Episode 2 Fit

Hello, this is the Fit O'clock News. Our top stories today...

There's confusion at the World Ice Skating Championships

in London as Russian Sergei Laruzenko

comes to the end of his routine.

Have you finished yet?

UK Athletics says Britain's top sprinter

could soon catch Usain Bolt, now they've given him a new coach

and a motorbike.

And, in a desperate attempt

to get kids to eat five fruit and veg a day,

the Government have called in the Army.

We can now go over to our Health Correspondent, Patricia Johnson.

Thank you. I'm here with Lance Corporal Roberts

of the Royal Fusiliers. Can you explain the new initiative?

It's simple, really. The Government have found some kids

aren't keen on fruit and veg.

It's fallen to us to propel it into their systems some other way.

-We'll fire it into them, using rocket launchers.

-Loading...

clear... fire!

SPLAT

They may not want to eat what's good for them,

but this new technique leaves them with little choice.

This scheme is currently only being used here

at Saint Luke's Primary School in Cheshire.

If successful, it will be used all over the country.

Earlier, I spoke to one of the school pupils.

So, do you think this new scheme is a good idea?

MUMBLES

But not everyone is so happy.

Fruit and vegetables are good for you,

if they're not shot at you upwards of 100 miles an hour.

My boy had to go to hospital to have a carrot removed.

Have you got anything to say about last week's carrot incident?

It's not my fault. The boy turned and ran like a little chicken.

Potatoes are starchy foods

and don't count towards your five-a-day. What were you thinking?

-Won't happen again, sir.

-Yes.

As you know, this is only a pilot scheme,

we take on board concerns about harder fruits and vegetables.

Coconuts are off the list

and we are not experimenting with some softer items, like mushy peas.

-SPLAT

-Good shot, lad.

-Thank you, sir!

Fire!

SPLAT

Back to the studio.

GLASS SMASHING

Sorry!

Oi, oi, oi! What was that?

What? I took it past him, didn't I?

Did he or did he not make contact with you?

Er, yes, I think he clipped me.

-Did you Smithy?

-I might have, I'm not sure.

You should've gone down, you're a Premiership football player.

You're supposed to be setting a bad example.

-Sorry, gaffer.

-Let's try that tackle again,

and this time, I want you to dive on to the pitch

as if you're a proper professional.

AAARGH!

My head! My arm!

My leg! My other leg! My feet!

The toes on my feet! My eyes!

Good, now gesture to the bench as if you can't go on...

That's a red card for the other player, he's off.

-And I feel fine again.

-Textbook.

That is exactly the kind of un-gentlemanly

and pathetic behaviour I want to see from you on Saturday.

Smithy, what have I told you about swallowing your own spit?

-Er...

-Imagine it's Saturday,

all the cameras are on you, lad.

I need you to set a bad example.

SPITS That's more like it.

-Reevsy, have you just wiped your nose on your arm?

-Yes.

Am I wasting my time here?

Snot rocket, please!

HE SNIFFS

Sorry, Miss. I can't do football today.

I put my back out playing last week so I've got to stay lying down.

Yeah, miss. I can't do it either,

I've hurt my hair.

Yes, it's really sore. Ow.

DISTANT CHEERING

BRONZE MEDALLIST WHIMPERS

SHE CRIES

SHE CRIES

SHE SNIFFLES AND CRIES

-Excuse me, I've got a one o'clock appointment.

-Oh!

You gave me a fright. I didn't hear anyone come in.

Sorry. Um, I've got a one o'clock appointment with Jasper.

Jasper is the best, THE BEST. I don't let anyone else do my hair.

-What's your name? Have you been here before?

-No.

I'm just here for a trim. The name's Jason.

-Jason?

-Er, Jason Williams.

There's yours, two sugars.

-Are you being taken care of?

-What?

-It's all right, Linda. I'm booking him in with Jasper.

-Oh...

Jasper's the best. He's changed my life.

-So what are you having done?

-Just a trim, nothing too out there.

What have you done? I look ridiculous.

I've got to go to work now.

I look like my grandad.

He'll learn to love it.

Jasper, this is your one o'clock.

You!

-Hello.

-Listen to this.

BIRDS SQUAWKING

There are actual birds living in my hair.

-Amazing.

-Are you insane?

I've been chased down the road by cats and my boyfriend has left me.

