouring

in that bowl with the holes.

The machine heats the inside of the bowl and the sugar melts.

It goes like a goo.

Well, we know all about goo.

The bowl then turns really, really fast.

When it turns, the goo gets pushed through the holes.

As it hits the cool air it solidifies into strands of sugar,

which are caught in the drum that surrounds the bowl.

Ah, so is that what the drum is for?

Well, of course it is, you utter imbecile.

Where is the solidified sugar supposed to go otherwise?

So how does the goo get pushed through the holes?

Using the power the centrifugal force, of course!

Have you never read a book?

What's centrifugal force?

It's what it sounds like!

It's the force that's directing away from the centre

of something that's spinning.

A washing machine uses centrifugal force.

As it spins, the centrifugal force pushes all the clothes

to the side of the washing machine drum.

Well, how fast does the bowl need to spin

to get the kind of centrifugal force that we need

to push the goo through the holes?

I don't know how fast it needs to spin! I am a cook!

I'm not some kind of spinning scientist!

Arr! Arr!

HE SPEAKS FRENCH

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Guys, guys, guys! Sounds like we need to get our hands

on a centrifugal force testing machine. Any ideas?

Why don't you try Billy Drillbit?

Billy Drillbit again.

He's not Father Christmas. He hasn't got everything in a magic sack.

-But I just saw him advertise one on the TV.

-But...

Oh. Oh, right. I'll give him a ring.

Amelia! Bryony!

What?

Oh, hello. I've got Billy Drillbit's centrifugal force

testing machine here. He uses it to test things at different speeds.

The different speeds we can do are 50 rotations per minute,

150 per rotations per minute and 500 rotations per minute.

That means it spins that many times in a minute.

So if I was to spin you 25 times in a minute, that would mean

you had 25 rotations per minute. I'm going to stop now. It's boring.

You can't spin, you're in a pot!

We need to find out what speed will create enough centrifugal force

to push the candy floss mixture through these holes.

Which is why I've got this.

It's lovely that, isn't it?

-You like that, Amelia? No?

-No.

Well, it's very important, because it's the same consistency

as the candy floss mixture, so it's essential to our experiment.

If you'd like to take your places, I've got some goggles for you.

Amelia, you need to be in charge of the goo. Just fill it up.

Go, go, go!

All right, I'm doing it! Here we go.

This is 50 rotations per minute.

-What can you see?

-Nothing.

-No goo flying out of holes?

-No.

Let's try 150 rotations per minute.

That's pretty fast. Any change?

-No.

-What can you see?

-Nothing.

Let's ramp this up, with 500 rotations per minute. Here we go.

Faster.

-Can you see anything now, ladies?

-Goo!

-What's it doing?

-Spraying!

Let's put some more in.

There we go. Oh, sorry! Sorry.

Oh, sorry. Accidents happen.

Accidents will happen in the laboratory.

So I'm just filling it up.

Well, I got a bucket on my head earlier so it's only fair.

Yeuch.

So what have we learnt there, Bryony?

We need the fastest speed to make candy floss.

That's right. I reckon we'll go for the 500 rotations per minute.

I think that will give us enough centrifugal force.

I think we've got everything we need to make candy floss!

No, no, no! I had to do it! I had to do it in the name of science!

In the name of science!

# This week the invention would be put to good use

# To help me win the heart of Fiona Bruce

# Candy floss is a sure fire way to charm her

# So I chose Amelia and Bryony's Flosserama

# They wanted to sit on it and spin round and around

# But the danger was they could fall off and end up on the ground

# If they couldn't balance there might be a calamity

# The internet told us about the centre of gravity

# We stuck two bikes to a metal frame

# A pot of goo will do it so Oucho claimed

# It did move a bit but it was slow and jerking

# And after making candy floss it wasn't working

# Friction and drag

# These were things I should have known about

# But knowledge ain't my bag

# It was nothing to write home about

# It needed to be smoother and faster and pink

# So we had a cup of tea and a bit of a think

# Billy had the answer He's never failed us

# He said, "Put the wheels on at right angles to the radius"

# With roller-coaster seats and wheels at right angles

# Surely we'd ironed out the final wrangles

# It span round fast and the ride was smooth too

# But there was no candy floss just pink goo

# I couldn't send a runny mess to Fiona Bruce

# As a last resort I asked Monsieur Pamplemousse

# Centrifugal force is what makes sugar-spun candy

# Billy had a testing machine - that was handy

# The answer at last

# It needs to spin over 500 times a minute

# That's pretty fast. #

Good job we got that information we needed then, innit?

-Well, we've done it.

-Di.

We've built the Flosserama

and I've been up all night writing a poem to Fiona Bruce.

In case she ever wants an invention

or any candy floss or a foot massage, maybe.

It won't take long. It won't take long.

Oh, Fiona, I think I owe ya, Your voice is like Leona...Lewis

And when I see you...

You ain't no moose, Fiona Bruce...

Oh. Hi, girls.

High, Ed. Hi, Oucho.

-Are you excited?

-Yeah.

-It seems like your friends are as well.

Right, let's get on with this.

Amelia and Bryony asked us to build them the Flosserama,

a spinning candy floss-making machine with a stereo...

and here it is!

Not really! That's not it!

Did you think that was it? No, it's not.

-It's not that funny.

-Well... No, you've probably got a point.

-Here it is!

-Wicked.

Just like our drawing.

Now let's find out if you can make candy floss,

because it's the way to Fiona Bruce's heart. Let's get spinning!

-OK, girls? You all strapped in?

-Di.

Right, cue the music.

# Tonight's the night

# Let's live it up

# I've got my money

# Let's spend it up

# Go out and smash it

# Like oh my god

# Jump off that sofa

# Let's get get off! #

-What do you like best about it so far?

-It's pink!

This girl is obsessed with pink.

More spinning!

Amelia, Bryony, Amelia,

Bryony, Amelia, Bryony, Amelia, Bryony, Amelia...

See? You see? It's working!

-How could you ever have doubted us? How's the candy floss, Amelia?

-Good.

Can I...? Where did you get that from?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

He's got some candy floss. Can I please have some?

Bryony, can I have that? Oh, go on.

-It's losserly.

-Ah, at last.

-Di.

-Oh, that's good.

-I think we should eat a loss of this. It's full of...energy.

-Di, di.

-Hmm, this?

-Di.

It's just a gift for a lady friend.

OUCHO LAUGHS

What's that under the dashboard?

That letter? With BBC lady's handwriting?

Quick, open it up!

Fiona Bruce?! Give it here!

"Dear Ed, Fiona Bruce here.

"As you well know, I...hate candy floss.

"Everyone knows it's made of sugar and rots your teeth.

"Do you really want all my teeth to fall out?

"You're an idiot for thinking I'd want any of it

"and if I meet you I'd..."

Oh, dear. Oh, that's just unnecessary.