Episode 1 Fit

Hello. This is the Fit O'Clock News. Our top stories today...

There was excitement as the Olympic torch finally

arrived at the Olympic Stadium

but the event was spoiled

by an over-eager health and safety official.

Fire!

SHE SQUEALS

A new survey has revealed that parents who exercise

for 30 minutes three times a week never stop going on about it.

Ever.

And we can now go over live to Melbourne for the first

Test between England and Australia.

You join us in Melbourne as the England and Australia captains

head out for the coin toss.

There's always a real sense of excitement at the start

of a Test series and today is no exception.

-Is this going to be England's year?

-Heads.

And the England captain has opted for heads.

Yeah!

And he's won it. England have won it.

They've won the opening game in the biannual coin toss series

and the Australian captain is absolutely gutted.

Superfoods! Get your superfoods here!

-All right, darling, what can I do you for?

-You sell superfoods?

-Yep.

Oh, right, what a brilliant idea!

Er, can I get a punnet of blueberries, then, please?

-No, we don't do those.

-Broccoli?

-No.

-Salmon?

-No.

-Brazil nuts?

-No.

-Green tea?

-No.

-What DO you do?

-Chips.

-Chips? They're not superfood.

-Yes, they are.

-No, they're not.

They're absolutely super. Bit of salt, bit of vinegar - ask anyone.

-Mmm!

-You can't sell chips as superfood. That's false advertising.

-They're bad for you.

-They're full of energy.

-And fat.

Look, have you got anything healthy? Anything brown?

-Brown bread, brown rice...

-Got this.

-These aren't superfoods.

You just put that sign up there because you know joggers come past

wanting something healthy to eat.

Are you going to have these or not? Oh. Oh, they've gone cold now.

Actually, when they go cold, they become a salad.

-Disgusting!

-Oh, superfoods!

-I'll have a salad, please.

-There you go.

Lovely. And a portion of chips.

-Cheers, mate.

-See you!

BELL RINGS

You're doing great, Billy. You're doing great.

You've got him just where you want him. But keep moving.

Stay away from that left hook.

Keep giving him the jab, just like you are doing. Stay away from him.

Make him come to you. You're getting under his skin.

He's going to start making some mistakes and when he does,

you know what to do. Right, left, uppercut, just like we talked about.

But stay away from the ropes. Listen to me, Billy.

You're going to come out of this ring a champion.

All you need to do is stay focused and you can do this.

BELL RINGS

-Er, coach...

-You look beautiful. Good luck.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

One...two...three...

I don't like cross-country running.

I mean, why's everyone so cross?

Run with a smile on your face. Be happy!

You join us this afternoon at the Vanessa Gravitational Field

for the Women's Trifle Shooting event.

A fine field today, including two Americans -

Nancy Ratzenberg, placed ninth last year during the World Cup,

and Amy Jo Kaderlang, the reigning world champion.

And Ratzenberg is up first, back after a short ban for loading

her trifles with rock cakes to make them fly further.

Taking aim there with her trifle.

Oh, great to see that the ban hasn't affected her form. Fantastic start.

Kaderlang's looking very confident, unsurprisingly.

This girl really knows how to unload a custard-topped jelly

full of broken sponge cake.

Very confident pudding lobber, Kaderlang.

And would you look at that? Bang on target. Superb trifle shooting.

The young Spanish contender Maria De Pognac now taking her aim.

Oh! And she's hit an official. There's trifle everywhere.

That is a disaster.

Luckily, the event doctor is on hand to lick him better.

Sorry, Miss, I can't do orienteering today. I've got a note.

My knees are just far too weak after the sponsored swim

I did at the weekend.

Yeah, Miss, I can't do it either,

cos there's a dinosaur...ON my head.

Everybody knows the drill. Nobody move until I say so.

-Don't let me down, people.

-He's in position.

-Any moment now.

He's about to make the exchange.

Let's just get in there and get it over with.

-Wait till he picks up the package.

-But he's almost there.

-Wait!

-Watch his hand.

-Come on, take it. There!

-Go, go, go!

-Health SWAT team.

-Step away from the burger and chips, Tommy.

-Put down the unhealthy option.

-Don't be a silly boy, Tommy.

-You've got your whole life ahead of you.

-Put it down, kid.

-Think about your mum and dad.

-This doesn't have to happen, Tommy.

-We can end this now. There is a way out of this.

-Pick up the salad.

-It's full of vitamins and antioxidants.

-Nice and easy.

Think healthy, Tommy. Think salad.

Good boy, Tommy.

-I've got it, I've got it!

-Easy!

-Don't drop it!

OK, good work, lads. Now we just need to dispose of it.

-I'm on it, boss.

-Not like that, Charlie! Come on, hand it over.

And the rest of the chips!

Right, let's get back to base for a peppermint tea.

Come on, then, Charlie. Let's see how much you have grown.

Ooh!

There we go. Look, that's about five centimetres. Well done, you.

Come on, Johnny. Let's do you. It's your turn.

Breathe out.

That's about six centimetres.

Come on, Grandma. Let's see how much you've shrunk.

Sorry!

WHISTLE BLOWS Half time, change ends!

-Everything all right?

-Oh, no, he won't move.

-Who?

-Dean, in goal.

-Says he won't change ends.

-Well, he's got to.

It's the second half - we have to change ends.

-He says he's got the goal just how he likes it.

-You what?

Well, be fair - he spent ages tidying the nets and that

and now he doesn't want to move.

I mean, he's got a point. Look at the state of your goal -

-it's a right mess.

-So what?

As long as you can kick a ball in it, who cares?

-Is there a problem, gents?

-Yeah, he won't change ends.

-I don't blame him. Your goal's a disgrace.

-That's what I said.

-When was it decorated?

-It doesn't matter what it looks like.

-We have to change ends. It's in the rules.

-He's got a point.

-Bring on your substitute goalie.

-There might be a problem there.

He won't leave the bench, not after all the work he's put in.

To be fair, that is a lovely bench.

Hello?

How can I help?

Oh, you're the handymen? Great. Come on in.

Do you need a hand with anything? Haven't you got any tools?

OK. This way.

OK. So, I'd like the new shelf here, please.

Are you sure you'll be...?

OK.

Can I get you anything? Cup of tea or some tools, maybe.

No? OK.

How's it going?

No, don't!

Oh, wow! That's amazing. How exactly did you do that?

Oi!

I don't like golf. It's cruel,

the way the players hit birdies.

Apparently, the really nasty ones -

they hit eagles, too.

-Hello. Er, what is the soup?

-Soup?

Yes, what is the soup?

-It's like a kind of food. It's been cooked and liquidised.

-Er, no.

-What IS the soup?

-Well, it's like a kind of food - yeah? -

-that we cook and then put in a blender.

-No. This soup - what is it?

Well, it's like a hot drink. You can dip bread into it.

When it's done right, it's really delicious.

-The soup of the day...

-Right...

-What is it today?

-Friday.

-No, what is the soup today?

-Same as it was yesterday.

-Which was what?

-Like a big gravy.

-Gravy?

-Yeah, you know, gravy.

Er, it's like a boring soup that you pour over meat.

No, I understand what gravy is -

I just don't understand why you're telling me. What is the soup today?

Well, it's like a hot sauce that you eat out of a bowl, with a spoon.

-Goodbye.

-So you don't want the soup?

-Are you going to tell me what it is?

Yes. It's like a thin, runny stew.

You can eat it in a flask.

What was all that about?

Just another time-waster who doesn't know what soup is.

And you rejoin us just in time to see the conclusion of what has been

an incredible 10,000 metres final.

Gianna holds the lead but Osada of France is closing in fast.

And Osada's made the break. It's going to be close at the line.

But Osada takes it. Osada from Gianna with Gallac a distant third.

Well, that was a truly fantastic race from Osada there.

A personal best and more importantly,

a new world record for that young man.

And Osada looks absolutely ecstatic.

-But of course, as you know, it's your votes at home that count.

-What?

To make Jenkins your winner, dial the number on screen and add 01.

To give Gianna the gold, add 02. Add 03 for Osada. Add 04 for Putinesco.

Add 05 for Gallac. Add 06 to make Chattam your champion.

Or if you think Murdoch should take the podium, add 07.

-But I won! I won the race!

-Yeah.

And so, now, it's just time for the public vote.

-You're kidding me?

-No, because that's how we do things here on...

And so, who will win tonight's 10,000 metres final? You decide!

But now we go live on the field to Ant and Dec

for Britain's Got Javelins. Boys...

Do you like sports? Do you attend sports?

Do you participate in sports?

Then get down to...

Boom!

Everything you could ever need is here.

And there's more!

And there's still more!

Our fully trained staff are on hand 24 hours,

spread over seven weeks, to cater for all your sporting needs.

-Can I have a football, please?

-Sorry, we don't sell footballs.

So sprint along to Brian Butterfield's Sports Warehouse.

Everything must go!

Including me.

Please spare a moment to listen to this message

from the Environmental Charity Agency.

I've given.

I've given.

I've given.

I'm giving right now.

HE FARTS

Britain's wind farms need your wind.

Imagine if everybody in Britain

spared just one bum trump for charity.

Those 64 million air biscuits would be enough

to keep our wind farms going for years to come.

So pick up one of these special Give Wind jars,

fill it with a quick fanfare from the trouser trumpet, seal it

and send it to us at this freepost address.

How do the wind farms use your farts? I don't know.

We didn't really look into it.

They probably just plant them or something.

HE FARTS SLOWLY

Please, send us your blanket rippers.

Remember, every guff counts.

SHE FARTS

HE FARTS

SHE FARTS SQUEAKILY

HE FARTS ..today

Er, can someone open a window? The cameraman's fainted.

Well, I am here with winner Phil Murdoch. Phil, how do you feel?

Great. I mean, when I twisted my ankle in the 10,000 metres

and had to pull out, I thought it was all over.

Well, you would, wouldn't you?

Luckily the audience at home fell for your cheeky smile

and you got over 57% of the audience vote.

A big thank you to everybody at home for calling in.

And now that you've won the 10,000 metres, what's the plan?

I'm going to do the pole vault with my eyes shut, so get voting!

Don't go away!

I'm not sure I'd like to run a marathon.

I mean, they look really hard to organise.

Sorting out all the courses and the forms

and organising where the toilets are going.

Nightmare!

-Hello.

-Hold on, I'm doing a quiz.

The answer is D - a cave.

What? Oh!

Apparently Simon Cowell lives in America!

Three children, one adult for the pool, please.

Oh, you should be ashamed of yourself.

-Bringing children to a pool - it's a health hazard!

-Pardon?

We'd a bloke in here swimming last week.

Three days later...he was dead.

-That's awful.

-He was only 124.

-That is quite old. Maybe he died of old age.

-HE DIDN'T!

-How can you be so sure?

-Three people saw the lightning hit him.

-OK.

-Three children, one adult for the pool, please.

-Fine! £10.

Honestly, there's no helping some people.

Ooh! Another quiz!

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

It's an important day for our up-and-coming models.

They've got a big studio session this afternoon.

Shahana, Delon, come on. We're going to be late for doing modelling.

Oh, I can't stand these early mornings. It's not easy, you know.

-I had to wash my own face.

-You think that's hard?

You should try being me.

Once I start looking in a mirror, it's basically impossible to stop.

Have a banana. We need energy food because today is going to be full on.

-We have to do standing up AND sitting down.

-What?!

I'm still exhausted from yesterday.

I had to do photos where I was smiling.

-But then I also had to do photos where I was not smiling.

-Me too.

And you won't believe it but apparently,

-we have to wear hats today. BOTH:

-No!

It's going to be exhausting.

I think that wearing hats is even harder than wearing tops.

I know what you mean.

I should've gone into construction like my brother.

It's all right for you GUYS.

Yesterday, I had to have someone paint my nails.

-Oh, that is such hard work.

-I know!

-Come on, we'd better go.

-We've got to make our own way today.

-Oh! No, we haven't, have we?

-That is taking the mickey!

-I know.

I said to my agent, "Well, it's one thing sending a car for us

"but sometimes me, Vienna and Delon have to make our own way

-"from the front door to the car."

-You should fire your agent.

I'm going to tell mine that tomorrow we have to be carried to the car.

Yeah, me too.

-I don't know if I can go on like this, guys.

-Oh, babe!

-Hello.

-Hello.

You playing golf, then?

-Yep.

-Yep, thought you were.

The club, the ball, the grass...

I thought, "That man - he's definitely playing golf."

HE CHUCKLES

Yeah, silent preparation. Very important for the game.

Blocking out all distractions.

You must clear your mind of all other thoughts.

Yeah, get it. Totally get it.

Be my guest.

-Ooh, is that a pound coin?! Ah, there's a stroke of luck!

-Ssh!

All right, calm down.

It's not your pound coin, is it?

No.

No, you... You focus on the golf. Yep.

-HE SHOUTS:

-Has anyone lost a pound coin?

Anyone lost a pound coin?

ANYONE?!

-Looks like it's mine, then.

-I don't care about your pound coin.

-Just shut up about your pound coin.

-Yep, yep, you need to concentrate.

Totally get it. Totally get it.

Get into the zone.

The zone.

-Oh, it's a sweet wrapper!

-Ooh!

Sorry!

Made a right fudge of that one, haven't you?

You want to concentrate, mate.

See you later.

I'm sorry, Miss. I can't do cross-country today. I've got a note.

I've just got a really upset stomach.

Yeah, Miss, I can't do it either,

cos I ate a dodgy piece of toast and completely lost my hearing.

All right, lads. Grab a drink, take a seat. Take a seat. OK.

That was just the first 45 minutes. We need to put that behind us, OK?

We're only 2-1 down and we can still do this, right?

Jono, I know that was a soft goal you let in

but one mistake does not make you a rubbish keeper, OK?

Second half, I want to see you going out there

and showing them what you're made of.

-PHONE KEYS BLEEP

-Jono...

-Eh?

-Unbelievable.

-Good, thanks, yeah.

Yeah? All right. Now, Stewie, I want you to get down the channels.

I want you to get at their left back. He can't match you for pace

-so I want you to take them to the line, whip those balls in.

-Yes!

-Get in there!

-That's the attitude.

-Level four, high score!

-Right, put that down. This is important.

Nobody got anywhere in professional football by mucking about.

-Ain't that right, Compo?

-Hang on, boss. I'm just updating my status.

Right. All your electronic equipment in this bin, now. Come on.

All of it. In the bin.

And the other one.

Smudger? Smudger, in the bin.

And you. Right.

Now maybe we can talk about this game of football we're losing.

MOBILE RINGS

One minute, I'd better get this. Hello? Hiya. Yeah, all right?

Yeah! Bye. Bye-bye. Bye. Love you. Love you, bye.

That was the ref. Second half's about to start so get out there.

Come on! Come on!

Level four. I'll beat that easy!

Fencing! Whose bright idea

was it to make hammering posts into a field

an Olympic sport?

Swords?!

I need to go call my brother.

All right, guys, just time to put the finishing touches

on your scuba diving training before we head out.

So let's go through the final basic procedure, OK? Everyone with me?

Breathing mask on. Regulator check. Jump in the water.

Start your descent down. Gentle swimming.

Explore the surrounding area.

Spot the shark. Panic!

"Ah! There's a shark!" Try desperately to swim away.

"Ah! He's got my leg!"

"Help! He's eating me! He's eating me! Ah! Ah!

"I'm inside the shark! I'm actually inside the shark.

"He's eaten me whole." Got to get out, got to get out.

Tickle his windpipe. Tickle, tickle, tickle.

"Yes, yes, yes! It's working.

"He's throwing me up."

Quick, swim to the surface, drag yourself back onto the boat

and scream, "I'm alive!"

Who wants to get in the water first?

Guys?

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd