Horologelator Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions

# We've got a television show of our own

# Making stuff that's been designed by you lot at home

# Building your inventions the best that we can

# Mostly out of rubbish from the back of our van

# We've even got a title that'll grab your attention

# All together now! #

-Ah, this is the life, isn't it?

-Di.

Sitting in our van, reading, relaxing.

OUCHO CHUCKLES AND SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Are you reading Captain Vegetable again?

-Di.

The cactus that can turn into any vegetable -

-what a superpower that is(!)

-PHONE RINGS

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Yeah, I know!

Hello! Ed Petrie here - TV's most popular presenter,

would you like an autograph? Oh, hello, Boss.

-It's the big cheese.

-Uh-oh.

The results of the survey are in? How did I do?

Not as popular as I was last Monday?

No, we've got some very impressive inventions lined up!

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-A time machine?! No!

You like the sound of a time machine?

Well, no, I don't...

Three days is a bit of a...

Well, no, I think we could build one in three days.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah!

Yeah, yeah, OK, yeah.

Yeah, love you... I mean, bye.

-What did you do that for?

-Huh?

-A time machine?

-Di.

-Why did you suggest a time machine?

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Captain Vegetable isn't real! A time machine is...

-a notoriously difficult thing to build.

-Oh.

I think a kid did send in a time machine actually. Here it is.

It's from Oscar. It's called the Horologelator.

I guess... I guess...

I guess we better go and see him then.

Oscar's mum told us he's at the dentist,

so we'll cheer him up after his filling with a big surprise.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-You love going to the dentist?

-Di.

-You haven't got any teeth.

-Oh, di.

Oh, the dentist has just left the room!

-Surprise!

-Surprise!

-It's us!

-Di.

-Ed and Oucho.

MUFFLED SPEECH

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

No, no, I think he is impressed.

I think he's just a bit star struck.

MUFFLED SPEECH

-I've seen this kind of thing before.

-Oh?

-Yeah.

You also have to remember that we are at the dentists

-and...and this is a really bad idea.

-Oh.

Um...we should have just gone to your house.

We know where you live. We'll see you there.

Good luck with the mouth and everything.

-Look at that one!

-OUCH LAUGHS

Hey, Oscar! Come in, park yourself down.

Just looking at your baby photos.

-Look, your mum made us a cake.

-Surprise!

It's not a surprise, he knew we'd be here.

-So... How's your mouth?

-Still a bit sore.

-We'll cheer you up when we make your Horologelator.

-Cool.

Yeah, time machine, very feasible. It'll be great.

Just need you to put this on to find out what you've got in mind.

I want to invent the Horologelator because I want to find out more

about my favourite king, Henry VIII and what it's like to be a Tudor

and being the fattest king in history

but I want to be back in time for tea.

That all sounds very interesting.

I'm just wondering, why did you call it the Horologelator?

It's Latin for a machine that manipulates time

and we'll need to know a lot about time to make my invention.

Right, yes. Yes, of course.

-Yes, I suppose first we have to find out what time is.

-Oh.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-No, not what THE time is.

-What TIME is.

-Ah. OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

No... Oh, forget it. Let's get started on this.

# Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions! #

A time machine, how will we build this?

What is time, anyway?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, for the last time, I'm not saying, "What is THE time!"

-I am saying, "What is time?"

-Oh, di!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah! But what is half-past-three, what does that mean?

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-No, no, not cake time.

What is an hour of time? Yeah?

A litre of milk is made of milk, A kilo of flour is made of flour.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-No, we're not baking a cake!

Good job too, cos if hours and minutes didn't have names,

how long would you leave it in the oven for?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Well, yes, till it's golden and brown, but how long would that be?

Cos time is nothing. Time is just a point between now...

..and now!

What is that? There's nothing in that gap.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Why would I want to find a cake recipe on the internet?

What are you talking about?!

Although the internet would be a good place to find out about time.

-Oh!

-Hello?

-What is it? I'm very busy!

-I need to know about time.

I'm not just here to answer your questions, you know.

Well, actually, you are.

Fine. Time, you say? Time? Time is another dimension.

A dimension? What's a dimension?

A dimension is a direction that an object sits in.

Right. You know that sentence didn't make any sense, don't you?

Think about a line from A to B.

