Episode 4 Fit

Hello, this is the Fit o'clock news. Our top stories today...

There was a surprise at the Winter Olympics figure skating

competition when Antarctica won its first-ever gold medal.

There were emotional scenes at the end of the Royal Ballet's

performance of Swan Lake, as a delighted crowd threw

pieces of stale bread at the lead swan.

And now athletics...

We go live to the women's hammer throw in Helsinki.

And the next to throw is Great Britain's Jennie Denner.

She's last year's world champion, and here she goes.

Round and round and round and round and round.

Agh!

And that was a lovely throw.

And now straight from the women's hammer throw, it's Jennie Denner.

Are you all right?

Oh! Oh!

-Now we go over to the... Oh!

-I'm going to be sick.

Break it up, break it up.

BELL RINGS

What's going on out there, Mickey?

I just don't think he likes me.

What on earth would make you think that?

He just keeps hitting me.

We've talked about this before, haven't we, Mickey?

-You take a bit of time to warm to.

-Well, yeah, but...

I mean, when I first met you, I didn't like you, to be honest.

-Really?

-Yeah, but then I got to know you,

realised you're a really brilliant bloke.

Now, get out there and show him how much fun you are.

Yeah, I'm a nice guy.

My mum says I'm a lovely lad. Why wouldn't he like me?

That's the spirit, good boy.

And before you know it, the two of you are going to become best mates.

BELL RINGS

All right, mate. Do you fancy going for a pizza?

One, two...

Welcome to Toast Hunting Live.

We are in the kitchen of the old rectory.

There have been reports of people seeing all sorts

of toast in this room.

A jammy toast, Marmite, and it feels like, any minute now,

something's about to go crunch in the night.

There's a...there's a real warm spot right around here, like,

like, toast could pop up at any moment.

CLICKING

Ah, ah! What was that? What was that?

I heard something, I definitely heard something.

What do you want from us? Why are you here?

Do you have unfinished breakfast?

Nicky, I just wish you could make breakfast like a normal person.

Sorry.

THEY GROAN

So, ladies, what have you enjoyed so far?

I can't wait for the bit where the dogs walk around in a circle

with their owners.

I think you're thinking of a dog show, this is a fashion show.

Oh. Well they should put a sign up.

OK. Erm, there's been some interesting trends on the catwalk,

what's particularly impressed you today?

We really like the shoes, you know, the pointy ones.

-With the silver bits on.

-Yeah, they were good.

Yes, the Lotus Bud ankle boots by Sebastian Quail.

They're a very original design, aren't they?

You say that, but, in fact, they're not original, at all.

It originated in China, in the first Shang Dynasty.

In fact, if you go to the Imperial China rooms at the British Museum,

you will see an exquisite pair, even more ornate.

I mean, I like hats and shoes on dogs.

THEY GIGGLE

I'm so sorry, I was doing so well.

I always make sure I eat my greens.

Green jelly, green sweets, green ice cream.

I never ever drink cans of sugary drinks.

I always pour them in a glass first.

I only eat natural food that I've caught with this.

So I'm starving.

SMATTER OF APPLAUSE

-The game we've been waiting all season for.

-ALL: Yes!

They've been giving it all that in the press, but talk is cheap.

What counts is what happens on that pitch.

I want you to go out there and make me proud.

THEY CHEER

-Er, boss, what's with the shirts?

-It's our new away strip.

I can't wear yellow, can I?

Horizontal stripes, will that make me look a bit big?

You're a prop, you're meant to look big.

Are you saying I look fat?

Vertical stripes would be all right, but I'm pear shaped,

a lot of the scrum are.

Forget about the kit, just focus on the game.

Couldn't we wear our normal sky blue tops?

THEY ALL MURMUR

No, they're wearing blue, you'll get confused. Stop fussing.

This is what you're wearing, so go out there and play some rugby.

Sorry, boss, I think I overdid the moisturiser.

You can't overdo the moisturiser.

-Yeah, your skin's in great condition.

-Oh, thanks.

-Sorry, lads, the match is off.

-Why? Is the pitch unplayable?

No, the pitch is fine,

there's just no way I'm going out there wearing this top.

-It's so last year.

-It's not exactly flattering, is it?

The Misspelt Games!

You join us back at the Van Halen athletics track, for the second

round of the shoe jumping.

And this is Clemency Clementine, the USA's number two shoe jumper.

She qualified with a jump of 14 open-toed sandals.

Let's see if she can beat that.

Getting psyched. She knows this is a lot to ask.

More shoes than a fashion millipede.

These are espadrilles, size 12s, that's a big shoe.

At this level of competition, you've got to expect a challenge.

With Kanichi of Japan clearing that pair of clown shoes,

she's got to pull something spectacular out of the bag.

Oh, she's caught the toe!

And in this game, just as in ballroom dancing,

you just don't tread on the toes.

Maybe she should have gone for flip flops.

Sorry, Miss, I can't do basketball today. I've got a urine infection.

Yeah, Miss, I can't do it either, because my nose is full of air

and there's loads of air just rushing through my nose.

SHE SNIFFS

That's the thing about spray tan, you look great without

getting food poisoning from those nasty foreign places.

-See you in a couple of weeks, Linda.

-Thanks, bye.

Yes, how can I help you?

No?

OK, I'd like to make a complaint about your half-price deal.

What seems to be the problem?

What seems to be the problem?!

Mate, count yourself lucky you didn't go for the 10% off deal.

Hiya.

Hiya. Just, er, stretching my hamstrings.

Good idea. You don't want tight hamstrings on the old 5K run.

I bought an isotonic sports drink.

Perfect. You've got to stay hydrated on a run.

Look what came for me in the post this morning -

a pedometer, with an inbuilt heart monitor.

Oh. I've got an app on my phone for logging our progress.

-Our first run will be the time to beat.

-First run of many.

And we've got the cake for afterwards...

-..because exercise is all about treats and rewards.

-Exactly.

Right, let's do this, come on.

-Get in.

-Have it.

-Does that look like rain to you?

-It does look a bit ominous, yeah.

-Shall we reschedule until tomorrow?

-Well, I'm free.

We should probably still eat that cake, though.

Otherwise, it'll go stale.

I'll get the cream.

TRILLING AND WHISTLING

Ha, ha.

HE HUMS AND PURRS

Ahhh. Huh!

HE GIGGLES

HE TRILLS AND GIGGLES

HE LAUGHS

Woo!

FISH CLINKS

INDISTINCT TALKING

Hey!

Sorry, we won't be a moment.

What can I do for you?

Oh, nothing. I'm just hanging about. I'm blue! Blue! Blue!

Blue! Blue! Your tanning booth sprayed me blue.

Are you sure you weren't like that when you came in?

I'm not a Smurf! Your machine did this to me.

-Right, Tanya?

-Yeah?

What did you fill booth three's tank with?

I took a pot of 12% Californian from the pile.

I think I might know what happened here.

I thought you were great in Avatar.

New from Fun Cereals comes the latest fun healthy breakfast cereal.

Fudge Hippos. Made out of the purest lumps of healthy fudge.

Fudge Hippos contains 2,000% of your daily fudge allowance,

making them great for growing bones and teeth. Am I right?

-No.

-Shh. All our cereals are great for your health.

Like Fizzy Fun Balls with bags of glucose, sucrose and fructose,

for the vitality you need to do normal stuff, like

playing, working and running around in circles screaming your head off.

THEY SCREAM Why not try Random Glowers?

They glow in the dark, but it's probably fine.

And for a snack on the go, grab a bottle of Fizzy Milk,

packed full of bubbles just like nature intended.

I feel sick.

Remember, all our products are certified healthy

by the British Society of Blah Blah Blah Who Cares?

So ignore what she says and buy Fudge Hippos.

THEY VOMIT

They've been sick on my shoes.

'Fudge Hippos, they're good for you. Honest.'

Had enough of going to the gym?

Want to work out in the comfort of your own accommodation?

Or just terrified of the outside world?

Well, now you can keep fit all by yourself with

the Butterfield Bootcamp Fitness DVD.

'Simply take it out of its DVD case, check there aren't too many

'scratches, shake off the dust , then pop it into your DVD player.

'Press play, press eject, make double sure you've got all

'the dust off, put it back in your DVD player, press play

'and wait ten minutes for the disc to be recognised.'

Let's get fit.

'There are over 14 fitness moves for you to watch

'and copy with your own body, including shoe stuck in glue,

'exercising pirate,

'super person,

'upside down super person,

'spider on the floor,

'lost in fog,

'upside down ghost bicycle.'

And that's just the warm up.

'Hanging on the washing line.

'Keyboard, keyboard and mouse,

'DJ,

'mechanical man,

'running from zombie,

'standing still,

'the fast asleep man.'

And that's still just the warm up.

'Cowboy,

'moon man,

'feet on top of your head,

hear no evil,

'Mr Knotty,

'boulder kicks.'

Oh!

Remember, any boulder will do, but if you have to borrow a boulder

please remember to ask the boulder owner's permission first.

That's the end of it. Please make sure to rewind your DVD.

If you order now, I will send you a glass of water absolutely free.

Although, can you send the glass back to me

after you've swallowed the water as it's the only one in my kitchen.

Call now.

Dad, can I have a hot dog?

Now, Nancy, you know what your mum said.

She was very clear.

-You're only supposed to have healthy nutritional food.

-I know.

That's why I want a hot dog, they're full of goodness.

No, that can't be right, can it?

Yeah, between the bun and the sausage you've got 100%

of your recommended daily allowance of selenium,

which helps my thyroid function properly,

and over 40% of my daily sodium needs.

Not to mention the 11 grams of protein that'll help me grow.

But aren't they quite high in fat?

Yeah, but they're also high in magnesium and the government says we

need more magnesium in our diet to help grow healthy bones and teeth.

-But what about all of the salt?

-I know, great, right?

Too much salt is bad for you, isn't it?

Yeah, but on a hot day like this, when we're sweating so much,

we've got to replace that salt, somehow.

-Do you want me getting cramp?

-No, obviously not.

Right, then.

One hotdog, please.

With loads of tomato sauce and onions. That's two of my five a day.

Oh, great. Good girl.

PHONE RINGS

It's your mother. Hello, Susan.

Yeah, we're just getting some lunch now.

No, no, no, we're doing exactly as you said.

We're having hot dogs.

'Hot dogs?! What do you mean, hot dogs?!'

Yes. Yeah, quite. OK. Yeah, yeah, right away.

Er. Nancy...

Ow!

Check it. Look like we've got ourselves a wannabe.

Say the thing, say the thing.

Hi, guys. My name's Mark and I really want to be part of the crew.

But it's not that easy.

You see, we've got certain standards.

He looks OK at top, but check the bottom, though.

-Oh, my days!

-No way.

-If you want to join the crew...

ALL: You've gotta change the shoe.

-What's wrong with my shoes?

-What's wrong with them?

They make me want to be sick on them, bruv.

In fact, I might just do them, to make them look better.

Ooh! Look at your laces, shorty.

Those laces are like from the Ice Age, man. What is he like?

That is how woolly mammoths tie their trainers, innit?

No-one's got those laces anymore. Jermaine's got criss-cross,

Chantelle's got traditional European.

My top girl's got swan lacing and Jamal's got invisible laces.

No, I just forgot 'em.

And as for me, check it, Eiffel Tower lacing.

Come back when you sort out your kicks, man.

If you ain't tied the lace, you best hide your face, boy.

-Eiffel Tower lace is rather nice.

-Yeah.

I'd love to go to New York.

Yeah, I'm on a raw food diet.

At the moment I'm really into raw toast, hard core.

I only eat macrobiotic foods, they're free of additives,

preservatives and taste.

Just because I'm an international footballing superstar

doesn't mean I've forgotten where I came from.

My favourite food is still fish and chips,

prepared by my chef in my mansion.

OK, guys, well done. OK, here we go. Are you all ready?

Yeah, you all pumped?

OK, guys, we're going to start simple, OK.

And forward, forward, jab, jab.

We're going to go back, back, we're going to do jab, jab.

Julie, I like it, that's great stuff.

HER STOMACH GRUMBLES

Oh, all right, and don't forget to breathe, guys, yeah?

In through the nose, out through the mouth. That is just awesome.

James, you hero. You're going to do me

out of a job with strong jabbing like that. OK.

HER STOMACH GRUMBLES

Oh, OK. I'm just going to nip outside but you guys keep going.

I'll be back in a tick. Don't forget to breathe, guys, OK.

Oh, my tummy.

SHE BREAKS WIND

Oh, struth, that is mega.

BREAKING WIND CONTINUES

Oh, that really smells.

BREAKING WIND CONTINUES

That must be it now. No, there's another little one.

Relief, sweet, sweet relief. Right, OK. Back to class.

All right, guys. Yeah, well done.

All right, that's great stuff there.

OK, we've got to go sideways jab, OK?

Oh, don't worry about that smell there, guys,

they're just, erm, clearing out the drains.

Right, and don't forget to breathe.

It's just in through the...mouth, out through the mouth.

All right, James, keep going. Don't be a drama queen.

Sorry.

Do you want a bag? They're 10p each.

10p? No, I'm fine, thanks.

That's £9.90 please.

Here's your 10p change.

ITEMS THUD ON THE FLOOR

You sure you don't want a bag?

This is Bruce.

Last year, he was involved in a near-fatal shark attack.

I was surfing off Kulamanga Beach

when suddenly this shark appeared out of nowhere.

He must have been 10 metres long and had a mouth like Christine Bleakley.

He just came at me and I jumped off the board and swam for my life.

I got away, just, but you should see what he did to my board.

Bruce saw the horror of that day around every corner.

Shark! Shark! It's her! He's found me, he's here!

It's just a door! Mwah. Sorry.

Bruce became so scared he couldn't leave the house.

Oh, my...shark.

-HE SIGHS

-Oh, it wasn't.

It got to the point where Bruce didn't feel safe in his own home.

HE SIGHS

But now Bruce is about to turn his life around.

Three weeks ago, Bruce sought help from Dr Tristam Wellington,

the leading specialist in zoological fears and phobias.

Dr Tristam has been brilliant.

I looked into what he said and it's true, there are no sharks

living in my local area, it really is just in my head.

This is the most important day of his recovery.

I want to see how he reacts

when he comes face to face with a real shark.

So will Bruce overcome his fear?

Doctor, I can see a shark in the pool.

Yes, and how does that make you feel?

Great, because now I know it's all in my head.

Erm, no, no, no, no!

See, I'm not even scared!

Well, you should be! There's a dirty great shark in the pool.

-What?

-Hit him in the nose! They hate that.

Just remember, he's more afraid of you than you are of him.

Er, maybe not.

Stay still, stay still.

Right, I'll go and get some help.

Wannabe Mark is back. He ain't no quitter boy.

Tell it.

Yeah, I've changed me shoe laces. They look like spiders' webs.

Can I be in the crew now?

What is you thinking? No-one cares about shoe laces anymore.

-We is treading shoe boxes.

-It's the latest trend, shorty.

People are trying to keep their kicks box fresh.

Well, we keep our kicks fresh in the box.

This way we don't get 'em mash up and dirty,

expose them to the elements, innit?

I'm fine, I'm fine. I meant to do that.

Sorry, Miss, I can't do netball today.

I'm doing work experience all afternoon at an old peoples' home.

180!

CHEERING

180!

CHEERING

No, it wasn't. Two double 20s and a five.

-180!

-Add them up.

Sorry, I'm new. I thought my job was just shouting "180!"

It isn't. You have to add up the score.

Right, maths. Erm, so there's a 20, there's another 20,

er, but that's in the red bit, so add the five.

Has anyone got a calculator on their phone?

-It's 85.

-Absolutely.

Now, you have to take it off his score.

I've got to do minusing as well as plussing?

I didn't sign up for this.

Yes, you did. You're a darts referee.

You just don't just shout "180."

Well, I would if you were any good at darts.

Agh!

OK, girls, quieten down. Hi, we're here for the netball tournament.

There is no netball tournament today.

Are you sure? The under 15's netball tournament?

Heats start at 4.00 in the sports hall.

It's off, been cancelled.

There was a flood and then a power cut and then a fire.

So you can all go home and have fun. Hooray!

Well, that's really disappointing for the girls.

-SHE CACKLES

-Yeah, I bet.

-No, they were really looking forward to it.

-What? Really?

Yeah, they've been practising after school for weeks.

Right, look, I'll sort this out, yeah?

What are you doing?

It's after school.

You don't want to be wasting your time doing netball,

you could be doing anything.

You could be down the shopping centre or watching telly,

-talking about boys.

-Er, sorry, can we...?

There's no boys in there if that's what you're thinking.

I am serious, none.

You'll be in there going, "Oh, over here, over here.

"To me, to me," for hours for nothing.

I was in there earlier and that's all they were doing.

I saw it with my own eyes, girls.

A-ha! So there are teams already in there!

Yeah, but they'll have already started by now.

Right. Come on, girls, quickly.

No, run for the hills, there's still time.

You should be hanging out around the bus shelter!

Oh, honestly, there's no helping some people sometimes.

Apparently, someone's hidden all the netballs.

Hidden all the netballs?!

Have you tried, erm, under the... There's a shelf thing round there.

What did the netball look like again?

I could never quite remember.

Wannabe Mark is back.

I am Mark and I wannabe part of the crew.

But he can't, because he has disgraced himself again.

-What? I'm wearing the boxes.

-Yeah, but they're getting all dirty.

Get yourself some shoe box protection, bro.

Then you can hang with the crew.

If you can keep up, bruv.

Why don't we bag out, man?

Lates, yeah?

Yeah, I'm pretty healthy. I eat a lot of salad.

Erm, bacon salad, hamburger salad, pizza salad,

and then round it off with a chocolate salad for dessert.

I'm a very light eater.

As soon as it gets light, I start eating.

I do eat a lot of junk food but I work it off playing tennis,

football and loads of other computer games.

No, no, no, no! I don't believe you, ref.

How did you miss that?

You going to get a single decision right today?

# You're rubbish and you know you are

# You're rubbish and you know you are... #

Oi, ref! There's an optician's in the High Street,

do you want me to give you a lift?

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-Penalty!

A penalty? That was never a penalty in a million years.

What are you thinking, ref?

Are you always this stupid or is it just today or something?

Right. That's quite enough. You do this every week.

None of the other parents hurl insults,

so I'm asking you nicely for the last time, Dad, please stop it.

Sorry, son. I get a bit over-excited when I come and watch you.

Just rein it in a bit, yeah? And stop embarrassing me, OK?

I can't help it.

I get so excited when I see my son, my son in a referee kit.

-Oh, give us a hug.

-Stop it, Dad.

Sorry.

Good luck.

-WHISTLE BLOWS

-Penalty!

A penalty! That was never a penalty, get some specs, ref!

That's my boy.

You've got to be kidding me, ref.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd