Apple Scrumper Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions

# We've got a television show of our own

# Making stuff that's been designed by you lot at home

# Building your inventions the best that we can

# Mostly out of rubbish from the back of our van

# We've even got a title that'll grab your attention

# All together now! #

PHONE RINGS

-Oh, Ed the bone.

-Yes, I know it's the phone, Sherlock.

Hello. Oh, hello, boss.

It's the Big Big Cheese.

No, no, I am working.

I'm working very hard, actually.

Was there any reason for this phone call?

Oh, your birthday.

Yeah, well, don't worry. Oucho and I have not forgotten your birthday.

We've actually made you a very nice present.

A lot of care has gone into it, so don't worry about that.

OK, love you... I mean, bye!

Oh, noss!

-No, no, it's all right.

-Wha'?

I have actually made her a birthday present.

-Really?

-Yes.

Have a look at the Ed Petrie incredible pen top putter on-er.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Why would you want to put the pen lid on yourself?

You've got a machine to do it for you.

I know, it's brilliant.

-Man of the year.

-Di.

-I'm the man.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I'm such a brilliant inventor. I can invent anything.

-Anybis?

-Yeah, anything.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-This?

-Di.

-Yeah, I could invent this.

-Whoa.

-The apple scrumper?

-Mmm.

-Why would I want to make

Wilf from Wiltshire's invention when all it does is suck up apples

so you can make apple pies?

-Did that say apple pies?

-Di.

Oucho, why are you wasting time looking at any other inventions?

Come on, let's go to Wiltshire!

Wilf's inside that house and he has no idea we're coming.

We're going to knock on the door, then hide and then...

Oh, he's got chickens.

-Oh, noss.

-What?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

What do you mean, you remember last time? No, don't you worry.

-Hello, Mrs Chicken.

-Uh-ho.

Here, Mrs Chicken. Here, Mrs Chicken. Here, Mrs Chicken.

Here, Mrs Chicken.

Aaargh! Aaargh!

I thought it would be you two when I heard all that noise.

You two had better come in and get cleaned up.

You stink of chicken poo.

Sorry about the incident with your chickens, Wilf.

-I thought they'd be friendly.

-They are very friendly chickens, Ed.

-Anyway...

We're here to talk about your invention, the apple scuba.

-Apple scrumper.

-The apple scrubber.

-Apple scrumper.

-The apple rumper.

-The apple scrumper.

-Oh, whatever.

Well, this thing here. So what we need you to do is put on this.

It's the Brainstorm Helmet.

So, tell me, why do you want to invent your apple scooter?

-It's the apple scrumper!

-That thing.

I want to invent the apple scrumper,

a machine that I can ride on and drive around the orchards.

It sucks up apples, washes them and chops them up

so I can make my favourite apple pies and share them with my family.

So, how many pies do you want to make, Wilf?

Well, I've got two pie dishes in the kitchen, so I think about two.

What? Two pies? That's not enough.

-Oucho can eat two pies in one sitting.

-Di.

How about three pies?

-Uh-uh.

-Four?

-Uh-uh.

-Five?

-Turots.

-Six?

-Turots.

-Seven?

-Turots.

-Eight?

-Uh-uh.

-Nine?

-Uh-uh.

-Ten?

100? 1,000? Lots?

-Oh, di.

-OK. Who do you want to be eating these pies with?

My sister Flo, my brother Stan and Mummy and Daddy.

-So it's a family do?

-Yes.

And when's this going to be?

-In three days' time.

-Three days? Three days till pie day!

-Mmm!

-OK, to the van.

OUCHO SINGS IN CACTINIAN

Oucho, will you please stop saying the word "pie" over and over again.

I'm trying to think about how to make this apple scrumper.

It's got to suck up apples, wash them and chop them, to be put into pies.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Stop it.

How do we make things suck up?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I am not asking a pie.

That would be stupid.

Whoever heard of a talking pie?

Oh, I know.

I'll ask Benson the goldfish.

# No haddock, no cry... #

Sorry, Benson. We're trying to get things to suck up.

-Do you think you can help us?

-Oh, ya, man, of course I can help you.

How would you suck up apples?

It's all to do with pressure and molecules.

I know all about molecules. Everything's made of molecules,

-but they're so small that the human eye can't see them.

-Di.

Yeah, man, that's right. But in air, molecules can move around.

Some areas can have lots of molecules and some areas

don't have many molecules at all.

An area with fewer molecules in its surroundings

is called an area of low pressure.

This area with fewer molecules

wants to fill its empty space and will suck more molecules into it.

This is what we call suction.

So we need to create an area of low pressure

so it'll suck more molecules in?

What? Why on earth are you talking about moles?

No, not moles. Molecules. Molecules!

-That's the trouble with goldfish. Terrible memories.

-Di.

Well, at least we know we need to create an area of low pressure.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Maybe we could get a bin and then tip it upside down and then

hopefully all the molecules will fall out, then we could stick a tube on top,

then that should suck in molecules from outside the bin.

-Oh, di.

-Oh, this is going to be easy.

Let's get building!

-HE SHOUTS:

-Wilf!

So what have you been up to? Actually, let me guess.

I reckon you've been getting pastry ready for your apple pies.

No, I like my pastry fresh,

so I'm going to make it when the apple scrumper is finished.

Well, you might have to make it today,

because your apple scrumper is finished. Here it is, look!

That is an absolute piece of junk.

You think this is junk because it looks a bit like a bin?

Yeah, it still has the label on.

Oh, yeah. All right, I'll level with you. It is a bin.

But it's a bin full of low pressure.

When you take that bag off that tube at the end, that will suck up all the apples into the bin.

Then you can take them out, wash them in here, because you wanted to

-wash the apples, didn't you?

-Di.

Not with my own hands.

Yeah, well...you can't have everything, can you?

So, anyway, hop on.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

So when I say "release the bag", you release the bag, and it will

suck up all these apples, OK?

Just put them there. Lovely.

I don't think it's going to work.

It will work. You'll be safe, yeah?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, I wouldn't want it to mess up my hair. That's why I'm staying behind here, OK.

-Wilf, release the bag!

-Go!

Suck! Suck up! Suck up the apples!

-Come on!

-Di!

-Put some elbow grease into it!

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

It WILL work! It's going to work, oh ye of little faith.

This doesn't look secure either.

I think we need to start again.

Yeah, we should probably go back to the van. You go first, we'll follow.

-You know what?

-Hm?

-I don't think he likes this.

It's always the same. We go to their house, they go,

"Can you build our invention?" We build the invention, they go,

"Oh, no, don't like it, it's rubbish."

Then we go and work out what's wrong with it, build another one,

normally that doesn't work either, and they go, "Oh, fix that."

And we have to fix that, have to talk to people about science,

And they always want to make it in three days.

Why can't we make it in four days or five days or why don't they give us a month, the little slave drivers?!

What?

I'm still here, you know.

Yeah, I knew you were still there.

Just... Come on, let's go, back to the van.

Well, Wilf, I've been back to the drawing board

and I think I've come up with a solution to your little problem.

What did you say the problem with your invention was?

-It looks rubbish.

-Apart from that?

-It doesn't wash the apples itself.

Besides that?

It doesn't move.

Bingo! But it is going to move now because I remembered that Major Cake

gave us a set caterpillar tracks in exchange for a slice of Battenburg.

I can paint those up so it doesn't look rubbish any more, whack them on.

Then we'll put on a washing area as well and, Bob's your uncle -

if your uncle's name is Bob - you've got your apple scrumper.

-I am a genius.

-But it still doesn't suck up the apples.

Y... Yes, that is the minor flaw in

my brilliant plan, but we're full of good ideas, aren't we, Oucho?

-Ha? Oh, di, di.

-For picking up the apples.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Broom! Yes, a broom, of course.

You could use a broom! Kids love brooms.

-You can sweep up the apples.

-Oh, wow!

-Ed!

-No? OK.

Well, I haven't got any other ideas. We ask someone else.

Um, who, though? Who could we ask?

Oucho, could you pay attention, please?

-Di.

-Stop reading that magazine.

Maybe somebody whose name rhymes with "suck".

It's probably a stupid idea but it might work.

-A Friar Tuck.

-Uh-uh.

Donald Duck?

-Noss! Scoot Stook.

-Scott Stuck?

-Di.

Oh, yes, of course, Scott Stuck.

Yeah, he's always got great ideas, hasn't he?

I wonder where he is these days? Yeah, I'll give him a ring.

PHONE RINGS

Hello. Rescue? Do you want my position?

Er, no. It's Ed Petrie here.

Oh. Oh, hello, Ed. I thought you might be the rescue team.

Is this a bad time?

No, no, it's never a bad time to talk to you, Ed, no.

-I haven't had a decent conversation for 21 days.

-Where are you, Scott?

I'm in a wonderful Amazon jungle.

It's really lovely here.

There's spiders as big as houses, bugs as big as my head and some very friendly mosquitoes.

Yeah. Scott, we're trying to make an invention called an apple scrumper.

It needs to suck up apples -

we tried to make an area of low pressure with an empty bin, but it didn't work.

Even though you think the container is empty, it's still full of air,

and air is made of molecules.

Oh, I see.

So we need to remove air from the container so it has less molecules?

That's spot on, dear chap.

-How can we do that?

-I don't suppose you've got a fan handy, have you?

Oh. Actually, we do.

-Bit of a weird-looking one.

-If you could turn it on, please.

-Is the fan blowing cool air in your face?

-Yeah, it is.

-It's quite nice, actually. Very cooling.

-Ah, a fan...

-Hello?

Scott Stuck? Are you still there?

Oh. Oh, sorry, dear friend. Just having a bit of a daydream there.

Can you feel the air molecules being

pushed out of the front of the fan and into your face?

Yeah, I can feel it pushing on my face and my hair.

I hope it's not messing my hair up.

The area in front of the fan is high pressure and the area behind the fan

is low pressure and more air molecules

are being sucked in to fill it.

Oh, yeah. I can see it sucking up some feathers.

-I hope that helped.

-Yeah, it has.

We can create an area of low pressure with a fan.

Putting a fan on the apple scrumper is the key to picking up apples.

Apple pie in the bag.

Oh, it's been a long time since I had an apple pie.

How about you?

Oh, dear. Aaargh!

Aaargh!

Aaargh! Aaargh!

Guys! Guys! I know what we need.

-We need a fan.

-Oh.

A fan sucks up molecules from behind and pushes them out the front.

So if we use a fan for our apple scrumper, it will suck up the air

and the apples, and we can deposit them in the washing area.

Brilliant. By the way, Ed, this parcel just arrived for you.

Oh, right, I see.

This parcel "just arrived" for me?

Guys, I know what you've done.

You've bought a fan, haven't you?

Er, noss.

I've already got one, but it's very thoughtful of you.

Oh. Oh, no.

Oh, I think I know who this is from.

"Dear Ed,

"do you really think I'm so old and decrepit

"that I cannot put a pen nib back on?

"Blah, blah...much better presents...blah, blah, blah...

"get the sack. The Big Big Cheese." I'd better give her a ring.

-Can you get the phone, Wilf?

-OK.

Thank you.

Oh, hello. Is that the Big Big Ch...?

I mean, my boss? It's Ed.

That wasn't your birthday present.

No, that was an invention sent in by Stuart McStupid

and I sent it to you to laugh at, because it's so...stupid.

No, of course our invention is going to be better than that.

No, no, we're making the apple scrumper.

It's a machine that sucks up apples and then it washes them

and it chops them and then you put them into pies.

You love apple pies?

I mean, yes, you love apple pies!

Which is why we're making it, for your birthday.

Yes, we're going to give you a pie. Lovely, so...

It's going very well, actually. So we're going to get on with it now.

Love you... I mean, bye.

OK, right, we're under serious pressure now.

She really wants a pie.

Come on, let's make it!

Oh, yes.

Wilf, come over here.

We've made some serious adjustments to your apple scrumper.

We've rebuilt the body, got a fan to suck up the apples.

It'll ride at a nice leisurely pace now.

-Do you want to see it?

-Yep.

-OK, here it is!

-Ha, ha, ha! Das da mummy. Ha, ha, ha!

-Yeah, it's not my mum.

Hilarious. Let's get rid of that.

That's obviously yours.

Wilf, take a seat.

Strap you in here.

Don't want you to get blown off your seat by...

this that I've got hiding under here.

The fan!

This is going to suck all the apples up into this bucket here.

Right, shall we give it a test run?

-Yeah.

-Are you ready, Wilf?

-Yeah.

-I said are you ready, Wilf?!

-Yes!

Right, OK, let's start the fan.

Is it working? Yes, brilliant.

OK, I've got some apples here in this bowl, fresh from the orchard.

The fan's going at full speed now.

Let's start scrumping!

It doesn't seem to be sucking all the apples.

Some of them are being a bit stubborn.

Hmm.

-Ah?

-Oh.

-It's only leaves and twigs.

-There's no apples.

It's sucking up all the small stuff but not the big stuff.

That's not very fair. What have the apples done to deserve that?

Why is the fan not working?

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-You know all about fans?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-CHANTING:

-Oucho! Ouch! Oucho! Oucho!

No, no, no, not those type of fans.

-Huh?

-The other type of fan.

Oh, di.

-Yes. So you haven't got a story about that, have you?

-Di, I doss.

-Really?

-Di, I doss.

-And it's true, is it?

-Mm-hm.

-Wilf, do you think we should let him tell his story?

-Yes.

-Really?

Yes.

Go on, then.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

And not that type of fan, either!

I meant an electrical fan! You know, like the one on the apple scrumper?

Oh, di!

You haven't got a story about that one. No, I didn't think you did.

Can we stop wasting time and think about this apple scrumper, yeah?

How are we going to make it work?

-Fix it?

-Oh, yeah, nice one, genius boy(!)

How are we going to get the apple scrumper working?

I know. Let's ask Marcel Le Shoosh.

Hello, Marcel. We were wondering if you could tell us something.

Oh, that's right, yes, yes, yes.

You can't speak. Could you show us through the medium of mime?

Great. How can we suck up apples?

Oh, what's he doing?

Your chips are too hot?

Um, you've got an appalling sense of balance? You've got wind?

What are you saying?!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

He's saying that the size and speed of the fan determines how many molecules it moves?

Hang on, I need to write this down.

Right, so the larger the fan or the faster it rotates, the more

air pushes forward, which means the more air it sucks from behind.

So a faster-rotating fan will suck up more air?

Oh, great.

But how can we find out how big or fast the fan needs to be to suck up apples?

Di.

Um, we need a fan...resting machine?

Noss, noss, noss.

-We need a fan nesting machine?

-Noss.

What?!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, we need a fan TESTING machine.

Why didn't you say?

Oh, oh, you've got one here.

-Thanks, Marcel!

-Oh, di.

PHONE RINGS

Right, hurry up, Oucho, we've only got a day left.

Di.

Oi!

That's bigger than I thought it was going to be.

So, Wilf, do you know what this is?

A fan speed-testing machine?

Oh, well-read.

Yeah, it is.

-This tube here attaches to a fan, right?

-Mm-hm.

That feeds into another tube. If there's something in this tube,

it either gets sucked up by the suction from the fan,

or, if that's not strong enough, it falls out.

I've got fans here of different sizes and speeds.

So we've got the office fan, the portable vacuum cleaner,

hairdryer, the big vacuum cleaner. Sit there and report the findings.

Am I going to have apples dropped on my head?

No, no, not apples,

because the BBC health and safety department wouldn't allow that.

So we found something that's the same weight as apples.

It's these balloons here,

-filled with custard.

-I have a feeling this is going to get messy.

-It's not going to get messy, is it, Oucho?

-Noss, noss, noss.

OK, right. Let's get testing, shall we?

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Oh, yeah, good idea.

Wilf, we're going to make you wear Oucho's special hat.

The fan's on. Just got to feed this balloon in,

-and let's see if it's got enough suction.

-Go!

How do you think the suction was on that first fan, Wilf?

-Not very good.

-No, it wasn't.

We won't use an office fan. But I've got the portable vacuum cleaner.

This could be just the ticket. Right, lots of lovely suction now.

I'm sure you won't get any more custard on you!

-Are you sure?

-Absolutely sure!

Oh, dear. What do you think of that?

-Rubbish.

-Rubbish.

Right, hairdryer next, cos it sucks air in at the back.

I think it's going to be a bit better. It might work, it might not.

Yeah, well, it is stronger, so you might be custard-free.

Who knows? All right, Wilf? Pay close attention.

Let's see what this hairdryer's suction is like.

HE LAUGHS AND SQUEALS

Right. So, Wilf, we tried the hairdryer.

What do you think of that?

-It didn't go very well.

-No.

Well, this is the last thing we've got left, the big vacuum cleaner.

So let's hope that this works.

Here we go, Wilf. Good luck.

Whoa! That's it! That's all we need!

Yahoo!

So, Wilf, my custardy friend, what did we find out there?

That we need a fan as big and fast as the vacuum cleaner.

Yes, spot on. We've got the custard.

Let's make those apple pies, come on!

# This week I have come up with my own invention

# A present for the Big Big Cheese was my intention

# I was so delighted with myself I chose the apple scrumper

# Designed by Wilf

# A moving machine that could suck up an apple

# How would that work? I was completely baffled

# Benson filled us in, that fish ain't no fool

# It's all about air pressure and molecules

# Filling the empty space creates

# Suction

# Our apple scrumper could now go go into

# Production

# We turned a box upside-down and fixed on a tube

# It didn't suck at all, didn't even move

# A fan would remove the air, said Scott Stuck

# The front of a fan blows behind it, sucks

# We dealt with the fan, had another try

# It only picked up leaves, they don't taste good in a pie

# Marcel said try a fan with a faster rotation

# I say, "said", it wasn't strictly a conversation

# A fan speed-testing machine

# Was what we... Desired

# We got one and now we know what speed is...

# ..Required-ahhh! #

-Well, here we are in a beautiful orchard. Good choice of Wilf's.

-Who?

-Wilf.

-Wha'?

-Don't pretend you don't know who Wilf is.

-Oh, di.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

No, not my dad. You've met my dad.

He's not called Wilf, is he? Wilf!

-Wilf!

-Aargh! Aaargh!

-No, not "wolf".

Wilf! Him.

-Oucho, you know who I am.

-Oh, di.

Sorry about that. I know we've been working with you for three days.

Don't take offence. Um... Oh, now look.

This always happens when you're making TV. The autograph hunters...

Actually, they've probably heard we're making apple pies.

They're pie stealers. I'll sort this out. Oi, you lot!

I know what you're up to with your plates and your bowls,

and you can't have any, you pie stealers! Go on, get out of it, clear off!

Ed, that's my family.

Oh.

Oh, hello.

-Losserly.

-Sorry.

Just going to do the unveiling.

Let's get on with it.

So Wilf asked us to build him an apple scrumper, a machine that would suck up apples,

-wash them and chop them so he could make some lovely apple pies. Shall we show them at home?

-Yeah.

Here it is!

No, not really. You can't suck up many apples with that! Here it is.

So, Wilf, why don't you tell everyone about your apple scrumper

whilst I have a lovely cup of tea?

Well, the apples get sucked up this tube by this fan here.

They go down here, then I open this hatch,

where they fall into this bowl.

I pick them up, put them into this tube and these jets suck up water

from down here and then wash the apples, then they go down this tube

and get chopped up in here by the rotating blades

and then the apple pieces fall into this bowl so I can make apple pie.

Do you want to do all my presenting for me?

You're great. Right, let's start getting these apples.

Oh, losserly.

Well, Wilf, I thought that was 100% success.

Not only does the apple scrumper suck up apples, but it washes them

and chops them and they taste delicious in this pies. Mmm.

-Did you have fun?

-Yep.

-What was the best bit?

I think driving the apple scrumper.

Oh, di.

Well, that was good. The Big Big Cheese will be so pleased

we made the apple scrumper and made all those pies for everyone to eat.

Especially as they were so delicious. We polished off every last one of them.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Indeed, not a single crumb left.

Oh, except for the pie I put in the van

-that we're sending to her for her birthday.

-Wha'?

-The extra pie I left in the van for no-one to eat.

-Oh.

I left it on your seat.

-Hang on, where's it gone?

-Ah, buh...

-Oucho, you didn't eat it, did you?

-Noss.

-Did you?

-Noss.

-Did you?

-Noss.

-Did you?

-Noss.

-Did you?

-Di.

Argh! We've got to get the apple scrumper working again

-before we get the sack! You flunk!

-You're a flunk.

-You're the flunk!