It has one direction, so we say it has one dimension.

Now add an up and a down. That's a second dimension.

This is a rectangle.

It's got an up and a down and a left and a right,

so we say it has two dimensions, got that?

Oh, I see.

-Now add a backwards and forwards.

-It becomes a brick.

Yes! A three dimensional shape, like a brick.

Oh, no!

Great, great. What's that got to do with time?

Well, time can be thought of as another dimension.

When you're walking forwards, the ground behind you is still there.

It's the same with time.

In theory, it's still there, you can just step back into it.

So, yesterday is still there?

Yes. Yesterday, when all my troubles were so far away.

And tomorrow already exists?

Yes. Like a lovely, clean, egg-free room.

The most important thing you must remember about time travel

is that a small accident in the past

could have terrible consequences for history.

Really? Like if someone in the present went back in time

to meet a historical character?

Yes, but I wouldn't try that if I was you!

Oh, right...yeah, yeah. OK, thank you.

The internet said we shouldn't be messing around with a time machine,

could be dangerous.

-Meh.

-You're right, meh!

-Let's build it anyway.

-Di!

So the internet said that time is a dimension. What is time?

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-No, it's a dimension.

Hang on a minute, it can't still be half past three.

Your watch is broken, mate.

Oh...yeah, yeah, and your watch gives me a brilliant idea.

Oh?

HE LAUGHS

Well, Oscar, we thought this was going to be hard but it was so easy.

Just took a bit of thinking outside the box, or inside the box as you might say. OK, you ready for this?

-Here's your Horologelator!

-Da-da!

Is this it?

Yeah, this is it. It's a bit like a Tardis.

Oh, wait till you see inside, you're going to love it.

Sit down. I've set the calendar for 1530.

-Was Henry VIII around then?

-Definitely.

I thought he was. Right, what are we waiting for?

It's time to travel back into the past!

BOTH MAKE MACHINE NOISES

Beep-beep, beep-beep!

Oh! That's it! We've done it!

-Are we here?

-Yes.

-1530.

-Wow!

-What are we waiting for? Why don't we go meet Henry VIII?

No, no, no! You can't do that.

-It would be very bad.

-Why is it going to be really bad?

Well, you might upset the space-time continuum.

We've got to stay in here. If you want to talk to Henry VIII,

wait for him to walk past, then shout at him through the shed door.

-Wait for him to walk past?

-Yes.

This isn't really 1530, is it?

-It is!

-I think you'll find it is.

SIREN BLARES

I'm going out there.

-No, don't do that.

-No.

-Oi, oi, oi!

No, you do as you're told! No!

Stop, stop, stop!

Oh!

Oh, we're alive! Oh, we survived the time-travelling experience.

Ooh!

Do you think I'm that stupid?

-No, no.

-No.

Look, Oscar, this Horologelator is

one of the hardest things we've ever had to build.

But don't worry, we haven't failed yet.

We won't give up.

We can do this!

Just after I've gone to the toilet in here.

Oh, I give up! We can't do this.

We've been here for hours. We should ask someone for help.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

We've been through this before. I'm not calling Dr Destruction.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yes, he may well know everything.

-But he's evil and mad.

-Noss.

If he knows everything, then we should call him.

I'm not talking to him. You phone him.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Hello?

Dr Destruction, deliverer of doom! Ha-ha-ha-ha!

-Hi, it's Oscar.

-Oscar who?

-Tell him you're a friend of Oucho's from Magaluf.

-Di.

I'm a friend of Oucho's from Magaluf.

Ah, Oucho, the flamenco dancer. I remember.

Right. We need your help.

We're building a Horologelator and need to go back in time.

There are a number of ways to travel through time.

But the easiest way to go back in time and destroy the world

would be using a wormhole.

A wormhole? That sounds a bit silly.

A wormhole is a big hole, but the hole is in time.

'If you went through one,'

you could come out in the same place

or you could come out millions of years in the past or future.

This would also be a good way to destroy the world!

I don't want to destroy the world.

Join me! Join me! Ha-ha-ha!

-He is weird!

-Yeah, tell me about it!

-What did he say?

-He said we had to go through a wormhole.

-A wormhole? Well, what sort of worms?

-He didn't say. He just said,

if I went through a wormhole, I'd be able to go back in time.

There's loads of different worms. There's earthworms, jellyworms,

-woodworms...

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Bookworms.

-Tapeworms?

Ugh! Oh, Oscar, there's no need for that. Ugh!

No, what we need is a wormhole testing machine.

# Ed and Oucho's excellent inventions! #

Right, Oscar, we've got three different jars from the van.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, you're right.

Oh, dear, we forgot to put the lids on.

-We're always doing that, aren't we?

-Di.

-We're so forgetful.

Unfortunate for you because I'll be throwing these jars over you.

But there is a way out of this, right?

Here, we've got three wormholes.

We're hoping that if you crawl through one of these wormholes,

-you'll go back in time!

-Di.

-And you can put the lids back on so you don't get covered in mess.

-Yeah.

-What do you want to start with?

-Custard.

-Right, custard it is.

-Here we go!

-Yep.

Get that on you there.

Lovely, get through there! He's going back in time!

-Did you go back in time?

-Er...no.

That one doesn't work. You didn't go back in time. Which one now?

-Raspberry jam.

-Raspberry jam.

There we go. I've got a good feeling about this one.

Right, go back in time and put that lid back on.

He's coming, he's coming!

Oh, hang on a minute. Is that raspberry jam?

-Yes.

-Oh, no!

What happened in the time tunnel?

-Absolutely nothing.

-Nothing at all?

-No.

-What now?

Rice pudding.

-Good luck, Oscar.

-Yes!

Good luck! Good luck!

Oh, it's like Back To The Future.

Right, go on, in you go!

Don't go back to the '70s, got terrible dress sense.

-Oh.

-Oh, dear! One of two things has happened here -

you went back in time, put the lids on and someone was sick on you

or you're covered in rice pudding and that was a failure.

-I'm still covered in rice pudding.

-What have we learnt from this?

-Absolutely nothing.

-We must have learnt something.

-Surely? We always learn something.

-Oh!

-I don't understand.

-What shall we do now then?

I don't know. I don't know where to begin.

With a time-dilation device and time-distortion tablets.

With time-evaluation mice and...?

-What? Did you say that?

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Look!

Edzapsworth Petriamus at your service.

But you can call me Zap.

I've travelled here to tell you

that the first time-travel device is not invented until the year 3012.

Plus, I've seen this episode in the future,

and you don't invent a time machine.

-No!

-No!

-No, no, no! We have to! No, no! Failure is not an option.

Listen, just cos you don't invent a time-travel machine

doesn't mean you don't invent the Horologelator.

Here, take this. This is one of your old-fashioned DVD devices.

On it is this very episode.

You'll see that you make Oscar's Horologelator

using a 3D projector.

Oh, wow! Huh!

Time for me to go.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, yeah, bring some pizza next time.

-Let's watch the DVD and have some pizza.

-Yeah.

This should be fun.

I'll just fast-forward through what's already happened.

-Hey, that's you at the dentist.

-Yeah.

-Sorry about that.

Oh, my hair doesn't look very good there.

Oh, this is just freaky.

-Oh, this is just freaky.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-No, they're not copying us - they ARE us.

No, they're not copying us - they ARE us.

All right, I'll fast-forward it.

Oh, I know! If we can't take Oscar to Henry VIII,

then let's bring Henry VIII to Oscar using 3D projection!

That film director, Anthony Duffle Coat, can help us.

Ah, so we project Henry VIII in 3D and it looks like he's come to life.

-Di.

-A 3D film. Sounds cool.

Right, OK, well, um...I guess I'd better phone that film director,

Anthony Duffle Coat. Back in a bit.

-PHONE RINGS

-Cut!

Darling!

'Action!'

Who is this?

Ed. Ed Petrie. I need to ask you a question about film-making.

Ah, Ed, how lovely to hear from you, darling!

-Yes, I can talk to you for a minute. CUT!

-Great, great!

-I need to know how to make a 3D movie for Oscar.

-The Oscars?

Well, that's marvellous, darling, marvellous.

Quiet, please!

It has been said - by me - that all of my films should win Oscars.

Now listen up, luvvie, if you're going to make a 3D movie,

you need to shoot the film using two cameras.

Two cameras. Why?

It's all about dimensions, darling. Dimensions.

Oh, all right, I know all about dimensions.

Well, could you tell the difference between something in real life

and something on the television?

For example, Brad Pitt in real life and Brad Pitt on the television?

Of course, I'm not a simpleton.

And how can you tell?

Well, Brad Pitt on the TV is... on the TV...obviously.

Listen, a person on the television is flat.

They have two dimensions.

And how can you tell? Because your eyes can see dimensions.

Oh, wait, I'll write this down.

When you look at an object,

each eye sees the object from a slightly different place

because your eyes are a few centimetres apart.

So your brain receives two pictures -

one from each eye.

Because the two pictures your brain receives

are from slightly different angles, when your brain puts them together,

you can see that the object has three dimensions and isn't flat.

But when you watch TV, don't you still receive two pictures -

-one in each eye?

-Yes, you do. But your eyes only see the picture

from the angle the camera was pointing at when the movie was made.

So they both see exactly the same image from the same angle.

Ah, so your brain knows it's a flat picture.

Cut! I mean, action!

I mean, exactly.

So if I film Henry VIII with two cameras

slightly apart from each other, when I project the pictures back,

my eyes will see him from two different angles

-and think he's there in three dimensions.

-Exactly, darling.

-Do you have film cameras?

-No.

I do. Do you have a Henry VIII costume?

-No.

-I do. And do you have a special green screen to film against

so you can use special effects to change the background?

Do I have a what? Anthony, do you want to direct it?

Ah, darling, you're asking me! Ha-ha! Oh, yes!

Yes! Come down to my film studios right now and let's make a movie!

Oh, great! I'll be down there right away. Sounds brilliant!

Action!

Ah!

-Is this my Horologelator?

-Yeah.

If we can't take you to Henry VIII, then we'll bring Henry VIII to you.

It's got two projectors and a special screen here.

-Right, are you ready?

-Yes!

What's that? It's all fuzzy.

Er...yeah, yeah, it is.

Why is it doing this?

We did everything we're supposed to.

We had two cameras, we've two projectors, why is it not working?

-It looks like there's two pictures on top of each other.

-I know.

Your brain should take the two pictures

and turn it into a 3D picture.

Oh, what are we going to do?

Why don't we watch that DVD from the future to see what to do next?

Good idea. Let's do that.

You're quiet.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, you've watched this scene already.

-You don't say anything.

-Noss.

-Oh, all right.

# Ed and Oucho's excellent adventures. #

Oh, no, I think the big, big cheese stopped by for a visit.

-Noss.

-This does not look good.

-Not at all.

Press play, will you, Oscar?

-PHONE RINGS

-Cut!

Darling!

Hi, Anthony, it's Ed again. Ed Petrie.

When we projected the movie, it didn't look 3D.

It was fuzzy and blurry.

Fuzzy, you say?

Um...were you wearing your glasses?

-I wear contact lenses.

-Ha-ha-ha! You weren't wearing your glasses!

Ha-ha! No wonder it didn't work, darling.

-Don't blame my eyesight. It's your film that's faulty.

-No, Ed, sweetie.

It's all about light waves. Let me explain.

Hang on, I'd better write this down.

Light waves are a bit like waves you get at sea.

Except light waves don't just wave up and down,

they also wave from side to side.

When you project a film from a projector,

the light that comes out is a mixture of all these different waves

unless you put a filter in front of the projector.

A filter? What's that?

A filter only allows a certain type of wave through.

Imagine a filter has lots of vertical slots on it.

Only the up-and-down waves will be allowed through the filter.

So the entire film will be made up of only up-and-down waves.

So, if you put a different filter in front of your eyes

that had horizontal-shaped slots,

which would only let through side-to-side waves,

you wouldn't be able to see the film at all.

But if you had vertical slots in front of your eyes,

you would see the film.

In order to see a 3D image,

one needs to receive different pictures into each eye.

At the moment, both pictures are going to both eyes.

-That's why it's fuzzy.

-Wait, wait, wait.

So if I put a different filter in front of each projector,

and in front of each eye, I can make sure the vertical waves go

-to one eye and the horizontal waves to another eye.

-Exactly, darling!

Marvellous!

Oh, just one thing. Where do I get these filters?

Why, I gave you a whole box of them.

They look like sunglasses. ..Action!

Oh, where did I put those glasses?

-<

-Cut!

Oh, great(!) Now I've lost a box of glasses, a boy and a cactus.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Um...I don't suppose you've found

a box of special 3D glasses that Anthony Duffle Coat lent to us?

Duff...Duff...

So these aren't 3D glasses? Oucho...?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You're not an optician!

And these aren't reading glasses. They're 3D glasses.

Give them all here.

I'll give you three for £1! Now we've got all these,

-we've got everything to make your Horologelator.

-Brilliant!

# This week, we were faced with a difficult task -

# A time machine in three days? That's a serious ask

# I thought we might have made a terrible mistake

# As time machines are difficult to make!

# The internet told us that time's a dimension

# It was all starting to get beyond my comprehension

# A dimension is the number of directions an object sits in

# Frankly, it left me deeply confused

# Was time the fourth dimension? I was utterly bemused

# We knocked up a shed with a calendar in it

# It came as no surprise when we had to bin it

# With some reluctance called up Dr Destruction

# Who proceeded to give us bizarre instruction

# About wormholes and black holes and space and time travel

# I could feel my world beginning to unravel

# Time machine!

# There's no way we could make it

# Time machine!

# But there was a way we could fake it!

# A bloke from the future called Zap - or was it Zip? -

# Had a DVD of the show Which gave us a tip

# Apparently, we use a 3D projector

# So I called Anthony Duffle Coat He's a movie director

# Dressed as King Henry It was filmed in 3D

# When we tried to watch it back it all looked fuzzy

# The DVD, though, had one final surprise

# Turns out we need filters in front of our eyes

# Time machine!

# That's not strictly true

# It's a 3D projection

# But frankly That's pretty good too. #

Know what I mean?!

-Well, Oscar, it was tough, but shall we reveal your Horologelator?

-Yes.

Right. Oscar asked us to make him the Horologelator -

a time machine - so he could go back to 1530

and meet King Henry VIII,

and here it is!

We failed!

Oh, we failed!

No, you didn't.

You built the Horologelator. Here it is.

With a 3D projector, and everything. It's really cool.

Now, hopefully, when Henry VIII comes to that window,

he'll look like he's in the room, cos we've got filters

in the projector and in these glasses.

Let's introduce this.

Ladies and gentlemen, please put on your glasses...

and prepare to be amazed...

BEEPING

Where's my lunch?! Where's my lunch?!

This is just a snack!

Ooh, jesters. Who ordered jesters? I'm not in a bad mood, you know?

Clench-poops, make me laugh!

We're not clench-poops. We're people from the future.

The future?!

Get out of my hall!

Please, Your Highness, since you're such a famous king,

-could we ask you a few questions?

-OK.

-What's your favourite food?

-My favourite food?

My favourite, historically accurate food?

Um...chicken nuggets and chips.

-CHILDREN LAUGH

-Pizza. No...

This stuff. All this stuff.

Pies and things. Chocolate cake.

Chocolate cake?!

Yeah! Wahh!

Wah! Don't question me. I'm the king.

-Oh, yeah. And you don't like girls much, do you?

-Girls?!

No! I love girls.

Too much, some people might say. I've been married so much.

-HE CHUCKLES

-Yeah, girls are great.

All that prancing round they do, and sewing and stuff.

But you cut off their heads.

Um...yes, yes. I do that. They like that.

Don't you, Anne?

You see? She's nodding.

Little Tudor joke there.

Fetch!

Are you going... Are you...

Oh! I've got to get her back.

By the way, clear off!

Get out of here! You don't belong here!

Don't you know who I am?! I'm Henry VIII, I am.

I'm Henry VIII, I am. Argh!

CHEERING DROWNS SPEECH

Oh, bravo! Bravo!

-You better give him his present.

-Yes.

Thanks for all your help, Mr Duffle Coat.

It's Duffle Coot. COOT!

What's this?

It's an Oscar award.

It's an Oscar award?!

It's...it's an Oscar!

I've won an Oscar!

Oh! Oh, I've prepared for this moment.

Ohhh. An Oscar.

I would like to thank everybody for this...

Well, who'd have thought that history could be so interesting?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

What do you mean, why is the van not moving? It IS.

Why are WE not moving?

Oh, yeah! We should be in that van.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

At the end of that DVD, our van gets nicked! Oi!

Oi! Why didn't you tell me the van got nicked?