Do It Dancefloor Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions

# We've got a television show of our own

# Making stuff that's been designed by you lot at home

# Building your inventions the best that we can

# Mostly out of rubbish from the back of our van

# We've even got a title that'll grab your attention

# All together now

# Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions. #

-I love the smell of freshly delivered post.

-Di.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Look at this, I've got a free gift.

It's a sample of a new aftershave, Eau De Success.

It's made for successful people, just like me.

OUCHO SNIGGERS

I'll try that later. Lovely.

We've got another invention as well. Good, good, good.

This one's called the Do It Dance Floor, from Sarah in East Kilbride.

Well, it's a sound-activated dance floor. That's a good idea, isn't it?

Go Dolly!

# Working nine to five Bom, bom, bom... #

Yes, yes, I think that's enough Dolly Parton for today,

thank you very much.

Oh, they're having a school reunion at my old school.

That will be great, get the old gang back together.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

No. I had lots of friends at school, actually.

OUCHO LAUGHS

There was little Jimmy Bobster and me and Tanker Dude Man.

We were the most popular kids in school.

Oh, yeah, we were the Wicked Gang.

OUCHO LAUGHS

They've given me a special guest, as well.

-Ooh!

-Oh, Ted Meatrie?!

Oh, no! Not Ted Meatrie.

I don't believe that, he used to pick on me all the time,

now he's the special guest? That's not fair.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I think it will put me off, quite frankly.

Oh, unless, it says here they're looking for entertainment.

I could provide the entertainment.

-Oh, di.

-Then everyone will think I was really popular and cool.

Ah, di.

We could build this, build the Do It Dance Floor, then borrow it.

Oh, di.

I'll show Ted Meatrie that I'm no fool when I go back to school,

and I'm going to smell of success!

OUCHO COUGHS

Oh, yeah. We're coming, Sarah, to make your Do It Dance Floor.

Achoo! Achoo!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oucho, I don't stink.

This aftershave is very sophisticated, actually.

-Achoo!

-Be quiet, you're going to ruin the surprise for Sarah.

-Achoo!

-I mean it, be quiet.

-Hi, Ed. Hi, Oucho.

-Achoo!

Hi, Sarah. Was your surprise ruined by Oucho's sneezing?

No, there was a sudden bad smell.

I came to see if the drains were blocked, can you smell anything?

No. I can't smell any bad smell.

-All I can smell is success.

-Achoo!

-Surprise!

-Can we come in, please?

-Sure, in you come.

-Achoo!

You all right?

It's that drain smell, it's in here now.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Shut up, it is not my face.

There's probably a very serious problem

that requires the attention of a plumber.

Now, if you can just put this on,

we can find out all about your Do It Dance Floor.

I want to invent the Do It Dance Floor,

because I love dancing and singing.

I'd like it to activate different things with my voice.

When I sing I would like the lights to come on,

smoke to appear, and then glitter to be released.

I'd like my friends to join me,

and we can sing and dance and have a party.

Wow, smoke, glitter, singing, dancing,

all the ingredients of a brilliant party,

a party that Ted Meatrie will be really jealous of.

-Oh, di.

-Is Ted Meatrie coming?

No. No, he's not. What would you like to sing?

-I'd like to sing Dancing Queen from Mama Mia.

-Oh, di!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Oucho loves Mamma Mia.

-Di.

-Even more than Dolly?

-Er, nos!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

You'd like everything activated and released at the same time?

No. I want smoke, glitter and lights activated at different times.

Oh, right.

Well, we can do that.

-Really?

-Yes. Yes. Yes, we can, no problem.

Great. I'll get my mum to phone the council about those drains,

there must be something really big blocking it.

OUCHO LAUGHS

# Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions. #

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Mmm.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Well, no, I haven't got any idea how to build

a sound-activated dance floor, but it can't be that difficult.

Just get some lights and a microphone or something.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Well, I don't know how a microphone works.

It's not a great start, actually, is it?

It's fine, it's fine, I'll just ask the Internet.

I'm sure I can make this molehill into a mountain.

COMPUTER BLEEPS

PHONE RINGS

-Hello, the Internet here.

-Hello, the Internet.

-Oh, hi, Ed.

-Hello there, I just need some help.

OK.

We're making a sound-activated dance floor,

but we need to know how a microphone works.

A microphone?

Well, sound is a type of energy made by vibrations,

-and a microphone turns those vibrations into electricity.

-How?

Well, if you must know,

inside a microphone is something called a diaphragm,

a little disc that vibrates when it's struck by sound waves.

These vibrations are converted into electricity,

and a wire connected to the diaphragm carries the electricity to

an amplifier. That makes it bigger and pumps it into a loudspeaker,

where there is another disc.

This one does the opposite of the disc in a microphone -

it converts the electricity back into sound waves.

Oh, right, so it's electricity that moves sound to speakers

and can make make it louder?

That's it, exactly.

-It's brilliant, isn't it?

-Di.

It means you can hear quiet things like a trickling stream.

Well, you could hear a trickling stream, I suppose.

Oh!

Oh, no! My beautiful mountain!

Or a flock of birds flying off.

What flock of birds?

Or even the rustle of autumn leaves.

Well, I suppose you could hear the rustle of autumn leaves.

Stop getting me to say stupid things!

-Thank you, you've been a great help.

-Di. Bye.

Do you realise, I'll have to start all over again now?

What's that terrible smell?

Oh, dear, I think someone must want some information on smell removal.

Er, no, that won't be necessary, there's no terrible smell here.

Good job you kept in contact with that rubbish old DJ, Disco Dave.

Oh, di.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

He can play Dolly Parton all he likes

if it means we get to keep all this stuff now he's hung up his decks.

-Di.

-OK, let's get building.

-Nos.

-What do you mean, no?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, all right, you can sing Dolly Parton.

# Ed and Oucho's Excellent Inventions. #

I couldn't be happier with this invention.

I think it's highly unlikely that Sarah won't feel the same way.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Well, if we want to test it, we've got to get her. Sarah!

-Hi, Ed, hi, Oucho.

-Hi, Sarah, how are you doing?

-I'm doing fine.

-You'll be more than fine when you've tried this.

Look, look. It's the Do It Dance Floor!

We've done it. Come on, come on, hop on, let's test it out.

What do you fancy singing?

-Dancing Queen.

-Course you do.

Just turn that on. Start now.

# You can dance, you can jive... #

Just wait for the triggers.

# Having the time of your life... #

The lights will come on pretty soon. We'll have the smoke going.

# Ooh, see that girl... #

-Ed, the light.

-Yeah, they'll be on soon. The glitter as well.

# Digging the dancing queen...

# Woo!

# Friday night and the nights are low... #

Keep singing.

# Looking out for a place to go... #

Sing a bit better.

Ed, the lights!

I know, stop going on about the lights.

# For a dance... #

Yeah, great. Keep doing that.

Keep doing what you're doing. Keep up with the tune.

Ed, the glitter dust!

# You are the dancing queen... #

Ed, the glitter dust!

Oh, look, here's the glitter.

There we go, hooray!

There you go, oh, we can stop that now.

Job done, let's all go home.

No. That was pathetic.

Waa!

That drain smell's back again.

Oh, er...

-Well, that wasn't that bad, was it, Sarah?

-Yes, it was.

The glitter was supposed to activate itself,

and there was no lights or smoke.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, yeah, I know she's right, Oucho.

And I know Ted Meatrie's going to laugh at me.

-There's another problem.

-Another one?

Yeah, that smell of blocked drains is still hanging about.

Look, let's stop talking about smells that really aren't

that bad and are actually the scent of success,

and watch a bit of telly to calm ourselves down.

-TV:

-'Cock-a-doodle-do!

'Yes, it's me, Ted Meatrie,

'and it's time for that daily update into my life.

'Now, today, I'm going to be having my eyelashes permed.

'Now, I know what you're thinking, "Hey, Ted, you already look great."

'Yes, I do, but the thing is,

'I've got so much money, I don't know what to do with it,

'so I'm going to have my eyelashes permed, then straightened,'

just because I can. Ha-ha-ha!

What? What is this?

School reunion?

Why would I want to hang out with those losers?

Oh, I see, they're going to pay me £5 million just for attending.

I can't wait to see my old school chums!

I'll be the highlight of the evening.

The entertainment will be rubbish, I expect.

I'll be the only entertainment there.

'I'll bring joy to the masses simply by being me!

'Woo! Woo! Woo!'

Me, me, me, he sickens me.

I should never have agreed to do the entertainment for the reunion.

Ted Meatrie's going to humiliate me,

and your friends are going to turn up

to a non-existent party. I give up.

No. No. No. No!

-I really want this party, we just need a bit of help.

-Di.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oucho, what would Major Cake know about sound triggers?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Your mate Terry sold him a sound-activated cake oven?

-Di.

Wow! That's convenient.

OK, I'll find Major Cake. Hurrah!

Ah, my rhubarb tartlets, what a wonder you are to behold!

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hello, Major Cake.

Have you? Well, that's a wasted effort.

'I can't stand cakes, everyone knows that.

'I'm famous for my cake hatred.'

I...

Ugh, what's that awful smell?

'Smells like a chocolate log that's gone off.'

And I hate chocolate logs!

Right, of course. I was wondering if you could help me.

Righto. Fire away, young lady!

Well, we're making this thing called a Do It Dance Floor.

We need to know how to activate things as Sarah sings.

I can help you with that. It's to do with sound activation.

A Madeira cake, I mean, microphone,

passes electric signals into a computer, which can read them.

The computer can be programmed to do something

when it recognises a particular sound.

This is what's known as a vanilla slice, I mean, sound activation.

OK. Well, we've got a microphone.

Well done, you're on the right lines.

But we haven't got a computer that recognises sound.

You need a voice-activation computer, dear girl.

Is that like your voice-activated oven?

What? Who told you about that?

Now, look here, young lady, you can't be phoning me and ambushing me

with those types of accusations, a voice-activated cake oven, indeed!

Ha, what an impossible concept,

and I suppose you think I shouted "cake!" it would turn itself on.

OVEN: Cake making commencing.

Well, what was that?

Nothing to worry about, Miss, nothing to cherry bakewell about.

I mean, concern yourself about.

I order you to be quiet!

Goodbye!

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Was Major Cake any help?

He was, actually, he said we need a voice-activated computer.

It recognises certain sounds,

and when it hears them, it triggers something to happen.

Sounds amazing, doesn't it?

Right, we've still got to sort out the problem

of where we get one from.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-The Green Pages?

-Di.

-What's that.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

It's where cacti advertise their services? Well, that could help.

Have you got one?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, yeah.

Ah! It's very prickly. Oh! It's really quite hard to read! Ooh.

There are some numbers in here, so I'll give them a ring. Ouch!

That voice-activation machine

arrived just in time from the Green Pages.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

They may have never let you down,

but it took ages to get the prickles out of my fingers.

Anyway, enough about personal injury.

Sarah! Look, look, we've done it.

The Do It Dancefloor!

-It's way better than the last one.

-Di.

-I think you might be right.

We've got speakers, microphone,

and - the most important thing - the voice-activation machine.

-Do you want to test it out?

-Go on. Go on.

-I can't wait for this.

MUSIC: "Dancing Queen" by Abba

# You can dance, you can jive

# Having the time of your life... #

It works! Brilliant. Wait for the other triggers. Well done.

# See that girl Watch that scene... #

The lights will start in a minute.

# Digging the dancing queen... #

Maybe sing it louder.

OK.

# Friday night and the nights are low... #

Sing louder!

# Looking out for a place to go... #

-Oi! Sing louder!

-All right, no need to be rude.

# Where they play the right music

# Getting in the swing you've got to look for a king... #

A bit louder. I think you're not singing loud enough.

Can you not sing it louder? Sarah, sting louder!

-I can't sing any louder!

-Oh, sorry. Erm, right.

-Well, I can't borrow this, can I?

-Nos.

-I'm going to look a total fool in front of Ted Meatrie.

-Di.

And I won't be able to have that party with my friends.

Oh, yes, your party with your friends.

Yes, that's the important thing.

Oh, I hate letting the children down.

Right. Well...

It is an exaggeration to say that this is a total disaster.

So, it doesn't work.

The glitter was activated, but the smoke and the lights weren't.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I know, we've got to work that out.

-Oh, Ed...

-Hmm?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Why shouldn't I look at the TV?

What possible reason is there for me not to look at the TV?

No, I think I might look at the TV.

Oh, no! Not him again!

'Now, you may have heard about this school reunion thing

'that I'm contractually obliged to attend.

'Well, I've heard there's going to be this guy there called Ed Peewee

'who's providing the entertainment.

'Apparently, I went to the school with him,

'but I've never heard of the guy.

'He must have been a massive loser!

'Also, I heard that he smells like drains.

'So maybe he should change his name to Ed Poowee.

'Me no like drains, Ed Poowee. Ha-ha-ha-ha!'

I do not smell of drains!

So, it is you. Why have you been down the drains, anyway?

I haven't been down the drains, look, it's this. Eau De Success.

A lot of women like it, actually.

OUCHO LAUGHS

Right, we've got to get this Do It Dancefloor sorted now,

so I can get back at Ted Meatrie.

Oh, and you can put that party on for your friends, as well.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Phone Major Cake again?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah, he knew about sound. He knows a lot about machines.

Don't you worry, Sarah, we'll sort this out.

And I'm going to sort out Ted Meatrie!

Such a haunting aroma!

PHONE RINGS

Hello, Major Cake?

Have you, that's very forward of you, you don't even know me.

If you did, you'd know that I don't like cake.

No, Major Cake, it's me, Ed Petrie, from CBBC?

I need your help again. We've got a voice-activation machine.

We need to trigger three things, but when Sarah sings into it,

it only triggers one thing, even when she sings louder.

Is the machine broken?

Well, some voice-activation machines work on how loud you are,

but some respond to pineapple upside-down cake. I mean, pitch.

It sounds like yours is programmed for pitch.

What's pitch?

Well, it's nothing to do with pineapple upside-down cake,

that's for sure. Ha-ha! Hmm. No. It's to do with musical notes.

High pitch is up like this, and low pitch is down like this.

Right.

Sound comes from vibrations which travel in sound waves.

Lower-pitched musical notes have vibrations that happen

less frequently than higher-pitched notes.

Listen to this.

# Do, re, mi fa, sol, la, ti, do... #

On that musical scale, re is lower than sol, you see?

-Er, sort of.

-The lemon drizzle cake, I mean, voice-activation machine,

can detect the different pitches, so can tell

what note you are singing and will trigger when you hit the right one.

Right, so we need to work out what notes our machine recognises.

Correct, you need a voice-activation testing machine.

-Great. Thanks, Major Cake.

-No problem.

Did you just mention cake?

No, I didn't mention cake.

Stop mentioning cake!

Disgusting!

-Oucho, I've never smelled anything like it.

-Shh! Shh!

Panic over, people. Major Cake said that some voice activation machines

-recognise pineapple upside-down cake.

-Huh?

-I mean pitch.

If we test our machine, we can see which notes trigger it.

What we need is a voice-activation testing machine.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Oh, great idea, I'll give Disco Dave a ring.

Sarah, this is our voice-activation testing machine.

-Would you like to know how it works?

-Yeah.

-Good, I'm going to tell you.

There are eight notes on our musical scale, we need to find out

which ones trigger our voice-activation machine.

So I've rigged up these funnels on here. So your job is

to sit under them and sing scales,

and when you hit the right notes, slop will be released.

I'm sorry, but it's the only way we can get the information we need.

Oucho, your job is to write down what note it was.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Good question. We'll know what note she's hitting

-because I've got this little device here. Are you ready?

-Yeah!

OK! Let the music begin.

-# Do, re, mi... #

-That's good, that's good.

OUCHO LAUGHS

-OK. That was D.

-D.

-Got that, Oucho?

-Oh, D, D!

That's the first note. Are you OK there, Sarah?

-Are you in a choir, by any chance?

-Yes.

-You're a very good singer.

-Does this happen to you in choir much?

-No.

-No, no.

Oh, dear.

-Let's start again.

-# Do...re...mi... #

OUCHO AND SARAH LAUGH

That was a lot there, you liked that.

-So, that was the next note, that was E.

-D!

-No, not D, E.

OUCHO GRUMBLES

-SHE LAUGHS

-Right down your back, goodness.

Ready to move on to the next one? Oh, I've just got to be careful.

Wouldn't want to get messy. OK. So that's D and E so far.

Want to start at the bottom again and work your way up?

-# Do, re, mi... #

-Lovely. Oh, beautiful, yes.

-Nearly as beautiful as all that slop.

-# ..fa... #

-Good!

-# ..sol... #

-Bit louder. Good, yes, yes.

-# ..la... #

-Higher!

-# ..LA! #

-Good!

-# ..ti... #

-Ooh, not quite!

-OUCHO LAUGHS AGAIN D!

-That was B! B, Oucho.

D! Mm-hm. D!

-No, not D, B.

-E!

-How are you doing, there, Sarah?

-SHE GIGGLES

-Not very well!

-Really? I think you've done very well.

You have a new type of hat.

-That looks quite good. What do you think?

-Losserly!

I think we've found the notes we need. What are they?

D, E... SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Right. I'd better translate. D, E, B. That's good, isn't it?

-D.

-I need to sing those to activate the glitter, smoke and lights?

Right! She's still thinking about the invention when covered in slop.

Well done. Well done. Right, I need to sort out the light and smoke.

-You need to get on to your secret glitter supplier. We've run out.

-OK.

Will you ever tell me who your secret glitter supplier is?

No. No way!

REGGAE-STYLE MUSIC PLAYS

# The Do It Dancefloor was an obvious choice

# Lights smoke and glitter activated by a voice

# I could use it for my reunion at school

# To show Ted Meatrie that I'm way cool

# Found out about mics from the internet

# Picked up a sound system and put glitter in it

# But it wasn't enough to have just amplification

# It turns out you need something called voice-activation

BOTH: # Voice activation

# A computer that's programmed to recognise the sound

# Voice activation!

# I was wondering where on earth one of those could be found?

# Oucho said I'd find one in the Green Pages

# I did, but my fingers were hurting for ages

# It worked at the start but something was wrong

# Only triggered one thing No matter how loud the song!

# This was only a momentary glitch

-# As Major Cake told us

-It responded to pitch

# Which notes did our computer recognise?

# Sarah sang some and got a gungey surprise

# Voice activation!

# We've now got a fully working machine

# Voice activation!

# I hope those three notes are actually in Dancing Queen! #

So, after all our hard work,

I think the Do It Dancefloor is very NOTE-worthy.

-And it was much harder than it SOUND-ed.

-Very good, yes.

Oucho, would you like to join in with the old puns there?

Er...flunks.

-Fair enough. Shall we reveal your invention, then?

-Yeah!

OK, Sarah asked us to build her to Do It Dancefloor,

a sound-activated dance floor, with lights, smoke and glitter.

And here it is!

MUSIC PLAYS, THEN STOPS

No, that's not it! Nearly as funny as your puns there.

Here it is!

MUSIC: "Dancing Queen"

-Aw, D!

-Now, we've checked which notes activate the machine,

and we checked whether Dancing Queen has those notes. Luckily, it does.

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

I'm sorry, mate, it's too late to change it to Dolly Parton.

We tried, we tried. Are all your friends here yet?

-Don't worry, they're on their way.

-I hope so.

Nothing worse than having a party and none of your friends turn up.

Not that I'd know, obviously. Right, let's do this!

MUSIC: "Dancing Queen"

# Friday night and the lights are low

# Looking out for a place to go

# Where they play the right music

# Getting in the swing You come to look for a king

# Anybody could be that guy

# Night is young and the music's high

# Where they play the right music Everything is fine

# You're in the mood for a dance

# And when you get the chance

# You are the dancing queen

# Young and sweet, only 17!

# Dancing Queen!

# Feel the beat from the tambourine! Oh, yeah!

# You can dance, you can jive

# Having the time of your life... #

-OUCHO SINGS

-Smoke...

-# See that girl... #

-..glitter...

-# Watch that scene... #

-..lights!

-# Digging the dancing queen!

-# Digging the dancing queen! #

-Yey!

Oh, D! Losserly!

-Hooray!

-EVERYONE CHEERS

-Sarah, how was that?

-It was awesome! I love when the smoke came out.

It was great, wasn't it? It all worked brilliantly.

-Can I borrow it for my school reunion, then?

-Sure, why not?

OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

Yeah! Eat that, Ted Meatrie, eat it with chips!

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-It went really well, actually, mate.

The Do It Dancefloor was a hit and Ted Meatrie was really annoyed.

You could say I literally smelled of success.

-OUCHO SPEAKS CACTINIAN

-Well, I had to leave early,

-cos it all finished really quickly.

-Why?

The Environmental Health department were called.

-Apparently, there'd been reports of drains backing up in the area.

-Eugh!

Then a pack of dogs caught the scent and they descended on the school.

-DOGS BARK

-Oh, hang on, that's them!

Oh, no, they've followed me!

Go away! Get out of here, you stupid animals!