You'll learn to love it.

Send her the bill for the extra birdies, 500.

Now, where's my next victim, er, customer?

Has he cancelled?

Send him the bill, 500.

500.

Excuse me. I bought this from you yesterday and I want my money back.

-Is it broken?

-I'll say it's broken.

I tried to ride it home and it wouldn't move an inch.

Look, I'll show you.

See what I mean? What do you have to say about that?

I thought it was the brakes, but it hasn't even got any.

Did you know about this before you sold it?

-Well, yes sir.

-Unbelievable. Absolutely brazen.

Sir, we can't give you a refund,

but if you want, we can exchange it for another product.

Huh...

Right, I'll take that rowing boat.

But if I get it to a lake and find that it leaks,

I will have you fired.

I remember when my whole body was covered in plasters.

I hadn't hurt myself. I'd just been swimming in the pool.

I used to do loads of boxing, but then I got worried

that getting hit in the head was bad for me health.

I used to do loads of boxing, but then I got worried

that getting hit in the head was bad for me health.

I used to...

Yeah, I injured my shoulder really badly playing squash,

so now I can only raise my arm up to shoulder height.

But I used to be able to raise it all the way up to there.

-OK, guys, are you ready for your first jump?

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-Excited?

-A bit nervous.

-Oh, don't be nervous.

If you follow the rules, skydiving is one of the safest sports

in the world. Which reminds me, I forgot earlier to mention something.

One very important rule...

HE OPENS DOOR When you open the para...

HOWLING WIND DROWNS OUT SPEECH

OK?

Don't be scared, just go. Just go.

Just go. Come on. Go, go, go, go, go.

WIND HOWLS See you down there! Enjoy!

The Misspelt Games!

You join us now for an event that blends athleticism with poise,

the synchronised slimming.

The French team have been slimming together for years,

lovely synchronised warm-up, moving as one.

-We're ready to go.

-Three, two one.

-And the slimmers are away.

It's a classic opening, refusing the burger.

Assange in the near lane slightly out of sync, must be the pressure,

He'll lose points for that.

And it's on to a quick step class workout.

I hope we don't see a repeat of the Russian performance.

Oh, no, the French know not to sit down.

A little calorie-burning jog.

And let's see how they do at the compulsory celery stage.

With low-fat cottage cheese dip. Still perfectly synchronised.

Beautiful end to the routine. They'll be happy with that.

But here comes the moment of truth.

Oh...

Oh, what a shame.

But the tape doesn't lie, they're no slimmer than they were at the start.

Well, I bet they wish they'd had that burger now.

Good evening, sir, what can I get you?

Hello, I'd like something really annoying, please.

OK, well, these sweet wrappers are pretty noisy.

Yeah, they're pretty noisy but I'm looking for something

that will really ruin my fellow cinema goers' whole

movie-watching experience.

Well, how about this unnecessarily large cup of ice

with some fizzy drink in it? It rattles and it comes with a straw.

SLURPING

That's sure to cut through those quieter scenes.

-Yeah, one of those, please.

-Mildly annoying or really annoying?

-Really annoying.

-Popcorn?

No, popcorn's not very noisy, is it?

Well, if you get one of our medium size tubs you can pass it

back and forth between you and your friends

-thus blocking the view of people behind you.

-Yeah, all right then.

-Nachos?

-No, I don't think so.

-They're pretty stinky.

Hmm...

Yeah, all right, one of those, please.

Excuse me, are you going to take much longer? My film's starting.

Sorry, I'm not quite finished. Annoying, isn't it?

All right, sir, that'll be £79.99.

I've only got coins, I'm afraid.

COINS JANGLE

And that is why Britain joined the...

BELL RINGS

OK, remember, homework in tomorrow, no exceptions,

no copying it off the internet.

I'm looking at you, Neville Peterson.

Quite a lesson, Mr Turner.

It looked like you were in danger of losing them

a bit there with the causes of the First World War.

Well, to be fair, it is quite complicated. But I think

I successfully covered up the fact that I don't understand it myself.

Overall, I'm pleased with the result.

And what about that incident at the halfway point?

Yes, the young Mitchell lad was trying to pass a note to Sharon.

Actually, I think we can take a quick look at that.

Yes, I'm writing on the whiteboard at this point.

He thinks he's got a clear run.

It's like a sixth sense, I felt something was up.

I turn and I catch them red-handed.

What was in the note?

It was about myself and quite personal in nature

and I do not wish to discuss it at this point.

Fair play. Now you've got 3S coming up, notoriously tricky customers.

It's just another lesson as far as I'm concerned, the trick is

to get stuck in, hand out one detention

within the first two minutes.

-Well, good luck with that. Thank you, Mr Turner.

-Cheers.

WHISTLE BLOWS

It's 1,000 BC, the mystic East.

Oriental men are busy inventing dozens of fighting techniques

that will come to be known as martial arts.

Now the year is 2,000 no hundred and 12.

And I, Brian Butterfield, have fused all these techniques together

into one to create...

butter-fu.

From taekwondo, one millimeter punch.

Hai!

Ow.

From karate, double roundhouse.

Hai!

From sumo, the one hundred hand slap.

Arrrgggh!

One, two,

three, four, five. Sorry.

From soap operas, the hair pull.

Sorry.

From the playground, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Brian.

Hai! Sorry.

Butter-fu is THE martial art.

Haaaaa....

douken!

-Oi!

-Sorry.

Kuru-mahoya!

Whatever that means.

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And darts yourself to the body you've always dreamed of.

Right, I think that's enough of that.

We done at least five minutes, let's call it a day.

I'll see you all next month.

It's been a lovely day, Ben.

Such a great idea to go for a picnic on our bicycles.

My pleasure. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

We should probably get going though, actually.

Ben, I think you've got a flat tyre.

Oh, don't worry about that, that's just a slow puncture.

A quick pump of air and that'll be good to go.

Pffft!

Is everything OK?

Yeah, it's just the pump.

It's an old pump

so it makes a few funny noises.

Of course.

Pfft! Pfft! Pffft!

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

Pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfffft.

Pfffft, pffft.

Pffft. Pffft, pfft, pfft, pfft, pfft.

Pfffffft.

What a noisy pump.

Well, that should do it, ready to go? Sure.

Pfft. Pfft. Pfft.

-Is that still the pump?

-It's the... It's the helmet.

Pfft.

That's the saddle.

Pfft.

Ha, it's very...very boggy.

Pfft, pfft.

Do you recognise that bird call?

Pffft.

I think my shoes, they're just a little bit loose.

Pffft.

My phone's just gone off, it's a new ringtone.

Sorry, Miss, I can't do fitness today,

I've got a hospital appointment about my knee.

Yeah, Miss, I can't do it either,

I got no sleep because our house got stolen and we were

waiting at the police station all night waiting for them to find it.

I'm here in the marshy forests of Northeast Siberia.

It's one of the harshest and most unforgiving places

on the surface of the planet.

But, unbelievably, it's here that

the reindeer-herding Pan-whack people

have lived for thousands of years.

It may not look like there's a lot to eat here,

but you just need to know where to look.

This is the dala root. It's highly nutritious.

Unfortunately it's inedible,

until you've eaten it and sicked it up several times,

and then it tastes like liquorice

and sick, obviously.

These are chuck berries.

These beauties could save your life.

If you can eat three tons of these,

you can survive for an entire day or so.

They smell like wet dogs, but they taste...

..much, much worse.

The bulk of the Pan-whack's nutrition comes from a single plant.

It thrives here at the base of these Siberian elms.

The fruit grows in pods at the end of these vines.

Here inside the pod

is a soft, chewy fruit with a subtle cheddary flavour

that makes it seem like a natural cheeseburger.

Here goes.

Urgh.

Yeah, that's a bad one.

It's got gherkins in it, disgusting.

Wow!

'So here we are at the women's 100 metre, unheated pool freestyle.'

-On your mark.

-'And we're under starter's orders.'

-Set.

CLAXON HONKS

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Aargh! Oh!

Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, ah!

Oh! Oh!

'Tom and Harry are two brothers who in many ways are just like

'any other teenage boys.

'They go to school, they play games,

'they have girlfriends.

'But Tom and Harry have a dream, a dream they're determined to fulfil.'

We want to be in the Olympics.

Yeah, it's our dream, innit?

I'll never forget when Harry came in and he said, "Mum, me and Tom

"will be in those Olympics."

And when was that exactly?

-It must have been Monday.

-Monday, yeah.

'They'll do it though.'

-'Oh, yeah, they'll do it.'

-'It's all they've ever wanted.'

Yeah, well, since Monday.

So, which sport are you planning to take part in?

Er... Umm...

-Of course, they've never done any sport in their life.

-Oh, no.

They hate sport, don't they?

'But with the Olympics fast approaching,

'they have to decide which sport they want to compete in and fast.'

I'm not quite sure what I want to go for.

-There's running or jumping or horses. Or rowing?

-Rowing?

Yeah, rowing. It's on the list of Olympic sports.

No stupid, it's ROWing on a river.

-No, it's rowing, like what we're doing now.

-It's not!

-It's ROWing, the wet one with sticks in a boat.

-Are you sure?

We'll be rubbish at that, then, won't we?

-It doesn't matter anyway. I've chosen what we're doing.

-You have?

We're doing walking.

I think they're better at sitting

but that's not an Olympic sport, so walking it is.

'Tom and Harry have arranged to join up with some race walkers

'who are training in their local area.'

We would have walked here but we didn't want to do

all our training before we started, so Dad gave us a lift.

Oh, look, here come the walkers now.

Oi, slow down!

Oh, my shoelace is undone.

Oh, no. Better give up, then.

Couldn't do their silly bum wiggle anyway.

'Next week, the Olympic dream continues.

'Tom and Harry give up on race walking

'and decide to train for the swimming.'

19, 20.

Oh right, that's 20 lengths,

I'm done for the day.

WHISTLING

MICROWAVE PINGS

Girls, over here, give us a smile. Any advice for any girls out there

who want to be footballers' wives like you?

Always make sure you look really tanned, really sparkly

and you've got a dog you can fit in a handbag.

Great result for City this weekend. How are you going to celebrate?

Oh, Mike's going to buy me a diamond-encrusted phone case,

a diamond-encrusted bag for me dog and a diamond-encrusted diamond.

Suze, how do you feel about Caesar's upcoming transfer to Barcelona?

Well, Spain, like many Eurozone countries,

is staring straight into a financial abyss,

but with an economy that's too big to allow to fail.

If big, successful, international interests like football

can continue bringing money into the country,

then Caesar and I are just too pleased to support it.

I mean, I'll get a nice tan in Spain

and I'll buy a diamond-encrusted bikini.

I am so sorry.

CAMERAS CLICK

My worst sporting injury?

Well, I once choked on an energy bar.

When I went running, I fell down some steps

and I broke two legs and three arms.

That's the last time I run a marathon dressed as an octopus.

Jessie, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

You're the light of my life, the fire in my heart

and I hope we'll always be together.

APPLAUSE

Now the bride and groom will cut the cake.

Can I get a picture of the bride and groom with the cake?

THEY LAUGH

-Hang on.

-What?

You've given yourself the bigger bit.

-No, I haven't.

-Yes, you have.

-I haven't.

-You have.

Look, your piece is at least a finger bigger than mine.

-It isn't.

-It is.

-It isn't.

-Is.

What? You got all the little silver balls, look.

-So?

-Well, it's the principle.

If you're having the silver balls, I'm having the marzipan decorations.

Well, you'll have to be quick!

Smile.

That's...lovely.

GASPING

Sarah? Look at you, you look fantastic!

-Oh, thanks, Karen!

-What's your secret?

You on some new exercise regime?

I've got this new personal trainer,

he's the most amazing motivator.

Look, here he is now. Woo, Des!

Grrr...

Aaargh, it's a zombie! Aaargh!

Yeah, I know. Thing is, he's not just any old zombie,

he's flesh-eating, which personally I find really motivating.

He makes you exercise like your life depends on it,

which of course it does.

THEY SCREAM

Oh, hold on a sec. He's stopped to have a stretch.

-Oh, thank heavens for that.

-The living dead, they get a bit stiff.

He's very flexible though. Look, he can touch his toes.

Eurgh! Oh!

Oh, we're off again.

THEY SCREAM

The really amazing thing is, no matter how slow he moves,

no matter how fast we run, he always somehow keeps up with you.

That's zombies for you.

-Grr...

-Aaargh!

That's odd, he's gone.

-Aaargh!

-Ah!

WATCH BEEPS

Hour up.

Yeah, OK, same time next week, yeah?

My card.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd