Episode 4 Fit


Episode 4

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LineFromTo

Hello, this is the Fit o'clock news. Our top stories today...

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There was a surprise at the Winter Olympics figure skating

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competition when Antarctica won its first-ever gold medal.

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There were emotional scenes at the end of the Royal Ballet's

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performance of Swan Lake, as a delighted crowd threw

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pieces of stale bread at the lead swan.

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And now athletics...

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We go live to the women's hammer throw in Helsinki.

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And the next to throw is Great Britain's Jennie Denner.

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She's last year's world champion, and here she goes.

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Round and round and round and round and round.

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Agh!

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And that was a lovely throw.

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And now straight from the women's hammer throw, it's Jennie Denner.

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Are you all right?

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Oh! Oh!

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-Now we go over to the... Oh!

-I'm going to be sick.

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Break it up, break it up.

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BELL RINGS

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What's going on out there, Mickey?

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I just don't think he likes me.

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What on earth would make you think that?

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He just keeps hitting me.

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We've talked about this before, haven't we, Mickey?

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-You take a bit of time to warm to.

-Well, yeah, but...

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I mean, when I first met you, I didn't like you, to be honest.

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-Really?

-Yeah, but then I got to know you,

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realised you're a really brilliant bloke.

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Now, get out there and show him how much fun you are.

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Yeah, I'm a nice guy.

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My mum says I'm a lovely lad. Why wouldn't he like me?

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That's the spirit, good boy.

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And before you know it, the two of you are going to become best mates.

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BELL RINGS

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All right, mate. Do you fancy going for a pizza?

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One, two...

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Welcome to Toast Hunting Live.

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We are in the kitchen of the old rectory.

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There have been reports of people seeing all sorts

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of toast in this room.

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A jammy toast, Marmite, and it feels like, any minute now,

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something's about to go crunch in the night.

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There's a...there's a real warm spot right around here, like,

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like, toast could pop up at any moment.

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CLICKING

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Ah, ah! What was that? What was that?

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I heard something, I definitely heard something.

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What do you want from us? Why are you here?

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Do you have unfinished breakfast?

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Nicky, I just wish you could make breakfast like a normal person.

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Sorry.

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THEY GROAN

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So, ladies, what have you enjoyed so far?

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I can't wait for the bit where the dogs walk around in a circle

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with their owners.

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I think you're thinking of a dog show, this is a fashion show.

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Oh. Well they should put a sign up.

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OK. Erm, there's been some interesting trends on the catwalk,

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what's particularly impressed you today?

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We really like the shoes, you know, the pointy ones.

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-With the silver bits on.

-Yeah, they were good.

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Yes, the Lotus Bud ankle boots by Sebastian Quail.

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They're a very original design, aren't they?

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You say that, but, in fact, they're not original, at all.

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It originated in China, in the first Shang Dynasty.

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In fact, if you go to the Imperial China rooms at the British Museum,

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you will see an exquisite pair, even more ornate.

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I mean, I like hats and shoes on dogs.

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THEY GIGGLE

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I'm so sorry, I was doing so well.

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I always make sure I eat my greens.

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Green jelly, green sweets, green ice cream.

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I never ever drink cans of sugary drinks.

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I always pour them in a glass first.

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I only eat natural food that I've caught with this.

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So I'm starving.

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SMATTER OF APPLAUSE

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-The game we've been waiting all season for.

-ALL: Yes!

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They've been giving it all that in the press, but talk is cheap.

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What counts is what happens on that pitch.

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I want you to go out there and make me proud.

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THEY CHEER

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-Er, boss, what's with the shirts?

-It's our new away strip.

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I can't wear yellow, can I?

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Horizontal stripes, will that make me look a bit big?

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You're a prop, you're meant to look big.

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Are you saying I look fat?

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Vertical stripes would be all right, but I'm pear shaped,

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a lot of the scrum are.

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Forget about the kit, just focus on the game.

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Couldn't we wear our normal sky blue tops?

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THEY ALL MURMUR

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No, they're wearing blue, you'll get confused. Stop fussing.

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This is what you're wearing, so go out there and play some rugby.

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Sorry, boss, I think I overdid the moisturiser.

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You can't overdo the moisturiser.

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-Yeah, your skin's in great condition.

-Oh, thanks.

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-Sorry, lads, the match is off.

-Why? Is the pitch unplayable?

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No, the pitch is fine,

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there's just no way I'm going out there wearing this top.

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-It's so last year.

-It's not exactly flattering, is it?

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The Misspelt Games!

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You join us back at the Van Halen athletics track, for the second

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round of the shoe jumping.

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And this is Clemency Clementine, the USA's number two shoe jumper.

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She qualified with a jump of 14 open-toed sandals.

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Let's see if she can beat that.

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Getting psyched. She knows this is a lot to ask.

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More shoes than a fashion millipede.

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These are espadrilles, size 12s, that's a big shoe.

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At this level of competition, you've got to expect a challenge.

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With Kanichi of Japan clearing that pair of clown shoes,

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she's got to pull something spectacular out of the bag.

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Oh, she's caught the toe!

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And in this game, just as in ballroom dancing,

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you just don't tread on the toes.

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Maybe she should have gone for flip flops.

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Sorry, Miss, I can't do basketball today. I've got a urine infection.

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Yeah, Miss, I can't do it either, because my nose is full of air

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and there's loads of air just rushing through my nose.

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SHE SNIFFS

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That's the thing about spray tan, you look great without

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getting food poisoning from those nasty foreign places.

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-See you in a couple of weeks, Linda.

-Thanks, bye.

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Yes, how can I help you?

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No?

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OK, I'd like to make a complaint about your half-price deal.

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What seems to be the problem?

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What seems to be the problem?!

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Mate, count yourself lucky you didn't go for the 10% off deal.

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Hiya.

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Hiya. Just, er, stretching my hamstrings.

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Good idea. You don't want tight hamstrings on the old 5K run.

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I bought an isotonic sports drink.

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Perfect. You've got to stay hydrated on a run.

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Look what came for me in the post this morning -

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a pedometer, with an inbuilt heart monitor.

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Oh. I've got an app on my phone for logging our progress.

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-Our first run will be the time to beat.

-First run of many.

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And we've got the cake for afterwards...

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-..because exercise is all about treats and rewards.

-Exactly.

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Right, let's do this, come on.

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-Get in.

-Have it.

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-Does that look like rain to you?

-It does look a bit ominous, yeah.

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-Shall we reschedule until tomorrow?

-Well, I'm free.

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We should probably still eat that cake, though.

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Otherwise, it'll go stale.

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I'll get the cream.

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TRILLING AND WHISTLING

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Ha, ha.

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HE HUMS AND PURRS

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Ahhh. Huh!

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HE GIGGLES

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HE TRILLS AND GIGGLES

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HE LAUGHS

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Woo!

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FISH CLINKS

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INDISTINCT TALKING

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Hey!

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Sorry, we won't be a moment.

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What can I do for you?

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Oh, nothing. I'm just hanging about. I'm blue! Blue! Blue!

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Blue! Blue! Your tanning booth sprayed me blue.

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Are you sure you weren't like that when you came in?

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I'm not a Smurf! Your machine did this to me.

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-Right, Tanya?

-Yeah?

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What did you fill booth three's tank with?

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I took a pot of 12% Californian from the pile.

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I think I might know what happened here.

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I thought you were great in Avatar.

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New from Fun Cereals comes the latest fun healthy breakfast cereal.

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Fudge Hippos. Made out of the purest lumps of healthy fudge.

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Fudge Hippos contains 2,000% of your daily fudge allowance,

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making them great for growing bones and teeth. Am I right?

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-No.

-Shh. All our cereals are great for your health.

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Like Fizzy Fun Balls with bags of glucose, sucrose and fructose,

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for the vitality you need to do normal stuff, like

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playing, working and running around in circles screaming your head off.

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THEY SCREAM Why not try Random Glowers?

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They glow in the dark, but it's probably fine.

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And for a snack on the go, grab a bottle of Fizzy Milk,

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packed full of bubbles just like nature intended.

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I feel sick.

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Remember, all our products are certified healthy

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by the British Society of Blah Blah Blah Who Cares?

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So ignore what she says and buy Fudge Hippos.

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THEY VOMIT

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They've been sick on my shoes.

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'Fudge Hippos, they're good for you. Honest.'

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Had enough of going to the gym?

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Want to work out in the comfort of your own accommodation?

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Or just terrified of the outside world?

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Well, now you can keep fit all by yourself with

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the Butterfield Bootcamp Fitness DVD.

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'Simply take it out of its DVD case, check there aren't too many

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'scratches, shake off the dust , then pop it into your DVD player.

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'Press play, press eject, make double sure you've got all

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'the dust off, put it back in your DVD player, press play

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'and wait ten minutes for the disc to be recognised.'

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Let's get fit.

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'There are over 14 fitness moves for you to watch

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'and copy with your own body, including shoe stuck in glue,

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'exercising pirate,

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'super person,

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'upside down super person,

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'spider on the floor,

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'lost in fog,

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'upside down ghost bicycle.'

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And that's just the warm up.

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'Hanging on the washing line.

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'Keyboard, keyboard and mouse,

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'DJ,

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'mechanical man,

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'running from zombie,

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'standing still,

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'the fast asleep man.'

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And that's still just the warm up.

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'Cowboy,

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'moon man,

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'feet on top of your head,

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hear no evil,

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'Mr Knotty,

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'boulder kicks.'

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Oh!

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Remember, any boulder will do, but if you have to borrow a boulder

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please remember to ask the boulder owner's permission first.

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That's the end of it. Please make sure to rewind your DVD.

0:13:290:13:35

If you order now, I will send you a glass of water absolutely free.

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Although, can you send the glass back to me

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after you've swallowed the water as it's the only one in my kitchen.

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Call now.

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Dad, can I have a hot dog?

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Now, Nancy, you know what your mum said.

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She was very clear.

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-You're only supposed to have healthy nutritional food.

-I know.

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That's why I want a hot dog, they're full of goodness.

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No, that can't be right, can it?

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Yeah, between the bun and the sausage you've got 100%

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of your recommended daily allowance of selenium,

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which helps my thyroid function properly,

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and over 40% of my daily sodium needs.

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Not to mention the 11 grams of protein that'll help me grow.

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But aren't they quite high in fat?

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Yeah, but they're also high in magnesium and the government says we

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need more magnesium in our diet to help grow healthy bones and teeth.

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-But what about all of the salt?

-I know, great, right?

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Too much salt is bad for you, isn't it?

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Yeah, but on a hot day like this, when we're sweating so much,

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we've got to replace that salt, somehow.

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-Do you want me getting cramp?

-No, obviously not.

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Right, then.

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One hotdog, please.

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With loads of tomato sauce and onions. That's two of my five a day.

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Oh, great. Good girl.

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PHONE RINGS

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It's your mother. Hello, Susan.

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Yeah, we're just getting some lunch now.

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No, no, no, we're doing exactly as you said.

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We're having hot dogs.

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'Hot dogs?! What do you mean, hot dogs?!'

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Yes. Yeah, quite. OK. Yeah, yeah, right away.

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Er. Nancy...

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Ow!

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Check it. Look like we've got ourselves a wannabe.

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Say the thing, say the thing.

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Hi, guys. My name's Mark and I really want to be part of the crew.

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But it's not that easy.

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You see, we've got certain standards.

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He looks OK at top, but check the bottom, though.

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-Oh, my days!

-No way.

-If you want to join the crew...

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ALL: You've gotta change the shoe.

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-What's wrong with my shoes?

-What's wrong with them?

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They make me want to be sick on them, bruv.

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In fact, I might just do them, to make them look better.

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Ooh! Look at your laces, shorty.

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Those laces are like from the Ice Age, man. What is he like?

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That is how woolly mammoths tie their trainers, innit?

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No-one's got those laces anymore. Jermaine's got criss-cross,

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Chantelle's got traditional European.

0:16:060:16:09

My top girl's got swan lacing and Jamal's got invisible laces.

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No, I just forgot 'em.

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And as for me, check it, Eiffel Tower lacing.

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Come back when you sort out your kicks, man.

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If you ain't tied the lace, you best hide your face, boy.

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-Eiffel Tower lace is rather nice.

-Yeah.

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I'd love to go to New York.

0:16:270:16:29

Yeah, I'm on a raw food diet.

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At the moment I'm really into raw toast, hard core.

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I only eat macrobiotic foods, they're free of additives,

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preservatives and taste.

0:16:410:16:44

Just because I'm an international footballing superstar

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doesn't mean I've forgotten where I came from.

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My favourite food is still fish and chips,

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prepared by my chef in my mansion.

0:16:520:16:54

OK, guys, well done. OK, here we go. Are you all ready?

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Yeah, you all pumped?

0:17:000:17:01

OK, guys, we're going to start simple, OK.

0:17:010:17:04

And forward, forward, jab, jab.

0:17:040:17:05

We're going to go back, back, we're going to do jab, jab.

0:17:050:17:08

Julie, I like it, that's great stuff.

0:17:080:17:11

HER STOMACH GRUMBLES

0:17:110:17:12

Oh, all right, and don't forget to breathe, guys, yeah?

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In through the nose, out through the mouth. That is just awesome.

0:17:150:17:19

James, you hero. You're going to do me

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out of a job with strong jabbing like that. OK.

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HER STOMACH GRUMBLES

0:17:240:17:25

Oh, OK. I'm just going to nip outside but you guys keep going.

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I'll be back in a tick. Don't forget to breathe, guys, OK.

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Oh, my tummy.

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SHE BREAKS WIND

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Oh, struth, that is mega.

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BREAKING WIND CONTINUES

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Oh, that really smells.

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BREAKING WIND CONTINUES

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That must be it now. No, there's another little one.

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Relief, sweet, sweet relief. Right, OK. Back to class.

0:17:510:17:54

All right, guys. Yeah, well done.

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All right, that's great stuff there.

0:17:580:18:00

OK, we've got to go sideways jab, OK?

0:18:000:18:03

Oh, don't worry about that smell there, guys,

0:18:030:18:06

they're just, erm, clearing out the drains.

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Right, and don't forget to breathe.

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It's just in through the...mouth, out through the mouth.

0:18:110:18:16

All right, James, keep going. Don't be a drama queen.

0:18:160:18:19

Sorry.

0:18:200:18:22

Do you want a bag? They're 10p each.

0:18:280:18:31

10p? No, I'm fine, thanks.

0:18:310:18:33

That's £9.90 please.

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Here's your 10p change.

0:18:530:18:55

ITEMS THUD ON THE FLOOR

0:18:550:18:57

You sure you don't want a bag?

0:18:570:18:59

This is Bruce.

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Last year, he was involved in a near-fatal shark attack.

0:19:100:19:13

I was surfing off Kulamanga Beach

0:19:130:19:16

when suddenly this shark appeared out of nowhere.

0:19:160:19:20

He must have been 10 metres long and had a mouth like Christine Bleakley.

0:19:200:19:25

He just came at me and I jumped off the board and swam for my life.

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I got away, just, but you should see what he did to my board.

0:19:290:19:33

Bruce saw the horror of that day around every corner.

0:19:350:19:38

Shark! Shark! It's her! He's found me, he's here!

0:19:390:19:44

It's just a door! Mwah. Sorry.

0:19:450:19:51

Bruce became so scared he couldn't leave the house.

0:19:520:19:56

Oh, my...shark.

0:19:580:20:01

-HE SIGHS

-Oh, it wasn't.

0:20:030:20:06

It got to the point where Bruce didn't feel safe in his own home.

0:20:060:20:09

HE SIGHS

0:20:150:20:17

But now Bruce is about to turn his life around.

0:20:170:20:21

Three weeks ago, Bruce sought help from Dr Tristam Wellington,

0:20:210:20:25

the leading specialist in zoological fears and phobias.

0:20:250:20:28

Dr Tristam has been brilliant.

0:20:280:20:30

I looked into what he said and it's true, there are no sharks

0:20:300:20:33

living in my local area, it really is just in my head.

0:20:330:20:37

This is the most important day of his recovery.

0:20:370:20:39

I want to see how he reacts

0:20:390:20:41

when he comes face to face with a real shark.

0:20:410:20:45

So will Bruce overcome his fear?

0:20:450:20:49

Doctor, I can see a shark in the pool.

0:20:490:20:51

Yes, and how does that make you feel?

0:20:510:20:53

Great, because now I know it's all in my head.

0:20:530:20:55

Erm, no, no, no, no!

0:20:550:20:58

See, I'm not even scared!

0:21:000:21:02

Well, you should be! There's a dirty great shark in the pool.

0:21:020:21:05

-What?

-Hit him in the nose! They hate that.

0:21:050:21:09

Just remember, he's more afraid of you than you are of him.

0:21:090:21:14

Er, maybe not.

0:21:140:21:16

Stay still, stay still.

0:21:160:21:19

Right, I'll go and get some help.

0:21:190:21:21

Wannabe Mark is back. He ain't no quitter boy.

0:21:260:21:29

Tell it.

0:21:290:21:30

Yeah, I've changed me shoe laces. They look like spiders' webs.

0:21:300:21:33

Can I be in the crew now?

0:21:330:21:35

What is you thinking? No-one cares about shoe laces anymore.

0:21:350:21:39

-We is treading shoe boxes.

-It's the latest trend, shorty.

0:21:390:21:42

People are trying to keep their kicks box fresh.

0:21:420:21:44

Well, we keep our kicks fresh in the box.

0:21:440:21:47

This way we don't get 'em mash up and dirty,

0:21:490:21:52

expose them to the elements, innit?

0:21:520:21:54

I'm fine, I'm fine. I meant to do that.

0:21:540:21:57

Sorry, Miss, I can't do netball today.

0:22:020:22:04

I'm doing work experience all afternoon at an old peoples' home.

0:22:040:22:08

180!

0:22:280:22:30

CHEERING

0:22:300:22:32

180!

0:22:450:22:47

CHEERING

0:22:470:22:49

No, it wasn't. Two double 20s and a five.

0:22:490:22:52

-180!

-Add them up.

0:22:520:22:56

Sorry, I'm new. I thought my job was just shouting "180!"

0:22:560:23:02

It isn't. You have to add up the score.

0:23:020:23:04

Right, maths. Erm, so there's a 20, there's another 20,

0:23:040:23:09

er, but that's in the red bit, so add the five.

0:23:090:23:12

Has anyone got a calculator on their phone?

0:23:120:23:15

-It's 85.

-Absolutely.

0:23:150:23:17

Now, you have to take it off his score.

0:23:170:23:19

I've got to do minusing as well as plussing?

0:23:190:23:22

I didn't sign up for this.

0:23:220:23:23

Yes, you did. You're a darts referee.

0:23:230:23:26

You just don't just shout "180."

0:23:260:23:28

Well, I would if you were any good at darts.

0:23:280:23:31

Agh!

0:23:520:23:54

OK, girls, quieten down. Hi, we're here for the netball tournament.

0:23:570:24:01

There is no netball tournament today.

0:24:010:24:03

Are you sure? The under 15's netball tournament?

0:24:030:24:06

Heats start at 4.00 in the sports hall.

0:24:060:24:08

It's off, been cancelled.

0:24:080:24:10

There was a flood and then a power cut and then a fire.

0:24:100:24:14

So you can all go home and have fun. Hooray!

0:24:140:24:17

Well, that's really disappointing for the girls.

0:24:170:24:19

-SHE CACKLES

-Yeah, I bet.

0:24:190:24:21

-No, they were really looking forward to it.

-What? Really?

0:24:210:24:24

Yeah, they've been practising after school for weeks.

0:24:240:24:27

Right, look, I'll sort this out, yeah?

0:24:270:24:30

What are you doing?

0:24:320:24:34

It's after school.

0:24:340:24:36

You don't want to be wasting your time doing netball,

0:24:360:24:40

you could be doing anything.

0:24:400:24:42

You could be down the shopping centre or watching telly,

0:24:420:24:45

-talking about boys.

-Er, sorry, can we...?

0:24:450:24:48

There's no boys in there if that's what you're thinking.

0:24:480:24:51

I am serious, none.

0:24:510:24:52

You'll be in there going, "Oh, over here, over here.

0:24:520:24:56

"To me, to me," for hours for nothing.

0:24:560:24:59

I was in there earlier and that's all they were doing.

0:24:590:25:01

I saw it with my own eyes, girls.

0:25:010:25:03

A-ha! So there are teams already in there!

0:25:030:25:06

Yeah, but they'll have already started by now.

0:25:060:25:09

Right. Come on, girls, quickly.

0:25:090:25:11

No, run for the hills, there's still time.

0:25:110:25:13

You should be hanging out around the bus shelter!

0:25:130:25:16

Oh, honestly, there's no helping some people sometimes.

0:25:160:25:19

Apparently, someone's hidden all the netballs.

0:25:230:25:26

Hidden all the netballs?!

0:25:260:25:28

Have you tried, erm, under the... There's a shelf thing round there.

0:25:280:25:34

What did the netball look like again?

0:25:340:25:36

I could never quite remember.

0:25:360:25:38

Wannabe Mark is back.

0:25:450:25:47

I am Mark and I wannabe part of the crew.

0:25:470:25:50

But he can't, because he has disgraced himself again.

0:25:500:25:54

-What? I'm wearing the boxes.

-Yeah, but they're getting all dirty.

0:25:540:25:58

Get yourself some shoe box protection, bro.

0:25:580:26:01

Then you can hang with the crew.

0:26:010:26:03

If you can keep up, bruv.

0:26:030:26:05

Why don't we bag out, man?

0:26:050:26:07

Lates, yeah?

0:26:090:26:10

Yeah, I'm pretty healthy. I eat a lot of salad.

0:26:130:26:16

Erm, bacon salad, hamburger salad, pizza salad,

0:26:160:26:19

and then round it off with a chocolate salad for dessert.

0:26:190:26:22

I'm a very light eater.

0:26:220:26:23

As soon as it gets light, I start eating.

0:26:230:26:25

I do eat a lot of junk food but I work it off playing tennis,

0:26:250:26:29

football and loads of other computer games.

0:26:290:26:32

No, no, no, no! I don't believe you, ref.

0:26:400:26:43

How did you miss that?

0:26:430:26:45

You going to get a single decision right today?

0:26:450:26:47

# You're rubbish and you know you are

0:26:470:26:50

# You're rubbish and you know you are... #

0:26:500:26:52

Oi, ref! There's an optician's in the High Street,

0:26:530:26:56

do you want me to give you a lift?

0:26:560:26:58

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-Penalty!

0:26:580:27:00

A penalty? That was never a penalty in a million years.

0:27:000:27:03

What are you thinking, ref?

0:27:030:27:04

Are you always this stupid or is it just today or something?

0:27:040:27:07

Right. That's quite enough. You do this every week.

0:27:070:27:10

None of the other parents hurl insults,

0:27:100:27:12

so I'm asking you nicely for the last time, Dad, please stop it.

0:27:120:27:17

Sorry, son. I get a bit over-excited when I come and watch you.

0:27:170:27:21

Just rein it in a bit, yeah? And stop embarrassing me, OK?

0:27:210:27:24

I can't help it.

0:27:240:27:26

I get so excited when I see my son, my son in a referee kit.

0:27:260:27:31

-Oh, give us a hug.

-Stop it, Dad.

0:27:310:27:33

Sorry.

0:27:330:27:36

Good luck.

0:27:360:27:37

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-Penalty!

0:27:390:27:42

A penalty! That was never a penalty, get some specs, ref!

0:27:420:27:46

That's my boy.

0:27:460:27:49

You've got to be kidding me, ref.

0:27:490:27:51

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