Episode 3 Fit

Hello, this is the FIT o'clock news.

Our top stories today...

After 21 days of cycling

and over 3,000 kilometres in the saddle, the Italian champion

is determined to finish the Tour de France despite a sore bottom.

A three-legged race in Winchester had to be abandoned as organisers

were unable to find enough children with three legs.

And now we go live to Patricia Johnson,

who's witnessing sporting history in the making.

Yes, and you join us here

at Riverside Arena for this landmark bout.

This is the very first ever fight of its kind.

In the blue corner, Harry "The Hammer" Claplam.

In the red corner, Ricky "The Rock" Robertson.

And in the white corner, Dennis "The Power" Smith.

Let's get ready to rumble!

Here we go, the first ever three-man boxing match.

This should be interesting.

CROWD CHEERS

Well, I think we can all say without a doubt,

that that didn't really work, did it?

Back to the studio.

Can I have your attention, please, everybody?

Everybody?

SHE BURPS LOUDLY

Right, I've got some bad news.

Cola Corps' profits are down, again.

I know you won't want to hear this... SHE BURPS

-but I'm going to have to let one of you go.

-What?

-No, that...

-BURP

I'm sorry, but the only way to save this kind of money

will be to stop giving out free cola in the office.

We're drinking 64 cans of cola everyday.

It's costing a fortune. BURP

So it's either tap water in the office,

or one of you gets the chop.

HE BURPS

If it wasn't for free cola,

-this job would be a pain in the...

-BURPS

Yeah, we don't want to give up drinking our cola.

BURPS

BURP I know what you mean.

-So we're all agreed?

-Yeah.

-Yep.

-BURPS

Maggie, I'm sorry, you're...

-BURPS ..out of here.

-What?!

Well, you know what I think of that, don't you?

SHE FARTS

She didn't really...

-BURPS

-..fit in, did she?

No.

Sorry!

With City 2-0 down here and only 20 minutes to go,

the manager must be thinking of making a change any time now, John?

Well, you could well be right there.

There's Romney warming up. He can't wait to get out onto the pitch.

-Kenny?

-Yes, boss?

-Tell Steve to get warmed up, I'm bringing him on.

Yes, boss.

So, we've got javelin throwing, right?

What about javelin catching, like?

I'd watch that for sure.

I think musicals should be made into an Olympic sport.

But I don't want to make a song and dance about it.

-Hi. I've got a session on the climbing wall.

-Fine, go on home.

-I'll tell everyone you did it.

-What? No, I want to do it.

Why? There's nothing up there.

It's not a real mountain. There's no view.

Yes, but I guess I kind of enjoy the challenge.

Try fitting a bag of marshmallows into your mouth, that's a challenge.

I want to climb the wall.

Well you should try working here for six hours without a break.

That WOULD make you climb a wall. Ha-ha-ha!

OK, uh, look, I'm climbing a mountain in a couple of months

and I need to practise.

You're climbing an actual mountain? Why?

You're just going to have to climb back down again.

It's for Sport Relief. I want to know what it would be like,

and I don't want to let my sponsors down.

You want to know what it would be like to climb a mountain?

Yes.

Whoa!

Sit still until the air ambulance gets here!

I'm not going to leave you!

I'd like to go climb the wall now.

Fine! £4.20.

Honestly, there's no helping some people.

Hiya.

You going my way?

-Have to, mate.

-Fair enough.

# I am the new model

# I am the new model. #

The New Model.

Our up-and-coming models are discussing

their gruelling day in front of the cameras.

You're not going to finish your drink?

I've been drinking water all morning.

Studio lights can make you so thirsty.

No, I was doing an advert for bottled water.

So it was a nightmare.

I had to do bottle work.

Oh, I haven't done that since modelling college.

Me neither. I mean, it's on my CV,

but you just don't expect to have it sprung on you.

I don't think you'd remember any of it.

I was all right with the picking up the bottle and drinking from it.

But then, I had to do putting the bottle back down afterwards.

Are you joking? Advanced work!

-I hope you're getting paid extra.

-So do I.

I also had to do a full range of faces.

Looking into the distance...

excited...

happy...thirsty...

not thirsty any more.

-All of those while holding a bottle?

-Yes.

And before I drank out of it,

-I had to take the lid off.

-What?!

-There wasn't someone to take the lid off for you?

-No!

-You're gonna need, like, a week off.

-I'm off to the Bahamas on Friday.

-Oh, well that will be a nice break.

-You're joking? I'm working.

So I've got to do ice-lolly work. And, a full range of faces.

Hot...

excited...

refreshed.

And my agent called me this morning

and said they're going to want me to do beach-sitting work, too.

-No!

-I mean, I did level one beach-sitting work at college,

but if they want me to do holding-a-magazine work as well,

they can forget it.

It is a joke, babes. You should so fire your agent.

Don't worry, I'm going to.

-When I find out who he is.

-Great.

Sorry, miss, I can't do hockey today. I've got a note.

I had an asthma attack.

Yeah, miss. I can't do it either.

I'm a croissant.

Hi. I'm looking for some sportswear.

Looks like you're in the right place, this is a sports shop.

-Can you recommend anything?

-Uh...

Very absorbent, this.

Good. I'm bound to sweat a lot.

-Planning on having a curry, are you?

-No, I need it to go running.

You know, running?

Running? In the park?

-No, I never heard of it. What is it, a computer game?

-Not really.

-Oh.

Now, these are good if you spill Coke, or ketchup. They wipe clean.

That's if you're bothered about stains.

I wasn't planning on eating in them.

Oh, you'll get hungry.

I always do after a couple of hours on the beanbag.

You don't want to have to get up and miss the adverts.

These pockets are great for stuffing with snacks.

Have you got any sportswear for actual sports, though?

Yes! This is a rip tide, extreme performance sports jersey. Look.

-What sports do you do in that?

-Oh, usual ones.

-Uh, sitting, sleeping, watching TV.

-Those aren't sports, though.

-Watching TV when sports on is.

-No, it isn't.

Don't judge me just because you're weird.

-Aren't you worried about your weight?

-No.

Elasticated waist.

That's the great thing about sportswear. You can grow into it.

-I'm gonna find a proper running shop.

-Oh, right.

There's one a couple of doors up. Do you want me to call you a cab?

No.

Suit yourself.

Being annoying should be made an Olympic sport.

And the person who's the most annoying would win it.

For being really annoying. Not just annoying, really annoying.

You know the sort of people, go on and on about the same thing,

over and over again.

Yeah, that'd be good.

It would be a bit annoying, but it would be good.

For 30 years, top chef Jean-Paul Scoffier

has inspired the world with his cooking.

Now, at last, he shares some of his kitchen secrets.

This week, healthy puddings.

Et bien. The healthy puddings. Allons-y.

Zis is absolute mon bon voyage.

Ratatouille. Frere Jacques.

Maintenant un petit peu de Zinedine Zidane.

And, my old Mardi Gras, Notre Dame de Pepe le Pew.

Zis your minky? Bonjour, la classe.

And ze finishing touch for ze healthy puddings...

au revoir.

How you say in English,

apples and pears...stairs.

We all want to exercise, but does it have to be so hard?

I am worn out!

Well, now you don't need to be.

That's better!

The new exercise motorbike from Honduki.

0-60 in 3.5 seconds.

I used to struggle to do one mile a day.

Now I do 80 miles before breakfast!

Just relax and let the machine take the strain.

It's easy. I don't even break a sweat.

Plus, buy the exercise motorbike now,

and get this exercise motorboat half price!

Working out has never been such fun!

So join the Honduki exercise revolution now.

Are you feeling exhausted?

Stressed? Tired?

Or simply are a bit lazy?

Then come and relax at the Butterfield Spa!

My spa has so many different treatments.

It's almost impossible to count them all.

Five.

We have a strict non-nakedness policy to ensure you and me

do not get embarrassed whilst you're having your treatments.

I promise I won't look.

Sit back and relax at our state-of-the-art sorena.

And, while you're here, help yourself to a bowl of complimentary hot soup.

Ah. All the more for moi.

Don't worry, I'm a complete professional.

I'll just choose the right...ow.

Ow!

Ow!

Om.

And introducing...

For just £10, you can relax underneath this beauty balm.

Clinically proven by me to rejuvenate tired skin.

Can you hear me? I'm just about to put some more on.

But please, whatever you do, don't eat any.

I got it from a farm and I'm not sure which animal it belongs to.

And then it's just a visit to our deluxe shower rooms,

to leave you feeling completely refreshed.

Oh! Freezing!

The Butterfield Spa.

Call now!

(OK, we've got about five minutes left.)

-(SHOUTS) Has anyone seen my ball?

-(What's going on?)

Sliced it off the tee, in here somewhere. Oh, sorry to disturb.

You can't be in here, we're in the middle of an exam.

I'm supposed to be on the fairway. I think it's my grip.

-Too tight, I think.

-Your ball's not in here. We're in an exam.

Oh, there he is. OK.

I need to play it from where it lands.

Would you mind?

Thanks ever so much.

Hm, not a bad lie. What do you think?

Take a five iron?

-Please can you leave?

-Two secs.

Actually, would you mind?

You're in my line. Sorry to be a pest.

-Don't lose focus.

-It's very hard to focus when you keep on talking.

Now, please, a bit of quiet?

-Oh, towed it that time.

-MAN SHRIEKS IN PAIN

Oh, sorry, Mister...what's his name?

-That's our headmaster.

-Oh, dear.

-Sorry, Headmaster.

-Oh, ow!

Let's just forget about that, kids.

Um, I'm going to give you an extra five minutes.

Don't lose your concentration.

GLASS SMASHES

Sorry! Sorry!

Oh!

Thank you.

It's a new day in the Humiliating Bodies Clinic.

Doctor Steve is getting ready for his first patient.

You learn to come to work prepared for anything.

I mean, who knows what today might bring?

Somebody so overweight they have to be lifted by a crane?

Someone so small you need a microscope to see them?

Someone with extra limbs? Or extra heads!

Actually, that would be brilliant.

Can we get somebody with extra heads?

First in to see Doctor Steve is Jane.

Please, don't worry.

Your embarrassing problem will remain a secret between you, me,

and the watching public.

-I've got a growth. In the middle of my forehead.

-Brilliant.

-That's a spot.

-No, it's hideous.

I'll never go out again!

Is she the best we could get?

Next in to see Doctor Steve is Alan.

Tell me you've got some grotesque disfigurement.

Well, yes. Yes, I have.

-Amazing. Let's see it.

-I hope you've got a strong stomach.

Look at that hideous blue mark.

-Is there anything you can do to help?

-That's a bruise.

It's just a bruise. Get out.

Get out now or you'll be getting another one.

Can't we get somebody gross?

Last week we had that guy with the three buttocks.

Doctor Steve's next patient is Samantha.

Right. What can I do for you?

I've got one arm that's longer than the other.

Really? How much longer? A metre? Two metres?

I think we've got a live one!

Let's see the monster!

-See?

-Right. You're just holding your arms in different positions.

Anyone can do that. I can do that.

-Look.

-I'm not alone!

Oh, thank you, Doctor Steve.

Right. Yeah, whatever.

Just get out and stop wasting my time.

Wait! Come back!

She's got a tail!

Huh?

Let's play.

Kenny?

Kenny?

Where's Kenny?

Right. On second thoughts, I'll bring you on instead, Steve.

You join us this afternoon at the Stingray Memorial Aquatic Centre

for the second quarter final of the men's waiter polo.

And it's Italy versus USA today.

Both nations known for their excellent restaurant staff.

And this lot are no exception. There's Italy's star number three.

Gianni, from Cafe Rigoletto, known for his excellent espressos.

And on the other side there's the formidable number six.

Billy Bob from Hoakum's Hog Rack.

A man who can hold seven full plates at once, they say.

And the regulation temperature for waiter polo water

is, of course, tepid, to avoid any unwanted blanching.

And they've had their starters ordered...

BLOWS WHISTLE

And they're off!

The American making a very quick start with his plate of snails.

The sport of delivering food through water

has its origins, of course, in Venice.

But will the Italians win? Is waiter polo coming home?

Oh, no! Most emphatically not!

Lorenzo from Pizzeria-Smarelda has dropped his antipasti in the water!

-That's going to cost him ten penalty points.

-And most likely his tip.

Oh! Will you look at that? Someone's thrown a ball into the pool!

Quite unnecessary. There's no place for that in waiter polo!

Well, the Americans take top table.

But the Italians - a very soggy second.

Help! Help!

-Help!

-Help!

# Happy birthday to you! #

ALL: Hooray!

-That your birthday cake?

-Yeah.

-Oh, did Karen make it especially for you?

-Yeah.

-Looks lovely.

-Yeah.

Pity it's so bad for you.

-It's just cake.

-Yeah, but it's so bad for you.

What are you having?

I'm having an organic gluten-free snack

with reconstituted seaweed and leaf moss capsules.

And then just a load of cauliflower.

Mmm(!)

Sure you don't want a bit of cake?

Oh, I'd love to, but I can't. So bad for you. So bad!

Why, what does it do?

Couldn't tell you. It would ruin your birthday.

It inflates your body like a balloon and then your skin turns to slime.

-What?

-And then the slime turns to glue and you get stuck,

no matter where you are, even if you're on the toilet.

That's horrible.

And he only way to fix it is to stick a big injection into you.

Every day. Into your bum.

So bad!

Do you think Karen would be offended?

Ah, Karen will be fine! Don't you worry about Karen.

Oh, no! You just wipe that on there.

Go on, you just go and enjoy your birthday.

Group photo, everyone! >

Oh, group photo! Whoo!

Are you going to > come and join us?

Hm? What? Photo?

Yeah. Definitely.

How come they've got a Dec-athlon but not an Ant-athlon?

It's just wrong, man!

I want fishing to be an Olympic sport.

And it's not just me, I collected a list of names and it was this big!

The gold medal is ours for the taking, Ivan.

-You have taught her well.

-Yes.

For five years we have trained Olga

to be the greatest ice-skater in the world.

We have taught her jumps, turns, combinations,

crossovers, spins and lifts.

She has mastered the Lutz jump,

the Mohawk turn, the death spiral,

the Russian splits and the hair-cutter.

We have taught her everything there is to know about ice-skating...

Apart from how to stop.

Yes, the stopping could definitely do with some work.

Hi.

You've kicked your ball into my back garden

and you want me to go and get it. Is that right?

It's not the right ball? You're kidding me?

You're not kidding me. Right.

I'll go and get the right ball.

It's behind the shed.

What am I doing?

Right, that's the only other one. I'm actually very busy.

I'm not pushing it.

GLASS SMASHES

Oi! Who did that?!

BMX-jumping, on ice, over crocodiles.

Or do they already have that one?

In athletics, how cute would it be if we replaced the discus

with a Frisbee and the athlete with a dog?

GROWLS

Good heavens. There's a fly in my soup. There's a fly in my soup!

BLOWS WHISTLE

(AMERICAN ACCENT) Stand back!

I'm going to need some space, sir.

Come on, little guy. I am not going to lose you.

One, two, three, four.

BREATHES DEEPLY

One, two, three, four.

BREATHES DEEPLY

FLY BUZZES

Oh! He's going to be OK. He's going be OK.

APPLAUSE

Just doing my job.

Just doing my job.

SURPRISED CHEERING

Kenny?

Yes, boss?

Get yourself ready, son. I'm bringing you on.

You won't regret this! I'll do you proud! I'll run my legs off for you!

I'll give you 100%!

This will be the best decision you've ever made...

FINAL WHISTLE BLOWS

Well done, lads! Superb!

There we go. Nice!

Well done!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd